Subj: National Or World Jokes
(Includes 38 jokes and articles, 11 1091n,8,cL2f,wXT2a6a,6)
People of Earth
Some New Light Shed
Also see ANAGRAMS
- 'Anagrammed National Capitals'
ASIAN file - 'Pakistani Arrives In America'
BANKING-MONEY- 'The United States One Dollar Bill'
BLACKS1 file - 'The Ant And The Grasshopper'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Vs Roe-Wade'
BRDS-CHICK-SB- 'Chicken Plays America the Beautiful' - Video
CANADA file - 'Thousand Islands Of The St Lawrence'
......................- (jokes about the nation)
CHRISTMAS3 - 'Twas A Week Past Election.....'
CHRISTMAS4 - 'Christmas In Guatemala'
.........COLLEGE1 file- 'Qualifications For US President'
CONDOM file - 'United States Government Seal'
CONTRACTOR - 'Three Contractors Tour The White House'
COW_SHEEP - 'Service'
......................- 'You Have Two Cows Vers. II'
DOG1 file - 'Dog Sex Scandal' - Photo
DOG3 file - 'USA And Russia In A Dog Fight'
EAST EURPEAN - 'Pro USA Editorial f/Romanian Newspaper'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office'
ENGLISHMAN - 'Earthquake in Albania'
......................- 'The British Speak About Election 2000'
......................- 'Why British Are Superior To Americans'
FACTS4 file - 'How Lincoln And John F. Kennedy Were Alike:'
FACTS5 file - 'Interesting World Facts'
......................- 'A Little History From the 1500s'
FAMOUS-PEOPL1- 'Definition Of Globalization'
FARMER1 file - 'Boy Pushes Over Outhouse'
FARMER2 file - 'Farmer Not Raising Hogs'
FART-SUPP - 'Candorville Comic Strip'
FAT file - 'Nations' Obesity Rates'
......................- 'Americans At A Chinese Soccer Stadium'
FOURTHOFJULY - 'Story of our National Anthem' - Video
......................- (the whole file)
GAY file - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
GENIE file - 'The IRS Genie'
......................- 'Three Guys From Different States Find Genie'
GHOSTS file - 'Ghost Stories From The White House'
.........GRAVEYARD - 'Arlington At Christmas'
.........HEADLINS-ADDS- 'The Newspapers'
INDIAN file - 'The Dead Horse Theory' - Drawing
JEWISH1 file - 'Irena Sendler - Holocaust Heroine'
JOBS1 file - 'Why I'm Tired'
JOBS2 file - 'Government Road Workers'
......................- 'The Benefits Of Shopping Globally'
JOBS3 file - 'Three Boys Brag About Father's Speed'
JUDGE file - 'Nativity In Washington DC'
KIDS2 file - 'Whose Father Is Fastest?'
KIDS4 file - 'Son Compared To Lincoln'
LAWYER1 file - 'The Lawyer Wins One......'
LAWYER2 file - 'One Of Abe Lincoln's Law Cases'
......................- 'Roosevelt's Talk To His Son'
LISTS file - 'Headlines 2050'
LISTS-SUPP - 'Top Ten Of Everything; Interesting'
MEXICAN file - '2 Girls And The US Border Fence' - Video
MIDDLE EAST - 'Bush Visits Hussein'
MOVIES2-SUPP - 'A Scene From HBO's Series The Newsroom' - Video
MUSIC-SUPP - 'Press One For English'
......................- 'The Oswald Rock Band'
NATIONAL_STAT- 'Congressional Retirement System'
NEW_YORKER - 'Gratitude And Charity'
......................- 'The Towers'
OTHER_NATIONL- 'Swiss Meets Two Americans'
......................- 'Keukenhof, A Park In Holland'
PENIS3 file - 'The "First" Wives' Penis Names'
PILOT SUPP - 'Virtual Pilot'
POETRY file - 'Walking A Crooked Path'
POLITICAL1 - 'Reflections of Great Minds on Government'
POLITICAL2 - 'Winston Churchill Quotes And Facts'
POLIT-SUPP2 - 'You Might Be A Wall Street Occupier, If:'
QUOTES2 file - 'Bush Quotes'
SANTA file - 'Santa's Going To Be Late'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Kindergardners See Flag'
SCHOOL-SUPP2 - 'Geography Quiz'
SCIENCE1 file- '8 Amazing Holes!'
SHIT file - 'Washington Crosses The Delaware'
SIGNS-SUPP - 'Casa D'Ice Restaurant Signs'
SOLDIER1 file- 'Military Death Benefits by Rush Limbaugh'
SOLDIER2 file- 'Troop Death Rate In Iraq'
.........SOUTHERN - 'You know you Are A Yankee IF...'
SPEECHES - 'The Pampered Generation'
STORIES file - 'America: The Good Neighbor'
TAXES file - 'New Taxes In The Last 100 Years'
TAXES-SUPP - 'Senator Sanders' Top 10 Corporate Tax Avoiders:' - Video
......................- 'A Letter To Our Senator'
TEST1 file - 'Urine Test'
THGHTS-LRN-SP- 'Quotes By Abe Lincoln'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'A Brief History Of Time'
THO-TIME-SUPP- 'A Year In History, 1972'
THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Thoughts Of Eleanor Roosevelt'
TRUCK-BUS - 'Patriotic Trucker'
WAITER file - 'Treasury Secretary Has Expired Visa Card'
WOMEN2 file - 'The Geography Of A Woman'
WORD JOKES1 - 'The Meaning Of Service'
Subj: America Why I Love Her (S469d-Off Site)
From: flovilla on 1/11/2006
.....Clicking 'HERE' to see this beautiful video
.....................narrated by John Wayne.
Subj: The Best Congress Money Can Buy... (S147, S611b)
From: JCary on 11/22/1999
(Also see 'Company With 500+ Employees' in National-Supp)
Based on records prior to the summer break,
29 members of Congress
have been accused of spousal
7 have been arrested for fraud,
19 have been accused of writing bad checks,
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses,
3 have been arrested for assault,
71 have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 are current defendants in lawsuits,
and in 1998 alone,
84 were stopped for drunk driving, but released after
they claimed Congressional immunity.
and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
has found that some of this is true at
My Beautiful America
.............- The Charlie Daniels Band (S991)
Made by charliedanielsvideos
From: TLL on 1/9/2016 (d-iFrame)
Click 'HERE' to see Charlie Daniels recite "My Beautiful America."
Subj: The Road To The White House (S131A)
From: smiles on 8/4/99
road to the White House
proves you should never give up.
Failed in business
1832 Defeated for Legislature
1833 Second failure in business
1836 Suffers nervous breakdown
1838 Defeated for Speaker
1840 Defeated for Elector
1843 Defeated for Congress
1848 Defeated for Congress
1855 Defeated for Senate
1856 Defeated for Vice President
1858 Defeated for Senate
1860 Elected President of the United States
Growth Of A Nation (S460b)
by Peter Mays in 2002 (d-On Site-SWF)
From: igiggle on 11/17/2005
In just ten minutes this video
gives you a great thumbnail
history of the United States of America. You can view by
Subj: Only In America (S77, S366b)
From: ossama on 98-07-22
and From: mjsally on 1/27/2004
Only in America...can a pizza
get to your house faster
than an ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap
in front of a skating rink.
Only in America.....do drugstores
make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at
Only in America...do people order
double cheese burgers,
a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America...do banks leave
both doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and leave useless things
and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...do we use answering
machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the
word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many"
and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Only in America.....do they have
drive-up ATM machines with
Subj: Ronald Reagan's "We The People" Speech (S1002)
From: Gary Wing on 3/18/2016 (d-iFrame)
.....Click 'HERE' to hear Reagan's "We the People" speech.
Reagan's One-Liners' in Political-Supp to
.....see all the videos, one-liners and jokes by Ronald Reagan.
Subj: The Whole World As 100 People (S108, S362)
From: RFSlick on 99-02-14 and 1/6/2004
Happy NEW YEAR...A Time to Reflect !!
If we could shrink the earth's
population to a village of
precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios
remaining the same, it would look something like the
There would be:
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of
the entire world's wealth
and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world
from such a compressed
perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding
and education becomes glaringly apparent.
The following is also something
If you woke up this morning with
more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the million who will not even
survive this week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle, the
loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the
pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500 million people
in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three
billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator,
clothes on your back,
a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than
75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare
change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of
the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still alive
and still married ... you
are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.
If you can read this message,
you just received a double
blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and further-
more, you are more blessed than over two billion people
in the world that cannot read at all.
Someone once said: What
goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
It's the beginning of a New Year,
time to reflect,
and time to plan for the immediate future for your
The Whole World As 100 People - PPS (S791)
From: tom on 3/7/2012 (d-On Site)
Drawing from DalasBlog.com
If we could shrink the earth's
population to a village of
precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios
remaining the same, how would it look?
to see this wonderful PowerPoint Show about
our world population.
Subj: Picking A World Leader (S105)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #27 on 99-01-29
It is time to elect a world leader.
Your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: associates
with ward heelers and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses.
He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis
Candidate B: was
kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart
of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a
decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is
Choose one and then scroll down.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
America Is Full Of Shit-Carlin
From: Teresa Cheney
..........on 10/11/2017 (S1083d-On Site)
Click 'HERE' to see George Carlin explain why America is full of shit.
Subj: A Nun Speaks About America (S289, DU)
From: drribeiro on 8/12/2002
A Nun speaks up
I think everyone on this planet
needs to read this. This
was sent by a 78 yr. old former nun. The thoughts are pure
and we all understand the point...
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! There
are a few things that those who
have recently come to our country, and apparently some
native Americans, need to understand.
First of all, it is not our responsibility
try not to offend you in any way. This idea of America
being a multicultural community has served only to dilute
our sovereignty and our national identity.
As Americans, we have our own
culture, our own society,
our own language, and our own lifestyle. This culture,
called the "American Way" has been developed over centuries
of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and
women who have sought freedom.
Our forefathers fought, bled,
and died at places such as
Bunker Hill, Antietam, San Juan, Iwo Jima, Normandy, Korea,
We speak English, not Spanish,
Arabic, Chinese, Japanese,
Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society -, learn our language!"
"In God We Trust" is our national
motto. This is not some
off-the-wall,Christian, Right Wing, political slogan -- it
is our national motto.
It is engraved in stone in the
House of Representatives in
our Capitol and it is printed on our currency. We adopted
this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian
principles, founded this nation and this is clearly
documented throughout our history. If it is appropriate
for our motto to be inscribed in the halls of our highest
level of Government, then it is certainly appropriate to
display it on the walls of our schools.
God is in our pledge, our National
Anthem, nearly every
patriotic song, and in our founding documents. We honor
His birth, death, and resurrection as holidays, and we
turn to Him in prayer in times of crisis. If God offends
you, then I suggest you consider another part of the
world as your new home, because God is part of our
culture and we are proud to have Him.
We are proud of our heritage
and those who have so
honorably defended our freedoms. We celebrate
Independence Day, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and Flag
Day. We have parades, picnics, and barbecues where we
proudly wave our flag.
As an American, I have the right
to wave my flag, sing
my national anthem, quote my national motto, and cite my
pledge whenever and wherever I choose. If the Stars and
Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this
The American culture is our way
of life, our heritage,
and we are proud of it. We are happy with our culture
and have no desire to change, and we really don't care
how you did things where you came from. Like it or not,
this is our country, our land, and our lifestyle.
Our First Amendment gives every
citizen the right to
express his opinion about our government, culture, or
society, and we will allow you every opportunity to do so.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping
about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our
way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one
other great American freedom: THE RIGHT TO LEAVE!
Another thing: To those who do
complain about the usage
of words like 'God' and 'American' and speaking the
language of our great nation, TRY GOING TO ANOTHER
COUNTRY AND SPEAK AGAINST WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE. YOU WILL
MORE THAN LIKELY END UP JAILED OR EVEN KILLED.
In America, you take your right
to complain for granted.
The more patriotism that is removed from where our
children are taught, the less our children will learn
about what it is to be an American and our nation's spirit
will slowly be killed. Keep patriotism alive!
If you agree, pass this onto other Americans!!
.............by John Graziano on 1/8/2010 (S678)
Subj: A Bill Of No Rights (S233b, DU)
From: agrief on 7/13/2001
The following has apparently
been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.
"We, the sensible people of the
United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance
of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe,
promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of
debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally
whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other, bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident:
that a whole lot
of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim that they require a Bill of No Rights".
ARTICLE I: You do not have the
right to a new car, big
screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you
if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing you anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the
right to never be offended.
This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom
for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn
channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have
the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be
more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make
you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the
right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be
found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are
quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of
professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the
right to free health care.
That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing,
we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the
right to physically harm
other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim,
or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us
want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have
the right to the possessions
of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or
services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest
of us get together and lock you away in a place where you
still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a
life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have
the right to demand that our
children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your
aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and
won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if
you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire
world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling
each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the
right to a job. All of us
sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along
in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the
right to happiness. Being
an American means that you have the right to PURSUE
happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are
unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created
by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights."
If you agree, share this with
a friend. No, you don't
have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't.
I just think it is about time common sense is allowed to
flourish - call it the age of reason revisited.
The Bill of No Rights was written
by Lewis Napper in 2000
and not by Mitchell Kaye as verified by Snopes.com at
Subj: Short National Jokes
Subj: Chads by Dr. Seuss: (S199)
From: TAdams on 11/22/2000
I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card by card
I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.
Subj: Number Of Words (S183)
From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
(Also see 'Number Of Words' in FACTS3)
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale
of cabbage: 26,911 words.
Subj: Six Presidents On A Sinking Boat (S146)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/19/1999
Six Presidents were on a sinking boat.
Ford says, "What do we do?"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What life boats?"
Carter says, "Women first..."
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"
Subj: I Love My Country (S451)
From: Anon Jr. on 9/10/2005
Source: (Removed from northernsun.com)
Subj: What Flag Is This? (S122)
From: mbucher on 5/20/99
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an
encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She
pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, That's
the flag of our country."
"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of
our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
Subj: Government Controls (S116)
From: Tom_Adams on 4/6/99
"...[list shortened for brevity] the air we breathe, the
water we drink, whether we ought to be permitted to buy a
firearm, what medical care we oughta receive, the fuel
economy of our vehicles, whether we should wear seat belts,
what our children are taught, what they eat for lunch, what
TV shows are too violent for them to watch, and now, even
what traffic reports we oughta listen to. [long pause]
Wouldn't the founding fathers tell us that rebellion, like
charity, should begin at home?"
-- C.S. Coldwell
We, fellow citizens, do not have
the autonomy that the US
president, Felonious Maximus, seeks for the residents of
Subj: Money (S179)
From: auntieg on 98-05-09
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
On an American one-dollar bill,
there is an owl in the
upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield"
and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
On a Canadian two dollar bill,
the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
Who was the only real person
who ended up as a Pez head?
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
The longest place-name still
in use is:
gahoronukupokai wenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Percentage of American men who
say they would marry
the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry
the same man: 50%
From: FrankRoesc on 5/7/99 (S118)
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford
Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
From: FrankRoesc on 5/10/99
*The name of all the continents end with the same letter
that they start with.
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99 (S123)
A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order
will lose both, and deserve neither. -- Thomas Jefferson --
From: smiles on 98-10-01
"I cannot live without books." -- Thomas Jefferson
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/28/2001 (S248)
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power." -- Abraham Lincoln
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/18/2002 (S264)
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years. -- Abraham Lincoln
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/17/2002
"It's better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool
than to open it and resolve all doubt." -- Abraham Lincoln
Also see 'Quotes By Abe Lincoln' in Thoughts-learned-SUPP
From: dogbyte on 11/16/2001 (S250)
The world really isn't
any worse than before.
It's just that the news
coverage is so much better!
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/24/2002 (S260)
"To give up the task of reforming society is to give up
one's responsibility as a free man." -- Alan Paton
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/7/2002 (S275c)
If passion drives, let reason hold the reins.
-- Benjamin Franklin
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/19/2002 (S277b)
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted
all the other alternatives. -- Abba Eban (1915-)
From: KMACINTY on 12/6/2000 (S201)
Q: What is the difference between Al Gore and a litter of puppies?
A: After a few weeks the puppies open their eyes and quit whining.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/2/2002 (S266c)
Q: Did you know that ENRON is just a shorthand name
for the company?
A: The full name is: "TAKE THE MONEY ENRON."