>>> Subj:     Polit-ClintonScandal2 Jokes (d3b)                  (Includes 30 jokes and articles)

Clinton's Picture from Animated GIFs Collection

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Subj:     Clinton Got A Blowjob - Video (S534)           From: sfo_pilot           on 4/16/2007 (in Movies)

 Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAVI16FSjxU

 I generally won't put out something that is this blatantly
 political, but this video is very funny.  You can view it
 at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Buying Titanic Or My Life (S397b)
          From: JokesUncut on 8/30/2004

 PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy?

 "The Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?

 Titanic: $29.99: Over 3 hours to read.
 Clinton: $29.99: Over 3 hours to read.

 Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
          and subsequent catastrophe.
 Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
          and subsequent catastrophe.

 Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
 Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

 Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
 Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

 Titanic: During an ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
 Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

 Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
 Clinton: Let's not go there.

 Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
 Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

 Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
 Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

 Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
 Clinton: Monica... oooh, let's not go there, either.

 Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
 Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary ...
          basically the same thing  ;-)

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Subj:     Bill ? Hillary's 30th Anniversary (S337)
          From: tadams96 7/9/2003
          (Also see 'Marriage And Eggs' in MARRIAGE1)

 When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am
 putting a box under the bed.  You must promise never to
 look in it".

 In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
 However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity
 got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

 In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
 She closed the box and put it back under the bed.  Now that
 she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
 why there even was such a box with such contents.

 That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
 After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity
 and she confessed, saying, " I am so sorry.  For all these
 years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
 our bed.  However, today the temptation was too much and I
 gave in.  But now I need to know, why do you keep the three
 beer cans in the box ?"

 Bill thought for a while and said, " I guess after all these
 years you deserve to know the truth.  Whenever I was unfaith-
 ful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed
 to remind myself not to do it again. "

 Hillary was shocked, but said, " Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and
 Monica.  I am disappointed and saddened by your behavior.
 However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does
 happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering
 your problem."

 Bill thanked her for being so understanding.  They hugged
 and made their peace.  A little while later Hillary asked
 Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box ?"

 Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty
 cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them
 for cash !"
 

 Thomas A. Adams

 People will forget what you said...
 People will forget what you did...
 But people will never forget how you made them feel.

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Subj:     Monica Meets Genie (S233)
          From: RFSlick on 7/19/2001

 Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a
 lantern washed up on the shore.  She started to rub it
 and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three
 wishes!" she exclaimed.

 "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year,
 and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

 "Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I
 have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.
 And I don't need money, because after I write my book,
 and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could
 ever want.  I would like to get rid of these love handles,
 though.

 Yes, that's it! ! , for my one wish, I would like my
 love handles removed."

 "Poof!"

 And just like that... her ears were gone.

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Subj:     Bill Clinton's Retirement Plans (S220b)
          From: ICohen on 4/17/2001

  1. Spend more time with Chelsea and her half brothers and
     sisters.

  2. Tour the nations prisons to improve conditions.  Visit
     friends while there.

  3. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History".

  4. Buy a Hooters franchise.

  5. Catch up on eight years stack of "Penthouse."

  6. Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and
     cheating skills.

  7. Continue work, counseling interns.

  8. Stop using fake names in personal ads.

  9. Take little Buddy out three times a day....
     also walk the dog.

 10. Get to know those Gore girls better.

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Subj:     Dr. Seuss and Clinton (S193)
          From: KMACINTY on 10/11/00

 If Dr. Seuss had been President Clinton's lawyer, his
 deposition might have read something like this:

 I did not do it in a car
 I did not do it in a bar
 I did not do it in the dark
 I did not do it in the park
 I did not do it on a date
 I did not ever fornicate
 I did not do it at a dance
 I did not do it in her pants
 I did not get beyond first base
 I did not do it in her face
 I never did it in a bed
 If you think that, you've been misled
 I did not do it with a groan
 I did not do it on the phone
 I did not cause her dress to stain
 While talking to Saddam Hussein
 I did not do it with a whip
 I did not fondle Linda Tripp
 I never acted really silly
 With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
 There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
 I chased her round, but could not catch her.
 No kinky stuff, not on your life
 I would not, could not, with my wife
 Now, that Miss Flowers' tale of woes
 Was paid for by my right-wing foes
 And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
 Are just a bunch of party poopers
 I did not ask my friends to lie
 And then just hang them out to dry
 I did not do it last November
 And if I did, I don't remember
 I did not do it in the hall
 I could have, but I don't recall
 There was no sex at Arlington
 There was no sex on Air Force One
 I might have copped a little feel
 And then endeavored to conceal
 But never did these things so lewd
 At least not ever in the nude
 These things to which I have confessed
 They do not count if we stayed dressed
 I never used that big cigar
 You must believe me, Mr. Starr
 I did not know this little sin
 Would be retold on CNN
 I broke some rules my mama taught me
 I tried to hide, but now you've caught me.
 But I implore, I do beseech
 Do not condemn, Do not impeach
 I might have got a little tail
 But never, ever did inhale

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Subj:     Clinton Meets the Pope (S185)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 08/14/2000

 During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with
 President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the
 meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President
 Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

 The President was smiling and announced the summit was a
 resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of
 the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was
 going home to the White House to be with his family.

