Subj: Graveyard Jokes
(Includes 19 jokes and articles, 17 1105n,7,cL2f,vXT5a,2)
Also see BANK-SUPP
- 'Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You
DENTIST file - 'Speaker Forgets His Dentures'
GRAV-EPITAPHS- (The whole file)
FACTS5 file - 'A Little History From the 1500s'
FUNERAL file - 'Gunpowder On Cornflakes'
......................- 'Memorial Stone'
GHOSTS file - 'Two Men In A Grave Yard'
IRISH1 file - 'Three Irish In The Graveyard'
MARRIAGE6 - 'Mother-In-Law Dies In Jerusalem'
MUSIC file - 'Mozart Dies'
NUNS1 file - 'A Nun And A Hippie On A Bus'
PHONE file - 'You Won't Believe This Phone Bill'
PRISON file - 'Woman Plans Prison Break'
SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Just A Common Soldier' - Poem
TEAR JERKER1 - 'Flowers For Mom'
THO-LEAR-SUP3- 'Non Sequitur Comic Strips'
Subj: Shoe Comic Strip II (S880)
By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins in 2013
Subj: Two Women Pee In A Graveyard (S279, S1061)
From: KMACINTY in 2002
Two women go out one weekend
without their husbands. As
they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they
felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop
was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided
to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything
to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
and discarded them. The second not finding anything either,
thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used
the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands
were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to
be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no
good last night. My wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded, "You're
lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that read, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you'."....
Subj: Coffin Attack (S143, S701a)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 1999
A man was walking home alone
one night when he hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he
looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards
The man begins to run towards
his home, and the coffin
bounces quickly after him, faster...faster ...BUMP ...
BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind
him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with
the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on
the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,
the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down
the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming,
reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...the coffin stops!
Subj: Graveyard Statue (S400b)
By Dan Reynolds in 2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/ct200408/016.htm)
Subj: Distraught Graveyard Visitor (S22, S623c)
From: ossama on 98-08-24
A friend reminded me about the
time he was putting flowers
on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed a man, very
distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.
The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front
of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to
heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly,
"Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.
Cal was overcome with emotion
at the sight and went over
to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die?
Why did you die?" Again and again. Cal gently put his
arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grand-
mother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours
"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
Subj: Mother-In-Law's Threat (S191, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 2000
A former friend of mine was married
to a great gal; unfort-
unately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a
very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my
buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak
around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat
my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and
When the poor guy would stop
in for lunch, his mother-in-law
would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't
treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave
and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a
well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up
from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter
right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you."
Well, I happened to bump into
my buddy a month ago and while
having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling.
He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!"
I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat?
He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I
Subj: Last Words (S408)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/ct200409/040.htm)
Subj: Counting Nuts In The Graveyard (S299, S631b)
From: RFSlick in 2002
On the outskirts of a small town,
there was a big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward
the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on
his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh
my", he shuddered, it's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come
here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't
you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man
whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
The old man and the boy gripped
the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you,
one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me.
That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll be done."
... They say the old man made
it back to town a full
5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Subj: Shoe Comic Strip (S849)
By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins in 2013
Subj: Short Graveyard Jokes
Arlington at Christmas
..........in 2007 (S568d-iFrame)
Subj: What To Do With A Dead Relative (S290)
From: jerry in 2002
According to Atlantic Monthly magazine the human body is
worth only a few dollars. But not anymore! With a little
bit of this and a little bit of that, and the right pressure
in the right places, it can be worth about $4,000.
Life Gem, an Illinois company,
says it can turn cremated
remains into diamonds for about $4,000. They remove the
carbon, turn it into graphite and simulate the conditions
that create a diamond, and voila, your no good smelly
brother-in-law is now, as he always told you, a diamond in
the rough weighing in at about a quarter caret.
KTRK TV, Channel 13 (Houston,
Painted Ceiling In The Smoking Area
From: auntiegah in 2006
.........(S518b in Job-Stuff-Supp)
Subj: Chinese Grave Robbers (S289b)
From: jerry in 2002
A Chinese syndicate was caught by Chinese police stealing
female corpses from graves and selling them to people in
the north-western Shaanxi province who believe in marrying
an unmarried dead man to a dead woman so the man's spirit
will settle into the nether world.
This is apparently not uncommon.
And the younger the dead
woman is, the higher the price the grave stealers get.
Straits Times of Singapore 4-Aug-02
Graveyard Bumper Sticker
..........in 2006 (S515b)
Subj: Montana Rancher Dies (S289b)
From: jerry in 2002
A deceased Bozeman, Montana, cattle rancher, to make sure
he would get regular visits, has arranged for an ATM to be
installed at his gravesite after giving each of the ten
heirs debit cards. They are each allowed to withdraw $300
per week from the machine.
Wireless Flash 13-Aug-02
Subj: An Ode To Egoism (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com in 2001
I am anxious after praise;
I sometimes wish it were not so:
I hate to think I spend my days
Waiting for what I do not know.
I even hope that when I'm dead
The worms won't find me wholly vicious,
But, as they masticate my head,
Will smack their lips and cry "Delicious!"
Subj: Graveyard Shift (S426b)
Source: (Removed from phrases.org.uk/meanings)
Part of: A Little History From the 1500s in FACTS5
England is old and small and they started out running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and
would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they
had been burying people alive. So they thought they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, some-
one could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
From: LABLaughs.com in 2002 (S295b)
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
-- Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
From: Imogenelumen in 2004 (S366)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying. -- Ed Furgol