(Includes 116 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Cars-Supp
Ford Pickup from
Animation Factory
| Subj:
Cars3 Jokes (Gz-m)
(Includes 116 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Cars-Supp |
|
Ford Pickup from Animation Factory |
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Thru Traffic (S507c)
From: lerman on 10/8/2006 |
 |
This 900 KB, 10 second movie
is amazing. I doubt you can watch
it just once. The version
on my web site is 20 seconds and
runs the movie twice.
Either watch the video at the source
above, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Those
Crazy Women Drivers (S247, S520)
From: dogbyte on 10/25/2001
and
From: jbcary1 on 1/7/2007
(See 'Crazy Female Drivers'
above)
I tell you, women drivers are
a hazard to traffic. Driving
to work this morning on the
freeway, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in
a Mustang doing 65 miles per
hour with her face up next to
her rear view mirror putting
on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds
and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane.
As a man, I don't scare easily,
but she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver
which knocked the donut out of
my other hand. And in
all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn
phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important
call.
Women drivers!!
\\\//
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Subj: Auto
Acronyms (S376b)
From: Dogstar's Doghouse Issue #7
at http://mistywoods.topcities.com/dogstar/dog-007.txt
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic
Influence
BMW Big Money Works
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible
Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve
Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease
Everywhere
FORD Flip over read directions
FORD (backwards) Driver Returns
On Foot
GM General Maintenance
GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand
Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely
Driven Sedan Made Of
Buick's Irregular
Leftover Equipment
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice
This Auto
VOLVO Very
Odd Looking Vehicular Object
\\\//
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Subj: How
To Beat A Speeding Ticket (S225, DU)
From: KMACINTY on 5/23/2001
A police officer pulls a guy
over for speeding and has the
following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had
it suspended when I got my
5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen??
Driver: That's right. But come
to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where
I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open
your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's
no gun in it. (Sure enough,
there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening
your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in trunk..
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)
Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the
lying son of a bitch told
you I was speeding, too.
\\\//
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Subj: Driver
Identification By State (S199 & S204)
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2000
1. One hand on wheel, one hand
on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger
out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger
out window, cutting across
all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand
on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator:
BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand
on nonfat double decaf
cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator,
gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes
shut, both feet on brake,
quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing,
both feet on accelerator,
head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz.
Double shot latte, one knee on wheel,
cradling
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game,
banging head
on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand
on hunting rifle, alternating
between both
feet being on the accelerator and both feet
on brake,
throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pickup
truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
antenna:
ALABAMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely visible above
windshield,
driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane
with the
left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Both hands on steering wheel
in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for
visible emissions
from their own or another's car: COLORADO
13. Four wheel drive pickup
truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
antenna:
WEST VIRGINIA.
14. Junker, driven by someone
who previously had a nice car
and who is
now wearing a barrel: LAS VEGAS
15. Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely visible above
window level,
driving 35 on the interstate in the left
lane with
the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen"
driver, also
known as "no-see-um"
\\\//
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Subj: Final
Words Before Crashes (S195)
From: thebartend on 10/24/2000
The National Transportation Safety
Board recently divulged
they had covertly funded a project
with the US auto makers for
the past fivey ears, whereby
the auto makers were installing
black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort
to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the
last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in
45 of the 50 states the last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent
of fatal crashes were,
"Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of North Carolina,
South Carolina, Missouri,
Georgia and Alabama were different,
where over 89.3 percent
of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
\\\//
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Subj: Repairing
Your Car At K-Mart (S190, S403)
From: RFSlick on 9/22/00
and
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/4/2004
From the Sydney Morning Herald
Australia comes this story of
a central west couple who drove
their car to K-Mart only to
have their car break down in
the parking lot. The man told
his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see
a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection
she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into
glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment
she dutifully stepped forward
and tucked everything back into
place. On regaining her feet
she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly
by. The mechanic, however, had
to have three stitches in his
head.
\\\//
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Subj: Crazy
Female Drivers (S189, S535c)
From: DoctorDebt on 6/5/2003
and
From: AFine963 on 4/17/2007
(See 'Those Crazy Women
Drivers' below)
I was riding to work yesterday
when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of
a pickup truck causing him
to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently
pissed the driver off enough
that he hung his head out
his window and flipped the woman
off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought
to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner whenever a
female does anything to me in
traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way every
day to work, that's 76
miles. Of these, 16 miles
each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper
is on an 8-lane highway so
if you just look at the 7 lanes
I am not in, that means
I pass something like a new
car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet
for 32 miles. That works
out to be 982 cars every mile,
or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 34
miles is not bumper to
bumper. I figure I pass
at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something
like 36,000 cars I
pass every day. Statistically
half of these are driven
by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females
one in twenty-eight are
having the worst day of their
period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70%
describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding,
that's 449. According
to the National Institutes of
Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide
or homicide, that's
98. And 34% describe men
as their biggest problem,
that's 33.
