computers1

>>>
Subj: Computer1 Jokes (Gz)
(Inclides 20 jokes and articles)

This site has all your favorite web sites shown with
icons on one page. Just Point and click! Rarely do
I find a web site that I like better than my joke site.
This site is the best. Try it at the source above.

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Subj:     No More Keyboards (S563b)
          From: darrellvip on 11/3/2007

This 6,400 KB movie demonstrates computers than do not
need keyboards, or mice. To see the movie, click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Windows 95 Error Codes
          From: ossama on 98-04-19

"Windows 95 Error Codes"
Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes
were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals,
so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001
    Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002
    No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003
    Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004
    Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005
    Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006
    Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007
    System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008
    Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009
    Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A
    Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B
    Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C
    Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D
    Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E
    Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F
    Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010
    Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011
    Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012
    Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013
    Unexpected error - Huh?
WinErr: 014
    Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018
    Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
    new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019
    User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A
    Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
    software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B
    Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
    Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C
    Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D
    System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E
    Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F
    Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020
    Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be
    lost.
WinErr: 042
    Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
    The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
    automatically be closed and the virus will be activated
    again.
WinErr: 079
    Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
    Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103
    Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
    Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678
    This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
    another game?
WinErr: 683
    Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
    the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815
    Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available

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Subj:     Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-10

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little
lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground
to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting
my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

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Subj:     Homeland Security Internet Tracking (S449)
          From: MEBHARKINS on 8/22/2005
Source: http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security
Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet
surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive
method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click on the source above, or on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Why Computers Are Better Than Women

A computer doesn't complain if you turn in on, or off.
A computer does what you tell it.
You can have as many computers as you like.
You can always upgrade your computer for a faster model.
Computers have quicker access time, and better response.
You computer doesn't ask you for extra memory,
    a new drive or better graphics.
A computer won't gossip about how bad you are to
    other computers.
A computer doesn't care if you use other computers.
A computer won't mind if you use it with the lights turned on.
You always know where you can find your computer.
You can abuse your computer and you don't have to buy it
    flowers to use it again.
You can have a long distance relationship with a computer.
You can have more than one person on a computer at a time.
You can always make a computer go down.
A Computer doesn't care if you plug extra things into it.

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Subj:     Dogs On Line (S406b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/29/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200409/009.htm

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Subj:     Upgrading Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 (S419)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 2/2/2005

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife
1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little
system resources for other applications.

He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-
Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No
mention of this particular phenomena was included in the
product brochure or the documentation, though other users
have informed him that this is to be expected due to the
nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs
itself such that it is always launched at system initializa-
tion where it can monitor all other system activity. He's
finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Beer-
Bash 2.5,and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the
system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though
they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-
Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminishwith each passing
day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0
   be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without
   the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode
   which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be
   much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with
Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however,
I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girl-
friend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girl-
friend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug
which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You
think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make
matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 does
not work very well leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend
continually popup little annoying messages about the
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.

*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a
different system and never run any file transfer applications
such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware
applications that have been known to carry viruses that
may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet
provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of
the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the
UseNet.

Top
Second version
Subj: Tech Support for GirlFriend x.x
From: Octagon999 on 97-12-09

Dear Bob in Tech Support,

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and
I've been having some problems lately. I've been running
the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever, as my
primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've
tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is
run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But
I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the
sound off. I just run them seperately, and it works okay.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with
my Leisure 3.1 and QuietTime programs, often trying to
abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I
thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted
a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He
said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run
properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All
the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used
it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole
system and shut down for a while to re-check my hardware.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I
used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection
program. It worked okay for a while, until I discovered that
GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running
GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but
GirlFriend 4.0 has a "feature" I didn't know about that
automatically detects the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in the background in some
way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still
some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is
written in some obscure language I can't understand, much
less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention
paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.
Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you
usually have to use gold-plated contacts, which is very
expensive. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally
"object-oriented", as that interface is sometimes cumbersome
and even counter-intuitive.

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl-
Friend to GirlFriendPlus 1.1, which is a Terminate and Stay
Resident version of GirlFriend. To his dismay, however, he
discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.1 expires within a year of
the upgrade, if you don't upgrade AGAIN to Fiancee 1.0. So
he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade YET AGAIN to
Wife 1.0, which he describes as a HUGE resource hog.

It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. In fact, it has even automatically deleted several
of his other programs to make room for itself, not the least
of which was DrinkingBuddies 1.0, which used to be one of
his favorite applications, as well. This is particularly
disturbing to me, as we used to run DrinkingBuddies 1.0 on
a network with several of our mutual friends, and now he
can't even connect anymore!

He told me that one of the primary reasons he decided to go
with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus,
which sounded great. Well, it turns out the resource
allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes inexplicably
prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly when he
starts the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. Also, for no
apparent reason, the OralSex 1.0 module that worked fine
in his previous versions of GirlFriendPlus and Fiancee,
stopped working the instant the upgrade to Wife 1.0 finished
installing.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-
up system before he can do anything with the FreeSexPlus
module. This warming up process requires him to run an
antiquated version of ForePlay Beta, which has an
agonizingly slow interface, and which has an unfortunate
tendency to crash, requiring a cold reboot to his system.
The real insult to injury however, is that even though he
did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came embedded with MotherInLaw
2.0, which has an irritating automatic pop-up feature he
can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 (which I had
heard works great in such situations), but he said he heard
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before doing
an uninstall of itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install
anyway because of insufficient resources.

