(Includes 16 jokes and articles, 14717n,6,cf)
Computer Arm from
All Free Original ClipArt
| Subj:
Computer2 Jokes
(Includes 16 jokes and articles, 14717n,6,cf) |
|
Computer Arm from All Free Original ClipArt |
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 |
Subj:
Internet Dating (S665b in Dating3)
From: sfo_pilot on 10/5/2009 |
This short, dirty video is cute. Click 'HERE' to see it.
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Subj: Buying
A Monkey From A Pet Shop (S272c, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/11/2002
(Also see 'Three
High Priced Parrots' in BIRDS-PARROTS)
A tourist walked into a pet shop
and was looking at the
animals on display. While he
was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a
cage at the side of the shop.
The shopkeeper took out a monkey,
fit a collar and leash.
He handed it to the customer,
and saying, "That'll be $5000."
The customer paid and walked
out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over
to the shopkeeper and said,
"That was a very expensive monkey.
Most of them are only
a few hundred dollars.
Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah,
that monkey can program in
C - very fast, tight code, no
bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey
in another cage. "
That one's even more expensive
- $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey;
it can manage object-oriented
programming, Visual C++, even
some Java. All the really
useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for
a little longer and saw a
third monkey in a cage of its
own. The price tag around
its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That
one costs more than all the
others put together! What on
earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well,
I haven't actually seen
it do anything, but it says
it's a consultant."
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Subj: Little
Boy's Father Dies (S246, S568)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/14/2001
(Also see 'The Ultimate Computer'
below)
There was a little boy who had
a very gifted mind. When he
was about 12 his dad passed
away. Like many children he
wondered from time to time whether
his dad went to heaven
or elsewhere. The question
continued to surface through-
out the years. Eventually
this gifted youngster graduated
at the head of his class at
MIT with dual BS, MS and PhD
degrees in electrical engineering
and computer science.
Subsequently, he went to work
for a firm that had the most
powerful, complex, sophisticated
computer that one could
possibly imagine. Even
with his superior intelligence, he
was amazed at what the computer
would do. It never failed
any task assigned to it.
One day during lunch hour the
question regarding his father
surfaced once again. He
thought: "Oh, what the heck!", sat
down at the console and typed
in the following question:
"Where is my father?"
After a few seconds of computing,
the computer produced a printed
report which read: "Your
father is fishing in the Bahamas."
The young man was
shocked. "This thing has
never failed me before!" he
thought. He decided to
give it another try and got the
same response. He was
totally frustrated.
Then he thought: "Wait a minute!
Computers work on logic
and I'm not asking a logical
question." He thought for
a few minutes and typed in the
following question: "Where
is my mother's husband."
After several seconds of
computing the printer produced
the following response:
"Your mother's husband died
in 1977 and went to heaven.
And your father's still fishing
in the Bahamas!".
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Subj: The
Ultimate Computer (S663)
From: dogbyte on 10/23/2001
(Also see 'Little Boy's Father Dies'
above)
The Ultimate Computer stood at
the end of the Ultimate
Computer Company's production
line, at which point the
guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward
to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate
Computer. It will
give an intelligent answer to
any question you may care
to ask it."
A smartass who ran a humor mailing
list stepped forward
and asked, "Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful
electronic gear going
to the task. Panel lights
lit and blinked, and within a
couple of seconds the laser
printer printed out a piece
of paper: "Fishing off Florida."
The smartass laughed, "Actually,
my father is dead! It
was a trick question."
The salesman, quickly thinking
on his feet, replied that
he was sorry the answer was
unsatisfactory, but as the
Ultimate Computer was precise,
perhaps a rewording of the
question might work better.
The smartass said to the Ultimate
Computer,
"Where is my mother's husband?"
Again, the hum of the powerful
electronic brain filled
the room. After a moment,
the laser printer whirred to
life. The paper said:
'Your mother's husband has been
dead for 10 years. Your
father just caught a 5 lb bass!'
