Subj:     Computer2 Jokes
                 (Includes 17 jokes and articles, 02 1073,9,cLf,wXT2a6b,4)

Computer Arm from
All Free Original ClipArt
Includes the following:  Technology Advances But People Stay The Same- Cartoon (S408)
.........................The Ultimate Computer (S663)
.........................Amazon Echo Silver - SNL (S1072)
.........................If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft (S130)
.........................Internet Dating - Video (S665b)
.........................Buying A Monkey From A Pet Shop (S272c, DU)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S969)
.........................The Sultan's Only Son (S178)
.........................The Origin Of The Internet - Web Page (S225, S613b)
.........................The Internet's Invisible Hand (S259b)
.........................What, Exactly, Is The Internet? - web Page/Long Joke (S57)
.........................Cybersex (S31)
.........................Cybersex II (S102)
.........................Amazing new technology! - 7 Photos (S474a)
.........................You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When:
.........................Barcode Evolution - Drawing (S1073)
.........................How To Install Software (S53)
.........................The New Alphabet - Cartoon (S387b)

Subj:     Technology Advances But People Stay The Same (S408)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/11/2004
  Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     The Ultimate Computer (S663)
          From: dogbyte on 10/23/2001

 The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate
 Computer Company's production line, at which point the
 guided tour eventually arrived.

 The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
 "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer.  It will
 give an intelligent answer to any question you may care
 to ask it."

 A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward
 and asked, "Where is my father?"

 There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going
 to the task.  Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a
 couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece
 of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

 The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead!  It
 was a trick question."

 The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that
 he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the
 Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the
 question might work better.

 The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer,
 "Where is my mother's husband?"

 Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled
 the room.  After a moment, the laser printer whirred to
 life.  The paper said: 'Your mother's husband has been
 dead for 10 years.  Your father just caught a 5 lb bass!'

Subj:     Amazon Echo Silver - SNL (S1072)
          Published by Saturday Night Live
          From: TLL on 7/29/2016 (d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/YvT_gqs5ETk

 Click 'HERE' to see the Saturday Night Live skit
 "Amazon Echo Silver" which is very funny.

Subj:     If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft (S130)
          From: smiles on 7/28/99

 Patron: Waiter!
 Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
 Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
 Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
 Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
 Patron: No, it's still there.
 Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try
         eating it with a fork instead.
 Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
 Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
         kind of bowl are you using?
 Patron: A SOUP bowl!
 Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration
         problem. How was the bowl set up?
 Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
         do with the fly in my soup?!
 Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
         noticed the fly in your soup?
 Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
 Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest
         Soup of the Day?
 Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
 Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
 Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
 Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
 Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm
         running late now.

 [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
 and the check]

 Waiter: Here you are, sir.  The soup and your check.
 Patron: This is potato soup.
 Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
 Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

 [waiter leaves.]

 Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!

 The check:
 Soup of the Day . . . . . . ..............$5.00
 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day......... $2.50
 Access to support . . . . . ............. $1.00

Subj:     Internet Dating (S665b, in Dating3) 
          From: sfo_pilot on 10/5/2009 (d-Object)
..........Source: www.youtube.com/embed/c-5dEC64SMc

 Click 'HERE' to see this cute, short, dirty video.

Subj:     Buying A Monkey From A Pet Shop (S272c, DU)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/11/2002

 (Also see 'Three High Priced Parrots' in BIRDS-PARROTS)

 A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
 animals on display. While he was there, another customer
 walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop.

 The shopkeeper took out a monkey, fit a collar and leash.
 He handed it to the customer, and saying, "That'll be $5000."
 The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

 Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
 "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only
 a few hundred dollars.  Why did it cost so much?"

 The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in
 C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

 The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "
 That one's even more expensive - $10,000!  What does it do?"

 "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented
 programming, Visual C++, even some Java.  All the really
 useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

 The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a
 third monkey in a cage of its own.  The price tag around
 its neck read $50,000.  He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That
 one costs more than all the others put together!  What on
 earth does it do?"

 The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen
 it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S969)
          By Dan Piraro on 8/7/2015
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/august-7-2015/
Subj:     The Sultan's Only Son (S178)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/00

 Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he
 had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir.
 Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him
 with his only son and heir.

 Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to
 one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you
 want, I shall get for you."

 His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

 Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him
 American Airlines.

 Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to
 one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I
 shall get for you."

 His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

 Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The
 Princess Cruise Lines.

 Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to
 one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life.
 Anything you want, I shall get for you."

 His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch

 Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him
 Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his
 favorite cartoons.

 Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to
 one side.  "Son, you are an inspiration to us all.  Anything
 you want, I shall get for you."

 His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons,
 replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

 Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought
 him Microsoft.

Subj:     The Origin Of The Internet (S225, S613b)
          From: RFSlick on 5/21/2001
 Source: (Removed from singingman.us)

 (Also see 'The Start Of The Internet' in COMPUTER4)

 You can view this cute story with pictures and music
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     The Internet's Invisible Hand (S259b)
          By KATIE HAFNER on 01/10/02
          From: pns on 1/14/2002
 Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/10

 No one owns it. And no one in particular actually runs it.
 Yet more than half a billion people rely on it as they do
 a light switch.

 The Internet is a network whose many incarnations - as
 obscure academic playpen, information superhighway, vast
 marketplace, sci-fi-inspired matrix - have seen it through
 more than three decades of ceaseless evolution.

 In the mid-1990's, a handful of doomsayers predicted that
 the Internet would melt down under the strain of increased
 volume.  They proved to be false prophets, yet now, as it
 enters its 33rd year, the Net faces other challenges.

 The demands and dangers - sudden, news- driven traffic,
 security holes, and a clamor for high-speed access to homes
 - are concerns that bear no resemblance to those that
 preoccupied the Internet's creators.  For all their genius,
 they failed to see what the Net would become once it left
 the confines of the university and entered the free market.

 Those perils are inextricably linked to what experts
 consider the Internet's big promise: evolving into an
 information utility as ubiquitous and accessible as
 electricity.  That, too, was not foreseen by most of the
 engineers and computer scientists who built the Net in the
 1960's and 70's.

 Ten years ago, at the end of 1991, the same year that the
 World Wide Web was put in place but a good two or three
 years before the term Web browser became part of everyday
 speech, the Net was home to some 727,000 hosts, or
 computers with unique Internet Protocol, or I.P., addresses.
 By the end of 2001, that number had soared to 175 million,
 according to estimates by Matrix Net Systems, a network
 measurement business in Austin, Tex.

 For all that growth, the Net operates with surprisingly few
 hiccups, 24 hours a day - and with few visible signs of who
 is responsible for keeping it that way.  There are no vans
 with Internet Inc. logos at the roadside, no workers in
 Cyberspace hard hats hovering over manholes.

 Such is yet another of the Internet's glorious mysteries.
 No one really owns the Net, which, as most people know by
 now, is actually a sprawling collection of networks owned
 by various telecommunications carriers.  The largest,
 known as backbone providers, include WorldCom (news/quote),
 Verizon, Sprint and Cable - Wireless (news/quote) USA.

 What, then, is the future of this vital public utility?
 Who determines it?  And who is charged with carrying it out?

 For the Internet's first 25 years, the United States
 government ran parts of it, financed network research and
 in some cases paid companies to build custom equipment to
 run the network.  But in the mid-1990's the Net became a
 commercial enterprise, and its operation was transferred
 to private carriers.  In the process, most of the govern-
 ment's control evaporated.

 Now the network depends on the cooperation and mutual
 interests of the telecommunications companies.  Those so-
 called backbone providers adhere to what are known as
 peering arrangements, which are essentially agreements to
 exchange traffic at no charge.

 "Peering fits right in with the overly loose way the
 Internet is provided," said Scott Bradner, a senior
 technical consultant at Harvard University, "which is
 unrelated commercial interests doing their own thing." Mr.
 Bradner, co-director of the Internet Engineering Task
 Force, an international self-organized group of network
 designers, operators and researchers who have set
 technical standards for the Internet since the late 1980's,
 said that peering remains a remarkably robust mechanism.
 And for now, capacity is not a particularly pressing
 problem because the backbone providers have been laying
 high-speed lines at prodigious rates over the last few

 "We've got a lot of long-distance fiber in the ground, a
 lot of which isn't being used, but it's available," said
 Craig Partridge, a chief scientist at BBN Technologies,
 an engineering company that oversaw the building of the
 first network switches in the late 1960's and is now owned
 by Verizon.

