food_etc

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Subj: Food, Cooking, And Recipe Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 77 jokes and articles)

Includes the following: Pumpkin Pie (S461)
........................The Lemonade Stand (S280b)
........................MacDonald's Soliloquy (S278b)
........................Meat Substitute (S266)
........................God And The Devil Create Food (S264, S589c)
........................Dad's Brownies (S245)
........................Man Eats His Words (S243b)
........................The Inexperienced Chili Taster (S450b)
........................Eating Fish Heads (S223)
........................The 100GB Bug (S134)
........................Dieters Night Before Christmas
........................New Diet (S95)
........................Kitchen Wisdom (S78)
........................How To Cook A Berkeley Student
........................Holiday Fruit Cake Recipe (S143, S357b)
........................Holiday Party Kit!
........................Part of: A Little History From the 1500s
Short Cooking Jokes
.............................Can Food Art (S469)
.............................Good Morning - Animated GIF (S467b)
.............................Cakes As Art (S447)
.............................Riddle - Which Is Not A Berry? (S282b)
.............................Riddle - What Food Is This (S257)
.............................Dietician's Speech (S136, S358)
.............................German At New York's McDonalds
.............................Ordering Six McNuggets (S218)
.............................Hyena Swallows Oxo Cube (S140)
.............................Diet Definition: (S131B)

This very pleasant SWF movie shows you how to make a pumpkin
pie. The background jazz music is "She'll be comin' round
the mountain". You can view it at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

If it doesn't play, try this second version by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     The Lemonade Stand (S280b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/13/2002

There was a business man driving down this country road
when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand--
it being hot and him being thirsty-- he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a
sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents", well, he
thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it
was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to
get some anyway.

Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole
glass in one swig. He slapped it back onto the table
and says, "fill 'er up." and the kid says, "sure thing,
that'll be 10 cents."

To this the business man says, "but your sign says all
you can drink for a dime."

"It is," the little boy replies, "that's all you can
drink for a dime."

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Subj:     MacDonald's Soliloquy (S278b)
          From: Cypriot on 5/31/2002

         MacDonald's Soliloquy
       or, Parody after Macbeth
             Gregory Lam
              Feb. 5/96

Is this a burger which I see before me,
The soft bun in my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.
I eat thee not, and yet I want thee still.
Art thou not, gourmet's vision, sensible
To taste as to sight? or art thou but
A burger of the mind, a false dinner,
Proceeding from the meat-oppressed stomach?
I see thee yet, in form as palatable
As this cracker which now I chew.
Thou nourish'st me on the way that I was going,
And such condiments I was to use!
Mine mouth are made the fools o' the other senses,
The calories worth all the rest; I see thee still,
And on thy plate and Happy Meals of fat,
Which was not so before. There's no such food:
It is the bloody diet which informs
Thus to mine eyes. Now o'er the Weight Watchers
Tastebuds seem dead, and raw salads abuse
The growling bowels; famished celebrate
Jenny Craig's offerings, and wither'd hunger,
Alarum'd by his sentinel, the bathroom scale,
Laughs as it watches, thus with his mocking numbers.
With Hamburglar's ravishing strides, towards his goal
I move like a ghost. Thou warm and delicious beef,
Hear not my teeth, which way they chew, for fear
My very swallows prate of my gluttony,
And take the present mirror from the room,
When now suits do not fit. Whiles I starve, he lives:
Buffets to the heat of charbroiled chicken gives.

[A bell rings.]

I go, and it is done; the microwave bell invites me.
Hear it not, Tongue; for it is a knell
That summons thy mouth to heaven and thy body to hell.

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Subj:     Meat Substitute (S266)
          From: jerry on 3/6/2002

A meat substitute made from fungus, popular in Europe, has
just gotten approval from the U.S. Food and Drug Adminis-
tration for sale in the U.S. It will be sold under the
trade name Quorn.

The fungus can be made into all your favorite foods,
including chicken-like nuggets, lasagna, fettuccine Alfredo,
and ground beef.

