national

>>>
Subj: National Or World Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 41 jokes and articles)

People of Earth
from
Some New Light Shed

Includes the following: Growth Of A Nation (S460b)
.........................A Nun Speaks About America (S289)
.........................Our Politically Correct New Pledge (S283)
.........................Root Out Terrorists! (S278)
.........................Oliver North Video (S249)
.........................A Bill Of No Rights (S233b)
.........................Are You An American? (British Test) (S202)
.........................I Love My Country - Sign (S451)
.........................The Best Congress Money Can Buy... (S147)
.........................The Road To The White House (S131A)
.........................Upcoming MasterCard Commercial (S120)
.........................The Whole World As 100 People (S108, S362)
.........................Picking A World Leader (S105)
.........................Cultural Differences Explained (S84)
.........................Only In America (S77, S366b)
.........................Life As An American (S114)
.........................Cutting On Every Group(S176)
Short National Jokes
..............................America Why I Love Her (S469)
..............................Chads by Dr. Seuss: (S199)
..............................Number Of Words (S183)
..............................Six Presidents On A Sinking Boat (S146)
..............................What Flag Is This? (S122)
..............................Government Controls (S116)
..............................Money (S179)

In just ten minutes this SWF movie gives you a great thumbnail
history of the United States of America. You can view it at
the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     A Nun Speaks About America (S289)
          From: drribeiro on 8/12/2002

A Nun speaks up

I think everyone on this planet needs to read this. This
was sent by a 78 yr. old former nun. The thoughts are pure
and we all understand the point...

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! There are a few things that those who
have recently come to our country, and apparently some
native Americans, need to understand.

First of all, it is not our responsibility to continually
try not to offend you in any way. This idea of America
being a multicultural community has served only to dilute
our sovereignty and our national identity.

As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society,
our own language, and our own lifestyle. This culture,
called the "American Way" has been developed over centuries
of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and
women who have sought freedom.

Our forefathers fought, bled, and died at places such as
Bunker Hill, Antietam, San Juan, Iwo Jima, Normandy, Korea,
Vietnam...

We speak English, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese,
Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society -, learn our language!"

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some
off-the-wall,Christian, Right Wing, political slogan -- it
is our national motto.

It is engraved in stone in the House of Representatives in
our Capitol and it is printed on our currency. We adopted
this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian
principles, founded this nation and this is clearly
documented throughout our history. If it is appropriate
for our motto to be inscribed in the halls of our highest
level of Government, then it is certainly appropriate to
display it on the walls of our schools.

God is in our pledge, our National Anthem, nearly every
patriotic song, and in our founding documents. We honor
His birth, death, and resurrection as holidays, and we
turn to Him in prayer in times of crisis. If God offends
you, then I suggest you consider another part of the
world as your new home, because God is part of our
culture and we are proud to have Him.

We are proud of our heritage and those who have so
honorably defended our freedoms. We celebrate
Independence Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and Flag
Day. We have parades, picnics, and barbecues where we
proudly wave our flag.

As an American, I have the right to wave my flag, sing
my national anthem, quote my national motto, and cite my
pledge whenever and wherever I choose. If the Stars and
Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this
planet.

The American culture is our way of life, our heritage,
and we are proud of it. We are happy with our culture
and have no desire to change, and we really don't care
how you did things where you came from. Like it or not,
this is our country, our land, and our lifestyle.

Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to
express his opinion about our government, culture, or
society, and we will allow you every opportunity to do so.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping
about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our
way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one
other great American freedom: THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!

Another thing: To those who do complain about the usage
of words like 'God' and 'American' and speaking the
language of our great nation, TRY GOING TO ANOTHER
COUNTRY AND SPEAK AGAINST WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE. YOU WILL
MORE THAN LIKELY END UP JAILED OR EVEN KILLED.

In America, you take your right to complain for granted.
The more patriotism that is removed from where our
children are taught, the less our children will learn
about what it is to be an American and our nation's spirit
will slowly be killed. Keep patriotism alive!

If you agree, pass this onto other Americans!!

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Subj:     Our Politically Correct New Pledge (S283)
          From: thebartend on 7/1/2002

I Pledge (if I am emotionally so inclined, but otherwise
make no commitment whatsoever) Allegiance (or if not, at
least a passing interest in) to the Cloth Symbol (known
by most but not necessarily myself as "The Flag") of the
loosely associated group of governmental regulatory bodies
known as The United States of America (which may also be
referred to as a group of ethnically diversified persons
living in the same place at the same time) and to the
Republic (please refer to the aforementioned disclaimer
regarding the USA) for which it stands, one nation
(please refer to the aforementioned disclaimer regarding
the USA), under (or maybe even over) an unspecified deity
(or not if you so choose so as not to possibly offend any
member of the ethnically diversified group herein assembled
to recite or not to recite this statement of allegiance or
interest depending on the mood of the moment) indivisible
(or invisible or visible or whatever) with Liberty (because
you have to have liberty even if there is no commitment or
responsibility whatsoever) and Justice (whatever you may
define that to be) for All (and by "all" we may mean just
one lousy individual who wants to, with the help of his
A.C.L.U. court appointed attorney, ruin everything for
everybody else).

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Subj:     Root Out Terrorists! (S278)
          From: gowest42 on 5/25/2002

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has
asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in
a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin
to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday
afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are
asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help
weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block
for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front
of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other
women nude. (Since the Taliban does not approve of alcohol,
a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-
Taliban sentiment.)

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to
CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia. The United States of
America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your efforts.

Please by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots to
ensure 100% participation.

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Subj:     Oliver North Video (S249)
          From: ICohen on 11/9/2001

Remember when? Most vets supported Col North but our
government made fun of him and made him out to be another
crazy Marine. Not what do they say?

From a student.
I was at a UNC lecture the other day where they played a
video of Oliver North during the Iran-Contra deals during
the Reagan Administration. I was only 14 back then but
was surprised by this particular clip. There was Olie in
front of God and Country getting the third degree. But
what he said stunned me. He was being drilled by some
senator I didn't recognize who asked him, "Did you not
recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security
system?"

Oliver replied, "Yes I did, Sir." The senator continued,
trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't this
just a little excessive?" "No sir," continued Oliver.

"No. And why not?" "Because the life of my family and I
were threatened."

"Threatened? By who." "By a terrorist, sir."

"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"

"His name is Osama bin Laden." At this point the senator
tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it. A
couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator
continued.

"Why are you so afraid of this man?"

"Because sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of."

"And what do you recommend we do about him?"

"If it were me I would recommend an assassin team be formed
to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."
The senator disagreed with this approach and that was all
they showed of the clip. It's scary when you think 15
years ago the government was aware of bin Laden and his
potential threat to the security of the world.

I guess like all great tyrants they start small but if left
untended spread like the virus they truly are.

Ira Cohen
Telecommunications Systems Engineer
City of Oakland - OIT - Network Engineering

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Subj:     A Bill Of No Rights (S233b)
          From: agrief on 7/13/2001

The following has apparently been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance
of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe,
promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of
debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally
whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other, bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot
of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim that they require a Bill of No Rights".

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you
if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing you anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended.
This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom
for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn
channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be
more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make
you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be
found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are
quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of
professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care.
That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing,
we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm
other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim,
or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us
want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions
of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or
services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest
of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a
life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our
children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your
aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and
won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire
world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling
each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a
funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us
sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along
in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being
an American means that you have the right to PURSUE
happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created
by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't
have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't.
I just think it is about time common sense is allowed to
flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.

