>>>
Subj: Tax Jokes (Gz)
(Includes 80 jokes and articles)

Click "Here" for Tax-Supp

Also see BAR2 file    - 'Strongest Man Contest'
         COLLEGE1     - 'College Student Talks To Her Dad'
         COW_SHEEP    - 'Service'
         FACTS3 file - 'The Astronaut Pen'
         FACTS4 file - 'Taxes In Italy'
         GENIE file   - 'The IRS Genie'
         HOOKER2 file - 'Jimmy Carter Picks A Hooker'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'Your Home'
         NATIONAL2    - 'Social Security'
......................- 'A Billion In Perspective...'
         NATIONAL-STS - 'Congressional Retirement System'
         PENIS3 file - 'Penis Tax'
         RELIGION     - 'The Church At Pierce Creed'
         TEST1 file   - 'Urine Test'
============================================================Top

Subj:     The Beatle's Taxman Lyrics (S453)
          Written And Lead Vocal: George Harrison
          Part of 'Revolver' Album, Track 1 in 1966 Beatle's picture
         from
The Beatles Music

              and 'Anthology 2' Album in 1996
          From: Anon Jr. on 9/21/2005
Source: http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a395d502650f3.htm

Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me
'Cause I'm the taxman,
Yeah, I'm the taxman

Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all
'Cause I'm the taxman,
Yeah I'm the taxman

If you drive a car, I'll tax the street
If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat
If you get too cold I'll tax the heat
If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet
Taxman!

'Cause I'm the taxman,
Yeah I'm the taxman

Don't ask me what I want it for (Aahh Mr. Wilson)
If you don't want to pay some more (Aahh Mr. Heath)
'Cause I'm the taxman,
Yeah, I'm the taxman

Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes
'Cause I'm the taxman,
Yeah, I'm the taxman
And you're working for no one but me
Taxman!

Taxman

Click 'HERE' to listen to the song.

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Subj:     Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes (S361b)
          From: The-Jokes.com
          At: http://www.the-jokes.com/listjokes.php?id=Best
          (Also see 'Three Men And Cindy Crawford At The Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN1
          and see 'Don't Hit The Duck' in HEAVEN2
          and see 'Three Guys In Hell' in HELL)

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged,
he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not
go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told
him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way
he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound,
stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity
in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending
to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and
Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that
as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well
hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel,
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he
with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with
these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not
complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my
life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex
any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only
one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to
herself, "Damn income taxes!"

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Subj:     New Taxes In The Last 100 Years (S348)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 9/16/2003

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENT: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and
our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely
no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and
Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What the hell happened?

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Subj:     Tax cuts for Dummies (S304b)
          From: coreymac on 11/26/2002

Not to say that any reader is a "dummy" but this is a good
picture of the All American Tax system. The US tax system
-- explained for dummies:

I was having lunch with one of my favorite clients last week
and the conversation turned to the government's recent round
of tax cuts. "I'm opposed to those tax cuts," the retired
college instructor declared, "because they benefit the rich.
The rich get much more money back than ordinary taxpayers
like you and me and that's not fair."

"But the rich pay more in the first place," I argued, "so it
stands to reason that they'd get more money back." I could
tell that my friend was unimpressed by this meager argument.
I said to him, let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can
understand. Suppose that every day 10 men go to a restaurant
for dinner. The bill for! all ten comes to $100. If it was
paid the way we pay our taxes, the first four men would pay
nothing; the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the
seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18. The tenth man
(the richest) would pay $59.

The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed
quite happy with the arrangement until the owner threw them
a curve. Since you are all such good customers, he said,
I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20.

Now dinner for the 10 only costs $80.

The first four are unaffected. They still eat for free.
Can you figure out how to divvy up the $20 savings among
the remaining six so that everyone gets his fair share? The
men realize that $20 divided by 6 is $3.33, but if they
subtract that from everybody's share, then the fifth man
and the sixth man would end up being paid to eat their meal.

The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to
reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, being
sure to give each a break, and he proceeded to work out the
amounts each should pay.

Now the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the
seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12,
leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of $59.

Outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their
savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," complained
the sixth man, pointing to the tenth, "and he got $7!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only
saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times
more than me!"

"That's true," shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get
$7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We
didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor."

The nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up.
The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine
sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They
were $52 short! And that, boys, girls and college
instructors, is how America's tax system works.

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit
from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for
being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table
any more. There are lots of good restaurants in Switzerland

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Subj:     Tax Time Poem (S269d, S480c)
          From: BennoRo on 3/26/2002
      and From: flovilla on 4/11/2006

Its that time of the year folks.
Here is a poem to remember this time by.

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax the bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass,
Tax the roads he must pass.

Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.

Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after Inheritance Tax.

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Subj:     Income Tax Deductions (S265)
          From: jerry on 2/19/2002

? A NYC man who made some money donating sperm and who
asked his accountant if he could therefore take a
"depletion allowance." He was told it had to be an oil
well or something.

? In Wyoming a man declared his dog as a dependent for
years and then became worried about the trouble he might
get into. Not having enough money to square it with the
IRS he asked his accountant what to do to for which he
was told to declare "Red" as deceased on his next return
and hope nobody asks any questions.

? Then there's the bonehead who paid an arsonist to
destroy his furniture store, for which he collected
$500,000 from the insurance company. But who got caught
when he claimed the arsonist's fee of $10,000 as a
"consulting fee."

? A Texas rancher depreciated 15 to 20 animals, something
only allowed if the animals are used in breeding. When
he was asked by the IRS agent at an audit, "I presume you
breed these animals?" replied that he didn't, giving his
CPA a heart attack. But then, after a pregnant pause,
continued, "I've got a bull for that."

? The man who, having lost his dentures when they fell
into the toilet, declared the loss as an "act-of-God
casualty loss."

Bankrate.com 1-Feb-02
http://www.bankrate.com/nsc/itax/news/20020201a.asp

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Subj:     IRS Refund (S232)
          From: TAdams on 6/27/2001

When Should You Expect Your Refund Check?
President Bush signed a 10-year, $1.35 trillion tax cut on
June 7. One element of the bill was to return money to
taxpayers by sending them a check.

The last two digits of your Social Security number determine
when your refund check will be mailed. The breakdown is as
follows:
* 00 - 08 July 23
* 09 - 17 July 30
* 18 - 26 August 6
* 27 - 35 August 13
* 36 - 43 August 20
* 44 - 51 August 27
* 52 - 59 September 3
* 60 - 67 September 10
* 68 - 75 September 17
* 76 - 83 September 24
* 84 - 91 October 1
* 92 - 99 October 8

Thomas A. Adams
Sr. QA Analyst
Economics/Production
Landmark Graphics Corporation

People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel...

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Subj:     Letter To The IRS (S114, S580c)
          From: RFSlick on 3/15/99
      and From: tom on 2/29/2008

There was a man who computed his taxes for 2007 and found
that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and
included this letter:

Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2007 Tax Returns. Please take note of the
attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the
article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50
for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and
six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment
to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and
apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on
my return. Might I suggest you the send the above
mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article
- HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and
I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw
an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.

Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear

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Subj:     Letter To The IRS II (S269b, S485b)
          From: Cypriot on 3/29/2002
      and From: LABLaughs on 4/27/2006

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2001 Federal
Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether
these are my children or not for years. They are evil
and expensive.

I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no
longer my responsibility -- that the government knows
something about them and what to expect over the next
year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to
me and reinstate the deductions; this year, however,
they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just
ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office
where she can answer people's questions about their tax
returns. While she has had no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject
you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she
is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you
will now be responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate
decision of appropriating some Health and Human Services
funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive
her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy.
While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence -- and, in the
face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling
it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Jocelyn
Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little to close together for normal people.
He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't
incarcerate him first.

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning
by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and
his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent
directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything
on a dare. His hair is purple.

Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn
to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is
sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food
fight. I'll be sure to file your phone number with the
vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and
it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with
you. DO NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised
with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles
or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement; be sure to lock out the
900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and
appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is
yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip
in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately,
your recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is
expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news, though!
You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of the
deduction you are denying.

