(Includes 60 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Thanksgiving-Supp
Turkey from
PageWorks
| Subj:
Thanksgiving Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 60 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Thanksgiving-Supp
|
|
Turkey from PageWorks |
Also see CHRISTMAS
- 'Season's Greetings'
FART file - 'Farting
Your Guts Out'
FOOD_ETC - 'Pumpkin
Pie' - Movie
FOOD_ETC2 - 'Lemon
Breast Chicken - Great Recipe'
JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish
President Invites Mom For Thanksgiving'
JEWISH2 file - 'Jewish
Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years'
PRIEST2 file - 'Turkey
Penance'
TEAR-JERKER3 - 'Something
For Stevie'
============================================================Top
Subj: Things
That Sound Dirty For Thanksgiving But Are Not!!! (S460)
From: RFSlick on 98-11-12
and
From: DoctorDebt on 11/23/2005
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able
to handle all these
people at
once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Reach in and grab the giblets.
21. "And he forces his way into the end zone."
22. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated
and it takes
15 men to
hold her down.
23. It must be broken 'cause
when I push on the tip,
nothing squirts
out.
| Happy Thanksgiving!!! |  |
It is Thanksgiving Day and a
family is preparing dinner
awaiting the arrival of the
children's grandparents. Thomas,
who is four is running around
looking for is new pair of grey
socks. He ventures up
to the washroom where his mother is
putting makeup on. Not
realizing the boy is there she yells
"shit" when she accidently gets
makeup in her eyes. Never
hearing the word before, the
boy asks her, "Mommie, what does
shit mean?"
The mother quickly replies, "Shit
is just another word for
makeup dear."
Thomas then asks his mom if she
knows where his socks are
and she tells him to go downstairs
and ask his father.
The boy's father is stuffing
the turkey when he cuts his
finger by mistake. He
says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's
seen his socks and the father
tells him to go look in his
sister's room. Before
the boy leaves he asks his father
what fuck means and the father
says "stuff". "Like stuffing
a turkey."
The boy goes to his sister's
room and finally finds his
socks in the bedroom and puts
them on just as the doorbell
rings. Thomas runs down
the stairs and opens the door. He
greets his grandparents by saying
"Hello grandma and grandpa,
mommie is upstairs putting shit
on her face and daddy is in
the kitchen fucking the turkey..."
\\\//
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Subj: Divorce
On Thanksgiving (S356)
From: Imogenelumen on 11/24/2003
(See 'Jewish
Man Divorces Wife Of 54 Years' in JEWISH2)
A man in Phoenix calls his son
in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-
five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of
each other any longer," the
father says.
"We're sick of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister,
who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!"
she shouts, "I'll take
care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately
and screams at her father,
"You are not getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO
YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone
and turns to his wife. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for
Thanksgiving and paying their
own way."
\\\//
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Subj: A History
of Thanksgiving (S304b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/26/2002
1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers
America, unless you
count the native peoples already
living there. Columbus
doesn't. Columbus and
crew celebrate by holding a dinner,
giving thanks for their safe
arrival. Embarrassment ensues
when every Indian brings maize,
and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport
of football to avoid helping
clean up after Thanksgiving
dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing drunken
relatives at Thanksgiving
dinner, as Captain John Smith's
parents tell Pocahontas the
"hilarious" old "I got lost
in the maize" joke for the
hundredth time.
1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving
dinner, Dutch settlers
unveil historic "Indians Give
Us All Of Their Land Treaty."
Due to an unfortunate oversight,
the Indians are left off
of the invite list, and the
treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his British
in-laws finally agreed to
meet him for Thanksgiving dinner,
silversmith Paul Revere
rides through Boston announcing
the news. Unfortunately,
many colonists misinterpret
his cry "the British are coming!"
as a warning, leading to the
Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving
dinner, King George
of England, still hurting from
losing the Revolutionary War,
challenges United States President
James Madison to "best 2
out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving
dinner, the seven-year-old
son of Alabama's Senator Richard
Applebee insults the
Senators from Massachusetts,
New York, and Pennsylvania,
sparking the Civil War.
