Subj:     Plane1 Jokes
                 (Includes 32 jokes and articles, 29 1029n,12,cf,wXT2a,11)

Plane Flying Loops
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Includes the following:  Boeing's 787 Near Vertical Take-off - Video (S960)
.........................FlightRadar24.com - Web Site (S904)
.........................Did We Land Or Were We Shot Down?
.........................KLM Lost And Found Service - Videos (S931)
.........................Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane (S220b, S598)
.........................The Airplane And Grandma - Video (S457b)
.........................Rules For Frequent Flyers (S470b, DU)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S644b)
.........................USAF Squawks (S117, S702)
.........................Nervous Passenger Carries A Bible (S117, DU)
.........................Welcoming The Troops In Maine (S431, DU)
.........................Plane Hired To Fly Over Fire (S112, S786)
.........................Two Arabs And A Jew On A Plane (S103, S505b)
.........................Stealth, Night Before Christmas (DU)
.........................Opus Sunday Comic Strip (S609c)
.........................Sometimes Life Is Fair (S83, S617b)
.........................Planes Engines Explode
.........................Airline Shuffle
.........................Angel Decoy (S430)
.........................Last Wish Before A Plane Crash (S52, S574)
.........................Pilot Speaks With Mike Open (S47)
.........................Pilot Speaks With Mike Open II (S267b, S464)
.........................Concorde RC Plane - Video (S975)
.........................Flight Attendant Handles Angry Passenger (S27, S613b)
.........................Kid Asks About Baby Planes (S22, S843)
.........................Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane
.........................Coming Home (S509)
.........................Man On Plane Sneezes (S311, S569c)
.........................Not Enough Parachutes (S156)
.........................Doctor And Minister On A Plane
.........................Amazing Jet Plane Takeoff - Video (S674)

Also see ARABS file   - 'Two Terrorists Get Visas'
         AUSTRALIAN   - 'Air New Zealand Plane Safety Video'
         BARBER file  - 'A Vacation in Rome'
         BIG_CATS     - 'Shade'
         BIRDS file   - 'The Penguin Game'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'FAA Test'
         BIRDS-DUCKS  - 'Ducks Fly South (picture)'
         BIRDS-PARROTS- 'A Man And A Parrot On A Plane'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde On An Airline'
......................- 'Blonde On An Airline2'
         BREASTS file - 'Metal-Free Bras'
         BUGS-ETC     - 'Flea Learns How To Get A Ride'
         CARS-SUPP3   - 'Dune Buggy That Can Fly' - Video
         CATS1 file   - 'Cat Gets In Suitcase Before Flight'
         CLINTON FILE - 'Clinton And Falwell Travel On A Plane'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Balloon Ride'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Strange Plane Crash'
         DRINKING     - 'Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk'
         FACTS2 file  - 'UA Agent's Quick Wit'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Boeing Employees Go Rafting'
......................- 'Marauding Moose'
         FISHING1 file- 'Fishing Boat and Plane Almost Collide'
         FRENCH file  - 'Elderly Man Arrives At DeGaulle Airport'
         GAY file     - 'Are You Gay?'
.........GOLF-SUPP    - 'Practicing High-lob Shots' - Video
......................- 'Greek island Of Skiathos' Airport' - Video
.........HEADLINES-SUP- 'Honey, I'm home! - Norwegian Airlines Ad' - Video
.........HUNTING-CAMP - 'Three Hunters Fly In To Hunt'
.........IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Looses Luggage In Airport'
         ITALIAN      - 'French, Italian, And American Discuss Sex w/Wives'
         JEWISH1 file - 'A Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Priest And Rabbi On A Train'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Returning Home To Kids'
         MATH6 file   - 'Oakland Teacher Arrested'
         NATIONAL2    - 'Congresswoman Flies To Rhino, New York'
         NUN2 file    - 'A Nun Flies To Chicago'
         PILOT file   - 'Plane Needs Latrine Pumped'
......................- 'F-15 and C-130 Pilots Argue'
......................- 'Pilot Turns Wrong Way While Taxing'
......................- 'A Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot'
......................- 'Frankdurt Traffic Controllers'
......................- 'Blind Man And His Dog On A Plane'
......................- (see whole file)
         PILOT-SUPP   - 'SR-71 Pilot Col. Buzz Carpenter' - Video
......................- 'Gail 'Hal' Halvorsen, The Candy Bomber' - Video
......................- 'Concrete Arrows'
......................- 'F-35 Looping On Take-Off'
         POLAND file  - 'Terrible Disaster'
         POLICE1 file - 'Defective Radar'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'President Bush Meets Moses'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope Does A Crossword Puzzle'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'Programmer And Engineer Bet On Plane'
         SAILOR-MARINE- 'Blue Angels - Cockpit Footage'
......................- 'Blue Angels w/On Board Cameras In HD'
         SHIPS file   - 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.1' - Video
......................- 'Carrier - Landing on a Pitching Deck Pt.2' - Video
         SHIT file    - 'Atheist Talks To Little Girl On A Plane'
......................- 'Two Airplane Passengers Talk'
         SOLDIER1     - 'Decoy'
         STORIES file - 'Two Great Stories, Story One'
         NEW_YORKER   - 'World Trade Center And Word'

Subj:     Boeing's 787 Near Vertical Take-off (S960d)
          From: AFine963 on 6/12/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/KSJ-_dzkJAk
.......Click 'HERE' to see Boeing 787 Dreamliner performs
.......near vertical take off before Paris Airshow 2015.
Subj:     FlightRadar24.com (S904)
          From: tom on 4/23/2014
 Source1: http://www.flightradar24.com/
 Source2: http://www.flightradar24.com/#38.15,-122.17

 Have you ever wondered where that plane flying overhead is
 going and it's type of aircraft?  We ask ourselves questions
 like the following:
..........What type of plane is it?
..........Where did it come from and where is it going?
..........What the plane's altitude, speed, and airline?
 Now you can get this instantly on your laptop screen for any
 plane anywhere in the world.

 Click on Source2 to start over the Vallejo/Benicia area.

 Here is a note to help you get more out of your visit to this
 site.  These are all the aircraft in the air right now. In the
 left hand Column, there is a box called "planes".  The number
 in the box is the Number of aircraft airborne.  This view is
 what the various airport air Traffic management people see for
 planning purposes.

 Some additional tricks:

 Drag the map to take you to the area you want to view.
 To view your region or town, you can zoom in by tapping with
 your Mouse. On the map you will see all the planes in the air.

 When you click on an airplane, on the left screen you will get
 all the Information related to; airline, plane type, air speed,
 altitude in Real time that is re-calculated every 10 seconds.
 On some you can also Click on view from the cockpit.
 This amazes. Real time location details about every aircraft
 flying now.  Click on individual planes for details of that
 flight including:
    Airline, flight number
    City of departure
    Time of departure
    City of destination
    Arrival time
    Present altiture, vert. speed, track, latitued, and longitude

Subj:     Did We Land Or Were We Shot Down?
          From: Octagon999 on 97-12-23

 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
 hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline
 had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at
 the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a
 "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
 his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
 in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment,
 but no one seemed annoyed.  Finally everyone had gotten off
 except for one little old lady walking with a cane.  She
 approached and asked, comspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I
 ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land
 or were we shot down?"

Subj:     KLM Lost And Found Service (S931d)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 11/20/2014
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/NK-T_t166TY
 KLM Royal Dutch Airlines's dedicated Lost and Found
 team at Amsterdam Airport is on a mission to reunite
lost items as soon as possible with
their legitimate owner. From a teddy
bear found by the cabin crew to a lap-
top left in the lounge, KLM tries to
locating the owners using special hired.
.Click 'HERE' for my copy, to see this very cute advertisement.
KLM Royal Dutch Airlines's lost and
found dog is a fake advertisement.
Click 'HERE' to see this Good Morning
America show about this cute commercial.
Subj:     Man Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane (S220b, S598)
          From: RFSlick on 2/20/2001
      and From: tom on 6/29/2008

 A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.  As he settles
 in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding
 the plane.  He soon realizes she is heading straight towards
 his seat.  Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside
 his.  Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
 "Business trip or vacation?"

 She turns, smiles and says, "Business.  I'm going to the
 annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

 He swallows hard.  Here is the most gorgeous woman he has
 ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting
 of nymphomaniacs!  Struggling to maintain his composure, he
 calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

 "Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some
 of the popular myths about sexuality."

 "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

 "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-
 American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's
 the Native-American Indian who is most likely to possess
 that trait.  Another popular myth is that French men are
 the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
 descent. However, we have found that the best potential
 lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

 Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and
 blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing
 this with you, I don't even know your name!"

 "Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!....But my friends
 call me 'Bubba.'"

Subj:     The Airplane And Grandma (S457b,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/4/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/YmzmSPPRlOs

 An commercial airline makes an emergency landing on
 freeway that has only two cars on it.  Click 'HERE'
 to view this cute, funny video.

Subj:     Rules For Frequent Flyers (S470b, DU)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/17/2006

 No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late
 and need the delay to make the flight.

 If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from
 the farthest gate within the terminal.

 If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will
 be delayed.

 Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

 If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence
 as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.

 Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up
 to go to the lavatory.

 The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

 The less carryon luggage space available on an aircraft, the
 more carryon luggage passengers will bring aboard.

     by John Graziano on 4/28/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/ripleysbelieveitornot/2009/04/28
..Click on the button

.below for the answer.



Subj:     USAF Squawks (S117, S702)
          From: KMacinty on 4/28/99
      and From: gattica30 on 6/17/2010

 "Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and
 left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
 Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those
 Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

 (P) = Problem;  (S) = Solution

 (P)  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 (S)  Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 (P)  Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
 (S)  Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

 (P)  # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
 (S)  # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers
      lack normal seepage.

 (P)  Something loose in cockpit.
 (S)  Something tightened in cockpit.

 (P)  Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 (S)  Evidence removed.

 (P)  DME volume unbelievably loud.
 (S)  Volume set to more believable level.

 (P)  Dead bugs on windshield.
 (S)  Live bugs on order.

 (P)  Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a
      200 fpm descent.
 (S)  Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

 (P)  IFF inoperative.
 (S)  IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 (P)  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 (S)  That's what they're there for.

 (P)  Number three engine missing.
 (S)  Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 (P)  Aircraft handles funny.
 (S)  Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right,"
      and be serious.

 (P)  Target Radar hums.
 (S)  Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

 (P)  Suspected crack in windshield.
 (S)  Suspect you're right.

 (P)  Mouse in cockpit.
 (S)  Cat installed.

 (P)  Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds
      like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 (S)  Took hammer away from midget.

Subj:     Nervous Passenger Carries A Bible (S117, DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #299 on 4/26/99

 There was a woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her
 firm, so she did a lot of flying.  Flying made her very,
 very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her
 to read, as it helped her relax a bit on the long flights.

 On one flight, the man sitting next to her gave a little
 chuckle and smirk when he saw her pull out her Bible, and
 then he resumed perusing the complimentary magazines.  After
 awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe
 all that stuff in there do you?"

 The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's Scripture."

 He said, "Well, what about that guy who was swallowed by
 the whale?"

 She replied, "Oh, you mean Jonah.  Yes, I believe that, it's
 in the Bible."

 He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
 inside the whale?"

 The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I
 get to heaven, I'll ask him."

 "What if he isn't in heaven?" The man asked sarcastically.

 "Then you can ask him,"  replied the lady sweetly.

Subj:     Welcoming The Troops In Maine (S431, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 5/1/2005
 (See 'The Best Commercial Ever' in Soldier-Supp)

 This is NOT a joke.  It is a Tear Jerker True Story.

 You can read this long, heartwarming story by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Plane Hired To Fly Over Fire (S112, S786)
          From: RFSlick on 3/21/99
      and From: hilary.miller05 on 2/1/2012

 The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to
 get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was
 too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called
 his home office to hire a plane.

 "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
 by his editor.

 As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
 a plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with
 his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"  The pilot
 swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

 "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
 "and make three or four low level passes."

 "Why?" asked the pilot.

 "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
 photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
 great exasperation and impatience.

 After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the

Subj:     Two Arabs And A Jew On A Plane (S103, S505b)
          From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-17
      and From: jbcary1 on 9/24/2006

 Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.
 One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
 Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and
 took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.  He kicked off his
 shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab
 in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
 Coke."  (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but
 you probably knew that.)

 "No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."  While
 he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in
 it.  The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said
 "That looks good.  Think I'll have one too."  Again, the Jew
 obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab
 picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

 The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and
 enjoy the short flight.  When the plane was landing the Jew
 slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what
 had happened.  "How long must this go on?" he asked.  "This
 enmity between our peoples... this hatred... your spitting
 in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke?"

Subj:     Stealth, Night Before Christmas (DU)
          From: smiles on 98-12-11

 Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
 Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
 Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
 As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

 Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
 Was triply-redundant linked to the Blue Cube,
 And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense,
 That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

 When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter,
 I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter,
 I dialed up the gain and then quick as a flash,
 Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

 And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded,
 An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
 "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
 As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE"!

 On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
 And scramble our fighters let's send the whole flock!
 Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
 Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

 They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged,
 Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
 And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
 As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

 So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
 Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea,
 Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
 Broken sleighbells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

 Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
 There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
 For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade,
 All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

 Just look how the gadgets we use to protect us,
 In other ways alter, transform, and affect us.
 They keep us from things that make life more worth living,
 Like love for each other, and thoughts of just giving.

 But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
 All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
 So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
 For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

Subj:     Opus Sunday Comic Strip (S609c)
          By Berkeley Breathed on Sept. 16, 2007
 Source: http://www.salon.com/2007/09/16/opus_12/

 This Opus comic strip discusses Opus' trip on a
 commercial plane.  You can view this wonderful
 comic strip by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Sometimes Life Is Fair (S83, S617b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-29

 On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged,
 well-off white South African lady had found herself sitting
 next to a black man.  She called the cabin crew attendant
 over to complain about her seating.

 "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

 "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir.
 I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human.  Find
 me another seat!

 "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied.  "The
 flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do.
 I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in
 club or first class."

 The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man
 beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

 A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news,
 which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at
 the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

 "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've
 spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.
 However, we do have one seat in first class."  Before the lady
 has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most
 extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I
 have had to get special permission from the captain.  But,
 given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous
 that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious

 With that, she turned to the black man and said, "So if you'd
 like to get your things, Sir, I have your first class seat
 ready for you."  At which point, the surrounding passengers
 stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the
 front of the plane.
. Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009
 Snopes.com reports that while this is a cute story, it is
 just an urban legent.  Thank you Chris for pointing this
 out.  You can reas Snopes.com full report at

Subj:     Planes Engines Explode
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #98 on 98-04-20

 While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr.
 Benson looked out the window.

 "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

 Other passengers left their seats and came running over;
 suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet
 another engine exploded on the other side.

 The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses
 couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling
 confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured
 everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and
 his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better,
 and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of
 the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under
 the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

 Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

 "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

 The pilot said they were.

 The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing
 to worry about?"

 "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
 "We're going to get help."

Subj:     Airline Shuffle
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight
 was delayed due to a mechanical problem.  Since they needed
 the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away
 from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.  We
 were then told the new gate number, which was some distance

 Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third
 gate had been designated for us.  After some further shuffling,
 everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight
 attendant made the standard announcement,

 "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate
 change.  This flight is going to Washington, D.C.  If your
 destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane'
 at this time."

 A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the
 cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

 A true story.

Subj:     Angel Decoy (S430)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 4/26/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 These are photos of an Air Force C-130 releasing flares to
 repel heat-seeking Missiles.  The pattern formed by these
 "decoys" are how they got their name . . . . Angel decoy.
 It's absolutely awesome!

 Maneuvers are usually in remote areas and over water,
 therefore the general public does not get to view these

 To view these photos, click 'HERE'.

Subj:     Last Wish Before A Plane Crash (S52, S574)
          From: woneye on 4/9/2003
      and From: ginafm on 1/12/2008

 (Also see 'Man And Woman In Falling Elevator' in WOMEN1)

 A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a
 terrible storm.  The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind
 and lightening.  The passengers are screaming.  They are
 sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to

 At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and
 exclaims, "I can't take this anymore!  I can't just sit
 here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair.  If I
 am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.  Is there
 anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

 A man stands up in the rear of the plane.  "I can make you
 feel like a woman," he says.  He's gorgeous.  Tall, built,
 with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to
 walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
 at a time.  No one moves.  The woman is breathing heavily
 in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

 He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as
 he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to
 the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this. Then get
 me a beer."

Subj:     Pilot Speaks With Mike Open (S47)

 (Also see 'Sexist professor' in COLLEGE1)

 A (supposedly) true story:

 A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one
 of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight
 to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob".  The captain
 did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a
 pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the
 flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into
 their seats for about half an hour, and many of the
 passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in
 their seat pockets to good use.  When the turbulence
 finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves,
 and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

 "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?'  But
 we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and
 I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of
 our trip should be much calmer.  On behalf of myself and
 today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for
 your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes
 for a pleasant stay in Boston.

 (after a short pause and several clicks)

 "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride!  Boy - I sure could
 use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right
 about now"

 As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin
 to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one
 of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!

Subj:     Pilot Speaks With Mike Open II (S267b, S464)
          From: coreymac on 3/14/2002
      and From: DoctorDebt on 12/11/2005

 A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on
 it's final approach.  The pilot comes on the intercom,
 "This is your Captain.  We're on  our final descent into
 Toronto.  I want to thank you for flying with us today
 and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

 He forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole
 plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The
 copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna
 do in Toronto?"

 "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into
 the hotel and take a big crap..... then I'm gonna take
 that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.
 I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
 and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

 Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
 looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at
 the new stewardess.  Meanwhile, she is at the very back
 of the plane.  She's so embarrassed that she starts to
 run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

 Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag
 and down she goes.  The old lady leans over and says: "No
 need to hurry, dear.  He's gotta take a shit first."

Subj:     Concorde RC Plane (S975d)
..........From: Trending Hot on Facebook on 9/17/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/2ZeGylHqo7M
.....This RC bird is a thing of beauty. Modelled on the
.....Concorde, this sleek birdplane is powered by two real
.....turbo jet engines. Click 'HERE' to watch her fly.
Subj:     Flight Attendant Handles Angry Passenger (S27, S613b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 11/16/2003
      and From: hellgunner50 on 10/10/2008

 (Also see 'UA Agent's Quick Wit' in FACTS2)

 As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:

 During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport,
 a crowded United flight was cancelled.  A single agent
 was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
 Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
 He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
 "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."

 The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
 to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and
 I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

 The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that
 the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any
 idea who I am?"

 Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed
 her public address microphone. "May I have your attention
 please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
 terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
 NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
 identity, please come to the gate."

 With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
 the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth
 and swore, "F**k you."

 Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir,
 but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

 The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded
 loudly.  Although the flight was cancelled and people were
 late, they were no longer angry at United.
 Snopes.com labeled the above story a legend at their web
 site of http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnox.htm

Subj:     Kid Asks About Baby Planes (S22, S843)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: ginafm on 5/22/2009

 A mother and her son were flying TWA from Kansas to Chicago.
 The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
 mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
 have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son
 to ask the stewardess.  So the boy asked the stewardess,
 "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
 why don't big planes have baby planes?"

 The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
 He said that she had.  So she said, "Tell your mother that
 TWA always pulls out on time.  Your mother can explain it
 to you."

Subj:     Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane (S229)
          From: pns on 6/18/2001

 A man on a plane needed to go to the GENTS but every time he
 went, there was someone else using it.  After a while the
 flight attendant noticed his predicament and suggested he
 use the LADIES, but not to touch the buttons mounted on the

 He went in, took his seat and looking around the cubicle, he
 saw buttons marked thus:
                          COMFORT PANEL
                    (WW)                  (WA)
                          (PP)     (ATR)
 After a while his curiosity got the better of him, so he
 pressed (WW) and warm water washed his bottom.  This was a
 marvellous idea, so he pressed (WA) and warm air rushed out
 and dried his bottom.  Not to be outdone, he decided to
 press (PP) and out came a powder puff and powdered his
 bottom.  He thought the ladies really had it made for them
 so he pressed (ATR) and promptly passed out.

 Waking up later in hospital, he asked the nurse what happened
 and she said: "You pressed the (ATR) button, which means
 Automatic Tampon Remover, your penis is under your pillow and
 your balls are in the bucket under the bed!"

Subj:     Coming Home (S509)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/19/2006
 This story with pictures is so powerful, I cried.
 You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Man On Plane Sneezes (S311, S569c)
          From: KMACINTY on 5/16/2001
      and From: hellgunner50 on 12/12/2007

 A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an
 airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully.
 He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes
 out his willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts
 it back in and closes his zipper.

 The woman is shocked--but she thinks it wiser to not say
 anything about it.

 There is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one.  The
 same routine is followed: zipper open, willy out, wiping,
 willy in, and zipper closed.  The woman is almost sick
 but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.

 After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help
 but ask: "Excuse me, sir, but you have now sneezed three
 times.  And after each time you have taken out your penis
 and wiped it.  May I inquire why?"

 "Oh--you see Ma'am, every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."

 "But that's awful!  Do you take anything for it?"

 "Pepper," answered the man.

Subj:     Not Enough Parachutes (S156)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: octagon999 on 01/24/2000

 One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying
 somewhere above New Jersey.  There were five people on
 board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali
 Lama, and a hippie.

 Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in
 the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began
 to fill with smoke.  The cockpit door opened, and the
 pilot burst into the compartment.

 "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news.
 The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey.
 The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I
 have one of them!"  With that, the pilot threw open the
 door and jumped from the plane.

 Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash.  "Gentlemen,"
 he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete.  The world
 needs great athletes.  I think the world's greatest
 athlete should have a parachute!"  With these words, he
 grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled
 through the door and into the night.

 Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's
 smartest man.  The world needs smart men.  I think the
 world's smartest man should have a parachute, too."  He
 grabbed one, and out he jumped.

 The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another.
 Finally, the Dali Lama spoke.  "My son," he said, "I
 have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss
 of True Enlightenment.  You have your life ahead of you;
 you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

 The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry,
 pop.  The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing
 my backpack."

Subj:     Doctor And Minister On A Plane
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #184 on 97-08-28

 An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated
 next to each other on the plane.  The plane was delayed at
 the start due to some technical problems.  Just after taking
 off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and
 announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

 When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley,
 the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.  The hostess
 then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He
 replied, "Oh no,  thank you.  I would rather commit adultery
 than drink alcohol".

 The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to
 the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a

Subj:     Amazing Jet Plane Takeoff (S674d)
          From: Wimp.com on 12/11/2009
          Source: http://www.wimp.com/planetakeoff/

 This nine second video is amazing.  My military expert,
 Gilbert, explained to me that this picture was NOT amazing.
 He said "It's a sub missile launch with a jet picture super
 imposed over the missile.  Sorry I got taken by another
 internet fake.

 Click 'HERE' to see this video.

                           -(o o)-
..........................From Smiley_Central