Subj: Funeral Jokes
(Includes 48 jokes and articles, 31972,11,cf,wXT2,5)
Click "Here" for Funeral-Supp
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Mrs.
BIRDS-SUPP - 'A Funeral for Crows' - Photo/Audio
COLLEGE-PROF - 'Missing The Final Because Of A Funeral'
COMPUTERS3 - 'Man E-Mails His Wife'
COMP-SUPP2 - 'A Dying Granny'
.........DENTIST file - 'Speaker Forgets His Dentures'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Proctologist Studies In Morgue'
FACTS3 file - 'Lazarus Laurel:'
EPITAPHS file- 'The Death Of Common Sense'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
FOOTBALL file- 'Super Bowl Seats'
JOBS3 file - 'Life After Death'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Dead Man Works For A Week'
GAY file - 'Three Gays Die'
GOLF1 file - 'Golf Match During Funeral'
GHOSTS file - (see for connected jokes)
HEAVEN1 file - 'Mother Goose And Grimm'
......................- 'Heard From The Coffin'
IRISH2 file - 'Irish Reads His Own Obituary'
LAWYER2 file - 'Old Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him'
MARRIAGE1 - 'Psychiatrist Helps Shy Man'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
MUSIC file - 'Dead Man With Cork In Butt'
PENIS2 file - 'Mr. Goldstein's Penis Dies'
POLICS-SUPP - 'Drug Theft Gone Wrong'
PREACHER file- 'Minister's First Funeral'
......................- 'Bird Funeral'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Pscyhology Test'
REDNECK3 file- 'Irish, Mexican, And Redneck Do Construction Work'
RIDDLE file - 'A What Am I Riddle #10'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'A What Am I Riddle #42'
SAILOR-MARINE- 'USS Arizona Pearl Harbor Burial Service' - Two Videos
SOLDIER1 - 'Military Death Benefits'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Going Back Home For a Neighbors Funeral'
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S994)
By Wiley Miller on 7/1/2015
The Cab And The Coffin (S535c,dwmv)
From: drgolfmd on 4/20/2007 (in CabDriver)
This stunt on a TV show involves
calling for a cab four
times. Each time pallbearers try to put the coffin in
the trunk and then try to put the body in the back seat.
The expressions on the cap driver's faces are cute. You
can view this WMV video by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Playing With Irving's Ashes (S151, S620)
From: KMacinty on 12/22/1999
and From: JBCARY1 0n 6/16/2003
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in, she
poured him out on the patio table.
"Irving, you know the dishwasher
you promised me? I bought
it with the insurance money!" .
She paused for a minute tracing
her fingers in the ashes
then said, "Irving, remember the car you promised me? Well,
I also bought it with the insurance money!".
Again, she paused for a few minutes
and tracing her fingers
in the ashes said, "Irving, that diamond ring you promised
me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!".
Finally, still tracing her fingers
in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it
Subj: B.C. Cartoon (S747)
By Mastroianni and Hart on 7/14/2011
Subj: Mortician Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis (S139, S594b)
From: mbucher on 09/29/1999
and From: LABLaughsClean on 6/5/2008
A mortician was working late
one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz
had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with
a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." With that the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a brief-
case and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said,
and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Subj: Two Old College Friends Meet (S432)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/6/2005
Then there were these two guys
who had gone to the same
college and become great friends. During college, they had
a great time.
Anything that was going on, they
were always right in the
middle of it. Then they graduated, however, they each went
their own separate way. Two or three years later, they ran
into one another on the street. They were very happy to
see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them
asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you.
During college, you were
always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement
in this racket," explained
the friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up
this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he
was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge
erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I
took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat...
You want to talk about excitement???
I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
Subj: Garfield Comic Strip (S640b)
By Jim Davis on 4/16/2009
Subj: Little Tommy's Fish Dies (S375)
From: Grampsboyd on 4/4/2004
(Also see "Dead
and "Goldfish Funeral" in Funeral-Supp)
Little Tommy was in the garden
filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to. He politely asked,
"Whatcha doing, Tommy?"
"My goldfish died," replied the
boy tearfully without
looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor replied, " I'm sorry
to hear that, Tommy.
He must have been a big one ~ That's a mighty big
hole for a goldfish isn't it?"
Tommy patted down the last
shovelful of earth and
replied, "That's because he's inside your damned cat."
Dead Goldfish (S559b)
..........From: rfslick on 10/2/2007
The story of a little girl and
her dead goldfish.
Click 'HERE' to see the story.
Subj: Flowers And Funerals - Poem (S596)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/19/2008
Bring Me All The Flowers Today.
