Subj: Drinking Beer1 (Gz)
(Includes 26 jokes and articles)
Beer Drinking Alien
from
Millanimations
| >>>
Subj: Drinking Beer1 (Gz) (Includes 26 jokes and articles) |
|
Beer Drinking Alien from Millanimations |
Also see JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'The
Brewery'
BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Parrots - Whassup
Movie'
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| Subj:
Russian Beer Ad #1 (S506c in Russian)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006 |
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To view this short, cute commercial on my web site click 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Russian Beer Ad #2 (S506c in Russian)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006 |
To view this short, cute commercial on my web site click 'HERE'.
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| Subj:
Carlton Draught's Big Ad (S493b)
From: chrisdaddyg Small picture
from Duncan's
TV Ad Land
|
 |
This giant beer ad is 10,889
KG in length. If you are a
beer fan, you will enjoy this
majestic commercial. You can
view it at either source above,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj: Last
12,000 Years Of History (S460b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/5/2005 and 11/23/2005
History began some 12,000 years ago.
Humans existed as members of
small bands of nomadic
hunter/gathers. They lived
on deer in the mountains during
the summer and, would go to
the coast and live on fish and
lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in
all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention
of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get men
to the beer.
These were the foundation of
modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting
of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required
grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors
were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were
drinking beer. This was
the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the conservatives
by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's doing the sewing, fetching
and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved
into women. The rest became
known as "girlymen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group
therapy and group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years, conservatives
came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land
animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported
beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary
side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social
workers, personal injury attorneys,journalists,
dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated hitter rule because
it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat. Conservatives
drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conser-
vatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers,
athletes and generally anyone
who works productively outside
government.
Conservative who own companies
hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with
the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is
why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tamed,
and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in
world history.
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Subj: Free
Beer On Internet!! (S434)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005
Please do NOT forward this to
very many people for a little
while, because I\'m going to
try to get several cases for
myself (using different names)
before they run out of Free
beer!
Yes, really! FREE BEER!!!!!
There's an ad for Anheuser-Busch
in the newspapers in
Mexico, and they are having
a beer promotion.
If you fill-in the online form
below they\'ll send you a
complimentary (FREE) case of
assorted domestic and imported
beers - which is meant to introduce
you to their products!
Apparently they have this promotion
going until the end of
this month, or till the first
10,000 cases ship.
If you haven\'t heard about this, jump on it!!!!!
Check it out.....
http://www.fundmental.com/mail/freebeer.html
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Subj: Man
Sues Bush (S415b)
From: igiggle on 1/1/2005
A beer-loving man sued Anheuser-Busch
for $100,000, claiming
false advertising and failure
to deliver on its promise.
The man stated that regardless
of how much Bud Light he
drank, bikini-clad women showering
affection on him never
materialized like the commercials
implied. To top it off,
he claimed that drinking beer
sometimes made him sick. He
sued for "emotional distress"
brought on by Anheuser-Busch's
failure to provide "unrestricted
merriment." The court ruled
that no matter how much beer
he'd had, he still didn't have
a case.
Snopes.com has no reference to
this case so this is probably
Urban Legend.
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Subj: DrSeus
on Beer (S393)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/5/2004
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Subj: New
Date Rape Drink (S274b, S469b)
From: RFSlick on 4/22/2002
and
From: DoctorDebt on 1/12/2006
Police warn all male clubbers,
party-goers, and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and
stay cautious when offered a
drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market,
called "Beer," is being
used by females to target unsuspecting
men. The drug is
generally found in liquid form,
and is now available almost
anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in
large "kegs". "Beer" is used
by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home
and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only
to persuade a guy to consume
a few units of "Beer" and then
simply ask him home for no-
strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against
this approach. After several
"Beers" men will often succumb
to desires to perform sexual
acts on horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally
be attracted. After
drinking "Beer," men often awaken
with only hazy memories
of exactly what happened to
them the night before, often
with just a vague feeling that
something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of
their life's savings in a familiar
scam known as "a
relationship." In extreme
cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer
term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as
"marriage". Apparently men are
much more susceptible
to this scam after "Beer" is
administered and sex is
offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning
to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim
to this insidious "Beer" and
the predatory women administering
it, there are male
support groups with venues in
every town where you can
discuss the details of your
shocking encounter in an open
and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest
you, just look up "Golf
Courses" in the yellow pages.
| For a video to see
how beer works click 'HERE',
or go to http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf |
 |
TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for
hydrogen beer is at the heart
of a three way lawsuit between
unemployed stockbroker Toshira
Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke
bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation.
