Subj: Birthday Jokes (Gz-m4)
(Includes 21 jokes and articles)
Birthday Boy from
Accent on Animation
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Subj: Birthday Jokes (Gz-m4) (Includes 21 jokes and articles) |
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Birthday Boy from Accent on Animation |
Also see BYCYCLE file - 'Little
Patrick Asks For A Bike'
CATS2 file - 'Mouse Cake'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Ellie
Wants SUPERSEX'
FACTS2 file - 'Answering
The Phone Nude'
GENIE file - 'Old
Couple Get Wishes f/Fairy'
MATH4B file - 'Birthday
Paradox'
REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Birthday
Cake'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Bubba's
21st Birthday'
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| Subj:
News For The Year You Were Born (S573c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/7/2008 Drawing
from www.artzooks.com...
|
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Click 'HERE' to read the news for the year you were born.
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Subj: Guessing
An Old Man's Age II (S563b)
From: SCOTCOB on 11/3/2007
(Also see 'Guessing
An Old Man's Age' in ELDERLY2-SUPP)
Three old mischievous Grandmas
were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked
by, and one of the old Grandma's
yelled out saying, 'We
bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't
no way you can guess it,
you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop
your pants and under shorts
and we can tell your exact
age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but
anxious to prove they could
not do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him
to first turn around a couple
of times and to jump up and
down several times.
They all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down
around his ankles, the old
gent asked, 'How in the
world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning
from ear to ear, all
three old ladies happily yelled
in unison-- 'We were at
your birthday party yesterday!'
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Subj: The
100th Birthday Party (S561)
From: ginafm on 10/21/2007
(Also see 'Wife
Puts Husband In Rest Home' in Elderly1)
The family wheeled Grandma out
on the lawn, in her wheel-
chair, where the activities
for her 100th birthday were
taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she
could write notes when she needed
to communicate.
After a short time out on the
lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family
members grabbed her,
straightened her up and stuffed
pillows on her right. A
short time later she started
leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her
and stuffed pillows on her
left. Soon she started
leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then
tied a pillowcase around
her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came
up to Grandma and said,
"Hi, Grandma, you're looking
good! How are they treating
you?"
Grandma took out her little
notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the nephew... "*They
won't let me fart."*
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Subj: From
What Tree Did You Fall? (S465b)
From: auntiegah 12/17/2005
Find your birthday and then find
your tree. This is really
cool and seems somewhat accurate...but
you decide.
Dec 23 to Jan 01
Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11
Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24
Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03
Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08
Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18
Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28
Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10
Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20
Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only)
Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31
Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10
Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20
Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30
Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14
Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24
Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03
Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13
Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23
Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only)
Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04
Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14
Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25
Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04
Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13
Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23
Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02
Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12
Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22
Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only)
Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03
Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13
Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23
Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11
Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21
Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01
Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11
Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21
Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only)
Beech Tree
YOUR TREE
(in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree (the Love) -- quiet and
shy at times, lots of charm,
appeal, and attraction, pleasant
attitude, flirtatious smile,
adventurous, sensitive, loyal
in love, wants to love and be
loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, many
talents, loves children, needs
affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (the Ambition) -- extremely
attractive, vivacious,
impulsive, demanding, does
not care for criticism, ambitious,
intelligent, talented, likes
to play with fate, can be very
egotistic, reliable, restless
lover, sometimes money rules
over the heart, demands attention,
needs love and much
emotional support.
Beech Tree (the Creative) -- has good
taste, concerned about
its looks, materialistic, good
organization of life and
career, economical, good leader,
takes no unnecessary risks,
reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit
diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (the inspiration) -- vivacious,
attractive, elegant,
friendly, unpretentious, modest,
does not like anything in
excess, abhors the vulgar,
loves life in nature and in calm,
not very passionate, full of
imagination, little ambition,
creates a calm and content
atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (the Confidence) -- of rare
strength, knows how to
adapt, likes unexpected presents,
of good health, not in the
least shy, tends to look down
on others, self-confident, a
great speaker, determined,
often impatient, likes to impress
others, has many talents, industrious,
healthy optimism,
waits for the one true love,
able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (the Honesty) -- of unusual
stature, impressive,
well-developed sense of justice,
fun to be around, a planner,
born diplomat, can be irritated
easily, sensitive of others
feelings, hard worker, sometimes
acts superior, feels not
understood at times, fiercely
family oriented, very loyal in
love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness) --
strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes what life has to give
but doesn't necessarily like it,
strives to be content, optimistic,
wants to be financially
independent, wants love and
affection, hates loneliness,
passionate lover which cannot
be satisfied, faithful, quick-
tempered at times, can be unruly
and careless, loves to
gain knowledge, needs to be
needed.