The tradition of the "children's
table" is instituted in 1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of
Thanksgiving holiday, placing
it in October, so they can say
it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's
greatest era of
prosperity that will last forever
and ever," President
Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial
ten thousand turkeys into
the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great Stock
Market Crash, thousands
of men go Turkey Diving in the
Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing
"a communist threat to
undermine my health via heartburn,"
Senator Joe McCarthy
has his wife placed under arrest
as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest Eat-In
event goes sour. Thousands
of hippies start having bad
trips when bad "brown gravy" gets
passed around.
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes
ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is
sworn as Vice President for
three days. No change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer
tryptophane is discovered
in turkey. A Colombian
cartel immediately starts selling
"pure" turkey on the streets
for $500 an ounce. Turkey
farmers get involved in drive-by
shootings, and the U.S.
government declares a national
fowl emergency.
2002 - America is on a terrorist
alert. It is now against
the law to stuff a turkey since
anyone is suspicious of
hiding explosives. George
W. signs this law into Congress,
during a patriotic speech he
defends this decision claiming
"the evil doers are just looking
for any opportunity to
show up at your dinner table."
This Thanksgiving take a
real good look at your relatives...and
report any suspicious
behavior to the CIA, FBI or
your local police... who cares
if it's grandma...it's your
duty as an American...
\\\//
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Subj: The
Night After Thanksgiving (S303)
From: janeenmarie on 11/22/2002
and
From: mombear1 on 11/22/2002
See 'Happy Thanksgiving Poem' in this file.
\\\//
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Subj: A Thanksgiving
Thought (S200)
From: gheckman on 11/25/2000
The following is something to ponder:
If you have food in the refrigerator,
clothes on your back,
a roof overhead and a
place to sleep ... you are richer than
75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare
change in a dish someplace
... you are among the top 8% of
the world's wealthy.
If you woke up this morning with
more health than illness...
you are more blessed than the
million who will not survive
this week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle, the
loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture, or the
pangs of starvation... you are
ahead of 500 million people
in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death...
you are more blessed than three
billion people in the world.
If your parents are still alive
and still married... you are
very rare, even in the United
States.
If you hold up your head with
a smile on your face and are
truly thankful... you
are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand,
hug them or even touch them
on the shoulder... you
are blessed because you can offer
healing touch.
If you can read this message,
you just received a double
blessing in that someone was
thinking of you, and further-
more, you are more blessed than
over two billion people
in the world that cannot read
at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings,
and pass this along
to remind everyone else how
blessed we all are.
\\\//
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Subj: I Am
Thankful For... (S147)
From: WSelwa on 11/24/1999
..the mess to clean after a party
because it means I have
been surrounded by friends.
..the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.
..the clothes that fit a little
too snug because it means
I have enough to eat.
..a lawn that needs mowing, windows
that need cleaning and
gutters that need fixing
because it means I have a home.
..my shadow who watches me work
because it means I am out
in the sunshine.
..the spot I find at the far
end of the parking lot because
it means I am capable
of walking.
..all the complaining about our
government because it means
we have freedom of speech.
..my large heating bill because it means I am warm.
..the lady behind me in church
who sings off key because it
means that I can hear.
..the alarm that goes off in
the early morning hours because
it means I am alive.
..the piles of laundry and ironing
because it means my loved
ones are nearby.
..weariness and aching muscles
at the end of the day because
it means I have been
productive.
Happy Thanksgiving!
\\\//
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Subj: Thanksgiving
Dinner With The Pastor (S294)
From: auntieg on 98-12-09
and
From: thebartend on 9/19/2002
This is why it's so important
to give precise answers to
children's questions, because
they take us at our word.
This is more embarrassing for
my mother than for me because
I wasn't quite 4 years old when
it happened. My mother
taught me to read when I was
3 years old (her first mistake).
One day I was in the bathroom
and noticed one of the cabinet
doors was ajar. I read the box
in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she
was keeping napkins in the
bathroom. Didn't they
belong in the kitchen? Not wanting
to burden me with unnecessary
facts she told me that those
were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months.
