..........(48 jokes, 05 1125,8,cf,md4w,2d)
Subj:     Mark Twain Quotations

From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
 Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you
 were a member of congress. But I repeat
 myself.  -- Mark Twain

From: woneye on 4/17/2003 (S326)
 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
 while the legislature is in session.
   -- Mark Twain (1866)

 The only difference between a tax man and a
 taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the
 skin.  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/29/2002 (S287b)
 Be good and you will be alone.  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/29/2002 (S287b)
 Always do right- this will gratify some and
 astonish the rest.  -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 2/25/2003 (S317b)
 Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear
 is certain.  -- Mark Twain

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 3/31/2003 (S323b)
 The first of April is the day we remember what we
 are the other 364 days of the year.  -- Mark Twain

From: igiggle on 8/3/2003 (S340b)
 Experience teaches us only one thing at a time
 - and hardly that, in my case. -- Mark Twain

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
 I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her
 sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement.
   -- Mark Twain

Subj:     Non Sequitur Sunday Comic Strip (S1125)
          By Wiley Miller in 2018 (in Heaven1)
 Source: www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2018/07/01
.Click 'HERE' to see this Sunday Comic Strip.
 Be careful about reading health books.
 You may die of a misprint.  -- Mark Twain

 What would men be without women?
 Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.  -- Mark Twain

 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
 The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.
   -- Mark Twain

From: igiggle on 4/21/2004 (S378b)
 You cannot depend on your eyes when your
 imagination is out of focus.  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/12/2005 (S442b)
 Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all,
 but most of us look the other way and lose it.
   -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/6/2005 (S446b)
 It is better to keep your mouth closed and let
 people think you are a fool than to open it and
 remove all doubt.  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsClean on 9/7/2005 (S451b)
 "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the
  world.  I know because I've done it thousands of
  times."  -- Mark Twain.

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 10/27/2005 (S457b)
 "I have never taken any exercise except sleeping
  and resting."  -- Mark Twain

Subj:     Thomas Edison Quote (S879)
          From: Google Books
In the book "Mark Twain Along the Mississippi"
     By Wayne Youngblood, page 5
Inventor Thomas Alva Edison once said, "An average
American loves his family. If he has any love left over
for some other person, he generally selects Mark Twain."

From: rfslick on 11/11/2005 (S459b)
 There is no distinctly native American criminal
 class... save Congress.  -- Mark Twain

From: igiggle on 1/10/2006 (S468b)
 "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember
  anything."  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/9/2006 (S468b)
 "The human race has only one really effective weapon,
  and that's laughter.  The moment it arises, all our
  hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments
  slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place."
    -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/27/2006 (S472b)
 "The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the
  details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended
  by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket,
  because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything."
    -- Mark Twain

From: janeenmarie on 2/23/2006 (S475b)
 Humor is the great thing, the saving thing.  The
 minute it crops up, all our irritation and resent-
 ments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their
 place.  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsRiddles on 3/10/2006 (S478b)
 "Few things are harder to put up with than the
  annoyance of a good example."  -- Mark Twain
"Life does not consist mainly
-- or even largely -- 
of facts and happenings.

It consists mainly
of the storm of thoughts
that is forever
blowing through one's head."

Mark Twain's Autobiography


From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 4/7/2006 (S481b)
 "Buy land. They've stopped making it."  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/24/2006 (S487b)
 "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 6/28/2006 (S492b)
 "I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be
  dangerous to offer me the position."  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 8/4/2006 (S497b)
 "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the
  most."  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 8/18/2006 (S500b)
 "I have been through some terrible things in my life,
  some of which actually happened."  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/18/2006 (S509b)
 "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them
  the rest of us could not succeed."  -- Mark Twain

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 11/3/2006 (S511b)
 "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
    -- Mark Twain

Subj:     Pickles Comic Strip (S835)
          By Brian Crane
          From: WashingtonPost.com on 1/2/2013
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/?ref=comics

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 11/23/2006 (S527b)
 A crank is someone with a new idea - until it catches on.

 The best way to cheer yourself up is to
 try to cheer somebody else up.

 I am different from Washington; I have a higher,
 grander standard of principle.  Washington could
 not lie. I can lie, but I won't.

 Honesty is the best policy - when there is money
 in it.

 A lie can travel half way around the world while
 the truth is putting on its shoes.

 The way to keep your health is to eat what you don't
 want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd
 rather not.

 A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Subj:     Tom Sawyer Whitewashing the Fence (S894d)
..........Painted by Norman Rockwell
 Source: Wikipainting.org

"Work consists of whatever a body is
obliged to do. Play consists of what-
ever a body is not obliged to do."
    - The Adventures of Tom Sawyer
 to see an enlargement.
 The first half of life consists of the capacity to
 enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of
 the chance without the capacity.

From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/25/2007 (S541b)
 "You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination
  is out of focus."  -- Mark Twain

From: SCOTCOB on 7/24/2007 (S549b)
 "If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
  if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."
    -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/8/2007 (S560b)
 "It is curious that physical courage should be so 
  common in the world and moral courage so rare."
    -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2007 (S567b)
 "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The 
 secret of getting started is breaking your complex
 overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, 
 and then starting on the first one."  -- Mark Twain

From: LABLaughsClean on 9/19/2008 (S611b)
 "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not
 absence of fear.  Except a creature be part coward,
 it is not a compliment to say it is brave."
   -- Mark Twain

"On this day in 1859,
a 23-year-old Missouri
youth named
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
received his steamboat
pilot's license.

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 For more Twain quotes see 'Twain on Money' in BANKING
...................and see 'Twain on Cows' in COWS_SHEEP
...................and see 'Twain on Dogs' in DOG3
...................and see 'Twain on Classics' in English-supp
...................and see 'Twain on Food' in FOOD_ETC2
...................and see 'Twain on France' in FRENCH
...................and see 'Twain on a Funeral' in FUNERAL
                   and see 'Twain on Golf' in GOLF3
...................and see 'Twain on Kids' in KIDS4
...................and see 'Twain on Love' in LOVE-SUPP
...................and see 'Twain on Adultery' in MEN4
...................and see 'Twain on Music' in MUSIC-SUPP
...................and see 'Twain on New Years' in NEW_YEARS
...................and see 'Twain on Nudity' in NUDIST
...................and see '(Mark) Twain's Rule:' in SCIENCE1
...................and see 'Twain on Science' in SCIENCE2
...................and see 'Twain on School' in SCHOOL3
...................and see 'Twain Quotations' in QUOTES1
...................and see 'Twain on many subjects' in Quotes3
...................and see 'Twain on Challenges' in THO-LEARN-SUPP2
...................and see 'Twain on Time' in THO-TIME-SUPP
...................and see 'Twain on San Francisco' in YOU KNOW YOUR....

. .
Mark Twain on Patriots