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| Subj:
The Origin Of The Internet (S225, S613b)
From: RFSlick on 5/21/2001 and From: tom on 10/6/2008 |
 |
You can view this cute story
with pictures and music on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: The
Sultan's Only Son (S178)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/00
Some years ago, the Sultan of
Brunei was becoming angry as he
had 6 children, all girls, and
therefore had no son and heir.
Imagine his joy when one of
his wives finally presented him
with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday,
the Sultan took him to
one side and said, "Son, I am
very proud of you. Anything you
want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything halfway,
his father bought him
American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh
birthday, the Sultan took him to
one side. "Son, you are my pride
and joy. Anything you want, I
shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway,
his father bought him The
Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth
birthday, the Sultan took him to
one side. "Son, you bring so
much happiness into my life.
Anything you want, I shall get
for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would
like to be able to watch
cartoons."
Not wanting to do anything halfway,
his father bought him
Disney Studios and their theaters,
where he watched all his
favorite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday,
the Sultan took him to
one side. "Son, you are
an inspiration to us all. Anything
you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had really gotten
into the Disney cartoons,
replied, "Daddy, I would like
a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to do anything halfway,
his father went and bought
him Microsoft.
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Subj: If Restaurants
Functioned Like Microsoft (S130)
From: smiles on 7/28/99
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill,
and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the
problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my
soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the
fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're
using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the
fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible
with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.
Maybe it's a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me
on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything
you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered
the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered
upgrading to the latest
Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one
Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the
Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup
of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of
the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me
the tomato soup, and the check. I'm
running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with
another bowl of soup
and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, sir.
The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup
wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry
now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . .
..............$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the
Day......... $2.50
Access to support . . . . .
............. $1.00
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Subj:
What, Exactly, Is The Internet? (S57)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #57 on 98-03-04 Drawing from Pryds.com |
This silly question-answer joke
is soo long it needs
its own file. Click 'HERE'
to read it.
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Subj: The
Internet's Invisible Hand (S259b)
By KATIE HAFNER on 01/10/02
From: pns on 1/14/2002
Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/10
........./technology/circuits/10NETT.html
No one owns it. And no one in
particular actually runs it.
Yet more than half a billion
people rely on it as they do
a light switch.
The Internet is a network whose
many incarnations — as
obscure academic playpen, information
superhighway, vast
marketplace, sci-fi-inspired
matrix — have seen it through
more than three decades of ceaseless
evolution.
In the mid-1990's, a handful
of doomsayers predicted that
the Internet would melt down
under the strain of increased
volume. They proved to
be false prophets, yet now, as it
enters its 33rd year, the Net
faces other challenges.
The demands and dangers — sudden,
news- driven traffic,
security holes, and a clamor
for high-speed access to homes
— are concerns that bear no
resemblance to those that
preoccupied the Internet's creators.
For all their genius,
they failed to see what the
Net would become once it left
the confines of the university
and entered the free market.
Those perils are inextricably
linked to what experts
consider the Internet's big
promise: evolving into an
information utility as ubiquitous
and accessible as
electricity. That, too,
was not foreseen by most of the
engineers and computer scientists
who built the Net in the
1960's and 70's.
Ten years ago, at the end of
1991, the same year that the
World Wide Web was put in place
but a good two or three
years before the term Web browser
became part of everyday
speech, the Net was home to
some 727,000 hosts, or
computers with unique Internet
Protocol, or I.P., addresses.
By the end of 2001, that number
had soared to 175 million,
according to estimates by Matrix
Net Systems, a network
measurement business in Austin,
Tex.
For all that growth, the Net
operates with surprisingly few
hiccups, 24 hours a day — and
with few visible signs of who
is responsible for keeping it
that way. There are no vans
with Internet Inc. logos at
the roadside, no workers in
Cyberspace hard hats hovering
over manholes.
Such is yet another of the Internet's
glorious mysteries.
No one really owns the Net,
which, as most people know by
now, is actually a sprawling
collection of networks owned
by various telecommunications
carriers. The largest,
known as backbone providers,
include WorldCom (news/quote),
Verizon, Sprint and Cable ?
