Subj:     Drinking Jokes
                 (Includes 82 jokes and articles, 22 1040n,6,cf,wYT2,4)

          Click "Here" for Drinking-Supp

Happy Hour from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Drinking Booze From The Bottle - Animation (S911 in Supp)
.........................Robin Williams On Alcoholics - Video (S846 in Supp)
.........................Drinking And Driving (S798 in Supp)
.........................Stan Laurel Bottles Wine - Video (S1040)
.........................How To Clean With Vodka: (S520b in Supp)
.........................Spiral Wine Cellar In The Kitchen (S720 in Supp)
.........................Seeing The Ex-Wife Drink (S502b in Supp)
.........................Party In The Stomach - Video (S575 in Supp)
.........................Quotes On Drinking - Thoughts On Beer (S41, S533b - Supp)
.........................Johnnie Walker - Dear Brother - Commercial (S991)
.........................Beer And Brain Cells - Web Page (S94, S552)
.........................New Wines From Wal-mart (S421b)
.........................Difficult To Say When Drunk (S305b)
.........................Toasts (S242)
.........................Coming Home After Week End Binge (S233, S631c)
.........................Older Lady Has Drink On Ship (S217, S717)
.........................Women's Type Based On Drinks (S145)
.........................Strange" Cuckoo Clock (134, S658)
.........................Drunk Needs A Push (S133, S631)
.........................Bum Asks For Two Dollars (S127)
.........................Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop (S109, S678b)
.........................The Ant - Photo/Sign (S414b)
.........................Lady Prefers Sherry To Port (S76)
.........................Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar (S69, S469)
.........................Young Man Knows His Wines
.........................25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
.........................Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk (DU)
.........................The Different Levels Of Drunkenness
.........................Hangover Ratings (S210)
.........................The Official Drinking Scale
                         Short Drinking Jokes
..............................1919 Anti-Drinking Photograph/Poster (S767 in Supp)
..............................A Drinking Problem (S482c in Supp)
..............................How Tequila Works (S632 in Supp)
..............................Alcohol Is Bad For The Legs (S575b in Supp)
..............................Drinking Idiot - GIF (S537c in Supp)
..............................Drinking Water Vs Drinking Booz (S530c in Supp)
..............................Police Stop A DUI - Video (S501 in Supp)
..............................I'm A Drunk - Bumper Sticker (S497 in Supp)
..............................13 Reason's Not To Drink w/Your "Friends" (S495-Sup)
..............................The Morning After - Video (S462)
..............................Men And Women On Wine (S207)
..............................Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b in Police1)
..............................Drinking T-Shirt
..............................Out Drinking With Lady Friends (S451)