And what is especially so great about it is that if you
don't finish the food and you leave it unrefrigerated all
night, by the morning, it 'll make more of itself!

The fungus was found growing on farms near London in the
1960s. Its long strands could mimic the fibrous tissue of
meat.

And what's the potential for it being a hit here in the
finicky food belt? They say it has potential so long as
the word "fungus" doesn't appear on the label.

Associated Press via WKMG (Orlando) 4-Mar-02

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Subj:     God And The Devil Create Food (S264, S589c)
          From: gheckman on 2/12/2002
Drawing from Flickr.com

To view this wonderful, long story, and PowerPoint Show,
click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Dad's Brownies (S245)
          From: kmacinty on 10/10/2001

A father of some teenage children had the family rule that
they could not attend PG-13 or R rated movies.

His three teens wanted to see a particular popular movie
that was playing at local theaters. It was rated PG-13.

The teens interviewed friends and even some members of
their family's church to find out what was offensive in
the movie.

The teens made a list of pros and cons about the movie to
use to convince their dad that they should be allowed to
see it.

The con's were:
*It contained ONLY 3 swear words
*The ONLY violence was a building exploding
(and you see that on TV all the time they said),
*You actually did not "see" the couple in the movie having
sex, it was just implied sex, off camera.

The pros were:
*It was a popular movie, (a blockbuster).
*Everyone was seeing it.
*If the teens saw the movie then they would not feel
left out when their friends discussed it.
*The movie contained a good story and plot.
*It had some great adventure and suspense in it.
*There were some fantastic special effects in this movie.
*The movie's stars were some of the most talented
actos in Hollywood.
*It probably would be nominated for several awards.
*Many of the members of their Christian church had even
seen the movie and said it wasn't "very bad."

They then said that, since there were more pros than cons
the teens said they were asking their father to reconsider
his position on just this ONE movie and let them have
permission to go see it.

The father looked at the list and thought for a few minutes.
He said he could tell his children had spent some time and
thought on this request. He asked if he could have a day
to think about it before making his decision.

The teens were thrilled thinking, "Now we've got him!
Our argument is too good! Dad can't turn us down!"

So, they happily agreed to let him have a day to think
about their request.

The next evening the father called his three teenagers,
who were smiling smugly, into the living room.

There on the coffee table he had a plate of brownies.

The teens were puzzled.

The father told his children he had thought about their
request and had decided that if they would eat one of
these brownies, then he would let them go to the movie.

But, he explained, just like the movie, the brownies
had pros and cons.

The pros were:
*They were made with the finest chocolate and other
good ingredients.
*They had the added special effect of yummy walnuts in them.
*The brownies were moist and fresh with wonderful
chocolate frosting on top.
*He had made these fantastic brownies using an
award-winning recipe.
*And best of all, the brownies had been made lovingly
by the hand of their own father.

The brownies only had one con:
*He had included a little bit of a special ingredient.
The brownies also contained just a little bit of dog
poop. But he had mixed the dough well and they
probably would not even be able to taste the dog poop
and he had baked it at 350 degrees so any bacteria or
germs from the dog poop had probably been destroyed.

Therefore, if any of his children could stand to eat the
brownies which included just a "little bit of crap" and
not be affected by it, then he knew they would also be
able to see the movie with "just a little bit of smut"
and not be affected.

Of course, none of the teens would eat the brownies
and the smug smiles had left their faces.

Only Dad was smiling smugly as they left the room.

Now when his teenagers ask permission to do something
he is opposed to the father just asks, "Would you like
me to whip up a batch of my special brownies?"

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Subj:     Man Eats His Words (S243b)
          From: jerry on 9/27/2001

A man who can eat his words.

James Wannerton of the UK has an odd set of crossed wires
in his head. Whereas you and I, upon hearing certain words,
may find certain feelings associated with them, his mind
instead associates tastes with words.

For example, the word ''motorcycle'' tastes like Rice
Krispies. ''Key'' is a gerbaldi biscuit.