Mr Otoma is suing the bar and
the brewery for selling toxic
substances and is claiming damages
for grievous bodily harm
leading to the loss of his job.
The bar is countersuing for
defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews
"Suiso" brand beer, where the
carbon dioxide normally used
to add fizz has been replaced by
the more environmentally friendly
hydrogen gas. A side effect
of this has made the beer extremely
popular at karaoke sing-
along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas
lighter than air. Because hydrogen
molecules are lighter than air,
sound waves are transmitted more
rapidly; individuals whose lungs
are filled with the nontoxic gas
can speak with an uncharacteristically
high voice. Exploiting
this quirk of physics, chic
urbanites can now sing soprano parts
on karaoke sing-along machines
after consuming a big gulp of Suiso
beer.
The flammable nature of hydrogen
has also become another selling
point, even though Asaka has
not acknowledged that this was a
deliberate marketing ploy.
It has inspired a new fashion of
blowing flames from one's mouth
using a cigarette as an ignition
source. Many new karaoke
videos feature singers shooting blue
flames in slow motion, while
flame contests take place in pubs
everywhere. "Mr Otoma has no-one
to blame but himself. If he had
not become drunk and disorderly,
none of this would have happened.
Our security guards undergo
the most careful screening and training
before they are allowed to deal
with customers", said Mr Takashi
Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take
bar.
"Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles
of hydrogen beer in order to
maximise the size of the flames
he could belch during the contest.
He catapulted balls of fire
across the room that Gojira would be
proud of, but this was not enough
to win him first prize since the
judgement is made on the quality
of the flames and that of the
singing, and after fifteen bottles
of lager he was badly out of
tune."
"He took exception to the result
and hurled blue fireballs at the
judge, singeing the front of
Mrs Mifune's hair, entirely removing
her eyebrows and lashes, and
ruining the clothes of two nearby
customers. None of these
people have returned to my bar. When
our security staff approached
he turned his attentions to them,
making it almost impossible
to approach him. Our head bouncer
had no choice but to hurl himself
at Mr Otoma's knees, knocking
his legs from under him."
"The laws of physics are not
to be disobeyed, and the force that
propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards
also pivoted around his centre
of gravity and moved his upper
body forward with equal velocity.
It was his own fault he had
his mouth open for the next belch, his
own fault he held a lighted
cigarette in front of it and it is own
fault he swallowed that cigarette."
"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility
for the subsequent
internal combustion, rupture
of his stomach lining, nor the third
degree burns to his oesophagus,
larynx and sinuses as the exploding
gases forced their way out of
his body. His consequential muteness
and loss of employment are his
own fault."
Mr Otoma was unavailable for comment.
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Subj: How
About A Beer? (S105)
From: thebartend on 99-01-27
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung the wash out to
dry, put a roast in the oven,
then went downstairs to pick
up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to
herself as she walked down Main
street.
She passed by a tavern and thought,
"Vy nodt?" so she walked
in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and
asked her what she would like
to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is
so hot I tink I'll have myself
zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell
fine, tanks, und how's yer
pecker?"
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Subj: Beer's
Place In History (S98)
From: icohen on 98-12-11
It was the accepted practice
in Babylonia 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey
beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period
was called the "honey month"
or what we know today as the
"honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented,
brewers would dip a
thumb or finger into the mix
to find the right temperature
for adding yeast. Too
cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow.
Too hot, and the yeast would
die. This thumb in the beer
is where we get the phrase "rule
of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered
by pints and quarts. So
in old England, when customers
got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them to mind their
own pints and quarts and
settle down. It's where
we get the phrase "mind your P's
and Q's".
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims
landed at Plymouth Rock.