According to the National Rifle
Association 5% of all
females carry weapons and this
number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE
DAY, I drive past at least
one female that has a lousy
love life, thinks men are
her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide
or homicide, is having the worst
day of her period,
AND is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic,
I wouldn't DREAM
of flipping her off.
\\\//
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Subj: On Drive,
Wife Wants Divorce (S174, S487)
From: thebartend on 5/26/00
and
From: darrell94590 on 5/25/2006
(See 'Husband
Wants To Divorce Wife' in MARRIAGE5)
A married couple is driving down
the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him
and says, "Honey, I know we've
been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want
you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an
affair with your best friend, and
he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet
and just speeds up as his anger
increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps
driving faster, and faster,
now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the
checking account, and all the
credit cards too." The
husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as
she says, "Is there anything you
want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before
they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
\\\//
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| Subj:
Gasoline Prices (S165, S377)
From: gheckman on 3/16/00 and From: Imogenelumen on 4/17/2004 To view this cute article and
twelve picture
|
 |
WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when
the mileage reaches 3000
since the
last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write
a check and leave with a
properly
maintained vehicle.
MEN:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts
and write a check for 50
dollars for
oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter),
hand cleaner
and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil
container is full. Instead
of taking
back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in
back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes
looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's
pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another
beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent
wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of
hot oil; get hot oil on you
in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while
oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter
with Phillips screwdriver and
twist it
off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case
with him. Decide to finish
oil change
tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full
of old oil out from underneath
car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty
litter) on oil spilled
during step
18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making
sure to apply thin coat of
clean oil
to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh
oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from
step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug
in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug
before the whole quart of
fresh oil
drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang
knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board
in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes
because wrench hit Miss
December
1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid
to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts
of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of
the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more
oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to
fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car
\\\//
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Subj: You
Know You Drive A Beater If: (S160)
From: mbucher on 02/12/2000
Your rear fenders have lots of
dings OUTWARD from tools and
spare parts flying
around in the trunk when you corner.
You car has the "keyless entry"
feature. Both locks are
broken and unusable.
You wipe the spilled oil off
the valve cover with a rag, and
then you wipe the
excess wheel bearing grease off your
hand on the fender.
You double the book value of your car when you fill the tank.
You are really pissed that you
scratched the edges of you
Coleman canoe because
you didn't put a blanket on the
roof of your car
when you carried it up there to the lake.
Nobody wants to steal it or even brush up against it.
It was stolen once and found two blocks way, on the same street.
Curbs are minor inconveniences
and in no way limit the paved
surfaces your car
has access to.
You remove the snow from your
car with the same metal shovel
you cleared the
driveway with.
10 to 15 pounds of roadsalt on
the car doesn't faze you,
in fact, you think
it kinda looks cool.
You drive through an exclusive
section of town the cops
ALWAYS follow you.
After you nail a particularly
nasty pothole your first impulse
is to see if you
bent a wheel, your second impulse is to
make sure no chunks
of sheetmetal are missing.
The keys haven't been out of the ignition for over a year.
Your car uses more "other" fluids than gasoline.
The cost to fill the tank is more than your yearly excise tax.
At your local car club show,
you easily win the "Best Use of
Body Fillers and
Assorted Adhesives" class every year.
10 seconds after shifting into
park it backfires so loudly
that everyone in
a 1/2 block radius hits the deck. You
have the timing
of this backfire down pat. As you walk
away, you turn
and fake "shooting at your car" with a
"gun hand" just
as it backfires.
You think you can get "another hundred thousand out of it easy".
You give it away when you are done with it.
You CAN'T give it away when you are done with it.
You will never be DONE with it.
You really like the tires are on the car because "they hold air".
After a minor fender bender with
lamp post some stuff that was
stuck or broken
starts working again.
It was broken into but nothing was taken.
You got drunk once and "waxed
it" with a bucket of industrial
floor polish and
a mop. It didn't bother you the next day,
in fact in hindsight
you are kind of proud of thinking
that up.
The kids use it for a backstop when playing baseball.
You are on retainer as a consultant for 3M's duct tape division.
You use the oil from your dipstick
rag to clean bugs off your
winsheild.
You have a total of six lug nuts
still performing their intended
function.