 Still, the fear that the Net is not up to its unforeseen
 role still gnaws at prognosticators.  Consider the
 gigalapse prediction.

 In December 1995, Robert Metcalfe, who invented the office
 network technology known as Ethernet, wrote in his column
 in the industry weekly Infoworld that the Internet was in
 danger of a vast meltdown.  More specifically, Dr. Metcalfe
 predicted what he called a gigalapse, or one billion lost
 user hours resulting from a severed link - for instance, a
 ruptured connection between a service provider and the rest
 of the Internet, a backhoe's cutting a cable by mistake or
 the failure of a router.  The disaster would come by the
 end of 1996, he said, or he would eat his words.

 The gigalapse did not occur, and while delivering the
 keynote address at an industry conference in 1997, Dr.
 Metcalfe literally ate his column. "I reached under the
 podium and pulled out a blender, poured a glass of water,
 and blended it with the column, poured it into a bowl and
 ate it with a spoon," he recalled recently.

 The failure of Dr. Metcalfe's prediction apparently stemmed
 from the success of the Net's basic architecture.  It was
 designed as a distributed network rather than a centralized
 one, with data taking any number of different paths to its

 That deceptively simple principle has, time and again,
 saved the network from failure.  When a communications line
 important to the network's operation goes down, as one did
 last summer when a freight-train fire in Baltimore damaged
 a fiber-optic loop, data works its way around the trouble.
 It took a far greater crisis to make the Internet's
 vulnerabilities clearer.

 On Sept. 11, within minutes of the terrorist attacks on the
 World Trade Center, the question was not whether the
 Internet could handle the sudden wave of traffic, but
 whether the servers - the computers that deliver content
 to anyone who requests it by clicking on a Web link - were
 up to the task.

 Executives at CNN.com were among the first to notice the
 Internet's true Achilles' heel: the communications link to
 individual sites that become deluged with traffic.  CNN.com
 fixed the problem within a few hours by adding server
 capacity and moving some of its content to servers operated
 by Akamai, a company providing distributed network service.
 Mr. Bradner said that most large companies have active
 mirror sites to allow quick downloading of the information
 on their servers.  And as with so many things about the Net,
 responsibility lies with the service provider.

 "Whether it's CNN.com or nytimes.com or anyone offering
 services, they have to design their service to be reliable,"
 he said. "This can never be centralized."

 Guidelines can help. Mr. Bradner belongs to a Federal
 Communications Commission advisory group called the Network
 Reliability and Operability Council, which just published
 a set of recommended practices for service providers,
 including advice on redundant servers, backup generators
 and reliable power.  "Still, there are no requirements,"
 Mr. Bradner said.  If the government is not running things,
 exactly, at least it is taking a close look.

 Dr. Partridge of BBN Technologies recently served on a
 National Research Council committee that published a report
 on the Internet.  One of the group's main concerns was
 supplying households with high-speed Internet service,
 known as broadband.

 Some 10.7 million of the nation's households now have such
 access, or about 16 percent of all households online,
 according to the Yankee Group, a research firm.

 Only when full high-speed access is established nationwide,
 Mr. Partridge and others say, will the Internet and its
 multimedia component, the Web, enter the next phase of
 their evolution.

 "We need to make it a normal thing that everyone has high-
 speed bandwidth," said Brian Carpenter, an engineer at
 I.B.M. (news/quote) and chairman of the Internet Society,
 a nonprofit group that coordinates Internet-related
 projects around the world.

 Yet there is no central coordination of broadband
 deployment.  Where, when and how much access is available
 is up to the individual provider - typically, the phone or
 cable company.  As a result, availability varies widely.
 Control falls to the marketplace.  And in light of recent
 bankruptcies and mergers among providers, like Excite@Home's
 failure and AT?T (news/quote) Broadband's sale to Comcast
 (news/quote) late last year, universal broadband deployment
 may be moving further into the future.

