Subj: Movies, TV, And Plays Jokes
(Includes 68 jokes and articles, 10 1091n,10,cL3f,wYT2a6b,8)
for more movies, etc.
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Jerome
Irving Rodale's Death'
ARAB file - 'Funny Quotes About Osama'
ASCII ART I - 'The Simsons'
.........ASIAN-CHINESE- 'NCIS Chinese Fortune'
.........AS-CHINE-SUPP- 'Fist of Legend; Jet Li vs. Chin Siu Ho' - Video
.........AUSTRALIAN - 'Sean Connery Has Sex Three Times'
BARBIE file - 'Cougar Barbie'
BASKETBALL - 'Veniamin on America's Got Talent'
.........BASEBALL-SUPP- '"Who's On First?", The Sequel' - Video
BIOLOGY file - 'What a Wonderful World with David Attenborough' - Video
BIRDS file - 'The Gooney Bird And The TV'
BIRD-CHICKEN - 'Jokgu On America's Got Talent' - Video
......................- 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'The Rise And Fall Of The Aflac Duck'
BLACK1 file - 'Clip from Family Matters' - Video
......................- 'Eddie Murphy In Mr Robinson's Neighborhood On SNL'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Urban Or Rural'
BLONDE2 file - 'Dumb Blonde On Game Show'
......................- 'Blonde Rents Porn Tape'
BODY_PTS-SUPP- 'Britain's Got Talent - Feet Act'
BUCKLEY file - 'Lord Buckley'
CARS1 file - 'Harrison Ford As Different Ford Model Cars'
CARS-SUPP - 'Mojo In The Morning' - Radio Show
CARS-SUPP2 - 'Super Bowl 2013 Ad: Where Do Babies Come From?' - Video
.........CARTOON file - 'Coyote Catches Roadrunner' - Video
......................- 'Coyote Catches Roadrunner II' - Video
......................-'Voices Of Characters'
......................- (see whole file)
CARTOON-SUPP - 'Fractured Fairytales - Ridinghoods Anonymous' - Video
......................- 'Disney Pixar Up - Married Life' - Video
......................- 'Mel Gibson's Phone Call Rant To The Old Spice Guy' - Video
COWS-SUPP - 'Jimmy Fallon Milks A Cow' - Video
CLOTHING - 'Magic Cloths' on America's Got Talent
COMPUTRS-SUP2- 'Walter Cronkite's Home/Office Of 2001' - Video
CONSTRUCTION - 'Laurel/Hardy In Busy Bodies in 1933' - Video
......................- 'Using A Caulking Gun Correctly'
......................- 'Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company'
COWBOY2 file - 'Carol Burnett Show - The Old Sheriff' - Video
.........DOG1 file - 'Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog'
.........DOG2 file - 'Mother Goose And Grimm On James Bond'
DOG3 file - 'The Dog And The Pool' on The Elen Degeneres Show'
......................- 'Lady With Dog Leaves Movie'
DOG-SUPP - 'Ron White On The Jay Leno Show'
......................- 'Gin The Dog'
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Truth About Drinking Beer'
......................- 'Norm Peterson, from the TV show Cheers!'
.........DOONSBURY - (many Arnold pictures)
EDEN file - 'Johnny and Betty In The Garden Of Eden' - Video
ELDERLY2 file- 'Elderly Lady Receives Radio'
ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Oldest Showgirl in the World'
ENGLISHMAN - 'Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch' - Video
......................- 'Britains Got Talent Striptease' - Video
......................- 'Susan Boyle On Britains Got Talent'
ENGLSHMAN-SUP- 'Mrs Brown's Misunderstanding' - Video
......................- 'Sketch Show - The English Course Sketch' - Video
FART-SUPP - 'Bo! In The USA - Oprah Winfrey Show' - Video
FRENCH file - Hannibal Lecter on France
.........FOOD_ETC file- 'Dad's Brownies'
FOOD_ETC-SUP2- 'Buddy Hackett on the Dean Martin Show' - Video
FOOTBALL-SUPP- 'Football Like It Was' on Johnny Carson
FUCK file - 'David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke' - Video
FUNERAL-SUPP - 'Archie Bunker Gives A Eulogy' - Video