Wireless (news/quote) USA.
What, then, is the future of
this vital public utility?
Who determines it? And
who is charged with carrying it out?
For the Internet's first 25 years,
the United States
government ran parts of it,
financed network research and
in some cases paid companies
to build custom equipment to
run the network. But in
the mid-1990's the Net became a
commercial enterprise, and its
operation was transferred
to private carriers. In
the process, most of the govern-
ment's control evaporated.
Now the network depends on the
cooperation and mutual
interests of the telecommunications
companies. Those so-
called backbone providers adhere
to what are known as
peering arrangements, which
are essentially agreements to
exchange traffic at no charge.
"Peering fits right in with the
overly loose way the
Internet is provided," said
Scott Bradner, a senior
technical consultant at Harvard
University, "which is
unrelated commercial interests
doing their own thing." Mr.
Bradner, co-director of the
Internet Engineering Task
Force, an international self-organized
group of network
designers, operators and researchers
who have set
technical standards for the
Internet since the late 1980's,
said that peering remains a
remarkably robust mechanism.
And for now, capacity is not
a particularly pressing
problem because the backbone
providers have been laying
high-speed lines at prodigious
rates over the last few
years.
"We've got a lot of long-distance
fiber in the ground, a
lot of which isn't being used,
but it's available," said
Craig Partridge, a chief scientist
at BBN Technologies,
an engineering company that
oversaw the building of the
first network switches in the
late 1960's and is now owned
by Verizon.
Still, the fear that the Net
is not up to its unforeseen
role still gnaws at prognosticators.
Consider the
gigalapse prediction.
In December 1995, Robert Metcalfe,
who invented the office
network technology known as
Ethernet, wrote in his column
in the industry weekly Infoworld
that the Internet was in
danger of a vast meltdown.
More specifically, Dr. Metcalfe
predicted what he called a gigalapse,
or one billion lost
user hours resulting from a
severed link — for instance, a
ruptured connection between
a service provider and the rest
of the Internet, a backhoe's
cutting a cable by mistake or
the failure of a router.
The disaster would come by the
end of 1996, he said, or he
would eat his words.
The gigalapse did not occur,
and while delivering the
keynote address at an industry
conference in 1997, Dr.
Metcalfe literally ate his column.
"I reached under the
podium and pulled out a blender,
poured a glass of water,
and blended it with the column,
poured it into a bowl and
ate it with a spoon," he recalled
recently.
The failure of Dr. Metcalfe's
prediction apparently stemmed
from the success of the Net's
basic architecture. It was
designed as a distributed network
rather than a centralized
one, with data taking any number
of different paths to its
destination.
That deceptively simple principle
has, time and again,
saved the network from failure.
When a communications line
important to the network's operation
goes down, as one did
last summer when a freight-train
fire in Baltimore damaged
a fiber-optic loop, data works
its way around the trouble.
It took a far greater crisis
to make the Internet's
vulnerabilities clearer.
On Sept. 11, within minutes of
the terrorist attacks on the
World Trade Center, the question
was not whether the
Internet could handle the sudden
wave of traffic, but
whether the servers — the computers
that deliver content
to anyone who requests it by
clicking on a Web link — were
up to the task.
Executives at CNN.com were among
the first to notice the
Internet's true Achilles' heel:
the communications link to
individual sites that become
deluged with traffic. CNN.com
fixed the problem within a few
hours by adding server
capacity and moving some of
its content to servers operated
by Akamai, a company providing
distributed network service.
Mr. Bradner said that most large
companies have active
mirror sites to allow quick
downloading of the information
on their servers. And
as with so many things about the Net,
responsibility lies with the
service provider.
"Whether it's CNN.com or nytimes.com
or anyone offering
services, they have to design
their service to be reliable,"
he said. "This can never be
centralized."
Guidelines can help. Mr. Bradner
belongs to a Federal
Communications Commission advisory
group called the Network
Reliability and Operability
Council, which just published
a set of recommended practices
for service providers,
including advice on redundant
servers, backup generators
and reliable power. "Still,
there are no requirements,"
Mr. Bradner said. If the
government is not running things,
exactly, at least it is taking
a close look.
