drinking

Subj: Drinking Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 82 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Drinking-Supp

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff Clavin is seated at the
bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. You
can read his theory on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     New Wines From Wal-mart (S421b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 2/11/2005

Wal-mart in US is going to start selling wine. Some Wal-mart
customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item:
Wal-mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain
is teaming up with E and J Gallo Winery of Modesto,California,
to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5
range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle
of Wal-mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a
market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of
marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. "The
right name is important."
So, here we go:

The top 12 suggested names for Wal-mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau Des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with
both white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

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Subj:     Difficult To Say When Drink (S305b)
          From: RFSlick on 12/3/2002

Subject: Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon,

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity, Cogito ergo sum, British Constitution, Passive-
aggressive disorder, Loquacious, Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;

Nope, I don't want another drink;

Sorry, but you're not really my type;

No kebab for me, thank you;

Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

I'm not interested in fighting you;

Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

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Subj:     Toasts (S242)
          From: RFSlick on 9/16/2001

Use these next time you are toasting a drink with friends:

Here's health to your enemies' enemies!

Here's to the women who love me terribly,
May they soon improve.

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille!

"There are many good reasons for drinking
And one just entered my head
If a man can't drink while he's living
How the hell can he drink when he's dead!"

May those who love us love us.
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

Here's to living single and drinking double!

Here's to Eve, the Mother of our race,
She wore her fig leaf in the proper place.
Here's to Adam, Father of us all,
He knew just where to be,
When the leaves began to fall . . .

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Subj:     Coming Home After Week End Binge (S233)
          From: KMACINTY on 7/17/2001

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But - being payday -
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was
confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to
him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two
or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine
with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where
he could see her a little out of the corner of his left
eye.

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Subj:     Older Lady Has Drink On Ship (S217)
          From: flovilla on 3/23/2001

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender
for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives
her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my
80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well,
since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact,
this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says,
"Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of
water." "Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would
like to buy you one too. The old women says, "Thank you.
Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of
water." "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives
her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn
how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other
issue.

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Subj:     Women's And Men's Type Based On Drinks (S145)
          From: icohen on 11/08/1999

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail
a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though
interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send
YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing
into the conversation.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get
drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.

Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way
or another.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm
scarf. Desperate to get laid.

Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and
wants to get laid.

Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will
hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker,
knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet
etc.)to weasel himself into getting laid.

Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc: He's GAY.

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Subj:     "Strange" Cuckoo Clock (134)
          From: KMacinty on 8/23/99

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with
"the boys."

I told the missus that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down
easy, and at around 3 a.m., full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuc-
kooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I
cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having
the quick wittedness -- even when smashed -- to escape a possible
conflict.

Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told
her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'dang it,'
cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times,
cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and giggled."

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Subj:     Drunk Needs A Push (S133, S357b)
          From: thebartend on 8/19/99, 12/4/2003

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat
on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's
half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and
rolls over. A louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to
answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed,
and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man
standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the
man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and
she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that
man's house to get us started again? What would have happened
if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it
would be the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the
stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:
"Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

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Subj:     Bum Asks For Two Dollars (S127)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/1/99

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to
buy booze?"

The bum says no.

The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum again says no.

Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife
can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Subj:     Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop (S109, S370b)
          From: thebartend on 99-03-04
      and From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Subj:     The Ant (S414b)
          From: JokesUncut on 1/6/2005
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/pics/ant.htm

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Subj:     Lady Prefers Sherry To Port (S76)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #172 on 98-07-1

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he
began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass
of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins
being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into
another world.

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

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Subj:     Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar (S69, S469)
          From: thebartend on 98-05-27 and 1/13/2006
          (Also see 'The Drunk Goes Home' in HANDICAPPED)

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands
up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one
more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure
enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to
crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on
his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When
he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This
time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls
right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits
the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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Subj:     Young Man Knows His Wines
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97

The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young
woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine
tasting. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985
Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district
vineyard. Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the
wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N.
Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I
ordered." As the second bottle was poured, the eonophile
tasted the wine and proclaimed, "No, no, no, this is a 1985
all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!"

An old drunk sat watching the display from the bar and
staggered over to the couple's table. He said, "Wow, that's
an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me what's
in this glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to
impress his date, the young man tasted the liquid in the
drunk's glass. "Geez, that tastes like urine!" the fellow
yelped, as he spit the mouthful out. "That's right!"
exclaimed the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

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Subj:     25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
          From: mbucher on 98-03-02

                  See
'Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work'
                in JOBS1

.
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Subj:     Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk (DU)
          From: All Female Collage! - Bawdy.Net #227 on 98-01-31

A couple of drinkin' buddies, airplane mechanics, are in the
hanger at San Francisco International; it's fogged in and
they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other,
"Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give
you a buzz."

So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only
drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them
wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up.
But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels
great - NO hangover!

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey,
how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great
too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that
jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this
more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What??"

"Did you FART yet??"