GAYS-SUPP - 'First Gay Edition Of The Bachelor' - Video
......................- 'Tran Tuong Nguyen Show and song - One Man Woman'
GAMES2-SUPP2 - 'Chalk Warfare 3.0' - Video
GERMANY file - 'Charlie Chaplin's The Great Dictator' - Video
HALLOWEEN-SUP- 'The Wizard Of Oz - 1939' - Video
HEAD-ADS-SUP2- 'Unlock the 007 in you. You have 70 seconds!' - Video
HORSES file - 'The Sketch Show UK - Irish Jockey' - Video
......................- 'The Sketch Show Fox - Irish Jockey' - Video
HOSPITAL2 - 'George Clooney On Jimmy Kimmel Live'
HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Archie Bunker And The Doctor' - Video
HUNTING-SUPP - 'William Shatner As Denny Crane On Boston Legal' - Videos
ITALIAN file - 'The Sopranos Explanation Site'
JESUS file - 'Proof that Elvis was Jesus'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'SNL's Reliable Dividend Growth Fund'
JUDGE file - 'Night Court TV Show w/Harry Anderson' - Video
KIDS3 file - 'Andy Griffith Show - Opie's Allowance' - Video
MANNERS file - 'Fruitcake Lady' - Video
......................- 'Fruitcake Lady II' - Video
MANNERS-SUPP - 'Fruitcake Lady III' - Video
MATH1 file - '911 Math' - Video
......................- 'Johnny Doesn't Pay Attention In Class'
MATH2 file - 'Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28' - Video
MENandWOMEN2 - 'Remote Controls For Men And Women'
MONSTERS - 'Minions Movie Trailer'
MOVIES file - 'PumpCast News'
......................- 'The Morning Radio Show'
......................-.(see whole file)
MUSIC file - 'Paul McCartney Tickets'
......................- 'Action Stars Portray Famous Composers'
MUSIC-SUPP - 'Bon Jovi And The Insult Comic Dog'
MUSIC-SUPP2 - 'Muppet Show - Mahna Mahna Original' - Video
.........MUSIC2 file - 'Fred Astaire's Drums Skit' - Video
......................- 'Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet' - Video
MUSIC2-SUPP2 - 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?' - 2000 Movie
NATIONAL file- 'America Why I Love Her by John Wayne'
OTH-ANIM-SUPP- 'Jackie Chan Trains A Fish' - Video
OTHER_OCCUP - 'Steve Martin's Magic Act'
......................- 'Triumph Gives The Hawaii Weather Report'
OTH_OCC-SUPP - 'An Actor Gets A Part'
OTHER_NATIONS- 'Five Year Old Genius Arden Hayes on Jimmy Kimmel Live'
PENIS1 file - ''Is It Weird' TV Show w/Steve Harvey'
PHONE-SUPP - 'Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pong With Nunchucks' - Video
......................- 'Telemarketer Nightmare' - Radio
PHYSICS3 file- 'The Big Bang' TV Show - 6 videos
......................- 'The Big Bang' TV Show - many quotes
PILOT-SUPP - 'Dean Martin And Foster Brooks'
PLANE-SUPP - 'Frank Sinatra Parody' - Radio
POETRY-SUPP - 'Jimmy Stewart Reads a Poem On Johnny Carson' - Video
POLIT-OBAMA - 'Presidential Jeopardy..'
POLIT-SUPP - 'Bob Hope's One-Liner' - Video
POLIT-SUPP2 - '"Slow Jam The News" w/Mitt Romney (Jimmy Fallon)'
POLIT-TRUMP - 'Dog Translator On SNL' - Video
......................- 'Madea, Trump's New Communications Director' - Video
PREACHER file- 'Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher'
PREGNANT-SUPP- 'Bill Cosby - Where Babies Come From' - Video
PRIEST3 file - 'Elvis is Back'
PUSSY file - 'Raquel Welch Visits The Tonight Show'
.........PSYCH-SUPP - 'Frasier's Celebrity Callers' - Video
.........QUOTES2 file - 'Austin Powers Pick-Up Lines'
QTS-COMEDIAN - 'Robin Williams On The Tonight Show w/Johnny Carson'
QTS-COMED-SUP- 'Jack Benny: Your Money Or Your Life' - Audio
......................- 'Jeff Dunham And Walter' - Video
RATS/MICE - 'Two Mice Live In A Movie Warehouse'
.........SCHOOL1 file - 'Tonight Show "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?"'