It's called synaesthesia and is rare. Everyone does this
up until 6 months. But almost everyone loses the connection
between sound and taste after that.

It's an odd life. He says he's dumped girlfriends because
their names tasted bad.

Here are a few examples of words and their tastes, according
to James:

Senses = minced beef.
Bike = tangy green wine gums
Derek = ear wax.
Stephen = Sage ? onion stuffing
World = pear drops.
Make = Madeira cakes
Writing = bread and butter
Joke = chocolate biscuit
Require = condensed milk
Newspaper = vinegar chips
London = mashed potato
Friday = fried spam
Sex = hard boiled egg yolk

[ Forgot where I got this from]

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Subj:     The Inexperienced Chili Taster (S450b)
          From: coreymac on 6/18/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 8/29/2005

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who
was visiting Texas from Boston:

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
        remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
        two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
        worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be
        taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
        what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
        wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
        maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
        the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
        more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
        red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose
        feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
        the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite.
        Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
        the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
        from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
        for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
        unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste
        buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
        fresh refills; that 300 pound bitch is starting to look
        HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili
        an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
        adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
        Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
        and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
        people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
        seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
        given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
        bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
        I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
        me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
        Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
        balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
        and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
        gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself
        when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through
        the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
        except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I
        thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
        my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
        peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
       can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should
        note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
        appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
        uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
        and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
        sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
        made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
        chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
        pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn
        shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
        what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
        it's too painful.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
        Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
        it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
        over and pulled the chili pot down on top of him-
        self. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
        feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
        chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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Subj:     Eating Fish Heads (S223)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/7/2001

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the
proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green,
what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But
since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in
on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be
positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't
any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home
with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this
time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4
apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.
You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

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Subj:     The 100GB Bug (S134)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 8/22/99

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our
beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number
of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands
at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or
even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's
signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of
selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote.
So the signs have only two numeric places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger,
McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This,
experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty
years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold,
causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's
products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain
to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in
turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink,
which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global
economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to
live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of
100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging
up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading
for the hills."

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Subj:     Dieters Night Before Christmas
          From: smiles on 98-12-21

    Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
    were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
    had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

    Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
    tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
   The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
   sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

   When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
   a marzipan santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
   That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
   I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

   The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
   I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
   On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
   a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

   From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
   now dash away pounds now dash away all.
   Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
   my clothes were all bulging from too much excess

   My droll little mouth and my round little belly
   they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
   I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
   ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

   And laying a finger beside my heartburn
   I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
   I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
   if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
in the morning I'll starve..'till I take that first bite!

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Subj:     New Diet (S95)
          From: auntieg on 98-11-21

I have finally found a diet I can stick to and wanted to
share it with you. This diet is designed to help you cope
with the stress that builds during the course of the day!

     BREAKFAST
     1/2 grapefruit
     1 slice whole wheat toast
     8 oz. low fat or skim milk

     LUNCH
     4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
     1 cup steamed spinach
     1 cup herbal tea
     1 Oreo cookie

     MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
     Rest of Oreos in pack
     2 pints Haagen Daaz ice cream
     1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream

     DINNER
     2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
     Large sausage and cheese pizza
     4 cans or 1 pitcher of beer
     3 Milky Way candy bars

     LATE EVENING SNACK
     Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly
     from the freezer.

REMEMBER STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!

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Subj:     Kitchen Wisdom (S78)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #182 on 98-07-21

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And
Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen
and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

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Subj:     How to Cook A Berkeley Student

Ingredients:

One large or two small Berkeley Students.
Ketchup.
2 large cloves garlic.
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening.(Lard may be substituted).
1 keg cheap beer.
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts.
2 lbs. assorted health foods, such as tofu or yogurt.