Your idea of a "theftproof" gas
cap is to snake a tie-wrap
through the rag.
A small field mouse has moved
into the hole where the trunk
lock used to be.
[AND, my all time favorite....]
Your car gets "keyed" and you
try to make a design out of the
scratch with YOUR
keys.
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car (S147, S369b)
From: RFSlick on 11/20/1999
and
From: Imogenelumen on 2/10/2004
Sometimes he sends what we need, not necessarily what we expect.
A woman was at work when she
received a phone call that her
daughter was very sick with
a fever. She left her work and
stopped by the pharmacy to get
some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she
found that she had locked her keys
in the car. She was in
a hurry to get home to her sick daughter,
she didn't know what to do,
so she called her home and told the
baby sitter what had happened
and that she did not know what to
do.
The baby sitter told her that
her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a
coat hanger and use that to open the
door". The woman looked
around and found an old rusty coat hanger
that had been thrown down on
the ground possibly by someone else
who at some time or other had
locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use
this."So she bowed her head
and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes in old rusty
car pulled up, with a dirty,
greasy, bearded man who was
wearing an old biker skull rag on his
head.
The woman thought, "Great God.
This is what you sent to help me????"
But, she was desperate, so she
was also very thankful. The man
got out of his car and asked
her if he could help. She said "Yes,
my daughter is very sick......I
stopped to get her some medication
and I locked my keys in my car,
I must get home to her. Please,
can you use this hanger to unlock
my car."
He said, "SURE". He walked
over to the car, and in less than one
minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her
tears she said, "THANK YOU SO
MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am
not a nice man. I just got out of
prison today. I was in
prison for car theft and have only been
out for about an hour.
The woman hugged the man again
and with sobbing tears cried out
loud..... "THANK YOU,
GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Short
Car Jokes
 |
Subj:
Car Protection System (S471c)
From: darrell94590 on 2/1/2006 |
| Subj:
Gas Prices (S447b in Movies)
From: darrell94590 on 8/22/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Rube Goldberg Honda Ad (S447 in Movies)
From: julie on 8/10/2005 |
| Subj:
Women Only Parking Lots (S443)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/13/2005 |
 |
Click on the source above, or
'HERE'
to view the first picture
available of this world-first
women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
 |
Subj:
Vehicle Barrier (S442b)
From: chicababe1978 on 7/10/2005 |
I've been looking for some footage
like this to prove
my point. In this test, the
following parameters were
used. Read them and then
watch the film.
Truck = 65,000 lbs.
Speed = 50 mph
Kinetic Energy = 5.5
MILLION ft. lbs
Stopped in 24 INCHES !!!
Click 'HERE'
to view this revealing movie. You will be
viewing the movie through your
computer's 'Media Player'.
| Subj:
9 Amazing Vehicles (S438b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/14/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Airbag For Men (S435b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/24/2005 |
| Subj:
Bad License Plate 2 (S431b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/28/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Bad License Plate (S429b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/14/2005 |
| Subj:
Murphy's Laws Applied To Cars (S412)
From: mebharkins on 12/17/2004 |
 |
Top
Subj: Gas
Price Watch (S384)
From: igiggle on 6/5/2004
This web site is great for choosing
where to buy your gas
- http://www.gaspricewatch.com/usgas_index.asp
Top
Subj: Frank
and Ernest On Gas Prices (S379)
From: The Cartoonist Group on 04/30/04
at http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/store/add.php?iid=7099
Top
Subj: Germans
Buy German Cars In USA (S364)
From: jerry on 1/16/2004
Germany's Center Automotive
Research (CAR) reports that,
because the euro has risen so
far against the dollar,
German's can save 60,000 euros
(enough to buy a Porsche
Cayenne) if they buy a German
Porsche Carrera GT from a
dealer in the US and have it
shipped back to Germany
where it was originally manufactured.
CNN 8-Jan-04
 |
Subj:
Frozen Pipes In The Garage (S364b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/15/2004 |
| Subj:
New California Drivers License (S347b)
From: DoctorDebt on 9/23/2003 To view, go to my web site at by clicking 'Here'. |
 |
Top
Subj: Car
Horn Beeps (S325)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/22/03
CAR LOCATOR
After shopping at a busy store,
another woman and I
happened to leave at the same
time, only to be faced
with the daunting task of finding
our cars in the crowded
parking lot. Just then my car
horn beeped, and I was able
to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure
could use a gadget like that
to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's
my husband."
Top
Subj: Remote
Door Locks (S293)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/8/2002
I recently saw a distraught
young lady weeping beside her
car. "Do you need some
help?" I asked. She replied, "I
knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant
convenient store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there
and check about the
batteries it's a long walk."
