Subj:     Funeral Jokes
                 (Includes 48 jokes and articles, 28 1076n,11,cf,wXT2a,5)

          Click "Here" for Funeral-Supp

Coffin from
Blaufalkes Bonepage
Includes the following:  Archie Bunker Gives A Eulogy - Video (S837)
.........................Tom Hanks Cracks Up Memorial Service - Video (S818 in Supp)
.........................Angry, Old Man Dies (S793 in Supp)
.........................Coffin Prank - Video (S736 in Supp)
.........................Bagpiper At A Pauper's Funeral (S676 in Supp)
.........................The Funeral - Video (S690 in Supp)
.........................Preparing For The Future (S625 in Supp)
.........................The Haka For Mr. Tamatea - Video (S972 in Supp)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S994)
.........................The Cab And The Coffin - Video (S535c)
.........................Playing With Irving's Ashes (S151, S620)
.........................B.C. Cartoon (747)
.........................Mortician Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis (S139, S594b)
.........................Two Old College Friends Meet (S432)
.........................Garfield Comic Strip (S640b)
.........................Little Tommy's Fish Dies (S375)
.........................Dead Goldfish (S559b)
.........................Flowers And Funerals - Poem (S596)
.........................Jock's Funeral (S557)
.........................Pearls Before Swine - Comic Strip (S945)
.........................Three Men Die w/Smiles On Their Faces (S319)
.........................Funeral Home Worker Sick (S286b)
.........................Mortician At His Class Reunion (S236)
.........................Heart Specialist Doctor's Funeral (S226, S748)
.........................Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him (S208)
.........................Keep Your Fork (S159)
.........................Bubba Is Burned And Dies (S133, S642c)
.........................Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie (S115, S514b)
.........................Woman Wakes Up After Funeral (S105, S337b)
.........................Sending Flowers To A New Business (S164)
.........................Two Brothers Bury Dad
.........................The Funeral Line (S131A, S473b)
.........................Blue Suit For Her Husband (S17, S700)
                         Short Funeral Jokes
..............................Bizarro Cartoon (S785 in Supp)
..............................Goldfish Funeral - Video (S708b in Supp)
..............................Mother Goose And Grimm (S714 in Supp)
..............................Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S634c in Supp)
..............................Bizarro Cartoon III (S929 in Supp)
..............................Flo and Friends Comic Strip (S612c in Supp)
..............................Shoe Comic Strip (S726 in Supp)
..............................Shoe Comic Strip II (S879 in Supp)
..............................Wife Doesn't Embalm Her Husband (S565c)
..............................Talk Before 98 Year Old Man's Funeral (S437)
..............................Soldier's Funeral In Texas (S525c)
..............................Good Answer....... (S239b)
..............................Football Fan's Funeral (S511b)
..............................Gunpowder On Cornflakes (S165, S527)
..............................Taxes And Funerals - Cartoon (S469)
..............................Scattering Your Ashes At Bloomingdales (S379)
..............................B.C. Comic On Funerals (S371b)
..............................Memorial Stone (S321)
..............................Sign In A Window (S318b)
..............................Woman Dies After Three Husbands (S295, S549b)
..............................Widow Writes Obituary (S153, S478b)
..............................Widow Writes Obituary II (S621)
..............................The Wedding Gift (S121)

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Mrs. Carson's Funeral'
         BIRDS-SUPP   - 'A Funeral for Crows' - Photo/Audio
         COLLEGE-PROF - 'Missing The Final Because Of A Funeral'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Man E-Mails His Wife'
         COMP-SUPP2   - 'A Dying Granny'
.........DENTIST file - 'Speaker Forgets His Dentures'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Proctologist Studies In Morgue'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Lazarus Laurel:'
         EPITAPHS file- 'The Death Of Common Sense'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farmer's Mule Kills Mother-In-Law'
         FOOTBALL file- 'Super Bowl Seats'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Life After Death'
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Dead Man Works For A Week'
         GAY file     - 'Three Gays Die'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Golf Match During Funeral'
         GHOSTS file  -  (see for connected jokes)
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Mother Goose And Grimm'
......................- 'Heard From The Coffin'
         HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'The Will'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Reads His Own Obituary'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Old Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Psychiatrist Helps Shy Man'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
         MUSIC file   - 'Dead Man With Cork In Butt'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Mr. Goldstein's Penis Dies'
         POLICS-SUPP  - 'Drug Theft Gone Wrong'
         PREACHER file- 'Minister's First Funeral'
......................- 'Bird Funeral'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Pscyhology Test'
         REDNECK3 file- 'Irish, Mexican, And Redneck Do Construction Work'
         RIDDLE file  - 'A What Am I Riddle #10'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'A What Am I Riddle #42'
         SAILOR-MARINE- 'USS Arizona Pearl Harbor Burial Service' - Two Videos
         SOLDIER1     - 'Military Death Benefits'
         THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Going Back Home For a Neighbors Funeral'

Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S994)
          By Wiley Miller on 7/1/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/07/01
Subj:     The Cab And The Coffin (S535c,dwmv)
          From: drgolfmd on 4/20/2007 (in CabDriver)
 Source: http://jokelibrary.net/occup

 This stunt on a TV show involves calling for a cab four
 times.  Each time pallbearers try to put the coffin in
 the trunk and then try to put the body in the back seat.
 The expressions on the cap driver's faces are cute.  You
 can view this WMV video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Playing With Irving's Ashes (S151, S620)
          From: KMacinty on 12/22/1999
      and From: JBCARY1 0n 6/16/2003

 Martha recently lost her husband.  She had him cremated and
 brought his ashes home.  Picking up the urn he was in, she
 poured him out on the patio table.

 "Irving, you know the dishwasher you promised me?  I bought
 it with the insurance money!" .

 She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes
 then said, "Irving, remember the car you promised me?  Well,
 I also bought it with the insurance money!".

 Again, she paused for a few minutes and tracing her fingers
 in the ashes said, "Irving, that diamond ring you promised
 me?  Bought it too, with the insurance money!".

 Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
 "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?  Here it

Subj:     B.C. Cartoon (S747)
          By Mastroianni and Hart on 7/14/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2011/07/14
Subj:     Mortician Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis (S139, S594b)
          From: mbucher on 09/29/1999
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 6/5/2008

 A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
 examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
 or cremated.  As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
 about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz
 had the longest penis he had ever seen!  "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
 said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with
 a tremendously huge penis like this.  It has to be saved for
 posterity."  With that the coroner used his tools to remove the
 dead man's schlong.  The coroner stuffed his prize into a brief-
 case and took it home.  The first person he showed was his wife.
 "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said,
 and opened his briefcase.

 "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Subj:     Two Old College Friends Meet (S432)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/6/2005

 Then there were these two guys who had gone to the same
 college and become great friends. During college, they had
 a great time.

 Anything that was going on, they were always right in the
 middle of it.  Then they graduated, however, they each went
 their own separate way.  Two or three years later, they ran
 into one another on the street.  They were very happy to
 see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them
 asked the other what he was doing for work.

 "I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.

 "That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were
 always the one looking for excitement."

 "There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained
 the friend.  "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up
 this stiff in a hotel room.  When I entered the room, he
 was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge
 erection.  I didn't want to take him out like that, so I
 took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat...
 You want to talk about excitement???


Subj:     Garfield Comic Strip (S640b)
          By Jim Davis on 4/16/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/garfield/2009/04/16
Subj:     Little Tommy's Fish Dies (S375)
          From: Grampsboyd on 4/4/2004

 (Also see "Dead Goldfish" below
       and "Goldfish Funeral" in Funeral-Supp)

 Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his
 neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
 cheeky-faced youngster was up to.  He politely asked,
 "Whatcha doing, Tommy?"

 "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully without
 looking up. "And I've just buried him."

 The neighbor replied, " I'm sorry to hear that, Tommy.
 He must have been a big one ~ That's a  mighty  big
 hole for a goldfish isn't it?"

 Tommy patted down the last  shovelful of earth  and
 replied, "That's because he's inside your damned  cat."

Subj:     Dead Goldfish (S559b)
..........From: rfslick on 10/2/2007
 (Also see "Little Tommy's Fish Dies" above
.......and "Goldfish Funeral" in Funeral-Supp)

 The story of a little girl and her dead goldfish.
 Click 'HERE' to see the story.

Subj:     Flowers And Funerals - Poem (S596)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/19/2008

 Bring Me All The Flowers Today.

 I would rather have a LITTLE ROSE
 from the garden of a friend
 Than flowers strewn around my casket
 When my days on earth must end.

 I would rather have a LIVING SMILE
 From one I know is true
 Than tears shed around my casket
 When this world I bid adieu

 Bring me all the flowers TODAY
 Whether pink, or white, or red,
 I would rather have ONE BLOSSOM NOW
 Than a truckload when I am dead!!