I would rather have a LITTLE
from the garden of a friend
Than flowers strewn around my casket
When my days on earth must end.
I would rather have a LIVING
From one I know is true
Than tears shed around my casket
When this world I bid adieu
Bring me all the flowers TODAY
Whether pink, or white, or red,
I would rather have ONE BLOSSOM NOW
Than a truckload when I am dead!!
Subj: Jock's Funeral (S557)
From: http://www.buildeazy.com on 9/19/2007
Jock had passed away and as usual
the minister was reciting
his history and attributes at his funeral.
"Jock was a great family man,
always helping with the dish
washing and housework, a model husband and father, never
late out and has not allowed a drop of whisky to pass his
His widow, squirming in her seat,
could stand it no more,
bent down and whispered to her son, "Jimmy, go on up and
look in the coffin, I think we might be at the wrong funeral"
Subj: Pearls Before Swine (S945)
By Stephan Pastis on 2/15/2015
Subj: Three Men Die w/Smiles On Their Faces (S319)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/10/2003
Three dead bodies turn up at
the mortuary, all with very
big smiles on their faces. The Coroner calls the Police
Inspector to tell him what happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died
of heart failure whilst
making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,
Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won
a thousand pounds in the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the enormous smile."
The Inspector asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the Coroner, "this
is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob, the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning
while bass fishing."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
Subj: Funeral Home Worker Sick (S286b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/21/2002
Early one morning, my husband,
who works in a funeral home,
woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to
the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to
determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have
me call in sick for him until
we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the
nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was
suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked,
"Would you like me to call
the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse
quickly said, "Ma'am, he's
not THAT sick!"
Subj: Mortician At His Class Reunion (S236)
From: thebartend on 8/10/200
Three chums, who had been friends
since high school, were
drinking heavily at their reunion. They started telling
exciting job related war stories. As the drinks flowed
the embellishment became vast.
George, who had graduated from
the police academy, told
of the gang holdup of the First City National Bank. He,
alone, cornered and held the gang in their hideaway until
reinforcements arrived and the entire gang was arrested
without injury. For his service he was awarded the
Meritorious City Citation.
Fred, who had trained as a fireman,
became the City Fire
Marshall. In one major blaze, when a 30 unit apartment
was subject of a 5 alarm fire call, Fred single handedly
raced into the burning structure and rescued a woman
and her three small children, carrying the baby to safety
within his fire coat.
Joe, after high school graduation,
became a mortician. He
enjoyed working with people, the pay was good, and the job
was quiet. Joe had only one event that he thought worthy
He was working the evening shift
when the First City Hotel
phoned and said that a patron had died and that the mortuary
should recover the body.
Joe took the panel body recovery
truck and drove to the
hotel. There was no parking space available and the only
loading zone was occupied.
Joe double parked the truck and
took a collapsible gurney
into the hotel where he was directed to the third floor and
was instructed to recover the body without disturbing the
Joe said, "When I entered the
room I saw this huge man,
lying in bed, on his back with an enormous erection. The
sheet was tented like a pale pyramid. I didn't know what
to do. In that condition he wouldn't fit into a body bag
and I couldn't just put him on the gurney and wheel him
into the elevator and out through the lobby."
"So," Joe continued. "I broke
a leg off of a straight back
chair and thrashed, smashed and beat the day lights out of
that erection. It immediately became flaccid"
George interrupted, "That's interesting, but not exciting."
"Oh yes it was." Continued Joe "I was in the wrong room."
Subj: Heart Specialist Doctor's Funeral (S226, S748)
From: chicababe1978 on 7/10/2005
and From: allenbergman on 5/18/2011
A famous heart specialist doctor
died and it's his funeral.
A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after every-
one said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin
rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the
mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
When all eyes stared at him,
he said, 'I am so sorry, I'm
And at that point the questioner fainted. He was a proctologist.
Subj: Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him (S208)
From: RFSlick on 1/23/2001
(See 'Old Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him' in LAWYER2)
As Mr. Smith was on his death
bed, he attempted to formulate
a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his
considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men
he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash
before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money
in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three
agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope
inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery,
the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know
he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave
me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The
physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one
another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full
$30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could
have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,
but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I
might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith
would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said,
"I'm ashamed of both of you! I put the full 30,000 into
Smith's coffin, and my personal check is always good."
Subj: Keep Your Fork (S159)
From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000
There was a woman who had been
diagnosed with a terminal
illness and had been given three months to live. So as she
was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor
and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of
her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung
at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and
what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also
requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.
Everything was in order and the
pastor was preparing to
leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very
important to her. "There's one more thing," she said
excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This
is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be
buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the
woman, not knowing quite
what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman
asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,"
said the pastor.
The woman explained. "In
all my years of attending church
socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when
the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone
would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It
was my favorite part because I knew that something better
was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple
pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just
want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in
my hand and I want them to wonder What's with the fork?'.
Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork....the best
is yet to come".
The pastor's eyes welled up with
tears of joy as he hugged
the woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last
times he would see her before her death. But he also knew
that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.
She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking
by the woman's casket
and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her
favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over
and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the
fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message,
the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with
the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about
the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor
told the people how he could not stop thinking about the
fork and told them that they probably would not be able to
stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down
for your fork, let it remind
you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are
a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage
you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise,
and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Bubba Is Burned And Dies (S133, S642c)
From: rlr29 on 8/8/99
and tom on 4/30/2009
Daryl went in and the mortician
pulled back the sheet. Daryl
said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify
the body. Gomer took a
look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down
and said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How
can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had
two assholes." "What? He had
two assholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town
knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks
would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..."
Subj: Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie (S115, S514b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #296 ON 4/12/99
(See 'Husband On His Deathbed' in MARRIAGE4)
An elderly Italian man lay dying
in his bed. In death's
agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate ship cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced
himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip
Was it heaven? Or was it
one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this
world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort,
he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees
in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie
was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its
way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out
of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Subj: Woman Wakes Up After Funeral (S105, S337b)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #21 on 99-01-24
and From: Imogenelumen on 7/9/2003
A funeral service is being held
in a synagogue for a woman
who has just passed away. At the end of the service the
pall bearers are carrying`the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. they
open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years
and then dies. A ceremony is
again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for
Subj: Sending Flowers To A New Business (S164)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #41 on 98-02-11
and From: thebartend on 3/21/00
A new business was opening, and
a long-time friend of the
owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived
at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a
warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room
examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants.
Finally, he happened upon his
own offering, only to find an
attached card bearing this sentiment:
"Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the
florist's error, he phoned to
lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy
tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting
angry.... imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place
today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached
"Congratulations on Your New Location"
Subj: Two Brothers Bury Dad
Two brothers, Cy and Matt grew
up in the mountains; when they
were grown, Matt said he was going up North to seek his fortune.
Cy said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.
Matt became a salesman, soon was sales manager, then vice-
president and finally, president of the company. Before long,
his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a
little while, he became president of the parent company.
One day Matt got a call from
his brother on the farm, who said,
"Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."
Matt said, "Oh, my goodness.
I have to leave Thursday for a big
merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to
give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me.
It's the least I can do."
Well, Cy did that, and in a few
weeks, Matt received a bill for
$6,000., and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100.00
Thinking they had forgotten something,
he paid it. The next
month, another bill for $100. came, and he paid that one, too.
When another $100. bill arrived the third month, he called his
brother and asked if he knew why he continued to receive bills.
"Oh, yes," Cy said, "I think
I do. See, when we got Daddy all
dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that
polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and
since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."
Subj: The Funeral Line (S131A, S473b)
From: auntiegah on 2/4/2006
Walking to his car with the groceries
he just bought, Paul
noticed a very strange funeral procession. There was a single
car following two hearses, then a line of about forty or so
men walking behind -- no women anywhere.
Curiosity got the best of him
and Paul decided to find out
what exactly was going on. He followed at a reasonable
distance behind the long line of men, until the cemetery had
been reached. At the cemetery, Paul parked his car, walked
up to the only car that was directly behind the hearses. He
tapped on the window, and after the window had been rolled
down, looked in beyond the smoked glass of the limousine to
see a man and a mean nasty-looking dog together in the back
seat. The man in the back seat of the limousine broke the
silence with "Yes?", to which Paul standing outside the car
said, "Please excuse my intrusion on your privacy, sir, but
could I please ask what this is all about?"
The man in the back seat of the
limousine said, "No problem
at all. You see this dog next to me here? Well he went into
a blind rage 4 days ago when my mother-in-law came to visit,
and killed both her and my wife!"
Paul was somewhat overwhelmed
but managed to say, "I'm so
sorry to hear that." Then thought about it for a moment and
said, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog?" The man
in the back seat of the limousine smiled slowly and said,
"Get in line."