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Fun With Beer And Guns'
         AUSTRALIAN   - 'The Great Aussie Love Poem'
         BALLS file   - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
         BAR1 file    - 'Shoe Sunday Comic Strip'
......................- 'Man Helps Drunk Lady Walk Home'
......................- (see whole set of files)
         BAR2 file    - 'Drunk Refused Drink At Bar'
......................- 'Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives'
......................- 'Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home''
         BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Parrots - Whassup Video'
         BUGS-ETC     - 'Lessons Learned From Worms'
         CABDRIVER    - 'Taking A Cab Home'
         CANDY file   - 'A Chocolate Flavored Penis'
         CATHOLIC file- 'A Drunk Enters The Confessional'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Power Pole Death'
......................- 'Dying At A Metallica Concert'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Man's First Visit To Proctologist'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Heart Attacks'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Three Ill Men See The Doctor'
         DRINKINGBEER1- 'Bloke Orders Five Pints'
......................- (see whole file)
         DRINKINGBEER2- 'Nortel vs. Budweiser'
......................- 'FDA Warnings'
......................- 'Norm Peterson, from the TV show Cheers!'
         DWARVES file - '3 Drinks In Dwarf Costumes' - Video
         ELDERLY4 file- 'Happy Old Man In Rocking Chair'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Russian Truck Driver Drown In Beer'
......................- 'Six People Injured In Moscow'
         FISHING1 file- 'Drunk Goes Ice Fishing'
         FISHING2 file- 'Redneck Fisherman Sees Snake'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'Drunk Tells Woman She Is Single'
.........FROG file    - 'What Does A Frog Say?'
         GAMES-SUPP   - 'The German Game DrunkWalk'
         GAY file     - 'Drunk Is Sexually Abused'
         GHOST file   - 'Drunk Walks Past Hospital'
         GOLF3 file   - 'Three Deaf Retirees Play Golf'
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Two Women Pee In A Graveyard'
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Drunk In The Pumpkin Patch'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Man With No Arms Or Legs Has A Beer'
......................- 'Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
         HARLEY file  - 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Irish Personal Ads'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Tom Woke-Up In Heaven'
         HOOKER file  - 'Lumberjack Goes To A Brothel'
         HOTEL file   - 'Drunk Asks When The Bar Opens'
         INDIAN file  - 'Two Drunks In A Car And The Indian'
.........IRISH2 file  - 'Drunk Irishman Staggers Home'
......................- 'Irish Prayer'
......................- 'Irish Looses Luggage In Airport'
.........JOBS1 file   - 'Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work'
.........JOBS2 file   - 'Worker Dies In Scaffolding Fall'
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'The Brewery'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Bubba Calles His Lawyer'
.........Leprichaun   - 'Drunk Wakes Up With Amnesia'
.........LIES file    - 'How To Win Arguments'
         MAILMAM-ETC  - 'Playing "Who Am I"'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Husband Comes Home And Asks For A Beer'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Drunk Performs Oral Sex With His Wife'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Marty Wakes Up With Hangover'
......................- 'Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar'
......................- 'Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes'
         MEN1 file    - 'Saving Grandfather's Clock'
         MEN4 file    - 'The Homeless Man'
         MONKEY file  - 'I.B.C. Rootbeer Commercial'
         MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'I Love Jesus, But I Drink A Little'
         NUNS2 file   - 'Dying Mother Superior'
         OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Jungle Juice' - Video
         REDNECK3     - 'Two Rednecks And The Roadblock'
.........PEANUTS file - 'Guy Hears Voices In A Bar'
.........POLICE1 file - 'Policeman, And The Drunk They Couldn't Test'
......................- 'Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop'
         POLICE2 file - 'Drunk Follows Woman'
         POLICE-SUPP  - '3 Ways To Fail A Drunk Test'
         POLISH file  - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
         PREACHER file- 'Bishop Declines Tea And Coffee'
......................- 'Drunk Is Ready To For Jesus'
         PSYCH-SUPP   - 'The Best Medicine'
         RATS AND MICE- 'Guinness And The Mouse'
.........REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Birthday Cake'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'A What Am I Riddle #25'
         RIDDLE-SUPP2 - 'A Dangerous Ride'
         RUSSIAN file - 'Russian Pees Vodka'
         SCOTTISH file- 'The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics' - Song/Video
         SEX1 file    - 'Sex Doggy Style II'
         SOUTHERN file- 'Boudreaux And Band-Aids'
         THOU-LND-SUPP- 'Inner Peace'
Subj:     Johnnie Walker - Dear Brother (S991d)
          Created by Dorian and Daniel
          From: AFine963 on 1/7/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/h2caT4q4Nbs
.......Click 'HERE' to see this very touching ad.
Subj:     Beer And Brain Cells (S94, S552)
          From: thebartend on 98-08-24
      and From: jbcary1 on 8/19/2007
Picture from
Native American Rhymes

 In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff Clavin is seated at the
 bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.  You
 can read his theory by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     New Wines From Wal-mart (S421b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 2/11/2005

 Wal-mart in US is going to start selling wine. Some Wal-mart
 customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item:
 Wal-mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain
 is teaming up with E and J Gallo Winery of Modesto,California,
 to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5

 While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle
 of Wal-mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a
 market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of
 marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. "The
 right name is important."
 So, here we go:

 The top 12 suggested names for Wal-mart Wine:

 12. Chateau Traileur Parc
 11. White Trashfindel
 10. Big Red Gulp
  9. Grape Expectations
  8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
  7. NASCARbernet
  6. Chef Boyardeaux
  5. Peanut Noir
  4. Chateau Des Moines
  3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
  2. World Championship Riesling

 And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

  1. Nasti Spumante

 The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with
 both white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

Subj:     Difficult To Say When Drunk (S305b)
          From: RFSlick on 12/3/2002

 Subject: Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

 Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon,

 Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

 Specificity, Cogito ergo sum, British Constitution, Passive-
 aggressive disorder, Loquacious, Transubstantiate

 Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

 Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;

 Nope, I don't want another drink;

 Sorry, but you're not really my type;

 No kebab for me, thank you;

 Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

 I'm not interested in fighting you;

 Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

Subj:     Toasts (S242)
          From: RFSlick on 9/16/2001

 Use these next time you are toasting a drink with friends:

 Here's health to your enemies' enemies!

 Here's to the women who love me terribly,
 May they soon improve.

 May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
 the foresight to know where you're going
 and the insight to know when you're going too far.

 When we drink, we get drunk.
 When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
 When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
 When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
 So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

 On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
 Were tattooed the prices of ale.
 And on her behind,
 For the sake of the blind,
 Was the same information in Braille!

 "There are many good reasons for drinking
 And one just entered my head
 If a man can't drink while he's living
 How the hell can he drink when he's dead!"

 May those who love us love us.
 And those who don't love us,
 May God turn their hearts.
 And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
 May he turn their ankles,
 So we'll know them by their limping.

 Here's to living single and drinking double!

 Here's to Eve, the Mother of our race,
 She wore her fig leaf in the proper place.
 Here's to Adam, Father of us all,
 He knew just where to be,
 When the leaves began to fall . . .

Subj:     Coming Home After Week End Binge (S233, S631c)
          From: KMACINTY on 7/17/2001
      and From: sam.hutkins on 2/5/2009

 A man left work one Friday afternoon.  But - being payday -
 instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
 partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

 When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was
 confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for
 nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to
 him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two
 or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine
 with me."

 Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.  Tuesday and
 Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where
 he could see her a little out of the corner of his left

Subj:     Older Lady Has Drink On Ship (S217, S717)
          From: flovilla on 3/23/2001

 A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender
 for a scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives
 her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my
 80th birthday and it's today."  The bartender says, "Well,
 since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact,
 this one is on me."

 As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
 "I would like to buy you a drink too."  The old woman says,
 "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of
 water." "Coming up," says the bartender.

 As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would
 like to buy you one too.  The old women says, "Thank you.
 Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of
 water."  "Comin' right up," the bartender says.  As he gives
 her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why
 the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

 The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn
 how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other

Subj:     Women's And Men's Type Based On Drinks (S145)
          From: icohen on 11/08/1999

 Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail
 a woman's  personality based on what she drinks.  Though
 interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
 The results:


 Drink: Beer
 Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
 Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

 Drink: Blender Drinks
 Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
 Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

 Drink: Mixed Drinks
 Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
 Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send
 YOU a drink.

 Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
 Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
 Your Approach: Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing
 into the conversation.

 Drink: White Zin
 Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,
 actually has no clue.
 Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

 Drink: Shots
 Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get
 drunk...and naked.
 Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

 If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

 IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.

 Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

 Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

 Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

 Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

 Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

 Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way
 or another.

 Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
 sophisticated image and help him get laid.

 Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm
 scarf.  Desperate to get laid.

 Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and
 wants to get laid.

 Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will
 hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

 Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker,
 knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet
 etc.)to weasel himself into getting laid.

 Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

 Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc: He's GAY.

Subj:     "Strange" Cuckoo Clock (134, S658)
          From: KMacinty on 8/23/99

 Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night
 with "the boys."

 I told the missus that I would be home by midnight ...
 promise!  Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog
 was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m., full as a boot,
 I went home.

 Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and
 cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly I realized she'd probably wake
 up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.  I was really proud of
 myself, having the quick wittedness -- even when smashed
 -- to escape a possible conflict.

 Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I
 told her 12 o'clock.  Whew!  Got away with that one!

 She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.  When
 I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said
 'dang it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed
 another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice
 and giggled."

Subj:     Drunk Needs A Push (S133, S631)
          From: thebartend on 8/19/99, and 12/4/2003
      and From: gattica30 on 2/7/2009

 A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-
 tat on the door.  He rolls over and looks at his clock,
 and it's half past three in the morning.

 "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and
 rolls over.  A louder knock follows.  "Aren't you going to
 answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of
 bed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door and there is
 man standing at the door.  It didn't take the homeowner
 long to realize the man was drunk.

 "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

 "No, get lost, it's half past three.  I was in bed." says
 the man and slams the door.

 He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened
 and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember
 that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to
 pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock
 on that man's house to get us started again?   What would
 have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

 "But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

 "It doesn't matter." says the wife.  "He needs our help
 and it would be the right thing to do."

 So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
 downstairs.  He opens the door, and not being able to see
 the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a
 push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

 So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts
 "Where are you?"

 And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Subj:     Bum Asks For Two Dollars (S127)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/1/99

 A bum asks a man for two dollars.

 The man says, "If I give you the money, will you just use it to
 buy booze?"

 The bum says no.

 The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?"

 The bum again says no.

 Then the man asks, "Then will you come home with me so my wife
 can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Subj:     Drunk Pulled Over By Irish Cop (S109, S678b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004
      and From: AFine963 on 1/10/2010

 A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
 violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

 "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

 "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the
 cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

 "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

 "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
 his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
 out of your car?"

 "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,
 I thought I'd gone deaf."

Subj:     The Ant (S414b)
          From: JokesUncut on 1/6/2005
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     Lady Prefers Sherry To Port (S76)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #172 on 98-07-1

 A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
 lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
 discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
 apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he
 began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
 first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass
 of wine.

 He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
 "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
 Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
 glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
 and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
 enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
 seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
 whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins
 being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into
 another world.

 "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Subj:     Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar (S69, S469)
          From: thebartend on 98-05-27 and 1/13/2006
 (Also see 'The Drunk Goes Home' in HANDICAPPED)

 An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands
 up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one
 more time, but to no avail.  Again, he falls flat on his face.
 He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
 that will sober him up.  Once outside, he stands up and, sure
 enough, he falls flat on his face.  The Irishman decides to
 crawl the four blocks to his home.

 When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on
 his face.  He crawls through the door into his bedroom.  When
 he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.  This
 time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls
 right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits
 the pillow.

 He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him,
 shouting, "So,  you've been out drinking again!"

 "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

 "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Subj:     Young Man Knows His Wines
          From: Max's Humor Archive on 07/15/97

 The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young
 woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine
 tasting.  He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985
 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district
 vineyard.  Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the
 wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N.
 Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I
 ordered."  As the second bottle was poured, the eonophile
 tasted the wine and proclaimed, "No, no, no, this is a 1985
 all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!"

 An old drunk sat watching the display from the bar and
 staggered over to the couple's table.  He said, "Wow, that's
 an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me what's
 in this glass?"  Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to
 impress his date, the young man tasted the liquid in the
 drunk's glass.  "Geez, that tastes like urine!" the fellow
 yelped, as he spit the mouthful out.  "That's right!"
 exclaimed the drunk.  "Now tell me when and where I was born."

Subj:     25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
          From: mbucher on 98-03-02
'Reasons For Allowing Drinking At Work'
                in JOBS1
Subj:     Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk (DU)
          From: All Female Collage! - Bawdy.Net #227 on 98-01-31

 A couple of drinkin' buddies, airplane mechanics, are in the
 hanger at San Francisco International; it's fogged in and
 they have nothing to do.  One of them says to the other,
 "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

 "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give
 you a buzz."

