Subj: Stranded Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 15 jokes and articles)
Island from
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Subj: Stranded Jokes (Gz) (Includes 15 jokes and articles)
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Also see GENIE file - 'Three
Stranded Women Find Genie'
......................-
'Three
Blonds Find A Fairy'
GOLF1 file - 'Golfer
Stranded On Island'
SCOTTISH - 'Scotsman
Washed Ashore On A Island'
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Subj: Abe
And Ester Stranded (S544b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/6/2007
Abe and Esther are flying to
Australia for a two-week
vacation to celebrate their
40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address
system, the captain
announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am afraid I have
some very bad news. Our engines
have ceased functioning
and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily, I
see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able
to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we
may never be rescued and will
have to live on the
island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight
crew, the plane lands
safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his
wife and asks, "Esther,
did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge
check yet"?
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash
landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our American
Express card yet"?
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther.
Did you remember to send checks
for the Visa and MasterCard
this month"? he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged
Esther. "I didn't send that
one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me"?
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
\\\//
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Subj: Stranded
With Six Women (S519)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/1/2006
Perry fancied himself quite a
ladies man, so when his cruise
ship went down in a storm and
he found himself stranded on a
desert island with six women,
he couldn't believe his good
fortune.
They quickly agreed that each
woman would have one night a
week with the only man.
Perry threw himself into the
arrangement with gusto, working
even on his day off, but as
the weeks stretched into months,
he found himself looking forward
to that day of rest more
and more eagerly.
One afternoon he was sitting
on the beach and wishing for
some more men to share his duties
when he caught sight of a
man waving from a life raft
that was bobbing on the waves.
Perry swam out, pulled the raft
to shore, and did a little
jig of happiness. "You can't
believe how happy I am to see
you," he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and
down and cooed, "You're a
sight for sore eyes, too, you
gorgeous thing!"
"Shit," sighed Perry, "there go my Sundays."
\\\//
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Subj: Jewish
Doctor Stranded On Island (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #48 on 98-02-19
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean.
It didn't take long
for the expensive yacht to be
swamped by high waves, sinking
without a trace. There
were only two survivors: the boat's
owner Dr. Eskin and its steward
Benny who managed to swim
to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip
of land, the steward was
crying and very upset that they
would never be found. The
other man was quite calm, relaxing
against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can
you be so calm?" cried the
Benny. "We're going to
die on this lonely island. We'll
never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what
I have to say, Benny," began
the confident Dr. Eskin.
"Five years ago I gave the United
Way $500,000. and another $500,000
to the United Jewish Appeal.
I donated the same amounts four
years ago. And, three years
ago, since I did very well in
the stock market, I contributed
$750,000. to each. Last
year business was good, so the two
charities each got a million
dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual
fund drives, and I know
they're going to find me,"
smiled Dr. Eskin.
\\\//
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Subj: Stranded
On Island With A Beautiful Woman (S115, S533)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-03
and
From: darrell94590 on 4/5/2007
A rather inhibited engineer finally
splurged on a luxury
cruise to the Caribbean.
It was the "craziest" thing he
had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to
enjoy himself, a hurricane roared
upon the huge ship,
capsizing it like a child's
toy. Somehow the engineer,
desperately hanging on to a
life preserver, managed to
wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery,
a spring-fed pool, bananas
and coconuts, there was little
else. He lost all hope
and for hours on end, sat under
same palm tree. He was
desperate, and forlorn, but
decided to make the best of
it. For the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut
juice and mostly looked to the
sea mightily for a ship to
come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the
beach stroking his beard
and looking for a ship, he spotted
movement out of the
corner of his eye. Could
it be true, was it a ship? No,
from around the corner of the
island came a rowboat. In
it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen, or at
least seen in 4 months.
She was tall, tanned, and her
blond hair flowing in the seabreeze
gave her an almost
ethereal being. She spotted
him also as he was waving
and yelling and screaming to
get her attention. She
rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where
did you come from, how
did you get here?"
