(Includes 116 jokes and articles, 08852,15,cf,md4,7)
Ford Pickup from
Thru Traffic (S507c,d)
This is a traffic cam at a busy
corner during a red light.
This 10 second video is amazing. I doubt you can watch
it just once. The version on my web site is 20 seconds and
runs the movie twice. Either watch the video at the source
above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Those Crazy Women Drivers (S247, S520)
From: dogbyte on 10/25/2001
and From: jbcary1 on 1/7/2007
(See 'Crazy Female Drivers'above)
I tell you, women drivers are
a hazard to traffic. Driving
to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per
hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting
on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds
and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane.
As a man, I don't scare easily,
but she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of
my other hand. And in all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Car Protection System (S471c,d)
From: darrell94590 on 2/1/2006
This cute, short, WMV video show
you a very unique protection
technique. You can be see the protection on my web site by
Subj: Auto Acronyms (S376b)
From: Dogstar's Doghouse Issue #7
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic
BMW Big Money Works
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD Flip over read directions
FORD (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GM General Maintenance
GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of
Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Gas Prices (S447b,d in Movies)
..........From: darrell94590 on 8/22/2005
This video clip from Jay Leno's
Tonight Show is very funny.
Jay and his buddy in his trunk, know how to deal with high
gas prices. You can view on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: How To Beat A Speeding Ticket (S225, DU)
From: KMACINTY on 5/23/2001
A police officer pulls a guy
over for speeding and has the
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had
it suspended when I got my
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen??
Driver: That's right. But come
to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was
........putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where
I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open
your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's
no gun in it. (Sure enough,
there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening
your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in trunk..
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)
Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the
lying son of a bitch told
you I was speeding, too.
Rube Goldberg Honda Ad (S447d)
on 8/10/2005 (in Movies)
This amazing commercial cost
6 million dollars and it
took 3 months to film. There are no computer graphics
or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you
see happened in real time exactly as you see it. The
recording required 606 takes and in the first 605 takes
there always was something, usually of minor importance,
that didn't work. Click on the above source, or 'HERE',
for my copy, to see this wonderful ad for the Honda Accord.
Subj: Driver Identification By State (S199, S204)
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2000
1. One hand on wheel, one hand
on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across
all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator,
gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel,
cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game,
banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet
on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane
with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for
visible emissions from their own or another's car: COLORADO
13. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
antenna: WEST VIRGINIA.
14. Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car
and who is now wearing a barrel: LAS VEGAS
15. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left
lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen"
driver, also known as "no-see-um"
Vehicle Barrier (S442b,d)
From: chicababe1978 on 7/10/2005
From time to time someone asks
me what the concrete
barriers are in front of controlled and secure buildings.
When I tell them that the barriers will stop traffic,
even trucks, from approaching the secure building I
usually get a look of disbelief.
I've been looking for some footage
like this to prove
my point. In this test, the following parameters were
used. Read them and then watch the film.
Truck = 65,000 lbs.
Speed = 50 mph
Kinetic Energy = 5.5 MILLION ft. lbs
Stopped in 24 INCHES !!!
Click 'HERE' to view this revealing video.
Subj: Final Words Before Crashes (S195)
From: thebartend on 10/24/2000
The National Transportation Safety
Board recently divulged
they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for
the past fivey ears, whereby the auto makers were installing
black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort
to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the
last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in
45 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
Only the states of North Carolina,
South Carolina, Missouri,
Georgia and Alabama were different, where over 89.3 percent
of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
Subj: Repairing Your Car At K-Mart (S190, S403)
From: RFSlick on 9/22/00
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/4/2004
From the Sydney Morning Herald
Australia comes this story of
a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told
his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see
a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment
she dutifully stepped forward
and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet
she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had
to have three stitches in his head.
Subj: Crazy Female Drivers (S189, S535c)
From: DoctorDebt on 6/5/2003
and From: AFine963 on 4/17/2007
(See 'Those Crazy Women Drivers' below)
I was riding to work yesterday
when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him
to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently
pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out
his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought
to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way every
day to work, that's 76
miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so
if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means
I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works
out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 34
miles is not bumper to
bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I
pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven
by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females
one in twenty-eight are
having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According
to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's
98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem,
According to the National Rifle
Association 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least
one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are
her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide
or homicide, is having the worst day of her period,
AND is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic,
I wouldn't DREAM
of flipping her off.
Subj: On Drive, Wife Wants Divorce (S174, S487)
From: thebartend on 5/26/00
and From: darrell94590 on 5/25/2006
(See 'Husband Wants To Divorce Wife' in MARRIAGE5)
A married couple is driving down
the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want
you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet
and just speeds up as his anger
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps
driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the
checking account, and all the
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before
they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Gasoline Prices (S165, S377)
From: gheckman on 3/16/00
and From: Imogenelumen on 4/17/2004
To view this cute article and
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when
the mileage reaches 3000
since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts
and write a check for 50
dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter),
hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and
twist it off.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled
during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of
clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to
fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
Subj: You Know You Drive A Beater If: (S160)
From: mbucher on 02/12/2000
Your rear fenders have lots of
dings OUTWARD from tools and
spare parts flying around in the trunk when you corner.
You car has the "keyless entry"
feature. Both locks are
broken and unusable.
You wipe the spilled oil off
the valve cover with a rag, and
then you wipe the excess wheel bearing grease off your
hand on the fender.
You double the book value of your car when you fill the tank.
You are really pissed that you
scratched the edges of you
Coleman canoe because you didn't put a blanket on the
roof of your car when you carried it up there to the lake.
Nobody wants to steal it or even brush up against it.
It was stolen once and found two blocks way, on the same street.
Curbs are minor inconveniences
and in no way limit the paved
surfaces your car has access to.
You remove the snow from your
car with the same metal shovel
you cleared the driveway with.
10 to 15 pounds of roadsalt on
the car doesn't faze you,
in fact, you think it kinda looks cool.
You drive through an exclusive
section of town the cops
ALWAYS follow you.
After you nail a particularly
nasty pothole your first impulse
is to see if you bent a wheel, your second impulse is to
make sure no chunks of sheetmetal are missing.
The keys haven't been out of the ignition for over a year.
Your car uses more "other" fluids than gasoline.
The cost to fill the tank is more than your yearly excise tax.
At your local car club show,
you easily win the "Best Use of
Body Fillers and Assorted Adhesives" class every year.
10 seconds after shifting into
park it backfires so loudly
that everyone in a 1/2 block radius hits the deck. You
have the timing of this backfire down pat. As you walk
away, you turn and fake "shooting at your car" with a
"gun hand" just as it backfires.
You think you can get "another hundred thousand out of it easy".
You give it away when you are done with it.
You CAN'T give it away when you are done with it.
You will never be DONE with it.
You really like the tires are on the car because "they hold air".
After a minor fender bender with
lamp post some stuff that was
stuck or broken starts working again.
It was broken into but nothing was taken.
You got drunk once and "waxed
it" with a bucket of industrial
floor polish and a mop. It didn't bother you the next day,
in fact in hindsight you are kind of proud of thinking
The kids use it for a backstop when playing baseball.
You are on retainer as a consultant for 3M's duct tape division.
You use the oil from your dipstick
rag to clean bugs off your
You have a total of six lug nuts
still performing their intended
Your idea of a "theftproof" gas
cap is to snake a tie-wrap
through the rag.
A small field mouse has moved
into the hole where the trunk
lock used to be.
[AND, my all time favorite....]
Your car gets "keyed" and you
try to make a design out of the
scratch with YOUR keys.
Subj: Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car (S147, S369b)
From: RFSlick on 11/20/1999
and From: Imogenelumen on 2/10/2004
Sometimes he sends what we need, not necessarily what we expect.
A woman was at work when she
received a phone call that her
daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and
stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she
found that she had locked her keys
in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter,
she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the
baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to
The baby sitter told her that
her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the
door". The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger
that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else
who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use
this."So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes in old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty,
greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his
The woman thought, "Great God.
This is what you sent to help me????"
But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man
got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes,
my daughter is very sick......I stopped to get her some medication
and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please,
can you use this hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE". He walked
over to the car, and in less than one
minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her
tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am
not a nice man. I just got out of
prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been
out for about an hour.
The woman hugged the man again
and with sobbing tears cried out
loud..... "THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
Subj: Short Car Jokes
Murphy's Laws Applied To Cars (S412)
Subj: Car Horn Beeps (S325)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/22/03
After shopping at a busy store,
another woman and I
happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced
with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded
parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able
to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure
could use a gadget like that
to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's
Airbag For Men (S435b)
Subj: Buzzing Stoplights (S176, S847)
From: agrief on 6/15/00
and From: virv on 4/5/2013
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer
was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when
the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
Women Only Parking Lots (S443)
Click on the source above, or
to view the first picture
available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
Subj: Driving The Wrong Way (S140, S461)
From: FrankRoesc on 10/08/1999
As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate,
his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "George, honey, I just
heard on the news that there's some maniac in a car
going the wrong way on 95... Please be careful!"
"Heck, Louise," said George,
"It's not just one car.
There's hundreds of them!"
Bad License Plate (S429b)
Subj: Dirty License Plate (S121)
From: kate289 on 5/25/99
It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months
to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:
Can you tell why?
See answer below.
It spells out "Eat Me" in someone's rear view mirror.
If it's gots Wheels or Tits
Sooner or Later
Going to give you trouble.
Bad License Plate 2 (S431b)
Subj: Remote Door Locks (S293)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/8/2002
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I
knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries it's a long walk."
Subj: Gas Price Watch (S384)
From: igiggle on 6/5/2004
This web site is great for choosing where to buy your gas
Subj: Frank and Ernest On Gas Prices (S379)
From: The Cartoonist Group on 04/30/04
Subj: Daughter Wants To Borrow Car From Dad
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
A girl goes up to her father one night and says "Dad, can
I have the car tonight?" Her father looks at her thought-
fully and says, "Sure, if you blow my dick." So the girl
puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits
it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" She cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied,
"I forgot I loaned the car
to your brother tonight."
Subj: Army Major Likes Women
Compiled by Max Weinstein 11/14/94
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the
car round," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the
car. By the time he had
re-started it, the girl had vanished. "Driver," said the
major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well,"
the driver said. "That was
9 Amazing Vehicles (S438b)
Subj: Rich Lady And Chauffeur Get Flat (S126)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/99
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they
get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off
the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out
at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well.
I can't get this freaking
Subj: Germans Buy German Cars In USA (S364)
From: jerry on 1/16/2004
Germany's Center Automotive Research (CAR) reports that,
because the euro has risen so far against the dollar,
German's can save 60,000 euros (enough to buy a Porsche
Cayenne) if they buy a German Porsche Carrera GT from a
dealer in the US and have it shipped back to Germany
where it was originally manufactured.
Frozen Pipes In The Garage (S364b)
Subj: Firestone Tires (S188)
..........From: JOELFALLON on 09/07/2000
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Just between us, the Michelin Man is a homo."
1. "You can't recall a better tire."
Subj: Nursery School License Plate (S280b)
From: jerry on 6/12/2002
License plate found on a nursery school passenger van:
New California Drivers License (S347b)
From: DoctorDebt on 9/23/2003
To view, go to my site at by clicking 'Here'.
Until 1965, driving was done
on the left-hand side on roads
in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a week-
day at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides.
This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where
drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too
sleepy to realize *this* was the day of the changeover.
In 1900 There were only 8,000
cars in the US and only 144
miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities
was ten mph.
From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS
If a police officer in Coeur
d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a
couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their
horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed
to approach the scene.
Any couple making out inside
a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken
to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against
watching two people having sex in a car.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed
to make love in an
automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle
is parked on the couple's own property.
An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky
state legislation. "No
female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within
this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers
or unless she be armed with a club".
The following important ammendment
however is to be
considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall
not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
From LAWS file.
In Utah birds have the right of way on all highways...
In Memphis, Tennessee it is illegal
for a woman to drive by
herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle,
waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians
In St. Louis, a law on the books
makes it illegal to park
your car without turning off the engine. This was to
avoid scaring horses.
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
*The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
Patience is something admired in the driver behind you,
but not in the one ahead of you.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #63 on 98-03-13
Why do they always keep the bathrooms locked at the gas station...
(are they afraid they someone will get in and clean them?)
From: grs on 98-04-05
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport
something by car, its
called a shipment, but when you transport something by
ship. its cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving
and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust
if it was not for Fords
our tools would rust.
The Eisenhower interstate system
requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The Boston University Bridge
(on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation
used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Average age of top GM executives
in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
The reason hot-rod owners raise
the backs of their cars is that
it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
Facts about Americans. Did you
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1/3 of us don't
wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
From: ossama on 98-05-05
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
From: ossama on 98-09-03
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
in Canada this year.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used
in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #297 on98-12-18
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
From: humorlist-digest V2 #294 on 98-12-14
When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my
grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers
in his car.
From: ossama on 99-02-25
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-02-26
After watching the Daytona 500 on TV, Steve Rushin of Sports
Illustrated says, ``The sport began to grow on me like
shower-curtain mildew.'' Previously, he said, he believed
auto racing fans ``fell into one of two categories: tattooed,
shirtless, sewer-mouthed drunks; and their husbands.''
From: smiles on 4/13/99 (S115)
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as
opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/25/2001
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
-- Robin Williams
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001 (S231b)
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially
if you take them while driving.
From: dogbyte on 9/4/2001 (S240)
Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban
housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2002 (S281b)
If everything seems under control,
you're just not going fast enough.
-- Mario Andretti
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/13/2002 (S267c)
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or
eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest
thing in life is to keep your mind young." -- Henry Ford
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/13/2002 on
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take
your eyes off your goal. -- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/4/2002 (S292b)
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't,
you are usually right. -- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely
unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/7/2002 (S305b)
You'll learn more about a road by travelling it
than by consulting all the maps in the world...
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/9/2003
The shortest distance between two points is always
under construction. -- Noelie Alite
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005
(S438b - thoughts-learned-supp)
My father always used to say that when you die, if you've
got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
-- Lee Iacocca
From: tadams96 on 6/6/2003 (S332b)
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004 (S378b
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
From: Imogenelumen on 5/15/2004 (S381b)
Never buy a car you can't push.
From: Shuttle Dave on June 25, 2004 (S386b)
Shuttle Dave is a retired man who drives the shuttle bus
for a auto dealership. "I only have this job to support
my viagra habit."
Q: What is the similarity between
FIAT cars and Italian girls ?
A: They're small on the outside, but
once you're inside, there's plenty of room.
Q: What's the difference between
a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Q. What's the difference between
a LADA (small Russian car)
and a sheep?
A. It's more embarrassing if you're caught getting out the
back of a LADA.
Q: How can you tell when a used
car salesman is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Fill it with gas.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
Q: How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A: Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the
nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-19
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.
From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003 (S322b)
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/28/2003 (S344b)
Q: If all the cars in the country were pink,
what would we have?
A: A pink car nation.
From: Anon Jr. on 9/17/2005 (S452b)
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
..........................Smiley repairs his car from Smiley_Central