Bumper Stickers

>>>
Subj: Bumper Sticker Jokes
(Includes 426 jokes and articles, 21849n,4,cf,md?,3)
.

Message-Think ? Do from
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery

Also see BUSH-SUPP    - 'New Bush Bumper Stickers'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Chemistry Bumper Stickers'
         DRINKING-SUPP- 'I'm A Drunk - Bumper Sticker'
         FAT file     - 'Dr. Phil Poster'
         ONELINERS    - (See whole file)
         HEADLINRS/ADS- (See whole file from NonJokes)
         JESUS file   - 'Jesus - Bumper Sticker'
         JOB_STUFF-SUP- 'Work Harder Bumper Sticker'
         MATH5 file   - 'Einstein Bumper Sticker'
         MATH6 file   - 'Fractions Bumper Sticker'
         NATIONAL file- 'I Love My Country'
         NATIONAL_STTS- 'Rejected State Mottos:'
         PHYSICS3 file- 'Physics Bumper Stickers'
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'TSA Bumper Stickers And Slogans
         POLITICAL1   - 'Sign From Stalin Quote'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'USMC Bumper Sticker'
         SOLDIER-SUPP - '22 WWII Posters'
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Subj: Senior Bumper Stickers!
      From: tom
      on 8/1/2010 (S708b)

These twenty-four bumper stickers are very funny.
Click 'HERE' to view them.

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Subj: Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See (S307)
From: pns on 11/10/2002

17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks
     you are an asshole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...
     some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one,
     doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...
     I call these people "Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge
     for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because
     it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and
     fragile to be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!
1. Welcome to America...now speak English

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Subj: Christian Bumper Stickers (S230)
From: flovilla on 6/23/2001

* Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

* Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

* Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

* Forbidden fruits create many jams.

* God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called

* God grades on the cross, not the curve.

* God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the
spirit" over "religious nuts!"

* God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

* He who angers you, controls you!

* Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

* The task ahead of us is never as great as
the Power behind us.

* The Will of God will never take you to where
the Grace of God will not protect you.

* We don't change the message, the message changes us.

* You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.

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Subj: AARP Bumper Stickers (S627b)
From: tom on 1/17/2009

These nineteen bumper stickers are very funny.
Click 'HERE' to view it.

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Subj: Election Bumper Stickers (S204)
From: KMACINTY on 12/27/2000

"Those who cast the votes decide nothing.
Those who count the votes decide everything."
-Joseph Stalin

Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think

UNPRESIDENTED!

If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates

Jews for Buchanan

What popular vote?
I voted - Didn't matter

My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this
lousy President

Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo

DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........
LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU

Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.

Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.

Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?

To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm
presidential material!

One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)

I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER

IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES

The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.

The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke)

Banana Republicans

George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had

The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks
wandered in the desert for 40 years

Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.

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Subj: Woman's Bumper Stickers (S177)
From: collins2 on 6/19/00

1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

2. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.

3. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,
Seeks Frog

6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

7. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.

8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

10. I'm Out Of Estrogen And I Have A Gun.

11. Guys Have Fellings Too. But Like...Who Cares?

12. Next Mood Swing: 6 minutes.

13. And Your Point is...?

14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I know How To Use It.

15. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.

16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.

18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.

19. I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.

20. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

21. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.

22. If We Are What We Eat, I'm Fast, Cheap, And Easy.

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Subj:    Hillary For President Bumper Sticker
         From: aldavito (S575)
         on 1/19/2008 (in ClintonScdl2)

This politically incorrect bumper sticker is very funny.
Click 'HERE' to view it.

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Subj: Best T-Shirts (S138)
From: grs on 09/16/1999

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the
Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the
"Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions)
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All ...
I Just Can't Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,
Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can
Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to
Be a Vegetarian

20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity..It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro ... Often Wrong ... Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

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Subj: New York City Bumper Stickers (S136)
From: collins2 on 9/4/99

The best of the bumper stickers seen in New York City!