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Subj:     Are You An American? (British Test) (S202)
          From: KMACINTY on 12/11/2000

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is
over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your
decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering
pumped-up inbreds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in
the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheer-
leaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a
trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in
spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally
run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet
if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not,
that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home
hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of
the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping
in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith
healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your
head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience
of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six
eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten
waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get
married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a
hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel
in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed
as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase,
becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What
do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports
or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-
automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small
town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What
kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge
where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an over-
paid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance
to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your
wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen
again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation,
and sue your wife's ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral
process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted;
then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline
whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-
ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy
'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes
within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount
to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by
the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds;
then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making
sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce
around the world telling other countries how to run their own
elections.

Answers...
If you answered:

mostly (a)'s ? (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself
with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-
up truck.

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Subj:     I Love My Country (S451)
          From: Anon Jr. on 9/10/2005
Source: http://www.northernsun.com/images/thumb/5644ILoveMyCountry.jpg

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Subj:     The Best Congress Money Can Buy... (S147)
          From: JCary on 11/22/1999
   (Also see 'Company With 500+ Employees' in National-Supp)

Based on records prior to the summer break,

   29 members of Congress have been accused of spousal
      abuse,
    7 have been arrested for fraud,
   19 have been accused of writing bad checks,
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses,
    3 have been arrested for assault,
   71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a
      credit card,
   14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
    8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
   21 are current defendants in lawsuits,
      and in 1998 alone,
   84 were stopped for drunk driving, but released after
      they claimed Congressional immunity.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

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Subj:     The Road To The White House (S131A)
          From: smiles on 8/4/99

Abraham Lincoln's road to the White House
proves you should never give up.

      1831 Failed in business
      1832 Defeated for Legislature
      1833 Second failure in business
      1836 Suffers nervous breakdown
      1838 Defeated for Speaker
      1840 Defeated for Elector
      1843 Defeated for Congress
      1848 Defeated for Congress
      1855 Defeated for Senate
      1856 Defeated for Vice President
      1858 Defeated for Senate
      1860 Elected President of the United States

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Subj:     Upcoming MasterCard Commercial (S120)
          From: KMacinty on 5/21/99

Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon - $25 million dollars

Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Bomber - $45 million dollars.

Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - $74 million dollars.

Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - $2.1 billion dollars.

A decent map of downtown Belgrade -- Priceless.

There are some things that money can't buy... unfortunately good
intelligence isn't one of them. (unless you're at Los Alamos).

For the rest, there's MasterCard, the official card of the 19
member NATO alliance and those who believe that sometimes you
just need to blow up something in order to restore peace. And
start WWIII with a few billion Chinese.

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Subj:     The Whole World As 100 People (S108, S362)
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-14 ? 1/6/2004

Happy NEW YEAR...A Time to Reflect !!

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of
precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios
remaining the same, it would look something like the
following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death

1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed
perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding
and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the million who will not even
survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the
loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the
pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500 million people
in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three
billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back,
a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than
75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare
change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of
the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you
are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this message, you just received a double
blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and further-
more, you are more blessed than over two billion people
in the world that cannot read at all.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

It's the beginning of a New Year, time to reflect,
and time to plan for the immediate future for your
continued prosperity!

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Subj:     Picking A World Leader (S105)
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #27 on 99-01-29

It is time to elect a world leader. Your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A:   associates with ward heelers and consults
                with astrologists. He's had two mistresses.
                He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis
                a day.

Candidate B:   was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
                noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart
                of brandy every evening.

Candidate C:   is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
                doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
                hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??
Choose one and then scroll down.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

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Subj:     Cultural Differences Explained (S84)
          From: Anaise on 98-09-06

Ausssies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
    Brits: Believe that you should look out for those
           people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for
            and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken
for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and
            obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem,
            when they can be bothered to sing them.
    Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band
            to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more
            American channels.
    Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one
            there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
    Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they
            can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather
            than watch them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football,
            baseball and basketball.
    Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer
            and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey,
            hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice,
            playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat
            the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
    Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call
            it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to
            everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

    Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because
            they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because
            they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping,
            gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping,
            gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are
            morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are
            morally suspect.
    Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty,
            success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after
            several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways
            and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and
            dump their old ways.
    Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and
are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and
            Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John
            Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and
            all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
    Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans
            ignore them because they don't understand subtle
            humor.

    Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments
            of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments
            of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans
            were once Canadian.

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Subj:     Only In America (S77, S366b)
          From: ossama on 98-07-22
      and From: mjsally on 1/27/2004

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink.

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk
                   all the way to the back of the store
                  to get their prescriptions while
                   healthy people can buy cigarettes at
                   the front.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers,
a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and leave useless things
and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
                   and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
                   call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
                   the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many"
and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Life As An American (S114)
          From: RFSlick on 3/14/99

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take
the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that
will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then
won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American
and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in
the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us
live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement
to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son
run wild.

We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off
our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where
we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power"
up with our "yearning power."

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for
education, but spend three billion dollars a year for
cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing,
but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake,
we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth,
but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country
in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other
country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power
up with our yearning power.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Cutting On Every Group (S176)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #229 on 98-02-08

Given people clearly don't realise that abuse will be
happening to their racial group sooner or later, we thought
perhaps an "Abuse Primer" might help them grasp the situation.

American - Thick. Arrogant and self centered.

African American - Thick and violent. No dress or music sense
and a deep seated inferiority complex.

Irish American - Thick and violent enough to give money to
terrorists. Just enough sense to leave their last country
when the food ran out.

Hispanic American - Coming to America didn't help much. Still
poor, still uneducated, but now they don't understand the TV.

Native American - Too stupid to leave when the modern Americans
arrived. Too stubborn to die.

East Coast American - Probably a Lawyer. 'Nough said.

West Coast American - Clearly does not understand the word
'Earthquake'. Does understand the phrase 'double-decaff'.

Mid West American - Stupidity runs in the family, if you know
what I mean. Good banjo players though.

Canadian - Obsessed by Ice Hockey, otherwise American.

Scottish - Live in a permanently cold and wet environment,
yet only discovered underwear a century ago.

Irish - Drunk, violent and too stupid to emigrate when the
food ran out.

Welsh - Such an easy target, you can think of something.

English - Sexually repressed.

English (Essex) - Errr, *not* sexually repressed. Just
lacking in taste.

Scandinavian - Even less sexually repressed than Essex
girls. Better looking though, and more taste, apart from Ikea.

Americans - Still stupid. Just thought I'd mention it again.
Think a "World Series" with teams from only one country is
normal.

Belgians - Dull.

French - Smell of garlic.

Italian - Lazy, smell of garlic.

Greek - Incestuous, lazy, smell of garlic.

Polish - Unclean, incestuous, lazy. Don't smell of garlic,
but you wish they did.

German - No sense of humour. Started the war......and lost.

Americans - Can't spell "Potatoes". Still stupid. Don't
mind losing a war, so long as it's televised.

Chinese - Spik stlangely. Err, sorry, I mean: Speak strangely.

Japanese - Speak strangely, and are bound by such strict
codes of conduct they'd rather disembowel themselves than
apologise; hence some still glow in the dark.

Australians - Drunk. Fuck sheep/kangaroos/dingos/anything.
Want to sleep on your floor if you live in London.

Russian - Stupid and drunk. Sort of like an Australian
American, I suppose, but without the sense of humour...
perhaps a German Australian American?

Americans - Still thick. Especially those from Michigan.
Are allowed to continue in the belief that they won the
war (even though they were late) because they make such
good cannon fodder.

New Zealand - Never heard a New Zealander joke, so, err,
*dull*. But not as dull as the Belgians.

Mexicans - Exist purely to make the Americans feel less
stupid. Say things like "Hey greeengo, we don' neeed
your steeenkin' abuse". Get shot by baddies in cowboy
films. And American Border Guards in real life.