Subj: Blue Suit For Her Husband (S17, S700)
From: jbcary1 on 9/18/2006
and From: ginafm on 6/10/2010
Charlie had a massive heart attack
and died. His body was
delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so
he really looked great, considering the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral
home to make the final
arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician
about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician
pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black
suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier
and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie
had always looked his very
best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit
for his trip to eternity. She gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
The woman came back the next
day for the wake. To her
delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.
She said to the mortician, "Whatever
this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the
blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra
services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!" she said.
The mortician responded, "Honestly,
ma'am, the change to
the blue suit cost nothing.
Funny thing, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded
him going to his grave
wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it
made no difference, as long as he looked nice.
So I switched the heads."
Subj: Short Funeral Jokes
Wife Doesn't Embalm Her Husband (S565c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/15/2007
..........Source: (Removed from thepostmanscorner.net)
Subj: Talk Before 98 Year Old Man's Funeral (S437)
From: Dickschu on 6/7/2005
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth
going home is it?"
Soldier's Funeral In Texas (S525c)
From: Glorybbabi on 1/30/2007
These eleven pictures and story are a wonderful tribute
Subj: Good Answer....... (S239b)
From: KMACINTY on 8/30/2001
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that crap after
I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Football Fan's Funeral (S511b)
From: drgolfmd on 11/1/2006
You can see these five pictures
of a football fan's funeral
on by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Gunpowder On Cornflakes (S165, S527)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 2/20/00
and From: LABLaughsClean on 2/21/2007
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a
long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder
on his Cornflakes every morning. The son did this
religiously, and he lived to the age of 92.
When he died, he left 14 children,
35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall
of the crematorium.
Taxes And Funerals (S469)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/13/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Scattering Your Ashes At Bloomingdales (S379)
From: DoctorDebt on 4/30/2004
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will
and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had
two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week."
Subj: B.C. Comic On Funerals (S371b)
By Johnny Hart on 3/2/04
Subj: Memorial Stone (S321)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/24/2003
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his
name. After everything is done at the funeral home
and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there
is no money left.
The friend says "How can that
be? You told me he still
had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How can
you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral
home cost me $6,000.
And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to
the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went
for the memorial stone.
The friend says, $12,000 for
the memorial stone? My
God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the
widow says, "Three carats."
Subj: Sign In A Window (S318b)
From: RFSlick on 3/8/2003
A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA
TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed
in the window of a
business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at
the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One
would think that anti-hate groups from all across the
country would be marching on this business... And that
the National Guard might have to be called to keep the
angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times
one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make
their statement... We are a society who holds Freedom of
Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty... And after all,
it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
Subj: Woman Dies After Three Husbands (S295, S549b)
From: thebartend on 9/26/2002
and From: redcatt on 7/24/2007
(Also see 'Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands' in Catholic)
A woman married and had 7 children,
and then her husband
died. She remarried and had 5 more. Again, her husband
died. She married for the third time and had 3 more
children. Alas, she finally died leaving behind her 15
Standing before her coffin, the
preacher prayed to the
Lord above and thanked Him for this loving woman who
fulfilled his commandment to 'Go forth and multiply'.
In his eulogy the preacher said,
'Lord, they are finally
Leaning over to a neighbor, one
mourner quietly asked
'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'
The neighbor replied, 'I think
he means her legs'.
Subj: Widow Writes Obituary (S153, S478b)
From: mbucher on 01/05/2000
and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/17/2006
The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.
"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.
"Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"
"Got some paper?"
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word
"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a
minute... okay, got a pencil?"
"Got some paper?"
Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale."
Subj: Widow Writes Obituary II (S621)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/12/2008
When the husband finally died, his wife put the
death notice in the paper, but added that he died
No sooner were the papers delivered
when a friend
of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You
know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
Replied the widow, 'I nursed
him night and day so
of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought
it would be better for posterity to remember him as
a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
Subj: The Wedding Gift (S121)
From: smiles on 5/23/99
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and
accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts
at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels
embroidered with the words.... "hiss and hearse"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2001
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson
From: dogbyte on 1/18/2002 (S260)
Did you know that 1 out of every 10,000 people
dies from injuries sustained while cutting
coupons out of the Sunday newspaper?
From: tadams96 on 10/30/2002 (S300b)
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt
in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful
it happens in that order." -- Solomon Short
From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004 (S378b)
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/13/2004
The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/27/2007
"No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful,
when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty
much depend on the weather." -- Michael Pritchard
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/16/2007
I've learned that if you don't want to get old
you have to die young.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004
Q: What did the wife say when her husband announced
that he was going to become a necrophiliac?
A: "Over my dead body"
.............................Microwave from Armed and Dangerous Smilies