movies

>>>
Subj: Movies, TV, And Plays Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 74 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Movie_Etc-Supp
Click "Here" for Movie_Etc-Supp2

Cameraman from
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio

Also see ACCIDENTS1   - 'Jerome Irving Rodale's Death'
         ARAB file    - 'Funny Quotes About Osama'
         ASCII ART I - 'The Simsons'
.........AUSTRALIAN   - 'Sean Connery Has Sex Three Times'
         BIRDS file   - 'The Gooney Bird And The TV'
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
         BIRDS-DUCKS - 'The Rise And Fall Of The Aflac Duck'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Dumb Blonde On Game Show'
......................- 'Blonde Rents Porn Tape'
         BUCKLEY file - 'Lord Buckley'
         CARTOON file - (see whole file)
         CHICKEN file - 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
         CLOTHING     - 'Magic Cloths'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'Using A Caulking Gun Correctly'
......................- 'Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company'
         DOG1 file    - 'Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog'
         DOG2 file    - 'Mother Goose And Grimm On James Bond'
         DOG3 file    - 'The Dog And The Pool' on The Elen Degeneres Show'
......................- 'Lady With Dog Leaves Movie'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'Gin The Dog'
         DRINKINGBEER2- 'Truth About Drinking Beer'
......................- 'Norm Peterson, from the TV show Cheers!'
         DOONSBURY    - (many Arnold pictures)
         FRENCH file - Hannibal Lecter on France
        FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's Brownies'
         ITALIAN file - 'The Sopranos Explanation Site'
         JESUS file   - 'Proof that Elvis was Jesus'
         MATH1 file   - 'Johnny Doesn't Pay Attention In Class'
         MENandWOMEN2 - 'Remote Controls For Men And Women'
         MOVIES file - 'PumpCast News'
......................- 'The Morning Radio Show'
......................-(see whole file)
         MUSIC file   - 'Paul McCartney Tickets'
......................- 'Action Stars Portray Famous Composers'
         MUSIC-SUPP   - 'Bon Jovi And The Insult Comic Dog'
         NATIONAL file- 'America Why I Love Her by John Wayne'
         OTHER_OCCUP - 'Steve Martin's Magic Act'
......................- 'Triumph Gives The Hawaii Weather Report'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'Telemarketer Nightmare' - Radio
         PLANE-SUPP   - 'Frank Sinatra Parody' - Radio
         POLIT-SUPP   - 'Bob Hope's One-Liner' - Movie
         PREACHER file- 'Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher'
         PRIEST3 file - 'Elvis is Back'
         PUSSY file   - 'Raquel Welch Visits The Tonight Show'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Austin Powers Pick-Up Lines'
......................- 'Goldwynisms'
         QTS-COMED-SUP- 'Jeff Dunham And Walter'
         SOLDIER1 file- 'ER Doctors Discusses Vets'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'The Lee Marvin Story'
         TEST-SUPP    - 'Quiz: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'
============================================================Top

Subj:     Celebrity Love Child (S462b)
          From: igiggle on 12/2/2005
          From: NtlWorld.com

Source: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/ashen/cartoon/morph.html
NtlWorld merged the faces of 20 celebrity pairs to discover
what their offspring might look like. Can you determine the
parents? You can play the game on the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Movie Titles for an Aging James Bond (S238)
          From: drribeiro on 8/20/2001

The Top 15 James Bond Movie Titles
if Pierce Brosnan Doesn't Retire Soon

15. Glovedfinger
14. Never Say Never Again, Thanks To Viagra
13. Dr. No Bladder Control
12. Grumpy Old Spies
11. The Spy Who Loved Me On The Third Try, Then Rolled
Over and Slept All Afternoon
10. Dude, Where's My Aston Martin?
9. From Tampa, With Love
8. For Your Good Eye Only
7. Dr., No! Not Another Prostate Exam!
6. On Her Majesty's Coroner's Table
5. Lawnraker
4. The Man With the Golden Girls
3. License to Kill (Daylight Hours Only)
2. Octogenarianpussy

and Topfive.com's Number 1 James Bond Movie
Title if Pierce Brosnan Doesn't Retire Soon...

1. ColdSphincter

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     If Schwarzenegger Was Gov Of Calif. (S217)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 3/22/2001

IF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WAS GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA...

