Subj:     Graveyard Jokes
                 (Includes 19 jokes and articles, 18 1061,7,cLf,vXT5a,2)

The Raven
Mike's Animation
Contains the following:  Shoe Comic Strip  II (S880)
.........................Two Women Pee In A Graveyard (S279)
.........................Coffin Attack (S143, S701a)
.........................Graveyard Statue - Cartoon (S400b)
.........................Distraught Graveyard Visitor (S22, S623c)
.........................Mother-In-Law's Threat (S191, DU)
.........................Last Words - Cartoon (S408)
.........................Counting Nuts In The Graveyard (S299, S631b)
.........................Shoe Comic Strip (S849)
                         Short Graveyard Jokes
..............................Arlington at Christmas - Videos (S568)
..............................What To Do With A Dead Relative (S290)
..............................Painted Ceiling In The Smoking Area (S518b)
..............................Chinese Grave Robbers (S289b)
..............................Graveyard Bumper Sticker (S515b)
..............................Montana Rancher Dies (S289b)
..............................An Ode To Egoism (S211)
..............................Graveyard Shift (S426b)

Also see BANK-SUPP    - 'Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die'
         DENTIST file - 'Speaker Forgets His Dentures'
         GRAV-EPITAPHS-  (The whole file)
         FACTS5 file  - 'A Little History From the 1500s'
         FUNERAL file - 'Gunpowder On Cornflakes'
......................- 'Memorial Stone'
         GHOSTS file  - 'Two Men In A Grave Yard'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Three Irish In The Graveyard'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
         MUSIC file   - 'Mozart Dies'
         NUNS1 file   - 'A Nun And A Hippie On A Bus'
         PHONE file   - 'You Won't Believe This Phone Bill'
         PRISON file  - 'Woman Plans Prison Break'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Just A Common Soldier' - Poem
         TEAR JERKER1 - 'Flowers For Mom'
         THO-LEAR-SUP3- 'Non Sequitur Comic Strips'

Subj:     Shoe Comic Strip II (S880)
          By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 11/16/2013
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2013/11/16
Subj:     Two Women Pee In A Graveyard (S279, S1061)
          From: KMACINTY on 6/6/2002
      and From: auntiegah on 10/31/2005

 Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.  As
 they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they
 felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop
 was a cemetery.  Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided
 to go there anyway.

 The first one did not have anything to clean herself with,
 so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
 and discarded them.  The second not finding anything either,
 thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used
 the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

 The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
 other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to
 be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no
 good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."

 The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with
 a card stuck to her ass that read, 'From all of us at the
 Fire Station.  We'll never forget you'."....

Subj:     Coffin Attack (S143, S701a)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/26/1999

 A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a
 BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him.  Walking faster, he
 looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin
 banging its way down the middle of the street towards

 The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin
 bounces quickly after him, faster...faster ...BUMP ...
 BUMP ...BUMP.  He runs up to his door, fumbles with his
 keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind
 him.  However, the coffin crashes through his door, with
 the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on
 the heels of the terrified man.

 Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
 His heart is pounding.  With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down
 the door.  Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming,
 reaches for something, anything...

 All he can find is a box of cough drops!

 Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...


 ...the coffin stops!

Subj:     Graveyard Statue (S400b)
          Created by Dan Reynolds on 9/13/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/ct200408/016.htm)
Subj:     Distraught Graveyard Visitor (S22, S623c)
          From: ossama on 98-08-24

 A friend reminded me about the time he was putting flowers
 on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed a man, very
 distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.
 The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front
 of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to
 heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly,
 "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

 Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over
 to the poor man to try and console him.  "Why did you die?
 Why did you die?"  Again and again.  Cal gently put his
 arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grand-
 mother is buried just over there.  Is a loved one of yours
 buried here?"

 "No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

Subj:     Mother-In-Law's Threat (S191, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 9/24/00

 A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfort-
 unately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a
 very cranky and spiteful person.  In the morning when my
 buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak
 around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat
 my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and
 haunt you!"

 When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law
 would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't
 treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave
 and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a
 well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up
 from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter
 right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you."

 Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while
 having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling.
 He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!"
 I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat?
 He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I
 don't care!"

Subj:     Last Words (S408)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/10/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/ct200409/040.htm)
Subj:     Counting Nuts In The Graveyard (S299, S631b)
          From: RFSlick on 10/23/2002
      and From: darrell94590 on 2/11/2006

 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
 pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day,
 two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
 the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
 said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward
 the fence.  Another boy came riding along the road on
 his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices
 from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.
 Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for
 you, one for me."

 He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's
 Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.
 He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the
 bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.  "Come
 here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
 heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
 dividing up the souls."  The man said, "Beat it kid, can't
 you see it's hard for me to walk."

 When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
 cemetery.  Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you,
 one for me.  One for you, one for me..."  The old man
 whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's
 see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear,
 they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
 see anything.

 The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of
 the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
 glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard, "One for you,
 one for me."  And one last "One for you, one for me.
 That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
 and we'll be done."

 ... They say the old man made it back to town a full
 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Subj:     Shoe Comic Strip (S849)
          By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 4/19/2013
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2013/04/19

Subj:     Short Graveyard Jokes

Subj:     Arlington at Christmas (S568d-Object)
          From: tom on 12/5/2007
 Source: www.wreaths-across-america.org/
 This is a very moving, true story about one man's effort
 to honor our fallen soldiers.  You can read and view
 this video about his efforts by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     What To Do With A Dead Relative (S290)
          From: jerry on 8/21/2002
 According to Atlantic Monthly magazine the human body is
 worth only a few dollars.  But not anymore!  With a little
 bit of this and a little bit of that, and the right pressure
 in the right places, it can be worth about $4,000.

 Life Gem, an Illinois company, says it can turn cremated
 remains into diamonds for about $4,000.  They remove the
 carbon, turn it into graphite and simulate the conditions
 that create a diamond, and voila, your no good smelly
 brother-in-law is now, as he always told you, a diamond in
 the rough weighing in at about a quarter caret.

 KTRK TV, Channel 13 (Houston, Texas)

Subj:    Painted Ceiling In The Smoking Area (S518b in Job-Stuff-Supp)
         From: auntiegah on 12/19/2006
 This is a very creative way to get smokers to think about
 quitting.  You cam view this ceiling by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Chinese Grave Robbers (S289b)
          From: jerry on 8/11/2002
 A Chinese syndicate was caught by Chinese police stealing
 female corpses from graves and selling them to people in
 the north-western Shaanxi province who believe in marrying
 an unmarried dead man to a dead woman so the man's spirit
 will settle into the nether world.

 This is apparently not uncommon. And the younger the dead
 woman is, the higher the price the grave stealers get.

 Straits Times of Singapore 4-Aug-02

Subj:     Graveyard Bumper Sticker (S515b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 11/27/06
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cute, sick, but true bumper sticker by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Montana Rancher Dies (S289b)
          From: jerry on 8/13/2002
 A deceased Bozeman, Montana, cattle rancher, to make sure
 he would get regular visits, has arranged for an ATM to be
 installed at his gravesite after giving each of the ten
 heirs debit cards.  They are each allowed to withdraw $300
 per week from the machine.

 Wireless Flash 13-Aug-02

Subj:     An Ode To Egoism (S211)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/15/2001
 I am anxious after praise;
 I sometimes wish it were not so:
 I hate to think I spend my days
 Waiting for what I do not know.

 I even hope that when I'm dead
 The worms won't find me wholly vicious,
 But, as they masticate my head,
 Will smack their lips and cry "Delicious!"

Subj:     Graveyard Shift (S426b)
 Source: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/graveyard-shift.html
 Part of:  A Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
 England is old and small and they started out running out of
 places to bury people.  So they would dig up coffins and
 would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
 When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found
 to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they
 had been burying people alive.  So they thought they would
 tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
 coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
 Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
 (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, some-
 one could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead

From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12 (S355b)
 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/24/2002 (S295b)
 The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
   -- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
 people would stop dying.  -- Ed Furgol

                           -(o o)-
...............................From Smiley_Central