Subj: Funeral Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 43 jokes and articles)
Coffin from
Blaufalkes Bonepage
| >>>
Subj: Funeral Jokes (Gz) (Includes 43 jokes and articles) |
|
Coffin from Blaufalkes Bonepage |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Mrs.
Carson's Funeral'
DENTIST file - 'Speaker
Forgets His Dentures'
COLLEGE-PROF - 'Missing
The Final Because Of A Funeral'
COMPUTERS4 - 'The
Importance Of Correct E-Mail Addresses'
FACTS3 file - 'Lazarus
Laurel:'
EPITAPHS file- 'The
Death Of Common Sense'
FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's
Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
JOBS3 file - 'Life
After Death'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Dead
Man Works For A Week'
GAY file - 'Three
Gays Die'
GOLF1 file - 'Golf
Match During Funeral'
GHOSTS file - (see for connected
jokes)
HEAVEN1 file - 'Heard
From The Coffin'
IRISH2 file - 'Irish
Reads His Own Obituary'
LAWYER2 file - 'Old
Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him'
MARRIAGE1 - 'Psychiatrist
Helps Shy Man'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law
Dies In Jerusalem'
MUSIC file - 'Dead
Man With Cork In Butt'
PENIS2 file - 'Mr.
Goldstein's Penis Dies'
PREACHER file- 'Minister's
First Funeral'
......................-
'Bird
Funeral'
PSYCHOLOGY - 'Pscyhology
Test'
REDNECK3 file- 'Irish,
Mexican, And Redneck Do Construction Work'
RIDDLE file - 'A
What Am I Riddle #10'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'A
What Am I Riddle #42'
SOLDIER1 - 'Military
Death Benefits'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Going
Back Home For a Neighbors Funeral'
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| Subj:
The Cab And The Coffin (S535c in CabDriver)
From: drgolfmd on 4/20/2007 |
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Subj: Flowers
And Funerals - Poem (S596)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/19/2008
Bring Me All The Flowers Today.
I would rather have a LITTLE
ROSE
from the garden of a friend
Than flowers strewn around my
casket
When my days on earth must end.
I would rather have a LIVING
SMILE
From one I know is true
Than tears shed around my casket
When this world I bid adieu
Bring me all the flowers TODAY
Whether pink, or white, or red,
I would rather have ONE BLOSSOM
NOW
Than a truckload when I am dead!!
\\\//
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Subj: Jock's
Funeral (S557)
From: http://www.buildeazy.com on
9/19/2007
Jock had passed away and as usual
the minister was reciting
his history and attributes at
his funeral.
"Jock was a great family man,
always helping with the dish
washing and housework, a model
husband and father, never
late out and has not allowed
a drop of whisky to pass his
lips"
His widow, squirming in her seat,
could stand it no more,
bent down and whispered to her
son, "Jimmy, go on up and
look in the coffin, I think
we might be at the wrong funeral"
\\\//
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Subj: Two
Old College Friends Meet (S432)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/6/2005
Then there were these two guys
who had gone to the same
college and become great friends.
During college, they had
a great time.
Anything that was going on, they
were always right in the
middle of it. Then they
graduated, however, they each went
their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran
into one another on the street.
They were very happy to
see each other, and, during
the conversation, one of them
asked the other what he was
doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you.
During college, you were
always the one looking for excitement."
"There is plenty of excitement
in this racket," explained
the friend. "Just the
other day, I got a call to pick up
this stiff in a hotel room.
When I entered the room, he
was laying there on the bed,
stark naked, with a huge
erection. I didn't want
to take him out like that, so I
took a hanger from the closet,
and gave it a good swat...
You want to talk about excitement???
I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Little
Tommy's Fish Dies (S375)
From: Grampsboyd on 4/4/2004
(Also see 'Dead Goldfish' below)
Little Tommy was in the garden
filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up
to. He politely asked,
"Whatcha doing, Tommy?"
"My goldfish died," replied the
boy
tearfully without
looking up. "And I've just buried
him."
The neighbor replied, " I'm sorry
to hear that, Tommy.
He must have been a big one
~ That's a mighty big
hole for a goldfish isn't it?"
Tommy patted down the last
shovelful of earth and
replied, "That's because he's
inside your damned cat."
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Dead Goldfish (S559b)
From: rfslick on 10/2/2007 (Also see 'Little Tommy's Fish Dies' above) |
The story of a little girl and
her dead goldfish.
Click 'HERE'
to see the story.
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Subj: Three
Men Die w/Smiles On Their Faces (S319)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/10/2003
Three dead bodies turn up at
the mortuary, all with very
big smiles on their faces. The
Coroner calls the Police
Inspector to tell him what happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died
of heart failure whilst
making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile,
Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won
a thousand pounds in the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey.
Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the enormous smile."
The Inspector asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the Coroner, "this
is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob, the redneck from
Alabama, 30, struck by lightning
while bass fishing."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
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Subj: Funeral
Home Worker Sick (S286b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/21/2002
Early one morning, my husband,
who works in a funeral home,
woke me, complaining of severe
abdominal pains. We rushed to
the emergency room, where they
gave him a series of tests to
determine the source of the
pain.
My husband decided not to have
me call in sick for him until
we knew what was wrong.
When the results came back, the
nurse informed us that, true
to our suspicions, he was
suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked,
"Would you like me to call
the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse
quickly said, "Ma'am, he's
not THAT sick!"
\\\//
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Subj: Mortician
At His Class Reunion (S236)
From: thebartend on 8/10/200
Three chums, who had been friends
since high school, were
drinking heavily at their reunion.
They started telling
exciting job related war stories.
As the drinks flowed
the embellishment became vast.
George, who had graduated from
the police academy, told
of the gang holdup of the First
City National Bank. He,
alone, cornered and held the
gang in their hideaway until
reinforcements arrived and the
entire gang was arrested
without injury. For his
service he was awarded the
Meritorious City Citation.
Fred, who had trained as a fireman,
became the City Fire
Marshall. In one major
blaze, when a 30 unit apartment
was subject of a 5 alarm fire
call, Fred single handedly
raced into the burning structure
and rescued a woman
and her three small children,
carrying the baby to safety
within his fire coat.
Joe, after high school graduation,
became a mortician. He
enjoyed working with people,
the pay was good, and the job
was quiet. Joe had only
one event that he thought worthy
of discussion.
He was working the evening shift
when the First City Hotel
phoned and said that a patron
had died and that the mortuary
should recover the body.
Joe took the panel body recovery
truck and drove to the
hotel. There was no parking
space available and the only
loading zone was occupied.
Joe double parked the truck and
took a collapsible gurney
into the hotel where he was
directed to the third floor and
was instructed to recover the
body without disturbing the
hotel guests.
Joe said, "When I entered the
room I saw this huge man,
lying in bed, on his back with
an enormous erection. The
sheet was tented like a pale
pyramid. I didn't know what
to do. In that condition
he wouldn't fit into a body bag
and I couldn't just put him
on the gurney and wheel him
into the elevator and out through
the lobby."
"So," Joe continued. "I broke
a leg off of a straight back
chair and thrashed, smashed
and beat the day lights out of
that erection. It immediately
became flaccid"
George interrupted, "That's interesting, but not exciting."
"Oh yes it was." Continued Joe "I was in the wrong room."
\\\//
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Subj: Heart
Specialist Doctor's Funeral (S226, S442b)
From: thebartend on 5/25/2001
and
From: chicababe1978 on 7/10/2005
A famous heart specialist doctor
died and it's his funeral.
A regular coffin was displayed
in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with
the sermon and after every-
one said their good-byes, the
heart was opened, the coffin
rolled inside, and the heart
closed.
Just at that moment one of the
mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why
are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
And at that point the questioner fainted. He was a proctologist.
\\\//
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Subj: Dying
Man Wants To Take It With Him (S208)
From: RFSlick on 1/23/2001
(See 'Old
Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him' in LAWYER2)
As Mr. Smith was on his death
bed, he attempted to formulate
a plan that would allow him
to take at least some of his
considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men
he trusted most - his lawyer,
his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to
give you each $30,000 in cash
before I die. At my funeral,
I want you to place the money
in my coffin so that I can try
to take it with me." All three
agreed to do this and were given
the money. At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in
turn and placed an envelope
inside. While riding in the
limousine back from the cemetery,
the clergyman said, "I have
to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman
all his life, and I know
he would have wanted me to do
this. The church needed a new
baptistery very badly, and I
took $10,000 of the money he gave
me and bought one. I only put
$20,000 in the coffin." The
physician then said, "Well,
since we're confiding in one
another, I might as well tell
you that I didn't put the full
$30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could
have been diagnosed sooner if
I had this very new machine,
but the machine cost $20,000
and I couldn't afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money
to buy the machine so that I
might be able to save another
patient. I know that Smith
would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said,
"I'm ashamed of both of you!
I put the full 30,000 into
Smith's coffin, and my personal
check is always good."
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Subj: Keep
Your Fork (S159)
From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000
There was a woman who had been
diagnosed with a terminal
illness and had been given three
months to live. So as she
was getting her things "in order,"
she contacted her pastor
and had him come to her house
to discuss certain aspects of
her final wishes. She
told him which songs she wanted sung
at the service, what scriptures
she would like read, and
what outfit she wanted to be
buried in. The woman also
requested to be buried with
her favorite Bible.
Everything was in order and the
pastor was preparing to
leave when the woman suddenly
remembered something very
important to her. "There's
one more thing," she said
excitedly. "What's that?"
came the pastor's reply. "This
is very important," the woman
continued. "I want to be
buried with a fork in my right
hand."
The pastor stood looking at the
woman, not knowing quite
what to say. "That surprises
you, doesn't it?" the woman
asked. "Well, to be honest,
I'm puzzled by the request,"
said the pastor.
The woman explained. "In
all my years of attending church
socials and potluck dinners,
I always remember that when
the dishes of the main course
were being cleared, someone
would inevitably lean over and
say, 'Keep your fork.' It
was my favorite part because
I knew that something better
was coming...like velvety chocolate
cake or deep-dish apple
pie. Something wonderful,
and with substance! So, I just
want people to see me there
in that casket with a fork in
my hand and I want them to wonder
What's with the fork?'.
Then I want you to tell them:
"Keep your fork....the best
is yet to come".
The pastor's eyes welled up with
tears of joy as he hugged
the woman good-bye. He
knew this would be one of the last
times he would see her before
her death. But he also knew
that the woman had a better
grasp of heaven than he did.
She KNEW that something better
was coming.
At the funeral people were walking
by the woman's casket
and they saw the pretty dress
she was wearing and her
favorite Bible and the fork
placed in her right hand. Over
and over, the pastor heard the
question "What's with the
fork?" And over and over
he smiled. During his message,
the pastor told the people of
the conversation he had with
the woman shortly before she
died. He also told them about
the fork and about what it symbolized
to her. The pastor
told the people how he could
not stop thinking about the
fork and told them that they
probably would not be able to
stop thinking about it either.
He was right.
So the next time you reach down
for your fork, let it remind
you oh so gently, that the best
is yet to come. Friends are
a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage
you to succeed. They lend
an ear, they share a word of praise,
and they always want to open
their hearts to us.
\\\//
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Subj: Playing
With Irving's Ashes (S151, S333)
From: KMacinty on 12/22/1999
and
From: JBCARY1 0n 6/16/2003
A woman recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home.
One day she picked up the
urn he was in and poured him
out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him,
and tracing her fingers
in the ashes, she said, "You
know that fur coat you
promised me, Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought
it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember
that new car you
promised me?" She answered again
saying, "Well, I bought
it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the
ashes, she said, "Irving,
remember that blowjob I promised
you? Here it comes..."
\\\//
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Subj: Mortician
Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis (S139, S594b)
From: mbucher on 09/29/1999
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/5/2008
A mortician was working late
one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before
they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery: Schwartz
had the longest penis he had
ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
said the mortician, "But I can't
send you off to be cremated with
a tremendously huge penis like
this. It has to be saved for
posterity." With that
the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's schlong. The
coroner stuffed his prize into a brief-
case and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said,
and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
\\\//
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| Subj:
Bubba Is Burned And Dies (S133, S369b)
From: rlr29 on 8/8/99 and From: Grampsboyd on 2/14/2004 |
 |
Bubba drawing
from Quizarama |
Bubba died in a fire and was
burnt pretty bad and the morgue
needed someone to identify the
body. His two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician
pulled back the sheet. Daryl
said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty
bad. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and
Daryl looked and said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician
thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify
the body. Gomer took a
look at him and said, "Yup,
he's burnt real bad, roll him
over." The mortician rolled
him over and Gomer looked down
and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How
can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had
two assholes." "What? He had
two assholes?", said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town
knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks
would say, "Here comes Bubba
with them two assholes..."
\\\//
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Subj: Elderly
Man Dying For A Cookie (S115, S514b)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #296 ON 4/12/99
(See 'Husband
On His Deathbed' in MARRIAGE4)
An elderly Italian man lay dying
in his bed. In death's
agony, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite
chocolate ship cookies wafting
up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against
the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort forced
himself down the stairs, gripping
the railing with both
hands. With labored breath,
he leaned against the door
frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers
on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his
favorite chocolate chip
cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it
one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing
to it that he left this
world a happy man? Mustering
one great final effort,
he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees
in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie
was already in his mouth; seemingly
bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered
hand, shakingly made its
way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked with a spatula
by his wife. "Stay out
of those," she said, "they're
for the funeral."
\\\//
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Subj: Woman
Wakes Up After Funeral (S105, S337b)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #21 on 99-01-24
and
From: Imogenelumen on 7/9/2003
A funeral service is being held
in a synagogue for a woman
who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the
pall bearers are carrying`the
casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall
jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. they
open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years
and then dies. A ceremony is
again held at the same synagogue
and at the end of the
ceremony the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking the husband
cries out, "watch out for
the wall!
\\\//
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Subj: Sending
Flowers To A New Business (S164)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #41 on 98-02-11
and
From: thebartend on 3/21/00
A new business was opening, and
a long-time friend of the
owner decided to send flowers
for the occasion. He arrived
at the "grand opening", accepted
a glass of champagne and a
warm handshake from his host,
then browsed about the room
examining the many floral arrangements
and potted plants.
Finally, he happened upon his
own offering, only to find an
attached card bearing this sentiment:
"Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the
florist's error, he phoned to
lodge a complaint. After
venting his anger in a lengthy
tirade, he waited impatiently
for the florist's explanation.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting
angry.... imagine this:
Somewhere a funeral is taking place
today, and they have a lovely
floral spray with an attached
note saying:
"Congratulations on Your New Location"
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Subj: Two
Brothers Bury Dad
Two brothers, Cy and Matt grew
up in the mountains; when they
were grown, Matt said he was
going up North to seek his fortune.
Cy said he'd stay home and look
after the farm and their parents.
Matt became a salesman, soon
was sales manager, then vice-
president and finally, president
of the company. Before long,
his business was bought out
by a big company out West. In a
little while, he became president
of the parent company.
One day Matt got a call from
his brother on the farm, who said,
"Daddy died, and the funeral
is Friday."
Matt said, "Oh, my goodness.
I have to leave Thursday for a big
merger meeting in Japan.
I just can't come, but I want you to
give Daddy the best funeral
you can get and send the bill to me.
It's the least I can do."
Well, Cy did that, and in a few
weeks, Matt received a bill for
$6,000., and he paid it.
The following month, a bill for $100.00
came.
Thinking they had forgotten something,
he paid it. The next
month, another bill for $100.
came, and he paid that one, too.
When another $100. bill arrived
the third month, he called his
brother and asked if he knew
why he continued to receive bills.
"Oh, yes," Cy said, "I think
I do. See, when we got Daddy all
dressed up in his old serge
suit in that new casket with that
polished wood and satin lining,
he just didn't look right, and
since you said you wanted the
best, we rented him a tuxedo."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Funeral Line (S131A, S473b)
From: auntiegah on 2/4/2006
Walking to his car with the groceries
he just bought, Paul
noticed a very strange funeral
procession. There was a single
car following two hearses, then
a line of about forty or so
men walking behind -- no women
anywhere.
Curiosity got the best of him
and Paul decided to find out
what exactly was going on.
He followed at a reasonable
distance behind the long line
of men, until the cemetery had
been reached. At the cemetery,
Paul parked his car, walked
up to the only car that was
directly behind the hearses. He
tapped on the window, and after
the window had been rolled
down, looked in beyond the smoked
glass of the limousine to
see a man and a mean nasty-looking
dog together in the back
seat. The man in the back seat
of the limousine broke the
silence with "Yes?", to which
Paul standing outside the car
said, "Please excuse my intrusion
on your privacy, sir, but
could I please ask what this
is all about?"
The man in the back seat of the
limousine said, "No problem
at all. You see this dog next
to me here? Well he went into
a blind rage 4 days ago when
my mother-in-law came to visit,
and killed both her and my wife!"
Paul was somewhat overwhelmed
but managed to say, "I'm so
sorry to hear that." Then
thought about it for a moment and
said, "Say, would you mind if
I borrowed your dog?" The man
in the back seat of the limousine
smiled slowly and said,
"Get in line."
\\\//
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Subj: Blue
Suit For Her Husband (S17, S505c)
From Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and
From: jbcary1 on 9/18/2006
Charlie had a massive heart attack
and died. His body was
delivered to the mortuary.
He had been wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black
suit at the time of his demise, so
he really looked great, considering
the circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral
home to make the final
arrangements for his interment.
She spoke to the mortician
about what her husband would
be wearing. The mortician
pointed out that the man looked
really nice in the black
suit he was wearing, and that
frankly it would be easier
and less expensive to leave
him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie
had always looked his very
best in blue, and that she really
wanted him in a blue suit
for his trip to eternity.
She gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue
suit money can buy for the
ceremony."
The woman came back the next
day for the wake. To her
delight, she found her Charlie
dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fit him perfectly.
She said to the mortician, "Whatever
this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an
excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the
blank check, indicating there
was no charge for these extra
services. "No, really,
I must compensate you for the cost
of that exquisite blue suit!"
she said.
The mortician responded, "Honestly,
ma'am, the change to
the blue suit cost nothing.
Funny thing, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday,
wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded
him going to his grave
wearing an attractive black
suit. She indicated that it
made no difference, as long
as he looked nice.
So I switched the heads."
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Funeral Jokes
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Subj:
Wife Doesn't Embalm Her Husband (S565c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/15/2007 |
| Subj:
Soldier's Funeral In Texas (S525c)
From: Glorybbabi on 1/30/2007 |
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Subj:
Football Fan's Funeral (S511b)
From: drgolfmd on 11/1/2006 |
You can see these five pictures
of a football fan's funeral
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
| Subj:
Taxes And Funerals (S469)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/13/2006 |
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Top
Subj: Talk
Before 98 Year Old Man's Funeral (S437)
From: Dickschu on 6/7/2005
Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth
going home is it?"
Top
Subj: Scattering
Your Ashes At Bloomingdales (S379)
From: DoctorDebt on 4/30/2004
An elderly woman from Brooklyn
decided to prepare her will
and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had
two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters
visit me twice a week."
Top
Subj: B.C.
Comic On Funerals (S371b)
From: Vallejo Times Herald on 3/2/04
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Top
Subj: Memorial
Stone (S321)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/24/2003
A woman's husband dies.
He has only $20,000 to his
name. After everything
is done at the funeral home
and cemetery, she tells her
closest friend that there
is no money left.
The friend says "How can that
be? You told me he still
had $20,000 left a few days
before he died. How can
you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral
home cost me $6,000.
And of course, I had to make
the obligatory donation to
the temple, so that was another
$2,000. The rest went
for the memorial stone.
The friend says, $12,000 for
the memorial stone? My
God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the
widow says, "Three carats."
Top
Subj: Sign
In A Window (S318b)
From: RFSlick on 3/8/2003
A sign at a business establishment
in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 AL QAEDA
TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE
AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed
in the window of a
business in Philadelphia.
You are probably outraged at
the thought of such an inflammatory
statement. One
would think that anti-hate groups
from all across the
country would be marching on
this business... And that
the National Guard might have
to be called to keep the
angry crowds back. But,
perhaps in these stressful times
one might be tempted to let
the proprietors simply make
their statement... We
are a society who holds Freedom of
Speech as perhaps our greatest
liberty... And after all,
it is just a sign. You
may ask what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
Top
Subj: Woman
Dies After Three Husbands (S295, S549b)
From: thebartend on 9/26/2002
and
From: redcatt on 7/24/2007
(Also see 'Maria
Dies After Her Two Husbands' in Catholic)
A woman married and had 7 children,
and then her husband
died. She remarried and
had 5 more. Again, her husband
died. She married for
the third time and had 3 more
children. Alas, she finally
died leaving behind her 15
children.
Standing before her coffin, the
preacher prayed to the
Lord above and thanked Him for
this loving woman who
fulfilled his commandment to
'Go forth and multiply'.
In his eulogy the preacher said,
'Lord, they are finally
together'.
Leaning over to a neighbor, one
mourner quietly asked
'Do you think he means her first,
second or third husband?'
The neighbor replied, 'I think
he means her legs'.
Top
Subj: Good
Answer....... (S239b)
From: KMACINTY on 8/30/2001
When I was younger I hated going
to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts
and the
grandmotherly types used to
come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that crap after
I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
Top
Subj: Gunpowder
On Cornflakes (S165, S527)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 2/20/00
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 2/21/2007
A man once counseled his son
that if he wanted to live a
long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a little gunpowder
on his Cornflakes every morning.
The son did this
religiously, and he lived to
the age of 92.
When he died, he left 14 children,
28 grand-children,
35 great-grand children, and
a 15 foot hole in the wall
of the crematorium.
Top
Subj: Widow
Writes Obituary (S153, S478b)
From: mbucher on 01/05/2000
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/17/2006
The phone rang in the obituary
department of the local newspaper.
"How much does it cost to have
an obituary printed"? asked a woman.
"It's five dollars a word, ma'am,"
the clerk replied politely.
"Fine," said the woman after
a moment. "Got a pencil?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen
dead'."
"That's all?" asked the clerk
disbelievingly.
"That's it."
"I'm sorry ma'am, I should have
told you - there's a five word
minimum.
"Yes, you should've," snapped
the woman. Now let me think a
minute... okay, got a
pencil?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Got some paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead.
Cadillac for Sale."
Top
Subj: The
Wedding Gift (S121)
From: smiles on 5/23/99
A female snake charmer was wooed
by an undertaker and
accepted his offer of marriage.
They received many gifts
at the wedding but their favorite
was a set of towels
embroidered with the words....
"hiss and hearse"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2001
(S255)
For three days after death,
hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls taper
off." -- Johnny Carson
From: dogbyte on 1/18/2002 (S260)
Did you know that 1 out of every
10,000 people
dies from injuries sustained
while cutting
coupons
out of the Sunday newspaper?
From: tadams96 on 10/30/2002 (S300b)
"Life is hard. Then you
die. Then they throw dirt
in your face. Then the
worms eat you. Be grateful
it happens in that order."
-- Solomon Short
From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004 (S378b)
Can a hearse carrying a corpse
drive in the carpool lane?
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/13/2004
(S412b)
The only two things we do with
greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and
attend funerals
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/27/2007
(S527b)
"No matter how rich you become,
how famous or powerful,
when you die the size of your
funeral will still pretty
much depend on the weather."
-- Michael Pritchard
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/16/2007
(S539b)
I've learned that if you don't
want to get old
you have to die young.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004
(S410b)
Q: What did the wife say when
her husband announced
that he was going
to become a necrophiliac?
A: "Over my dead body"
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Smiley uses a microwave from
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