It's Thanksgiving Day and
my folks are leaving to pick
up the pastor and his wife for
Dinner. Mom had assignments
for all of us while they were
gone. Mine was to set the table.
You guessed it! When
they returned, the pastor came
in first and immediately
burst into laughter. Next
came his wife who gasped, then
began giggling. Next came
my father, who roared with
laughter. Then came mom,
who almost died of embarrassment
when she saw each place setting
on the table with a
"special occasion" napkin at
each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top.
I had even tucked the little
tails in so they didn't hang
off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used
these and of course my
response sent the other adults
into further fits of
laughter. "But Mom, you SAID
they were for special
occasions!!"
\\\//
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Subj: The
Turkey Neck
From: Anaise on 98-12-06
"We all got together for thanksgiving
my brothers and I.
Things went well, good food,
chitchatting, teasing etc.
Well as usual Father drank too
much and passed out on the
Lazy boy.... can't hold his
liq, pissed of mom so she went
off to bed. We continued
our hoopla and finally one of my
younger brother as a joke took
the turkey neck from the
kitchen and disappeared.
He returned later with a big
grin on his face. "What the
heck are you all smiley about?"
"Come follow me". So we
all went into the sitting where
pop was sleeping and snoring
away. "Look at his lap" He
had stuck the turkey neck between
his leg and look very
real. We chuckled and
went back into the kitchen and
forgot about the turkey neck.
We all eventually hit the hay.
During the night, mom came down
from her bedroom to
retrieve pop. As she was
coming down the stairs, she
saw the cat nibbling away at
the turkey neck, but mom
didn't know it was the turkey
neck... she thought it was
the "dude".
She freaked and fell down the
stairs and she broke her
leg. What a night....
we had to take her in and pop was
pissed, mom was pissed, and
the boys were pissed at our
younger brother. So when
one passes out with family, do
not leave the turkey neck unattended
or else you may
find it in place that you do
not want it to be.
We drove home from the hospital
in complete silence. All
of a sudden mom busted out laughing
and we all joined in.
We will always love our parents
because they put up with
us kwazy boys including myself.
Can't wait for Xmass. :)"
\\\//
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Subj: Tips
For Not Hosting Thanksgiving Dinner Next Year
By Dave Barry Published Nov. 15, 1998
From: humorlist-digest V2 #272 on 98-11-20
So this year, you agreed to host
the big family Thanksgiving
dinner. Congratulations! You
moron!
No, seriously, hosting Thanksgiving
dinner does NOT have to
be traumatic. The key
is planning. For example, every year
my family spends Thanksgiving
at the home of a friend named
Arlene Reidy, who prepares dinner
for a huge number of
people. I can't give an
exact figure, because my eyeballs
become fogged with gravy.
But I'm pretty sure that Arlene
is feeding several branches
of the armed forces.
Arlene is not slapping just any
old food on the table,
either. She's a gourmet
cook who can make anything. I
bet she has a recipe for cold
fusion. She serves moist,
tender turkeys the size of Arnold
Schwarzenegger,
accompanied by a vast array
of exotic hors d'oeuvres and
350 kinds of sweet potatoes
made from scratch. I'm pretty
sure Arlene threshes her own
wheat.
If you were to look into Arlene's
dining room at the end of
Thanksgiving dinner, it would
at first appear to be empty.
Then you'd hear groans and burps
coming from under the table,
and you'd realize that the guests,
no longer able to cope
with the food and gravity at
the same time, were lying
on the floor. Every now
and then you'd see a hand snake up
over the edge of the table,
grab a handful of stuffing,
then dart back under the table
again, after which you'd
hear chewing, then swallowing,
then the sound of digestive
organs rupturing. Some guests
have to be rushed by ambulance
to the hospital, receiving pumpkin
pie intravenously en route.
The question is: How is
Arlene able to prepare such an
amazing feast for so many people?
The answer is simple:
I have no idea. I'm always
watching football when it happens.
My point is that, if you want
to provide your Thanksgiving
guests with a delicious home-cooked
meal, one approach would
be to go to Arlene's house and
steal some of her food when
she's busy churning the butter.
