>>> Subj:     Tree, Plants, and Chainsaw Jokes (Gz)                  (Includes 30 jokes and articles)

Tree ? Beaver from Animation Factory

Also see BIRDS file   - 'Two Woodpeckers Argue'
         BIRTHDAYS    - 'From What Tree Did You Fall?'
         BREAST file  - 'Kinds Of Breasts ? Penises'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Two Golfers And A Pine Tree'
         GOD2 file    - 'Woodcutter Meets The Lord'
......................- 'Lawns and God'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Government Road Workers'
         MATH1 file   - 'Cajun Math Test'
         MATH3 file   - 'The History Of Math Word Problems'
         OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Turtle Climbs A Tree'
         STORIES file - 'Tired Carpenter Gets Ride Home'
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Subj:     What Do You Hear? (S518c)           From: LABLaughsAdult           on 12/20/2006

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19930417

 This is a cute, Christmas comic strip.  You can view it at
 the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Bacon Tree (S594c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 5/27/2008

 Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly
 and close to death.

 They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
 inevitable, when all of a sudden...

 'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?  Ees bacon I ahm
 sure of eet.'

 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.

 So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand
 dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture...

 There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

 Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

 'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Eet EES a bacon tree!'

 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?  We ees in the Desert
 don't forget.'

 'Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
 bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

 And with that...Luis races toward the tree.

 He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely
 behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and
 Luis is cut down in his tracks.

 It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that
 he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

 'Pepe...go back man, you was right.  Ees not a bacon tree.'

 'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

 'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
 
 
 
 

 Ees...
 
 
 

 Ees...
 
 
 

 Ees...
 
 
 

 Ees...
 
 
 

 ... Eees a Ham Bush!"

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Subj:     Two Woodpeckers Argue (S521b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/10/2007

 An Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were
 arguing about which place had the toughest trees.  The
 Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no
 woodpecker could peck.  The California woodpecker accepted
 his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with
 no problem.

 The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.  The California wood-
 pecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
 tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.  The
 Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so
 accepted the challenge.  After flying to California, the
 Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no
 problem.

 The two woodpeckers were now confused.  How is it that
 the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian
 tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the
 Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the
 tree in their own state?  After much woodpecker-pondering,
 they both came to the same conclusion.  Your pecker is
 always harder when you're away from home.

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Subj: All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Trees (S482)
      From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/22/2006

 * It's important to have roots.

 * In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.

 * Don't pine away over old flames.

 * If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to
   go out on a limb.

 * Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.

 * Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.

 * If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.

 * To be politically correct, don't wear firs.

 * Grow where you're planted.

 * It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

 * Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

 * Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.

 * If the party gets boring, just leaf.

 * You can't hide your true colors as you approach
   the autumn of your life.

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Subj:     The Tree Riddle (S423b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 2/25/2005

 This multiple riddle dates from the 19th. century. To solve
 it completely, you are required to identify 65 names of trees.
 Even we don't know all the answers. Where we do know (or think
 we know) we have provided.

 What's the sociable tree, and the dancing tree,
 And the tree that is nearest the sea;
 The most yielding tree, the busiest tree,
 And the tree where ships may be?

 The languishing tree, the least selfish tree,
 And the tree that bears a curse;
 The chronologist's tree, the fisherman's tree,
 And the tree like an Irish nurse?

 The tell-tale tree, and the traitor tree,
 And the tree that's the warmest clad;
 The layman's restraint, and the housewife's tree,
 And the tree that makes one sad?

 The tree that with death befrights you,
 The tree that your wants would supply,
 The tree that to travel invites you,
 And the tree that forbids you to die?

 The tree that will fight, and the tree that obeys you,
 And the tree that never stands still;
 The tree that got up, and the tree that is lazy,
 And the tree neither up nor down hill?

 The tree to be kissed, and the dandiest tree,
 The tree guiding ships to go forth;
 The tree of the people, the unhealthiest tree,
 And the tree whose wood faces north?

 The tree in a battle, the tree in a fog,
 And the tree that bids the joints pain;
 The terrible tree when schoolmasters flog,
 And the tree a mother and child do name.