10. His promise to Californians: "The electricty will be
baaaaaack!" -Daven Tink, Joke-of-the-Day

9. He could wrestle Jesse Ventura -- winner gets the
loser’s state! -Russ Cornelius, Joke-of-the-Day

8. Formal state dinners held at Planet Hollywood.
-Scott Barden, Political Jokes

7. Democratic celebrities would mysteriously start
disappearing. -Margaret Kenny, Joke-of-the-Day

6. There would be a new Survivor 3, based on "The
Running Man." -Huracan, Sports Jokes

5. He and George W. Bush could help each other get
edjumacated in speaking English. -Razbrry, Political Jokes

4. His office: Muscle Beach
-Dale Montoure, Farm Jokes

3. Ronald Reagan would be granted Total Recall.
-Don Woolson, College Jokes

2. Citizens would do hard time for flabby triceps.
-Cindy Ruiz, Teen-Jokes

1. He would have to give up his current job and start acting
for a living! -Karen Doiron (Joke-of-the-Day)

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Man w/Ugly Name Wants To Act (S209)
          From: gheckman on 1/27/2001

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a
Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The
agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small port-
folio with the care that was deserving of this fine young
specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor
of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might
be aware of?"

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no
sir," said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours,"
said the agent.

"Sir?"

"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will
go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll
have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian
name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's
name. We have proudly carried this name for generations
and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you,
young man."

"Then I bid you farewell - my name will not change." With
that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to
return.

Five Years Later...

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with
some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk
mail, trade journals and the like.

There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed
the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check
dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at
the check. It was for $ 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to
become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I
changed my name. I objected, saying The Penis Van Lesbian
name had been carried for generations and left your
office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my
hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to
heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I
am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions
worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is
often that I think back to my meeting with you and your
insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of
gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble
thanks, for it was your idea, which has brought me to such
wealth and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Man Who Had No Face (S181)
          From: octagon999 on 7/17/00

Here is a true story by Paul Harvey. Pass it to anyone who
you think would find it interesting and inspiring. You
will be surprised who this young man turns out to be. (Do
not look at the bottom of this letter until you have read
it fully)

Years ago, a hardworking man took his family from New York
State to Australia to take advantage of a work opportunity
there. Part of this man's family was a handsome young son
who had aspirations of joining the circus as a trapeze
artist or an actor.

This young fellow, biding his time until a circus job or
even one as a stagehand came along, worked at the local
shipyards which bordered on the worst section of town.

Walking home from work one evening, this young man was
attacked by five thugs wanting to rob him. Instead of just
giving up his money the young fellow resisted. However
they bested him easily and proceeded to beat him to a pulp.
They mashed his face with their boots, and kicked and beat
his body brutally with clubs, leaving him for dead. When
the police happened to find him lying in the road they
assumed he was dead and called for the Morgue Wagon.

On the way to the morgue a policeman heard him gasp for air,
and they immediately took him to the emergency unit at the
hospital. When he was placed on a gurney a nurse remarked,
to her horror, that this young man no longer had a face.
Each eye socket was smashed, his skull, legs, and arms
fractured, his nose literally hanging from his face, all
his teeth were gone, and his jaw was almost completely torn
from his skull.

Although his life was spared, he spent over a year in the
hospital. When he finally left, his body may have healed
but his face was disgusting to look at. He was no longer
the handsome youth that everyone admired.

When the young man started to look for work again he was
turned down by everyone just on account of the way he looked.
One potential employer suggested to him that he join the
freak show at the circus as The Man Who Had No Face. And he
did this for a while. He was still rejected by everyone and
no one wanted to be seen in his company. He had thoughts of
suicide. This went on for five years.

One day he passed a church and sought some solace there.
Entering the church he encountered a priest who had seen him
sobbing while kneeling in a pew. The priest took pity on
him and took him to the rectory where they talked at length.
The priest was impressed with him to such a degree that he
said that he would do everything possible for him that could
be done to restore his dignity and life, if the young man
would promise to be the best Catholic he could be, and trust
in God's mercy to free him from his torturous life.

The young man went to Mass and communion every day, and after
thanking God for saving his life, asked God to only give him
peace of mind and the grace to be the best man he could ever
be in His eyes.