Elm Tree (the Noble-mindedness) --
pleasant shape, tasteful
clothes, modest demands, tends
not to forgive mistakes,
cheerful, likes to lead but
not to obey, honest and faithful
partner, likes making decisions
for others, noble-minded,
generous, good sense of humor,
practical.
Fig Tree (the Sensibility) -- very
strong minded, a bit self-
willed, honest, loyal, independent,
hates contradiction or
arguments, hard worker when
wants to be, loves life and
friends, enjoys children and
animals, few sexual relation-
ships, great sense of humor,
has artistic talent and great
intelligence.
Fir tree (the Mysterious) -- extraordinary
taste, handles
stress well, loves anything
beautiful, stubborn, tends to
care for those close to them,
hard to trust others, yet a
social butterfly, likes idleness
and laziness after long
demanding hours at work, rather
modest, talented, unselfish,
many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) --
charming, sense of humor,
very demanding but can also
be very understanding, knows
how to make a lasting impression,
active fighter for social
causes and politics, popular,
quite moody, sexually
oriented, honest, a perfectionist,
has a precise sense of
judgment and expects complete
fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste) -- of
cool beauty, cares for
its looks and condition, good
taste, is not egoistic, makes
life as comfortable as possible,
leads a reasonable and
disciplined life, looks for
kindness and acknowledgment in
an emotional partner, dreams
of unusual lovers, is seldom
happy with its feelings, mistrusts
most people, is never
sure of its decisions, very
conscientious.
Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent,
hard working, accepts
what life dishes out, but not
before trying to change bad
circumstances into good ones,
hates fighting and stress,
enjoys getaway vacations, may
appear tough, but is actually
soft and relenting, always
willing to make sacrifices for
family and friends, has many
talents but not always enough
time to use them, can become
a complainer, great leadership
qualities, is jealous at times
but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) --
no ordinary person, full
of imagination and originality,
shy and reserved, ambitious,
proud, self-confident, hungers
for new experiences, some-
times nervous, has many complexities,
good memory, learns
easily, complicated love life,
wants to impress.
Oak Tree (the Brave) -- robust nature,
courageous, strong,
unrelenting, independent, sensible,
does not like change,
keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.
Olive Tree (the Wisdom) -- loves sun,
warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids
aggression and violence,
tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed
sense of justice,
sensitive, empathetic, free
of jealousy, loves to read and
the company of sophisticated
people.
Pine Tree (the Peacemaker) -- loves
agreeable company, craves
peace and harmony, loves to
help others, active imagination,
likes to write poetry, not
fashion conscious, great
compassion, friendly to all,
falls strongly in love but
will leave if betrayed or lied
to, emotionally soft, low
self esteem, needs affection
and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -- looks
very decorative,
talented, not very self-confident,
extremely courageous if
necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very
choosy, often lonely, great
animosity, great artistic nature,
good organizer, tends to lean
toward philosophy, reliable in
any situation, takes partnership
Seriously.
Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity) -- full
of charm, cheerful,
gifted without egoism, likes
to draw attention, loves
life, motion, unrest, and even
complications, is both
dependent and independent,
good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good
company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (the Passion) -- unrelenting,
strange and full of
contrasts, often egotistic,
aggressive, noble, broad horizon,
unexpected reactions, spontaneous,
unlimited ambition, no
flexibility, difficult and
uncommon partner, not always liked
but often admired, ingenious
strategist, very jealous and
passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (the Melancholy) - likes
to be stress free,
loves family life, full of
hopes and dreams, attractive,
very empathetic, loves anything
beautiful, musically
inclined, loves to travel to
exotic places, restless,
capricious, honest, can be
influenced but is not easy
to live with when pressured,
sometimes demanding, good
intuition, suffers in love
until they find that one loyal,
steadfast partner; loves to
make others Laugh.
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Subj: You
Always Have A Birthday (S392b)
From: DafterLafter on 7/29/2004
Because of a minor infraction,
a shipmate of mine aboard
the USS Reeves, bound for Japan,
was busted one rank,
fined and given extra duty for
three weeks. Looking
forward to celebrating his 21st
birthday on July 22, he
consoled himself every night
during his extra duty by
reciting, "They can bust me,
they can fine me -- but
they can't take away my birthday."
As July 22 approached,
his excitement increased.
When he went to bed on July 21,
he happily repeated,
"They can bust me, they can fine
me -- but they can't take
away my birthday."
The next morning, he found out
that the ship had crossed
the international date line
-- and it was July 23.
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Subj: Birthday
Riddle (S288b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/1/2002
Clara Clatter was born on December
27th, yet her birthday
is always in the summer. How
is this possible?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
She lived in the southern hemisphere.
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Subj: Banning
Birthday Presents (S246, DU)
From: jerry on 10/16/2001
Bonehead award four, a ''political
correctness gone mad
bonehead award,'' goes to Denmark's
Ikea Corporation for
banning birthday presents because
Jehovah's Witnesses might
be offended, banning wedding
presents so as not to offend
single workers and for banning
its traditional Danish
Christmas lunch so they could
replace it with a more
politically correct ''international
cultural day.''
Chicago Sun-Times 3-Oct-01
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Subj: Wife
Takes Husband To Strip Club (S245b, S461)
From: dogbyte on 10/12/2001
Dave works hard at the plant
and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the
gym. His wife thinks he is
pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday she takes him
to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets
them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress
asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. His wife
is becoming uncomfortable and
says, "You must come here a
lot for that woman to know that
you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies
Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their
table and throws her arms
around Dave. "Hi Davey,"
she says, "Want your usual
table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs
her purse and storms out
of the club. Dave follows
and spots her getting into a
cab. Before she can slam
the door, he jumps in beside
her and she starts screaming
at him.
The cabby turns his head and
says,
"Looks like you picked up a
real bitch tonight, Dave!"
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Subj: Birthday
Girl (S402)
From: JokesUncut
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/happybirthday.htm
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Subj: What
Do You Want For Your Birthday? (S215, S515)
From: thebartend on 3/12/2001
A man asked his wife, "What would
you most like for your
birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday,
he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a theme
park. He put her on every ride in
the park --the Death Slide,
The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
Everything there was, she had
a go.
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head
reeling and her stomach upside
down. Into McDonalds they went,
where she was given a Double
Big Mac with extra fries and a
strawberry shake.
Then off to a theater to see
Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn,
cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with
her husband and collapsed into
bed. Her husband leaned
over and asked, "Well, dear, what was
it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
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Subj: Celebrating
Different Birthdays (S471b)
From: Anaise on 98-04-02
and
From: thebartend on 1/23/2006
This is for all of you who are
about to or have recently
celebrated a birthday.
Do you realize that the only
time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're
kids?
If you're less than 10 years
old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?....
"I'm four and a half"....You're
never 36 and a half....
you're four and a half going
on five!
That's the key. You get
into your teens, now they can't
hold you back. You jump
to the next number. How old are
you? "I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of
your life happens....you
become 21. Even the words
sound like a ceremony....
you BECOME 21...YES!!!
But then you turn 30....ooohhh
what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk....He
TURNED, we had to
throw him out. There's
no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed??
You BECOME 21, you TURN
30, then you're PUSHING 40.....stay
over there, it's all
slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're
PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and
your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30,
you're PUSHING 40, you
REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......then
you build up so
much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day
thing. After that, you
HIT Wednesday....