Subj:     Jock's Funeral (S557)
          From: http://www.buildeazy.com on 9/19/2007

 Jock had passed away and as usual the minister was reciting
 his history and attributes at his funeral.

 "Jock was a great family man, always helping with the dish
 washing and housework, a model husband and father, never
 late out and has not allowed a drop of whisky to pass his

 His widow, squirming in her seat, could stand it no more,
 bent down and whispered to her son, "Jimmy, go on up and
 look in the coffin, I think we might be at the wrong funeral"

Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S945)
          By Stephan Pastis on 2/15/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/07/25
Subj:     Three Men Die w/Smiles On Their Faces (S319)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/10/2003

 Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very
 big smiles on their faces. The Coroner calls the Police
 Inspector to tell him what happened.

 "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst
 making love to his mistress.  Hence the enormous smile,
 Inspector," says the Coroner.

 "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds in the
 Lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning,
 hence the enormous smile."

 The Inspector asks, "What about the third body?"

 "Ah," says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
 Billy-Bob, the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning
 while bass fishing."

 "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

 "Thought he was having his picture taken."

Subj:     Funeral Home Worker Sick (S286b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/21/2002

 Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home,
 woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to
 the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to
 determine the source of the pain.

 My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until
 we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the
 nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was
 suffering from a kidney stone.

 I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call
 the funeral home now?"

 With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's
 not THAT sick!"

Subj:     Mortician At His Class Reunion (S236)
          From: thebartend on 8/10/200

 Three chums, who had been friends since high school, were
 drinking heavily at their reunion.  They started telling
 exciting job related war stories.  As the drinks flowed
 the embellishment became vast.

 George, who had graduated from the police academy, told
 of the gang holdup of the First City National Bank.  He,
 alone, cornered and held the gang in their hideaway until
 reinforcements arrived and the entire gang was arrested
 without injury.  For his service he was awarded the
 Meritorious City Citation.

 Fred, who had trained as a fireman, became the City Fire
 Marshall.  In one major blaze, when a 30 unit apartment
 was subject of a 5 alarm fire call, Fred single handedly
 raced into the burning structure and rescued a woman
 and her three small children, carrying the baby to safety
 within his fire coat.

 Joe, after high school graduation, became a mortician.  He
 enjoyed working with people, the pay was good, and the job
 was quiet.  Joe had only one event that he thought worthy
 of discussion.

 He was working the evening shift when the First City Hotel
 phoned and said that a patron had died and that the mortuary
 should recover the body.

 Joe took the panel body recovery truck and drove to the
 hotel.  There was no parking space available and the only
 loading zone was occupied.

 Joe double parked the truck and took a collapsible gurney
 into the hotel where he was directed to the third floor and
 was instructed to recover the body without disturbing the
 hotel guests.

 Joe said, "When I entered the room I saw this huge man,
 lying in bed, on his back with an enormous erection.  The
 sheet was tented like a pale pyramid.  I didn't know what
 to do.  In that condition he wouldn't fit into a body bag
 and I couldn't just put him on the gurney and wheel him
 into the elevator and out through the lobby."

 "So," Joe continued. "I broke a leg off of a straight back
 chair and thrashed, smashed and beat the day lights out of
 that erection.  It immediately became flaccid"

 George interrupted, "That's interesting, but not exciting."

 "Oh yes it was." Continued Joe "I was in the wrong room."

Subj:     Heart Specialist Doctor's Funeral (S226, S748)
          From: chicababe1978 on 7/10/2005
      and From: allenbergman on 5/18/2011

 A famous heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral.
 A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
 When the minister finished with the sermon and after every-
 one said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin
 rolled inside, and the heart closed.

 Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
 The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

 "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

 "What's so funny about that?"

 When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I'm
 a gynecologist.

 And at that point the questioner fainted.  He was a proctologist.

Subj:     Dying Man Wants To Take It With Him (S208)
          From: RFSlick on 1/23/2001

 (See 'Old Lawyer Wants To Take It With Him' in LAWYER2)

 As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate
 a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his
 considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men
 he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
 He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash
 before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money
 in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three
 agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,
 each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope
 inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery,
 the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows.
 Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know
 he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
 baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave
 me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The
 physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one
 another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full
 $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could
 have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,
 but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.
 I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I
 might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith
 would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said,
 "I'm ashamed of both of you! I put the full 30,000 into
 Smith's coffin, and my personal check is always good."