Dr. Partridge of BBN Technologies
recently served on a
National Research Council committee
that published a report
on the Internet. One of
the group's main concerns was
supplying households with high-speed
Internet service,
known as broadband.
Some 10.7 million of the nation's
households now have such
access, or about 16 percent
of all households online,
according to the Yankee Group,
a research firm.
Only when full high-speed access
is established nationwide,
Mr. Partridge and others say,
will the Internet and its
multimedia component, the Web,
enter the next phase of
their evolution.
"We need to make it a normal
thing that everyone has high-
speed bandwidth," said Brian
Carpenter, an engineer at
I.B.M. (news/quote) and chairman
of the Internet Society,
a nonprofit group that coordinates
Internet-related
projects around the world.
Yet there is no central coordination
of broadband
deployment. Where, when
and how much access is available
is up to the individual provider
— typically, the phone or
cable company. As a result,
availability varies widely.
Control falls to the marketplace.
And in light of recent
bankruptcies and mergers among
providers, like Excite@Home's
failure and AT?T (news/quote)
Broadband's sale to Comcast
(news/quote) late last year,
universal broadband deployment
may be moving further into the
future.
The one prominent element of
centralized management in
Internet operations — the assignment
of addresses and top
domain names, like .com or .edu
— reflects the tricky
politics of what is essentially
a libertarian arena.
That is the task of the Internet
Corporation for Assigned
Names and Numbers, or Icann,
which operates under the
auspices of the Commerce Department.
Its efforts to
establish an open decision-making
process became mired in
disputes over who the Internet's
stakeholders actually were.
And even as Icann and its authorized
registrars take over
administration of the Internet's
naming system, a different
problem nags at computer scientists:
the finite number of
underlying I.P. addresses.
In the current version of Internet
Protocol, the software
for the routers that direct
Internet traffic, there is a
theoretical limit of four billion
addresses. Some 25
percent are already spoken for.
The solution, Mr. Carpenter said,
is bigger addresses.
"This means rolling out a whole
new version of I.P.,"
he said. Although the
assignment of I.P. addresses
falls to Icann, inventing a
new protocol is essentially
a research problem that falls
to the Internet
Engineering Task Force.
As the Internet continues to
grow and sprawl, security is
also a nagging concern. The
Internet was not built to be
secure in the first place: its
openness is its core
strength and its most conspicuous
weakness.
"Security is hard — not only
for the designers, to make
sure a system is secure, but
for users, because it gets
in the way of making things
easy," Mr. Bradner said.
There is no centralized or even
far-flung security
management for the Internet.
The Computer Emergency
Response Team at Carnegie Mellon
University is mainly a
voluntary clearinghouse for
information about security
problems in Internet software.
The lack of a central security
mechanism "is a mixed bag,"
Mr. Bradner said. A centralized
system that could
authenticate the origin of all
traffic would be useful in
tracing the source of an attack,
he said.
That is where a delicate balance
must be struck: between
the ability to trace traffic
and the desire to protect an
individual's privacy or a corporation's
data. "It's not
at all clear that there's a
centralizable role, or that
there's a role government could
play without posing a
severe threat to individuals,"
Mr. Bradner said.
Past plans for identity verification
have failed because
of the complexity of making
them work on a global scale,
he said.
Such are the challenges that
face the Internet as it
continues its march. "The
really interesting question to
ask is whether we can build
a next generation of
applications," Mr. Carpenter
said. "Can we move from what
we have now, which is an information
source, to a network
that's really an information
utility, used for entertain-
ment, education and commercial
activities? There's
tremendous potential here, but
we've got a lot of work
to do."
As that work progresses, another
question centers on what
role the government should play.
Many carriers who bear
the cost of expanding the infrastructure
favor federal
incentives for carriers to invest
in new broadband
technology. The Federal
Communications Commission is also
mulling policy changes, soliciting
suggestions from the
communications industry for
making broadband access more
widely available.
