Subj: Body Parts Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 49 jokes and articles)
The file is called 'Eyes_n_Ears'
Butt Head
from
Millanimations
>>>
| >>>
Subj: Body Parts Jokes (Gz) (Includes 49 jokes and articles) The file is called 'Eyes_n_Ears' |
|
Butt Head from Millanimations >>> |
Also see ANIMALS-OTHRS- 'Snake
Sees Doctor For Glasses'
ASIA file - 'Hindu
Women's Red Spot'
BAR1 file - 'Is
It Plastic Or Rubber?'
BLONDE2 file - 'Where
Babies Come From'
COWS-SHEP-SUP- 'How Sheep
Pick Their Nose'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Struck
In Head By Train'
......................-
'Man
Looses His Face'
......................-
'Shot
In Head With Arrow'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Bungee
Jumping'
DATING1 file - 'Guy
Meets Girl At Mailbox'
......................-
'Man
Catches Woman's Glass Eye'
DIFFERENCES1 - 'Female
Brain Cell In A Man'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Man
Swallows His Glass Eye'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Delivering
A Skeleton'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Doctor
Riddle'
DOG1 file - 'Hairy
Dog Is Hard Of Hearing'
DRINKING - 'Coming
Home After Week End Binge'
.........ELDERLY2
file- 'Ellie Wants
SUPERSEX'
......................-
'Two Old Men And A Hearing
Aid'
ELDERLY4 file- 'Elderly
Accident - Poem'
FACTS4 file - 'Anton's
Polish Nose'
FART file - 'Silent
Fart'
FAT file - 'Dirty
Picture In The Refrigerator'
GOLF3 file - 'Three
Deaf Retirees Play Golf'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Man
Gets Bionic Arm'
......................-
'True
Hospital Stories'
JOBS1 file - 'Who's
In Charge'
JOBS3 file - 'Boss
w/No Ears Needs New Employee'
KIDS1 file - 'Wooden
Eye'
KIDS2 file - 'Losing
A Contact Lens In Basketball'
......................-
'Momma
Is Gonna Eat Your Fingers'
......................-
'Girl
Asked Mom About White Hair'
LETTERS2 file- 'A Love Letter
MEN1 file - 'Conservative
Man Wears Earring'
PENIS2 file - 'Body
Builder Strips'
PHONE file - 'Cell
Phone Holder'
PHONE-SUPP - 'Mosquito
Ringtones'
SCOTTISH file- 'The
Gleam In Your Eye'
SEX DRAWINGS - 'Eye Chart'
SEX2 file - 'Eye Chart'
SHIPS file - 'Elderly
Lady w/Hat On Ship'
SKIING file - 'Writing Your Name
In The Snow'
TESTS1 file - 'Intriguing
Intelligence Test'
THOUGHTS-LND2- 'How
To Survive A Heart Attack Alone' in NonJokes
TREES file - 'What
Do You Hear?'
WAITER-WAITRS- 'Waitress
w/Thumb In The Food'
WOMEN3 file - 'What
Women Think About Their Ass'
===========================================================Top
| Subj:
Spot The Imposter (S540b in Polit-Supp)
From: AFine963 on 5/15/2007 |
 |
Four of these five people are
Republicans, the other is a
Democrat. Click 'HERE'
to test your observational skills.
\\\//
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Subj: Body
Part Quiz (S580c)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 3/1/2008
Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/03-01-08.html
1. What is the largest number
of fingers and
toes ever possessed
by one person?
2. What is the longest recorded
attack of hiccupping?
Of sneezing?
Of yawning?
3. How many square feet of skin
cover the human body?
4. How much of the body is made
up of bones?
The solution can be found on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
\\\//
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Subj: Needing
Surgery On A Bad Ear (S443)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/19/2005
My cousin is in a bad spot. He's
got a bad inner ear problem
that needs surgery soon, or
he'll lose his hearing on that
side. He has no insurance, though,
and the cost is WAY too
much for him. He does have a
way out, though. A local elderly
widow has offered to pay for
the operation, but only if he'll
marry her, afterwards! She's
50 years older than him! You
could call it a wife or deaf
situation.