It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other
two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level
of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a
refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears
hats backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears
pierced four more times. There is a fascination with
tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of
"nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to
move the entire thing rather than find out what's really
in there.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's
only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I
prefer you take the two youngest; I'll still go bankrupt
with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If
you take the two oldest, at least I have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible,
as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
John Smith

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Subj:     Taxes By Dave Barry (S114)
          From: Vallejo Times Herald on Sunday April 4,1999
          Typed by AJSwitzer

Perhaps you are one of the many Americans who are afraid
of preparing their own income-tax returns. If so let me
offer these words of encouragement: You stupid idiot. I
say this because doing your own taxes has never been easier,
thanks to modern technology such as the telephone, the
personal computer, and the canned frozen margarita.

Take me. I am not a so-called "Certified Public Accountant,"
but I have been handling my own taxes for years, using a
simple, three-step system:

STEP ONE: One week before the April 15 tax deadline, I
gather together all my financial records. This is easy,
because I keep all my records in one convenient place,
which is the kitchen drawer where I also keep my butane
lighters with no butane in them and my package of "AAA"
batteries, which I bought in 1987 because I thought they
were "AA" batteries, and which I plan to return to the
drugstore for a refund as soon as I locate the receipt.
So all my records are compressed into one convenient,
dense wad.

STEP TWO: Using a Sears Craftsman chisel, I separate my
records and sort then according to size and color. This
takes a while, but it "paves the way" for the heart of
my tax-return preparation system, which is:

STEP THREE: Using the telephone, I call Evan, who is my
accountant, and urgently ask if I can file for an
extension, and he tells me that he already did. Then he
hangs up and goes back to sleep because at this point it
is 3:30 a.m. on April 18.

The advantage of using this system, which is called the
"Extension System," is that you can postpone filing your
tax return for several months, and even longer if, the
good Lord willing, the earth is destroyed by an asteroid.

You know what makes me want to puke, aside from Geraldo
Rivera? I'll tell you what: so-called "tax-preparation
software." When I go to the computer superstore and see
these clueless taxpayers paying good money for software
that is allegedly going to make their tax preparation
"fast and easy," I laugh so hard that sometimes it takes
four store employees to wrestle me to the floor and
inject my special medicine into my neck.

I react this way because I know that this "tax-preparation
software" is NOT going to prepare these clueless people's
returns for them; it is going to ask them 14 skillion
technical questions about things such as their names,
Social Security number, income, expenses, and the exact
number - Right down to the decimal point! - of their
children.

Listen, software geeks: If we KNEW all these details, WE
WOULDN'T NEED THE COMPUTER TO HELP US! Why don't you
make USEFUL tax software? I'm talking about software
that, when you put it into your computer, says to you:
"You've done ENOUGH already! Go enjoy a canned margarita
while I use my modem to wake Evan up and get you an
extension!"

If Al Capone had possessed such software, he would be a
free man today. Dead, but free.

For those of you who wish, for whatever insane reason, to
actually prepare your tax returns, there are some changes
this year that you need to know about. The main one is
that the Internal Revenue Service now has a positive,
taxpayer-friendly image, expressed by the upbeat new IRS
motto: "We Acknowledge That There Is A Possibility, However
Remote, That You Are Not Criminal Scum." Instead of
hassling taxpayers, the new IRS wants to serve them. What
does this mean to you, the individual taxpayer? According
to IRS Commissioner Charles Rossotti, it means you are now
expected to tip.

"If you're a married taxpayer filing jointly," states
Rossotti in his official Letter to Taxpayers, "tucking a
fifty-dollar bill inside your tax return will definitely
cause the IRS employee serving you to feel appreciated
and be less likely to select you for the auditing
procedure we call "The Closet Full Of Snakes."