Dr. Metcalfe predicts that the
next big step is what he
calls the video Internet.
"We're done with just voice and
text," he said. "No one is quite
sure what the killer app
will be, but we want to see
stuff move, and we want it to
be better than television."
Despite his joke about eating
his words, Dr. Metcalfe said
he was unrepentant about his
forecast of a gigalapse.
"There's a gigalapse in our
future," he said. "The Net's
getting bigger all the time
and there are basic fragilities."
Since there is no formal tracking
mechanism for connection
failures, he argues, his gigalapse
may very well have
happened already without anyone
noticing.
"I'm sure there are outages every
day, but because of the
Internet's robust nature they
are generally not noticed,"
he said. "We do control-alt-delete
and chant, and eventually
the connection comes back."
Indeed it does.
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Subj: SCSI
Drive Instructions
humorlist-digest V2 #51 on 98-02-22
I once unpacked a SCSI drive
shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana,
and it arrived with this article
in the packaging. No kidding!
------------------------------------------------------------------
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE
USING YOUR NEW DEVICE Congrat-
ulations! You have purchased
an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of
years of trouble-free service,
except that you undoubtedly
will destroy it via some typical
bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY
BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND
PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT
ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS,
AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME
CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE
RECORDER AND SET IT ON
"FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO
IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST
BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT
THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM
OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little
crazy sometimes because
we're always getting back "defective"
merchandise where it
turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device
in acid for six days.
So, in writing these instructions,
we naturally tend to assume
that your skull is filled with
dead insects, but we mean nothing
by it. OK? Now let's talk
about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device
is encased in foam to
protect it from
the Shipping People, who like nothing more
than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY
FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH
SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE
WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring
back, because it is her only
proof of engagement, and her
fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the
whole thing, in as much as he
had consumed most of a bottle
of Jim Beam in Quality Control
when he decided to pop the question.
It is not without irony
that Ida Mae's last name is
"Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG
AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX
OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM,
EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED
LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the
device to the store, and you are
missing one single peanut, the
store personnel will laugh in
the chilling manner exhibited
by Joseph Stalin just after he
enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets
of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing
four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
* Two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar
prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix
wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:
You IMMEDIATELY should turn
to your spouse and say "Margaret,
you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all
the way through the drive-through at
Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul? Because
nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your
spouse's name is Margaret. And
not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents
the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation
Group, which, in a continuing
effort to prevent consumers
from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-
Pronged Plug, then the Plug
Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
Whose Prongs Consist of Six
Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near
an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly
with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING
THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD
A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER
HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND
POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD
VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY
THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS
OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE
TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELT-
WATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE,
WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO
JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF"SHOGUN"
ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS:
For results that can be the
finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons
two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the(something) earth
section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If
this is not a trouble, such rotation
is a very maintenance action,
as a kindly (something) wirepoint
from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY:
Be it hereby known that this
device, together with but not
excluding all those certain
parts thereunto, shall be
warrantied against all defects,
failures and malfunctions as
shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon shortly before
2, during which time the Manufacturer
will, at no charge to
the Owner, send the device to
our Service People, who will
emerge from their caves and
engage in rituals designed to
cleanse it of evil spirits.
This warranty does not cover
the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION
OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
FELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
\\\//
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Subj: Technology
Advances But People Stay The Same (S408)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/11/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200409/037.htm
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Online computer users often engage
in what is affectionately
known as cybersex". Often
the fantasies typed into keyboards
and shared through Internet
phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll see below,
one of the two cyber-surfers
in the following transcript
of an online chat doesn't seem
to quite get the point of cyber
sex. Then again, maybe he does.
..
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red
silk blouse, a miniskirt and
high heels. I work out
every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about
250 pounds. I wear glasses and
I have on a pair of blue sweat
pants I just bought from Walmart.
I'm also wearing a T-shirt with
a few spots of barbecue sauce
on it from dinner. It
smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.