\\\//
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Subj: Boy
Cries Over Freckles (S338)
From: kmacinty on 7/13/2003
Note, this is a warm story, not a joke.
An elderly woman and her little
grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles,
spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of children were waiting
in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who
was decorating them with
tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles,
there's no place to paint!"
a girl in the line said to the
little fella. Embarrassed,
the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next
to him. "I love your
freckles. When I was a
little girl I always wanted
freckles, she said, while tracing
her finger across the
child's cheek. "Freckles are
beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grand-
mother. "Why, just name
me one thing that's prettier than
freckles."
The little boy thought for a
moment, peered intensely into
his grandma's face, and softly
whispered, "Wrinkles."
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Women Discuss Cosmetic Surgery (S322)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/6/2003
Two women were having lunch together,
and discussing
the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says,
"I need to be honest with you,
I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's
nothing, I'm thinking
of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first
replies, "Whoa, I just can't
picture your husband as a
blonde!"
\\\//
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Subj: Young
Couple Goes To Mountains (S265)
From: thebartend on 2/25/2002
(See 'Amish
Mother And Daughter' in AMISH
and 'Cold
Hands Between The Legs' in DATING1)
Two young lovers go up to the
mountains for a romantic
winter vacation. When
they get there, the guy goes out
to chop some wood. When
he gets back, he says, "Honey,
my hands are freezing!" She
says, "Well put them here
between my legs and that will
warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out
to chop some more wood and
comes back and says again, "Man!
My hands are really
freezing!" She says again,
"Well put them here between
my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms
him up. After dinner, he
goes out one more time to chop
wood for the night. When
he returns, he again says, "Honey,
my hands are really
freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For
crying out loud, don't
your *ears* ever get cold?"
\\\//
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Subj: Blonde
Sees Eye Doctor (S234, S461)
From: RFSlick on 7/26/2001
The blonde went to an eye doctor
to have her eyes checked
for glasses. The doctor
directed her to read various
letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on
which eye was which that
the eye doctor in disgust took
a paper sack with a hole
to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked
her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the
blonde had tears streaming down
her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's
no need to get emotional
about glasses." "I know,"
agreed the blonde, "But I kind
of had my heart set on wire
frames."
\\\//
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Subj: Eyeball
Jewelry (S387)
From: jerry on 6/21/2004
The latest fashion trend in the
Netherlands is eyeball
jewelry where an eye surgeon
implants a piece of jewelry,
3.5 mm wide, into the mucus
membranes of the eye itself.
The procedure costs between
$800 and $1,600. It has proven
popular and there is a waiting
list.
Australian Broadcasting Corp
8-Apr-04
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Wife Is Hard Of Hearing (S354b)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/7/2003
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared
his wife was getting hard
of hearing. So one day
he called her doctor to make an
appointment to have her hearing
checked. The Doctor made
an appointment for a hearing
test in two weeks, and mean-
while there's a simple informal
test the husband could do
to give the doctor some idea
of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the
doctor, "start out about
40 feet away from her, and in
a normal conversational
speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on
until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in
the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room.
He says to himself, "I'm
about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a
normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for supper?" He hears
no response. So the husband
moved to the other end of
the room, about 30 feet from
his wife and repeats, "Honey,
what's for supper ?" Still
he hears no response.
Next he moves into the dining
room where he is about 20
feet from his wife and asks,
"Honey, what's for supper?"
Again he gets no response so
he walks up to the kitchen
door, only 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
Again there is no response,
so he walks right up behind
her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"
(I just love this!)
"Damn it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Man Gets Hearing Aid (S222)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/1/2001
An elderly gentleman had serious
hearing problems for a
number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.
The elderly gentleman went back
in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing
is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said,
"Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
\\\//
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Subj: Having
No Ears
From: humorlist-digest V1 #196 on 97-09-10 07
(Also see 'Boss
w/No Ears Needs New Employee' in JOBS3)
There was this man who was in
a horrible accident, and was
injured. But the only
permanent damage he suffered was
the amputation of both of his
ears. As a result of this
"unusual" handicap, he was very
self-conscious.
Because of the accident, he received
a large sum of money
from the insurance company.
It was always his dream to
own his own business, so he
decided with all this money
he had, he now had the means
to own a business.
So he went out and purchased
a small, but expanding
computer firm. He realized,
however, that he had no
business knowledge at all.
So he decided that he would
have to hire someone to run
the business.
He picked out three top candidates,
and interviewed each
of them. The first interview
went really well. He really
liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate
was "Do you notice anything
unusual about me?"
The candidate said, "Now that
you mention it, you have no
ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even
better than the first.
This candidate was much better
than the first. Again, to
conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question
again, "Do you notice anything
unusual about me?"
This candidate also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."
The man was really upset again,
and threw the second
candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.
The third candidate was
even better than the second,
the best out of all of them.
Almost certain that he wanted
to hire this guy, the man
once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"
The candidate replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked,
"Wow! That's quite perceptive
of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and
said, "Well, You can't wear
glasses if you don't have any
f---ing ears!"
\\\//
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Subj: Baby
Born Without Ears (S313)
From: JBCARY1 on 1/27/2003
Little Johnny's next door neighbor
had a baby. Unfortunately,
the little baby was born without
ears. When they arrived
home from the hospital, the
parents invited little Johnny's
family to come over and see
their new baby. Little Johnny's
parents were very afraid their
son would have a wise crack
to say about the baby.
So, little Johnny's Dad had a long
talk with little Johnny before
going to the neighbors. He
said, "Now, son...that poor
baby was born without any ears.
I want you to be on your best
behavior and not say one word
about his ears, or I'm really
going to spank your butt hard
when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his
missing ears at all," said
little Johnny. At the
neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned
over the crib and touched the
baby's hand. He looked at
it's mother and said, "Oh, what
a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself
for Johnny's comment, was
pleasantly surprised and said,
"Thank you very much, little
Johnny."
Then Johnny said, "This baby
has perfect little hands and
perfect little feet. Why,
just look at his pretty little
eyes! Did his doctor say
he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered,
hesitantly replies "Why,
yes... his doctor said he has
20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it
is a good thing, 'cause he
sure as fuck can't wear glasses."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Ear And Sex (S41, S355)
From: cohen#il on 97-10-30
and
From: thebartend on 11/19/2003
(Also see 'Who
enjoys sex more?'in DIFFERENCES2)
A man and a woman were having
drinks when they got into an
argument about who enjoyed sex
more. The man said, "Men
obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think
we're so obsessed with getting
laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything,"
the woman countered. "Think
about this: When your ear itches
and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which
feels better your ear or your
finger?
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Body Part Jokes
| Subj:
Hemorrhoid Remedy (S571c)
From: Dr. Peter Gott in Vallejo Times Herald on 11/29/2007 |
 |
|
|
Subj:
Vitamine B6 And Frequent Urination (S570b)
From: Dr. Peter Gott in Vallejo Times Herald on 12/25/2007 |
| Subj:
Men Regrowing Hair (S566c)
From: Dr. Peter Gott in Vallejo Times Herald on 11/27/2007 |
|
 |
Subj:
Gay Finger Test (S547 in Gays)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/14/2007 |
| Subj:
Hearing Aids - Cartoon (S498c)
From: darrell94590 on 8/8/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
If My Body Were A Car (S473b)
From: redcatt on 2/7/2006 |
| Subj:
Online Eye Chart (S467)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/31/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
WMV Movie - Sneezy (S463)
From: darrell94590 on 12/6/2005 |
| Subj:
Color Blindness Test (S460)
From: EyeTricks.com on 11/14/2005 Source: http://www.eyetricks.com/colorblindtest.htm |
 |
 |
Subj: World Beard and
Moustache Championships (S459)
From: igiggle on 11/8/2005 |
| Subj:
Amazing Eyes (S446b)
From: darrell94590 on 8/5/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: How
Smart Is Your Right Foot? (S368, S549b)
From: Imogenelumen on 2/8/2004
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/21/2007
This is so funny that it will
boggle your mind. And you
will keep trying at least 50
more times to see if you can
outsmart your foot, but you
can't.