 So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only
 drinkin' buddies can do.  The following morning, one of them
 wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up.
 But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels
 great - NO hangover!

 The phone rings and it's his buddy.  The buddy says, "Hey,
 how do you feel?"

 He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great
 too!!  You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that
 jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this
 more often."

 "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

 "What's that?"

 "Did you fart yet?"


 "Did you FART yet??"

 "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

Subj:     The Different Levels Of Drunkenness
          From: TheBartend on 97-07-12

 It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.  You get
 up to leave because you have work the next day and one of
 your friends buys another round.  One of your UNEMPLOYED
 friends.  Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come
 on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of
 sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

 It's midnight.  You've had a few more beers.  You've just
 spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf.  You get
 up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears
 on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out
 with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are
 the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep
 (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

 One in the morning.  You've abandoned beer for tequila. You
 have just spent twenty minutes arguing FOR artificial turf.
 And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful
 woman I've ever seen! "At level three, you love the world.
 On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger
 at the end of the bar just because you like his face.  You
 get drinking fantasies.  (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought
 our own bar, we could live together forever.  We could do
 it.  Tommy, you could cook.")  But at level three, that
 devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying.  And you
 are thinking "Oh, come on, come on now.  As long as I get
 three hours sleep... and a complete change of blood (snaps
 fingers), I'm cool.".

 Two in the morning.  And the devil is bartending.  For last
 call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke.  You ARE
 artificial turf!  This time on your way to the bathroom,
 you punch the stranger at the end of the bar.  Just because
 you don't like his face!  And now you're thinking, "Our
 busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen."  You and
 your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown
 out, and one of you knows an... after hours bar.  And here,
 at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well... as
 long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I
 may as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!!  Yeah!  That'd be good
 for me.  I don't mind going to that board meeting looking
 like Keith Richards.  Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it
 work for me.  And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep
 tomorrow.... cool.

 Five in the morning, after unsuccessfully trying to get
 your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even
 know anybody named Ruby!!! "), you and your friends wind
 up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been
 in prison as recently as...that morning.  It's the kind
 of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn
 in.  I gotta be in Hell- at nine.  I've got that brunch
 with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all
 drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something
 from a Klingon wedding.  A waitress with fresh stitches
 comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna
 marry that girl!!"  One of your friends stands up and
 screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.
 You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part
 of level five- the sun.  You weren't expecting that were
 you?  You never do.  You walk out of a bar in daylight,
 and you see people on their way to work, or jogging.  And
 they look at you-and they know.  And they say... "Who's
 Ruby?"  Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all
 night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night,
 but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flash-
 light.  We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will
 never do this again (how long?) as long as I live! "And
 some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I
 mean it!"

Subj:     Hangover Ratings (S210)
          From: thebartend on 2/4/2001

 1 star hangover (*)

 No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night
 was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of
 misplaced energy.  Be glad that you are able to function
 relatively well. However, you are still parched.  You can
 drink 10 sodas and still feel this way.  You are craving
 a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.

 2 star hangover (**)

 No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look
 okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun.  The
 coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut,
 which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake
 breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your

 3 star hangover (***)

 Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.  You are definitely
 not productive.  Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
 her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did
 with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at
 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in
 your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching
 the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
 gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke --
 yet you haven't peed once.

 4 star hangover (****)

 Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
 quickly or else you might puke.  Your boss has already
 lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
 for reeking of booze.  You wore nice clothes, but that
 can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot
 shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
 while riding the bumper cars).  Your eyes look like one
 big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
 from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

 5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."

 You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
 annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.  Vodka
 vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
 You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
 mouth from brushing your teeth.  Your body has lost the
 ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating
 you.  Death seems pretty good right now.  You definitely
 don't remember who you were with, where you were, what
 you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in
 your bed at your house.