It's clear from the Mayflower's
log that the crew didn't
want to waste beer looking for
a better site. The log
goes on to state that the passengers
"were hasted ashore
and made to drink water that
the seamen might have the
more beer".
After consuming a bucket or two
of vibrant brew they called
aul, or ale, the Vikings would
head fearlessly into battle
often without armor or even
shirts. In fact, the term
"berserk" means "bare shirt"
in Norse, and eventually took
on the meaning of their wild
battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the
British fleet decided to
water down the navy's rum.
Needless to say, the sailors
weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon "Old Grog",
after the stiff wool grogram
coats he wore. The term
"grog" soon began to mean the
watered down drink itself.
When you were drunk on this
grog, you were "groggy".
Many years ago in England, pub
frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle
of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some
service. "Wet your whistle",
is the phrase inspired by
this practice.
Now you can appreciate the importance
of BEER throughout
history.
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Subj: Beer
And Brain Cells (S82)
From: thebartend on 98-08-24
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff
Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm. and here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like
this...
A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health
of the whole is maintained or
even improved by the regular
culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human
brain can operate only as
fast as the slowest brain cells
through which the electrical
signals pass. Recent epidemiological
studies have shown
that while excessive intake
of alcohol kills off brain
cells, it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of
beer helps eliminate the weaker
cells, constantly making the
brain a faster and more
efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study
verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend
parties and job related
performance. It also explains
why, after a few short years
of leaving university and getting
married, most professionals
cannot keep up with the performance
of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to
the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain
the intellectual levels
that they achieved during their
university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As
our country is losing its
technological edge we should
not shudder in our homes. Get
back into the bars! Quaff that
pint! Your company and
country need you to be at your
peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that
you could have.
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Subj: The
"BEER ME" Diet (S82)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
FACT: A lite beer has between
70 and 100 calories, is almost
all water, and the part that
isn't water is almost pure
carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends
a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for
women, 1,500 for men, if you want
to lose the medically safe two
to three pounds a week. On
the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates
to at least 12 beverages
a day for women, and 15 for
men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is
a diuretic, which causes the
water to flush out almost immediately,
leading to a
consistent workout regimen including
deep knee bends
(getting out of the chair),
fast walking (very good for
your heart) and squats (as the
case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually
helps you sleep-even when
you aren't necessarily tired.
All that added rest is
certain to help any problems
you may have experienced
in sleep deprivation, counting
calories on those other
fad diets. In addition,
you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you
wake up, which always makes
for lively conversation, and
possibly additional exercise
if you have to sneak out and
run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good
for your heart. After
just one day of consuming your
required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume
some aspirin, which is
medically proven to help prevent
heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you
can eat anything you
want. The only rule is
that you cannot consume any food
until you have consumed at least
half of the day's
required beers. This way
the food will probably only
stay in your body a short time,
until you again exercise
the deep knee bends, quick walk
and, this time, the
"lean-over-and-hurl" stomach
crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often
done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common.
Dancing, for example, is
a good way to build up a thirst,
as is chasing members
of the opposite sex. If
you really want to maximize
your workout, try actually walking
up to the bar,
versus using a waitress.
To take this to the extreme,
you could even get up and get
someone else a beer-
perhaps someone who is newer
to the diet plan than
yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny
Craig. Based on these
facts, let's run through a given
scenario for diet
implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet
plan, and should be
attempted during the work week
by only the staunchest
of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat
junk food and basically be
a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing
by the liquor store and
stock up. Go to favorite
place of beer drinking and
begin the consumption process
(remember 12 for women,
15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required)
and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller
after expunging any food
that you may have accidentally
consumed (particularly
if it involved beef jerky from
7-11). Take aspirin.
Notice that you have absolutely
no interest in food,
anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle,
noticing that your
appetite has still not returned.
Perhaps only meet
half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing
discussion with "the dog that
bit you." This is a
good thing, as only half-consumption
means less than
1,000 calories for the day,
and you still don't feel
hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory
sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during
football season, but
it can be successfully implemented
year-round. There
is some major professional sport
being played every
day of the year except the day
before and the day
after the Major League All-Star
game (fact-look it up).
Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the
entire day-you don't want to
peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite,
and are feeling thinner
all the time. Don't forget
the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work,
feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow.
Mark your log book, and begin
preparation for the upcoming
weekend.
Happy dieting!!!
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Subj: Free
Beer! (S264c)
From: dogbyte on 2/13/2002
This guy walked into a bar and
saw a sign for free beer.
He asked the bartender where
he could get the free beer.
The bartender said, "Go upstairs
and it's the first door
on your left."
He went upstairs and went in
the first door on his left.
As he walked in he saw the ugliest,
fattest, smelliest
women he has ever seen.
He asked how to get the free beer.
She said, "All you have to do
is give me a free screw."
He thought about it for a while
then remembered free beer.
So he said, "Okay, but you have
to keep your eyes closed."
When she closed her eyes he ran
downstairs and into the
corn field outside. He
took a piece of corn, ran back to
the room and saw that the woman
still had her eyes closed.
He stuck the corn in her, and
her screwed the daylights
out of this woman with the it.
When he was done, he
through the corn out the window
and told her to open her
eyes. She said that was
the best sex she has ever had.
He went downstairs and got his
beer. When he left, he
saw his friend and told him
about the excellent FREE beer
he had.
Smiling his friend said, "yeah,
but it wasn't as good as
this piece of corn I just had!"
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Subj: Penny
Beer (S230)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-13
and
From: gheckman on 6/23/2001
A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer. "Certainly, sir,
that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes." So
the guy glances over at the
menu, and he asks, " Could I
have a nice juicy T-bone steak,
with chips, peas, and a fried
egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the
bartender, "but all
that comes to real money." "
How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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Subj: Two
Guys In Life Boat Find Genie (S241)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
and
From: BennoRo on 9/9/2001
Two guys, of limited intelligence,
were on a ship that sank
in the middle of the Ocean.
They managed to inflate a
rubber life raft and grab a
box
of provisions before their
ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under
blazing heat, for 6 days, they
ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed
and half dead from heat,
thirst and starvation, they
spotted a small object,
floating toward them in the
water. As it drew near, they
were ecstatic to find that it
was an old oil lamp (the
kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed
it. Out popped a tired
old genie who said, "OK, so
you freed me from the stupid
lamp, but hey, I've been doing
this 3-wishes stuff for a
while now an quite frankly,
I'm burned out. You guys
only get 1 wish and then I'm
outta here. Make it a good
one."
The first guy, blurted out, without
thinking, "Give us
all the beer we can drink for
the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he
instantly turned the
entire Ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein", said
the second guy, slapping the
first guy in the side of the
head. "Now we're gonna have
to piss in the boat."
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Subj: World's
Best Beer (S37, 448b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/25/2005
After the Great Britian Beer
Festival, in London, all the
brewery presidents decided to
go out for a beer.
The guy from corona sits down
and says "Hey Senor, I would
like the world's best beer,
a Corona." The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the shelf
and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd
like the best beer in the
world, give me 'The King Of
Beers', a Budweiser." The
bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd
like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water,
give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down
and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken
aback, but gives him what he
ordered.
The other brewery presidents
look over at him and ask "Why
aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
and the Guinness president
replies "Well, if you guys aren't
drinking beer, neither
will I."
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Subj: Bloke
Orders Five Pints (S271c)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 21 Oct 97
A bloke goes into a pub, takes
a seat at the bar, and orders
five pints. The barman
gives him an odd look since the
bloke's all by himself, but
he serves up the five pints and
lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two,
Three, Four, Five. He
finishes the last one and calls to
the barman, "Four pints, please,
mate!"
The barman serves up four pints
and lines them on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One,
Two, Three, Four. He belches
loudly, sways slightly on the
stool, and orders three more
pints. One after the other,
he knocks them back....One,
Two, Three.
"Two pintsh, mate!" he calls,
and the barman places two
pints in front of him.
Down they go....One, Two. As the
bloke slams the last one down
on the bar, he says, "One
pint, mate." So the barman
fills the glass. The bloke
sits there, staring at it for
for a moment, trying to
focus. He looks at the
barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh
a funny t'ing, but the less
I drink, the drunker I get..."