The priest, through his personal contacts was able to secure
the services of the best plastic surgeon in Australia. There
would be no cost to the young man, as the doctor was the
priest's best friend. The doctor too was so impressed by the
young man. Whose outlook now on life, even though he had
experienced the worst, was filled with good humor and love.

The surgery was a miraculous success. All the best dental
work was also done for him. The young man became everything
he promised God he would be. He was also blessed with a
wonderful, beautiful wife, many children, and success in an
industry which would have been the furthest thing from his
mind as a career, if not for the goodness of God and the love
of the people who cared for him. This he acknowledges publicly.

scroll down . . . . . . .

The young man. Mel Gibson.

His life was the inspiration for his production of the movie
"The Man Without A Face."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     Pets On Stage (S171)
          From: Anaise on 5/9/00
Drawing from Flicker.com

This story is so long it must have it's own web page.
Click 'HERE' to view it

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (S161)
          From: RFSlick on 2/29/00

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one evening,
and he asks, Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?

No, she replies.

Is that your final answer?

Yes, that's my final answer, she insists.

The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks,
May I phone a friend?

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Mary Poppins Stays At A Hotel (S136)
          From: PGSP4LIFE on 9/2/99

Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather,
she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached
the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied curteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary.

"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available
all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would
like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.

"Certainly madam", he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached,"
Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and
went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down
early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam..sleep well?"

"Yes thank you", Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional,
I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though.
They really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully.

"Oh..well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts
to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve
our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out,
paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving,
she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written. Here it is...

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Complete Home Entertainment Center (S411b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/2/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/at200409/079.htm

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Switzers And Gibutosis In Movies (DU)
          From: PGM2R4U on 8/8/99

Note from the TRIVIA ENCYCLOPIA by Fred L. Worth.

The early movies comidies of the nineteen thirties and forties
included a short reel between double features serial named,
OUR GANG COMEDY, later adapted to the "LITTLE RASCALS".

Included in such comedy series were young school and pre-
school actors then named Alphalpha (SWITZER), Spanky
(McFarland), Buckwheat (Thomas), Darla (Hood), Porky (Lee)
and others. CARL SWITZER who played the part of Alphalpha,
also played in several movies, including one starring
Elizabeth Taylor, "There's one born every minute". Bobby
Blake, (Mickey Gibutosi) Co-Star of "In Cold Blood", the
story of a Kansas murder case, was also an early member of
Our Gang.

Making one want to laugh seems to run in the Switzer family
but not in the Gibutosi family..

Pat Maher de Vallejo

P.S. We are loaded with TRIVIA. Question-What does SHAZAM MEAN.

                            \\\//
                          -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Saving Private Ryan (S91)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-22

I can't say that I've seen many movies in my life that I
was truly impressed by and one that also affected me so
emotionally. I just saw Saving Private Ryan the other day.
What a movie! Hold on to your seat from the start.

I could describe my thoughts and emotions during and after,
but I'm not sure I'd serve the movie justice. Just returned
home for 2 days with the family and found a couple of
interesting e-mails about the movie. I thought they were
good enough to pass on. If you haven't seen the movie,
whole heartedly recommend it. If you don't like gore,
remember it's only a movie. You tough guys can handle it,
but for most, beware that you're going to see some of the
most horrific violence one can see on the scene - I've been
told from those few who've seen war up close and personal
and survived, it's almost too realistic. I don't usually
find Hackworth's recent efforts worth my time, but this
one is good. (I'm not familiar the organization he
mentions in the article, so my positive comments are about
his remarks about the movie and war.) The second article
by Charley Reese reiterates Hackworth's points in a more
articulate and less than self-congratulatory way. I'm
sorry to say, their words will go unheeded. Most of our
politicians personally know nothing of war. Most Americans
have no clue, nor do they give a shit about those who've
given the ultimate sacrifice to provide the wonderful life
and freedom that we enjoy in this country.
-- Redbone

DEFENDING AMERICA

David Hackworth
August 12, 1998

PRIVATE RYAN, FRONT AND CENTER, MARCH

Mothers, before you believe the line that your daughters
should serve in ground combat like your sons, brothers,
husbands and fathers might have done, go see SAVING
PRIVATE RYAN.