Subj:     Keep Your Fork (S159)
          From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000

 There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal
 illness and had been given three months to live.  So as she
 was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor
 and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of
 her final wishes.  She told him which songs she wanted sung
 at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and
 what outfit she wanted to be buried in.  The woman also
 requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.

 Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to
 leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very
 important to her.  "There's one more thing," she said
 excitedly.  "What's that?" came the pastor's reply.  "This
 is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be
 buried with a fork in my right hand."

 The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite
 what to say.  "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman
 asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,"
 said the pastor.

 The woman explained.  "In all my years of attending church
 socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when
 the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone
 would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.'  It
 was my favorite part because I knew that something better
 was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple
 pie.  Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just
 want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in
 my hand and I want them to wonder What's with the fork?'.
 Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork....the best
 is yet to come".

 The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged
 the woman good-bye.  He knew this would be one of the last
 times he would see her before her death.  But he also knew
 that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.
 She KNEW that something better was coming.

 At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket
 and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her
 favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand.  Over
 and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the
 fork?"  And over and over he smiled.  During his message,
 the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with
 the woman shortly before she died.  He also told them about
 the fork and about what it symbolized to her.  The pastor
 told the people how he could not stop thinking about the
 fork and told them that they probably would not be able to
 stop thinking about it either.  He was right.

 So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind
 you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.  Friends are
 a very rare jewel, indeed.  They make you smile and encourage
 you to succeed.  They lend an ear, they share a word of praise,
 and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Subj:     Bubba Is Burned And Dies (S133, S642c)
          From: rlr29 on 8/8/99
      and tom on 4/30/2009
Bubba drawing
from Quizarama
 Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue
 needed someone to identify the body.  His two best friends,
 Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

 Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.  Daryl
 said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad.  Roll him over."  The
 mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope,
 ain't Bubba."  The mortician thought that was rather strange.

 Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.  Gomer took a
 look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
 over."  The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down
 and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."  The mortician asked, "How
 can you tell?"

 Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."  "What? He had
 two assholes?", said the mortician.  "Yup, everyone in town
 knew he had two assholes.  Every time we went to town, folks
 would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..."

Subj:     Elderly Man Dying For A Cookie (S115, S514b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #296 ON 4/12/99

 (See 'Husband On His Deathbed' in MARRIAGE4)

 An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.  In death's
 agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
 chocolate ship cookies wafting up the stairs.

 He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
 the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way
 out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced
 himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
 hands.  With labored breath, he leaned against the door
 frame, gazing into the kitchen.  Were it not for death's
 agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
 There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
 were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip

 Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of heroic love
 from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this
 world a happy man?  Mustering one great final effort,
 he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees
 in a rumpled posture.

 His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie
 was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to
 life.  The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its
 way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
 suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.  "Stay out
 of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Subj:     Woman Wakes Up After Funeral (S105, S337b)
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #21 on 99-01-24
      and From: Imogenelumen on 7/9/2003

 A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman
 who has just passed away.  At the end of the service the
 pall bearers are carrying`the casket out when they
 accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

 They hear a faint moan. they open the casket and find that
 the woman is actually alive.

 She lives for ten more years and then dies.  A ceremony is
 again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the
 ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
 As they are walking the husband cries out,  "watch out for
 the wall!

Subj:     Sending Flowers To A New Business (S164)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #41 on 98-02-11
      and From: thebartend on 3/21/00

 A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the
 owner decided to send flowers for the occasion.  He arrived
 at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a
 warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room
 examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants.

 Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an
 attached card bearing this sentiment:

                     "Rest in Peace"

 Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to
 lodge a complaint.  After venting his anger in a lengthy
 tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation.

 "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
 angry.... imagine this:  Somewhere a funeral is taking place
 today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached
 note saying:

           "Congratulations on Your New Location"

Subj:     Two Brothers Bury Dad

 Two brothers, Cy and Matt grew up in the mountains; when they
 were grown, Matt said he was going up North to seek his fortune.
 Cy said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.
 Matt became a salesman, soon was sales manager, then vice-
 president and finally, president of the company.  Before long,
 his business was bought out by a big company out West.  In a
 little while, he became president of the parent company.

 One day Matt got a call from his brother on the farm, who said,
 "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."