Please help me Bob, I don't know what to do. Since the
initial release, I have had nothing but problems.

I've heard that I would really like the CoolGirlFriend 1.0
Deluxe Upgrade (which is supposed to come bundled with a
completely functioning version of FreeSexDeluxe), but that
release is no where to be found - not even the Beta version!
That release is also supposed to come with it's own resource
management module seamlessly layered in, so it won't
conflict with any of my other programs (barring previous
versions of GirlFriend, which I would happily delete!).

Please advise.

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Subj:     Upgrading Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 (S221)
          From: gheckman on 4/20/2001

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed the new program began making unexpected changes to
the accounting modules-limiting access to flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0 Conversationion 8.0
no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 2.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.

(Signed) Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the
command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications:
Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0
or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will
create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install Mother-
InLaw 1.0 or attempt reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.

In Summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

(Signed)
Tech Support

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Subj:     AOL Headquarters (S386)
          From: mrx on 6/12/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/013.htm

To view the cartoon 'AOL Heaqdquarters' click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     I've Got An AOL Wife (S25)
          From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14

So here I sit, in all my glory...
    lend me an ear,and I'll tell ya a story...
I once had a wife, all warm and cuddly;
    then came AOL, and it all turned ugly!
Now there she sits for hours on end...
    don't care where I'm goin, or where I have been.
I could be home, or I could be gone...
    she really don't care, as long as she's on...
   (line, that is)
After work she rushes home...I guess I shouldn't be
    pissed... but its not to see me, its to see what
    she's missed!
To say Hi to her buddies, who bout live in that room...
    when this place needs a mop...and could sure use
    a broom!
So I'll just drink me a beer, and watch some TV,
    and wonder just why she's not talkin to me!
I sit here each day-GOD I NEED A LIFE-
    but that's how it is with an AOL wife...
I sat here and pondered just what I might do...
    Hell, I got a screen name-now I'm online TOO!!!!

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Subj:     Silicon Valley Lingo (S32)
          From: vcarlew on 97-09-10

You can't be professionally cool if you're using outdated
jargon. Here's the latest from the corporate and Silicon
Valley jungles.

"percussive maintenance"
The fine art of whacking the stuffing out of a device to
get it working.

"prairie dogging"
In companies where everyone has a cubicle -- something
happens and everyone pops up to look.

"blowing your buffer"
Losing your train of thought.

"yuppie food coupons"
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

"square headed girlfriend" (or boyfriend)
Your computer.

"treeware"
Manuals and documentation.

"umfriend"
Concealed intimate relationship, as in, "This is Dale,
my...um...friend."

"batmobiling"
Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor
that covers the batmobile), as in, "She started talking
marriage and he started batmobiling."

"beepilepsy"
Afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by
sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of
speech and voluntary muscle coordination.

"betamaxed"
When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior
but better marketed competition, as in, "Microsoft
betamaxed Apple right out of the market."

"cobweb"
A WWW site that never changes.

"high dome"
Egghead, scientist, PhD.

"Elvis year"
The peak year of popularity, as in, "1993 was Barney the
Dinosaur's Elvis year."

"generica"
Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in,
"We were so lost in generica that we couldn't remember
what city we were passing through."

"irritainment"
Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial.

"meatspace"
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual), also
"carbon community", "facetime", "F2F", "RL."

"siliwood" also "hollywired"
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV
and computers.

"world wide wait"
WWW

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Subj:     Six Reasons Computers Must Be Female: (S40)
          From: RBishop707 on 97-10-01
          (Also see 'Computer Gender?' in COMPUTER4)

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around
    the corner.
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
    memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers
    is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as
    informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
    then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find your-
    self spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Top
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
From: cohen#il on 97-10-30

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look attractive until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

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Subj:     Husband Gets A Computer (S44)
         From: humorlist-digest V1 #264 on 97-12-01

To my darling husband,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company
envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what's been going
on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the
arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All
the figures were good but yours was excellent!!. The chair
and back of your head are very realistic. You would be
proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She
looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive
child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent
the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand
day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was
delighted to discover that it really was more fun. Lars,
I mean Mr. Swensen, the department head, has taken an
interest in my career and has become a good friend to us
all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier
since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and
that the feather duster made you sneeze. The house is in
good shape. I had the living room painted last spring.
I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to
cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be
disturbed.

Well dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swensen, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is much
packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care
of things while we are away. She'll keep things in
order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the
computer room just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we
are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to
remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

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Subj:     I Am NOT Addicted (S469b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles
          on 1/13/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19970404

To view this cartoon, click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Working For Google (S558b)
          From: gattica30 on 9/27/2007
Photo from YouTube

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd6BPhJjYL4&
.........mode=related&search=Best%20Wishes

This movie reveals the work environment at Google.
You can see the movie at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     I'm On The Computer Too Long (S559c)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 10/1/2007

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20071001

You can view this cute picture at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     User Error Message (S586b)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 3/12/2008

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20050124

You can view this cute, stupid, computer interrupt message
at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Smiley hates computers from
Smiley_Central

.