.........SCHOOLS-SUPP2- 'Don Blue's Radio Show - Benicia Schools'
SCIENCE2 file- 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show - Giant Smoke Rings' - Video
SOLDIER1 file- 'ER Doctors Discusses Vets'
SOLDIER2 file- 'The Lee Marvin Story'
SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Andrews Sisters - Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy' - Video
......................- 'The Great Escape - Tunnel Revealed'
......................- 'Southpark: Killing Ben Laden' - Video
SPEECHES-SUPP- 'Matthew McConaughey Oscar Speech'
STORIES-SUPP - 'With A Piece Of Chalk...' - Video
SUPERHEROES - 'Batman Movie, The Bomb Scene' - Video
TEST-SUPP - 'Quiz: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'
THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'Will Smith - The Key To Life' - Video
THO-TIME-SUPP- 'A Conversation With My 12 Year Old Self' - Video
THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Tonight Show - Secret Handshake w/Justin Bieber' - Video
TRAIN-SUPP - 'Very Old Silent Film'
WAITER file - 'W.C. Fields - The Diner Sketch'
Laurel And Hardy, The Music Box
From: Veoh.com on 11/20/2009 (S671b,d2)
In 1932, Laurel and Hardy made
the twenty-nine minute movie
"The Music Box." The United States was in the "The Great
Depression," and Laurel and Hardy's personal lives were in
trouble. The boys only made one movie that year, but "The
Music Box" won them an Oscar.
for my copy, to see
Or click 'HERE'
for my copy, to see
A cowboy lay sprawled across
three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this,
he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're
only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't
budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going
to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up
the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,
but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
Subj: Complete Home Entertainment Center (S411b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/2/2004
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Things You Would Never Know Without Movies (S46)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-10
During all police investigations
it will be necessary to
visit a stripclub at least once.
If being chased through town,
you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of
All beds have special L-shaped
cover sheets which reach
up to the armpitlevel on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain
at least one stick of
French Bread and a stick of celery.
It's easy for anyone to land
a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never
rub off - even while
The ventilation system of any
building is the perfect
hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you
in there and you can travel to any other part of the
building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun,
you will always have
more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any
You're very likely to survive
any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture
of your sweetheart back home.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while
taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't
look at your wallet as you
take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it
over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches.
When entering a
kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use
that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house,
women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs,
bacon and waffles for their
family every morning even though their husband and
children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always
suspend his star detective
- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello
or goodbye when beginning
or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly
straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left
to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic
timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going
to go off.
It is always possible to park
directly outside the building
you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a
case once he has been
suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are
heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in
a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
When a person is knocked unconscious
by a blow to the
head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into
Police Departments give their
officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who
is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners
prefer to speak
English to each other.
Stair Dance Scene In The Little
.............Colonel Movie (S1028d-iFrame)
From: Audrey Schroder in 2016
to see Bill "Bojangles" Robinson teaches
Shirley Temple his signature stair dance in this scene
from The Little Colonel movie in 1935.
Pets On Stage (S171)
From: Anaise on 5/9/00
Drawing from Flicker.com
This story is so long it must
have it's own web page.
Click 'HERE' to view it
Subj: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (S161)
From: RFSlick on 2/29/00
A husband and wife are getting
ready for bed one evening,
and he asks, Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?
No, she replies.
Is that your final answer?
Yes, that's my final answer, she insists.
The husband thinks carefully
for a moment, then asks,
May I phone a friend?
Subj: Garfield Comic Strip (S1072)
By Jim Davis on 7/27/2017
Celebrity Love Child (S462b,d-On Site)
From: igiggle on 12/2/2005
Source: (Removed from homepage.ntlworld.com)
NtlWorld merged the faces of
20 celebrity pairs to discover
what their offspring might look like. Can you determine the
parents? You can play the game by clicking 'HERE'.
Foster Brooks Roasts Lucille Ball (S1088)
From: Fred Carll on 11/17/2017 (d-On Site)
Subj: Movie Quiz - Y E A H, B A B Y ! ! ! (S127)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/6/99
In the film Austin Powers, what was the name of the
henchman whose head was eaten by the ill-tempered
mutated sea bass?
a) John Smith c) Andy (no last name)
b) Random Task d) Alotta Fagina
American Idle (S471d-On Site)
From: igiggle on 1/21/2006
..........Source: (Removed from cookiedoughrecords.com)
W. C. Fields Quotations (S460b)
From: Quotes From W.C. Fields on 11/17/05
Source: (Removed from louisville.edu)
Quotes From W.C. Fields
From: Anonymous Jr. on 5/15/2010
Source: (Removed from articlehealthandfitness.com)
W.C.Fields once said that "Anyone who hates dogs and kids
can't be all bad". That got him a lot of laughs because
people knew that you had to like your friends', relatives'
and neighbors' kids and dogs whether you really did or not.
It was expected back then as it still is today. That means
you had to genuinely like them regardless of what they did
to you--things which should have been stopped and apologized
From: smiles on 98-10-01 (S87)
"Hey, who took the cork off my lunch?" -- W.C. Fields
On W.C.Fields grave "I'd rather
be here than in Philadelphia."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/28/2002
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
-- W. C. Fields
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her. -- W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of
the disgusting things
that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields
From: igiggle on 1/3/2005 (S414b)
A salesman harassed W.C. Fields until the actor ducked into
a barbershop to avoid him. The tenacious fellow went in as
well, and Fields yelled in exasperation, "I've told you no
ten times now. Just to shut you up, I'll put the proposition
to my lawyer next time I see him!"
The salesman pressed, "Will you
take the proper steps if he
says it's alright?"
"I certainly will, "announced
Fields. "I'll ask another lawyer."
From: drgolfmd on 11/9/2006 (S512c)
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe
I'll have another beer." -- W. C. Fields
Subj: Movie Quotations (S125b)
From: JCary on 6/15/99
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."
-- Jessica Rabbit in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?
"I feel the need, the need for speed!" -- TOP GUN
"We don't own anything in this
we're just passing through" -- OUT OF AFRICA
"I think people who talk in metaphors
shampoo my crotch." -AS GOOD AS IT GETS
"I love the smell of napalm in
-- APOCALYPSE NOW
"Frankly my dear, I don't give
-- GONE WITH THE WIND
"Here's looking at you, kid." -- CASABLANCA
"Men and women can't be friends
because the sex part
always gets in the way." -- When Harry Met Sally
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/29/2002 (S291b)
Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.
-- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
Have you heard about Ron Howard's
new movie, a
travel documentary about northern Europe? It's
called "Mr. Opie's Holland" -- The Oregonian
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart
never said "Play it
again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary,
my dear Watson." Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up,
Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott".
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
Humphrey Bogart was related to
Princess Diana. They
were seventh cousins.
In most television commercials
advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
John Travolta turned down the
starring roles in "An
Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
From: LabLaughs.com on 7/2/2005 (S440b)
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
"The length of a film should be directly related to the
endurance of the human bladder." -- Alfred Hitchcock.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
Cleo and Caesar were the early
stage names of
Cher and Sonny Bono.
Who plays the piano on "Mad About
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You"
Paul Reiser himself.
Sesame Street characters Bert
and Ernie were named
after characters in which famous holiday movie?
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver
in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
All the clocks in the movie Pulp
Fiction are stuck
on what time? All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp
Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
What trivia fact about Mel Blanc
(voice of Bugs Bunny)
is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
The first couple to be shown
in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
The first toilet ever seen on
television was on
"Leave It To Beaver".
What person, not a "Seinfeld"
regular cast member,
is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned
1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs,
for instance) but did not renumber the other channel
assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2
and up, but no channel 1.
Sylvia Miles had the shortest
nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy."
Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island
had a first name that
was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show.
His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name
on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was
mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's
newscast about the wreck.
A walla-walla scene is one where
extras pretend to be
talking in the background -- when they say "walla-
walla" it looks like they are actually talking.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan
(Wendy) are the only two
Disney cartoon features with both parents that are
present and don't die throughout the movie.
From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
(449b - other-sports)
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who
have had years and years of training can, using only
their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
From: auntieg 98-05-09
All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard
of Oz" was thought up
when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet
and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #284 on 99-02-06
TV listing for the Wizard of Oz in the Marin Paper:
Transported to a surreal landscape,
a young girl kills
the first woman she meets and then teams up with three
complete strangers to kill again.
From: mombear1 on 8/21/2001 (S238)
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
World War II were made of wood.
During the chariot scene in "Ben
Hur", a small red car
can be seen in the distance.
Bruce Lee was so fast that they
actually had to
s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves.
That's the opposite of the norm.
Charlie Chaplin once won third
prize in a Charlie
Chaplin look-alike contest.
From: igiggle on 4/25/2004 (S378b)
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
-- Jayne Mansfield
Subj: Thought For The Day (S166)
From: FrankRoesch on 03/31/2000
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
From: joke-of-the-day-Mail.com on 1/9/2006
"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles
develop your strengths. When you go through hardships
and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
My mother never saw the irony
in calling me a son of a
bitch. -- Jack Nicholson
According to a new survey, women
say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that
women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful. -- Robert De Niro
From: jerry on 12/26/2001 (S256)
About 100,000 people submitted their favorite jokes as
part of a massive experiment called Laughlab. Here, the
"Why is television called a medium?
Because it is neither
rare nor well-done."
From: smiles on 6/8/99 (S129b)
Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like
to try the one I haven't tried before. -- Mae West.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/29/2002 (S274c)
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet. -- Mae West
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/7/2003
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder,
lightning, tornados and hail. -- Mae West
From: igiggle on 1/7/2006 (S468b)
I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it.
-- Mae West
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/24/2002 (S273c)
"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."
-- Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/19/2002 (S286b)
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is
enemy action. -- Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger"
by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)
From: dogbyte on 1/4/2002 (S258)
Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A: Lawn Boy.