Top
Subj: Nursery
School License Plate (S280b)
From: jerry on 6/12/2002
License plate found on a nursery
school passenger van:
PPB4UGO.
Top
Subj: Firestone
Tires (S188)
..........From:
JOELFALLON on 09/07/2000
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for
Firestone Tires
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift
for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a
lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving
around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your
car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really
expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance
of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like
we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Just between us,
the Michelin Man is a homo."
1. "You can't recall
a better tire."
Top
Subj: Buzzing
Stoplights (S176)
From: agrief on 6/15/00
The stoplight on the corner
buzzes when it is safe to cross
the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine, when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer
was for. I explained that
it signals to blind people when
the light is red. She
responded, appalled, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
Top
Subj: Driving
The Wrong Way (S140, S461)
From: FrankRoesc on 10/08/1999
As a senior citizen was driving
down the interstate,
his cell phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him,
"George, honey, I just
heard on the news that there's
some maniac in a car
going the wrong way on 95...
Please be careful!"
"Heck, Louise," said George,
"It's not just one car.
There's hundreds of them!"
Top
Subj: Rich
Lady & Chauffeur Get Flat (S126)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/99
A rich lady is riding along
with her chauffeur when they
get a flat tire. He gets
out and starts trying to pry off
the hubcap. After he struggles
a few minutes, she looks out
at him and says, "You wanna
screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well.
I can't get this freaking
hubcap off."
Top
Subj: Dirty
License Plate (S121)
From: kate289 on 5/25/99
It took the Division of Motor
Vehicles 6 months
to figure out and revoke this
personalized license plate:
"3M TA3"
Can you tell why?
See answer below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It spells out "Eat Me" in someone's
rear view mirror.
If it's gots Wheels or Tits
Sooner or Later
It is
Going to give you trouble
Top
Subj: Army
Major Likes Women
Compiled by Max Weinstein 11/14/94
An Army driver was chauffeur
to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the major
saw a lovely girl. "Turn the
car round," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the
car. By the time he had
re-started it, the girl had
vanished. "Driver," said the
major, "you'd be a total loss
in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well,"
the driver said. "That was
my girl."
Top
Subj: Daughter
Wants To Borrow Car From Dad
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
A girl goes up to her father
one night and says "Dad, can
I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thought-
fully and says, "Sure, if you
blow my dick." So the girl
puts his penis in her mouth
and almost immediately spits
it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" She cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied,
"I forgot I loaned the car
to your brother tonight."
Until 1965, driving was done
on the left-hand side on roads
in Sweden. The conversion
to right-hand was done on a week-
day at 5pm. All traffic
stopped as people switched sides.
This time and day were chosen
to prevent accidents where
drivers would have gotten up
in the morning and been too
sleepy to realize *this* was
the day of the changeover.
In 1900 There were only 8,000
cars in the US and only 144
miles of paved roads. The maximum
speed limit in most cities
was ten mph.
From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS
If a police officer in Coeur
d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a
couple is having sex inside
a vehicle they must honk their
horn three times, and wait two
minutes before being allowed
to approach the scene.
Any couple making out inside
a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn during their
lustful act, may be taken
to jail according to a Liberty
Corner, New Jersey law.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against
masturbating while
watching two people having sex
in a car.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed
to make love in an
automobile unless the act takes
place while the vehicle
is parked on the couple's own
property.
An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky
state legislation. "No
female shall appear in a bathing
suit on any highway within
this state unless she be escorted
by at least two officers
or unless she be armed with
a club".
The following important ammendment
however is to be
considered here: "The provisions
of this statuate shall
not apply to females weighing
less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall
it apply to female horses."
From LAWS file.
In Utah birds have the right of way on all highways...
In Memphis, Tennessee it is illegal
for a woman to drive by
herself; "a man must walk or
run in front of the vehicle,
waving a red flag in order to
warn approaching pedestrians
and motorists"....
In St. Louis, a law on the books
makes it illegal to park
your car without turning off
the engine. This was to
avoid scaring horses.
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
*The first Ford cars had Dodge
engines.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
Patience is something admired
in the driver behind you,
but not in the one ahead of
you.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #63 on 98-03-13
Why do they always keep the
bathrooms locked at the gas station...
(are they afraid they someone
will get in and clean them?)
From: grs on 98-04-05
Why do we drive on parkways,
and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport
something by car, its
called a shipment, but when
you transport something by
ship. its cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving
and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on
the radio?
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Forget about World Peace ...
Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust
if it was not for Fords
our tools would rust.
