Subj: Food, Cooking, And Recipe Jokes2
..........(Includes 49 jokes, 13 1117,24,cf,wYT2c7b,15)
Woman Baking from
Subj: The Swedish Chef | The Muppets (S1003)
Posted by The Muppets (d-iFrame)
From: sam.hutkins in 2016
..,Click 'HERE' to see the Swedish Chef's recipe for popcorn.
Subj: Purina Diet (S497, S804)
From: jbcary1 in 2006
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large
bag of Purina for my Labrador
Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially
a perfect diet and that the
way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to
try it again.
I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy
Horrified, she asked if I'd been
poisoned and was that why I
was in the hospital.
I told her no, I stepped off
a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the tall guy behind
her was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard.
Subj: What Food Is This? (S1001)
From: Roger Ford in 2016
.........This sign used to be sold on ebay for $62.05.
Don't Gross Out The World (S500d, S836)
by Bill Haduch (d-On Site,SWF)
From: auntiegah and ginafm in 2010
Test your travel and food knowledge
with this SWF game. You
can play it by clicking 'HERE'.
This test is a lot of fun.
Rosie got a score of 6 out of 11.
I won't tell you how bad my score was.
Subj: Loving Mustard (S440)
From: LabLaughs.com in 2005
(This is a true story.
If you have children you will probably
relate to this father.)
As ham sandwiches go, it was
perfection: a thick slab of ham
on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,
light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in
anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked
it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my
"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old
son) while I get my
sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my
left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of
mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only
time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand,
I did the sort of routine shoe-
shine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying
from laughing so hard, my wife
said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . .
Subj: Pickles Comic Strip (S668b)
By Brian Crane in 2009
Subj: Lobster Tales, $5 Each (S429)
From:LABLaughsAdult in 2005
I was down on Fisherman's Pier
in Punta Gorda when I
happened to see a big sign next to the seafood restaurant
that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each. " Amazed at the
value, I asked the sexy young lady in short short shorts
standin' next to the sign, and asked, "$5 each for lobster
tails . is that correct?" -
"Yes", she said with a big smile,
"It's our special just
"Well", I commented, "they must
be little lobster tails."
"Nope," she replied, blinking an extrordinary set of baby
blues at me "It's thereally a big lobster."
"Are you sure they aren't green
lobster tails - and a little
bit tough, or maybe a bit old ?"
"No mister, it's really big red
lobster.I'm talkin' about
and today only!" she tempted.
"Today's big red lobster tails
- $5 each?", I repeated
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," I said, "Give me one."
She took my money and my hand,
led me over to a table where
she invited me to sit and then sat down next to me, put her
hand on my shoulder, allururingly leaned over close to me
and in sexily whispered, "Once upon a time there was a really
big red lobster ..."
Fries From Jack In The Box
From: Toilet Humored Cartoons
..........in 2006 (S480d-iFrame)
(See 'David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke' in Fuck)
You can view this cute claymation
type video by
Subj: How To Prepare Fish (S487b, S688)
From: Anonymous Jr. in 2010
A little girl was watching her
mother prepare a fish for dinner.
Her mother cut the head and tail off the fish and then placed it
into a baking pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut
the head and tail off the fish. Her mother thought for a while
and then said, "I've always done it that way - that's how grandma
Not satisfied with the answer,
the little girl went to visit her
grandma to find out why she cut the head and tail off the fish
before baking it.
Grandma thought for a while and
replied, "I don't know. My mother
always did it that way."
So the little girl and the grandma
went to visit great grandma to
find ask if she knew the answer.
Her Great grandma thought for
a while and said, "Because, in my
day, we had only a small kitchen, and my baking pan was too small
to fit in the whole fish".
Subj:.....Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S662)
By Bob Thaves in 2009
Subj: Chicken At A Chinese Restraurant (S458, S625)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2005 and 2008
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese
restaurant and order
the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to
serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to
look in the pot. He reaches for
it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the
waiter over, explains what
is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this....................SCROLL
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
100-Pound Woman Downs Eleven-Pound Burger
..........From: agrief in 2005 (S417)
You can read and view this amazing
story on my site
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: How To Fry Eggs (S403b)
From: DafterLafter in 2004
A wife was making a breakfast
of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh
my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh
my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said
be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I
wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
Subj: Ribs Cooking By The River (S947d-On Site)
From: Charles Clausen on Facebook
.,.....Click 'HERE' to see this very creative barbaque.
How To BBQ
..........in 2004 (S397b, S689b)
Click 'HERE' to learn how to do a "Manly Barbecue."