She'd never notice. She has
enough leftovers to make turkey
sandwiches for everybody in
Belgium.
If you prefer to do your own
cooking this Thanksgiving, your
first step is to calculate how
much turkey you need. Home
economists tell us that the
average 155-pound person consumes
1.5 pounds of turkey,
If you're planning to have 14 relatives
for dinner, you'd simply multiply
14 times 1.5 times 155,
which means your turkey should
weigh, let's see, carry the
two ... 3,255 pounds.
If you can't find a turkey that size,
you should call up selected
relatives and explain to them,
in a sensitive and diplomatic
manner, that they can't come
because they weigh too much.
In selecting a turkey, remember
that the fresher it is, the
better it will taste.
That's why, if you go into the kitchen
of top professional homemaker
Martha Stewart on Thanksgiving
morning, you'll find her whacking
a live turkey with a hatchet.
In fact, you'll find Martha
doing this every morning.
"It just relaxes me," she reports.
Your other option is to get a
frozen turkey at the super-
market. The Turkey Manufacturers
Association recommends that,
before you purchase a frozen
bird, you check it for firmness
by test-dropping it on the supermarket
floor -- it should
bounce three vertical inches
per pound -- and then take
a core sample of the breast
by drilling into it with a 3/8-
inch masonry bit until you strike
the giblets. If super-
market employees attempt to
question you, the Turkey
Manufacturers Association recommends
that you "gesture at
them with the drill in a reassuring
manner."
When you get the turkey home,
you should thaw it completely
by letting it sit on a standard
kitchen counter at room
temperature for one half of
the turkey's weight in hours,
or roughly 19 weeks. "If you
see spiders nesting in your
turkey," states the Turkey Manufacturers
Association, "you
waited too long."
Once the turkey is defrosted,
you simply cook it in a
standard household oven at 138.4
degrees centimeter for 27
minutes per pound (29 minutes
for married taxpayers filing
jointly). Add four minutes for
each 100 feet of your home's
elevation above sea level, which
you should determine using
a standard household sextant.
Inspect the turkey regularly
as it cooks; when you notice
that the skin has started to
blister, the time has come for
you to give your guests the
message they've been eagerly
awaiting: "Run!" Because you
left the plastic wrapper on
the turkey, and it's about to
explode, spewing out flaming
salmonella units at the speed
of sound.
As you stand outside waiting
for the fire trucks, you should
take a moment to count your
blessings. The main one, of
course, is that you will definitely
NOT be asked to host the
big family Thanksgiving dinner
next year. But it's also
important to remember -- as
our Pilgrim foreparents
remembered on the very first
Thanksgiving -- that two
excellent names for rock bands
would be "The Turkey Spiders"
and "The Flaming Salmonella
Units."
\\\//
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Subj: Twas
The Night Of Thanksgiving (S95, S462)
From: smiles on 98-11-23
and
From: Bridge4You on 11/28/2005
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
__ I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
.--. The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
{\
/ q {\ But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
{ `\
\ (-(~`
{ '.{`\
\ \ ) Tossing and turning with anticipation......
{'-{ ' \ .-""'-. \ \
The thought of a snack became infatuation.....
{._{'.' \/
'.) \ And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
{_.{. {`
| I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
{._{ ' { ;'-=-.
| Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
{-.{.' { ';-=-.`
/
{._.{.; '-=-
.' I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
{_.-' `'.__ _,-'
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!
|||`
.='==,
I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees......
Happy Eating to All!! Pass the Cranberries Please!!
Editors Note:
The world is full of
a number of things
I'm sure we should all
be as happy as kings!
Here's hoping you can
find something to be thankful for!
Thanks for being on this
list. I do appreciate you all!
.:.
HAPPY
.:. \|/ .:.
THANKSGIVING!