She said, "I rowed from the other
side of the island.
I landed on this island when
my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't
know anyone else had
survived. How many of
you are there? Where, did you
get the rowboat? You must
have been really lucky to
have a rowboat wash-up with
you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and
the rowboat didn't
wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from
gum tree branches, wove
the reinforced gunnel from palm
branches, and made the
keel and stern from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock
exposed on the south side of
the island. I discovered
that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln,
it melted into forgeable ductile
iron. Anyhow, that's
how I got the tools. But, enough
of that," she said.
"Where have you been living
all this time? I don't see
any shelter."
At this man was forced to confess
that he had been
sleeping on the beach.
"Would you like to come to my
place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around
to her side of the
island, and tied up the boat
with a handsome strand of
handwoven hemp topped with a
neat back splice. They
walked up a winding stone walk
she had laid and around
a Palm tree. There stood
an exquisite bungalow painted
in blue and white. "It's
not much, but I call it home."
Inside, she said, "Sit down
please; would you like to
have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One
more
coconut juice and
I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice,"
the woman replied. "I have
a crude still out back, so we
can have authentic Pina
Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement,
the man accepted the drink,
and they sat down on her couch
to talk. After they had
exchanged stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you
always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was
clean shaven all of my
life until I ended up on this
island."
"Well if you'd like to shave,
there's a razor upstairs
in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs
to the bathroom and shaved with
an intricate bone-and-
shell device honed razor sharp.
Next he showered --
not even attempting to fathom
a guess as to how she
managed to get warm water into
the bathroom -- and
went back downstairs.
He couldn't help but admire the
masterfully carved banister
as he walked. "You look
great," said the woman. "I think
I'll go up and slip
into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued
to sip his Pina Colada.
After a short time, the woman,
smelling faintly of
gardenias, returned wearing
a revealing gown fashioned
out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked,
"we've both been out here for
a very long time with no
companionship. You know
what I mean. Haven't you
been lonely, too... isn't there
something that you
really, really miss?
Something that all men and woman
need? Something that
would be really nice to have
right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied,
shucking off his
shyness. "There is something
I've wanted to do for so
long. But on this island
all alone, it was just...
well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting
in excitement, said
breathlessly: "You mean... you
actually figured out
some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL
HERE!!??!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Five
Guys And A Gal Stranded On Island (594b)
From: darrellvip on 6/9/2008
There is this ship that goes
out to sea and crashes. 6 people
(1 woman and 5 men) survive
and use a safety raft to float to
a deserted island.
After spending several weeks
on the island, they all begin to
get really lonely, sexually
deprived lonely. So they come to
this agreement: Each man
will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for
one week, then the second man has
her for the second week, and
so on.
Everyone will now be getting
sex and they all agree to it.
This goes on for five years
and everyone is happy. Each man
gets sex every fifth week and
the woman gets to have sex
whenever she wants with a different
man every week.
Well, a few weeks into the fifth
year, the woman dies!!!! The
first week is pretty bad, the
second week is still pretty
bad, the third week it's getting
worse, the fourth week things
are just bad, really bad, the
fifth week it is just awful, it's
getting so bad, soooooo... on
the sixth week......
They bury her.
Second version
Bawdy.Net Collage #86
An aircraft crash landed on an
uninhabited desert island. 200
men and one air hostess survived.
As you can imagine, one female
between 200 men caused a bit of
a problem. Anyway, after
a fortnight, the air hostess killed
herself because she was sickened
by what she was doing.
After another fortnight, the
men buried her because they were
sickened by what they were doing.
After yet another fortnight,
they dug her up again because
they were sickened by what they
were doing...
\\\//
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Subj: Stranded
On Island With Natives (DU)
(also see 'Bar
Contest For Jar Of Tens' in BAR2)
A ship out in the middle of nowhere sinks.
There is only one survivor.