Subj: Food And Heart Attacks (S301, S591b)
From: tom in 2008
The Japanese eat very little
fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and
also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little
red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive
amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers
and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
"Cat In The Kettle" By Aaron Wilburn
From: rfslick in 2007 (S561c,d-iFrame)
(See '"If My Nose Was Running Money" By Aaron Wilburn' in Music-Supp)
This is a live performance of
the "Chinese Food Song".
You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Pickles Comic Strip II (S1104)
By Brian Crane in 2018
Chinese Food Song
..........in 2007 (S531c,d-On Site,SWF)
(Also see 'Cat In The Kettle' in this file above)
You can view this short musical video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Water Or Coke? (S316b, S530b)
From: auntiegah in 2003
This is really an eye opener....
Water or Coke? We all know
that water is important but I've never seen it written down
like this before.
1. 75% of Americans are chronically
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak
that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism
as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for
almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water
a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up
to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term
memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing
on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of
colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast
cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop
1. In many states (in the USA)
the highway patrol carries
two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from
the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and
it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the
bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum
foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a
can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in
Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the
baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the
foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for
a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into
a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through
a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease
stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FOR YOUR INFO
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH
is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a
major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial
trucks must use the Hazardous material place cards
reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the
engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a glass of Water or Coke?
Subj: New Supermarket Opens (S1112)
From: Bill Lee in 2018
Subj: RIDDLE - What Food Is This#2?
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
A time when they're green, a
time when they're brown,
But both of these times, cause me to frown.
But just in between, for a very short while,
They're perfect and yellow, and cause me to smile!
What am I talking about here?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
Subj: Amazing Dragon Cake! (S1117)
Made by Tiffany Flanagan (d-On Site)
From: Diane J Swinehart in 2018
.,.......Click 'HERE' to see an amazing dragon cake.
Subj: More Short Food Jokes
How To Peel Hard Boiled Eggs
..........in 2007 (S538b,d-iFrame)
Subj: Betty Botter's Bitter Butter (S405b)
..........From: DafterLafter in 2004
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
Airport Cookies - PPS
..........in 2007 (S535b in Plane-Supp)
Subj: Achieving Inner Peace (S295b)
From: Cypriot in 2002
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely
working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing
what I start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you.
Here are the things that I have
- two bags of potato chips,
- a strawberry cheesecake,
- a package of Oreo's,
- a bottle of wine,
- and a small box of chocolates.
I think this really works because I feel better already!!!
Banana .... Not Just A Fruit
..........in 2007 (S532b, S796)
Subj: Who Should Brew The Coffee? (S343b)
From: DoctorDebt in 2003
(Also see 'All Men Should Make Coffee For Their Women' in Food-Supp2)
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do
it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait
as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in
charge of the cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I
can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should
do it, and besides it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and
opened the New Testament and
shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...
Interesting Drinking Cups
..........in 2007 (S528b)
Subj: Viagra Soft Drink (S356b)
From: woneye in 2003
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old fashioned
"stiff-drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by
the name of: MOUNT ? DO
Lemon Breast Chicken - Great Recipe
From: darrell94590 in 2006 (S513c)
Subj: Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef (S516b)
From: edapsmas in 2006
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the
big one is done.........:)
When Life Hands You Lemons
From: jbcary1 (S501d-iFrame)
..........in 2006 (in Movies)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Potato Prostitutes (S461b)
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2005
Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One
is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little
sticker that says...
I - DA - HO
Fruit Carving (S448)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Ice Cream Knock Knock Jokes
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!
Cooking Sign (S446b)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Chinese Watermelon Art
..........in 2005 (S442b-Chinese)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S305b)
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot
appear to them except in the form of bread.
-- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2002 (S308b)
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat
what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
-- Mark Twain
From: LABLaughsClean in 2004 (S409b
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite
like unrequited love." Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000),
Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"
From: dogbyte in 2003 (S311)
"Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze"
-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
From: KMACINTY in 2003 (S311)
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Bakers trade bread recipes on
a knead to know basis.
From: FrankRoesch in 2003 (S316b)
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
From: LABLaughs.com in 2003 (S322)
Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.
From: igiggle in 2004 (S363b)
A teaspoon holds 120 drops of water.
From: Sonny at Bridge Club in 2004
Show me a man who hates cats,
And I'll show you a man who can't cook.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."
-- Alex Levine
Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy (in Quotes1)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2007 (S528b)
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is
tea, please bring me some coffee." -- Abraham Lincoln
From: LABLaughsClean in 2005 (S414b)
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What's The Difference Between
Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A: Anyone Can Roast Beef.