Congressmen and Congresswomen, before you sign that bill
putting more pork into your district or state at the
expense of the right stuff for the troops who do the dying,
go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Generals and admirals, colonels and captains, before you
allow training, discipline and the warrior-ethic to be
further degraded, go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Sergeants and Chiefs, before you execute that dumb order-
ushering in another politically correct nitwit idea-from
some enlightened sweet smelling bureaucrat in a distant ivy
tower, go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Drill Sergeants, before you go along with an order to
lighten up on your new recruits because you're told the
need to develop hardened warriors who'll make it through
old fashioned combat is obsolete, go see SAVING PRIVATE
RYAN.

Defense Secretary Cohen, before you again overrule a panel
that has carefully studied why mixing women and men in
basic entry training doesn't work, go see SAVING PRIVATE
RYAN.

Defense contractors, before you build the next unneeded but
good-for-corporate-bottom-line, gold-plated wonder weapon
that gobbles up defense dollars, leaving too little money
left to equip and train our men for battle, go see SAVING
PRIVATE RYAN.

Newt Gingrich, before you push through another deal in
Congress to purchase $1.5 billion worth of C-130 cargo
aircraft made in your Georgia district, that the Air Force
doesn't need, go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Trent Lott, before your order another $1.5 billion carrier
to be built in your hometown that the Navy doesn't want, go
see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Veterans who sit in silence while America's military machine
is being destroyed and talk about the good old days when you
were young and brave, go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

And those of you who've bought the propaganda that women
have already served successfully in combat because women
soldiers liberated a dog kennel during the invasion of
Panama, drove trucks or fixed planes during the Gulf War or
pumped gas or directed traffic in Somalia and are thus
qualified for future ground combat duty such as was fought
at Normandy in 1944 or on the mean streets on Mogadishu in
1993, go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Readers, before you believe the Pentagon's Desert Storm hype
that all future wars can be now won in a bloodless 100 hours
by pushing buttons, launching smart missiles, maintaining
smarter satellites and by a jolly fat TV general with a
pointer, go see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Our military has lost its edge since Desert Storm and is
terribly vulnerable. Bill Clinton, you are our commander in
chief. Before you push your political agenda in any other
way that further weakens our forces, go see SAVING PRIVATE
RYAN.

RYAN is raw, ugly, brutal, deadly honest and captures
infantry battle as no other Hollywood film has. Steven
Spielberg says his masterpiece is an antiwar film. He's
right. Anyone with a lick of common sense that sees it
will do anything possible to escape the horror of war.

But SAVING PRIVATE RYAN won't stop madmen like Saddam
Hussein. Just before the monsters three-Hitler, Mussolini
and Tojo-brought their holocaust to planet earth, a 1930s
war movie ALL IS QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT came out. It
too profoundly affected millions of people but still did
not stop those mass murderers from killing tens of millions
of humans between 1939-45.

So films, regardless of how real and true, do influence our
feelings and thoughts but don't deter war. Only well-
trained, well-equipped, well-led soldiers can stop a madman
from unleashing the dogs of war. I can only pray that our
future congressional leaders before they add more pork to a
defense bill will see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

Hopefully, SAVING PRIVATE RYAN will jolt enough of us back
to our good senses to demand a force with the discipline
and sense of mission shown by those fine men who won WWII.

Don't forget what Captain Miller told Private Ryan just
before Miller died: If the sacrifices of our heroic dead
are to have any meaning we've got to earn it.

RYAN should be seen by all Americans. It's a wake-up call
concerning the current soft training, the constant erosion
of discipline, the weakening of the warrior ethic that
allows soldiers to make it through the holocaust of real
battle and the stupidity of gender bending that will cause
ground units to fail in future battle. It's a horrifically
shocking film, but it shows infantry combat as I saw it at
least a dozen times in Korea and in a few firefights in
Vietnam. It's so damn real.

I wrote the above DEFENDING AMERICA piece immediately after
Eilhys and I came out of the theater. We went next door to
Starbucks. I just started writing and the words poured out
not unlike the tears that flowed while I watched it. Man,
no war movie has ever grabbed me like RYAN. It's a classic
no bullshit war movie and should be seen by all the folks
mentioned in the column.