He floats for days on a plank
of wood, a canteen of water
his only saviour from certain
dehydration. But the day
finally arrived where he ran out
of this precious liquid.
He knew he was finished. His wife
and daughter were the only things
he could think of, he
wouldn't see them again, and
vice-versa.
The day finally came, he could
barely see, he couldn't feel
his tongue, his nose had no
feeling the salt had killed his
sense of smell, he was practically
dead.
He then saw a blur. This
blur had no meaning to him, but it
somehow intrigued him.
With life he didn't know he still
had in his body he paddled toward
the blur. He paddled and
paddled and paddled and the
blurr got bigger. When he got
to the blur he could feel wet
sand under his fingers and
toes and knew it was an island.
There were three darker
blurs farther up the sand.
He crawled and crawled closer
and closer to the dark forms.
When he got to the first form
he could only see its silhouette
next to him. He still
didn't know what it was, but it had
a horrid smell. He eyes
opened and pain speared through his
head. He raised his hands
to shield out the sun. It was then
when he saw the source of the
smell, three bloody carcuses lay
on the ground in front of him.
His stomach churned but there
was nothing in it.
He then felt someone or something
on either side of him. They
were two short people who wore
feathers. They dragged his dying
body through endless brush for
what seemed like an eternity.
He was pushed to the ground
in front of a man in a throne who
wore a giant head dress made
of many various animals. The man
stood and walked down to the
survivor, and began to speak.
This surprised the survivor
because he spoke in english.
`On any other occasion you would
have been eaten before you
awoke, but today's your lucky
day. It's my birthday, so you
have the chance to survive by
passing a simple test which is
in three parts.'
`Well....what are they?'
Said the survivor his voice course
and painful.
At that moment the chief grunted,
and everyone cheered. The
survivor was then picked up
and moved through the foliage.
They all stopped in front of
three huts. It was here where
he was dropped. The chief
walked up to him and began to speak.
`The first hut has two kegs
of rum inside it, we found it on
the shore 2 moons ago.
You must drink every drop of it.' The
survivor nodded. `The next hut,'
continued the chief, `has a
wild male lion in it, we do
not know how it got here but it
has a lose tooth and you must
remove it, but the lion is not
under any anesthetic or drug,'
the survivor nods again, but
also breaks out in a cold sweat,
`and the third hut has my
daughter in it, she 216 moons
or, as you would say, 18 years
old and she is also a virgin.
You are to `consent' with her,
or as some people in your culture
say "Make her a...woman".
Got it?' Concluded the chief.
`Yes' Came the rough reply, he
didn't want to but he had no
other choice. The chief
grunted and everyone cheered. The
survivor was lead to the door
of the first hut and he walked in.
Two days later and nothing has
happened. Everyone, including
the chief, didn't know what
has happened to this survivor.
Eventually the chief had become
impatient, so he ordered a
native to go and see what was
happening.
This native had walked about
five meters when he stopped dead
in his tracks. A weary
hand had reached out of the hut and
was clawing at the ground.
That hand was soon followed by
the arm, the other arm and finally
the whole body crawled out
on its stomach. Slowly
the survivor lifted his head and smiled.
At that point he used all the
strength he could muster to stand
up. Everyone jumped at
the sight of his face in full view. It
was bright red. His cheeks
were flustered, his nose was a shiny
red, and his eyes seemed to
twirl and spin inside his head. He
took a deep breath. `Wheresss
da next hut!' He slurred, the
effort it took him say those
words knocked him off balance and
he staggered in all directions,
he was caught by two natives
just before he fell to the ground.
They kept him up and started
walking towards the second hut,
but stopped five meters away from
the dark entrance where an ominous
shadow could be seen inside.
The two natives looked at each
other, and agreed on something,
then suddenly they raised the
survivor above their heads and
through him into the hut and
ran in the other direction.
The next ten seconds of complete
silence felt like an eternity,
and nearly every native there
thought, `Grunt, grunt-grunt-groan,
squel, snort, aecchh, pop!'
which ruffly translates to `What, he
dead by lion already!'.
But those thoughts were suddenly answered
when the hut exploded.
It was sent ten meters up into the air,
the lions roar was heard all
over the island.
When the hut landed the noise
continued, roars could be heards,
screams burst from the hut,
cloth was torn, flesh was shredded,
blood was curdled, then one
final scream and it stopped as
abruptly as it began.
The surivor fell out of the second hut's
door. His right arm, from
the back of his hand to his elbow had
the bone exposed. His
other arm wasn't much better off. The
chief noticed that the left
hand was moving very tentively as if
the survivor had something wrong
with his fingers. As he
continued to look he noticed
that the main nuckle of the ring
finger had swollen to a size
if an egg. Then he saw why, even
though the survivors palm was
face up, you could see the nail of
his ring finger. Somehow
the finger had been twisted a complete
180 degrees at the main knuckle.
The survivor crawled out a bit
more and looked up. The whole
left side of his face was a
dark red. His nose bled, so did his
mouth in numerous places.
His clothes were blood stained and
torn, his chest was red, except
for several white strips which
went across his body, and were
in fact his ribs. And his legs
looked just like his arms just
with a more blood.
The survivor looked up again
and stared the chief in the eyes.
The survivors lungs gargled
as
he took a breathand he asked,
`Where is the lady with the
loose tooth?!'
\\\//
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Subj: Worrying
About Carl (S405b)
From: DafterLafter on 10/20/2004
At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200409/001.htm
 |
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Subj: Stranded
With Claudia Schiffer (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #30
This guy has been stranded on
this deserted island for about
three weeks. One morning
he awakes to find this gorgeous
lady washed up on shore, bruised
and battered and slightly
worse for wear.
He takes her to his shelter and
feeds her and nurses her
back to health and in the process
of this he notices that
this lady is in fact Claudia
Schiffer. After she has fully
recovered the man and Claudia
fall in love and eventually
after many weeks of long hot
nights together they are making
wild passionate love regularly.
After a few months of this Claudia,
still feeling indebted
to the man for rescuing her
and nursing her back to health
says, "Is there anything else
that I can do to please you
apart from all of the things
that we have been doing for the
past few months?"
He says "Well there is one thing
that you could do." "What's
that?" she replies. The man
says, "Well I would like if you
would dress up as a man."
"Really?" she says with a puzzled
look on her face but she
goes away and proceeds to honour
his request. She makes a
fake moustache, gets on old
pair of raggedy pants and cuts
her hair really short and generally
makes herself look like
a man.
She then goes up to the guy and
says, "Well, what do you
think, do I look like a man?"
He says, "Yes you do, that's
great."
She says, "Now what?" and he
goes, "Just turn around and
walk away from me down the beach."
She does this, walking
down the beach away from the
guy. The guy then chases after
her, grabs her arm and says,
"Hey mate, hey mate, guess who
I'm screwing!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
Stranded With His Dog (S198, S426b)
From: ipkis on 97-07-18
and
From: JCary on 11/16/2000
A man and his dog are shipwrecked
onto a deserted island.
After a few days he decides
to reconnoiter the island. He
discovers that the only other
inhabitants are sheep. He
recalls how his farm buddies
would brag how they would
screw sheep for kicks and he
says to himself: "I'll never
be that desperate." Sooooo,
a few days later he can't get
those sheep out of his mind,
and soon he's sneaking up on
the flock. Just as he
is about to pounce on a really cute
one, the dog grabs his leg and
won't let go. He snaps to
and thanks the dog for keeping
him from making a fool of
himself.
This same scene happens every
night for a month and the guy
is really getting pissed at
the dog. Suddenly one day, the
man spies a life raft bobbing
in the surf. In the raft is
a beautiful young girl, half
dead but alive. He takes her
back to his hut revives her
and nurses her to health. After
a few days the girl is feeling
fine and that evening a rush
of gratitude sweeps over her.
She confronts the man:
"I owe you my life. I'm yours
forever. I'll do anything
you want"
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Man
And Wife Stranded On Deserted Island (DU)
From: Octagon999 on 97-11-12
A man and his wife had been stranded
on a deserted island
for many years. The morning
following a bad storm, a new
guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are
VERY attracted to each other
right away, but they realize
that certain protocols will
have to be observed. The
husband, oblivious to the
pheremones floating around,
is very glad to see the second
man there. "This is wonderful!
Now we'll be able to have
three people doing 8-hour shifts
in the watchtower instead
of two people doing 12-hour
shifts." The new man is only
too happy to help, and in fact
volunteers to do the first
shift. He climbs up the
tall tower and stands watch,
scanning the ocean horizon
for any ships. Soon the husband
and wife start placing stones
in a circle in order to make a
fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start
to put driftwood into the
stone circle.
Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves
on the roof of the shack
to patch leaks. Once again
the new man yells down from
high above: "Hey, I said no
screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and
the new man climbs down from
the tower and the husband starts
to climb up. By the time
he gets half-way up, his wife
and the new man are already
screwing their brains out. Once
at the top, the husband
turns around and looks down
and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it
DOES look like they're
screwing."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Seven Deadly Sins Of Gilligan's Island (DU)
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's
Island theory is quite
simple. Each of the seven
characters on the island represents
each of the seven deadly sins.
Now, this theory seems to fit
upon initial inspection, there
are technical difficulties when
you get down to THE MAN himself,
Gilligan.
Run with me on this one...
Most obvious is the Professor,
who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man
who can make a ham radio out
of some wire and two coconuts has
to be pretty cocky. (His character
was later revised and given
a series of his own, called
MacGuyver".)
For the sin of ENVY we need look
no further than Maryann, who
may have worn those skimpy little
tops, but could never achieve
Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting
and completely irrelevant
side note, a nationwide survey
of college students a few years
ago revealed that the professor
and Maryann were voted the most
likely couple to have 'done
it' on the island.)
And who could doubt for a moment
that Ginger is LUST incarnate?
Sure, the kids were supposed
to think she was ACTING, but we
all know what being deprived
episode after episode was doing to
her. You know and I know
that glazed look wasn't boredom, my
friends.
What kind of person takes a trunk
full of money on a three-hour
cruise? Mr. Howell gets
my vote for GREED.
We are now left with three characters
and three Deadly Sins. We
have Gilligan, the Skipper and
Mrs. Howell to whom we must match
GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER.
As you can see, there is a Gilligan
problem here. Certainly
we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell
from this equation by connecting
her with SLOTH. She did jack
shit during her many years on
the island and everybody knows it.
This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY,
either of which the Skipper had
no shortage. He was, after
all, a big guy with the tendency to
hit Gilligan with his hat at
least once an episode. After much
consideration, I have decided
that he can easily do double-duty,
covering the two remaining Deadly
Sins.
So here we have the Seven Deadly
Sins trapped in an endlessly
recurring Hell of hope followed
by denial and despair, forced
to live with each other in our
TVs until the last re-run ends.
And who is their captor?
What keeps them trapped there?
Gilligan.
Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Stranded Jokes
| Subj:
In the Bleachers Comic Strip (S600c)
By Steve Moore From: WashingtonPost.com on 7/13/2008 |
 |
Top
Subj: Stranded
On A Purple Island (S161, S563c)
From: smiles on 01/15/2000
A guy get`s shipwrecked. When
he wakes up, he`s on a beach.
The sand is purple. He
can`t believe it. The sky is purple.
He walks arond a bit and sees
that there is purple grass,
purple birds and purple fruit
on the purple trees. He`s
shocked when he finds that his
skin is starting to turn
purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve
been marooned!!"
From: Zackit Vallejo Electronics on
04/10/2005 (S429b)
The only person
who always
Got all the
work
Done
by Friday
Was
Robinson Crusoe.
\\\//
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 |
Island Smiley from
Smiley_Central |