Subj: Polit-ClintonScandal2 Jokes
(Includes 31 jokes and articles, 06959,3,cf,wXT,0)
Animated GIFs Collection
Subj: Bill Clinton Flirts (S959)
From: tom on 6/2/2015
Clinton Got A Blowjob - Video (S534d)
From: sfo_piloton 4/16/2007 (in Movies)
I generally won't put out something
that is this blatantly
political, but this video is very funny. You can view it
at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Buying Titanic Or My Life (S397b)
From: JokesUncut on 8/30/2004
PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy?
"The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?
Titanic: $29.99: Over 3 hours
Clinton: $29.99: Over 3 hours to read.
Titanic: The story of Jack and
Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys
a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's
dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack
for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a
vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... oooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ...
basically the same thing ;-)
Subj: Bill And Hillary's 30th Anniversary (S337)
From: tadams96 7/9/2003
(Also see 'Marriage And Eggs' in MARRIAGE1)
When Bill and Hillary first got
married Bill said, "I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to
look in it".
In all their 30 years of marriage,
Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer
cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that
she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for
a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity
and she confessed, saying, " I am so sorry. For all these
years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I
gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the three
beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and
said, " I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaith-
ful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed
to remind myself not to do it again. "
Hillary was shocked, but said,
" Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and
Monica. I am disappointed and saddened by your behavior.
However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does
happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering
Bill thanked her for being so
understanding. They hugged
and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked
Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box ?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever
the box filled up with empty
cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them
for cash !"
Thomas A. Adams
People will forget what you said...
People will forget what you did...
But people will never forget how you made them feel.
Subj: Monica Meets Genie (S233)
From: RFSlick on 7/19/2001
Monica Lewinsky was walking on
the beach when she found a
lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it
and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three
wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have
been very bad this year,
and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I
don't need fame, because I
have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.
And I don't need money, because after I write my book,
and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could
ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles,
Yes, that's it! ! , for my one
wish, I would like my
love handles removed."
And just like that... her ears were gone.
Subj: Bill Clinton's Retirement Plans (S220b)
From: ICohen on 4/17/2001
1. Spend more time with Chelsea
and her half brothers and
2. Tour the nations prisons
to improve conditions. Visit
friends while there.
3. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History".
4. Buy a Hooters franchise.
5. Catch up on eight years stack of "Penthouse."
6. Search for a new outlet for
well-developed lying and
7. Continue work, counseling interns.
8. Stop using fake names in personal ads.
9. Take little Buddy out three
times a day....
also walk the dog.
10. Get to know those Gore girls better.
Subj: Dr. Seuss and Clinton (S193)
From: KMACINTY on 10/11/00
If Dr. Seuss had been President
Clinton's lawyer, his
deposition might have read something like this:
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round, but could not catch her.
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife
Now, that Miss Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me, Mr. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me.
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, Do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, ever did inhale
Subj: Clinton Meets the Pope (S185)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/14/2000
During his visit to the United
States, the Pope met with
President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the
meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President
Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and
announced the summit was a
resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of
the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was
going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope
came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked,
"But your Holiness, President
Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the
two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered,
"Yes, but we were talking about
the Ten Commandments."
Subj: Chelsea Clinton Returns From College (S178)
Chelsea Clinton went off to college
and came back home for
the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter
and pressed her for information about college.
"So, are you enjoying college,
dear?" she asked. Chelsea
"And are there boys in college?"
Hillary questioned. Once
again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Hillary, unable to resist and
curious about her daughter's
activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with
Chelsea burst out laughing.
After a moment, she straightened,
stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."
Subj: Five Commercials Aired During Lewinsky/Walters Interview (S113)
From: smiles on 3/26/99
Yes, these really did air during the interview.
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song :
"It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following
voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most
powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually
has the power to remove stains!"
Subj: Clinton's Trial In The Senate By Dave Barry (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #23 99-01-26
Hear ye, hear ye: Get an aye-ful
of Clinton's trial in the
SERGEANT AT ARMS: Hear ye! Hear
ye! Hear ye! All persons
shut up and pay attention for the trial of the impeachment
of the president of the United States, William Jefferson
Clinton, on charges of messing around! No chewing of gum!
SEN. LOTT: At this time, in accordance
with the United States
Senate Big Book O' Rules, Sen. Thurmond shall swear in the
Chief Justice of the United States.
SEN. THURMOND: Raise your right hand.
(The Chief Justice raises his hand.)
SEN. THURMOND: (whispering to
Sen. Lott): Why is he raising
SEN LOTT: You told him to.
SEN. THURMOND: I told WHO to?
SEN LOTT: The Chief Justice.
SEN. THURMOND: Well, that's different.
(To the Chief Justice:)
Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but
the truth, until death do you part?
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: I do.
SEN. THURMOND: You do WHAT?
SEN LOTT: At this time, the Chief
Justice shall administer the
Oath Of Solemn Swearing to all senators hereintofore present.
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: Do you solemnly
swear that in all things
appertaining to and in pursuance of the trial of the impeachment
of William James Madison Clinton, cross your heart and hope
to die, including engine and transmission for three years or
30,000 miles, whichever comes first?
SENATORS: I do.
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: At this time,
the Chairman of the House
Judiciary Committee shall present the Articles of Impeachment
of President Abraham Lincoln Clinton.
REP. HYDE (presenting the articles): Check out these babies.
