Subj: Drinking Beer1
(Includes 29 jokes and articles, 14 1066n,16,cLf,wXT2a5a,12)
Beer Drinking Alien
Also see ARTIST-SUPP - 'Beer
Can Model Cars'
BOTTLE_CAPS - 'Vermont's Magic Hat Brewery Bottle Cap Slogans'
......................- (The Whole File)
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'The Brewery'
BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Parrots - Whassup Video'
HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Ripley's Believe It Or Not'
HOWTO file - 'Bud Light Pick-up Line' - Video
MONKEY file - 'I.B.C. Rootbeer Commercial'
MOVIES file - 'Beer Stand'
SuperHeroes - 'Superfriends Wazzup' - Video
Subj: The Three Stooges' Curly And Strong Drink (S942d-Object)
From: Liz McCluskey Barber on Facebook
..........Click 'HERE' to watch Curly have a strong drink.
Bud Light Super Bowl Ad - Real Life PacMan
Created by Bud Light (S942d-Object)
From: The Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
||This is the Bud Light
Super Bowl XLIX - Real
Life PacMan Commercial. In a #UpForWhatever
messages on Bud Light bottles, you might get
led into a real-life game of PacMan like this
Bud Light fan. Click 'HERE' to see this great ad.
Russian Beer Ad #1 (S506c,d-iFrame)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/06 (in Russian)
Click 'HERE' to see this short, cute, hot Russian commercial.
Subj: How About A Beer? (S105, S717)
From: thebartend on 99-01-27
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung the wash out to
dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick
up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to
herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought,
"Vy nodt?" so she walked
in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and
asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is
so hot I tink I'll have myself
zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell
fine, tanks, und how's yer
Russian Beer Ad #2 (S506c,d-iFrame in Russian)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006
Click 'HERE' to see this Russian Beer Commercial (Blonde Arm Wrestler).
Subj: Man Sues Bush (S415b)
From: igiggle on 1/1/2005
A beer-loving man sued Anheuser-Busch
for $100,000, claiming
false advertising and failure to deliver on its promise.
The man stated that regardless of how much Bud Light he
drank, bikini-clad women showering affection on him never
materialized like the commercials implied. To top it off,
he claimed that drinking beer sometimes made him sick. He
sued for "emotional distress" brought on by Anheuser-Busch's
failure to provide "unrestricted merriment." The court ruled
that no matter how much beer he'd had, he still didn't have
Snopes.com has no reference to
this case so this is probably
Subj: Carlton Draught's Big Ad (S493b,d-Object)
From: chrisdaddygon 7/5/2006
..........This Carlton beer ad is big. If you are
..........a beer fan, you will enjoy this majestic
..........commercial. Click 'HERE' to view.
Subj: Bloke Orders Five Pints (S271c)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 21 Oct 97
A bloke goes into a pub, takes
a seat at the bar, and orders
five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the
bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and
lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two,
Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to
the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"
The barman serves up four pints
and lines them on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. He belches
loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more
pints. One after the other, he knocks them back....One,
"Two pintsh, mate!" he calls,
and the barman places two
pints in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the
bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One
pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke
sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to
focus. He looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh
a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
VB Stubby Symphony (S567d-iFrame)
From: rfslick on 11/29/2007
Some of Melbourne's top musicians
play in an advertisement
for Victoria Bitter, Australia's favorite full-strength
beer. You can view this Australian, beer commercial by
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Last 12,000 Years Of History (S460b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/5/2005
History began some 12,000 years ago.
Humans existed as members of
small bands of nomadic
hunter/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in
all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get men to the beer.
These were the foundation of
modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required
grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were
drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
Other men who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as "girlymen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives
came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported
beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary
side note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social
workers, personal injury attorneys,journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conser-
vatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone
who works productively outside government.
Conservative who own companies
hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with
the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in
Foreign Beer Commercial (S563b,d-Object)
From: AFine963 on 11/3/2007
This Fernet Stock beer ad from
Czechloslovakia is quite
cute. Click 'HERE' to see it.
Subj: Free Beer On Internet!! (S434)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005
Please do NOT forward this to
very many people for a little
while, because I\'m going to try to get several cases for
myself (using different names) before they run out of Free
Yes, really! FREE BEER!!!!!
There's an ad for Anheuser-Busch
in the newspapers in
Mexico, and they are having a beer promotion.
If you fill-in the online form
below they\'ll send you a
complimentary (FREE) case of assorted domestic and imported
beers - which is meant to introduce you to their products!
Apparently they have this promotion
going until the end of
this month, or till the first 10,000 cases ship.
If you haven\'t heard about this, jump on it!!!!!
Check it out.....
Subj: Draft Beer Dispensing System (S983d-Object)
From: tom on 11/10/2015
..........Click 'HERE' to see this amazing invention.
Subj: New Date Rape Drink (S274b, S469b,d-On Site)
From: RFSlick on 4/22/2002
and From: DoctorDebt on 1/12/2006
Police warn all male clubbers,
party-goers, and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a
drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market,
called "Beer," is being
used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is
generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in
large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at
parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only
to persuade a guy to consume
a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no-
strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against
this approach. After several "Beers" men will often succumb
to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted. After
drinking "Beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories
of exactly what happened to them the night before, often
with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of
their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a
relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be
shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer
term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage". Apparently men are much more susceptible
to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is
offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning
to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and
the predatory women administering it, there are male
support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open
and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
| Courses" in the
For a video to see how beer works click 'HERE'.
Subj: Hydrogen Beer (S168)
..........From: icohen on 4/19/00
TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for
hydrogen beer is at the heart
of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira
Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation.
Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic
substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm
leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for
defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews
"Suiso" brand beer, where the
carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by
the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect
of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-
along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas
lighter than air. Because hydrogen
molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more
rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas
can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting
this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts
on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso
The flammable nature of hydrogen
has also become another selling
point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a
deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of
blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition
source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue
flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs
everywhere. "Mr Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had
not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened.
Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training
before they are allowed to deal with customers", said Mr Takashi
Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.
"Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles
of hydrogen beer in order to
maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest.
He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be
proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the
judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the
singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of
"He took exception to the result
and hurled blue fireballs at the
judge, singeing the front of Mrs Mifune's hair, entirely removing
her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby
customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When
our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them,
making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer
had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr Otoma's knees, knocking
his legs from under him."
"The laws of physics are not
to be disobeyed, and the force that
propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his centre
of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity.
It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his
own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own
fault he swallowed that cigarette."
"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility
for the subsequent
internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third
degree burns to his oesophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding
gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness
and loss of employment are his own fault."
Mr Otoma was unavailable for comment.
Subj: Beer's Place In History (S98)
From: icohen on 98-12-11
It was the accepted practice
in Babylonia 4,000 years ago
that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"
or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
Before thermometers were invented,
brewers would dip a
thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature
for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow.
Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer
is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered
by pints and quarts. So
in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and
settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims
landed at Plymouth Rock.
It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't
want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log
goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore
and made to drink water that the seamen might have the
After consuming a bucket or two
of vibrant brew they called
aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle
often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term
"berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took
on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the
British fleet decided to
water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors
weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog",
after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term
"grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.
When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".
Many years ago in England, pub
frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some
service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by
Now you can appreciate the importance
of BEER throughout
Subj: Mallard Cartoon (S1065)
By Bruce Tinsley on 5/24/2017
Subj: Beer And Brain Cells (S82, S612)
From: darrellvip on 9/29/2008
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff
Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or
even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human
brain can operate only as
fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical
signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown
that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain
cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more
The result of this in-depth study
verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related
performance. It also explains why, after a few short years
of leaving university and getting married, most professionals
cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels
that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As
our country is losing its
technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get
back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and
country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't
deny yourself the career that you could have.
Subj: The "BEER ME" Diet (S82)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
FACT: A lite beer has between
70 and 100 calories, is almost
all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
FACT: The average diet recommends
a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want
to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On
the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages
a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is
a diuretic, which causes the
water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a
consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends
(getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for
your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually
helps you sleep-even when
you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is
certain to help any problems you may have experienced
in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other
fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes
for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise
if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good
for your heart. After
just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is
medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you
can eat anything you
want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food
until you have consumed at least half of the day's
required beers. This way the food will probably only
stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise
the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the
"lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often
done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is
a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members
of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize
your workout, try actually walking up to the bar,
versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme,
you could even get up and get someone else a beer-
perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny
Craig. Based on these
facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet
plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat
junk food and basically be
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing
by the liquor store and
stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and
begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women,
15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required)
and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food
that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly
if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin.
Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food,
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle,
noticing that your
appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet
half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing
discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a
good thing, as only half-consumption means less than
1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory
sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but
it can be successfully implemented year-round. There
is some major professional sport being played every
day of the year except the day before and the day
after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up).
Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the
entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner
all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work,
feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin
preparation for the upcoming weekend.
Subj: DrSeus on Beer (S393)
From: Imogenelumen on 8/5/2004
Subj: Penny Beer (S230)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-13
and From: gheckman on 6/23/2001
A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer. "Certainly, sir,
that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes." So
the guy glances over at the
menu, and he asks, " Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,
with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the
bartender, "but all
that comes to real money." "
How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Subj: World's Best Beer (S37, S448b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04
After the Great Britian Beer
Festival, in London, all the
brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from corona sits down
and says "Hey Senor, I would
like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts
off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd
like the best beer in the
world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The
bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd
like the only beer made with
Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down
and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he
The other brewery presidents
look over at him and ask "Why
aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president
replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither
Beer Temperature Tester (S453b)
From: darrell94590 on 9/20/2005
To this end, advanced studies
candidates in the Graduate
Engineering Department of Texas A?M University have
developed an easily used fully portable Beer Temperature
Tester which easily indicates whether the beverage is
acceptably chilled or not.
To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glass.
You can view the Tester in use by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Beer And Ice Cream Diet (S40)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie
to heat 1 gram of water
1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this
means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting
of water in large part), the natural processes which raise
the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive
cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available
source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served
and eaten at near 0 degrees C
(32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal
body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each
gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37
calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is
6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic
law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is
Allowing for the 1,200 latent
calories in the dessert, the
net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert
you eat,the better off you
are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well
when drinking very cold beer
in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent
calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz.
portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the
net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It
doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the
body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream,
are even more beneficial,
since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to
0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them
to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable,
and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who
eat pizza as an excuse to drink
beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above
body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully,
as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious
solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up
immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were
to adhere religiously to a
pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Beer Launching Frig (S535d-Object)
From: darrell94590 on 4/18/2007
Picture from Attytood.com
Have you ever gotten up off the
couch to get a beer for the
umpteenth time and thought, "What if instead of ME going to
get the BEER, the BEER came to ME???" Well, that was how
John Cornwell first conceived of the beer launching fridge.
About 3 months and several hundred dollars later, Jon has a
fully automated, remote controlled, catapulting, man-pit
approved, beer launching mini-fridge. It holds 10 beers in
its magazine with 14 more in reserve to store a full case.
It is controlled by a keyless entry system. Pressing unlock
will start the catapult rotating and when it is aiming at
your target, pressing unlock again will stop it. Then the
lock button can be pressed to launch a beer in the selected
direction. You can view it in action on the Letterman Show
in this video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Two Guys In Life Boat Find Genie (S241)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #186
and From: BennoRo on 9/9/2001
Two guys, of limited intelligence,
were on a ship that sank
in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a
rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their
ship slipped under the surface. After floating under
blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat,
thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object,
floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they
were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the
kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed
it. Out popped a tired
old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid
lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a
while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys
only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good
The first guy, blurted out, without
thinking, "Give us
all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he
instantly turned the
entire Ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein", said
the second guy, slapping the
first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have
to piss in the boat."
How To Drink Five Beers At Once (S542b)
From: darrell94590 on 5/27/2007
Subj: Beer In Space (S39)
This week, a million fraternity
brothers rushed to join NASA.
The reason: scientists have discovered beer in space. Well,
not beer exactly. They did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to
be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic
drinks (antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are
exempted from this category). Three British scientists,
Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing,
discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas
cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the
mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).
Millar and his compatriots have
estimated the size of this
gas cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our
own solar system; there's enough alcohol out there, they
say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer. These
guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this
in terms of American beer (which the British, with some
justification, regard as fermented club soda), the amount
of potential brewski just about doubles. In human terms:
remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your
Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine
throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next
30 billion years. You'd STILL have beer left over. And
boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one
could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer,
except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.
The sheer volume of all this
alcohol begs the question of
how it managed to get out there in the first place. Despite
the simplifying effect it has on the human brain, ethyl
alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon atoms,
five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting
together in beery camaraderie. It's not a compound that is
going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space.
It can lead to speculation: What is this cloud?
It's God's beer. After
all, He worked for six days creating
the universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. After you
have had a hard week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer?
Since man is made in God's image, it could be that this
cloud is the remaining evidence of the first, best Miller
It's Purgatory ("400 trillion
trillion bottles of beer on
the wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one
down, pass it around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion,
nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-
nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion,
nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred
ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of
beer on the wall!")
Proof of an undeniably highly
advanced but chronically
dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky,
however: it's reasonable to assume that if the aliens were
going to construct a nebula of alcohol, they'd also have
large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for snacking.
Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them. The
truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the
middle of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite
inebriated star. As the star heats up and contracts,
sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a smaller area,
complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction
between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes
of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in
closer towards the star and heat up, the alcohol is
released from the motes in gaseous form. There you have
it: an alcohol cloud. As Dave Bowman might say, "My
God! It's full of booze!"
Enough with the science lesson,
you say. Just tell me how
to GET there! Sorry, Chuckles You can't get there from
here. The gas cloud (which, by the way, has the utterly
romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years away: 58
quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and
headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got
there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune.
You'd have had time to work up a powerful thirst, but
you'd also be, in a word, dead.
No, the Space Beer Cloud will
have to wait for the far
future, when men can leap through the universe at warp
speed. One can only imagine what they will do when they
Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?
Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.
Kirk: We've just run out of Romulan Ale!
Could it be a trap, Bones?
Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor,
not a distiller of fine spirits!
Kirk: We need that booze! If we fly through
that cloud, we'll be too drunk to drive!
Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan.
We are a race of designated drivers.
Kirk: Well, all righty. Spock, drive us through!
Bones and I will be out on the hull.
With our mouths... open!
To boldly drink what no man has drank before.
Miller Beer Ad (S588c)
From: rfslick on 4/19/2008
You can view this fake beer ad by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Bier Study (S561b)
From: SCOTCOB on 10/22/2007
Consider these facts:
A recent study found the average
American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study found the average
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans
41 miles to the gallon.
It Makes You Proud To Be An American
How Bad Do You Want A Beer? (S591b)
From: cappucinid on /15/2008
You can view this unusual picture by clicking 'HERE'.