Subj: Phone Jokes (Gz-m3)
(Includes 37 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Phone-Supp
Pay Phone from
Animation Factory
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Subj: Phone Jokes (Gz-m3) (Includes 37 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Phone-Supp |
|
Pay Phone from Animation Factory |
Also see BAR2 file
- 'Man
With Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar' (fax)
BLONDE file - 'Two
Sisters Buy A Bull'
.........BUTLER-MAID
- 'The New Maid'
.........CHURCH
file - 'The
Golden Telephone To Heaven'
COMPUTER4 - 'Signs
That You Are In The 21st Century'
CONTRACTOR - 'Irish
Girl Calls Demolition Company'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Telephone
Relay Night Watchman Dies'
DATING3 file - 'Getting
Girls Phone Numbers In England'
FACTS2 file - 'Answering
The Phone Nude'
......................-
'Phone
Won't Stop Ringing?'
......................-
'Mom
Dials Cops For Daughter'
FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill
Gates And Farting' (phone & fax)
FOOD-SUPP - 'Jimmy
Dean Sausage Phone Call'
FROG file - 'Frog
Phones Pyschic Hotline'
GOD2 file - 'God's
Voice Mail'
HOSPITAL2 - 'Sarah
Finkel's Hospital Condition'
HOTEL file - 'Hotel
Guest Phones For Sex'
JOB-STUFF-SUP- 'Best
Out Of Office Auto Replies'
.........KIDS2
file - 'Boss
Talks To Child'
LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer
And His Adulterous Wife'
MARRIAGE3 - 'The
Perfect Husband' (Cell phone at the club)
MATH4-SUPP - 'PUZZLE
- Phone Number Calculation'
MIDDLE EAST - 'Hussein
Calls Bush'
NEW YORKER - 'New
Yorkers And Their Cell Phones'
POPE file - 'The
Pope And A Call From God'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Three
Nationalities In A Sauna' (fax)
RELIGION1 - 'Cell
Phone Vs. The Bible'
RIDDLE-SUPP - 'What
Book Riddle'
SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Teacher-Pupil
Joke3'
SCIENCE2 file- 'Archeologists
f/Three Countries Dig'
SEX1 file - 'Guide
To Safe Fax'
SOLDIER-SUPP - 'New
Colonel's First Day'
WordJoke1 - 'The
First Human Clone'
============================================================Top
Subj: Elderly
Lady's Phone Wouldn't Ring (S388)
From: Ptm1225 on 6/21/2004
An elderly lady phoned her telephone
company to report that
her telephone failed to ring
when her friends called - and
that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog
always moaned right before the
phone rang. The telephone
repairman proceeded to the scene,
curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly
lady. He climbed a nearby
telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The
phone didn't ring right away, but
then the dog moaned loudly and
the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole,
the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone
system's ground wire
via a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the
ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 9 volts
of signaling current when
the phone number
was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts,
the dog would start moaning
and then urinate
on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete
the circuit, thus causing
the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems
CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
\\\//
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Subj: Blonde
Gets A Cell Phone (S364b)
From: Imogenelumen on 1/20/2004
A young man wanted to get his
beautiful blonde wife, Susie,
something nice for their first
wedding anniversary. So he
decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone
and explained to her all of
its features. Susie was excited
to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to
her astonishment, it was her
husband on the other end. "Hi
Susie," he said, "how do you
like your new phone?" Susie
replied, "I just love it! It's
so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's
one thing I don't understand
though..."!
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
\\\//
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Subj: Ordering
A Pizza By Phone (S363b)
From: RFSlick on 1/6/2004
(See 'Ordering A Pizza By Phone II'
in PHONE-SUPP
and 'FBI Orders
Pizza' in POLICE1)
ARE WE COMING TO THIS or ARE WE ALREADY THERE?
Operator: "Thank you for calling
Pizza Hut . May I have
your order?"
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator: "Can I have your multi
purpose card number
first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on....6102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr.
Sheehan and you're calling
from 17 Meadow Drive. Your home number is
494 2366, your office 745 2302 and your mobile
is 014 266 2566. Would you like to have the
delivery made to 17 Meadow Drive?
Customer: "Yes, how did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system, Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your
medical records, you have
high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol
level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Soybean
Yogurt Pizza. You'll
like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book
entitled "Popular Soybean
Yogurt Dishes" from the National Library last
week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give
me three family sized
ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator: "That should be enough
for your family of 10,
Sir. The total is $49.99.
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have
to pay us cash, Sir. Your
credit card is over the limit and you're owing
your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
Operator: "That's not including
the late payment charges
on your housing loan Sir.
Customer: "I guess I have to
run to the neighborhood ATM
and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator: "You can't do that
Sir. Based on the records,
you've reached your daily limit on machine
withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send
the pizzas, I'll have the
cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir,
but if you can't wait
you can always come and collect it on your
motorcycle..."
Customer: " What the..?"
Operator: "According to the details
in system, you own
a Harley,...registration number E1123..."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#"
Operator: "Better watch your
language Sir. Remember on
July15, 1987 you were convicted of using
abusive language to a policeman.
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the
way... aren't you giving
me that 3 free bottles of Pepsi as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would
Sir, but based on your records
you're also diabetic....... " !!!!
\\\//
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Subj: Hands-Free
Cell Phones (S355, S595b)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/20/2003
and
From: cappucinid on 6/17/2008
I don't know if you've heard,
but starting July 1, 2008 (in
the US) you will no longer be
able to use a cell phone while
driving unless you have a "hands
free" adapter. I went to
Circuit City and they wanted
$50 for a headset with a boom
microphone for my cell phone.
I have come up with an
alternative, working through
Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with
any mobile phone and one size
fits all. I paid $0.08
each because I bought in quantity.
I'm selling them for $1.00.
I tried them out on Erickson,
Motorola, & Nokia Sprint
PCS phones and they worked perfectly.
|
at the photo to the right and let me know if you want one. Also, please
|
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Eliminating
Speakerphones At Work (S323)
From: jerry on 4/1/2003
Have you ever worked in an office
where someone insisted
upon listening to their voice
mail using the speakerphone
(at full volume, naturally)?
It can really begin to bother
you after a while. However,
I found a fairly easy fix for
that, though. I have a
young lady call his desk when
he's not there and leave a
message like this: "Hi,
this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.
You haven't paid for the 'toys'
we sent you, you naughty
boy. You wouldn't want me to
come over there and spank you,
would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone.
Taken verbatim from the Dear
Webby Humor Ezine at
http://webby.com/humor/index.html
\\\//
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Subj: If Your
Phone Number Is In The Book (S322b)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/28/2003
Go to www.google.com then type
in your phone number in the
Search field (entering your
full telephone number separated
by dashes i.e. 404-555-0000).
If your phone number is listed
it will show your name and address
and give you two map
options, Yahoo and MapQuest.
See how accurate the map is linked
to your phone number.
There is a new feature that
makes it possible to type a
telephone number into Google's
search bar, click the search
button, and have a MapQuest
page returned as a result.
Any person wishing to discover
the physical location of a
phone number, be it a home or
business address, could use
this feature to locate a physical
street address, and
receive explicit directions
on how to get there from any-
where in the country.
One positive use of this feature
could be to determine the location
of, say, a party for
whom you may only have a telephone
number. On a negative
note, this feature could also
be used by an angry party
to find out where you live.
Google has made available an
option that will allow anyone
to remove their telephone number
from the database that is
linked to the mapping feature.
You will first need to check
if your number is listed in
this manner by attempting a
search - entering your full
telephone number separated by
dashes (e. g., 404-555-0000).
If the number appears in the
mapping database, an icon resembling
a telephone will appear
next to the first or second
entry on the results page.
Clicking on this icon will take
you to a page containing a
description of the service,and
a link to request your number
be removed from the database.
\\\//
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Subj: Suing
Telemarketers (S279)
From: jerry on 6/4/2002
Kudos to Joe Shields of Houston,
Texas, for winning a
lawsuit against Lone Star Utility
Savers, Inc., a
telemarketing company which
Judge Gary Michael Block
has now ordered that the owner
henceforth must leave
his own home telephone number
on all recorded messages
played to frustrated recipients
so they can call him
at his home and complain to
him.
The judge also ordered the company
to stop calling
people without their explicit
consent and to pay
Shield's legal fees. To
date Shield has won nearly
$100,000 in judgments and settlements
against
telemarketers.
Houston Chronicle 11-May-02
\\\//
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Subj: Using
A Highway Rest Stop (S276, S526b)
From: kmacinty on 5/17/2002
and
From: BennoRo on 2/18/2007
I left Montreal heading toward
Quebec City, when I decided
to stop at a comfort station.
The first stall was occupied,
so I went into the second one.
I was no sooner seated than
I heard a voice from thenext
stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat
with strangers in highway
comfort stations, and I really
don't know quite what
possessed me, but I answered,
a little embarrassed: "Not
bad."
Next the stranger said: "And,
what are you up to?" Talk
about your dumb questions!
I was really beginning to
think this was too weird!
So I said: "Well, just like
you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger say,
"Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next
stall answering all the
questions I'm asking you."
\\\//
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Subj: Phone
Hog (S229)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/7/2001
Mrs. Smith was in the habit of
having long conversations on
the telephone, sometimes going
on over an hour. One day she
hung up after 25 minutes.
"What is the matter today?",
asked her husband. "Today you
had less than half an hour conversation
on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.
\\\//
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Subj: Wife
Seeks Gypsie Healer (S138, S426b)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 09/19/1999
A caravan of gypsies arrived
in a small town in Kansas. A
local lady heard about this
band of mystics and decided to
see if a particular miracle
worker tagged along with them.
Asking around for this healer,
she found herself inside a
tent. "Are You Bernardo
the Miracle Man?" she asked the old
man.
"Yes, I am," he replied, pleased
to find someone interested
in his services.
"Is it true that you clasped
the ears of a deaf man and gave
him the ability to hear?"
"Yes, it is true," said Bernardo.
"Is it true that you brushed
your fingers against the eyelids
of a blind man and gave him
the ability to see?"
"Yes, that is also true," said Bernardo.
At this point she went outside
of the tent and rolled in her
husband who sat in a wheelchair
looking lifeless. "Well then,
do you think you could help
my husband?"
"I can try," Bernardo said. "Is he paralyzed?"
"Even worse," she replied. "He works for the phone company."
\\\//
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Subj: Veterinarian
Gets Phone Call At 2:00 AM (S130)
From: RFSlick on 7/26/99
A veterinarian surgeon had had
a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the
sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a
romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks
and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning,
the phone rang. "Is this the
vet?" asked an elderly lady's
voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly
lady, "there's a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making
a terrible noise mating and I
can't get to sleep. What can
I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath
from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the
window and tell them they're wanted
on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
\\\//
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Subj: The
Difference Between Anger And Exasperation (S125b, S322)
From: KMacinty on 6/8/99
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/27/2003
A young girl asked her father,
dad, what's the difference
between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly
a matter of degree. Let
me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the
telephone an dialed a number
at random. To the man who
answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no
one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look
up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his
daughter. "That man was not a
bit happy with our call.
He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed him.
Now watch . . . " The father
dialed the number again.
"Hello, is Melvin there?" asked
the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated
reply. "You just called
this number and I told you that
there is no Melvin here!
You've got a lot of nerve calling
again!" The receiver
slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter
and said, "You see, that
was anger. Now I'll show
you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and
when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!" The father calmly
said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for
me?"
\\\//
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Subj: If You're
Having A Bad Day (S89, S574b)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-10-16 and 9/15/2003
and
From: darrellvip on 1/13/2008
This is great! You will get a kick out of this...
For all of us who occasionally
have a really bad day when
we just need to take it out
on someone!!! Don't take that
bad day out on someone you know,
take it out on someone
you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting
at my desk, when I remembered
a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed
it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick
Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?"
He rudely said NO!, and
hung up on me.
I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She
had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I
spotted the wrong number
still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're
a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote
the word "jackass," and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, I'd call him
up. He'd answer, and the
I'd yell, "You're a jackass!",
it would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company
introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment
for me, I would have to
stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard
his voice, "Hello." I
made up a name. "Hi. This is
the sales office of the
telephone company and I'm just
calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID
program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the
phone down. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's
because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to
tell you this story, is to
show you how if there's ever
anything really bothering
you, you can do something about
it.
Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really
took her time pulling out
of the parking space. I didn't
think she was ever going
to leave. Finally, her
car began to move and she started
to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up little
more to give her plenty of room
to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro
come flying up the
parking aisle in the wrong direction
and pulls into her
space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't
just do that, Buddy. I was here
first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me.
He walked toward the mall as
if he didn't even hear me. I
thought to myself, this guy's
a jackass, there sure a lot
of jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the
number. Then I hunted
for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at
home sitting at my desk. I
had just gotten off the phone
after calling 823-4863 and
yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's
really easy to call him
now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the
phone number of the guy with
the black Camaro lying on my
desk and thought I'd better
call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone
answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this
the man with the black Camaro
for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
street. It's a yellow house
and the car's parked right out
front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!"
I slammed the phone down. After
I hung up I added Don Hansen's
number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to
be going better for me. Now
when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call.
After several months of calling
the jackasses and hanging
up on them, it just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious
thought and came up with
a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass
#1. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's
a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don.
You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now
Jackass!" I hung up.
I picked up the phone and called
the police. I told them I was
at 1802 West 34th Street
and that I was going to kill
my gay lover as soon as he
got home.
Another quick call to Channel
13 about the gang war going
on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my
car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious! If you want
to watch two Jackasses kicking
the crap out of each other
in front of 6 squad cars and
a police helicopter, I taped
it off the evening news.
\\\//
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Subj: Information
Please (S70, S513b)
From: Tom_Adams on 98-06-04
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/21/2006
When I was quite young, my father
had one of the first
telephones in our neighborhood.
I remember well the
polished, old case fastened
to the wall. The shiny
receiver hung on the side of
the box. I was too little
to reach the telephone, but
used to listen with fasci-
nation when my mother used to
talk to it. Then I
discovered that somewhere inside
the wonderful device
lived an amazing person.
Her name was "Information
Please" and there was nothing
she did not know.
"Information Please" could supply
anybody's number and
the correct time. My first
personal experience with
this genie-in-the-bottle came
one day while my mother
was visiting a neighbor. Amusing
myself at the tool
bench in the basement, I whacked
my finger with a hammer.
The pain was terrible, but there
didn't seem to be any
reason in crying because there
was no one home to give
sympathy. I walked around
the house sucking my throbbing
finger, finally arriving at
the stairway. The telephone!
Quickly, I ran for the foot
stool in the parlor and
dragged it to the landing. Climbing
up, I unhooked the
receiver in the parlor and held
it to my ear. "Information
Please," I said into the mouthpiece
just above my head. A
click or two and a small clear
voice spoke into my ear,
"Information."
"I hurt my finger..." I wailed
into the phone. The tears
came readily enough now that
I had an audience. "Isn't
your mother home?" came the
question. "Nobody's home but
me," I blubbered. "Are
you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger
with the hammer and it
hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she
asked. I said I could.
"Then chip off a little piece
of ice and hold it to your
finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information
Please" for everything.
I asked her for help with my
geography and she told me where
Philadelphia was. She
helped me with my math. She
told me my pet chipmunk, that
I had caught in the park just
the day before, would eat
fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey,
our pet canary died. I
called "Information Please"
and told her the sad story.
She listened, then said the
usual things grown ups say
to soothe a child. But was unconsoled.
I asked her, "Why
is it that birds should sing
so beautifully and bring joy
to all families, only to end
up as a heap of feathers on
the bottom of a cage?"
She must have sensed my deep concern,
for she said quietly, "Paul,
always remember that there are
other worlds to sing in." Somehow
I felt better. Another
day I was on the telephone.
"Information Please."
"Information," said the now
familiar voice. "How do you
spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small
town in the Pacific
northwest. When I was
9 years old, we moved across the
country to Boston. I missed
my friend very much.
"Information Please" belonged
in that old wooden box back
home, and I somehow never thought
of trying the tall, shiny
new phone that sat on the table
in the hall. As I grew
into my teens, the memories
of those childhood conversations
never really left me.
Often, in moments of doubt and
perplexity I would recall the
serene sense of security I
had then. I appreciated
now how patient, understanding,
and kind she was to have spent
her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way
west to college, my plane put
down in Seattle. I had
about half an hour or so between
planes. I spent 15 minutes
or so on the phone with my
sister, who lived there now.
Then without thinking what
I was doing, I dialed my hometown
operator and said,
"Information Please."
Miraculously, I heard the small,
clear voice I knew so well,
"Information." I hadn't
planned this but I heard myself
saying, "Could you please
tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause.
Then came the soft spoken answer,
"I guess your finger must have
healed by now." I laughed.
"So it's really still here.'
I said. "I wonder if you
have any idea how much you meant
to me during that time."
"I wonder," she said, "if you
know how much your calls
meant to me. I never had
any children, and I used to look
forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought
of her over the years and I
asked if I could call her again
when I came back to visit my
sister. "Please do, she said.
"Just ask for Sally."
Three months later I was back
in Seattle. A different
voice answered "Information."
I asked for Sally. "Are
you a friend?" She said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I
answered. "I'm sorry to
have to tell you this, she said.
Sally had been working part-time
the last few years
because she was sick.
She died five weeks ago."
Before I could hang up she said,
"Wait a minute. Did you
say your name was Paul?"
"Yes," "Well, Sally left a
message for you. She wrote
it down in case you called.
Let me read it to you."
The note said, "Tell him I still
say there are other worlds to
sing in. He'll know what I
mean." I thanked her and
hung up. I knew what Sally
meant.
(Never underestimate the impression you may make on others)
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Phone
Scam (S149)
From: dmswitzer on 98-05-08
and
From: RFSlick on 12/10/1999
I received a telephone call from
an individual identifying
himself as an AT&T Service
Technician who was conducting a
test on our telephone lines.
He stated that to complete the
test we should touch nine (9),
zero (0), the pound sign (#)
and then hang up. Luckily, we
were suspicious and refused.
Upon contacting the telephone
company we were informed that
by pushing 90# you give the
requesting individual full access
to your telephone line, which
allows them to place a long
distance telephone calls billed
to your home phone number. We
were further informed that this
scam has been originating
from many of the local jails
and prisons. I have also
verified this information with
UCB Telecomm.
Please beware. This sounds like
an Urban Legend - IT IS NOT!
I further called GTE Security
this morning and verified that
this is definitely possible.
DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE.
The GTE Security department
requested that I share this
information with EVERYONE I
KNOW!!!
This is mostly not true any more.
It does not work for
residential and cell phones.
You can read about it at
http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/jailcall.asp
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord
From: humorlist-digest V2 #88 on 98-04-10
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and
the Pope are in a meeting in
Rome. The Rabbi notices
an unusually fancy phone on a side
table in the Pope's private
chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the
Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi
try it out, and, indeed, he
is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy
discussion with Him. After
hanging up the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much.
This is great! But listen, I want
to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses,
but the Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on
the phone and says: "All right!
The charges were 100,000
Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands
over a packet of bills. A few
months later, the Pope is in
Jerusalem on an official visit.
In the Chief Rabbi's chambers
he sees a phone identical to
his and learns it also is a
direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an
urgent matter that requires
divine consultation and asks
if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands
him the phone, and the Pope
chats away. After hanging
up, the Pope offers to pay for
the phone charges. This
time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to
accept payment. After
the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi
relents and looks on the phone
counter and says: "1 Shekel
50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Phone
Sex Through Moldova
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
AND YOU THOUGHT PHONE SEX WAS
EXPENSIVE! How's this for a
scam, you offer "free" adult
services. Then you quietly, in
the background, disconnect subscribers
from their Internet
connection when they choose
a particular service from your
Web site. Then, without
their knowledge (because you shut
off the modem speaker and they
were too busy getting aroused
to notice) you reconnect them
to the Internet. Only instead
of via their local access number,
you route them through
Moldova, a republic in the former
Soviet Union to the tune
of about $2.00 per minute.
Probably not an unreasonable
fee in the world of 900#'s,
etc. It's just that when you
left their Web site to go visit,
CNET or wherever else you
want to surf to after looking
at naked pictures, you were
still connecting through Moldova!
The Federal Trade
Commission won a court order
to shut the sites down.....
(true story!)
so u "peepers" out there be
forewarned...*teehee*
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Real
Answering Machine Messages...
From: humorlist-digest V2 #12 on 98-01-13
(See 'Best
Out Of Office Auto Replies' in Job-Stuff-Supp)
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now.
So leave a message at the tone,
and we'll assimilate you later.
-----------
Hi! John's answering machine
is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of
these magnets.
-----------
Hello, this is Ron's toaster.
Ron's new answering machine is
in the shop for repairs, so
please leave your message when
the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
-----------
Please leave a message. However,
you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you
say will be recorded and will be used
by us.
-----------
Hello, this is KVKE, you're
on the air. (or) Hello, you're
caller number nine!
-----------
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.
If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the
tone.
If you want to leave your name
and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want
to leave your name and just a
message, press star, press 6,
ask for extension 4443, then
leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number
and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin
in a circle, press 1 twice,
talk loud and (BEEP) .
------------
E'llo. My name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father.
Leave your name and number,
and prepare to die.
------------
This is the Literacy Self Test
Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number,
and recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is "supercilious."
-----------
Greetings, you have reached
the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you
are and what you want, so at
the sound of the tone, please
hang up.
-----------
I can't come to the phone now
because alien beings are
eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and
after the alien beings assume
my shape, one of them will get
back to you.
-----------
I can't come to the phone now
because I have amnesia and
I feel stupid talking to people
I don't remember. I'd
appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name
and telling me something about
myself. Thanks.
-----------
Thank you for calling the CSU
Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is
this tone louder in your left ear
or right ear? ... BEEP
-----------
(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're
dazed, bewildered, trapped
in a world without time, where
sound collides with color
and shadows explode. You
see a signpost up ahead - this
is no ordinary telephone answering
device...
You have reached, "The
Twilight Phone".
-----------
Thank you for calling 434-2322.
If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone
now. If you wish to speak
to Lynn, push 2 on your touch
tone phone now. If you have
a wrong number, push 3 on your
touch tone phone now. All
of this button pushing doesn't
do anything, but it is a
good way to work off anger,
and it makes us feel like we
have a big time phone system.
-----------
(In a bored voice:) Heaven,
God speaking...
-----------
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell
do you want?
-----------
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan
Church of the Holy
Bible. Today's commandment
is Number 6, Thou shalt not...
er...Bear a... er... Shalt not
witness thy... uh... Neighbor's,
Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt
not commit a bear... Dern...
-----------
This is a test. This is
a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only
a test.
-----------
I can't come to the phone now,
so if, well, actually, I
CAN come to the phone now, I
mean, like, I'm at the phone
NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while
you're listening to it LATER,
except for you I guess it's
NOW, like, when you're listening
to it... I mean, like,
wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
-----------
(Recorded directly from AT&T:)
We're sorry, but the number
you dialed is disconnected or
no longer in service.
-----------
Hi, you've reached 340-2359.
We're not peeb eht retfa
egassem ruoy evael esaelp
os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac
rof uoy knahT.
-----------
The number you have reached,
226-0477, has been changed.
The new number is 226-0477.
Please make a note of it.
-----------
You have reached the CPX-2000
Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now
being digitally encoded and
stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers
will be able to use the sound
of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff
of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near
future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and
to arrange for your schedule
of payment. Remember to
speak clearly at the sound of
the tone. Thank you.
-----------
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE.
SPEAK.
-----------
You have reached the number
you have dialed. Please leave
a message after the beep.
-----------
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake, Remember
to erase the tape.
-----------
Hello, this is Sid. I've
got a puppy in one hand and a
Smith & Wesson..38 in the
other. Leave a message or the
puppy gets it.
-----------
My wife and I can't come to
the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number,
we'll get back to you
as soon as we're finished.
-----------
Hello, you've reached Jim and
Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're
doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing
it left to right...real slowly.
So leave a message, and
when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.
-----------
A is for academics, B is for
beer. One of those reasons
is why we're not here. So leave
a message.
-----------
Hi. This is John.
If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry,
I have plenty of money.
Top
Subj: More
Answer Machine Messages
From: RFSlick on 98-03-09
-----------
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale
sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone
rings! The bathroom explodes into
a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the
middle of it, his arms windmilling
at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in time? Alas
no, his valiant effort is
in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message.
-----------
Hi. Now you say something."
-----------
"Hello. I am David's answering
machine. What are you?"
-----------
(From my Japanese friend in
Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to.
If you leave message, I call
you soon. If you leave *sexy*
message, I call sooner!
-----------
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.
Her answering machine
just eloped with her tape deck,
so I'm stuck with taking
her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave
your message, just hold it up
to the phone."
-----------
"Hello, you are talking to a
machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to
charity through their office
and do not need their picture
taken. If you're still
with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you."
-----------
"This is not an answering machine
- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call."
-----------
"Hi. I am probably home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back, it's you."
-----------
"Hi, this is George. I'm
sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message,
and then wait by your phone
until I call you back."
-----------
"If you are a burglar, then
we're at home cleaning our
weapons and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to
leave us a message."
-----------
"You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your will-
power and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear
the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your
name, number, and a message."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Answering
Machine At Mental Hospital (S287)
From: KMACINTY on 7/30/2002
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please
ask someone to press 2
for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press
7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen
carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number
to press.
If you are a manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will
answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder,
please fidget with the
pound key until a representative
comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8
and state your name,
address, telephone number,date
of birth, social
security number, and your mother's
maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress
disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y
& c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press
0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder,
please leave a message
after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-
term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem,
please hang up. All
operators are too busy to talk
to you."
If you are menopausal, hang up,
turn on the fan, lay
down & cry. You won't be
crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press
any buttons, you'll just
mess it up.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Phone Jokes
| Top
Subj: Palisades High School Answering Machine From: jtgalvan (S471 in School3) on 1/23/2006 The listen to and read about the fictional answering |
 |
 |
Subj:
Cell Phone Holder (S467b)
From: grs on 12/29/2005 |
| Subj:
A Phone Call To Grandpa (S461)
From: darrell94590 on 11/16/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Caller IQ Box (S453b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/27/2005 |
| Subj:
Cell Phone Call From Texas
From: tnkr on 9/17/2005 (S452b in Movies) |
 |
You can listen to the radio show
at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 |
Subj:
The WMV movie "... Wife Called" (S452)
From: darrell94590 on 9/13/2005 |
Top
Subj: Rooney's
Tips For Telemarketers (S436b)
From: RFSlick of 6/1/2005
Finally....a worthwhile bit
of advice:
Andy Rooney's tips for Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are:
"Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down
your phone and walking
off (instead of hanging-up immediately)
would make each
telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a
halt.
Then when you eventually hear
the phone company's "beep-
beep-beep" tone, you know it's
time to go back and hang
up your handset, which has efficiently
completed its task.
These three little words will
help eliminate telephone
soliciting.
| Subj:
Cute Cell Phone Cartoon (S423)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/1/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Abundance
Of Cell Phones (S353)
From: woneye on 11/4/2003
I was thinking about how the
status symbol of today is
those cell phones that everyone
has clipped on. I can't
afford one so I'm wearing my
garage door opener.
Top
Subj: Do Not
Call List (S332)
From: gibbz on 6/7/2003
Pre-registered for the California
Do Not Call list by
going to the web site http://nocall.doj.state.ca.us/
Californians can now pre-register
here for the nationwide
Do Not Call list that the Federal
Trade Commission (FTC)
is expected to launch this summer.
California is joining
in the national Do Not Call
registry which is FREE to
consumers.
If you sign up today, you can
stop unwanted telemarketing
calls beginning in October under
the nationwide program.
Top
Subj: You
Won't Believe This Phone Bill (S320b)
From: BennoRo on 3/14/2003
Source: Cathryn Conroy, CompuServe News Editor
There's no avoiding taxes and
death--and apparently phone
bills. David Towles, who
passed on to his great reward
in December 1997 at the age
of 60, received a Sprint phone
bill last week. For 12
cents. For a call he made (supposedly)
on February 16, five years after
he died! Sprint did a good
job of tracking him down to
try to get their 12 cents. The
address was right: Hillside
Cemetery, Evergreen Section,
Auburn, Mass. 01501.
Cemetery Superintendent Wayne
Bloomquist told The Associated
Press, "Our clients here don't
usually get mail. Maybe we
should start putting mailboxes
on the monuments." Now there's
another problem. Because
Towles hasn't paid the bill yet,
he's been hit with late charges.
He now owes $3.95, reports
AP. The bill has been turned
over to the Auburn town clerk.
Top
Subj: Large
Phone Bill (S263c)
From: jerry on 2/12/2002
Telecom, a telephone company
in New Zealand, sent a
customer a phone bill with an
extra $300 charge for
being "an arrogant bastard."
The company says they have started
an investigation
to determine which, of their
1,500 customer service
people, are responsible for
this.
New Zealand Press Association
via stuff.co.nz (13-Feb-02)
Top
Subj: Romanian
Phone Sex (S263c)
From: jerry on 2/13/2002
A Romanian man who fell asleep
while listening to a
telephone sex line, running
up a bill of about $1,400,
equivalent to a year's pay in
Romania.
He says he won't pay because
the line was boring. He
faces jail if he refuses to
pay.
Ananova (12-Feb-02)
In 1900 only 8 percent of the
homes had a telephone. A three-
minute call from Denver to New
York City cost eleven dollars.
There are more collect calls
on this day than any other day
of the year. Father's
Day
AT&T fired President John
Walter after nine months, saying
he lacked "intellectual leadership".
He received a $26
million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's
lacking intelligence.
The international telphone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
From: JOELFALLON on 98-12-04
Hi, I'm not home right now but
my answering machine is.
So you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #195 on 98-08-23
Q: What do prisoners use to
call each other?
A: Cell phones.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2001
(S255)
For three days after death,
hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls taper
off." -- Johnny Carson
From: Anon Jr. on 6/1/2004 (S383 -
in Middle East)
Q: Why are long distance calls
in Persia so expensive?
A: Why, because they are Persian
to Persian.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005
(S438b)
Q: There are more collect calls
on this day than
any other day of
the year?
A: Father's Day
\\\//
&nb