It reminded me a lot of John Huston's WWII combat documentary
THE BATTLE OF SAN PIETRO, which I always showed to a new
command. After the film, I'd tell the troops, "The reason I
showed you this is so you'll know what combat is really like.
I want you to understand way up-front why I am going to train
your sweet little asses off."

Then I explained my training philosophy: THE MORE SWEAT ON
THE TRAINING FIELD THE LESS BLOOD ON THE BATTLEFIELD. Troops
being how they are, they always hated me during the train-up
period. But they got hard, disciplined and squared away for
that ultimate Super Bowl game and eventually became proud
because they were challenged. Now decades later I get
letters from guys I trained that say "Wow, as a 19 year old
I thought you were nuts, but now I understand. Thanks."

Hopefully, RYAN will also wake up our politicians and make
them think about the consequences before they launch another
Somalia or Bosnia. Perhaps it will cause them to question
why we have Americans deployed around the world in over 100
countries in missions that have nothing to do with defending
America. Perhaps it will cause them to kill many of the
politically correct programs that the admirals and generals
have allowed to creep into our military in order to insure
that American body bag manufacturers reap wild profits.

Once you've seen RYAN, you'll understand why Keith, Carl,
Ed, Wilma, Ed and I formed SOLDIERS FOR THE TRUTH. This
organization, with your support, can cause the politicians
to listen up and make sure our warriors are ready for the
brutal RYAN-like combat that lies ahead during the next
decade.

KEEP Five Yards,*
Hack
___________________________________________________________

MOVIE IS A REMINDER THAT POLITICS IS A LIFE-AND-DEATH MATTER

By Charley Reese
Commentary Published in The Orlando Sentinel, September 3, 1998

The best recommendation for seeing Saving Private Ryan came
from a father who said his son lost interest in computer war
games after seeing it. The second- best came from my
daughter, who said, "I'm sorry now I've never flown the flag
on Memorial Day."

Several combat veterans have said it is the most accurate
depiction of war they've ever seen in a movie. Now why
should people see an accurate depiction of war? So they
will know that it is so horrible that no one should ever
put Americans into one except to defend the country
against attack. So they will know what price men paid for
our freedom and independence. So they will know that war
is not a computer game or a silly Rambo comic-book adventure.
So they will know what horrors bad politics and failed
diplomacy produce.

I've observed that most creative people produce one
masterpiece in which everything seems to come together
exactly right. It's a form of magic. Most do it only once.
I think that Saving Private Ryan is Steven Spielberg's
masterpiece. And probably Tom Hanks' masterpiece, too. He
is a rare actor who can write a novel with his face.

Not a film for small children, of course, but teenagers
certainly ought to see it. After all, if the politicians
and diplomats screw up, they will be the ones who have to
fight the next war. And so far in this century there has
always been a next war. It may be that what we have been
witnessing is not the dumbing down of America but the
dumbing down of the human species. That's another dis-
advantage of war. It takes huge numbers of the best
humans out of the gene pool by killing them.

I hope that all Americans will go see Saving Private Ryan
and then ponder these points:

1. The current administration is practicing reckless and
careless diplomacy. War is always a product of the
failure of politicians and diplomats.

2. The current administration is weakening the military,
cutting it too much, and depriving what's left of
sufficient funds to keep fully equipped, manned and
properly trained.

3. The current Congress, like past Congresses, is more
interested in financing pork-barrel projects-often
expensive weapons systems the,military doesn't want or
need-than in matching forces to missions based on
professional advice.

4. The current administration, aided and abetted by
Congress, is, destroying military effectiveness by
catering to feminists.

Any sane person who sees Saving Private Ryan will not want
his sons, much less his daughters, to have to endure the
horror of war. Nothing is more stupid than to view the
military as just a civilian career opportunity in
camouflage.

Some of the above points have been made by retired Col.
David Hackworth, and I want to reinforce them. Every time
we get disgusted with politics-and I am-we have to
remember that if we don't put sensible men and women of
integrity and intelligence into the House of Representatives
and the Senate, the consequences can be terrible.

Wars don't just happen. Politicians make them happen. Then
politicians sit back and take the glory; the arms industry
reaps the profit; generations of taxpayers get stuck with
the bill; and young men die. Don't ever think that politics
is not important. It is as important as life and death.

