(Includes 46 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Comp-Supp
Changing Computer
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
| Subj:
Computer4 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 46 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Comp-Supp
|
|
Changing Computer from Billy'S MovinG PictureS |
============================================================Top
Subj: Connecting
To AOL (S412b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/13/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200410/007.htm
 |
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Subj: The
Importance Of Correct E-Mail Addresses (S220b)
From: KMACINTY on 2/7/2001
Moved to 'Man E-Mails His Wife' in Computers3
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Subj: Email
Fraud (S219)
From: RFSlick on 4/7/2001
(See 'Urban Legend
Exposed' & 'Cookies'
FACTS3 in NonJokes)
1. Big companies don't do business
via chain letters and
there are
no computer programs that track how many times
an e-mail
is forwarded, let alone by whom. Bill Gates is
not giving
you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a
free vacation.
There is no baby food company issuing
class action
checks.
2. Proctor and Gamble is not
part of a satanic cult or
scheme, and
its logo is not satanic.
3. MTV will not give you backstage
passes if you forward
something
to the most people.
4. The Gap is not giving away
free clothes. You can relax;
there is
no need to pass it on "just in case it's true."
5. There is no kidney theft
ring in New Orleans. No one is
waking up
in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of
a friend
swears it happened to their cousin. If you are
bent on believing
the kidney theft ring stories, see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote:
"The National Kidney Foundation has
repeatedly
issued requests for actual victims of organ
thieves to
come forward and tell their stories." None
have. That's
"none" as in "zero." Not even your
friend's
cousin.
6. Neiman Marcus doesn't really
sell a $200 cookie recipe.
And even
if they do, we all have it. And even if you
don't, you
can get a copy at:
<http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if
you make the recipe, decide the cookies are
that awesome,
feel free to pass the recipe on.
7. If the latest NASA rocket
disaster(s) DID contain
plutonium
that went to particulate over the eastern
seaboard,
do you REALLY think this information would
reach the
public via an AOL chain letter?
8. There is no "Good Times"
virus. In fact, you should
never, ever,
ever forward any email containing any
virus warning
unless you first confirm that an actual
site of an
actual company that actually deals with
viruses.
Try:
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html
And even
then, don't forward it. We don't care. And
you cannot
get a virus from a flashing IM or email,
you have
to download it.... ya know, like, a FILE!
9. There is no gang initiation
plot to murder any motorist
who flashes
headlights at another car driving at night
without lights.
10. If you still absolutely MUST
forward that 10th
generation
message from a friend, at least have the
decency to
trim the eight miles of headers showing
everyone
else who's received it over the last 6 months.
(Think Cut
and Paste) It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid
of all the
">>>.." that begin each line either. Besides,
if it has
gone around that many times we've probably
already seen
it.
11. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood,
or Sherman, etc.) in
England is
not dying of cancer or anything else at this
time and
would like everyone to stop sending him their
business
cards. He apparently is no longer a "little
boy" either.
12. The "Make a Wish" foundation
is a real organization
doing fine
work, but they have had to establish a
special toll
free hot line in response to the large
number of
Internet hoaxes using their good name and
reputation.
It is distracting them from the important
work they
do.
Also, the
American Cancer Society does not give 3 cents
for each
person you forward e-mail to. They ask for
you to donate
money, money, they don't give it, as if
they could
know how many e-mails you sent out...sheesh.
13. If you are one of those insufferable
people who forwards
anything
that "promises" something bad will happen if
you "don't",
then something bad will happen to you if I
ever meet
you in a dark alley.
14. Women really are suffering
in Afghanistan, but forwarding
an e-mail
won't help their cause in the least. If you
want to help,
contact your local legislative represent-
ative, or
get in touch with Amnesty International or the
Red Cross.
15. As a general rule, e-mail
"signatures" are easily faked
and mean
nothing to anyone with any power to do anything
about whatever
the competition is complaining about.
16. KFC really does use real
Chickens with feathers and beaks
and feet.
No, they really do. Why did they change their
name?