 A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
 He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears.
 Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

 Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President
 Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the
 two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

 Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about
 the Ten Commandments."

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Subj:     Chelsea Clinton Returns From College (S178)

 Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for
 the holidays.  Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter
 and pressed her for information about college.

 "So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.  Chelsea
 nodded  vigorously.

 "And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.  Once
 again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

 Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's
 activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with
 these boys?"

 Chelsea burst out laughing.  After a moment, she straightened,
 stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."

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Subj: Five Commercials Aired During Lewinsky/Walters Interview (S113)
      From: smiles on 3/26/99

  Yes, these really did air during the interview.

  5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
  4. Burger King - featuring the song :
         "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
  3. Oral-B Deluxe.
  2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following
     voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most
     powerful leader in the world."
  1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually
      has the power to remove stains!"

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Subj:     Clinton's Trial In The Senate By Dave Barry (DU)
          From: humorlist-digest V3 #23 99-01-26

 Hear ye, hear ye: Get an aye-ful of Clinton's trial in the
 Senate

 SERGEANT AT ARMS: Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!  All persons
 shut up and pay attention for the trial of the impeachment
 of the president of the United States, William Jefferson
 Clinton, on charges of messing around!  No chewing of gum!

 SEN. LOTT: At this time, in accordance with the United States
 Senate Big Book O' Rules, Sen. Thurmond shall swear in the
 Chief Justice of the United States.

 SEN. THURMOND: Raise your right hand.

 (The Chief Justice raises his hand.)

 SEN. THURMOND: (whispering to Sen. Lott): Why is he raising
 his hand?

 SEN LOTT: You told him to.

 SEN. THURMOND: I told WHO to?

 SEN LOTT: The Chief Justice.

 SEN. THURMOND: Well, that's different. (To the Chief Justice:)
 Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but
 the truth, until death do you part?

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: I do.

 SEN. THURMOND: You do WHAT?

 SEN LOTT: At this time, the Chief Justice shall administer the
 Oath Of Solemn Swearing to all senators hereintofore present.

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: Do you solemnly swear that in all things
 appertaining to and in pursuance of the trial of the impeachment
 of William James Madison Clinton, cross your heart and hope
 to die, including engine and transmission for three years or
 30,000 miles, whichever comes first?

 SENATORS: I do.

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: At this time, the Chairman of the House
 Judiciary Committee shall present the Articles of Impeachment
 of President Abraham Lincoln Clinton.

 REP. HYDE (presenting the articles): Check out these babies.

 SENATORS: Whoa.

 SEN. KENNEDY: Does anybody want that cigar?

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The articles of impeachment of President
 William Woodrow Wilson having been presented, the Majority
 Leader and the Minority Leader shall now proceed with the
 Choosing Of Who Goes First.

 SEN LOTT and SEN. DASCHLE: Once, twice, three ... shoot!

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair observes that the Minority
 Leader made a rock and the Majority Leader made paper.  The
 Chair rules that paper beats rock.

 SEN. DASCHLE: I didn't make a rock! I made a crab!

 SEN LOTT: Objection! This is Rock, Paper, Scissors!  You
 can't make a crab!

 SEN. DASCHLE: Yes I can! Look! He's waving his claws!

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair rules that paper beats crab. The
 prosecution shall proceed.

 REP. HYDE: For its first witness, the prosecution calls to
 the stand White House aide Sidney Blumenthal. Mr. Blumenthal,
 please state your name.

 MR. BLUMENTHAL: I don't recall.

 SEN. THURMOND: Me either.

 REP. HYDE: Mr. Blumenthal, would it be fair to state that you
 remind a lot of people of some kind of burrowing carnivore?

 PERRY MASON: Objection, your honor! He's badgering the witness!

 REP. HYDE: I'll withdraw the question. The prosecution calls
 as its next witness Monica S. Lewinsky. Miss Lewinsky, on the
 evening of Nov. 15, 1995, did you go to the White House wearing
 "thong" style underwear?

 MISS LEWINSKY: Yes.

 REP. HYDE: And are these the underwear in question?