Spanish - Had a great empire before the English did,
now pathetic.

Portuguese - Had a slightly smaller empire than the
Spanish, now even more pathetic.

Swiss - Sense of humour like a German's, but make better
chocolate.

Arabs - Wear tea towels, national sports are buggery and
losing wars. Hence quite like the Germans apart from the
tea towels and the buggery. Well, as far as *I* know, anyway.

Israel - Obnoxious, arrogant, and impatient.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj:     Short National Jokes

Top

Subj:     America Why I Love Her (S469)
          From: flovilla on 1/11/2006
          Created by OldBlueWebDesigns.com

Source: http://sagebrushpatriot.com/america.htm
A beautiful SWF movie narrated by John Wayne. You can see it
at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Chads by Dr. Seuss: (S199)
From: TAdams on 11/22/2000
I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card by card
I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.

Top
Subj:     Number Of Words (S183)
          From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
         (Also see 'Number Of Words' in FACTS3)
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale
    of cabbage: 26,911 words.

Top
Subj: Six Presidents On A Sinking Boat (S146)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/19/1999
Six Presidents were on a sinking boat.
Ford says, "What do we do?"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What life boats?"
Carter says, "Women first..."
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

Top
Subj: What Flag Is This? (S122)
From: mbucher on 5/20/99
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an
encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She
pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, That's the flag of our country."
"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of
our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

Top
Subj: Government Controls (S116)
From: Tom_Adams on 4/6/99
"...[list shortened for brevity] the air we breathe, the
water we drink, whether we ought to be permitted to buy a
firearm, what medical care we oughta receive, the fuel
economy of our vehicles, whether we should wear seat belts,
what our children are taught, what they eat for lunch, what
TV shows are too violent for them to watch, and now, even
what traffic reports we oughta listen to. [long pause]
Wouldn't the founding fathers tell us that rebellion, like
charity, should begin at home?"

-- C.S. Coldwell

We, fellow citizens, do not have the autonomy that the US
president, Felonious Maximus, seeks for the residents of
Kosovo.

Top
Subj: Money (S179)
From: auntieg on 98-05-09
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the
upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield"
and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.

Who was the only real person who ended up as a Pez head?
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaun-
gahoronukupokai wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Percentage of American men who say they would marry
the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry
the same man: 50%

From: FrankRoesc on 5/7/99 (S118)
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford
Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

From: FrankRoesc on 5/10/99
*The name of all the continents end with the same letter
that they start with.

From: RFSlick on 5/31/99 (S123)
A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order
will lose both, and deserve neither. -- Thomas Jefferson --

From: smiles on 98-10-01
"I cannot live without books." -- Thomas Jefferson

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/28/2001 (S248)
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power." -- Abraham Lincoln

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/18/2002 (S264)
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years. -- Abraham Lincoln

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/17/2002 (S264)
"It's better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool
than to open it and resolve all doubt." -- Abraham Lincoln

Also see 'Quotes By Abe Lincoln' in Thoughts-learned-SUPP

From: dogbyte on 11/16/2001 (S250)
The world really isn't
any worse than before.

It's just that the news
coverage is so much better!

From: LABLaughs.com on 1/24/2002 (S260)
"To give up the task of reforming society is to give up
one's responsibility as a free man." -- Alan Paton

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/7/2002 (S275c)
If passion drives, let reason hold the reins.
-- Benjamin Franklin

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/19/2002 (S277b)
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted
all the other alternatives. -- Abba Eban (1915-)

From: KMACINTY on 12/6/2000 (S201)
Q: What is the difference between Al Gore and a litter of puppies?
A: After a few weeks the puppies open their eyes and quit whining.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/2/2002 (S266c)
Q: Did you know that ENRON is just a shorthand name
for the company?
A: The full name is: "TAKE THE MONEY ENRON."

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Smiley Sam from
Smiley_Central

.