The Eisenhower interstate system
requires that one mile in
every five must be straight.
These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times
of war or other emergencies.
The Boston University Bridge
(on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the
only place in the world
where a boat can sail under
a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation
used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle,
G.P.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Average age of top GM executives
in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average age of the Rolling Stones:
50.6.
The reason hot-rod owners raise
the backs of their cars is that
it's easier to go faster when
you're always going downhill.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
Facts about Americans. Did you
know that...
71% can drive a stick-shift
car.
45% of us consistantly follow
the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow
light. 1/3 of us don't
wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car
blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed
up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've
been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
From: ossama on 98-05-05
Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
I drive way too fast to worry
about cholesterol
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30
If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
Someday we'll look back on all
this and plow into a parked car.
From: ossama on 98-09-03
Chrysler Corporation is adding
a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge
Draft will begin production
in Canada this year.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
Kids in the back seat cause
accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The name Jeep came from the
abbreviation used
in the army for the General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #297 on98-12-18
Never lend your car to anyone
to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
From: humorlist-digest V2 #294 on 98-12-14
When I die I want to go peacefully,
in my sleep, like my
grandfather; not screaming and
yelling like the passengers
in his car.
From: ossama on 99-02-25
There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-02-26
(S110)
After watching the Daytona 500
on TV, Steve Rushin of Sports
Illustrated says, ``The sport
began to grow on me like
shower-curtain mildew.''
Previously, he said, he believed
auto racing fans ``fell into
one of two categories: tattooed,
shirtless, sewer-mouthed drunks;
and their husbands.''
From: smiles on 4/13/99 (S115)
If you lived in your car, you'd
be home by now
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer,
on racing Saturday nights as
opposed to Sunday afternoons:
"It's basically the same, just
darker." (1991)
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
American car horns beep in the
tone of F.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/25/2001
(S226)
"Why do they call it rush hour
when nothing moves?"
-- Robin Williams
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001 (S231b)
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially
if you take them while driving.
From: dogbyte on 9/4/2001 (S240)
Every three minutes, somewhere
in America a suburban
housewife backs the family car
through the garage door.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
(S269)
Birds of a feather flock together
and crap on your car.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2002 (S281b)
If everything seems under control,
you're just not going fast enough.
-- Mario Andretti
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/13/2002 (S267c)
"Anyone who stops learning is
old, whether at twenty or
eighty. Anyone who keeps learning
stays young. The greatest
thing in life is to keep your
mind young." -- Henry Ford
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/13/2002 on
289b)
Obstacles are those frightful
things you see when you take
your eyes off your goal.
-- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/4/2002 (S292b)
Whether you think that you can,
or that you can't,
you are usually right.
-- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
Murray Walker, "The lead car
is absolutely
unique, except for the one behind
it which is identical."
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/7/2002 (S305b)
You'll learn more about a road
by travelling it
than by consulting all the maps
in the world...
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/9/2003
(S328b)
The shortest distance between
two points is always
under construction. --
Noelie Alite
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005
(S438b - thoughts-learned-supp)
My father always used to say
that when you die, if you've
got five real friends, then
you've had a great life.
-- Lee Iacocca
From: tadams96 on 6/6/2003 (S332b)
"We've got to pause and ask
ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" -- Lee
Iacocca
From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004 (S378b
in Funeral)
Can a hearse carrying a corpse
drive in the carpool lane?
From: Imogenelumen on 5/15/2004 (S381b)
Never buy a car you can't push.
From: Shuttle Dave on June 25, 2004
(S386b)
Shuttle Dave is a retired man
who drives the shuttle bus
for a auto dealership.
"I only have this job to support
my viagra habit."
Q: What is the similarity between
FIAT cars and Italian girls ?
A: They're small on the outside,
but
once you're inside,
there's plenty of room.
Q: What's the difference between
a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: On the porcupine, the pricks
are on the outside.
Q. What's the difference between
a LADA (small Russian car)
and a sheep?
A. It's more embarrassing if
you're caught getting out the
back of a LADA.
Q: How can you tell when a used
car salesman is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: How do you double the value
of a Yugo?
A: Fill it with gas.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
(S125b)
Q: How can you tell the porno
star at the gas station?
A: Just as the gas starts up
the hose, he pulls out the
nozzle and sprays
the gas all over the car.
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-19
Q: How do you double the value
of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.
From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003 (S322b)
Q: What's the difference between
a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: On the porcupine, the pricks
are on the outside.
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/28/2003 (S344b)
Q: If all the cars in the country
were pink,
what would we have?
A: A pink car nation.
From: Anon Jr. on 9/17/2005 (S452b)
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic
just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
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