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone
up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
and not you.
Don't pissme off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Hang up and drive.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
We are born naked, wet and hungry....Then things get worse!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
.. AND, the #1 bumper sticker of the week -->
"Honk If You Want To See My Finger"

Subj: Lethal Bumper Stickers
From: JBCARY1 on 8/20/2001

1. Cats: The other white meat
2. Dain bramaged
3. Don't be sexist - broads hate that
4. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
5. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
6. Boldly going nowhere
7. CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
8. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
9. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
10. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits
        he is lost?
11. I'm an imbecile and I vote!
12. Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
13. If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
14. Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
15. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone
        up your ASS?
16. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
17. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
18. We are born naked, wet, and hungry.... Then things get worse.
19. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
20. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me
21. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
22. JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...
        He Scores!
23. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
24. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
25. Save Your Breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!
26. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
27. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
28. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
29. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
30. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
31. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
32. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
33. All men are idiots...I married their king.
34. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
35. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
36. Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
37. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it

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Subj:     Graveyard Bumper Sticker (S515b)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 11/27/2006 (in Graveyard)

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19931227

You can view this cute, sick, but true bumper sticker at the
source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: Clinton Bumper Stickers (S102)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #7 on 99-01-09

One More Whore And We Get Gore
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Kennedy = Camelot Clinton = Lie-a-lot
Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery is NOT a family value
Does character matter YET?
America needs a President Not a Predator
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Slept with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter

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Subj: First Batch Of Bumper Stickers

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST] We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Assassins do it from behind.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,
somewhere may be happy.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

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Subj: Bumper Stickers In CAPITAL Letters

TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE

I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN.

WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION.

ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.

SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.

PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.

WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.

3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T.

WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?

EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?

DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...
TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK.

I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU
WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.

"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY

LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.

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Subj: Other Bumper Stickers

JUST DO IT
BUTCHERS have better meat
CALIFORNIANS do it laid back
CAR CUSTOMISERS do it with a hot rod
CAR MECHANICS jack it
CARPENTERS do it tongue-in-groove
CARPENTERS hammer it harder
CARPET FITTERS do it on their knees
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor
CARTOONISTS do it with just a few good strokes
CATHOLICS do it a lot
CATHOLICS talk about it afterwards
CELLISTS give better hand jobs
CHEERLEADERS do it enthusiastically
CHEFS do it in the kitchen
CHEMICAL ENGINEERS do it in packed beds
CHEMISTS do it in an excited state
CHESS PLAYERS do it with knights/kings/queens/bishops/mates
CHESS PLAYERS mate better
CHIMNEY SWEEPS do it up the ash hole

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Subj: Actual Bumper Stickers:
From: DrSwitzer

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
     Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Tow-ers will be violated"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain
     to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all
     its students!"
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere
     may be happy."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count ? those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...
     till you can find a rock."
"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see
     you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

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Subj: Misc. Stickers

Bumper sticker I saw on a Winnabego - Tailgate me...and I'll
flush! He's dead, Jim. You get his tricorder...I'll get his
wallet. Cover me! I'm chaging lanes.

"Granny" sent along these Bumperstickers:

Women Who Seek To Be Equal With Men Lack Ambition.
Your Kid May Be An Honor Student But You're Still An Idiot
Love: Two Vowels, Two Consonants, Two Fools.

Hale-Bopp-inspired Bumper Sticker:
so Many Stupid People; So Few Comets

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
Favorite bumper sticker in Tallahassee, Fla. [FSU] :
   "Where is Gainesville, Fla?
    Go East until you smell it,
    then go South until you step in it."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #303 on 98-12-31 (S100)
BUMPER STICKER
My kid had sex with your honor student.

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Subj: New Bumper Stickers
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #167

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* i souport publik edekashun.

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Subj: Here Are A Few Bumper Stickers. (S47)
From: ipkis on 97-12-19

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco

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Subj: Bumper Stickers Throughout the World (S37)
..........From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
     Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer
     in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain
     to be a vegetarian."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
     is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills
     all it's students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,
     somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying
     'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working
     with sub-atomic particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

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Subj: Some New Bumper Stickers (S195)
From: KMACINTY on 10/26/2000

God loves you, but I'm his favorite.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Hurry-your first impression is almost up.
My inner child is a juvenile delinquent.

From: CHRISDADDYG on 5/23/2001 (S225)
Saw a funny bumper sticker today. I laughed out loud at
a crowded intersection. It's just plain funny, so here
it goes....

Jesus is Coming
Look Busy

From: jerry on 8/28/2002 (S291b)
PALESTINIAN BUMPER STICKER PROCLAIMS:
"MY SON BLEW UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT"

From: RFSlick on 12/7/2003 (S358b)
"If you can read this - THANK A TEACHER,
If you're reading it in English - THANK A VETERAN!"

Subj: The Greatest Bumper Sticker Ever (S371, S623)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/4/2004

POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED,
FOR THE SAME REASON!

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............................Smiley has a cause from Millan Net Gif Animations
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