In this health conscious world, what was KFC's
name?
Kentucky FRIED Chicken. FRIED is not healthy. So
with the
help of a focus group, they changed the name to
KFC. It's
short, doesn't offend dieters and it's easy to
remember.
17. Another thing, just because
someone said in a message,
four generations
back, that "we checked it out and it's
legit," does
not actually make it true.
PS: There is no bill pending
before Congress that will allow
long distance
companies to charge you for using the
Internet.
Bottom Line...composing e-mail or posting
something
on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls
of a public
rest room. Don't automatically believe it
until it's
proven false... ASSUME it's false, unless
there is
proof that it's true.
Now copy, paste, and send this
to everyone you know or the
program I just put on your hard
drive while you read this
E-mail will open up your CD-ROM
and reach out and slap you
upside the head
\\\//
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Subj: Cleaning
Your Computer (S218)
From: RFSlick on 4/3/2001
When a guy's printer type began
to grow faint, he called a
local repair shop where a friendly
man informed him that the
printer probably needed only
to be cleaned. Because the store
charged $50 for such cleanings,
he told him he might be
better off reading the printer's
manual and trying the
job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor,
he asked, "Does your boss
know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea,"
the employee replied
sheepishly. "We usually make
more money on repairs if we let
people try to fix things themselves
first."
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Subj: The
Start Of The Internet (S181, S388)
From: WSelwa ob 7/19/00
(Also see 'The Origin
Of The Internet' in COMPUTER2)
A BIBLICAL STORY
An old, bearded shepherd with
a crooked staff, walks up to a
stone pulpit and says...
And, 'lo it came to pass that
the trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a
young wife by the name of Dot. And,
Dot Com was a comely woman,
broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was called Amazon
Dot Com. And, she said unto
Abraham, her husband, "Why doth
thou travel far, from town to
town, with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"
And, Abraham did look at her
as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load,
but simply said, "How, Dear?" And,
Dot replied, "I will place drums
in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying
what you have for sale and they
will reply telling you which
hath the best price. And, the
sale can be made on the drums
and delivery by Uriah's Pony
Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided
he would let Dot have her way
with the drums. And, Dot
said, "There will be a lot of
drumming in the land".
And, Abraham replied, "It is my most
fervent wish that this be so".
And, the drums rang out and were
an immediate success. Abraham
sold all the goods he had at
the top price without ever moving
from his tent. But, his
success did arouse envy. A man named
Maccabia did secret himself
inside Abraham's drum and was
accused of insider trading.
And, the young did take to Dot
Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or
NERDS for short.
And, 'lo the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums
that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the drum
maker, one Brother William of Gates,
who bought up every drum company
in the land. And, indeed did
insist on making drums that
would only work if you bought Brother
Gates' drumsticks.
And, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham,
what we have started is being
taken over by others".
And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay
of Ezekiel, or as it came to
be known as "eBay", he said, "We
need a name of a service that
reflects what we are". And, Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew
Owner Operators". "Whoopie!"
said Abraham. "Nah, YAHOO,"
replied Dot Com.
\\\//
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Subj: Signs
That You Are In The 21st Century (S169, S498b)
From: rwtmpkns on 5/22/2001
and
From: RDOBRY on 8/7/2006
I sent this list out a year
ago, but the list below is a
major improvement.
1. You just tried to enter your
password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone
numbers to reach your
family of
3.
3. You call your son's beeper
to let him know it's time
to eat.
He E-mails you back from his bedroom,
"What's for
dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl
Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a
day with a stranger from South
Africa, but
you haven't spoken with your next door
neighbor
yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients
on a can of chicken noodle
soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you
to send her a JPEG file of
your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own
driveway and use your cell
phone to
see if anyone is home.
10. You buy a computer, and
6 months later it is out of
date and
now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without
your cell phone, which you
didn't have
the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is
cause for
panic, and you turn around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead
of credit or debit, to make
a purchase
would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room
means getting the fast
food bags
out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying
in touch with family is
that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider 2nd-day air
delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is
now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized
is multicolored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes
via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line
so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the
Internet and get an awful feeling,
as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and
go on-line before getting
your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go
to the bathroom and check
your E-mail
on your way back to bed.
