Subj: Phone Jokes
(Includes 39 jokes and articles, 28 1102n,16,cL3f,wYT3a5b,9)
Pay Phone from
Also see BAR2 file
With Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar' (fax)
BAR-SUPP - 'Stare At Your Phone' - Sign
BIRDS file - 'Rubes Cartoon'
BLONDE file - 'Two Sisters Buy A Bull'
.........BUTLER-MAID - 'The New Maid'
.........CHURCH file - 'The Golden Telephone To Heaven'
COMPUTER4 - 'Signs That You Are In The 21st Century'
.........CONTRACTOR - 'Irish Girl Calls Demolition Company'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Telephone Relay Night Watchman Dies'
DATING3 file - 'Getting Girls Phone Numbers In England'
......................- 'Candorville Comic Strip'
DOG1 file - 'Two Dogs Stuck Mating'
FACTS2 file - 'Answering The Phone Nude'
......................- 'Phone Won't Stop Ringing?'
......................- 'Mom Dials Cops For Daughter'
FAIRYTALE-SUP- 'Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip'
FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates And Farting' (phone and fax)
.........FOOD-SUPP - 'Jimmy Dean Sausage Phone Call'
FOOD-SUPP2 - 'Zits Comic Strip' - Drying Cell Phones
FROG file - 'Frog Phones Pyschic Hotline'
.........GOD2 file - 'God's Voice Mail'
HEAD-ADS-SUPP- 'ADG Alarm Company' - Video
HOSPITAL2 - 'Sarah Finkel's Hospital Condition'
HOTEL file - 'Hotel Guest Phones For Sex'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Best Out Of Office Auto Replies'
.........KIDS2 file - 'Boss Talks To Child'
LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer And His Adulterous Wife'
MANNERS/ADVIC- 'Dear Abby On Cell Phones And Texting' - Article
MARRIAGE3 - 'The Perfect Husband'
......................- 'The Perfect Husband II' - Video
MATH1 file - '911 Math' - Video
MATH4-SUPP - 'PUZZLE - Phone Number Calculation'
MIDDLE EAST - 'Hussein Calls Bush'
MOTHER-SUPP - 'Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip'
NEW YORKER - 'New Yorkers And Their Cell Phones'
POPE file - 'The Pope And A Call From God'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Three Nationalities In A Sauna' (fax)
RELIGION1 - 'Cell Phone Vs. The Bible'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'What Book Riddle'
SCHOOL3 file - 'Palisades High School Answering Machine'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Teacher-Pupil Joke3'
SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists f/Three Countries Dig'
SEX1 file - 'Verizon Text Message'
......................- 'Guide To Safe Fax'
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'New Colonel's First Day'
WordJoke1 - 'The First Human Clone'
Subj: Lilly Tomlin As Ernestine (S1011d-iFrame)
From: Gary Stranger on Facebook on 5/26/2016
.......Click 'HERE' to see Ernestine calls General Motors.
Subj: Using A Highway Rest Stop (S276, S526b)
From: kmacinty on 5/17/2002
and From: BennoRo on 2/18/2007
I left Montreal heading toward
Quebec City, when I decided
to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied,
so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than
I heard a voice from thenext stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat
with strangers in highway
comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what
possessed me, but I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not
Next the stranger said: "And,
what are you up to?" Talk
about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to
think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like
you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger say,
"Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the
questions I'm asking you."
Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call
Posted by BBC (S892d-iFrame)
Photo from YouTube.com
Grandad has fallen asleep sitting
on Hilary's mobile phone.
When Hilary hears her phone ringing, she has no choice but
to take the call from Grandad's lap. Click 'HERE' to see
this video clip from Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas Specials
Subj: Phone Hog (S229)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/7/2001
Mrs. Smith was in the habit of
having long conversations on
the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she
hung up after 25 minutes.
"What is the matter today?",
asked her husband. "Today you
had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.
Subj: Veterinarian Gets Phone Call At 2:00 AM (S130)
From: RFSlick on 7/26/99
(See "Two Dogs Stuck Mating" in Dog1)
A veterinarian surgeon had had
a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning,
the phone rang. "Is this the
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly
lady, "there's a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath
from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted
on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S622c)
by Dan Piraro on 12/13/2008
Subj: Blonde Gets A Cell Phone (S364b)
From: Imogenelumen on 1/20/2004
A young man wanted to get his
beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone
and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited
to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to
her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi
Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie
replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
Subj: Wife Seeks Gypsie Healer (S138, S426b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/19/1999
A caravan of gypsies arrived
in a small town in Kansas. A
local lady heard about this band of mystics and decided to
see if a particular miracle worker tagged along with them.
Asking around for this healer, she found herself inside a
tent. "Are You Bernardo the Miracle Man?" she asked the old
"Yes, I am," he replied, pleased
to find someone interested
in his services.
"Is it true that you clasped
the ears of a deaf man and gave
him the ability to hear?"
"Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.
"Is it true that you brushed
your fingers against the eyelids
of a blind man and gave him the ability to see?"
"Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo.
At this point she went outside
of the tent and rolled in her
husband who sat in a wheelchair looking lifeless. "Well then,
do you think you could help my husband?"
"I can try," Bernardo said. "Is he paralyzed?"
"Even worse," she replied. "He works for the phone company."
National Do NOT Call Registry (S332, S609)
From: gibbz on 6/7/2003
National Do NOT Call Registry
Register your home phone and
cell phones at the "National
Do NOT Call Registry" at the above source to prevent
telemarketers from having access to your numbers.
It will only take a minute of
your time to blocks your
numbers for five (5) years. You can call 888-382-1222 to
block you cell phone number. You cannot call from a
different phone number to block a cell phone number.
This National Registry was verified
by Snopes.com at
Subj: Elderly Lady's Phone Wouldn't Ring (S388, S773)
From: Ptm1225 on 6/21/2004
and From: virv on 11/6/2011
An elderly lady phoned her telephone
company to report that
her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and
that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog
always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby
telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but
then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire
via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 9 volts of signaling current when
the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems
CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Subj: Ordering A Pizza By Phone (S363b)
From: RFSlick on 1/6/2004
A Pizza By Phone II' in PHONE-SUPP
and 'FBI Orders Pizza' in POLICE1)
ARE WE COMING TO THIS or ARE WE ALREADY THERE?
Operator: "Thank you for calling
Pizza Hut . May I have
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi
purpose card number
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr.
Sheehan and you're calling
from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is
494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile
is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have the
delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system, Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your
medical records, you have
high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Soybean
Yogurt Pizza. You'll
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book
entitled "Popular Soybean
Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last
Customer: "OK I give up... Give
me three family sized
ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator: "That should be enough
for your family of 10,
Sir. The total is $49.99.
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have
to pay us cash, Sir. Your
credit card is over the limit and you're owing
your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
Operator: "That's not including
the late payment charges
on your housing loan Sir.
Customer: "I guess I have to
run to the neighborhood ATM
and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator: "You can't do that
Sir. Based on the records,
you've reached your daily limit on machine
Customer: "Never mind just send
the pizzas, I'll have the
cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir,
but if you can't wait
you can always come and collect it on your
Customer: " What the..?"
Operator: "According to the details
in system, you own
a Harley,...registration number E1123..."
Operator: "Better watch your
language Sir. Remember on
July15, 1987 you were convicted of using
abusive language to a policeman.
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the
way... aren't you giving
me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would
Sir, but based on your records
you're also diabetic....... " !!!!
Subj: Hands-Free Cell Phones (S355, S595b)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/20/2003
and From: cappucinid on 6/17/2008
I don't know if you've heard,
but starting July 1, 2008 (in
the US) you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while
driving unless you have a "hands free" adapter. I went to
Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a boom
microphone for my cell phone. I have come up with an
alternative, working through Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with
any mobile phone and one size
fits all. I paid $0.08 each because I bought in quantity.
I'm selling them for $1.00. I tried them out on Erickson,
Motorola, ? Nokia Sprint PCS phones and they worked perfectly.
at the photo
to the right
let me know
Subj: Eliminating Speakerphones At Work (S323)
From: jerry on 4/1/2003
Have you ever worked in an office
where someone insisted
upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone
(at full volume, naturally)?
It can really begin to bother
you after a while. However,
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have a
young lady call his desk when he's not there and leave a
message like this: "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.
You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty
boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you,
It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone.
Taken verbatim from the Dear
Webby Humor Ezine at
Subj: If Your Phone Number Is In The Book (S322b)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/28/2003
Go to www.google.com then type
in your phone number in the
Search field (entering your full telephone number separated
by dashes i.e. 404-555-0000). If your phone number is listed
it will show your name and address and give you two map
options, Yahoo and MapQuest.
See how accurate the map is linked
to your phone number.
There is a new feature that makes it possible to type a
telephone number into Google's search bar, click the search
button, and have a MapQuest page returned as a result.
Any person wishing to discover
the physical location of a
phone number, be it a home or business address, could use
this feature to locate a physical street address, and
receive explicit directions on how to get there from any-
where in the country. One positive use of this feature
could be to determine the location of, say, a party for
whom you may only have a telephone number. On a negative
note, this feature could also be used by an angry party
to find out where you live.
Google has made available an
option that will allow anyone
to remove their telephone number from the database that is
linked to the mapping feature. You will first need to check
if your number is listed in this manner by attempting a
search - entering your full telephone number separated by
dashes (e. g., 404-555-0000). If the number appears in the
mapping database, an icon resembling a telephone will appear
next to the first or second entry on the results page.
Clicking on this icon will take
you to a page containing a
description of the service,and a link to request your number
be removed from the database.
Subj: Cute Cell Phone Cartoon (S423)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/1/2005
Subj: Suing Telemarketers (S279)
From: jerry on 6/4/2002
Kudos to Joe Shields of Houston,
Texas, for winning a
lawsuit against Lone Star Utility Savers, Inc., a
telemarketing company which Judge Gary Michael Block
has now ordered that the owner henceforth must leave
his own home telephone number on all recorded messages
played to frustrated recipients so they can call him
at his home and complain to him.
The judge also ordered the company
to stop calling
people without their explicit consent and to pay
Shield's legal fees. To date Shield has won nearly
$100,000 in judgments and settlements against
Houston Chronicle 11-May-02
Subj: The Difference Between Anger And Exasperation
From: KMacinty on 6/8/99 (S125b, S322)
A young girl asked her father,
dad, what's the difference
between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly
a matter of degree. Let
me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the
telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who
answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no
one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his
daughter. "That man was not a
bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed him. Now watch . . . " The father
dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked
"Now look here!" came the heated
reply. "You just called
this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here!
You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver
slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter
and said, "You see, that
was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and
when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for me?"
Subj: Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S1047)
By Wiley Miller on 1/29/2017
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute Sunday comic strip.
Subj: The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord
From: humorlist-digest V2 #88 on 98-04-10
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and
the Pope are in a meeting in
Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side
table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the
Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he
is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy
discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want
to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses,
but the Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on
the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands
over a packet of bills. A few
months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.
In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to
his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an
urgent matter that requires
divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope
chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for
the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to
accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi
relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
Real Answering Machine Messages...
From: humorlist-digest V2 #12 on 98-01-13
Photo from PaulDavidson.net
This set of wonderful answering
maching messages is so large
it needs to be a seperate file. Click 'HERE' to read them.
|Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
Click 'HERE' to read this supplemental file.
Subj: Answering Machine At Mental Hospital (S287)
From: KMACINTY on 7/30/2002
(Also see "Mental Health Hotline" below)
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please
ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press
7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen
carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the
pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8
and state your name,
address, telephone number,date of birth, social
security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress
? c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder,
please leave a message
after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-
term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem,
please hang up. All
operators are too busy to talk to you."
If you are menopausal, hang up,
turn on the fan, lay
down ? cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press
any buttons, you'll just
mess it up.
Mental Health Hotline (S763d-iFrame)
From: allenbergman on 8/23/2011
(Also see "Psychiatric
Office Answering Machine" in Psych-Supp
and "Answering Machine At Mental Hospital" above)
Click 'HERE' to see this cute fifty-three second video.
Subj: Pearls Before Swine (S1063)
By Stephan Pastis on 5/27/2017
Subj: Short Phone Jokes
Subj: Palisades High School Answering Machine
From: jtgalvan (S471d-On Site)
on 1/23/2006 (in School3)
Listen to and read about the fictional answering
Cell Phone Holder (S467b)
From: grs on 12/29/2005
A Phone Call To Grandpa
From: darrell in 2005
Caller IQ Box (S453b)
..........From: LABLaughsClean on 9/27/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Cell Phone Call From Texas
From: tnkr (in Movies)
on 9/17/05 (S452b,d-On Site)
You can listen to the very funny
radio show by clicking
"... Wife Called" (S452d-iFrame)
From: darrell94590 on 9/13/2005
Subj: Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers (S436b)
From: RFSlick of 6/1/2005
Finally....a worthwhile bit of advice:
Andy Rooney's tips for Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are:
"Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking
off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear
the phone company's "beep-
beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang
up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will
help eliminate telephone
Subj: Abundance Of Cell Phones (S353)
From: woneye on 11/4/2003
I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is
those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't
afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
Subj: You Won't Believe This Phone Bill (S320b)
From: BennoRo on 3/14/2003
Source: Cathryn Conroy, CompuServe News Editor
There's no avoiding taxes and death--and apparently phone
bills. David Towles, who passed on to his great reward
in December 1997 at the age of 60, received a Sprint phone
bill last week. For 12 cents. For a call he made (supposedly)
on February 16, five years after he died! Sprint did a good
job of tracking him down to try to get their 12 cents. The
address was right: Hillside Cemetery, Evergreen Section,
Auburn, Mass. 01501.
Cemetery Superintendent Wayne
Bloomquist told The Associated
Press, "Our clients here don't usually get mail. Maybe we
should start putting mailboxes on the monuments." Now there's
another problem. Because Towles hasn't paid the bill yet,
he's been hit with late charges. He now owes $3.95, reports
AP. The bill has been turned over to the Auburn town clerk.
Subj: Large Phone Bill (S263c)
From: jerry on 2/12/2002
Telecom, a telephone company in New Zealand, sent a
customer a phone bill with an extra $300 charge for
being "an arrogant bastard."
The company says they have started
to determine which, of their 1,500 customer service
people, are responsible for this.
New Zealand Press Association
via stuff.co.nz (13-Feb-02)
Subj: Romanian Phone Sex (S263c)
From: jerry on 2/13/2002
A Romanian man who fell asleep while listening to a
telephone sex line, running up a bill of about $1,400,
equivalent to a year's pay in Romania.
He says he won't pay because
the line was boring. He
faces jail if he refuses to pay.
In 1900 only 8 percent of the
homes had a telephone. A three-
minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There are more collect calls
on this day than any other day
of the year. Father's Day
AT?T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying
he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's
The international telphone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
From: JOELFALLON on 98-12-04
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is.
So you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2001
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson
From: Anon Jr. on 6/1/2004 (S383 -
in Middle East)
Q: Why are long distance calls in Persia so expensive?
A: Why, because they are Persian to Persian.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005
Q: There are more collect calls on this day than
any other day of the year?
A: Father's Day
............................Phone from Smiley_Central.