 Matt said, "Oh, my goodness.  I have to leave Thursday for a big
 merger meeting in Japan.  I just can't come, but I want you to
 give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me.
 It's the least I can do."

 Well, Cy did that, and in a few weeks, Matt received a bill for
 $6,000., and he paid it.  The following month, a bill for $100.00

 Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it.  The next
 month, another bill for $100. came, and he paid that one, too.
 When another $100. bill arrived the third month, he called his
 brother and asked if he knew why he continued to receive bills.

 "Oh, yes," Cy said, "I think I do.  See, when we got Daddy all
 dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that
 polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and
 since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."

Subj:     The Funeral Line (S131A, S473b)
          From: auntiegah on 2/4/2006

 Walking to his car with the groceries he just bought, Paul
 noticed a very strange funeral procession. There was a single
 car following two hearses, then a line of about forty or so
 men walking behind -- no women anywhere.

 Curiosity got the best of him and Paul decided to find out
 what exactly was going on.  He followed at a reasonable
 distance behind the long line of men, until the cemetery had
 been reached. At the cemetery, Paul parked his car, walked
 up to the only car that was directly behind the hearses.  He
 tapped on the window, and after the window had been rolled
 down, looked in beyond the smoked glass of the limousine to
 see a man and a mean nasty-looking dog together in the back
 seat. The man in the back seat of the limousine broke the
 silence with "Yes?", to which Paul standing outside the car
 said, "Please excuse my intrusion on your privacy, sir, but
 could I please ask what this is all about?"

 The man in the back seat of the limousine said, "No problem
 at all. You see this dog next to me here?  Well he went into
 a blind rage 4 days ago when my mother-in-law came to visit,
 and killed both her and my wife!"

 Paul was somewhat overwhelmed but managed to say, "I'm so
 sorry to hear that."  Then thought about it for a moment and
 said, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog?"  The man
 in the back seat of the limousine smiled slowly and said,
 "Get in line."

Subj:     Blue Suit For Her Husband (S17, S700)
          From: jbcary1 on 9/18/2006
      and From: ginafm on 6/10/2010

 Charlie had a massive heart attack and died.  His body was
 delivered to the mortuary.  He had been wearing an expensive,
 expertly  tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so
 he really looked great, considering the circumstances.

 His wife went to the funeral home to make the final
 arrangements for his interment.  She spoke to the mortician
 about what her husband would be wearing.  The mortician
 pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black
 suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier
 and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

 The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very
 best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit
 for his trip to eternity.  She gave him a blank check and
 said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
 husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the

 The woman came back the next day for the wake.  To her
 delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue
 suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

 She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very
 satisfied.  You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
 How much did you spend?"

 To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the
 blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra
 services.  "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost
 of that exquisite blue suit!" she said.

 The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to
 the blue suit cost nothing.

 Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
 size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,
 wearing an attractive blue suit.

 I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
 wearing an attractive black suit.  She indicated that it
 made no difference, as long as he looked nice.

 So I switched the heads."

Subj:     Short Funeral Jokes

Subj:     Wife Doesn't Embalm Her Husband (S565c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/15/2007
..........Source: (Removed from thepostmanscorner.net)
 You can view this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Talk Before 98 Year Old Man's Funeral (S437)
          From: Dickschu on 6/7/2005
 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
 the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

 "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

 "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

 She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

Subj:     Soldier's Funeral In Texas (S525c)
          From: Glorybbabi on 1/30/2007
 These eleven pictures and story are a wonderful tribute
 to our soldiers and how the state of Texas views our
 soldiers.  You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Good Answer....... (S239b)
          From: KMACINTY on 8/30/2001
 When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
 it seemed that all of my aunts and the
 grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
 poking me in the ribs and cackling,
 telling me, 'You're next.'

 They stopped that crap after I started doing
 the same thing to them at funerals.

Subj:     Football Fan's Funeral (S511b)
          From: drgolfmd on 11/1/2006
 DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote (in hand) AND
 the football game is ON!  Oh yeah, do not miss the new silky
 pjs, slippers and beer!  In addition, are those a pack of
 Newports in his ashtray?  Just when you thought, you have
 seen everything...and yes, this is a regular commercial
 funeral home.

 You can see these five pictures of a football fan's funeral
 on by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Gunpowder On Cornflakes (S165, S527)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 2/20/00
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 2/21/2007
 A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a
 long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder
 on his Cornflakes every morning.  The son did this
 religiously, and he lived to the age of  92.

 When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children,
 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall
 of the crematorium.

Subj:     Taxes And Funerals (S469)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/13/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this informative cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Scattering Your Ashes At Bloomingdales (S379)
          From: DoctorDebt on 4/30/2004
 An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will
 and make her final requests.  She told her rabbi she had
 two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
 second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

 "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed.  "Why Bloomingdales?"

 "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Subj:     B.C. Comic On Funerals (S371b)
          By Johnny Hart on 3/2/04
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2004/03/02
Subj:     Memorial Stone (S321)
          From: JBCARY1 on 3/24/2003
 A woman's husband dies.  He has only $20,000 to his
 name.  After everything is done at the funeral home
 and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there
 is no money left.

 The friend says "How can that be?  You told me he still
 had $20,000 left a few days before he died.  How can
 you be broke?"

 The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000.
 And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to
 the temple, so that was another $2,000.  The rest went
 for the memorial stone.

 The friend says, $12,000 for the memorial stone?  My
 God, how big was it?"

 Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

Subj:     Sign In A Window (S318b)
          From: RFSlick on 3/8/2003
 A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

 This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a
 business in Philadelphia.  You are probably outraged at
 the thought of such an inflammatory statement.  One
 would think that anti-hate groups from all across the
 country would be marching on this business...  And that
 the National Guard might have to be called to keep the
 angry crowds back.  But, perhaps in these stressful times
 one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make
 their statement...  We are a society who holds Freedom of
 Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty...  And after all,
 it is just a sign.  You may ask what kind of business would
 dare post such a sign?
 Answer: A Funeral Home
         (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

Subj:     Woman Dies After Three Husbands (S295, S549b)
          From: thebartend on 9/26/2002
      and From: redcatt on 7/24/2007
 (Also see 'Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands' in Catholic)

 A woman married and had 7 children, and then her husband
 died.  She remarried and had 5 more.  Again, her husband
 died.  She married for the third time and had 3 more
 children.  Alas, she finally died leaving behind her 15

 Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the
 Lord above and thanked Him for this loving woman who
 fulfilled his commandment to 'Go forth and multiply'.

 In his eulogy the preacher said, 'Lord, they are finally

 Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked
 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

 The neighbor replied, 'I think he means her legs'.

Subj:     Widow Writes Obituary (S153, S478b)
          From: mbucher on 01/05/2000
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/17/2006
 The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
 "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed"? asked a woman.
 "It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely.
 "Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?"
 "Yes ma'am."
 "Got some paper?"
 "Yes ma'am."
 "Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'."
 "That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly.
 "That's it."
 "I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word
 "Yes, you should've," snapped the woman.  Now let me think a
  minute... okay, got  a pencil?"
 "Yes ma'am."
 "Got some paper?"
 "Yes, ma'am."
  Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale."

Subj:     Widow Writes Obituary II (S621)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/12/2008
 When the husband finally died, his wife put the
 death notice in the paper, but added that he died
 of gonorrhea.

 No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend
 of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You
 know very well that he died of diarrhea, not

 Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so
 of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought
 it would be better for posterity to remember him as
 a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

Subj:     The Wedding Gift (S121)
          From: smiles on 5/23/99
 A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and
 accepted his offer of marriage.  They received many gifts
 at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels
 embroidered with the words.... "hiss and hearse"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2001 (S255)
 For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
 to grow but phone calls taper off."  -- Johnny Carson

From: dogbyte on 1/18/2002 (S260)
 Did you know that 1 out of every 10,000 people
   dies from injuries sustained while cutting
      coupons out of the Sunday newspaper?

From: tadams96 on 10/30/2002 (S300b)
 "Life is hard.  Then you die.  Then they throw dirt
 in your face.  Then the worms eat you.  Be grateful
 it happens in that order."  -- Solomon Short

From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004 (S378b)
 Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/13/2004 (S412b)
 The only two things we do with greater frequency
 in middle age are urinate and attend funerals

From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
  saying I approved of it."  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/27/2007 (S527b)
 "No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful,
 when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty
 much depend on the weather."  -- Michael Pritchard

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/16/2007 (S539b)
 I've learned that if you don't want to get old
 you have to die young.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/26/2004 (S410b)
 Q: What did the wife say when her husband announced
    that he was going to become a necrophiliac?
 A: "Over my dead body"

                           -(o o)-
.............................Microwave from Armed and Dangerous Smilies