 The one prominent element of centralized management in
 Internet operations - the assignment of addresses and top
 domain names, like .com or .edu - reflects the tricky
 politics of what is essentially a libertarian arena.
 That is the task of the Internet Corporation for Assigned
 Names and Numbers, or Icann, which operates under the
 auspices of the Commerce Department.  Its efforts to
 establish an open decision-making process became mired in
 disputes over who the Internet's stakeholders actually were.

 And even as Icann and its authorized registrars take over
 administration of the Internet's naming system, a different
 problem nags at computer scientists: the finite number of
 underlying I.P. addresses.

 In the current version of Internet Protocol, the software
 for the routers that direct Internet traffic, there is a
 theoretical limit of four billion addresses.  Some 25
 percent are already spoken for.

 The solution, Mr. Carpenter said, is bigger addresses.
 "This means rolling out a whole new version of I.P.,"
 he said.  Although the assignment of I.P. addresses
 falls to Icann, inventing a new protocol is essentially
 a research problem that falls to the Internet
 Engineering Task Force.

 As the Internet continues to grow and sprawl, security is
 also a nagging concern. The Internet was not built to be
 secure in the first place: its openness is its core
 strength and its most conspicuous weakness.

 "Security is hard - not only for the designers, to make
 sure a system is secure, but for users, because it gets
 in the way of making things easy," Mr. Bradner said.

 There is no centralized or even far-flung security
 management for the Internet.  The Computer Emergency
 Response Team at Carnegie Mellon University is mainly a
 voluntary clearinghouse for information about security
 problems in Internet software.

 The lack of a central security mechanism "is a mixed bag,"
 Mr. Bradner said.  A centralized system that could
 authenticate the origin of all traffic would be useful in
 tracing the source of an attack, he said.

 That is where a delicate balance must be struck: between
 the ability to trace traffic and the desire to protect an
 individual's privacy or a corporation's data.  "It's not
 at all clear that there's a centralizable role, or that
 there's a role government could play without posing a
 severe threat to individuals," Mr. Bradner said.

 Past plans for identity verification have failed because
 of the complexity of making them work on a global scale,
 he said.

 Such are the challenges that face the Internet as it
 continues its march.  "The really interesting question to
 ask is whether we can build a next generation of
 applications," Mr. Carpenter said.  "Can we move from what
 we have now, which is an information source, to a network
 that's really an information utility, used for entertain-
 ment, education and commercial activities?  There's
 tremendous potential here, but we've got a lot of work
 to do."

 As that work progresses, another question centers on what
 role the government should play.  Many carriers who bear
 the cost of expanding the infrastructure favor federal
 incentives for carriers to invest in new broadband
 technology.  The Federal Communications Commission is also
 mulling policy changes, soliciting suggestions from the
 communications industry for making broadband access more
 widely available.

 Dr. Metcalfe predicts that the next big step is what he
 calls the video Internet.  "We're done with just voice and
 text," he said. "No one is quite sure what the killer app
 will be, but we want to see stuff move, and we want it to
 be better than television."

 Despite his joke about eating his words, Dr. Metcalfe said
 he was unrepentant about his forecast of a gigalapse.
 "There's a gigalapse in our future," he said. "The Net's
 getting bigger all the time and there are basic fragilities."
 Since there is no formal tracking mechanism for connection
 failures, he argues, his gigalapse may very well have
 happened already without anyone noticing.

 "I'm sure there are outages every day, but because of the
 Internet's robust nature they are generally not noticed,"
 he said. "We do control-alt-delete and chant, and eventually
 the connection comes back."  Indeed it does.

Subj:     What, Exactly, Is The Internet? (S57)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #57 on 98-03-04
Drawing from Pryds.com

 This silly question-answer joke is soo long it needs
 its own file.  Click 'HERE' to read it.

Subj:     Cybersex (S31)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-15

 Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately
 known as cybersex".  Often the fantasies typed into keyboards
 and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
 However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers
 in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem
 to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does.

 Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

 Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
 high heels.  I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.  My
 measurements are 36-24-36.  What do you look like?

 Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.  I wear glasses and
 I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.
 I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce
 on it from dinner.  It smells funny.

 Sweetheart: I want you.  Would you like to screw me?

 Wellhung: OK

 Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing
 on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.  I'm
 looking up into your eyes, smiling.  My hand works its way
 down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling

 Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

 Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

 Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.  My hands are trembling.

 Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

 Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

 Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.  The cool silk
 slides off my warm skin.  I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling
 and rubbing.

 Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally
 rips a hole in your blouse.  I'm sorry.

 Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

 Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

 Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.  I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
 My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and

 Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.  I think it's
 stuck.  Do you have any scissors?

 Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.  I'm reaching
 back undoing the clasp.  The bra slides off my body.  The air
 caresses my breasts.  My nipples are erect for you.

 Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
 inspecting the clasp.

 Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel
 your tongue all over me.

 Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra.  Now I'm licking your, you
 know, breasts. They're neat!

 Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.  Now I'm
 nibbling your ear.

 Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit
 and phlegm.

 Sweetheart: What?

 Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

 Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the
 remains of my blouse.

 Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.  I
 drop it with a plop.

 Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing
 your hard tool.

 Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold!

 Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

 Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties.  My tongue is going
 all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

 Sweetheart: What's the matter?

 Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

 Sweetheart: Are you OK?

 Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

 Sweetheart: Can I help?

 Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.  I'm
 fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.  Where do
 you keep your cups?

 Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

 Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

 Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

 Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

 Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

 Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
 cabinet.  And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.  Wait, it
 is dark, I'm lost.  Where's the bedroom?

 Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

 Wellhung: I found it.

 Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants.  I'm moaning.  I want
 you so badly.

 Wellhung: Me too.

 Sweetheart: Your pants are off.  I kiss you passionately-our
 naked bodies pressing each other.

 Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.
 It hurts.

 Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

 Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.  I
 place the glasses on the night table.

 Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed.  Give it to me, baby!

 Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across
 the room and toward the bathroom.

 Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

 Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark.  I'm feeling
 around for the toilet.  I lift the lid.

 Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

 Wellhung: I'm done going.  I'm feeling around for the flush
 handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

 Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

 Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry
 hamper.  Sorry again.  I'm walking back to the bedroom now,
 blindly feeling my way.

 Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

 Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...
 in your...you know...woman's thing.

 Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

 Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
 I kiss your neck.  Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

 Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning.  I
 can't stand it another second! Slide in!  Screw me now!

 Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

 Sweetheart: What?

 Wellhung: I'm limp.  I can't sustain an erection.

 Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an
 incredulous look on my face.

 Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my
 weiner all floppy.  I'm going to get my glasses and see
 what's wrong.

 Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed.  I'm
 putting on my underwear.  Now I'm putting on my wet nasty

 Wellhung: No wait!  Now I'm squinting, trying to find the
 night table.  I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over
 cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

 Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.  Now I'm putting on
 my shoes.

 Wellhung: I've found my glasses.  I'm putting them on.
 My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain.  The
 curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look
 on my face.

 Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

 Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

 Sweetheart: ?logged off>

Subj:     Cybersex II (S102)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas
    to have "cybersex."  What exactly is that?
 A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages
    to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster
    and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and
    hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they
    suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky
    keyboard, if you get my drift.

 Q. That's disgusting!
 A. Yes.

 Q. Could you give an example?
 A. Certainly:

 Born2Bone: I want you NOW
 HuniBunni: I want YOU now
 Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
 HuniBunni: Yes!  YES!
 Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
 HuniBunni: OH YESSSS