SEN. KENNEDY: Does anybody want that cigar?
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The articles
of impeachment of President
William Woodrow Wilson having been presented, the Majority
Leader and the Minority Leader shall now proceed with the
Choosing Of Who Goes First.
SEN LOTT and SEN. DASCHLE: Once, twice, three ... shoot!
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair
observes that the Minority
Leader made a rock and the Majority Leader made paper. The
Chair rules that paper beats rock.
SEN. DASCHLE: I didn't make a rock! I made a crab!
SEN LOTT: Objection! This is
Rock, Paper, Scissors! You
can't make a crab!
SEN. DASCHLE: Yes I can! Look! He's waving his claws!
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair
rules that paper beats crab. The
prosecution shall proceed.
REP. HYDE: For its first witness,
the prosecution calls to
the stand White House aide Sidney Blumenthal. Mr. Blumenthal,
please state your name.
MR. BLUMENTHAL: I don't recall.
SEN. THURMOND: Me either.
REP. HYDE: Mr. Blumenthal, would
it be fair to state that you
remind a lot of people of some kind of burrowing carnivore?
PERRY MASON: Objection, your honor! He's badgering the witness!
REP. HYDE: I'll withdraw the
question. The prosecution calls
as its next witness Monica S. Lewinsky. Miss Lewinsky, on the
evening of Nov. 15, 1995, did you go to the White House wearing
"thong" style underwear?
MISS LEWINSKY: Yes.
REP. HYDE: And are these the underwear in question?
PERRY MASON: Objection! He's wearing them backward!
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair will allow it.
REP. HYDE: And while you were
thus bethonged, Miss Lewinsky,
did the president, William Baines Johnson, to your knowledge,
commit a high crime or misdemeanor or take some form of gander?
SEN. THURMOND: Are we voting on Barbecue Safety Awareness Week?
REP. HYDE: Not right now.
SEN. THURMOND: Good, because I'm against it.
MISS LEWINSKY: Yes.
REP. HYDE: Yes WHAT?
MISS LEWINSKY: I don't recall.
SEN. THURMOND: Or maybe I'm for it.
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: You know,
The Chair has been thinking, and
The Chair is starting to wonder if maybe crab beats paper,
after all. Because the crab could EAT the paper, right? Is
The Chair right?
SEN. LOTT: How come you always refer to yourself as "The Chair?"
THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair
doesn't know; The Chair just
always has. Even as a child, The Chair would tell its mother,
"Wah! The Chair wants a bottle!" Speaking of which, The Chair
could eat a horse. All in favor of lunch say "Aye."
SEN. THURMOND: You may now kiss the bride.
SEN. KENNEDY: This thing tastes TERRIBLE.
Subj: Short ClintonScandal Jokes
Hillary For President Bumper Sticker
From: aldavito on 1/19/2008 (S575)
This politically incorrect bumper sticker is
Subj: Nixon And Clinton (S434)
From: jbcary1 on 5/23/2005
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose
name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second was William Jefferson Clinton. Please don't
tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!
Subj: Clinton As A Black (S379)
From: Imogenelumen on 4/30/2004
There was a black comedian on Canadian TV who said he
misses Bill Clinton: "Yep, that's right--I miss Bill
Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to
having a black man as President".
Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now. Look at him...his wife works, and he don't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Subj: Hillary Is Lying In Bed ..... (S177)
From: RFSlick on 6/22/00
Hillary is lying in bed wide-eyed one night, and starts
poking Bill in the back.
"Wake up," she says."
Bill just turns over and groans.
Again, she pokes him the back and says, "Bill, wake up!"
"What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.
"I'm going to the bathroom," she says
"You woke me up just to tell me your going to the bathroom?"
"No," Hillary says. "I want you
to save my place."
Subj: Run Hillary Run (S130)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/23/99
It was recently reported that "Run Hillary Run!" bumper
stickers are very popular in New York. Democrats put
them on their rear bumpers - Republicans put them on the
Subj: Army's Rapid Strike Force (S113)
From: ossama on 3/22/99
The Army is creating rapid strike forces. They would be
able to hit anywhere in the world less than one hour after
a presidential scandal breaks. (Daily Scoop)
Subj: ClintonScandal Jokes (S190, 271b)
From: ICohen on 9/20/00
and From: JBCARY1 on 4/10/2002
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week
have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era.
It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
Arkansas is very proud of Bill
All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!
Warning! The center for Disease Control
in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today the President has
proven that you CAN get sex from aides!
Jennifer Flowers was asked if
her relationship with Bill
Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair.
She supposedly replied, "Close but no cigar."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/24/2001 (S234)
Q: Do you think that Gary Condit's behavior
is comparable to Bill Clinton's?
A: Close but no cigar.
The FBI has coined a technical
term for the stains found
on Monica's dress: "Presidue"
President Clinton now only recruits
interns from only four
colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State, and Brigham
Did you know that Bill Clinton
is considering changing the
Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it
represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a
false sense of security while you are being screwed.
From: FrankRoesc on 5/7/99 (S118)
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford
Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
From: real bumper sticker seen on 7/19/99
Clinton thinks Monica has the
cutest face he has come across.
From: KMacinty on 01/25/2000 (S156)
Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her
miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss): "I've learned not to
put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where
he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how
bad it is. -- Barbara Bush
From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/23/2004
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/8/2005 (S437b)
Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A: Because he likes to bend pages.
Q: What's the difference between
Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!