23. Every commercial on television
has a web-site address
at the bottom
of the screen.
24. You start tilting your head
sideways to smile. :)
25. You're reading this.
26. Even worse: you're going
to forward it to someone else.
27. You didn't give your valentine
a card this year, but
you posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
28. You are too busy to notice
there was no #9 on this list.
29. You actually scrolled back
up to check that there wasn't
a #9 on this
list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
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Subj: Computer
Gender? (S152)
From: RFSlick on 12/24/1999
(Also see 'Six
Reasons Computers Must Be Female:' in COMPUTER1)
A language instructor was explaining
to her class that French
nouns, unlike their English
counterparts, are grammatically
designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like "chalk" or
"pencil," she described, would
have a gender association
although in English, these words
were neutral. Puzzled, one
student raised his hand and
asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which
it was, and so divided the
class into two groups and asked
them to decide if a computer
should be masculine, or feminine.
One group was composed of
the women in the class, and
the other, of men. Both groups
were asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded
that computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention,
you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data,
but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help
you solve your problems, but
half the time they
ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to
one, you realize that, if you
had waited a little
longer, you could have had a better
model.
The men, on the other hand, decided
that computers should
definitely be referred to in
the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they
use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes
are stored in long-term
memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment
to one, you find
yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Subj: 13 Things
Everyone Using the Internet Should Know (S144)
From: KMacinty on 11/03/1999
1. Big companies don't do business
via chain letter. Bill
Gates is not giving you $1000,
and Disney is not giving you
a free vacation. There is no
baby food company issuing class-
action checks.
2. MTV will not give you backstage
passes if you forward
something to the most people.
You can relax; there is no
need to pass it on "just in
case it's true." Furthermore,
just because someone said in
the message, four generations
back, that "we checked it out
and it's legit," does not
actually make it true.
There is no kidney theft ring in
New Orleans. No one is
waking up in a bathtub full of ice,
even if a friend of a friend
swears it happened to their
cousin. If you are hell-bent
on believing the kidney-
theft ring stories, please see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm,
or
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm,
or
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: "The National Kidney
Foundation has repeatedly
issued requests for actual victims
of organ thieves to come
forward and tell their stories.
None have." That's "none"
as in "zero." Not even your
friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really
sell a $200 cookie recipe.
And even if they do, we all
have it. And even if you don't,
you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
4. Then, if you make the recipe,
decide the cookies are that
awesome, feel free to pass the
recipe on.
5. We all know all 500 ways to
drive your roommates crazy,
irritate coworkers, gross out
bathroom stall neighbors and
creep out people on an elevator.
We also know exactly how
many engineers, college students,
Usenet posters and people
from each and every world ethnicity
it takes to change a
light bulb.
6. If the latest NASA rocket
disaster(s) DID contain plu-
tonium that went to particulate
over the eastern seaboard,
do you REALLY think this information
would reach the public
via an AOL chain-letter?
7. There is no "Good Times" virus.
In fact, you should never,
ever, ever forward any email
containing any virus warning
unless you first confirm it
at an actual site of an actual
company that actually deals
with viruses. Try: http://www..
norton.com, and even then, don't
forward it. We don't care.
And you cannot get a virus from
a flashing IM or email, you
have to download....ya know,
like a FILE!
8. If your CC: list is regularly
longer than the actual
content of your message, you're
probably going to Hell.
9. If you're using Outlook, I.E.,
or Netscape to write email,
turn off the "HTML encoding."
Those of us on Unix shells can't
read it, and don't care enough
to save the attachment and then
view it with a web browser,
since you're probably forwarding us
a copy of the Neiman Marcus
Cookie Recipe anyway.
10. If you still absolutely MUST
forward that 10th-generation
message from a friend, at least
have the decency to trim the
eight miles of headers showing
everyone else who's received it
over the last 6 months.