------------------------------------------------------------
First, catch a Berkeley Student. Remove the tail and horns.
Carefully seperate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any
    pencils, calculators, slide rules, or illegal drugs and discard.
Clean the Student as you would squid, but do not seperate the
    tentacles from the body. If you have an older Student, such
    as a Graduate Student in Math, you may wish to tenderize by
    pounding the Student on a rock with a surfboard or other flat
    heavy object.
Next, pour 1/2 of the keg of beer into a bath-tub and soak the
    Student in the beer for at least 12 hours. (If your Student
    belonged to a fraternity you may skip this step.) When the
    Student is sufficiently soaked, remove any clothes the Student
    may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover
    the Student with Crisco, using a slow circular motion, and
    taking care to cover every inch of the Student's body with the
    shortening. If it looks like fun, you may also cover your own
    body with Crisco. Be sure to remove your clothes first, if you
    do.
Now post a request for Rogue source to net.general. Be sure to ask
    what "S.O." and "M.O.T.A.S." mean. Post at least 3 copies
    of this to ensure adequate flames for cooking your Student.
    When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place
    your Student on top of your terminal until it's well tanned and
    the hair turns bleached blond. Be careful not to overcook, or
    the Berkeley Student may become radical. Make a sauce by
    combining the previously reserved ego, the alfafa sprouts, and
    ketchup to taste using cat(1) (see note). Redirect the output
    to your blender and puree' until smooth. Slice the Berkeley
    Student as you would any turkey, and serve accompanied by
    the assorted health foods and the remaining beer.

Yum!,Yum!,
the wharf rat

note: use this command to make the sauce:
cat ego sprouts ketchup >blender |puree

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Subj:     Holiday Fruit Cake Recipe (S143, S357b)
          From: ipkis on 97-12-19
      and From: Imogenelumen on 12/6/2003

You'll need the following:

A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two
cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown
sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it's the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.

Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the
cup of dried fruit.

Mixon the turner.
If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it
loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check fo tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever
you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degree.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

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Subj:     Holiday Party Kit!
          From: auntieg on 97-12-23

Here's the visual shopping list for a dynamite Holiday party!

\???????/ Pretzels!

\66666666/ Shrimp!

\********/ Popcorn!

^?**>^ ^?**>^ Hot steamed Maryland blue crabs : )

\_>?{{{{">_/ Whole Fish Soup!!
Notice how the eyes follow you around the room!

[::] [::] [::] [::] Fig Newtons

(#) (#) (#) Warm peanut butter cookies

\--------/ Chicken soup for all your sick friends

(@) (@) (@) Fresh Cinnamon Rolls!

OooOOoOooO Onion rings

[:::] [:::] [:::] French toast sticks with powdered sugar

======# Celery

\__/ \__/ Chinese Take Out

\ ) ) ) ) ) / (~~~~~) Chips and Dip

@@@@ (_) (_) (_) Chocolate Chip cookies and Moo juice ;)

(|===|)(|===|) Hot dogs

(m) (m) (_) (_) M?M's and Koolaid

o o o o o Single AND O O O O O Double Stuff Oreos!

?) ?) ?) ?) ?) Pizza!

c(__) c(__) Steaming mugs of hot cocoa!

      //
(****)             RootBeer
\    /              Float
l__I

[|||]D [|||]D Root Beer

(_)D (_)D Freshly brewed coffee

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Subj:     Part of: A Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next
day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while -- hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their
bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could
bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share
with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often
with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a
piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often
trenchers were made from stale pays and bread which was so
old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold
got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy
moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got
the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination
would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for
a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait and see if they would wake up hence the
custom of holding a "wake."

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Subj:     Short Cooking Jokes

Top

Subj:     Can Food Art (S469)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 1/13/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19970409
      to http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19970418

NYC Design and Build Canned Goods Competition Architects
and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most
spectacular structure using little more than cans of food.
The exhibit at New York Design Center is open to the public.
At the end of the competition, the 130,000 cans will be
given to the Food Bank of New York City. For more
information, visit http://www.canstruction.org/

You can view fifteen pictures from the competition at the
sources above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     Good Morning - Animated GIF (S467b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles
          on 12/30/2005

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19970312
You can view this cute animated GIF at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     Cakes As Art (S447)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 8/10/2005

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20040523
      to http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20040611
It is hard to believe they are cakes. To view these cakes
go to my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Riddle - Which Is Not A Berry? (S282b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/27/2002

Which of the following is NOT a berry?
    A. strawberry
    B. raspberry
    C. blueberry
    D. huckleberry
    E. pumpkin

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

ANSWER

strawberry. Since the seeds are on the outside of the
fleshy part it is not a berry. In fact, it is not even
a fruit.