_ \\,///
\|/ | \|/
_/_\_ ___ \\|///
?#> | \|?#> |
(") /.-.\ (")\\
\|?#>|/ \| /
_ //U\\ |(")|
//-\\\ | \| /?#>/
( ) _ \|_|/ /)v(\ ?#>_/|_|/\\
\ |/ |/ \|
(_`
)_('> | | \/~\/
|||\\\ \| |
|/
(__,~_)8
||| //_\\ ||| \\
|/ \| / \| /
jgs _YY_
_[|]_ /_____\ _[|]_
\| |/ |/
""""""""'""'""'"""""'""""'""'"""'"""""''"'"""^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
\\\//
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Subj: Thanksgiving
Weather Report (S95)
From: auntieg on 98-11-23
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush,
we have received an early weather
report from our in-house weather
reporters. This is one you
should be sure to email your
Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning,
then warm in the oven to
an afternoon high near 190 F.
The kitchen will turn hot and
humid, and if you bother the
cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and
evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the
turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates.
Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots
on the other. Please pass the
gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion
warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased
stuffiness around the beltway.
During the evening, the turkey
will diminish and taper off to
leftovers, dropping to a low
of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday,
high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established.
Flurries of leftovers can
be expected both days with a
50 percent chance of scattered
soup late in the day.
We expect a warming trend where soup
develops. By early next week,
eating pressure will be low
as the only wish left will be
the bone.
\\\//
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Subj: Happy
Thanksgiving Poem (S356)
From: Imogenelumen on 11/23/2003
|
But I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned -
Tossing and turning
So, I raced to the kitchen,
I gobbled up turkey
I felt myself swelling
I crashed through the ceiling,
But, I managed to yell
May your stuffing be tasty,
May your yams be delicious
|
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Thanksgiving
Poetry (S250b)
From: Cypriot on 11/16/2001
by Jack Prelutsky
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air.
It knocked every plate off the
table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the
kitchen
Completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the
windows;
It totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to
the ceiling
Where there'd never been turkey
before.
It blanketed every appliance;
It smeared every saucer and
bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop
it;
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with
displeasure
And thought with chagrin as
I mopped
That I'd never again stuff a
turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been
popped.
\\\//
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Subj: A Turkey's
Thanksgiving Poem (S250b)
From: Cypriot on 11/16/2001
When I was a young turkey, new
to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me
out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he
spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something
that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will
always remember,
When he told me of the horrors
of ... "Black November".
"Come about August, now listen
to me,
Each day you'll get six meals
instead of just three.
And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery
thing under your chin;
And then one morning, when you're
warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your
feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
And then comes the worst part,"
he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and
pack your rear with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were
too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged
piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that
to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain
overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and
granola,
High-roughage salads, juice
and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates
and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane
Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two
pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when
the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed,
ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November
rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in
the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's
wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat
and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing
and humming,
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas
is coming ..."
\\\//
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Subj:
"A Preparation Or Was It Foreplay?" - Poem (S43)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #258 on 97-11-25
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads
of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then
her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was
set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide... he looked
inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched
his arms..........
..
..
..
......And then he stuffed the turkey.....!
And just what were you thinking??? Shame on you!
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Subj: Thanksgiving
Football
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-30
As in many homes throught the
US on Thanksgiving, my wife
and I faced the annual conflict
of which was more important
-- the football games on TV,
or the dinner itself.
To keep peace, I ate dinner with
the rest of the family, and
even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation
before retiring to the Family
Room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife
came downstairs and graciously
even bought a cold beer for
me with her. She smiled, kissed
me on the cheek and asked what
the score was. I told her it
was the end of the third quarter
and that the score was still
nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
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Subj: Woman
Gets Tattooed On Her Thigh
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 03 Dec 97
See 'Holidays Tattooed On Thighs' in TATTOOS.
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Subj: Other
Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-27
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the
TV after Kathie Lee says,
"Aren't they a wonderful band!"
for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt
Beatrice can't kiss you
and say, "How much you've grown!"
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop
from the top of the dorm to
test the range of the splatter
upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
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Subj: Turkey
Recipes
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-27
Dear Friends,
Today they had a contest of second
graders for the best
turkey recipes. I thought
I would share some of the BEST
with you. Please don't
try these at home, as they may
only be truely perfected by
professionals.