While sitting at your desk, lift
your right foot off the
floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this,
draw the number "6" in the air
with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction!
Top
Subj: When
Our Body Grows Old (S347b)
From: woneye on 9/20/2003
A husband and wife are getting
ready for bed. The wife is
standing in front of a full
length mirror taking a hard
look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I
look in the mirror and I see
an old woman. My face
is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely
above my waist, my butt is hanging
out a mile. I've got
fat legs and my arms are all
flabby"
She turns to her husband and
says..... "Tell me something
positive to make me feel better
about myself"
He thinks about it for a bit
and then says "well......
there's nothing wrong with your
eyesight".
Top
Subj: Artificial
Assholes (S254b)
From: pns on 12/15/2001
In August, the Food and Drug
Administration approved the
artificial Neosphincter, a prescription-required,
pump-
operated device to give relief
for otherwise-hopelessly
incontinent people; although
the device recorded too many
"adverse incidents" in trials
to be marketed to the general
population, it claimed a 90
percent success rate for
patients specially trained in
its use. [Yahoo News-Reuters,
8-17-01]
Top
Subj: A What
Is It Riddle
LABLaughs.com on 9/5/2001
A hole leading in, a hole leading
out, we connect to a
cavern that is slimey all throughout.
What are we?
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
Answer:
Nose
Top
Subj: Old
Man’s Hearing Aid Doesn’t Work (S214)
From: KMACINTY on 3/9/2001
(Also see 'Two
Old Ladies And The Suppository' in ELDERLY@-SUPP)
A very old man came in and told
the Audiologist his hearing aid
was not working. She checked
his ear and found a suppository
in its foil wrapping.
Removing it and showing the patient,
elicits the following from the
patient - "You know where that
means my hearing aid is?"
Top
Subj: Removing
The Husbands Glasses (S213)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/3/2001
Soon after our last child left
home for college, my husband
was resting next to me on the
couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly,
"Without your glasses
you look like the same handsome
young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin,
"Without my glasses, you
still look pretty good too!"
Top
Subj: Senility
Prayer (S192)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/6/00
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
Top
Subj: World's
Best Hearing Aid (S136, S403b)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 9/2/99
and
From: ICohen on 10/5/2004
A man tells his friend that
he has bought the best, most
expensive hearing aid in the
world. He goes on to say that
it is invisible in the ear,
it is so comfortable you don't
even realize it's there, and
the battery lasts for years.
The friend asked "How much did it cost?"
He replied "It cost me four thousand
dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect."
Really," answered the friend. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
About 20% of all adults in the
US have or have had a
cockroach that called their
inner ear canal HOME. They
enter while you sleep! This
rates a good 10 on the
ewwww-yuck scale and right up
there with the fact that
many of us have eaten a spider
in our sleep tooooo
His friend asks him, "What kind is it?"
"A quarter past four," he answers.
In Michigan a state law stipulates
that a woman's hair
legally belongs to her husband....
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon
than the rest of
the day.
Our eyes are always the same
size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
The average person is about a
quarter of an inch taller
at night.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose
approximately 2 teeth
every 10 yrs.
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
Your stomach has to produce a
new layer of mucus every
two weeks otherwise it will
digest itself.
4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Why Yawning Is Contagious:
You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums.
This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures,
so they must yawn to even it
out.
From: smiles on 5/5/99
Our eyes are always the same
size from birth,
but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
From: igiggle on 6/8/2003 (S322b)
Randy: She sure gave you a dirty
look.
Brian: Who?
Randy: Mother Nature.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/16/2003 (S333b)
True silence is the rest of
the mind; it is to the spirit
what sleep is to the body, nourishment
and refreshment.
-- William Penn
From: RFSlick on 8/27/2003 (S343b)
It's physically impossible for
you to lick your elbow.
Almost everyone who reads this
email will try to lick
their elbow. P.S. So, did you
try to lick your elbow????
From: woneye on 8/27/2003 (S344b)
If you're too open-minded, your
brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people
think; they don't do
it very often.
\\\//
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 |
The Nose comes from
Smiley_Central |