There's soft music playing
on the stereo and candles on
my dresser and night table. I'm
looking up into your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way
down to your crotch and begins
to fondle your huge, swelling
bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head
back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.
I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling
and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks
spastically and accidentally
rips a hole in your blouse.
I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about
it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and
falling, as I breath harder and
harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the
clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any
scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand
and kiss it softly. I'm reaching
back undoing the clasp.
The bra slides off my body. The air
caresses my breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that?
I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back.
Oh baby. I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra.
Now I'm licking your, you
know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers
through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze.
Your breasts are covered with spit
and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm
off my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping
wet blouse from you. I
drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your
sweat pants down and rubbing
your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like
a woman. Your hands are cold!
Yeeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your
panties. My tongue is going
all over, in and out nibbling
on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the
kitchen, choking wildly. I'm
fumbling through the cabinets,
looking for a cup. Where do
you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup.
Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking
back to the bedroom. Wait, it
is dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your
pants. I'm moaning. I want
you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off.
I kiss you passionately-our
naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing
my glasses into my face.
It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see
very well without them. I
place the glasses on the night
table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm
fumbling my way blindly across
the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom
and it's dark. I'm feeling
around for the toilet.
I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going.
I'm feeling around for the flush
handle, but I can't find it.
Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that
I've peed into your laundry
hamper. Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now,
blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to
put my...you know ...thing...
in your...you know...woman's
thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth
butt. It feels so nice.
I kiss your neck. Umm,
I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass
back and forth, moaning. I
can't stand it another second!
Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and
turning around; an
incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with
a sad look on my face, my
weiner all floppy. I'm
going to get my glasses and see
what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm
getting dressed. I'm
putting on my underwear.
Now I'm putting on my wet nasty
blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now
I'm squinting, trying to find the
night table. I'm feeling
along the dresser, knocking over
cans of hair spray, picture
frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my
blouse. Now I'm putting on
my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses.
I'm putting them on.
My God! One of our candles fell
on the curtain. The
curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look
on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: ?logged off>
\\\//
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Subj: Cybersex
II (S102)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
Q. I've heard that people sometimes
use Internet chat areas
to have "cybersex."
What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send
explicitly steamy messages
to each other,
back and forth, back and forth, faster
and faster, hotter
and hotter, faster and faster and
hotter and harder
and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they
suddenly find that
they have a bad case of sticky
keyboard, if you
get my drift.
Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.
Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly:
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HuniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off
your clothes
HuniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your
clothes
HuniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HuniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your
brassiere
HuniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh
my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
HuniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious
bosoms! I'm touching them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HuniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your
panties!
HuniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're
naked! I'm touching your
entire nakedness!
HuniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazotyman: Anybody here from
Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HuniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid
in my manfulness!
HuniBunni: YES! YES YOU
ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL!
YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazotyman: Hey, thanks
HuniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION!
I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL
STALLION, AND I A THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HuniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING
MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO
YOUR ... YOUR ...
HuniBunni: Promise you won't
laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HuniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HuniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK,
here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE
KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
HuniBunni: YES! YES!
YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS
SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HuniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL,
BORN2BONE!! I FEEL
YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE
...
HuniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE,
OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HuniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!!
TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH GOD IT FEELS LIKE...
IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A
TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HuniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HuniBunni: It feels like when
you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what
I meant was ...
HuniBunni: This is you, isn't
it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU BASTARD!!!
YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS
AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HuniBunni.- Whoops
\\\//
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| Subj:
Amazing New Technology! (S474a)
From: auntiegah on 2/9/2006 |
 |
This is so amazing, I can only
wonder what the future will
bring. To see this 'New
Technology, click 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: You
Know You're Addicted To The Internet When:
From: Octagon999 on 98-01-22
1. You take a vacation,
but only after
buying
a cellular modem and a laptop.
2. You spend half of
the plane trip with your laptop on
your
lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
3. You find yourself
typing "com" after every period
when
using a word processor.com
4. You turn on your intercom
when leaving the room
so
you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
5. All of your friends
have an @ in their names.
6. You can't call your
mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
7. You check your mail.
It says "no new messages."
So
you check it again.
8. You wake up at 3 a.m.
to go to the bathroom and
stop
and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You move into a new
house and decide to
Netscape
before you landscape.
10. You start tilting
your head sideways to smile.
From: spyda on 8/1/2001 (S235)
You refer to going to the bathroom
as downloading.
You step out of your room and
realize that your parents
have moved and
you don't have a clue as to when it
happened.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes
to go from top to bottom.
Your nightmares are in HTML
and GIFS.
You turn off your modem and
get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled
the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself
as "Jim at net dot com".
Your heart races faster and
beats irregularly each time
you see a new WWW
site address on TV.
You turn on your intercom when
leaving the room so you
can hear if new
e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig
over your monitor
to remind you of
what she looks like.
All of your friends have an
@ in their names.
When looking at a web page full
of someone else's links,
you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...
She doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says
"no new messages." So you;
check it again.
You write your homework in HTML
and give your instructor
the URL.
You don't know the sex of three
of your closest friends,
because they have
neutral nicknames and you never
bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you that
he has had the beard for
2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go
to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail
on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't
use the computer because
"Daddy's got work
to do" -- even though you
don't have a job.
Your wife makes a new rule:
"The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tattoo that says "This
body best viewed
with Ie5.0 or higher."
The last girl you picked up
was only a GIF.**
You ask a plumber how much it
would cost to replace the
chair in front
of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication
is important in a marriage...
so you buy another
computer and install a second phone
line so the two
of you can chat.
As your car crashes through
the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first
instinct is to search for the "back" button.
\\\//
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Subj: "How
To Install Software - A 12-Step Program" (S53)
by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16
1. Examine the software packaging
until you find a little
printed box that explains what
kind of computer system you
need to run the software. It
should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE; this software will not
work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging
and remove the manual. This
will contain detailed instructions
on installing, operating,
and trouble-shooting the software.
Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software,
which should be in the form of
either a 3.5 floppy diskette
or a CD-ROM, located inside a
sealed envelope that says: LICENSING
AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user
hereinafter agrees to abide
by all the terms and conditions
of the following agreement
that nobody ever reads, as well
as the Geneva Convention
and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the
Benevolent Protective Order
of the Elks and such other terms
and conditions, real and imaginary,
as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate,
including the right to
come to the user's home and
examine the user's hard drive,
as well as the user's underwear
drawer if we feel like it,
take it or leave it, until death
do us part, one nation
indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,. . . finders keepers,
losers weepers, thanks you've
been a great crown, and don't
forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child
ages 3 through 12 and say,
"(Name of child), please install
this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3
through 12, insert the software
in the appropriate drive, type
"SETUP" and press the enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and
whirring noises for a while,
after which the following message
should appear on your
screen: The Installation program
will now examine your system
to see what would be the best
way to render it inoperable.
Is it OK with you? Choose one,
and be honest:
+--------+ +--------+
YES
SURE
+--------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection,
you will hear grinding and
whirring for a very long time,
while the installation program
does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can
actually alter molecular structures,
so that, when they're
done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the
installation program will create
many new directories, sub-
directories, sub-sub-directories
on your had drive and fill
them with thousands of mysterious
files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and
"doo.wha."
10. When the installation program
is finished, your screen
should display the following
message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot
think of anything else to do
to your computer and has grown
bored. You may now attempt to
run your software.
If you experience any problems,
electrical shocks, insomnia,
shortness of breath, nasal discharge,
or intestinal parasites,
you should immediately *@!$)$%@^)$!_$*^?
11. At this point your computer
system should become less
functional than the federal
government, refusing to respond,
even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical
Support Hotline number listed
on the package and wait on the
line for a representative, who
will explain to you in a clear,
step-by- step manner, how to
adopt a child aged 3 through
12.
\\\//
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Subj: The
New Alphabet - Picture (S387b)
From: mrx on 6/15/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200405/022.htm
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Smiley enters data from
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