1. Get a turkey, four cups of
salt, two cups of vinager,
eleven cups of
oil. Mix everything together and cook
at 600 degrees
until football is over.
2. Get 100 pounds of turkey,
six pounds of stuffing, two
cups of salt, two
teaspoons of vinager (whats with the
vinager?), two
cups of oil. Pour the salt into the
turkey. Stuff
the turkey. Cook at 100 degrees for
four hours.
3. Catch a turkey. Kill
it. Pick off its feathers. Pull
off the head and
feet. Skin it. Cook it in the oven
until its done.
Well, you can decide which you
like best. There were more,
but I can't remember them all.
Have a great Thanksgiving everyone.
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Subj: New
Turkey Recipe (S303)
From: mombear1 on 11/18/2002
File: turkey.jpg (36793
bytes)
DL Time (45333 bps): ? 1 minute
Here is a new way to prepare
your Thanksgiving or
Christmas
Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in
desired shapes
2. Arrange the turkey in the
roasting pan, position
the foil
carefully (see attached picture)
3. Roast according to your
own recipes and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces.
| Click 'Here'to see turkey. |  |
 |
Click 'Here' to see Thanksgiving Nude. |
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Subj: Cooking
A Thanksgiving Turkey
From: auntieg on 98-11-27
Instructions for cooking a thanksgiving Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of
whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in
the oven
Step 4: Take another 2
drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree
at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys
of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the
on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks
of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle
of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the
thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour
of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for
4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of
the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of
the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up
off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another
scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour
yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass
and eat out
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Subj: Thanksgiving
Day Recipe
From: Tom_Adams on 98-11-20
Pappadeaux's is a pretty famous
restaurant here in Houston,
and so I thought I would share
this with you.
Pappadeaux's Sweet Potato Pecan Pie With Bourbon Sauce
The recipe makes a large pie.
1 cup cooked, mashed sweet potatoes (about 2 medium potatoes)
cup each: brown sugar and granulated sugar
1 egg, lightly beaten
cup whipping cream
teaspoon vanilla
Pinch of salt
teaspoon each: ground cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg (see note)
3 tablespoons (1 ounces) softened butter
1 unbaked pie crust for a single-crust 10-inch pie
Pecan Pie Filling and Bourbon Sauce (recipes follow)
Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
Combine sweet potatoes, sugars,
egg, cream, vanilla, salt, cinnamon,
allspice, nutmeg and
butter in electric mixer bowl
and beat at medium-low speed
until smooth; do not overmix.
To assemble pie, spoon sweet
potato filling into pastry-
lined pie pan. Fill shell
evenly to the top with Pecan
Filling. Bake 1 hour or
until a knife inserted in center
of pie comes out clean.
Store pie at room temperature 24
hours. Serve pie slices with
Bourbon Sauce on top or on
the side. Makes 8 to 10 servings.
Note: Recipe was tested with
2 teaspoons Parsley Patch
Spicy Cinnamon instead of combined
cinnamon, allspice and
nutmeg.
Pecan Pie Filling
1 cup each: sugar and dark corn syrup
3 eggs, lightly beaten
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
teaspoon vanilla extract
Pinch of salt
teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup chopped pecans
Combine sugar, syrup, eggs, butter,
vanilla, salt and
cinnamon in electric mixer bowl
and beat on low speed
until syrup is opaque, about
4 to 5 minutes. Stir
inpecans, mixing well.
Bourbon Sauce
1 cup whipping cream
1 cup milk
1(4-serving-size) package instant vanilla pudding mix
3 tablespoons bourbon, brandy or rum
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Combine cream and milk in a large
mixing bowl. Slowly
whip in pudding mix. Add
bourbon and continue whipping.
Add vanilla and whip until mixture
is well-blended to
sauce consistency (should not
be as firm as pudding, but
shouldn't be runny). Sauce
should be made 1 hour before
use; it will thicken as it sits.
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Subj: Short
Thanksgiving Jokes (S147)
 |
Subj:
Thanksgiving On Sesame Street (S460b)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/12/2005 |
| Subj:
Picture-Three Thanksgiving Turkeys (S349b)
From: Imogenelumen on 9/30/2003 |
 |
Top
Subj: The
History Of Thanksgiving (S251b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/19/2001
When was Thanksgiving named
a real holiday?
