National Or World Jokes2
(Includes 30 jokes and articles, 15 1096,8,cL3f,wYT2b7a,5)
Subj: Joe Friday Lectures Youth (S978)
From: Bud Hathaway in 2015 (d-On Site)
Source: (Removed from facebook.com/disturbreality/videos)
.......Click 'HERE' to see Joe Friday on the TV show Dragnet
.......lectures youth on why he is lucky to live in America.
My Beautiful America
in 2006 (S503b,d-On Site,SWF)
This video is a wonderful tribute
to the beauty of the
U.S.A. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Presidential Affairs (S473)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/1/2006
1. Which president smoked marijuana
with a nude playgirl
while he joked about being too wasted to "push the
button" in case of nuclear attack??
2. Which president allegedly
had affairs with both a
winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant??
3. Which president had sex with
one of his secretaries
stretched outatop a desk in the oval office??
4. Which president allegedly
had an affair (as well
as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister??
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"??
6. Which president married a
woman who hadn't
yet divorced her first husband, and was branded
an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign??
7. Which future president wrote
love letters to his
neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else??
8. Which president had a torrid
affair with the
First Lady's personal secretary??
9. Which president had sex with
a young woman in a
White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret
service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from
10. Which president had sex in a closet
while telling his
partner about the other president who did the same in
11. Which Vice-President was ticked
off because he
felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more
"impressive" (i.e.numerous) than the President's??
12. Which future president, while a
enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo??
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson
Subj: US Citizenship Test (S507b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/5/2006
Can you pass the test to become
a US Citizen? Here is an
excerpt from the test for citizenship--- to test your
citizenship worthiness. Good luck! The answers are listed
at the end of the email .....
1. What do the stripes on the
a) They represent the 13 original colonies
b) They represent each of the people who
signed the Declaration of Independence
c) They represent the battles fought for
United States independence
2. How many changes or amendments
there to the Constitution?
3. What are the three branches
of our government?
a) Legislative, executive, and judicial
b) Legislative, parliamentary, judicial
c) Executive, legislative, parliamentary
4. What did the Emancipation
a) It ordered that Pilgrims be freed from British
b) It ordered that slaves in rebel territory be freed
c) It allowed citizens of the United States to claim land
5. Who becomes president of
the United States
if the president and the vice president should die?
a) The secretary of state
b) The attorney general
c) The Speaker of the House of Representatives
6. Which countries were our
principal allies during
World War II?
a) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia,
New Zealand, Russia, Italy, France
b) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia,
New Zealand, Italy, China, France
c) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia,
New Zealand, Russia, China, France
7. What is the 49th state of
the Union (United States)?
c) New Mexico
8. How many Supreme Court justices
9. What is the national anthem
of the United States?
a) "America the Beautiful"
b) "This Land is Your Land"
c) "The Star-Spangled Banner"
10. In what year was the Constitution
11. What is the name of the ship
that brought the
Pilgrims to America?
Answer Key: 1) a, 2) c, 3) a,
4) b, 5) c,
6) c, 7) a, 8) a, 9) c, 10) c, 11) b
From Sea To Shining Sea
..........in 2006 (S493c,d)
A SWF video tribute to the United States. Click 'HERE' to view.
Subj: You Know You Work For The Government If... (S468)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/10/2006
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
Your biggest loss from a system
crash is you lose your
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Computer specialists know less
about computers than
Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
Management thinks a business
trip with uncompensated
mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
Although you have a telephone,
pager, E-mail, FAX, company
distribution, Fed-X, US mail and coworkers sitting right
on the other side of the partition...communication is a
You know, and everyone that works
with you knows, your
performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest
level on the documented performance rating.
You work 200 hours for the $100
bonus check and jubilantly
say "Oh wow, thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
When workers screw up they are
transferred to another office
to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they
Your boss' favorite lines are
"when you get a few minutes,"
"in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an
opportunity for you."
Training is something spoken about but never seen.
Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
The worst possible reputation
comes from being the initiator
of a complaint.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
Subj: An Ode To America (S493b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/4/2006
Subject: Editorial from a Romanian newspaper; An ode to America
Why are Americans so united?
They don't resemble one another
even if you paint them! They speak all the languages of the
world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations. Some
of them are nearly extinct, others are incompatible with one
another, and in matters of religious beliefs, not even God can
count how many they are.
Still, the American tragedy turned
three hundred million people
into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White
House, the army, the secret services that they are only a bunch
of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody
rushed on the streets nearby to gape about. The Americans
volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic,
they raised the flag on the
smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors
of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars
as if in every place and on every car a minister or the president
was passing. On every occasion they started singing their
traditional song: "God Bless America!".
Silent as a rock, I watched the
charity concert broadcast on
Saturday once, twice, three times, on different TV channels.
There were Clint Eastwood, Willie Nelson, Robert de Niro, Julia
Roberts, Cassius Clay, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen,
Silvester Stalone, James Wood, and many others whom no film or
producers could ever bring together.
The American's solidarity spirit
turned them into a choir.
Actually, choir is not the word. What you could hear was the
heavy artillery of the American soul. What neither George W.
Bush, nor Bill Clinton, nor Colin Powell could say without
facing the risk of stumbling over words and sounds, was being
heard in a great and unmistakable way in this charity concert.
I don't know how it happened that all this obsessive singing
of America didn't sound croaky, nationalist, or ostentatious!
It made you green with envy because you weren't able to sing
for your country without running the risk of being considered
chauvinist, ridiculous, or suspected of who-knows-what mean
interests. I watched the live broadcast and the rerun of its
rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went
down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without
knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who
fought with the terrorists and prevented the plane from
hitting a target that would have killed other hundreds or
thousands of people.
How on earth were they able to
bow before a fellow human?
Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory
of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And
with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars
were put in a collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a
family, but a spirit which nothing can buy. What on earth
can unite the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their
galloping history? Their economic power? Money?
I tried for hours to find an
answer, humming songs and
murmuring phrases which risk of sounding like commonplaces.
I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion.
Only freedom can work such miracles.
This article is true based on
Independence Day Quiz (S466, S744)
From: igiggle in 2005
Take this quiz and see how informed
you are. Some of the
same questions appear on the United States' Naturalization
test for immigrants.
Subj: The U.S.A. In The Year 1904 (S420)
From: ICohen on 1/27/2005
Maybe this will boggle your mind,
I know it did mine! The
year is 1904 one hundred years ago. What a difference a
century makes! Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8%of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00
There were only 8,000 cars in
the US, and only 144 miles
of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and
Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could
expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety % of all US physicians
had no college education. Instead,
they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in
the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their
hair once a month, and used borax
or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting
poor people from entering the
country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death
in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't
read or write. Only 6 % of all
Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine
were all available over the
counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist,
"Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect
guardian of health." (Shocking!)
Eighteen percent of households
in the US had at least one
full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US
And I forwarded this from someone
else without typing it myself,
and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what
it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Subj: Congresswoman Flies To Rhino, New York (S418)
From: drgolfmd on 1/28/2005
A New Mexico Congresswoman called
to make reservations, "I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words
Finally, the agent said,
"Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent
came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and
can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't
be silly! Everyone knows where
it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the
state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S1096)
By Wiley Miller on 1/15/2018
Subj: Peace Plan by Robin Williams (S327b)
From: szalay on 4/30/2003
Leave it to Robin Williams to
come up with the perfect plan.
What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with his logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling
for peace but I have not
heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference"
in their affairs, past and present. We will promise never to
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world,
starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines.
They don't want us there. We would station troops at our
borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs
together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home.
After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and
deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.
France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and
limited to 90 day visits unless given a special permit.
No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If
you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide
here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We
don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the
bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D"
and it's back home, baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self
sufficient energy wise. This will include developing
non polluting sources of energy but will require a
temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The
caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries
$10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we
go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in
the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to
Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever
they need. Besides, most of what we give them gets
"lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need
it most get very little, anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We
don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.
Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup
for illegal aliens. And the best part is, look at all
the New York parking spaces and apartments that will be
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school.
That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
Now, ain't that a winner of a
plan. "The Statue of Liberty
is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your tired, your
huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's
yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" - Robin
Subj: Robin William's Peace Plan Is A Hoax (S328)
From: tnkr in 2003
My apologies, the Robin William's
piece is a hoax. See the
attached web site for details.
Becky, thank you for catching
my error. I should have spotted
it as a possible Urban Legend and checked my article at
Subj: British Mirror On September 11 (S300)
From: RFSlick on 11/9/2002
For those of you who aren't familiar
with the DAILY MIRROR,
it is a notoriously anti-American daily publication in the
United Kingdom. Tony Parsons, the author of the following
article written one year after 9/11, has been a steady critic
of US policy on many political and economic issues over the
The following is a sharp departure from his normal writings.
You American-Hating Liberals"
September 11, 2002
One year ago, the world witnessed
a unique kind of broad-
casting -- the mass murder of thousands -- live on TV. As
a lesson in the pitiless cruelty of the human race, September
11 was up there with Pol Pot's mountain of skulls in Cambodia,
or the skeletal bodies stacked like garbage in the Nazi
concentration camps. An unspeakable act so cruel, so
calculated and so utterly merciless that surely the world
could agree on one thing -- nobody deserves this fate.
Surely there could be consensus:
the victims were truly
innocent, the perpetrators truly evil. But to the world's
eternal shame, 9/11 is increasingly seen as America's
comeuppance. Incredibly, anti-Americanism has increased
over the last year.
There has always been a simmering
resentment to the USA in
this country -- to loud, too rich, too full of themselves
and so much happier than Europeans -- but it has become an
epidemic. And it seems incredible to me. More than that,
it turns my stomach. America is this country's greatest
friend and our staunchest ally. We are bonded to the US
by culture, language and blood.
A little over half a century
ago, around half a million
Americans died for our freedoms, as well as their own.
Have we forgotten so soon? And exactly a year ago,
thousands of ordinary men, women and children -- not
just Americans, but from dozens of countries, were
butchered by a small group of religious fanatics. Are we
so quick to betray our allies? What touched the heart
about those who died in the Twin Towers and on the planes
was that we recognized them. Young fathers and mothers,
somebody's son and somebody's daughter, husbands and wives,
and children, some unborn. And these people brought it on
themselves? And their nation is to blame for their
meticulously planned slaughter?
These days you don't have to
be some dust-encrusted nut
job in Kabul or Karachi or Finsbury Park to see America
as the Great Satan. The anti-American alliance is made up
of self-loathing liberals who blame the Americans for
every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering
from power-envy, bitter that the world's only superpower
can do what it likes without having to ask permission.
The truth is that America has
behaved with ENORMOUS
restraint since September 11th. Remember, remember,
remember the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping men
phoning their wives to say "I love you," before they were
burned alive. Remember those people leaping to their
deaths from the top of burning skyscrapers and those who
knew the plane they were on was going to crash. Remember
the hundreds of firemen buried alive. Remember the smiling
face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of the
planes with her mum. Remember, remember -- and realize
that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like
the way it could have.
So a few al-Qaeda tourists got
locked without a trial in
Camp X-ray? Oh, please pass the Kleenex. So some Afghan
wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired
their semi-automatics into a sky full of American planes?
A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti.
AMERICA could have turned a large
chunk of the world into
a parking lot. That it didn't is a sign of strength.
American voices are already being raised against attacking
Iraq -- that's what a democracy is for. How many in the
Islamic world will have a minute's silence for the
slaughtered innocents of 9/11? More so, how many Islamic
leaders will have the guts to say that the mass murder of
9/11 was an abomination? We have never heard a statement
from them. When will we ever hear their outrage? When
will we hear their stance?
When the news of 9/11 broke on
the West Bank, those freedom-
loving Palestinians were dancing in the street. America
watched all of that -- and didn't push the button. We
should thank the stars that America is the most powerful
nation in the world. I still find it incredible that 9/11
did not provoke all-out war. Not a "war on terrorism." A
The fundamentalist dudes are
talking about opening the
gates of Hell if America attacks Iraq. Well, America
could have opened the gates of Hell like you wouldn't
believe. The US is the most militarily powerful nation
that ever strode the face of the earth.
The campaign in Afghanistan may
have been less than perfect
and the planned war on Iraq may be misconceived. But don't
blame America for not bringing peace and light to these
wretched countries. How many democracies are there in the
Middle East, or in the Muslim world? You can count them on
the fingers of one hand -- assuming you haven't had any
chopped off for a minor shoplifting offense.
I love America, yet America is
hated. I guess that makes
me Bush's poodle. But I would rather be a dog in New York
City than a Prince in Riyadh. Above all, America is hated
because it is what every country wants to be: rich, free,
strong, open, optimistic. Not ground down by the past, or
religion, or some caste system. America is the best friend
the UK has ever had and we should start remembering that.
Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil?
Tell it to the loved ones of
the men and women who leaped
to their death from the burning towers. Tell it to the
nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked
planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper.
And tell it to the hundreds of young widows whose husbands
worked for the New York Fire Department.
Remember, remember, remember
9/11. One of the greatest
atrocities in human history was committed. No, do more
than remember. Never forget.
September 11, 2002
Subj: Short National Jokes
Theodore Roosevelt On Immigrants
............And Being An AMERICAN (S467)
From: darrell94590 on 12/29/2005
Subj: The Constitution (by Jay Leno) (S373b)
From: Imogenelumen on 3/18/2004
"As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a
constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours?
Think about it - - - it was written by very smart people,
it's served us well for over two hundred years...........
and besides, we're not using it anymore.
Subj: The Wooden Statue Eagle-USA (S369)
From: Potty Puzzles in 2004
It costs 30 francs and can be
ordered over the internet.
Subj: A Billion In Perspective... (S326, S569c)
From: woneye on 4/27/2003
and From: AFine963 on 12/14/2007
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend so here are
some perspectives to help you relate ...
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive
A billion hours ago our ancestors
in the Stone Age.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate Washington spends it.
Happy President's Day (S367)
From: igiggle in 2004
Subj: Free Market Vs Canadian Drugs (362b)
From: JOELFALLON on 1/1/2004
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim
it's a free market.
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor
and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes
and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts
made in Bangladesh.
We can purchase almost anything we want from many different
countries, BUT heaven help the elderly who dare to buy
their prescription drugs from a Canadian or Mexican
pharmacy. That's called un-American!
And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a
powerful lobby? Think again!
Subj: US Flag Of Flowers (S320)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/21/2003
See it on my web site by clicking 'Here'.
Between the field where the flag
is planted there are 9+
miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean.
The flowers are grown by seed companies. It's a beautiful
place close to Vandenberg AFB. Checkout the dimensions of
The 2002 Floral Flag is 740 feet
long and 390 feet wide
and maintains the proper Flag dimensions as described in
Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is
the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars
comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in
diameter; Each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is
estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants
with 4-5 flower stems each for a total of more than 2
million flowers. You can drive by this flag on V Street
south of Ocean Ave. in Lompoc, CA 2 1/2 hours north of
Aerial photo courtesy of Bill
Subj: What Americans Don't Know (S304)
From: jerry on 11/24/2002
The National Geographic Society's recent international
survey of 18-24 year-olds found the following:
11% of Americans could not locate
the United States
on a world map.
29% of Americans could not point out the Pacific Ocean.
Only 58% of Americans knew that
the Taliban and
al-Qaeda were based in Afghanistan.
Only 30% of Americans could find New Jersey on the map.
But 34% of American knew that
the TV show "Survivor"
was filmed in the Marquesas Islands although we suspect
that they don't know where it's located.
Subj: Israeli Travel Tips (S302)
From: jerry on 11/13/2002
Alon Stivi, an Israeli commando turned security consultant,
and victim of an ambush in Beirut, had given The Wall Street
Journal the following tips for travelers:
Always book a plane seat near
the emergency exit and never
on the aisle. He says rescue attempts on the tarmac are
initiated from the front or back so gunfire is directed along
Always pick the second floor
of a hotel, which is too high
for a window break-in but low enough to jump for safety in
the event of a fire.
In a hostage situation, humanize
yourself by asking for
water or a blanket, for example. But don't get too friendly
because "When captors need a human shield, they'll often
pick someone they're comfortable with."
Michael Kesterton column in the
Globe and Mail (Toronto)
From: woneye on 8/27/2003 (S344b)
For every action, there is an equal and
opposite government program.
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/25/2003 (S352b)
Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to
complex intelligent behavior. Complex rules and
regulations give rise to simple stupid behavior.
From: igiggle on 4/21/2004 (S378b)
It's becoming more and more difficult to support the
government in the style to which it has become accustomed.
From: igiggle on 12/15/2005 (S464b
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want
and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the
government what they want - and their kids pay for it.
-- Richard Lamm, former governor of Colorado.
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/30/2006 (S470b)
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to
decadence without civilization in between."
-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/9/2006
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez
From: flovilla on 1/23/2006 (S471c)
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace