Subj: Plane1 Jokes
(Includes 32 jokes and articles, 29 1029n,12,cf,wXT2a,11)
Plane Flying Loops
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Also see ARABS file - 'Two
Terrorists Get Visas'
AUSTRALIAN - 'Air New Zealand Plane Safety Video'
BARBER file - 'A Vacation in Rome'
BIG_CATS - 'Shade'
BIRDS file - 'The Penguin Game'
BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'FAA Test'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Ducks Fly South (picture)'
BIRDS-PARROTS- 'A Man And A Parrot On A Plane'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde On An Airline'
......................- 'Blonde On An Airline2'
BREASTS file - 'Metal-Free Bras'
BUGS-ETC - 'Flea Learns How To Get A Ride'
CARS-SUPP3 - 'Dune Buggy That Can Fly' - Video
CATS1 file - 'Cat Gets In Suitcase Before Flight'
CLINTON FILE - 'Clinton And Falwell Travel On A Plane'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Balloon Ride'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Strange Plane Crash'
DRINKING - 'Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk'
FACTS2 file - 'UA Agent's Quick Wit'
FACTS4 file - 'Boeing Employees Go Rafting'
......................- 'Marauding Moose'
FISHING1 file- 'Fishing Boat and Plane Almost Collide'
FRENCH file - 'Elderly Man Arrives At DeGaulle Airport'
GAY file - 'Are You Gay?'
.........GOLF-SUPP - 'Practicing High-lob Shots' - Video
......................- 'Greek island Of Skiathos' Airport' - Video
.........HEADLINES-SUP- 'Honey, I'm home! - Norwegian Airlines Ad' - Video
.........HUNTING-CAMP - 'Three Hunters Fly In To Hunt'
.........IRISH2 file - 'Irish Looses Luggage In Airport'
ITALIAN - 'French, Italian, And American Discuss Sex w/Wives'
JEWISH1 file - 'A Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane'
JEWISH-RABBI - 'Priest And Rabbi On A Train'
KIDS2 file - 'Returning Home To Kids'
MATH6 file - 'Oakland Teacher Arrested'
NATIONAL2 - 'Congresswoman Flies To Rhino, New York'
NUN2 file - 'A Nun Flies To Chicago'
PILOT file - 'Plane Needs Latrine Pumped'
......................- 'F-15 and C-130 Pilots Argue'
......................- 'Pilot Turns Wrong Way While Taxing'
......................- 'A Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot'
......................- 'Frankdurt Traffic Controllers'
......................- 'Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane'
......................- (see whole file)
PILOT-SUPP - 'SR-71 Pilot Col. Buzz Carpenter' - Video
......................- 'Gail 'Hal' Halvorsen, The Candy Bomber' - Video
......................- 'Concrete Arrows'
......................- 'F-35 Looping On Take-Off'
POLAND file - 'Terrible Disaster'
POLICE1 file - 'Defective Radar'
POLIT-BUSH - 'President Bush Meets Moses'
POPE file - 'The Pope Does A Crossword Puzzle'
PRIEST1 file - 'Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests'
PROGRAMMER - 'Programmer And Engineer Bet On Plane'
SAILOR-MARINE- 'Blue Angels - Cockpit Footage'
......................- 'Blue Angels w/On Board Cameras In HD'
SHIPS file - 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.1' - Video
......................- 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.2' - Video
SHIT file - 'Atheist Talks To Little Girl On A Plane'
......................- 'Two Airplane Passengers Talk'
SOLDIER1 - 'Decoy'
STORIES file - 'Two Great Stories, Story One'
NEW_YORKER - 'World Trade Center And Word'
Subj: Boeing's 787 Near Vertical Take-off (S960d)
From: AFine963 on 6/12/2015
.......Click 'HERE' to see Boeing 787 Dreamliner performs
.......near vertical take off before Paris Airshow 2015.
From: tom on 4/23/2014
Have you ever wondered where
that plane flying overhead is
going and it's type of aircraft? We ask ourselves questions
like the following:
..........What type of plane is it?
..........Where did it come from and where is it going?
..........What the plane's altitude, speed, and airline?
Now you can get this instantly on your laptop screen for any
plane anywhere in the world.
Click on Source2 to start over the Vallejo/Benicia area.
Here is a note to help you get
more out of your visit to this
site. These are all the aircraft in the air right now. In the
left hand Column, there is a box called "planes". The number
in the box is the Number of aircraft airborne. This view is
what the various airport air Traffic management people see for
Some additional tricks:
Drag the map to take you to the
area you want to view.
To view your region or town, you can zoom in by tapping with
your Mouse. On the map you will see all the planes in the air.
When you click on an airplane,
on the left screen you will get
all the Information related to; airline, plane type, air speed,
altitude in Real time that is re-calculated every 10 seconds.
On some you can also Click on view from the cockpit.
This amazes. Real time location details about every aircraft
flying now. Click on individual planes for details of that
Airline, flight number
City of departure
Time of departure
City of destination
Present altiture, vert. speed, track, latitued, and longitude
Subj: Did We Land Or Were We Shot Down?
From: Octagon999 on 97-12-23
An airline pilot wrote that on
this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline
had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment,
but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She
approached and asked, comspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
KLM Lost And Found Service (S931d)
From: kgilmour2000 on 11/20/2014
||lost items as soon as
their legitimate owner. From a teddy
bear found by the cabin crew to a lap-
top left in the lounge, KLM tries to
locating the owners using special hired.
||KLM Royal Dutch Airlines's
found dog is a fake advertisement.
Click 'HERE' to see this Good Morning
America show about this cute commercial.
A man boards an airplane and
takes his seat. As he settles
in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards
his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside
his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business.
I'm going to the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here
is the most gorgeous woman he has
ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting
of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he
calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says, "I use
my experience to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular
myth is that African-
American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's
the Native-American Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are
the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent. However, we have found that the best potential
lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a
little uncomfortable and
blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing
this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto
Goldstein!....But my friends
call me 'Bubba.'"
The Airplane And Grandma (S457b,d)
From: darrell94590 on 11/4/2005
An commercial airline makes an
emergency landing on
freeway that has only two cars on it. Click 'HERE'
to view this cute, funny video.
Subj: Rules For Frequent Flyers (S470b, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/17/2006
No flight ever leaves on time
unless you are running late
and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a
flight, it will depart from
the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for
a flight, it inevitably will
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight,
you will experience turbulence
as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
Only passengers seated in window
seats ever have to get up
to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The less carryon luggage space
available on an aircraft, the
more carryon luggage passengers will bring aboard.
by John Graziano on 4/28/2009
on the button
for the answer.
Subj: USAF Squawks (S117, S702)
From: KMacinty on 4/28/99
and From: gattica30 on 6/17/2010
"Squawks" are problems noted
by U. S. Air Force pilots and
left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those
Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem; (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire
almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except
auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on
right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude
hold mode produces a
200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause
throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right,"
and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(P) Suspected crack in
(S) Suspect you're right.
(P) Mouse in cockpit.
(S) Cat installed.
(P) Noise coming from under
instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
(S) Took hammer away from midget.
Subj: Nervous Passenger Carries A Bible (S117, DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #299 on 4/26/99
There was a woman who had to
do a lot of traveling for her
firm, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very,
very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her
to read, as it helped her relax a bit on the long flights.
On one flight, the man sitting
next to her gave a little
chuckle and smirk when he saw her pull out her Bible, and
then he resumed perusing the complimentary magazines. After
awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's Scripture."
He said, "Well, what about that
guy who was swallowed by
She replied, "Oh, you mean Jonah.
Yes, I believe that, it's
in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose
he survived all that time
inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't
really know. I guess when I
get to heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" The man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady sweetly.
Welcoming The Troops In Maine (S431, DU)
From: RFSlick on 5/1/2005
This is NOT a joke. It is a Tear Jerker True Story.
You can read this long, heartwarming story by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Plane Hired To Fly Over Fire (S112, S786)
From: RFSlick on 3/21/99
and From: hilary.miller05 on 2/1/2012
The photographer for a national
magazine was assigned to
get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was
too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at
the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot
swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the
fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!
I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot
said, "You mean you're not the
Subj: Two Arabs And A Jew On A Plane (S103, S505b)
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-17
and From: jbcary1 on 9/24/2006
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out
of Washington for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and
took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
Coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but
you probably knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll
get it for you." While
he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in
it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said
"That looks good. Think I'll have one too." Again, the Jew
obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab
picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke,
and they all sit back and
enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew
slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what
had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This
enmity between our peoples... this hatred... your spitting
in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke?"
Subj: Stealth, Night Before Christmas (DU)
From: smiles on 98-12-11
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each
SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose
such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of
the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx
And scramble our fighters let's send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target,
moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to
look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas,
with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade,
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
Just look how the gadgets we
use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working
hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
Opus Sunday Comic Strip (S609c)
By Berkeley Breathed on Sept. 16, 2007
This Opus comic strip discusses
Opus' trip on a
commercial plane. You can view this wonderful
comic strip by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Sometimes Life Is Fair (S83, S617b)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-29
On a British Airways flight from
Johannesburg, a middle-aged,
well-off white South African lady had found herself sitting
next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant
over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've
sat me next to a kafir.
I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find
me another seat!
"Please calm down, Madam." the
stewardess replied. "The
flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in
club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look
at the outraged black man
beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess
returns with the good news,
which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at
the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected,
economy is full. I've
spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.
However, we do have one seat in first class." Before the lady
has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most
extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I
have had to get special permission from the captain. But,
given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous
that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious
With that, she turned to the
black man and said, "So if you'd
like to get your things, Sir, I have your first class seat
ready for you." At which point, the surrounding passengers
stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the
front of the plane.
|.||Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009|
Subj: Planes Engines Explode
From: humorlist-digest V2 #98 on 98-04-20
While cruising at 40,000 feet,
the airplane shuddered and Mr.
Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats
and came running over;
suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet
another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic
now, and even the stewardesses
couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured
everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and
his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better,
and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of
the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under
the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I
thought you said there was nothing
to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot
as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
Subj: Airline Shuffle
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
During the "rush hour" at Houston's
Hobby Airport, my flight
was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed
the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away
from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We
were then told the new gate number, which was some distance
Everyone moved to the new gate,
only to find that a third
gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling,
everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight
attendant made the standard announcement,
"We apologize for the inconvenience
of this last-minute gate
change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your
destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane'
at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced
pilot emerged from the
cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
A true story.
Angel Decoy (S430)
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/26/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
These are photos of an Air Force
C-130 releasing flares to
repel heat-seeking Missiles. The pattern formed by these
"decoys" are how they got their name . . . . Angel decoy.
It's absolutely awesome!
Maneuvers are usually in remote
areas and over water,
therefore the general public does not get to view these
To view these photos, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Last Wish Before A Plane Crash (S52, S574)
From: woneye on 4/9/2003
and From: ginafm on 1/12/2008
(Also see 'Man And Woman In Falling Elevator' in WOMEN1)
A passenger plane on a cross
the country trip runs into a
terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind
and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are
sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to
At the height of the storm, a
young woman jumps up and
exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit
here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I
am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there
anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up in the rear of
the plane. "I can make you
feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built,
with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to
walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily
in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles
ripple across his chest as
he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to
the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this. Then get
me a beer."
Subj: Pilot Speaks With Mike Open (S47)
(Also see 'Sexist professor' in COLLEGE1)
A (supposedly) true story:
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition
School at Tufts was one
of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight
to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain
did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a
pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into
their seats for about half an hour, and many of the
passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in
their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence
finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves,
and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite
some ride, wasn't it?' But
we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and
I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of
our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and
today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for
your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes
for a pleasant stay in Boston.
(after a short pause and several clicks)
"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin'
ride! Boy - I sure could
use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right
As a stricken stewardess dashed
up the aisle to the cabin
to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one
of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!
Subj: Pilot Speaks With Mike Open II (S267b, S464)
From: coreymac on 3/14/2002
and From: DoctorDebt on 12/11/2005
A jumbo jet is just coming into
the Toronto Airport on
it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into
Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today
and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgets to switch off the
intercom. Now the whole
plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The
copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna
do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first
I'm gonna check into
the hotel and take a big crap..... then I'm gonna take
that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.
I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Everyone on the plane hears this
and immediately begins
looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at
the new stewardess. Meanwhile, she is at the very back
of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to
run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips
over an old lady's bag
and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No
need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
Subj: Concorde RC Plane (S975d)
..........From: Trending Hot on Facebook on 9/17/2015
.....This RC bird is a thing of beauty. Modelled on the
.....Concorde, this sleek birdplane is powered by two real
.....turbo jet engines. Click 'HERE' to watch her fly.
Subj: Flight Attendant Handles Angry Passenger (S27, S613b)
From: Imogenelumen on 11/16/2003
and From: hellgunner50 on 10/10/2008
(Also see 'UA Agent's Quick Wit' in FACTS2)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:
During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport,
a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent
was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry,
sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and
I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any
idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate
agent smiled and grabbed
her public address microphone. "May I have your attention
please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in
line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth
and swore, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled
and said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people
in the terminal applauded
loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were
late, they were no longer angry at United.
Snopes.com labeled the above story a legend at their web
site of http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnox.htm
Subj: Kid Asks About Baby Planes (S22, S843)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: ginafm on 5/22/2009
A mother and her son were flying
TWA from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think
of an answer) told her son
to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your
mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that
TWA always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it
Subj: Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane (S229)
From: pns on 6/18/2001
A man on a plane needed to go
to the GENTS but every time he
went, there was someone else using it. After a while the
flight attendant noticed his predicament and suggested he
use the LADIES, but not to touch the buttons mounted on the
He went in, took his seat and
looking around the cubicle, he
saw buttons marked thus:
After a while his curiosity got the better of him, so he
pressed (WW) and warm water washed his bottom. This was a
marvellous idea, so he pressed (WA) and warm air rushed out
and dried his bottom. Not to be outdone, he decided to
press (PP) and out came a powder puff and powdered his
bottom. He thought the ladies really had it made for them
so he pressed (ATR) and promptly passed out.
Waking up later in hospital,
he asked the nurse what happened
and she said: "You pressed the (ATR) button, which means
Automatic Tampon Remover, your penis is under your pillow and
your balls are in the bucket under the bed!"
Coming Home (S509)
From: darrell94590 on 10/19/2006
Subj: Man On Plane Sneezes (S311, S569c)
From: KMACINTY on 5/16/2001
and From: hellgunner50 on 12/12/2007
A man and a woman are sitting
next to each other in an
airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully.
He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes
out his willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts
it back in and closes his zipper.
The woman is shocked--but she
thinks it wiser to not say
anything about it.
There is a second sneeze, as
loud as the first one. The
same routine is followed: zipper open, willy out, wiping,
willy in, and zipper closed. The woman is almost sick
but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the
routine) she cannot help
but ask: "Excuse me, sir, but you have now sneezed three
times. And after each time you have taken out your penis
and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
"Oh--you see Ma'am, every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."
"But that's awful! Do you take anything for it?"
"Pepper," answered the man.
Subj: Not Enough Parachutes (S156)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: octagon999 on 01/24/2000
One night, a Delta twin-engine
puddle jumper was flying
somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on
board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali
Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in
the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began
to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the
pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have
good news and bad news.
The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey.
The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I
have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the
door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet
in a flash. "Gentlemen,"
he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world
needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest
athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled
through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen,
I am the world's
smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the
world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He
grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie
looked at one another.
Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I
have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss
of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and
said, "Hey, don't worry,
pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing
Subj: Doctor And Minister On A Plane
From: humorlist-digest V1 #184 on 97-08-28
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian
minister were seated
next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at
the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking
off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and
announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess
came round with the trolley,
the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess
then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He
replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery
than drink alcohol".
The elderly doctor promptly handed
back his gin and tonic to
the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a
Amazing Jet Plane Takeoff (S674d)
From: Wimp.com on 12/11/2009
This nine second video
is amazing. My military expert,
Gilbert, explained to me that this picture was NOT amazing.
He said "It's a sub missile launch with a jet picture super
imposed over the missile. Sorry I got taken by another
Click 'HERE' to see this video.