A: Thanksgiving day was named
as a "real" holiday by
George Washington who proclaimed
a National Day of
Thanksgiving in 1789, however
President Lincoln
made it official by proclaiming
the
last Thursday in
November as a national day of
"Thanksgiving."
From: auntieg on 98-12-09
Thanksgiving dinner is truly
a magical meal.
It keeps reappearing for days.
--Linda Perret
From: smiles on 11/24/1999
Asked to write a composition
entitled, "What I'm thankful
for on Thanksgiving," little
Timothy wrote, "I am thankfull
that I'm not a turkey."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/20/2001
(S251b)
"That was the best Thanksgiving
ever. I mean, emotionally
it was horrible, but the turkey
was soooo moist."
-- Homer Simpson
From: dogbyte on 12/5/2001 (S253)
Killing turkeys causes winter!
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/26/2002
(S304)
What we're really talking about
is a wonderful day set
aside on the fourth Thursday
of November when no one
diets. I mean, why else
would they call it Thanksgiving?
-- Erma Bombeck
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/23/2006
(S514b)
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen
hours to prepare. They
are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve
minutes. This is not
coincidence." -- Erma Bombeck
From: CatScratch on 11/27/2002 (S304b)
Did you know that..... Football
was actually invented by
a group of women, ...as a way
to keep their husbands out
of the kitchen on Thanksgiving!
From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 11/29/2002
(S304)
An optimist is a person who
starts a new diet
on Thanksgiving Day. --
Irv Kupcinet
From: smiles on 98-11-24
Q: Which side of the turkey
has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What is the best thing to
put into stuffing?
A: Your teeth!
Q: What is the key to a good
Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The tur-key!
Q: Did the little Pilgrims eat
their turkey with their fingers?
A: No, they never ate their
fingers!
Q: Why were the Pilgrims afraid
of the turkey?
A: Because he was always a'gobblin!
Q: What do you get if you cross
a pointy black hat
and some leftover
turkey?
A: A witch-bone!
Q: Why didn't the Pilgrim want
to make the bread?
A: It's a crummy job!
Q: Why didn't the turkey want
any lunch?
A: He was already stuffed!
Q: Should you have your whole
family for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: No, you should just have
the turkey!
Q: What part of the turkey can
play in a band?
A: The drum-stick!
Q: What can you never eat for
Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Breakfast or lunch!
From: smiles on 11/24/1999
Q: What did the mother turkey
say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see
you now, he'd turn over in his
gravy!
Q: What key has legs and can't
open doors?
A: A Turkey.
Q: What sound does a space turkey
make?
A: hubble, hubble, hubble.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/19/2001
Q: What kind of music did the
Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
Q: Why did the police arrest
the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl
play
Q: What did the turkey say before
it was roasted?
A: Boy! I'm stuffed!
From: kmacinty on 11/26/2002 (S304)
Q: Is turkey soup good for your
health?
A: Not if you're the turkey.
Q: Why did the turkey bolt down
his food?
A: Because she was a gobbler.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the
road?
A: To show that he wasn't chicken.
Q: Did you hear about the government
officials
who talked turkey?
A: They spoke gobbledygook.
Q: What did the mother turkey
said to her daughter
as she wolfed down
her meal,
A: "Don't gobble your food."
Q: Why are turkeys so good at
arithmetic?
A: Because they count the number
of chopping days
until Thanksgiving.
Q: Why did they let the turkey
join the band?
A: Because it had the drumsticks.
Q: Why did the band leader save
the drumsticks from
thirty-eight turkeys?
A: Because he wanted seventy-six
tom bones.
Q: Why do turkeys have such a
persecution complex?
A: Because they're cut to pieces,
they have the stuffing
knocked out of
them, and they're picked on for days
after Thanksgiving.
Q: What did the leftover turkey
say after it was wrapped
up and refrigerated,
A: "Foiled again."
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 |
Smiley and Turkey from
Smiley_Central |