It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of
all the "" (or the <)that
begin each line. Besides, if it has
gone around that many times
- we've probably already seen it.
11. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood,
or Sherman, etc.) in England
is not dying of cancer or anything
else at this time and would
like everyone to stop sending
him their business cards. He
apparently is also no longer
a "little boy" either.
12. The "Make a Wish" foundation
is a real organization doing
fine work, but they have had
to establish a special toll free
hotline in response to the large
number of Internet hoaxes using
their good name and reputation.
It is distracting them from the
important work they do.
If you are one of those insufferable
idiots who forwards anything
that promises "something bad will
happen if you don't," then something
bad will happen to you if
I ever meet you in a dark alley.
13. Women really are suffering
in Afghanistan, and PBS and NEA
funding are still vulnerable
to attack (although not at the
present time) but forwarding
an email won't help either cause
in the least. If you want
to help, contact your local legis-
lative representative, or get
in touch with Amnesty Inter-
national or the Red Cross.
As a general rule, email "signatures"
are easily faked and mean nothing
to anyone with any power
to do anything about whatever
the petition is complaining
about. (PS There is no
bill pending before Congress that will
allow long distance companies
to charge you for long distance
when using the Internet.)
Bottom Line... composing Email
or posting something on the Net
is as easy as writing on the
walls of a public restroom. Don't
automatically believe it unless
it's proven true...ASSUME it's
false, unless there is proof
that it's true. Got it? Good!
Now, COPY AND PASTE this message
to ten friends and you will
win the Publishers Clearing
House sweepstakes, get your old
boy friend back, get jumped
by that hot chick you don't have
the guts to say hi to, your
car will run fine for the next
ten years even though you're
afraid to check the oil cause you
don't want to know how bad it
is, get that credit card to make
your bad credit worse, make
that funny growth go away, and so on.
\\\//
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Subj: Computer
Prayer (S139)
From: RFSlick on 09/27/1999
Every evening
As I'm laying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head
God bless my mom and dad
And bless my little pup
And look out for my brother
When things aren't looking up
And God, there's one more thing
I wish that you could do
Hope you don't mind me asking
But please bless my computer too?
Now I know that's not normal
To bless a mother board
But just listen a second
While I explain to you 'My Lord'
You see, that little metal box
Holds more to me than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest a hundred of my 'BEST FRIENDS'
Some it's true I've never seen
And most I've never met
We've never exchanged hugs
Or shared a meal as yet....
I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
I share in what life brings them
From that our friendship grew
"PLEASE" Take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love!
\\\//
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Subj: The
Computer Prayer II (S340b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/29/2003
Our Morning Prayer . . .
Our Hard Drive
Which art internal
Volume C by name;
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and Ever,
Amen.
\\\//
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Subj: Understanding
Computer Jargon
From: ICohen on 6/29/99
When I went to college in the
1980's, I heard a lot of words
like "data input" and "beta
version." They confused me. I
wanted desperately to know what
people were talking about,
what Big Secret resided in the
computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer
company for the last few
years, I've gained an insider's
perspective. I decided to
share my knowledge with the
uninitiated by creating the
following brief, handy glossary:
Alpha.
---------
Software undergoes alpha testing
as a first step in getting
user feedback. Alpha is
Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta.
--------
Software undergoes beta testing
shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for "still doesn't
work."
Computer.
------------------
Instrument of torture.
The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a
British scientist. In a plot to
overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy
disguised himself as a German
ally and offered his invention
as a gift to the surly dictator.
The plot worked. On April
8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at
the "Incompatible File Format"
error message that he shot
himself. The war ended
soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy
began working for IBM.
CPU.
----
Central propulsion unit.
The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a hard drive,
an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that's powered by a running
rodent - a gerbil if the machine
is a old machine, a ferret if
it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed
if it's a Pentium II.
Default Directory.
------------------
Black hole. Default directory
is where all files
that you need disappear to.
Error message.
---------------
Terse, baffling remark used
by programmers
to place blame on users for
the program's shortcomings.
File.
-----
A document that has been saved
with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think of a file
as something stored in a file cabinet
except when you try to remove
the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and tells you
the file format is unknown.
Hardware.
--------
Collective term for any computer-related
object that can
be kicked or battered.
Help.
-----
What we all need. Actually,
it is the feature that assists in
generating more questions. When
the help feature is used
correctly, users are able to
navigate through a series of Help
screens and end up where they
started from without learning anything.
Input/Output.
-----------
Information is input from the
keyboard as intelligible
data and output to the printer
as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release.
----------------
A programmer's feeble attempt
at repentance.
Memory.
-----------
Of computer components, the
most generous in terms of variety,
and the skimpiest in terms of
quantity.
Printer.
-----------
A joke in poor taste.
A printer consists of three main
parts: the case, the jammed
paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers.
-----------
Computer avengers. Once
members of that group of high
school nerds who wore tape on
their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and memorized Star
Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly" software
to get revenge on whoever
gave them noogies.
Reference Manual.
-----------------
Object that raises the monitor
to eye level.
Also used to compensate for
that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date.
----------------------
A carefully calculated date
determined by
estimating the actual shipping
date and subtracting
six months from it.
User-Friendly.
--------------
Of or pertaining to any feature,
device or concept
that makes perfect sense to
a programmer.
Users.
-------
Collective term for those who
stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided into three
types: novice, intermediate and
expert.
- Novice Users. People
who are afraid that simply pressing a
key might break their computer.
- Intermediate Users.
People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users. People
who break other people's computers.
\\\//
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Subj: CS Class
(S122)
From: ossama on 5/9/99
For a computer programming class,
I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing
away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave
the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs
for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately
got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and
explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything.
By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.
"Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me
alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I
swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The
conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five
minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself
any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had
realized what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never
got more than a C- in that class.
\\\//
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Subj: Too
Much of the 90's (S118)
From: ossama on 5/4/99
1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5.) You e-mail your son in his
room to tell him that dinner
is
ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7.) You chat several times a
day with a stranger from South Africa,
but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8.) You didn't give your valentine
a card this year, but
you
posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9.) Your daughter just bought
a C.D. of all the records
your
college roommate used to play.
10.) You check the ingredients
on a can of chicken noodle soup
to
see if it contains echinacea.
11.) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12.) Your grandmother clogs up
your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send
her
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13.) You pull up in your own
driveway and use your cellphone
to
see if anyone is home
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Bill
Gates Discusses Coke (S117)
From: smiles on 4/29/99
After the recent Anti-trust hearings,
Bill Gates recently
compared the software market
with the soft drink market.
He says Microsoft is struggling
to survive but that the
beverage giant will be on top
forever because the Department
of Justice doesn't pick on them.
Of course, Bill should be
careful not to give Coke any
ideas. We might end up with a
scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big
Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest
Big Mac is far more
innovative. It's got integrated
Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple
across the street...
I'm not going to drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that.
They're seamlessly
integrated. Totally inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes
Big Mac, dunks it in a tank
of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the
consumer. Otherwise you'd
end up with two different, inconsistent
tastes. This way
you're assured of a continuous
taste across all your foods.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Y-To-K
(S116)
From: KMacinty on 4/14/99
FROM: Millenium Bug Compliance
Team of the
Management Information Systems Division and
Information Services Division
TO: All Department
Heads, Divisional Vice Presidents,
Office of the President
SUBJECT: Y-to-K Preparedness
Our staff has completed the 18
months of work on time and
on budget. We have gone
through all lines of code in all
programs in all skstems.
We have analkzed all databases,
all date files, including backups
and historic archives,
and modified all data to reflect
the change.
We are proud to report that we
have completed the "Y-to-K"
date change mission and have
now implemented all changes to
all programs and all data to
reflect the new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April,
Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November,
December as well as Sundak,
Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,
Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactorak,
because franklk, we
feel that this supposed Y-to-K
'problem' is grossly
exaggerated. We understand,
however, that it is a global
problem, and the Team is glad
to help in ank wak possible.