Rossotti also pointed out that when we sign our tax
returns, we are in effect taking a legal oath. "This
means," he sternly reminds us, "that the information you
provided must meet the same standards of truth and
accuracy that President Clinton met when he testified
under oath about alleged acts of internship with Monica
Lewinsky." For example, if you have three dependents,
when you fill in the box that says "Number of Dependents,"
the following answers would meet the Clinton Accuracy
Standard:
    "Three."
    "Four."
    "Around 27."
    "I don't recal."
    "It depends what you mean by dependent."

Remember that, as always, if you have questions about
filling out your tax forms you can call up your congress-
person or senators at any hour of the day or night and
ask them what brand of glue they were sniffing when they
thought up our tax laws. But let us not become bitter
and negative. Let us remember that, in a democratic
society, if we do not pay our "fair share" of taxes for
vital government services, we will be able to buy ourselves
a boat. So let's sharpen our pencils and start accurately
writing down our income. I don't recall having any.

Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Write to him c/o Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One
Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.

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Subj:     Tax Official Visits Synagogue (S106, S538)
          From: auntiegah on 99-02-03 and 5/10/2007
      and From: RFSlick on 3/29/2003

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined
the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered
offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious
for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed
when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight
forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought
he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with
the Rabbi. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have
distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do
with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and
then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you
do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles
from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those
leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as
well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

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Subj:     Fraud Warning (S193, S566b)
          From: auntieg on 99-01-17

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal
Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a
scam around this time every year. Their letter claims
that you owe them money, which they will take and use to
pay for the operation of essential functions of the
United States government. This is untrue! The money
the IRS collects is used to fund various other corpor-
ations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called
the Social Security Administration, who claim to take
money from your regular paychecks and save it for your
retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for
the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps
mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working
Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

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Subj:     Man Massages Person In Bank Line (S220)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #280 on 98-11-28
      and From: thebartend on 4/13/2001

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy
suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front
of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just
what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I
could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back.
Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front
of me?"

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Subj:     The Truth About Taxes (S95)
          From: pac_navigator on 98-11-23

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of
Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only
773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400
words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many
pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040E
has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions
each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times
around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the
paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours
working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than
it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United
States.

The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3
million people working full time for a year, just to comply
with the taxes on individuals and businesses.

The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the
CIA and five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through
their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's
more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

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Subj:     Man Goes To Priest With Business Problems (S126b)
          From: ossama on 98-05-13
      and From: Bawdy.Net Collage #310 on 6/27/99

A man had been in business for many years and his business was
going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously
contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. He went
to his Priest to seek advice. He told the Priest about all of
his problems in business and asked the Priest what he should do.

The Priest said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in
your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the
water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it
and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the
pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a
particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible
in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at
the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages
of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked
down at the Bible and knew immediately what he had to do.

Three months later the man and his family came back to see the
Priest. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was
all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was
dressed in beautiful silk. The man handed the Priest a thick
envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate
this money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his
wonderful advice. The Priest was delighted. He recognizes the
man and asked him "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

The man replies: "Chapter 11."
(In American Law, Chapter 11 refers to declaring backruptcy.)

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Subj:     Interactive Taxes Software (S62)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #87 on 98-04-09

Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer
Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway?
After all, it is April 9th. You have less than 7 days to
file. And who knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.

That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address,
and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you
down -- That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy
in these tough financial times!

Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In
the meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have
any children?

Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any
other dependents?

Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your
only friend. I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let
us move on to income. What were your wages in 1997?

You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least
you're getting the Unemployment Benefits max. I'm afraid
your Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government
giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't blame
me! I'm just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any
interest or dividend income or capital gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright
side. If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes
on it. Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't
suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA?
I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job. They
make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too. Okay, okay.
I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your
deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.
Speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-
reimbursed medical expenses.

That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income
was so low that most of it will be deductible! Let's move
on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But
that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase
your refund. What? You had to sell the house to pay for
the divorce? What a shame. I thought you said you did
not have any capital gains. You sold it at a loss?
Really? So tell me -- Do you think housing is going to
drop any further? One of my other users is looking to
buy.

You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thought-
less thing to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they
haven't gotten all the bugs out.

Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in
mortgage interest?

I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no.
You may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software!

Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just
a suggestion. Anyway, it's time to list your charitable
contributions. I know you can't afford them, but list a
couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it
is impossible to check.

Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer
any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the
numbers and I'll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your
divorce anymore. What I meant was, did you have any
other income or expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest
for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.

I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund.
Would you like to apply it to your 1998 tax?

I beg your pardon? They don't pay me enough to listen
to that kind of language!

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Subj:     The Ebonics 1040EZ (S60)
          From: auntieg on 98-03-21

1040 - EB
Da Depatment o' de man fo dis year filin' thing fo' money

Enter:

1.Yo name(s) __________________________________

2. yo' ssn __________________________________

3. other ssn's you use ____________________________________
__________________________________
Alias's __________________________________

--------------------------------------------------------------------
2. yo' hood __________________________________
               __________________________________
               __________________________________
               __________________ cell #_________

--------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Dependants (kids in yo' pad)

   name (s)               age    mother      father    gang affiliation
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________
   _____________________ ___   ___________ _________ ________________

INCOME (yo' money)

   7. Income from welfare (stash from da man) ............_______________
   8. Income from drug sales (work)......................._______________
   9. Income from gang slayings (workin dem straps)......._______________
10. Income from prostitution (workin de bitches)........_______________
11. Income from theft (visitin' white folk)............._______________
12. Income from carjackin' (take what be mine).........._______________
13. Add all dis shit up an put it here.................._______________

DEDUCTIONS (my money)

14. Gang Tatoo's......................................._______________
15a. Saw'd off's an straps (tools)......................_______________
15b. Ammo..............................................._______________
16a. Bail so's to free my ass..........................._______________
16b. Eurostylin' my wheels.............................._______________
16c. Funeral Expenses (burying de homeys)..............._______________
17. Add all dis shit up an put it here................._______________

18. Take 17 from 13 (dem be lines 17 an 13, not coke
lines either mudda fucka) put here.................._______________

(if line 18 be a big numba)
17. Amount you Owe......................................_______________

(if line 18 be a small numba)
18. Amount de man owe you..............................._______________

19. Amount yo willin to pay.................................... $ 0. 00
----------------------------------------------------------------------
20. Sign dis (an X is ok unless it's a sign of a rival gang, if it be
them other mudda fucka's, go waste 'em first)
_________________________________________________________

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Subj:     What To Wear To The IRS (S60, S433)
          From: thebartend on 98-02-14
      and From: DoctorDebt on 5/15/2005

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing.
Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the
opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the
conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the
dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to
wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel
nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when
she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.
'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down
to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

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Subj:     Tax Day Quotes (S114)
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated on 5/22/1997

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift - is taxes.
-- W. Feather

In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Foreign Aid - taxing poor people in rich countries for
the benefit of rich people in poor countries.
-- Bernard Rosenberg

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite
as satisfying as an income tax refund. --F.J. Raymond

You know it's a bad day when your income tax refund
check bounces.

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile.
I tried -- but they wanted cash. -- Anon.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
-- Peg Bracken

Any reasonable system of taxation would be based
on the slogan of 'Soak the Rich'. -- Heywood Broun

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American
people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form
out on the level, you don't know when it's through if
you are a crook or a martyr." -- Will Rogers

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction
being written today. -- Herman Wouk

The income tax people are very nice. They're letting
me keep my own mother. -- Henny Youngman

There is only one thing worse than the flu season;
the tax season. You can recover from the flu.

The best things in life are free, but sooner or later
the government will find a way to tax them.

Bumper snicker: Save Our Trees. Stop Printing Tax Forms!

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average
American are spent by the government in less than a
second. -- Jim Fiebig

According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on
December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law
Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000
employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a
"family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135
million a year.

Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it,
and high taxes. -- Will Rogers

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax
collectors, and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them
two hammers and a toilet seat. -- Sue Murphy

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The
only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the
money. -- Arthur Godfrey

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American
now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got
in wages. -- H. L. Mencken

Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get
worse every year.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

Taxpayers don't have to take a civil service exam
to work for the government.

There is only one way to kill capitalism--by taxes,
taxes, and more taxes.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that
some men should be happier than others. -- Oscar Wilde

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins
with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?
-- Rob Knauerhase

You've just told the guy next to you your life's history,
how much you make, and how you've gotten out of paying
income tax for years, and find out he's from the IRS.

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

Born Free...Taxed to Death

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said
"If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.
Given what you've been paying for things lately, that
should more than make up the difference."

Have you ever wondered if taxation without
representation was cheaper?

The only time the average child is as good as gold
is April 15th.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to
comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City
Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

From: Cypriot@Concentric.net on 3/29/2002 (S269c)
"The hardest thing in the world to understand
is the income tax." -- Albert Einstein

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Subj:     Short Tax Jokes (S114)

Top

Subj:     IRS And Tax Collecting (S471)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 1/23/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20040620
I can relate to this photo. You can view it at the source
above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top

Subj:     Taxes And Funerals (S469 in Funeral)
          From: LABLaughsClean
          on 1/13/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20060112
You can view this informative cartoon at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Snoopy's Tax Letter (S439)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/20/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C20000801

Top
Subj:     The Three R's Of The IRS: (S377)
          From: igiggle on 4/20/2004
     This is ours
     That is ours
     Everything is ours

Top
Subj:     IRS Calls Father O'Malley (S372, S601c)
          From: paulnschacknow on 3/14/2004
      and From: rfslick on 7/15/2008

Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father
O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

Top
Subj: What's The Fairest Tax? (S329)
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/16/2003
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state
tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation
they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-
haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax,"
he said. "But the poll tax was repealed," replied the
commissioner.

"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

Top
Subj: Tax Relief
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 4/17/00
The IRS likes people to use the E-Z 1040 form. Under their
system, A-D are automatically withheld from your alphabet.

This guy walks into the auditor's office, the auditor looks
at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already
own a piece of yours."

On the movie set, the special effects guy is explaining a prop
gun to the famous blond actress. The prop guy says, "For the
last time, if you point this gun and shoot it, no one will get
hurt. It's filled with blanks. When have you ever heard of
anyone getting killed by a blank?" The actress replied, "My
husband, last year, when he filled out our tax forms."

Placard over the IRS Auditors desk:
The luck stops here.

Micro-Ap, a manufacturing company based in Londonderry,
N.H., paid $18,267.40 in taxes last year. In September,
the firm received a bill from the Internal Revenue Service
for 1 cent, plus a penalty of $194.72.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is
like the IRS.

From: BawdyNet Collage #whatever on 98-04-20
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4
(knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and
deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on
my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have
enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

From: RFSlick on 98-05-13
Born free...Taxed to death.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

From: auntieg on 98-05-20
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
IRS - Be audit you can be

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002 (S269)
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words
"The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

From: igiggle on 4/6/2003 (S323b)
IRS workers suffer fewer assaults on the job
than workers in any other government agency.

From: igiggle on 4/12/2003 (S324b)
The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the
federal government but doesn't have to take the
civil servant examination. -- Ronald Reagan

Taxes, after all, are the dues that we pay for the
privileges of membership in an organized society.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

From: igiggle on 4/15/2003 (S324b)
Taxation without representation is tyranny.
-- James Otis
Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.
-- Gerald F. Lieberman

From: rfslick on 11/11/2005 (S459b)
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying
to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

From: igiggle on 12/15/2005 (S464b - christmas4)
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want
and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the
government what they want - and their kids pay for it.
-- Richard Lamm, former governor of Colorado.

Q: What's the difference between the IRS and a proctologist?
A: Eventually a proctologist gets off your ass.

Q: What's the difference between an audit and a circumcision?
A: At a circumcision, they only keep ninety percent.

Q: Why do people pay taxes?
A: To help out the government --
so the government doesn't have to pay for everything.

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Subj:     Frank and Ernest On Heaven And Taxes (S376b)
          From: The Cartoonist Group on 4/10/2004
          At: http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/store/add.php?iid=5757

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Smiley the Tax Man from
Smiley_Central

.