Top
Subj: Riddle - What Food Is This (S257)
From: my childhood
What food do you,
Peal off the outside,
Cook the inside,
Eat the outside,
And throw away the inside?

Answer below:
Corn on the cob

Top
Subj:     Dietician's Speech (S136, S358)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 9/2/99
      and From: thebartend on 12/10/2003
A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Shalom
Retirement Home. "The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can
be dirty and disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-
term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all
and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what
food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after you eat it?" After several seconds of quiet,
a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised
his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Top
Subj: German At New York's McDonalds
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/5/99
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City
and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe,
McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the
line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't
serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty
stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised
look, and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here
for the food."

Top
Subj: Ordering Six McNuggets (S218)
From: RFSlick on 4/4/2001
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half
dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered
six McNuggets.

Top
Subj: Hyena Swallows Oxo Cube (S140)
Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube
(beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself!
-- Henry Dermot

Top
Subj: Diet Definition: (S131B)
From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99
The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize
it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

In 1900 sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen
cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be
green.

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and
"Cap'n Crunch Berries" will cause your stool to come
out green.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you
up in the morning.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Almonds are members of which family of fruit?
Almonds are a member of the peach family.

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Honey

It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni,
and about a gallon to clean the pot.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their
favorite smell. Banana

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital
without a McDonalds.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Facts about Americans. Did you know that...
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband
to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic,
onions, or sardines.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should
engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless
their car has curtains.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples
from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat
freezer!

In Baltimore it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no
matter how dirty they get....

From: ossama on 98-08-12 (S352b)
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

From: RFSlick on 98-08-12
A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen
and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #190 on 98-08-15
Bumper Sticker - COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-10 (S102)
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

From: auntieg on 99-01-17 (S103)
"I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up."

From: ossama on 3/22/99 (S113)
Someone hijacked more than $100,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies
in San Jose. No arrests yet, but the suspect is believed to be
4 feet tall, have blue fur and live somewhere on Sesame Street.

From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
Almonds are members of the peach family.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them;
a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/5/2001 (S240)
"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart
in 7-Eleven, okay?" -- Dennis Miller

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/27/2001 (S253)
"Ask not what you can do for your country.
Ask what's for lunch." -- Orson Welles

From: dogbyte on 2/7/2002 (S262)
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for
four.... Unless there are three other people with me."
-- Orson Welles

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/14/2002 (S267c)
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

From: FrankRoesch on 2/10/2002 (S263)
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/7/2002 (S279)
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

From: dogbyte on 6/19/2002
I didn't fight my way to the top of
the food chain to be a vegetarian!

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/14/2002 (S285b)
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten.
They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
-- Anne (a JOTD subscriber)

"Well Wal-Mart shoppers don't have a problem here. These
shoppers are challenged to count to twenty. Fortunate for
them their shoes are off and can use their toes..."
-- Chip (another JOTD subscriber)

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/31/2002 (S287b)
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must
first create the universe. -- Carl Sagan

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/3/2002 (S267c)
Q: Name the four seasons
A: Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar

Q: How does the gingerbread man make his bed?
A: With cookie sheets. - Gord Goudie

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

From: RFSlick on 4/26/99 (S117)
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

From: jerry on 12/26/2001 (S256)
About 100,000 people submitted their favorite jokes as
part of a massive experiment called Laughlab. Here, the
Computer Generated category.
Q: What kind of murderer has fibber?
A: A cereal killer.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/11/2002 (S280b)
Q: What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
A: "I'm the weiner!"

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Smiley cooks from
Smiley_Central

.