>>> Subj:     One-Liners Type Jokes                  (Includes 256 jokes and articles, 27723n,0,cf)

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Subj:     One-Liners

 Condense soup, not books!

 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

 "Very Funny Scottie - Now Beam Up My Clothes"

 Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

 Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect
    to be paid back.

 I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was
    never developed...

 Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light!
    --  Second City Players

 Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners:  Just say "No, thank you."

 If you can keep your head while those about you are losing
    theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

 Women libbers are ok.  I just wouldn't want my sister
    to marry one.

 Draft beer, not people.

 When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared
    for the occasional division by zero.

 Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.

 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who
    stays up all  night wondering if there really is a Dog?

 There are two major products to come out of Berekley:
    LSD and UNIX.  We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

 He looked at me as though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

 Character density:  The number of very weird people
    in the office.

 Half moon tonight.  At least it's better than no moon at all.

 Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

 The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

 ..an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
    -- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide
   to Common Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"

 Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!  He shoots.
    HE SCOOORES!

 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

 Everybody should believe in something - I believe
    I'll have another drink.

 If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

 Detroit:  Where the weak are killed and eaten.

 To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

 Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to
    hear them.  Sometimes they just happen to be on the
    ground when you see them again.

 Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

 Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says
      to the other, "You're fine.  How am I?"

 To err is human, to moo bovine.

 God is real, unless declared as an integer.

 Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

 Camouflage condoms:  So they won't see you coming.

 The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

 What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

 Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations
    yield negative results.  Positive expectations yield
    negative results.

 Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3, not even for very large
    values of 2.

 The crimes we are about to depict have been specially
    committed for this program.

 The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to
    live elsewhere.

 Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.

 Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to
    make it rain doesn't work.

 No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

 Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened
    to everyone you know, only more so.

 Happiness:  The agreeable sensation of contemplating
    the misery of others.

 The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those
    library books!

 Hindsight is an exact science.

 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
    sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

 That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.

 One planet is all you get.

 Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get
    any better so you better get used to it.

 Be different:  Conform.

 A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views
    after we have enlightened him with ours.

 If the odds are a million to one against something
    occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

 Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

 Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you
    can find a rock.

 Acid:  Better living through chemistry.

 There's no future in time travel.

 Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!

 There has been an alarming increase in the number of things
    you know nothing about.

 Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

 Don't feed the bats tonight.

 Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
    despite every effort to teach them good manners.

 Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but
    it's better than no government at all.

 Paul's law:  You can't fall off the floor.

 Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
    doesn't mean he knows what it is.

 Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they
    AREN'T after you.

 Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

 Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.
    "Yes" is the answer.

 It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to
    serve as a warning to others.

 New York...when civilization falls apart, remember,
    we were way ahead of you. -- David Letterman

 In the end, everybody must understand for themselves.
    -- Martin-Lof

 Listen to your surroundings and yourself,
    instead of Jimmy Swaggert.

 Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.

 Omit needless words.  -- Strunk and White

 This message has been brought to you by the
    number 5 and the letter F.

 This sentence is false with probability 0.5.

 It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.

 An armed society is a polite society.

 Computer:  "How do you feel?"
 Spock:  "I don't understand the question."

 The nice thing about standards is, there are
    so many to choose from.

 While the builders of the cages sleep with bullets, bars
    and stones, they do not see your road to freedom that
    you build with flesh and bone.

 The race is not always to the swift, but
    it's a pretty safe bet.

 Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation
    was cheaper?

 If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.

 Sin harder!  Ragnarok is coming!

 Ask a fish head anything you want to.  It won't answer you;
    they can't talk.

 Misfortune, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses.

 Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

 The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having
    a really good time.

 There is no limit to the amount of good that people can
    accomplish, if  they don't care who gets the credit.

 When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the
    universe.  Now that isn't enough.  -- Alex P. Keaton

 Fools!  Idiots!  Don't they realize that they are dealing
    with forces beyond comprehension!  -- Doctor Science

 If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!

 You may ask yourself, how did I get here?  This is not my
     beautiful house!  This is not my beautiful wife!
     -- Talking Heads

 Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while
    everyone else in the world was a wordprocessor?

 Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

 When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know
    you meant sloth.

 Apathetic Surf Club:  We don't surf, and we don't care.

 Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?  -- Arthur

 It's not a matter of life or death, but what is?  What is?

 We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!

 This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!

 Entropy isn't what it used to be.

 If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have
    given them wings.

 If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind.
    -- J-L Gassee

 Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.

 "Where are we going?"  "Nowhere."  "So what's the rush?"
     -- The Lost Boys

 I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation, because a mime
    is a terrible thing to waste.

 If you're not part of the solution, then
    you're part of the precipitate.

 Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be
    explained by stupidity.

 What did the Caspian sea?  -- Saki

 I don't work for no 'Toon!

 We've got the best government money can buy.

 Bove's Theorem:  The remaining work to finish in order to
    reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

 Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand
    the situation.

 There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy
    in the streets?  -- Dick Cavett, mocking TV-violence debate

 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

 Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

 Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding
    ring, and suffering.

 Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

 Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
    Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble
   starts when they try to decide which one.

 Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
    After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

 A bird in the hand is better than one overhead.

 4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.

 He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

 When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.

 Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.

 What is a vegetarian with diarrhea?
   A SALAD SHOOTER!

 I'm not as think as you confused I am.

 AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse

 Where ever you go, there you are.

 What is mind?  No matter.
   What is matter?  Never mind.

 Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?

 Nothing is more difficult for a woman than to decide
    when to begin her 30th year.

 'Smoke me a kipper, Skipper. I'll be back for breakfast.'

 Lesbians eating tuna fish sandwiches.

 The beatings will continue until morale improves.

 I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

 Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

 Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

 If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to
    stop helping me.

 Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

 Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.

 Dain bramaged.

 C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN

 The name is Baud......, James Baud.

 BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

 Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

 Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

 ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

 "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

 You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

 A fart is just a turd with the shit scraped off

 Intercourse is masterbation under ideal circumstances.

 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 3 kinds of people: those who can count ? those who can't.

 Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.

 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

 If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

 Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

 Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

 It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

 Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2.

 Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

 What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.

 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

 My software never has bugs.  It just develops
    random features.

 All computers wait at the same speed.

 26% of Americans can't read.  The other 92% can't do Math.

 "Nuke a gay whale for Christ!"

 If at first you dont succeed, hide all evidence
    that you tried!

 Don't end up as Road Kill along the Information Super Highway

 Limit congress to two terms. One in office, and one in prison!

 Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

 ... Not tonight, dear.  I have a modem.

 A man's idea of housework is lifting his feet
    while the woman is vacuuming.

 She's got more Chins than a Chinese telephone book.

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Subj:     One-Liners In Capital Letters

 TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE

 I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN
    TO BE A VEGETARIAN.

 WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION.

 YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT

 IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY
    MADE WITH MEAT?

 IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.

 LOVE:  TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.

 ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.

 SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.

 PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE.  VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.

 FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.

 WARNING:  DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

 GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.

 MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.

 ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

 WE ARE MICROSOFT.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
    YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

 Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

 EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?

 DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...
    TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK.

 I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU
    WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.

 "AUNTIE EM:  HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG."  -DOROTHY

 LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.

 ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.

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Subj:     Other One Liners

 There is only one way to get rid of nuclear weapons
    -- use them

 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

 I used to be a necrophilliac, but the rotten bitch
    split on me.

 Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry.

 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have
    to paint it.

 ... Not tonight, dear.  I have a modem.

 Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

 ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

 A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

 Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

 There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

 A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired
    of thinking.

 If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out
    the necessary forms.

 It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

 Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

 Do witches run spell checkers?

 Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

 ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

 "There is no hard evidence to support the notion that
    life is meant to be taken seriously."

 Reality is an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency (Unknown)

 Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines!

 If God were a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.

 A new Korean cook book out, "100 Ways to Wok Your Dog".

 If a sheep is a ram and a mule is an ass,
    how come a ram in the ass is a goose?

 The man who rows the boat seldom has the time to rock it.

 For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

 Skydivers never do it without a chute.

 It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

 "Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat,
    sooner or later you get pissed off."

 A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #201 on 97-09-19
 It's hard to be a leader these days -- you don't know
    if people are following you or chasing you.

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  Subj:     A Variety of Wisdoms (S35)
            From: humorlist-digest V1 #212 on 97-10-01

  *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
     that you tried.

  *  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  *  Experience is something you don't get until just after
     you need it.

  *  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  *  He who hesitates is probably right.

  *  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

  *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
     required on it.

  *  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
     of the bread.

  *  The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

  *  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
     from many is research.

  *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise
     above your principles.

  *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.

  *  Work is accomplished by those employees who have not
     reached their level of incompetence.

  *  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  *  Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  *  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have
     to catch up.

  *  The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of
     an approaching train.

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