I know people who hate war but take a flippant, cynical
attitude toward politics. That's a contradiction. Bad
politics ultimately breeds war. And war, as this film
shows, is noise, confusion, fear, fatigue, filth, pain,
brutality, maiming and death. There's not a damned thing
good about a war.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Generic Disaster Movie Script (S79)
          From: ossama on 98-07-29

(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine
is having breakfast with her adorable son.)

HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters!
SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest?
HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and
very attractive.

(The phone rings.)

HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the
lab, calling to tell me about an impending disaster!
LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending!
HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby,
you stay here and be vulnerable.
SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact
house and placing me in grave danger?
HEROINE : Of course!

(We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside,
the president, looking grim, is holding an emergency
Cabinet meeting.)

PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before?
VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the
Tom Clancy movies.
PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot.
SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done,
a disaster is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending
miniature cars flying in all directions.
PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long?
SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense.
GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against
Houston!
PRESIDENT : Why?
GENERAL : I hate Houston.
PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-
looking. I want you to take your minority sidekick and
get over to the laboratory immediately and develop a
romance interest with the heroine. If this movie is
rated ``R,'' she can show her breasts.
HERO : I'll do what I can, sir.

(The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and
heroine are staring intently at a computer screen.)

HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can
drag the three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds.

(A lab worker rushes up.)

LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector
plasma reading in the cosine range!
HERO : What does that mean?
HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's
time for the disaster! And my son is home alone!

(The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People
are screaming; miniature cars are flying everywhere.)

HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people
are being killed!
HERO : It's OK! They're extras!
SON : Help! Help!
HEROINE : My God! It's Billy!
SON : No, it's Bobby!
HEROINE : Oh, right.
HERO : I'll save him!
HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects!

(The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.)

HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit!
SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going
to be Tom Cruise.
HERO : He wasn't available.

(The final scene takes place back to the White House,
where everybody is relieved.)

PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people,
all the main characters survived except the minority
sidekick!

(The Cabinet applauds.)

GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston?
PRESIDENT: OK by me.

(THE END)

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Man Sleeps In Theater (S114)
          From: RFSlick on 3/14/99

A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this,
he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're
only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going
to have to call the manager."

The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up
the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,
but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Things You Would Never Know Without Movies (S46)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-10

During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a stripclub at least once.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of
the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpitlevel on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French Bread and a stick of celery.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you
in there and you can travel to any other part of the
building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have
more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any
before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture
of your sweetheart back home.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you
take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it
over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a
kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use
that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their
family every morning even though their husband and
children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective
- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning
or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left
to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going
to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in
a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the
head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into
shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who
is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak
English to each other.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Truths About Life I Learned From Bad '80s Comedies (S208)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/24/2001

Smart people wear thick glasses, button-down shirts, and
slacks. Dumb people wear football uniforms.

Everyone in high school was having sex except you and the
class valedictorian.

Your dog is way smarter than you.

France is populated entirely by attractive young women and
Gerard Depardieu.

Every Southern town has a fat redneck sheriff named "Smokey."

Mexico is populated entirely by vacationing frat boys.

Parents always come back from vacation a day early.

There are no ugly prostitutes.

It's only possible to win any sporting event in the last
three seconds of the game.

Cheerleaders hate having their shirts on.

The best way to escape your enemies is to drive on the wrong
side of the road.

A student who's failing every class can still rig up an
elaborate device to to answer his phone when he calls in sick.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong (S263c)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/11/2002

A list of actual English subtitles used in films
made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered
glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your
leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot.
Why do I feel so cold?

And finally...

18. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj:     Short Movie Or TV Or Play Jokes

Top

Subj:     American Idle (S471)
          From: igiggle
          on 1/21/2006

Source: http://www.cookiedoughrecords.com/movieidle.htm
The very cute, SWF movie 'American Idle' can be seen at the
source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     W. C. Fields Quotations (S460b)
          From: Quotes From W.C. Fields
          on 11/17/05 Picture from
Quotes From W.C. Fields

Source: http://www.louisville.edu/~kprayb01/WCQuote.html

To view this great set of W.C. Fields quotations either
go to the source above, or my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

From: smiles on 98-10-01 (S87)
"Hey, who took the cork off my lunch?" -- W.C. Fields

"Any man that hates women and children can't be all bad."

On W.C.Fields grave "I'd rather be here than in Philadelphia."