 HuniBunni: Is something wrong?
 Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
 HuniBunni: I'll do it
 Born2Bone: Thanks.  Oh my god!  I'm touching your, umm, your...
 HuniBunni: Copious bosoms?
 Born2Bone: Yes!  Your copious bosoms!  I'm touching them!
 HunniBunni: YES!
 Born2Bone: Both of them!
 HuniBunni: YESSS!!
 Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
 HuniBunni: You already did.
 Born2Bone: Oh, OK.  You're naked!  I'm touching your
            entire nakedness!
 HuniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
 Wazotyman: Anybody here from Texas?
 Born2Bone: No
 HuniBunni: No
 Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
 Wazotyman: Hey, thanks
 HuniBunni: Not you
            STALLION, AND I A THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
 HuniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
            YOUR ... YOUR ...
 HuniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
 Born2Bone: Yes
 HuniBunni: My passion persimmon
 Born2Bone: Ha ha!
 HuniBunni: You promised!
 Born2Bone: Sorry.  OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE
 HuniBunni: YES!  YES!  YES!
            YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
 Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
 HuniBunni: Like what?
 HuniBunni: What did you say?
 Born2Bone: Whoops
 HuniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
 Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
 HuniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al?  ISN'T IT??   YOU BASTARD!!!
 Born2Bone: Tipper?
 HuniBunni.- Whoops

Subj:     Amazing New Technology! (S474a)
          From: auntiegah on 2/9/2006

 This is so amazing, I can only wonder what the future will
 bring.  To see this 'New Technology, click 'HERE'.

Subj:     You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When:
          From: Octagon999 on 98-01-22

  1.  You take a vacation, but only after
      buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
  2.  You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on
      your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
  3.  You find yourself typing "com" after every period
      when using a word processor.com
  4.  You turn on your intercom when leaving the room
      so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  5.  All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  6.  You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
  7.  You check your mail.  It says "no new messages."
      So you check it again.
  8.  You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and
      stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  9.  You move into a new house and decide to
      Netscape before you landscape.
 10.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

From: spyda on 8/1/2001 (S235)

 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
 You step out of your room and realize that your parents
    have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it
 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
 Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
 You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
    like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
 You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".
 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time
    you see a new WWW site address on TV.
 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you
    can hear if new e-mail arrives.
 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor
    to remind you of what she looks like.
 All of your friends have an @ in their names.
 When looking at a web page full of someone else's links,
    you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
 Your dog has its own home page.
 You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
 You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you;
    check it again.
 You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor
    the URL.
 You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
    because they have neutral nicknames and you never
    bothered to ask.
 Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for
    2 months.
 You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
    check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
 You tell the kids they can't use the computer because
    "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you
    don't have a job.
 Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
 You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed
    with Ie5.0 or higher."
 The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.**
 You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
    chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
 Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...
    so you buy another computer and install a second phone
    line so the two of you can chat.
 As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
    road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Subj:     Barcode Evolution (S1073)
          From: Larry Lemas on 8/2/2017
 Source: https://www.spreadshirt.de/image-server/v1/mp/designs/
Subj:     "How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program" (S53)
          by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16

 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little
 printed box that explains what kind of computer system you
 need to run the software. It should look something like this:
 3546 MB RAM
 432323 MB ROM
 05948737 MB RPM
 NOTE; this software will not work on your computer.

 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.  This
 will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating,
 and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of
 either a 3.5 floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a
 sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:
 By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide
 by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement
 that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention
 and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the
 Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms
 and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
 shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to
 come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive,
 as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it,
 take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation
 indivisible, by the dawn's early light,. . . finders keepers,
 losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crown, and don't
 forget to tip your servers.

 4. Hand the software to a child ages 3 through 12 and say,
 "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software
 in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the enter key.

 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while,
 after which the following message should appear on your
 screen: The Installation program will now examine your system
 to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.
 Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
 +--------+ +--------+
    YES        SURE
 +--------+ +--------+

 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
 whirring for a very long time, while the installation program
 does who knows what in there.  Some installation programs can
 actually alter molecular structures, so that, when they're
 done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
 device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the
 installation program will create many new directories, sub-
 directories, sub-sub-directories on your had drive and fill
 them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
 "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen
 should display the following message:
 The installation program cannot think of anything else to do
 to your computer and has grown bored.  You may now attempt to
 run your software.
 If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
 shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,
 you should immediately *@!$)$%@^)$!_$*^?

 11. At this point your computer system should become less
 functional than the federal government, refusing to respond,
 even when struck with furniture.

 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed
 on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
 will explain to you in a clear, step-by- step manner, how to
 adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Subj:     The New Alphabet - Picture (S387b)
          From: mrx on 6/15/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
.                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
..........................From Smiley_Central