 6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the
 "Infinite Nutsmacker"

 You wake up on your bathroom floor.  For about 2 seconds
 you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing
 feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke
 from 5 hours ago.  It is amazing how your roommate was as
 drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you
 the next morning....You try to lift your head.  Not an
 option.  It is when you turn your head too quickly only
 to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair,
 and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra
 lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you
 smoked them like it was your second full time job.  You
 look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp
 "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...... that
 explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has
 magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis.
 You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32
 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is
 your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Subj:     The Official Drinking Scale
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/23/98

 0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

 1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

 2 Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered.
   Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

 3 Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks
   are filled with random letters and numbers.

 4 Barmaid complimented on choice of bra.  Partially visible
   when bending to get packets of crisps.  Try to instigate
   conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of
   crisps one by one.

 5 Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-
   proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis
   problems.  Agree people are same world over except for
   the bloody Tasmanians.

 6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat.
   Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and
   tell them you love them.  Ring girlfriend to tell her
   you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

 7 Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boy-
   friend.  No reaction. Scribble out message of love on
   five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room.
   Boyfriend asks you outside.  You buy him a Slim Panatela.

 8 Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room.
   Lots of people say yes.  Go round the pub hugging them
   one by one.  Fall over.  Get up.

 9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off.  Send it back.  Pint
   comes back tasting same.  Say "thats much better".  Fight
   nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten minutes
   before seeing out of order sign.

 10 Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse
    at all four barmen.  Talked down by barmen's wives, who
    you offer to give a baby to.  Fall over.  Get up.  Fall
    over.  Impale head on corner of table.  Fail to notice
    oozing head wound.

 11 Speech no longer possible.  Eventually manage to find
    door.  Sit and take stock.  Realize you are sitting in
    pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning.  Vomit.  Pass

 12 Put in minicab by somebody.  Give home address.  Taken
    home.  Can't get key in door.  Realize you've given
    address of Burnley Football Club.  Generally pleased at
    way evening has gone.  Pass out again.

Subj:    Short Drinking Jokes

Subj:     The Morning After (S462d)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/30/2005
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/ixHQ3Lnpwmk
 Click 'HERE'. to view very cute, Bergerbier beer commercial.

Subj:     Men And Women On Wine (S207)
          From: KMACINTY on 1/16/2001
 Woman on Men and Wine:
 "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
 and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
 dark until they mature into something with which you'd
 like to have dinner  with."

 Man on Women and Wine:
 "Women are like fine wine.  They all start out fresh,
 fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-
 bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and
 give you a headache."

Subj:     Cute Drunk Talk - WAV (S453b in Police1)
          From: Song Wav's on 9/22/2005
..........Source: (Removed from new.wavlist.com)

 You can listen to this cute sound track by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Drinking T-Shirt
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
 Saw a guy at the pharmacy with a T-shirt that said:
     One Tequila
     Two Tequila
     Three Tequila

Subj:     Out Drinking With Lady Friends
          From: darrell94590 on 9/9/2005 (S451)
 To view the cute story which includes 18 pictures, click 'HERE'.

 Law of Drunkenness
 You can't fall off the floor.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
 Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
 Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker,
 especially if you're trying to get drunk.

 When you're drunk the floor is your best friend
 because it's always there for you.

From: Bawdy.Net #278 on 99-01-15
 Would you like a gin and platonic or
 would you rather have a scotch and sofa?

From: ossama on 99-01-27 (S105)
 There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
 A man is at home with his wife. He gets up and says,
 "Right, I'm off to the pub - put your coat on."

 "Where are we going?" she asks.

 "You're not going anywhere", he says, "I'm turning
 the heating off."

From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
 Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

From: pns on 3/30/2001 (S218)
 The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was
 my blood alcohol content.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #209 on 97-09-27
 Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
 drunk are walking down the street together when they
 simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets
 it?  The old drunk, of course; the other three are
 mythical creatures.

From: dogbyte on 2/13/2002 (S264)
 I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a
 drink, and then natural selection reared its ugly head.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
 I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
 to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
   -- Hunter S. Thompson

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002 (S272c)
 "People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told
  that sorrow knows how to swim."  -- Ann Landers

                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central