What does the Kear 2000 have
to do with this? More to the
point, what do kou think we
ought to do next kear when the
two digit kear rolls over from
99 to 00?
We await kour direction.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: If Error
Messages Were In Haiku (S114, S368)
From: Tom_Adams on 4/8/99
and
From: Imogenelumen on 2/12/2004
(See
'Computer
Haiku' in POETEY)
Sony has announced its own computer
operating system now
available on its hot new palmtop
PC called the Vaio. Instead
of producing the cryptic error
messages characteristic of
Microsoft's Windows 98, 95,
3.1, and DOS operating systems,
Sony's chairman Asai Tawara
said, "We intend to capture the
high ground by putting a human,
Japanese face on what has
been - until now - an operating
system that reflects Western
cultural hegemony. For example,
we have replaced the
impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with our
own Japanese haiku poetry."
In haiku poetry, each with only
17 syllables: five in the
first line, seven in the second,
five in the third.
Some examples of the new HAIKU
error messages:
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless
more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple
stone.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Technology
For Country Folk (S108, S322b)
From: auntieg on 99-02-11
and
From: christyhenning on 3/26/2003
(See
the graphics version in COMPUTERS2
file)
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha
git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:
Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya
paid fer
the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Career
Comparison (S106)
From: Tom_Adams on 99-02-03
----------------------------
---------------------------
Drug Dealers
Software Developers
----------------------------
---------------------------
Refer to their clients
Refer to their clients
as "users".
as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East
Have important South-East
Asian connections
Asian connections
(to help move the stuff).
(to help debug the code).
Strange jargon:
Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"SCSI"
"Rock"
"RTFM"
"Wrap"
"Packet"
"E"
"C"
"Stash"
"Cache"
"Drive by"
"CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (LSD)"
"Hit (WWW)"
"Source"
"Source-code"
"The Pigs"
"Microsoft"
Realize that there's
Realize that there's
tons of cash in the
tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old
14- to 25-year-old
market.
market.
Your clients really like your
Your clients really like your
stuff when it works. When it
stuff when it works. When it
doesn't work they want to kill
doesn't work they want to kill
you.
you.
Job is assisted by the
Job is assisted by the
industry producing
industry producing
newer, more potent product.
newer, more potent products.
When things go wrong, a
When things go wrong, a
"fix" is just a phone call
"fix" is just a phone call
away but may be expensive
away but may be expensive
A lot of successful people
A lot of successful people
getting rich in this industry
getting rich in this industry
while still teenagers
while still teenagers
Their product causes
DOOM. Quake. SimCity.
unhealthy addictions.
Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and
Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Computer Jokes
Top
Subj: Old
Couple Gets A Computer-Cartoon (S388b)
From: Imogenelumen on 7/2/2004
 |
Top
Subj: ID Ten
T Error (S274c, S486c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/23/2002
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/5/2006
Young Judy was having trouble
with her computer, so she
called Tony, the computer guy,
over to her desk. Tony
clicked a couple buttons and
solved the problem. As he
was walking away, Judy called
after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression came over
Judy's face. "An ID Ten
T Error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't
you ever heard of an ID
Ten T Error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
She wrote... I D 1 0 T.
Top
Subj: Growth
In Sales Of Wyse Computers (S271)
From: jerry on 4/10/2002
Why marketing people must be
forced to take math courses.
Bonehead award three.
Stephen Yeo, marketing director
at PC terminal
manufacturer Wyse, explaining
his company's growth
strategy: "We've been doubling
sales every 18 months.
However, when you start from
zero, it takes a long time."
Indeed it does. Seems like forever.
New Scientist
Top
Subj: Virtual
Keyboard (S270)
From: jerry on 3/26/2002
Want to see something that is
way cool?
A virtual keyboard was unveiled
by Siemens at the
CeBIT computer fair in Hanover,
Germany. The device,
manufactured by VKB Inc., a
company in Israel, uses
a projector to display an image
of a keyboard on a
flat surface and detects user
interaction with the
surface so, voila, you have
a virtual keyboard. It
also simulates a mouse pad.
It's perfect for mobile phones,
laptops, PDAs or even
sterile medical environments.
The article has a must-see picture.
Ananova 19-Mar-02
Top
Subj: Exploding
Computers (S261b)
From: jerry on 1/30/2002
A Wellington, New Zealand, city
councilor will probably
keep his computer behind a brick
wall when he uses it
ever since the CD ROM exploded
out of the family computer,
flying more than 6 feet (2 meters)
across the room.
"It sounded just like a .22 (rifle).
The front of the CD
drive blew out and the CD came
out after it."
Turns out that excessive vibrations
caused by minute
cracks and heat in a CD, turning
at 48x (7,200 kps) can
cause such an explosion.
The Evening Post (New Zealand)
via Stuff.co.nz 28-Jan-02
| Subj:
Technology For Country Folk II(S362b)
From: Imogenelumen on 1/3/2004 |
 |
Top
Subj: Amish
Virus (S223)
From: KMACINTY on 5/8/2001
You have just received the Amish
virus. Since we have no
electricity or computers, you
are on the honor system.
Please delete all of the files
on your hard drive.
Then forward this message to
everyone in your address book.
Thank thee.
Top
Subj: Polish
Virus (S186)
From: KMACINTY on 08/24/2000
You have just received the "Polish
Virus"!!! As we don't
have any programming experience,
this virus works on the
honor system. Please delete
all the files on your hard
drive, then manually forward
this virus to everyone on
your mailing list. Thanks
for your cooperation.
Top
Subj: Bobbit
Virus (S186)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
Have you heard there is a new
computer virus going around.
It is called the Bobbit virus.
It turns your hard drive
into a floppy drive.
Top
Subj: Other
Viruses Explained (S279b)
From: JBCARY1 on 6/2/2002
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive
with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of
an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all of the memory out
of your computer,
then emails everyone about what
it did.
RONALD REGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets
where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 100 MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the
Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer
goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM, but your
processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves,
but IT WILL BE BAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into
a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
Top
Subj: Young
Man Wanted To Be A Writer (S179)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/7/00
There was once a young man who,
in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great,
he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will
read, stuff that people will
react to on a truly emotional
level, stuff that will make
them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing
error messages.
Back in the mid to late 80's,
an IBM compatible computer
wasn't considered a hundred
percent compatible unless it
could run Microsoft's Flight
Simulator.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
The "save" icon on Microsoft
Word shows a floppy disk,
with the shutter on backwards.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings
the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would
have destroyed civilization.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-12
"A computer lets you make more
mistakes faster than any
invention in human history with
the possible exceptions
of handguns and tequila."
Mitch Ratliffe, _Technology Review_ April, 1992
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
Applying computer technology
is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct
screw.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never
have enough memory.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do
I Put it in Reverse?
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
Mental backup in progress -Do
Not Disturb!
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
On the keyboard of life, always
keep one finger on the
escape key.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
Old programmers never die. They
just terminate and
stay resident.
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09 (S218)
and From: JBCARY1 on 4/5/2001
I often wonder: What do people
mean when they say
the computer went down on me?
-- Marilyn Pittman
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
(S106)
I have a computer, a vibrator,
& pizza delivery.
Why should I leave the house?
From: RFSlick on 3/10/2001 (S215)
My girlfriend always laughs
during sex-no matter what
she's reading." -- Steve
Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
From: wselwa on 8/14/2001 (S237)
"Net boy, Net girl, send your
impulse 'round the world,
put your message in a modem,
and throw it in the cyber sea".
Virtuality - Rush
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/13/2002
(S263)
Give a man a fish and you feed
him for a day;
teach him to use the Internet
and he won't
bother you for weeks. -- Anonymous
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Smiley uses his computer from
Smiley_Central |