epitaphs

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Subj: Grave Epitaphs (Gz)
(Includes 50 jokes and articles)

Also see FUNERAL file - 'Widow Writes Obituary'
......................- 'Memorial Stone'
         GRAVEYARD    - (SEE WHOLE FILE)
         JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Dead Man Works For A Week'
         RIDDLE file - 'A What Am I Riddle #7'
         SOUTHERN     - 'Billy Bob Dies'
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Subj:     Mexican Epitaphs (S580c)
          From: darrellvip on 2/27/2008

This PowerPoint Show of Mexican Epitaphs is great. You
can read these funny one-liners by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     The Death Of Common Sense (S286, S457)
          From: ICohen on 7/18/2002
      and From: gayleheckman on 10/27/2005

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name
of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died
from heart failure early in the new millennium. No one
really knows how old he was since his birth records were
long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly
devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes,
factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without
fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly
laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense.
He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to
know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets
the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting
strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and
it's okay to come in second (or even last, as long as your
best efforts were given).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression,
and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived
cultural and educational trends including body piercing,
whole language and "new math." But his health declined
when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-
person-it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for
the ravages of overbearing regulations. He watched in pain
as self-seeking lawyers ruled good people. His health
rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented
zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch,
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It
declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot
inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or
wants an abortion.

Eventually, Common Sense lost his will to live as churches
became businesses, criminals received better treatment than
victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything
from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, a woman who was not smart enough to realize that
coffee is hot, and was awarded a huge payout for her
stupidity, caused Common Sense to finally throw in the towel.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers:
My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.

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Subj:     Lawyer's Epitaph (S222)
          From: thebartend on 5/1/2001

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tomb-
stone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange,
an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men
were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read
it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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Subj:     Halloween Tombstones
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

        Justin Tyme
        Yetta Nother
        Barry A. Live
        Dawn Under
        Ted N. Buried
        Yul B. Next
        Bill M. Lader
        Lefty B. Hynde
        Kerry M. Off
        Fester N. Rott
        Reid N. Weep
        Sue D'Bum
        Jess Gough
        Barry M. Deep
        U. R. Gone
        Otta B. Alive
        Mummy B. Ware
        Berry D. Hatchet
        Wil B. Back
        R. U. Next
        Dr. Izzy Gone
        Emma Ghost
        M. T. Tomb

        Here lies my wife,
        I bid her goodbye.
        She rests in peace
        and now so do I.

        Here lies Henry Blake
        -+-
        He stepped on the gas
        Instead of the brake.

Here lies Vlad the Impaler ~
He bit off more than he could chew

Here lies the Pillsbury Dough Boy ~
He will rise again

GO HOME
(accompanied w/ a bloody handprint)

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Subj:     Walt Disney World's Haunted Mansion Tombstones
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

In some cases, which Imagineer they reference to:

RIP GOOD FRIEND GORDON now you've crossed the river jordan

RIP in memorium uncle myall HERE YOU'LL REST FOR QUITE A
WHILE (Chuck Myall - Art Director)

REST IN PEACE COUSIN HUET we all know you didn't do it

HERE RESTS WATHEL R. BENDER he rode to glory on a fender
(Wathel Rodgers - illusionist, mechanical genius)

HERE LIES GOOD OLD FRED a great big rock fell on his head

AT PEACEFUL REST LIES BROTHER CLAUDE planted here beneath
this sod (Claude Coates - Art Director, Master of Paint
Effects and Lighting)

RIP MR. SEWELL the victim of a dirty duel
(Ted(?) Sewell - Engineer/Draughtsman(?))

IN MEMORY OF OUR PATRIARCH dear departed grandpa marc
(Marc Davis illustrator, idea man, funniest Imagineer)

REQUIESCAT FRANCIS XAVIER no time off for good behavior RIP
(Xavier Atencio - scriptwriter, and lyricist, Grim Grinning
Ghosts

DEAR DEPARTED BROTHER DAVE he chased a bear into a cave

MASTER GRACEY LAID TO REST no mourning please at his request
(Yale Gracey - illusionist)

HERE LIES A MAN NAMED MARTIN the lights went out on this
old spartan

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Subj:     Classics From REAL Graves:
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

        Here I lie
        And no wonder I'm dead,
        For the wheel of a semi
        Went over my head.

Here lies Lester More.
No Les no more ...

Paul VanGraafeiland writes:
"I knew that I had seen more information about this epitaph
somewhere. I just found it at http://www.thehistorynet.com/,
an amazing source of history. To take an excerpt from an
article by Ben Traywick on Boothill cemetary in Tombstone, AZ:"

Lester Moore was employed as a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent
in the border town of Naco. Hank Dunstan showed up to claim a
package one afternoon. He received it, but it was thoroughly
mangled. An argument ensued, and both Moore and Dunstan reached
for their six shooters. When the smoke cleared, Les Moore lay
dead behind his window with four .44 slugs in his chest. Dunstan,
too, lay dying, a hole blasted through his ribs by the one shot
Moore had been able to get off before he collapsed. Les Moore
was given a space in Boothill and an epitaph that has made him
famous: "HERE LIES LESTER MOORE, FOUR SLUGS FROM A 44, NO LES
NO MORE." There is no evidence to indicate where Dunstan was buried.

Kip Connor did a little research and explains
Who is the Jack in Jack-O-Lanterns:

He's an ancient blacksmith who made a deal with the devil,
trading his soul for seven years of prosperity. But he also
got three wishes from Jesus and St. Peter: Anyone who climbed
the pear tree, sat in his armchair, or climbed into his purse
must remain there until jack let them go. When the devil came
for Jack's soul, Jack tricked him into climbing the tree. The
devil gave Jack seven more years of prosperity in exchange for
his freedom. When the devil came back after another seven years,
Jack trapped him in his armchair. Then, when the devil came back
seven years later, he hoped to sneak up on Jack by disguising
himself as an insect...Jack trapped him in his purse.

[Kip's favorite part:] ....When Jack finally went to the under-
world, the devil told him that he didn't want him around and
he should go to St. Peter. As he left, Jack grabbed a burning
coal and placed it in a pumpkin that he was eating, using it
as a lantern to see his way to heaven. The demons who saw it
knew to steer clear of the clever Jack... and to this day, we
use jack-o-lantern's to frighten away evil spirits.

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Subj:     Hidden Headstone Meaning (S398b)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/26/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200407/045.htm

Were you able to spot the real sentiment? If not,
scroll down. This is an actual stone in Mount
Royal Cemetary located in the center of Montreal.
With friends like these...

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Subj:     Tombstone Humor (S84, S581c)
          From: mbucher on 98-09-06
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 3/5/2008

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

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In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

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Playing with names in a
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

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Memory of an accident in a
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

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A widow wrote this epitaph in
a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a
good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

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A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

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Someone determined to be
anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

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John Penny's epitaph in the
Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

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On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond,
Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but
nobody believed her.

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In a cemetery in
Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg
Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing
that made her go.

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More fun with names with Owen Moore
in Battersea, London, England:
               Gone away
               Owin' more
               Than he could pay.

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Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
               In Memory of Beza Wood
               Departed this life
               Nov. 2, 1837
               Aged 45 yrs.
               Here lies one Wood
               Enclosed in wood
               One Wood
               Within another.
               The outer wood
               Is very good:
               We cannot praise
               The other.

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On a grave from the 1880's in
Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

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The grave of Ellen Shannon in
Girard, Pennsylvania is
almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

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Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of
Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on
the way down. It was.

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Subj:     Couple Buy Each Other Tombstones (S213)
          From: sking on 97-07-18
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/3/2001

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift
- a tombstone, with the inscription, "Here lies my wife -
cold as ever."

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a
tombstone - on which the inscription read, "Here lies my
husband - stiff at last."

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Subj:     Epitaph Of A Virgin
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #18 on 98-01-20

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old
age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told
the local undertaker that she wanted the following
inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the
undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men
went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were,
they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened"

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Subj:     Other Epitaphs
          From: OXyMoron Humour Archive on 07/04/97
          Based on a Laugh of the Day, Apr 1997.

From a graveyard in Aberdeen, Scotland
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.

From elsewhere
Here lies my poor wife,
Without bed or blankit,
But dead as a door-nail,
God be thankit.

To the four husbands of Miss Ivy Saunders
1790, 1794, 1808, 18??
Here lies my husbands, One, Two, Three
Dumb as men could ever be
As for my Fourth, well, praise be God
He bides for a little above the sod
Alex, Ben, Sandy were the
First three names
And to make things tidy
I'll add his - James.

Here lies my wife.
Here let her lie!
Now she's at rest
And so am I.

The inscription on W. C. Fields' grave stone reads
"I would rather be here than in Philadelphia"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #122 on 98-05-17
They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead
unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/10/2002 (S259)
Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

From: LABLaughsClean on 11/25/2004 (S410b)
Source: The New York Times
He was a simple man who died of complications

He came into the world without my consent
and left in the same manner

Stranger, tread this ground with gravity
Dentist Brown is filling his own cavity

From: ft.apache on 6/27/2008 (S598b)
In a cemetery in England:
   Remember man, as you walk by,
   As you are now, so once was I
   As I am now, so shall you be.
   Remember this and follow me.

To which, someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you, I'll not consent.
Until I know, which way you went!

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Subj:     Popeye's Epitaph (S506b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 10/2/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060930

You can read Popeye's epitaph at the source above, or on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Smiley gets that run down feeling from
Smiley Faces

.


	Were you able to spot the real sentiment? If not, scroll down. This is an actual stone in Mount Royal Cemetary located in the center of Montreal. With friends like these...