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Subj: Beer
And Ice Cream Diet (S40)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie
to heat 1 gram of water
1 degree centigrade. Translated
into meaningful terms, this
means that if you eat a very
cold dessert (generally consisting
of water in large part), the
natural processes which raise
the consumed dessert to body
temperature during the digestive
cycle literally sucks the calories
out of the only available
source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served
and eaten at near 0 degrees C
(32.2 deg. F) will in a short
time be raised to the normal
body temperature of 37 degrees
C (98.6 deg. F). For each
gram of dessert eaten, that
process takes approximately 37
calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is
6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore,
by operation of thermodynamic
law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg.
x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat
as the dessert's temperature is
normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent
calories in the dessert, the
net calorie loss is approximately
5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert
you eat,the better off you
are and the faster you will
lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well
when drinking very cold beer
in frosted glasses. Each
ounce of beer contains 16 latent
calories, but extracts 1,036
calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus the
net calorie loss per ounce of
beer is 1,020 calories. It
doesn't take a rocket scientist
to calculate that 12,240
calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.)
are extracted from the
body in the process of drinking
a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream,
are even more beneficial,
since it takes 83 cal./gm to
melt them (i.e., raise them to
0 deg. C) and an additional
37 cal./gm to further raise them
to body temperature. The
results here are really remarkable,
and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who
eat pizza as an excuse to drink
beer, pizza (loaded with latent
calories and served above
body temperature) induces an
opposite effect. But, thankfully,
as the astute reader should
have already reasoned, the obvious
solution is to drink a lot of
beer with pizza and follow up
immediately with large bowls
of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were
to adhere religiously to a
pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
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Subj: Beer
In Space (S39)
From: http://www.Funnies.com
This week, a million fraternity
brothers rushed to join NASA.
The reason: scientists have
discovered beer in space. Well,
not beer exactly. They
did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to
be precise, the active ingredient
in all major alcoholic
drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots,
quite obviously, are
exempted from this category).
Three British scientists,
Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald
and Rolf Habing,
discovered this interstellar
Everclear floating in a gas
cloud in the contellation of
Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the
mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).
Millar and his compatriots have
estimated the size of this
gas cloud at approximately 1,000
times the diameter of our
own solar system; there's enough
alcohol out there, they
say, to make 400 trillion trillion
pints of beer. These
guys are British, mind you;
if you were to translate this
in terms of American beer (which
the British, with some
justification, regard as fermented
club soda), the amount
of potential brewski just about
doubles. In human terms:
remember that double-keg party
you threw at the end of your
Junior year in college (the
second Junior year)? Imagine
throwing that same party, every
eight hours, for the next
30 billion years. You'd
STILL have beer left over. And
boy, would YOUR bathroom be
a mess! Simply put, no one
could ever drink 400 trillion
trillion pints of beer,
except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.
The sheer volume of all this
alcohol begs the question of
how it managed to get out there
in the first place. Despite
the simplifying effect it has
on the human brain, ethyl
alcohol is a reasonably complex
molecule: two carbon atoms,
five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl
radical, all cavorting
together in beery camaraderie.
It's not a compound that is
going to spontaneously arise
out of the cold depths of space.
It can lead to speculation:
What is this cloud?
It's God's beer. After
all, He worked for six days creating
the universe, and on the seventh
day, He rested. After you
have had a hard week at the
office, don't YOU grab a beer?
Since man is made in God's image,
it could be that this
cloud is the remaining evidence
of the first, best Miller
Time.
It's Purgatory ("400 trillion
trillion bottles of beer on
the wall, 400 trillion trillion
bottles of beer! Take one
down, pass it around, three
hundred ninety-nine septillion,
nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion,
nine hundred ninety-
nine quintillion, nine hundred
ninety-nine quadrillion,
nine hundred ninety-nine trillion,
nine hundred ninety-nine
billion, nine hundred ninety-nine
million, nine hundred
ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred
ninety-nine, bottles of
beer on the wall!")
Proof of an undeniably highly
advanced but chronically
dipsomaniac alien society.
This particular theory is shaky,
however: it's reasonable to
assume that if the aliens were
going to construct a nebula
of alcohol, they'd also have
large clouds of Beer Nuts and
pretzels nearby for snacking.
Advanced spectral analysis has
yet to locate them. The
truth of the matter, however,
is far more prosaic. In the
middle of this gas cloud is
a young and no doubt quite
inebriated star. As the star
heats up and contracts,
sucking the dust and gas of
the cloud into a smaller area,
complex molecules form as a
result of greater interaction
between the elements. Ethyl
alcohol forms on small motes
of dust in the cloud, and then,
as the motes angle in
closer towards the star and
heat up, the alcohol is
released from the motes in gaseous
form. There you have
it: an alcohol cloud.
As Dave Bowman might say, "My
God! It's full of booze!"
Enough with the science lesson,
you say. Just tell me how
to GET there! Sorry, Chuckles
You can't get there from
here. The gas cloud (which,
by the way, has the utterly
romantic name of "G34.3") is
10,000 light years away: 58
quadrillion miles. Even
if you hijacked the shuttle and
headed out with thrusters on
full, by the time you got
there, the guy in Purgatory
would be done with his tune.
You'd have had time to work
up a powerful thirst, but
you'd also be, in a word, dead.
No, the Space Beer Cloud will
have to wait for the far
future, when men can leap through
the universe at warp
speed. One can only imagine
what they will do when they
get there:
Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu!
What....is....THAT?
Sulu: It's a free floating
cloud of alcohol, sir.
Kirk: We've just run out
of Romulan Ale!
Could it be a trap, Bones?
Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor,
not a distiller of fine spirits!
Kirk: We need that booze!
If we fly through
that cloud, we'll be too drunk to drive!
Spock: May I remind you, Jim,
that I am a Vulcan.
We are a race of designated drivers.
Kirk: Well, all righty.
Spock, drive us through!
Bones and I will be out on the hull.
With our mouths... open!
To boldly drink what no man
has drank before.
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Subj: Bier
Study (S561b)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/22/2007
Consider these facts:
A recent study found the average
American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study found the average
American drinks,
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans
get about
41 miles to the gallon.
It Makes You Proud To Be An American
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| Subj:
Beer Temperature Tester (S453b)
From: darrell94590 on 9/20/2005 . |
 |
To this end, advanced studies
candidates in the Graduate
Engineering Department of Texas
A?M University have
developed an easily used fully
portable Beer Temperature
Tester which easily indicates
whether the beverage is
acceptably chilled or not.
To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glass.
You can view the Tester in use by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Beer Launching Frig (S535)
From: darrell94590 on 4/18/2007 Picture from Attytood.com |
Have you ever gotten up off the
couch to get a beer for the
umpteenth time and thought,
"What if instead of ME going to
get the BEER, the BEER came
to ME???" Well, that was how
John Cornwell first conceived
of the beer launching fridge.
About 3 months and several hundred
dollars later, Jon has a
fully automated, remote controlled,
catapulting, man-pit
approved, beer launching mini-fridge.
It holds 10 beers in
its magazine with 14 more in
reserve to store a full case.
It is controlled by a keyless
entry system. Pressing unlock
will start the catapult rotating
and when it is aiming at
your target, pressing unlock
again will stop it. Then the
lock button can be pressed to
launch a beer in the selected
direction. You can view
it in action on the Letterman Show
in this 6,300 KB movie on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.
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| Subj:
How To Drink Five Beers At Once (S542b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/27/2007 . |
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Subj:
Foreign Beer Commercial (S563b)
From: AFine963 on 11/3/2007 |
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| Subj:
VB Stubby Symphony (S567)
From: rfslick on 11/29/2007 Source: http://vbsymphony.com.au/view/ |
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You can view this Australian,
beer commercial at the
source above, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj:
Miller Beer Ad (S588c)
From: rfslick on 4/19/2008 |
You can view this fake beer ad on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
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| Subj:
How Bad Do You Want A Beer? (S591b)
From: cappucinid on /15/2008 |
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You can view this unusual picture on my site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Smiley drinks beer from
Smiley_Central |