Valentine

Subj: Valentine Jokes (d3b)
(Includes 38 jokes and articles)

Blowing Kisses
from
Valentine Pictures - Barb's Pics

Also see CHRISTMAS1   - 'A Box of Kisses'
         ENGINEER2    - 'The Engineer's Valentine'
         FACTS3 file - 'A Kiss, the history'
         LOVE file    - 'True Love'
......................- (see whole file)
         MARRIAGE2    - 'I Love Her, But.....'
         PRISON file - 'Escape Convict Breaks Into A House'
         REDNECK2 file- 'Redneck Love Poem'
         TEAR-JERKERS1- 'Flowers For Mom'
         TEARJ-ERKERS2- 'A Moment In A Concentration Camp'
============================================================Top
Subj:     Things Not To Say On Your Valentine's Date... (S474b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/14/2001

1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I
wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't
hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. I like clay. It's mushy.

7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years.
Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a
second look.

8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But
a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Men's Valentine's Day (S314)
          From: gheckman on 2/7/2003

Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get
the chance to display your fondness for a significant other
by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any
other baubles that women find romantic. (YEEESSS, and we
are so DESERVIN of those!!)

Every Valentine's Day you rack your brains (geesh) for that
one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girl-
friend that you really do love them more than any other.
(yeah right. we leave you so many CLUES...men just don't
listen)

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really
don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your
face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is
the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.
Another secret; guys feel left out. (oh pleaaaseee!!!)

That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to
show their appreciation for the men in their life. (YOU"VE
GOT TO BE KIDDIN??) Men as a whole are either too proud
or too embarrassed to admit it. (waaa...waaa...waaaa)

Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th
is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple,
effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been
created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man
how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special
nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it
all, just a steak and a BJ.(as if you men don't get that
already!!)

That's it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day
and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love
as men everywhere try THAT MUCH HARDER in FEBRUARY to
ensure a memorable March 20th. Its like a perpetual love
machine!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any
new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling.
So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this
crazy world. And, of course, steak and bjs!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Sending Osama A Valentine (S263)
          From: gheckman on 2/9/2002

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's
Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and
we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids
saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing
I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in
the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Valentines Day Rhymes (S316)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/14/2003

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with
the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

From: gheckman@scronline.com on 2/28/2003
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards (S262c)
          From: ICohen on 2/7/2002

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown . . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey . . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty,"

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave your sister.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     My Thoughts On Valentines Day
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99

You know, the only people who win on Valentines Day are the
card companies, the florists and the chocolate suppliers.
Just think about it. You lose whether you have a date or not.
Oh yeah, I forgot about those damn teddy bear companies.

If you're a guy and you have date, then the pressure really
mounts. Flowers are no longer given for love or caring, they
are given because of the fear of what will happen if you don't
shower her with gifts. (that's the euphemism for the fear of
not "getting any")

Guys spends lots of money and go through immense amounts of
stress just to ensure success. We all know that the women
will be comparing notes in the office or school the next day,
and Lord help us if we made our wives or girlfriends end up
on the losing side of that inevitable question "What did you
get from your Valentine?" -- And her response better not be
a Victoria's Secrets catalog with the inside pages already
removed.

And if you're a gal with a date, then you have the pressure
of worrying "Will he remember to get me something on Valentines
Day?" and "Will he actually be considerate enough to think
ahead and get me something I really want -- or will he be like
most guys who get a gift and card at the last minute as
unoriginal as every other guy - just to ensure that he will not
be spending the night on the sofa alone"

There is also the horror of deciding what to wear, what gift
to get that will show your own originality and that you care
(but not something too mushy which will embarrass the guy).
And for those of you still in early relationships, you have to
decide just how "romantic and intimate" you want the date to
be. Should there be a kiss? And should there be "more"? You
can always kiss the Teddy Bear if you are undecided.

And how many time do you go out with some clunker who you
wouldn't be caught dead with, just because you didn't want to
be alone on Valentines Day.

And as bad as all of the above sounds, not having a date is
even worse. You get to watch all the women proudly displaying
their flowers as they are walking down the street, wishing
that you were either the one with them or had someone to give
them to on Valentines Day. Then you see all of the couples in
restaurant windows glowing (or at least pretending to glow)
at one another.

If you don't have a date, you just sit down and mope all day
- wondering why you have been tortured to be alive today with-
out that special someone, and secretly hoping that someone
calls you last minute with something to do. Otherwise you just
sit back frustrated wishing that you were being stressed out
about buying and getting gifts, dropping $100 on a dinner with
poor service, and having to compare 'What did you do for
Valentines Day?' in the office. All in all, you just can't
win. AND I'M A ROMANTIC

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Top 10 Mafia Valentines (S159)
          From: KMacinty on 02/15/2000

My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.

I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes-
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me-
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.

I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.

Be my Valentine... and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red.
I blew up your car-So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!

Hey.

Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But you're untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good,
but y'know, dis ain't really what
a guy's heart looks like.

Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.

And the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...

When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
-- that's amore!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Hershey Kiss On Valentine's Day (DU)
          From: gheckman on 99-02-14

                            ,.-'Y _^-,
                       ,.-'^H E ,-^ ^-,\
                   ,.-'^ R S ,.-^       \|
                   \ H E ,.-^            k
                    \,.-^                  i
                                           ss
                                          kiss
                                          kiss
                                         kissk
                                        isskiss
                                      kisskisskis
                                    skisskisskisski
                                sskisskisskisskisskiss
                              kisskisskisskisskisskisskis
                           skisskisskisskisskisskisskisskiss
                          kisskisskisskisskisskisskisskisskiss
                         isskisskisskisskisskisskisskisskisskis
                          kisskisskisskisskisskisskisskisskiss
                           skisskisskisskisskisskisskisskissk

                  Roses are red,
                  Violets are blue,
                  A friend of yours
                  Is thinking of you .
                       *smile*

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Fuck Valentine's Day
          From: bawdymom on 98-02-18

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     White House Valentine's Day Poems (S55)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 98-02-16

The Top 15 White House Valentine's Day Poems

16> After years of indiscretion,
        at last I've come to learn,
     that I must send this Valentine,
        To Whom it May Concern.

15> Valentine, I think you're great,
        a Chief Executive who can delegate.
     And you warm this First Lady's heart,
        by having interns do the unpleasant part.

14> On most every day,
        I like McDonald's fries.
     On Valentine's Day,
       I prefer Monica's thighs -- Super Sized!

13> Will you deny, Valentine?

12> Hey, Big Creep, on Valentine's Day,
        we'll play Marilyn and JFK.
     Just make sure that Hillary's gone,
        'cause you get me interned on!

11> How do I love thee?
Let me count the entries in the visitors' log.

10> Monica, Monica, quiet young mouse
-- taking her Bill to the floor of the House.

8> Hi there! Happy Valentine's day!
Sorry to serve your subpoena this way.

7> Roses are red,
        then they turn gray,
     My heart goes pitter-pat
        when you wear that beret.

6> Shall I compare thee to my high school drama teacher?

5> Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr,
        I talked to Vernon in the car.
     I promised him my lips are sealed,
        but I'll change my mind, for a sweet book deal.

4> As soon as I'm finished bombing Iraq,
I'd like to get you in the sack.

3> Will you, on the night in question of February 14th,
be my Valentine?

2> Violets are blue,
        roses are thorny.
     All hell breaks loose,
        when Bubba gets horny.

and the Number 1 White House Valentine's Day Poem...

1> I'll bomb England, I'll bomb France,
If you'll remove my underpants.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj:     Short Valentine Jokes

Top

Subj:     Dirty Valentine Card #2 (S579b)
          From: darrellvip
          on 2/14/2008

You can read this cute, dirty card by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj: Valentine Riddle (S527)
From: Daily Brain Teasers/Puzzles on 1/31/07
Drawing from 2D Graphics

Source: http://www.apuzzlezone.com/adailypuzzle/02-14-07.html
Every student in a second grade class sends a valentine to
each of the other students in the class, for a total of 306
valentines. How many students are in the class?

The solution can be found at the source above.

Top
Subj: Valentine Poem (S475b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/17/2006
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Top

Subj:     Dirty Valentine Card (S469b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/12/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20010214
You can see this off color joke at the source above, or on
my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: The Meaning Of Valentine's Day (S247)
From: dogbyte on 10/20/2001
If Labor Day means that I
get a day off from my job,
then....

Does Valentine's Day mean
that I get a day off from
my wife?

Top
Subj: Man Sends Out 1000 Valentines (S211)
From: thebartend on 2/14/2001
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Top
Subj: Children's Day
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
In India, 14th November is celebrated as Children's Day
(It is dedicated in the memory of the first Prime Minister
who loved children). A kid was asked "Why 14th November is
celebrated as Children's day ?" He replied with a smirk,
"Because it is 9 months after Valentine's Day"

Top
Subj: Interpreting Dreams
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's
day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and
gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find
a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/12/99
Bill Clinton’s Valentines
How do I love thee?
Let me count the entries in the White House visitors' log.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/13/2002 (S263)
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
-- Lilly Tomlin.

From: LABLaughs.com on 1/26/2002 (S264)
"No gift is too small to give, nor too simple to receive,
if it's chosen with thoughtfulness and given with love."

From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 2/16/2007 (S526b)
"The White Castle hamburger chain is offering couples a
romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. White Castle says it’s
the perfect way to tell that special someone your love
is worth $3.99." -- Conan O'Brien

Q: Who sends a thousand cards on Valentines Day signed "Guess who?"
A: A divorce lawyer - Submitted by Kaushik Bhaduri

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Smiley in Love from
Smiley_Central

.