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/28/2002 (S287b)
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
-- W. C. Fields

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her. -- W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

From: igiggle on 1/3/2005 (S414b)
A salesman harassed W.C. Fields until the actor ducked into
a barbershop to avoid him. The tenacious fellow went in as
well, and Fields yelled in exasperation, "I've told you no
ten times now. Just to shut you up, I'll put the proposition
to my lawyer next time I see him!"

The salesman pressed, "Will you take the proper steps if he
says it's alright?"

"I certainly will, "announced Fields. "I'll ask another lawyer."

From: drgolfmd on 11/9/2006 (S512c)
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe
I'll have another beer." -- W. C. Fields

Top
Subj: Son Gets Part In Play (S181)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/14/00
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were
supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man
who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you
know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Top
Subj: Movie Quiz - Y E A H, B A B Y ! ! ! (S127)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/6/99
In the film Austin Powers, what was the name of the
henchman whose head was eaten by the ill-tempered
mutated sea bass?

a) John Smith c) Andy (no last name)
b) Random Task d) Alotta Fagina

Top
Subj:     Movie Quotations (S125b)
          From: JCary on 6/15/99
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."
   -- Jessica Rabbit in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?

"I feel the need, the need for speed!" -- TOP GUN

"We don't own anything in this world Karen,
we're just passing through" -- OUT OF AFRICA

"I think people who talk in metaphors should
shampoo my crotch." -AS GOOD AS IT GETS

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning"
-- APOCALYPSE NOW

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
-- GONE WITH THE WIND

"Here's looking at you, kid." -- CASABLANCA

"Men and women can't be friends because the sex part
always gets in the way." -- When Harry Met Sally

From: LABLaughs.com on 8/29/2002 (S291b)
Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.
-- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

Have you heard about Ron Howard's new movie, a
travel documentary about northern Europe? It's
called "Mr. Opie's Holland" -- The Oregonian

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it
again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary,
my dear Watson." Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up,
Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott".

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They
were seventh cousins.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.

John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An
Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005 (S440b)
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_jokes.php?id=20050624
"The length of a film should be directly related to the
endurance of the human bladder." -- Alfred Hitchcock.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of
Cher and Sonny Bono.

Who plays the piano on "Mad About You?"
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You"
theme?
Paul Reiser himself.

Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were named
after characters in which famous holiday movie?
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver
in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

All the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck
on what time? All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp
Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny)
is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member,
is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's
refrigerator.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel
1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs,
for instance) but did not renumber the other channel
assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2
and up, but no channel 1.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever
nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy."
Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that
   was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show.
   His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name
   on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was
   mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's
   newscast about the wreck.

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be
talking in the background -- when they say "walla-
walla" it looks like they are actually talking.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two
Disney cartoon features with both parents that are
present and don't die throughout the movie.

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97 (449b - other-sports)
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who
have had years and years of training can, using only
their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

From: auntieg 98-05-09
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up
when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet
and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Paper:

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills
the first woman she meets and then teams up with three
complete strangers to kill again.

From: mombear1 on 8/21/2001 (S238)
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
World War II were made of wood.

During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car
can be seen in the distance.

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to
s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves.
That's the opposite of the norm.

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie
Chaplin look-alike contest.

From: igiggle on 4/25/2004 (S378b)
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
-- Jayne Mansfield

Top
Subj: Thought For The Day (S166)
From: FrankRoesch on 03/31/2000
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

From: joke-of-the-day-Mail.com on 1/9/2006 (S468)
"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles
develop your strengths. When you go through hardships
and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a
bitch. -- Jack Nicholson

According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful. -- Robert De Niro

From: jerry on 12/26/2001 (S256)
About 100,000 people submitted their favorite jokes as
part of a massive experiment called Laughlab. Here, the
German category.

"Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither
rare nor well-done."

From: smiles on 6/8/99 (S129b)
Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like
to try the one I haven't tried before. -- Mae West.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/29/2002 (S274c)
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet. -- Mae West

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/7/2003 (S328b)
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder,
lightning, tornados and hail. -- Mae West

From: igiggle on 1/7/2006 (S468b)
I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it.
-- Mae West

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/24/2002 (S273c)
"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."
-- Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/19/2002 (S286b)
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidenc