Subj: Plane1 Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 24 jokes and articles)
Plane Flying Loops
from
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
| >>>
Subj: Plane1 Jokes (Gz) (Includes 24 jokes and articles) |
|
Plane Flying Loops from Badger's Animated GIF Gallery |
Also see ARABS file - 'Two
Terrorists Get Visas'
BARBER file - 'A
Vacation in Rome'
BIG_CATS - 'Shade'
BIRDS file - 'The
Penguin Game'
BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'FAA Test'
BIRDS-DUCKS - 'Ducks
Fly South (picture)'
BIRDS-PARROTS- 'A
Man And A Parrot On A Plane'
BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde
On An Airline'
......................-
'Blonde
On An Airline2'
BREASTS file - 'Metal-Free
Bras'
BUGS-ETC - 'Flea
Learns How To Get A Ride'
CATS1 file - 'Cat
Gets In Suitcase Before Flight'
CLINTON FILE - 'Clinton
And Falwell Travel On A Plane'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Balloon
Ride'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Strange
Plane Crash'
DRINKING - 'Airplane
Mechanics Get Drunk'
FACTS2 file - 'UA
Agent's Quick Wit'
FACTS4 file - 'Boeing
Employees Go Rafting'
......................-
'Marauding
Moose'
FRENCH file - 'Elderly
Man Arrives At DeGaulle Airport'
GAY file - 'Are
You Gay?'
.........HUNTING-CAMP
- 'Three
Hunters Fly In To Hunt'
.........IRISH2
file - 'Irish
Looses Luggage In Airport'
ITALIAN - 'French,
Italian, And American Discuss Sex w/Wives'
JEWISH1 file - 'A
Rabbi And A Korean On A Plane'
JEWISH-RABBI - 'Priest
And Rabbi On A Train'
KIDS2 file - 'Returning
Home To Kids'
MATH6 file - 'Oakland
Teacher Arrested'
NATIONAL2 - 'Congresswoman
Flies To Rhino, New York'
NUN2 file - 'A
Nun Flies To Chicago'
PILOT file - 'Plane
Needs Latrine Pumped'
......................-
'F-15
and C-130 Pilots Argue'
......................-
'Pilot
Turns Wrong Way While Taxing'
......................-
'A
Farmer, His Wife, And A Pilot'
......................-
'Frankdurt
Traffic Controllers'
......................-
'Blind
Man And His Dog On A Plane'
......................-
(see
whole file)
POLAND file - 'Terrible
Disaster'
POLICE1 file - 'Defective
Radar'
POLIT-BUSH - 'President
Bush Meets Moses'
POPE file - 'The
Pope Does A Crossword Puzzle'
PRIEST1 file - 'Bob
Hope's Wife And The Priests'
PROGRAMMER - 'Programmer
And Engineer Bet On Plane'
SHIT file - 'Dan
Rather Talks To Little Tommy On A Plane'
......................-
'Two
Airplane Passengers Talk'
SOLDIER1 - 'Decoy'
STORIES file - 'Two
Great Stories, Story One'
NEW_YORKER - 'World
Trade Center And Word'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
The Airplane And Grandma (S457b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/4/2005 |
 |
To view this cute, long, WMV movie on my web site click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Rules
For Frequent Flyers (S470b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/17/2006
No flight ever leaves on time
unless you are running late
and need the delay to make the
flight.
If you are running late for a
flight, it will depart from
the farthest gate within the
terminal.
If you arrive very early for
a flight, it inevitably will
be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight,
you will experience turbulence
as soon as you touch pen to
paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
Only passengers seated in window
seats ever have to get up
to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The less carryon luggage space
available on an aircraft, the
more carryon luggage passengers
will bring aboard.
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Subj: Welcoming
The Troops In Maine (S431)
From: RFSlick on 5/1/2005
(See 'The Best Commercial
Ever' in Soldier-Supp)
This is NOT a joke. It is a Tear Jerker True Story.
Los Angeles Times April 20, 2005 page 1
Welcome Stop For Warriors By Tony Perry, Times Staff Writer
Locals in Bangor, Maine, are
on a mission to greet every
military plane, at any time,
in any weather. Their tally so
far: 200,000 troops.
BANGOR, Maine - Tired and bleary-eyed,
Marines of the 1st
Battalion, 7th Regiment, based
at Twentynine Palms, Calif.,
were finally back on U.S. soil
after seven months on the
front lines in Iraq. But
they were still many miles and
hours from their families and
the homecoming they longed
for. Their officers told
them they would be on the ground
for 60 to 90 minutes while their
chartered plane was refueled.
So they disembarked and began
walking through the airport
terminal corridor to a small
waiting room.
That's when they heard the applause.
Lining the hall and
clapping were dozens of Bangor
residents who have set a
daunting task for themselves:
They want every Marine,
soldier, sailor and airman returning
through the tiny
international airport here to
get a hero's welcome.
Even if the planes arrive in
the middle of the night or a
blizzard, they are there.
Composed mostly from the
generation that served in World
War II and Korea, they
call themselves the Maine Troop
Greeters. They have met
every flight bringing troops
home from Iraq for nearly two
years - more than 1,000 flights
and nearly 200,000 troops.
"Here they come. Everybody get
ready," said Joyce Goodwin,
71, her voice full of excitement,
undiminished by the
hundreds of times she has shown
up to embrace the returning
troops.
As dozens more Marines came down
the corridor, the applause
grew louder and was accompanied
by handshakes, hugs, and a
stream of well wishes: "Welcome
home." "Thank you for your
service." "God bless you." "Thank
you for everything."
Faces brightened. Grouchiness
disappeared. Greeters and
Marines alike began taking photographs.
The Marines were
directed down a corridor decorated
with American flags and
red, white and blue posters
to cellphones for free calls to
family members. They found a
table with cookies and candies.
Plates of homemade fudge circulated.
"Welcome home, gunny," said Al
Dall, 74, who served in the
Marines during the Korean War,
as he thrust his hand at a
startled Gunnery Sgt. Edward
Parsons, 31, of Shelby, N.C.
"This is incredible," Parsons
said. "Now I know I'm really
back in the world."
The greeters line the corridor
both as the troops arrive
and then, minutes later, as
they return to their planes to
continue their journeys to Fort
Hood, Camp Pendleton and
other Army and Marine Corps
bases.
The airport gift store opens
early. T-shirts saying "I
Love Maine" are popular.
So are adult magazines. The
store takes military scrip from
troops low on cash,
even though there is no way
for the store to get reimbursed.
The airport bar does a brisk
business, selling Budweiser at
$3 a bottle. Some officers
have rules against their troops
consuming alcohol before a flight;
the commanding officer
of this battalion had no such
restriction, and the bar was
full of Marines laughing, singing,
and joking.
"We appreciate everything you've
done for us," said Bud
Tower, an Air Force veteran,
who, at 58, considers himself
"a kid" among the other greeters.
Kay Lebowitz, 89, has such severe
arthritis that she cannot
shake hands. So she hugs
every Marine and soldier she can.
Some of the larger, more exuberant
troops lift her off the
ground. "Many of them
tell me they can't wait to see their
grandmother," she said. "That's
what I am: a substitute
grandmother."
The greeters also turn out for
flights headed to Iraq, but
those are somber occasions.
The Marines on this flight were
returning from a lawless
stretch of desert along the
Syrian border, where they
dodged roadside bombs and sniper
fire on a daily basis.
"When the flights are going over,
it's heart-breaking,"
Lebowitz said. "But when they're
coming home, it's heart-
warming."
The core of the Maine Troop Greeters
is a dedicated group
of about 30 residents who have
a highly developed "telephone
tree" to get the word out about
impending arrivals. Their
numbers swell on weekends when
particular brigades are due
back, such as local National
Guard units. Families with
young children join in.
Most of the greeters support
the U.S. mission in Iraq, but
their goal is historic, not
political. Discussion of
politics is banned. The
greeters don't want America to
repeat what they consider a
shameful episode in history:
the indifference, even hostility,
that the public displayed
to troops returning from Vietnam.
"I think there's a lot of collective
guilt about the '60s,"
said greeter Dusty Fisher, 63,
a retired high school history
teacher now serving in the state
Legislature.
The airport in this city of 31,000
has a long runway and is
a refueling stop for many overseas
troop flights. The
terminal is a tidy, homey, two-story
structure with skylights
and floor-to-ceiling windows
that let in copious light. Above
the waiting room, a banner reads,
"Maine. The Way Life Should
Be."
Once the troops find seats, the
greeters fan out. Phillip
Eckert, 70, a bantam-sized ex-Marine
with an outsized
personality, likes to talk about
the "old Corps" and tell
stories of tough-as-nails sergeants
and crazy-brave officers
he knew from Korea. He
wears a red sweatshirt that says,
"Not As Lean, Not as Mean, But
Still A Marine." Eckert
leads Marines in raspy versions
of the Marine hymn. He
does his drill-instructor imitation:
"move it, Move It,
MOVE IT," he said in a mock-urgent
voice. "I whoop and
holler at the troops, and they
seem to like it, I guess,"
he said.
Jerry Mundy, 69, also a former
Marine, likes to dispense
mildly salty jokes. "My
lady friend just bought us one
of those king-size beds," he
said. "Trouble is that at
my age, after I finally find
her, I forget what for."
Others try a quieter approach.
Dall makes himself
available if the troops want
to talk about the traumas
of combat. "I've been there,
so I know what they've gone
through," he said. "I say, 'Forget
me, this is your time.'
I'm here if you need me."
Like the Marines, the greeters
have had casualties. Four
have died since the group started
meeting the planes in
May 2003. Marjorie Dean
suffered a fatal heart seizure
while she and her husband, Bill,
were on their way to
meet a late-night flight a year
ago. She was 79. Goodwin
missed three days of flights
when she was in the hospital
for heart surgery. "I
felt like I was in withdrawal,"
she said. "It was awful not
being able to be here for the
boys."
Bill Knight, 83, one of the group's
organizers, came to
the airport just hours after
his doctor told him that he
has advanced prostate cancer.
"It never occurred to me
not to come," said Knight, who
served in the Army and
Navy for three decades.
Francis Zelz, 81, who served
in the Navy during World
War II, said it is a point of
pride to respond even with
only a few minutes notice.
Many of the greeters were
part of a similar welcome-home
effort during the Persian
Gulf War. "You get a call
at 3 a.m. about a flight in
30 minutes, and you think about
staying in bed," Zelz
said. "Then you realize, no,
I can't do that. That
wouldn't be right."
Navy chaplain Lt. Cmdr. Robert
White, returning home
with the Marine unit to which
he was assigned, said
the Bangor welcome may prove
therapeutic. "They need
to feel good about themselves
and what they've been
through," White said.
Marine Lt. David Tumanjan, 24,
of Boise, Idaho, said
the Bangor greeting is both
humbling and gratifying.
"It shows us that what we did
wasn't in vain," he said.
The greeters say their payoff
is seeing the surprise
and smiles on the faces of the
troops. "Every flight
coming home makes it like Christmas
Eve," Tower said.
Don Guptill, 71, who served in
the Army in Korea,
listened as an enlisted Marine,
his eyes fixed on the
carpet, talked quietly about
being wounded three
times. As the call came
over the loudspeaker to
return to the plane, the young
Marine reluctantly
pulled something from his back
pocket. It was his
Purple Heart. "He said
he was embarrassed to wear
it," Guptill said. "I told him:
'You wear it. You
earned it. You wear it
for all the guys who didn't
make it home.' "
The Marines were barely gone
when the Maine Troop
Greeters began preparing for
the next flight. "It's
going to be a busy day for us,"
said Bill Dean, 70,
an Army veteran. "That feels
good."
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Subj: USAF
Squawks (S117, S512c)
From: KMacinty on 4/28/99
and
From: momndadac on 11/12/2006
"Squawks" are problems noted
by U. S. Air Force pilots and
left for maintenance crews to
fix before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance
complaints logged by those
Air Force pilots and the replies
from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem; (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire
almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left
inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except
auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed
on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping
prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage
normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers
lack
normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in
cockpit.
(S) Something tightened
in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on
right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably
loud.
(S) Volume set to more
believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude
hold mode produces a
200
fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems
on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative
in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause
throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're
there for.
(P) Number three engine
missing.
(S) Engine found on right
wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to
straighten up, "fly right,"
and
be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target
Radar with the words.
(P) Suspected crack in
windshield.
(S) Suspect you're right.
(P) Mouse in cockpit.
(S) Cat installed.
(P) Noise coming from under
instrument panel. Sounds
like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
(S) Took hammer away from
midget.
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Subj: Nervous
Passenger Carries A Bible (S117)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #299 on 4/26/99
There was a woman who had to
do a lot of traveling for her
firm, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very,
very nervous, so she always
took her Bible along with her
to read, as it helped her relax
a bit on the long flights.
On one flight, the man sitting
next to her gave a little
chuckle and smirk when he saw
her pull out her Bible, and
then he resumed perusing the
complimentary magazines. After
awhile, he turned to her and
asked, "You don't really believe
all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's Scripture."
He said, "Well, what about that
guy who was swallowed by
the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, you mean Jonah.
Yes, I believe that, it's
in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose
he survived all that time
inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't
really know. I guess when I
get to heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" The man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady sweetly.
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Subj: Plane
Hired To Fly Over Fire (S112, S479)
From: RFSlick on 3/21/99
and
From: darrell94590 on 3/21/2006
The photographer for a national
magazine was assigned to
get photos of a great forest
fire. Smoke at the scene was
too thick to get any good shots,
so he frantically called
his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at
the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small,
rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near
the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's
go! Let's go!" The pilot
swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the
fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low
level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!
I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!"
said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot
said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
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Subj: Two
Arabs And A Jew On A Plane (S103, S505b)
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-17
and
From: jbcary1 on 9/24/2006
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out
of Washington for New York.
One sat in the window seat,
the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat,
little Jewish guy got on and
took the aisle seat next to
the Arabs. He kicked off his
shoes, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab
in the window seat said, "I
think I'll go up and get a
Coke." (Shuttle flights
do not have cabin attendants, but
you probably knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll
get it for you." While
he was gone the Arab picked
up the Jew's shoe and spit in
it. The Jew brought back
the coke, when the other Arab said
"That looks good. Think
I'll have one too." Again, the Jew
obligingly goes to fetch it,
and while he is gone the Arab
picks up the other shoe and
spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke,
and they all sit back and
enjoy the short flight.
When the plane was landing the Jew
slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what
had happened. "How long
must this go on?" he asked. "This
enmity between our peoples...
this hatred... your spitting
in my shoes and me pissing in
your Coke?"
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Subj: Stealth,
Night Before Christmas
From: smiles on 98-12-11
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic
eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in
ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced
in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each
SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant linked
to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage
so dense,
That nothing that flew could
slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose
such a clatter,
I dashed to the screen to see
what was the matter,
I dialed up the gain and then
quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to
damp out the hash.
And there found the source of
the warning we'd heeded,
An incoming blip, by eight escorts
preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the
word down the wire,
As we gave every system the
codes that meant "FIRE"!
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx
and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters let's
send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles!
Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call
the National Guard!
They turned toward the target,
moved toward it, converged,
Till the tracks on the radar
all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with
a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the
high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to
look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both
on land and on sea,
Were some toys, a red hat, a
charred left leather boot,
Broken sleighbells, white hair,
and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas,
with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each
village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas
can't hope to evade,
All the web of defenses we've
carefully made.
Just look how the gadgets we
use to protect us,
In other ways alter, transform,
and affect us.
They keep us from things that
make life more worth living,
Like love for each other, and
thoughts of just giving.
But a crash program's on: Working
hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing
a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas,
in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's
coming by stealth!
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Subj: Sometimes
Life Is Fair (S83)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-29
On a British Airways flight from
Johannesburg, a middle-aged,
well-off white South African
lady had found herself sitting
next to a black man. She
called the cabin crew attendant
over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've
sat me next to a kafir.
I can't possibly sit next to
this disgusting human. Find
me another seat!
"Please calm down, Madam." the
stewardess replied. "The
flight is very full today, but
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll go and check to see if
we have any seats available in
club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look
at the outraged black man
beside her (not to mention many
of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess
returns with the good news,
which she delivers to the lady,
who cannot help but look at
the people around her with a
smug and self-satisfied grin.
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected,
economy is full. I've
spoken to the cabin services
director, and club is also full.
However, we do have one seat
in first class." Before the lady
has a chance to answer, the
stewardess continues: "It is most
extraordinary to make this kind
of upgrade, however, and I
have had to get special permission
from the captain. But,
given the circumstances, the
captain felt that it was outrageous
that someone should be forced
to sit next such an obnoxious
person."
With that, she turned to the
black man and said, "So if you'd
like to get your things, Sir,
I have your first class seat
ready for you." At which
point, the surrounding passengers
stood and gave a standing ovation
while the man walked to the
front of the plane.
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Subj: Planes
Engines Explode
From: humorlist-digest V2 #98 on 98-04-20
While cruising at 40,000 feet,
the airplane shuddered and Mr.
Benson looked out the window.
"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats
and came running over;
suddenly the aircraft was rocked
by a second blast as yet
another engine exploded on the
other side.
The passengers were in a panic
now, and even the stewardesses
couldn't maintain order. Just
then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode
from the cockpit and assured
everyone that there was nothing
to worry about. His words and
his demeanor seemed made most
of the passengers feel better,
and they sat down as the pilot
calmly walked to the door of
the aircraft. There, he grabbed
several packages from under
the seats and began handing
them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I
thought you said there was nothing
to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot
as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."
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 |
Subj:
Angel Decoy (S430)
From: LABLaughsClean20050426 on 4/26/2005 |
These are photos of an Air Force
C-130 releasing flares to
repel heat-seeking Missiles.
The pattern formed by these
"decoys" are how they got their
name . . . . Angel decoy.
It's absolutely awesome!
Maneuvers are usually in remote
areas and over water,
therefore the general public
does not get to view these
exercises.
To view these photos, click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Airline
Shuffle
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
During the "rush hour" at Houston's
Hobby Airport, my flight
was delayed due to a mechanical
problem. Since they needed
the gate for another flight,
the aircraft was backed away
from the gate while the maintenance
crew worked on it. We
were then told the new gate
number, which was some distance
away.
Everyone moved to the new gate,
only to find that a third
gate had been designated for
us. After some further shuffling,
everyone got on board, and as
we were settling in, the flight
attendant made the standard
announcement,
"We apologize for the inconvenience
of this last-minute gate
change. This flight is
going to Washington, D.C. If your
destination is not Washington,
D.C., then you should 'deplane'
at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced
pilot emerged from the
cockpit, carrying his bags.
"Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
A true story.
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Subj: Last
Wish Before A Plane Crash (S52, S574)
From: woneye on 4/9/2003
and
From: ginafm on 1/12/2008
(Also see
'Man
And Woman In Falling Elevator' in WOMEN1)
A passenger plane on a cross
the country trip runs into a
terrible storm. The plane
gets pounded by rain, hail, wind
and lightening. The passengers
are screaming. They are
sure the plane is going to crash
and they are all going to
die.
At the height of the storm, a
young woman jumps up and
exclaims, "I can't take this
anymore! I can't just sit
here and die like an animal,
strapped into a chair. If I
am going to die, let me die
feeling like a woman. Is there
anyone here man enough to make
me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up in the rear of
the plane. "I can make you
feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built,
with flowing black hair and
jet black eyes, he starts to
walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt one button
at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily
in anticipation as the strange
man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles
ripple across his chest as
he reaches her, and extends
the arm holding his shirt to
the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this. Then get
me a beer."
\\\//
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Subj: Pilot
Speaks With Mike Open (S47)
(Also see 'Sexist
professor' in COLLEGE1)
A (supposedly) true story:
A friend of a guy in the Nutrition
School at Tufts was one
of the lucky passengers onboard
a Northwest Airlines flight
to Boston during our recent
hurricane "Bob". The captain
did his best to skirt the edge
of the storm, but it was a
pretty rough ride just the same
- rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered
to strap themselves into
their seats for about half an
hour, and many of the
passengers were putting the
little plastic-lined bags in
their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence
finally abated, the flight attendants
unbuckled themselves,
and the captain's voice came
on over the intercom.
"Well, folks, that was quite
some ride, wasn't it?' But
we came through it fine, just
the way we always do, and
I'm happy to report that it
looks like the remainder of
our trip should be much calmer.
On behalf of myself and
today's flight crew, I'd like
to thank you very much for
your calmness and cooperation,
and extend our best wishes
for a pleasant stay in Boston.
?after a short pause and several clicks>
"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin'
ride! Boy - I sure could
use a cup of good strong coffee
and a blow job, right
about now"
As a stricken stewardess dashed
up the aisle to the cabin
to inform the captain that his
intercom was still on, one
of the passengers called after
her, "Don't forget the coffee!
\\\//
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Subj: Pilot
Speaks With Mike Open II (S267b, S464)
From: coreymac on 3/14/2002
and
From: DoctorDebt on 12/11/2005
A jumbo jet is just coming into
the Toronto Airport on
it's final approach. The
pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain.
We're on our final descent into
Toronto. I want to thank
you for flying with us today
and I hope you enjoy your stay
in Toronto".
He forgets to switch off the
intercom. Now the whole
plane can hear his conversation
from the cockpit. The
copilot says to the pilot, "Well,
skipper, watcha gonna
do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first
I'm gonna check into
the hotel and take a big crap.....
then I'm gonna take
that new stewardess with the
huge tits out for dinner.
I'm gonna wine and dine her,
take her back to my room
and give her a ride on the baloney
pony all night long."
Everyone on the plane hears this
and immediately begins
looking up and down the isles
trying to get a look at
the new stewardess. Meanwhile,
she is at the very back
of the plane. She's so
embarrassed that she starts to
run to try and get to the cockpit
to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips
over an old lady's bag
and down she goes. The
old lady leans over and says: "No
need to hurry, dear. He's
gotta take a shit first."
\\\//
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Subj: Flight
Attendant Handles Angry Passenger (S27, S357)
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
and
From: Imogenelumen on 11/16/2003
(Also see 'UA Agent's
Quick Wit' in FACTS2)
As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:
During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport,
a crowded United flight was
cancelled. A single agent
was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on
the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight
and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry,
sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and
I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could
hear, "Do you have any
idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate
agent smiled and grabbed
her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention
please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger
here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone
can help him find his
identity, please come to the
gate."
With the folks behind him in
line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United
agent, gritted his teeth
and swore, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled
and said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to stand in
line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people
in the terminal applauded
loudly. Although the flight
was cancelled and people were
late, they were no longer angry
at United.
Snopes.com labeled the above
story a legend at their web
site of http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnox.htm
\\\//
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Subj: Kid
Asks About Baby Planes (S22)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
A mother and her son were flying
TWA from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking
out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think
of an answer) told her son
to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess,
"If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your
mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that she had.
So she said, "Tell your mother that
TWA always pulls out on time.
Your mother can explain it
to you."
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Goes To Bathroom On A Plane (S229)
From: pns on 6/18/2001
A man on a plane needed to go
to the GENTS but every time he
went, there was someone else
using it. After a while the
flight attendant noticed his
predicament and suggested he
use the LADIES, but not to touch
the buttons mounted on the
wall.
He went in, took his seat and
looking around the cubicle, he
saw buttons marked thus:
COMFORT PANEL
(WW)
(WA)
(PP) (ATR)
After a while his curiosity
got the better of him, so he
pressed (WW) and warm water
washed his bottom. This was a
marvellous idea, so he pressed
(WA) and warm air rushed out
and dried his bottom.
Not to be outdone, he decided to
press (PP) and out came a powder
puff and powdered his
bottom. He thought the
ladies really had it made for them
so he pressed (ATR) and promptly
passed out.
Waking up later in hospital,
he asked the nurse what happened
and she said: "You pressed the
(ATR) button, which means
Automatic Tampon Remover, your
penis is under your pillow and
your balls are in the bucket
under the bed!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Meets Lady Lecturer On Plane (S220b)
From: RFSlick on 2/20/2001
A man boards an airplane and
takes his seat. As he settles
in, he glances up and sees a
very beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes
she is heading straight towards
his seat. Lo and behold,
she takes the seat right beside
his. Eager to strike up
a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business.
I'm going to the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention
in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here
is the most gorgeous woman he has
ever seen, sitting next to him
and she's going to a meeting
of nymphomaniacs! Struggling
to maintain his composure, he
calmly asks, "What's your business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says, "I use
my experience to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular
myth is that African-
American men are the most well
endowed when, in fact, it's
the Native-American Indian who
is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular
myth is that French men are
the best lovers, when actually
it is the men of Jewish
descent. However, we have found
that the best potential
lover in all categories is the
Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a
little uncomfortable and
blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,
"I shouldn't be discussing
this with you, I don't even
know your name!"
"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto
Goldstein!....But my friends
call me 'Bubba.'"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
On Plane Sneezes (S311, S569c)
From: KMACINTY on 5/16/2001
and
From: hellgunner50 on 12/12/2007
A man and a woman are sitting
next to each other in an
airplane. All of a sudden, the
man sneezes powerfully.
He takes out his handkerchief,
opens his zipper, takes
out his willy and after having
carefully wiped it, puts
it back in and closes his zipper.
The woman is shocked--but she
thinks it wiser to not say
anything about it.
There is a second sneeze, as
loud as the first one. The
same routine is followed: zipper
open, willy out, wiping,
willy in, and zipper closed.
The woman is almost sick
but she just tries to ignore
the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the
routine) she cannot help
but ask: "Excuse me, sir, but
you have now sneezed three
times. And after each
time you have taken out your penis
and wiped it. May I inquire
why?"
"Oh--you see Ma'am, every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."
"But that's awful! Do you take anything for it?"
"Pepper," answered the man.
\\\//
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Subj: Not
Enough Parachutes (S156)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and
From: octagon999 on 01/24/2000
One night, a Delta twin-engine
puddle jumper was flying
somewhere above New Jersey.
There were five people on
board: the pilot, Michael Jordan,
Bill Gates, the Dali
Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in
the luggage compartment, and
the passenger cabin began
to fill with smoke. The
cockpit door opened, and the
pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have
good news and bad news.
The bad news is that we're about
to crash in New Jersey.
The good news is that there
are four parachutes, and I
have one of them!" With
that, the pilot threw open the
door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet
in a flash. "Gentlemen,"
he said, "I am the world's greatest
athlete. The world
needs great athletes.
I think the world's greatest
athlete should have a parachute!"
With these words, he
grabbed one of the remaining
parachutes, and hurtled
through the door and into the
night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen,
I am the world's
smartest man. The world
needs smart men. I think the
world's smartest man should
have a parachute, too." He
grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie
looked at one another.
Finally, the Dali Lama spoke.
"My son," he said, "I
have lived a satisfying life
and have known the bliss
of True Enlightenment.
You have your life ahead of you;
you take a parachute, and I
will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and
said, "Hey, don't worry,
pop. The world's smartest
man just jumped out wearing
my backpack."
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor
And Minister On A Plane
From: humorlist-digest V1 #184 on 97-08-28
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian
minister were seated
next to each other on the plane.
The plane was delayed at
the start due to some technical
problems. Just after taking
off, the pilot offered his apologies
to the passengers and
announced that a round of free
drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess
came round with the trolley,
the doctor ordered a gin and
tonic for himself. The hostess
then asked the minister whether
he wanted anything. He
replied, "Oh no, thank
you. I would rather commit adultery
than drink alcohol".
The elderly doctor promptly handed
back his gin and tonic to
the air-hostess said, "Madam,
I did not know there was a
choice."
\\\//
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Subj: Did
We Land Or Were We Shot Down?
From: Octagon999 on 97-12-23
An airline pilot wrote that on
this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline
had a policy, which required
the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment,
but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off
except for one little old lady
walking with a cane. She
approached and asked, comspiratorially,
"Sonny, mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
\\\//
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| Subj:
Coming Home (S509)
From: darrell94590 on 10/19/2006 |
 |
This story with pictures is so
powerful, I cried. You can
view it on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley at the Airport from
Smiley_Central |