 PERRY MASON: Objection! He's wearing them backward!

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair will allow it.

 REP. HYDE: And while you were thus bethonged, Miss Lewinsky,
 did the president, William Baines Johnson, to your knowledge,
 commit a high crime or misdemeanor or take some form of gander?

 SEN. THURMOND: Are we voting on Barbecue Safety Awareness Week?

 REP. HYDE: Not right now.

 SEN. THURMOND: Good, because I'm against it.

 MISS LEWINSKY: Yes.

 REP. HYDE: Yes WHAT?

 MISS LEWINSKY: I don't recall.

 SEN. THURMOND: Or maybe I'm for it.

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: You know, The Chair has been thinking, and
 The Chair is starting to wonder if maybe crab beats paper,
 after all.  Because the crab could EAT the paper, right?  Is
 The Chair right?

 SEN. LOTT: How come you always refer to yourself as "The Chair?"

 THE CHIEF JUSTICE: The Chair doesn't know; The Chair just
 always has.  Even as a child, The Chair would tell its mother,
 "Wah!  The Chair wants a bottle!" Speaking of which, The Chair
 could eat a horse. All in favor of lunch say "Aye."

 SENATORS: Aye!

 SEN. THURMOND: You may now kiss the bride.

 SEN. KENNEDY: This thing tastes TERRIBLE.

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Subj:     Short ClintonScandal Jokes

Top

Subj:    Hillary For President Bumper Sticker (S575)          From: aldavito          on 1/19/2008

 This politically incorrect bumper sticker is very funny.
 Click 'HERE' to view it.
 

Top
Subj:     Nixon And Clinton (S434)
          From: jbcary1 on 5/23/2005
 Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose
 name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
 The second was William Jefferson Clinton.  Please don't
 tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!
 

Top
Subj:     Clinton As A Black (S379)
          From: Imogenelumen on 4/30/2004
 There was a black comedian on Canadian TV who said he
 misses Bill Clinton: "Yep, that's right--I miss Bill
 Clinton!  He was the closest thing we ever got to
 having a black man as President".
   Number 1- He played the sax.
   Number 2- He smoked weed.
   Number 3- He had his way with ugly white women.
 Even now. Look at him...his wife works, and he don't!
 And, he gets a check from the government every month.
 

Top
Subj:     Hillary Is Lying In Bed ..... (S177)
          From: RFSlick on 6/22/00
 Hillary is lying in bed wide-eyed one night, and starts
 poking Bill in the back.

 "Wake up," she says."

 Bill just turns over and groans.

 Again, she pokes him the back and says, "Bill, wake up!"

 "What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.

 "I'm going to the bathroom," she says

 "You woke me up just to tell me your going to the bathroom?"

 "No," Hillary says. "I want you to save my place."
 

Top
Subj:     Run Hillary Run (S130)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 7/23/99
 It was recently reported that "Run Hillary Run!" bumper
 stickers are very popular in New York.  Democrats put
 them on their rear bumpers - Republicans put them on the
 front!
 

Top
Subj:     Army's Rapid Strike Force (S113)
          From: ossama on 3/22/99
 The Army is creating rapid strike forces.  They would be
 able to hit anywhere in the world less than one hour after
 a presidential scandal breaks. (Daily Scoop)
 

Top
Subj:     ClintonScandal Jokes (S190, 271b)
          From: ICohen on 9/20/00
      and From: JBCARY1 on 4/10/2002
 After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week
 have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era.
 It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

 Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
 All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister!

 Warning!  Warning!  Warning! The center for Disease Control
 in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today the President has
 proven that you CAN get sex from aides!

 Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill
 Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair.
 She supposedly replied, "Close but no cigar."

 Second version
 From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/24/2001 (S234)
 Q: Do you think that Gary Condit's behavior
    is comparable to Bill Clinton's?
 A: Close but no cigar.

 The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found
 on Monica's dress: "Presidue"

 President Clinton now only recruits interns from only four
 colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State, and Brigham
 Young.

 Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the
 Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it
 represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a
 false sense of security while you are being screwed.

From: FrankRoesc on 5/7/99 (S118)
 Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford
 Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library
 and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

From: real bumper sticker seen on 7/19/99 (S129)
 Clinton thinks Monica has the
 cutest face he has come across.

From: KMacinty on 01/25/2000 (S156)
 Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her
 miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss): "I've learned not to
 put things in my mouth that are bad for me."

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where
 he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how
 bad it is.  -- Barbara Bush

From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/23/2004 (S409b)
 Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
 A: One US leader.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/8/2005 (S437b)
 Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
 A: Because he likes to bend pages.

 Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
 A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

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Sneaky Smiley from Smiley_Central

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