"No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

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Subj:     The Different Levels Of Drunkenness
          From: TheBartend on 97-07-12

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get
up to leave because you have work the next day and one of
your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED
friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come
on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of
sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get
up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears
on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out
with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep
(snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You
have just spent twenty minutes arguing FOR artificial turf.
And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen! "At level three, you love the world.
On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger
at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You
get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought
our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do
it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that
devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you
are thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get
three hours sleep... and a complete change of blood (snaps
fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last
call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE
artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom,
you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because
you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our
busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and
your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown
out, and one of you knows an... after hours bar. And here,
at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well... as
long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I
may as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good
for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking
like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it
work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep
tomorrow.... cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning, after unsuccessfully trying to get
your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even
know anybody named Ruby!!! "), you and your friends wind
up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been
in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind
of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn
in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch
with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all
drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something
from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches
comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna
marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and
screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part
of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were
you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight,
and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And
they look at you-and they know. And they say... "Who's
Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all
night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night,
but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flash-
light. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will
never do this again (how long?) as long as I live! "And
some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I
mean it!"

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Subj:     Hangover Ratings (S210)
          From: thebartend on 2/4/2001

1 star hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night
was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of
misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can
drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving
a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look
okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The
coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake
breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your
bowels.

3 star hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely
not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at
1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching
the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke --
yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one
big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely
don't remember who you were with, where you were, what
you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in
your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the
"Infinite Nutsmacker"

You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds
you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing
feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke
from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as
drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you
the next morning....You try to lift your head. Not an
option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only
to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair,
and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra
lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you
smoked them like it was your second full time job. You
look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
"Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...... that
explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis.
You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32
seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is
your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

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Subj:     The Official Drinking Scale
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered.
Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks
are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible
   when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate
   conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of
   crisps one by one.

5 Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-
   proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis
   problems. Agree people are same world over except for
   the bloody Tasmanians.

6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat.
   Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and
   tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her
   you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7 Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boy-
   friend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on
   five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room.
   Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room.
Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them
one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off. Send it back. Pint
   comes back tasting same. Say "thats much better". Fight
   nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten minutes
   before seeing out of order sign.

10 Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse
    at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who
    you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall
    over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice
    oozing head wound.

11 Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find
    door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in
    pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass
    out.

12 Put in minicab by somebody. Give home address. Taken
    home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given
    address of Burnley Football Club. Generally pleased at
    way evening has gone. Pass out again.

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Subj:     Quotes On Drinking - Thoughts on Beer (S41, S533b)
          From: JCary on 08/25/2000
      and From: AFine963 on 4/3/2007

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drank I
feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- by Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza. -- Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few
drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . . .

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get
wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal
lobotomy. --Tom Waits

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer: Nature's laxative.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #236 on 97-10-30
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team,
or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill

From: LABLaughsClean on 6/7/2005 (S437b - political2)
"Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is,
however, a prejudice that many people have been able to
overcome." -- Winston Churchill

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
-- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-- His reply

He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency
to thank her. -- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
-- W.C. Fields

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer. -- Dave Barry

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from
urine. -- David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer;
they just like to pee a lot. -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. -- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools. -- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober. -- William Butler Yeats

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given
us stomachs. -- David Daye

From: cohen on 98-01-28
Work is the curse of the drinking class. -- Oscar Wilde

Gin and I would like to announce our engagement
-- Mystery Science Theater quip

From: RFSlick on 99-02-05 (S106)
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding!

From: icohen on 01/21/2000
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
-- Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness
or as good as drink. -- G.K. Chesterton

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of
denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce

Alcohol may cause a few of the worlds' problems, but in the
end it solves them all. -- Homer Simpson

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:    Short Drinking Jokes

Top

Subj:     The Morning After (S462)
          From: darrell94590
          on 11/30/2005

To view this cute WMV movie on my web site click 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b in Police1)
          From: Song Wav's on 9/22/2005
          Source: http://home1.gte.net/vzeoxoju/id35.html

                          and http://new.wavlist.com/humor/001/incohol.wav

You can listen to this cute sound track by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     Out Drinking With Lady Friends (S451)
          From: darrell94590
          on 9/9/2005

To view the cute story which includes 18 pictures, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Men And Women On Wine (S207)
From: KMACINTY on 1/16/2001
Woman on Men and Wine:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something with which you'd
like to have dinner with."

Man on Women and Wine:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh,
fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-
bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."

Top
Subj:     Drinking T-Shirt
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
Saw a guy at the pharmacy with a T-shirt that said:
     One Tequila
     Two Tequila
     Three Tequila
     Floor

Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker,
especially if you're trying to get drunk.

When you're drunk the floor is your best friend
because it's always there for you.

From: Bawdy.Net #278 on 99-01-15
Would you like a gin and platonic or
would you rather have a scotch and sofa?

From: ossama on 99-01-27 (S105)
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
A man is at home with his wife. He gets up and says,
"Right, I'm off to the pub - put your coat on."

"Where are we going?" she asks.

"You're not going anywhere", he says, "I'm turning
the heating off."

From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was
my blood alcohol content.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets
it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are
mythical creatures.

From: dogbyte on 2/13/2002 (S264)
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a
drink, and then natural selection reared its ugly head.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002 (S272c)
"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told
that sorrow knows how to swim." -- Ann Landers

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Drunk Smiley from
Smiley_Central

.