You get into your 80's, you HIT
lunch. You TURN 4:30,
my grandmother won't even buy
green bananas....it's an
investment you know, and maybe
a bad one. And it doesn't
end there....into the 90's you
start going backwards....
I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again....
"I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
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Subj: My 45
Birthday (S09, S348)
From: rwtmpkns on 9/16/2003
I fired my secretary two weeks
ago on my 45th birthday. I
was not feeling to good that
morning anyway. I went into
breakfast, knowing my wife would
be pleasant and wish me a
Happy Birthday and probably
would have a present. To my
surprise, she didn't even say
good morning, let alone happy
birthday!
I said, well, that's wives for
you, hopefully the children
will remember. The children
all came in for breakfast and
didn't say a word either, so
when I started to the office
I was feeling pretty low and
despondant.
As I walked into my office, my
secretary, Janet said, "Good
morning boss, happy birthday,"
and I felt a little better.
At least someone had remembered
my birthday. I worked until
about noon when Janet knocked
on my door saying, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside
and it's your birthday.
Why don't we go to lunch, just
you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the
best thing I've heard all day,
let's go!" So we went
to lunch, but we didn't go where we
normally go. Instead,
we went to this little private place
out in the country. We
had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way
back to the office she said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't really need to go
back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not," and
she suggested that we go back
to her apartment.
After arriving at her apartment,
we had another martini,
smoked a cigarette and then
she said, "Boss, if you don't
mind, I think I'll go to the
bedroom and slip into something
more comfortable." "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom and a few minutes
later she came out...
carrying a big birthday cake
followed by my wife and children.
They were all singing Happy
Birthday and there I sat...
with nothing but my birthday
suit on!
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Subj: Birthday
Present For The Wife Who Has Everything (S220b)
From: thebartend on 98-03-30
A fellow was talking to his buddy,
and he said, "I don't
know what to get my wife for
her birthday. She has every-
thing, and besides, she can
afford to buy anything she
wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea.
Why don't you make up a
certificate saying she can have
60 minutes of great sex,
any way that she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked,
"Well? Did you take my
suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up,
thanked me, kissed me on the
forehead and ran out the door
yelling, "I'll be back in
an hour!!!"
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Subj: Short
Birthday Jokes
 |
Subj:
Birthday Cake (S564c)
From: darrellvip on 11/8/2007 |
Top
Subj: Age
Gauge (S315)
From: auntiegah on 2/8/2003
This is neat! Click on
this link, put your birth date in
the window and see what happens....
http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html
Top
Subj: Slicing
A Birthday Cake (S450b)
From: William Wu of U. C. Berkeley on 8/24/2005
Source: http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~wwu/riddles/easy.shtml#8wayCakeSlice
You have a round birthday cake.
With three straight slices
of a knife, divide the cake
into 8 equal pieces. The author
knows of two different solutions.
You can view Jack's two solutions
by clicking below.
 |
Top
Subj: Grandma
Buys A Birthday Present (S423b)
From: janeenmarie on 3/8/2005
When my three-yeat-old opened
the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a
water pistol. He squealed
with delight and headed for
the nearest sink.
I was mot so pleased. I
turned to mom and said "I'm
surprised at you. Don't
you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....
"Yes, I remember."
| Subj:
Birthday Calculator (S438b)
From: darrell94590 On 6/20/2005 Source:
|
 |
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/26/2002 (S264)
"No gift is too small to give,
nor too simple to receive,
if it's chosen with thoughtfulness
and given with love."
From: igiggle on 9/28/2003 (S349b)
For weeks I've been telling
him not to buy anything for my birthday,
and he still forgot to bring
me something. -- Tanya Noe
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/14/2001
(S274b - quotes-comed)
"Last year my birthday cake
looked like a prairie fire."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
From: Anon Jr. on 6/1/2004 (S383)
Q: What kind of parties do you
have in the basement?
A: Cellarbrations.
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Smiley eats his cake from
Smiley_Central |