 The emulous tree, the industrious tree,
 And the tree that warms mutton when cold;
 The reddest brown tree and the reddest blue tree,
 And the tree one becomes ere one's old?

 The treacherous tree, the contemptible tree,
 The tree to which wines are inclined;
 The tree that causes each townsman to flee,
 And what round fair ankles are twined?

 The tree that's entire, and the tree that is split,
 The tree half given by doctors when ill;
 The tree that we offer to friends when we meet,
 And the tree we may use as a quill?

 The tree that's immortal, and the trees that are not,
 And the tree that must pass through the fire;
 The tree that in Latin can ne'er be forgot,
 And in English we all most admire?

 The Egyptian plague tree, the tree that is dear,
 And what round itself doth entwine;
 The tree that in billiards must ever be near,
 And the tree that by Cockneys is turned into wine?

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Here it comes
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 A)Tea Tree, Caper
 B)Beech
 C)Rubber, Medlar
 D)Bay

 E)Pine, Yew
 F)Apple
 G)Date, Crab
 H)Huneysuckle

 I)Peach, Judas
 J)Fir
 K)Elder, Broom
 L)Weeping Willow?

 M)Cypress
 N)Bread Tree
 O)Mango(Man, go/Orange (O range)
 P)Olive (O live)

 Q) Box, Dogwood
 R)Lilac (lie lack)?
 S)Rose, Sloe
 T)Plane

 U)Tulip (two lip) tree,  Spruce
 V)Elm (helm)
 W)Poplar, Sycamore
 X)southernwood

 Y)? , Hazel
 Z)Fever tree
 AA)Birch
 BB)Damsen

 CC)Ivy (I vie), Cotten
 DD)Flame tree(?)
 EE)Chestnut, Gum
 FF)Sage

 GG)Judas Tree, Fig
 HH) Cork
 II)Plague
 JJ)Sandel

 kk)Holly (wholly)?  Clove
 LL)Bark
 MM)Palm
 NN)Aspen

 OO)Amaranth, ?
 PP)Ash
 QQ)?
 RR)Oak (?)

 SS)Locust, ?
 TT)Hop
 UU) (?)
 VV) Vine

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Subj:  Dividing The Spoils (S406)         Written by Sam Loyd (1841-1911)   At: thinks.com/puzzles/loyd/loyd.htm  After gathering 770 chestnuts, the  three little girls divided them up so  that their amounts were in the same  proportion as their ages.  As often as  Mary took four chestnuts, Nellie took  three, and for every six that Mary  received, Susie took seven.  How many chestnuts did each girl get?

 Solution:
 I've been told by some of you anonymous mathematicians
 that you don't bother with these puzzles if I include the
 solution.  So, if you want this solution go to the web site
 http://thinks.com/puzzles/loyd/puzzle9a.htm

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Subj:     A What Is It Riddle (DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 9/7/2001

 Dies half its life. Dances without music, breathes without
 breath. What is it?

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x
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Here it comes
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Answer:

Tree

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Subj:     Lady Slides Down Tree And Sees Doctor (S123, DU)
          From: KMacinty on 6/1/99

 A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
 Oregon.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points
 in the tract.  She wanted to get a good view of her land so
 she started to climb the big tree.  As she neared the top,
 she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

 In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
 ground and got many splinters in her private parts.  In
 considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

 He listened to her story then told her to go into the
 examining room and he would see if he could help her.  She
 sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

 The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"

 The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits
 from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
 and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-
 growth timber from a recreational area."

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Subj:     The Tree Picture Test (S76, S353b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-07-15

 Imagine you are walking into an Art Gallery,
 there are 4 paintings on the wall:

    Painting(1) = a tree with falling leaves, autumn season...
    Painting(2) = many trees with lots of leaves and
                  sturdy trunks...
    Painting(3) = a tree in the winter season, with snow....
    Painting(4) = a garden with trees and flowers...

 Rank these four paintings according to your preference,
 from the one you like best to the one you least like...

 Scroll down for interpretation:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 This test is to see what you think is important when
 choosing your partner.

 Painting(1) = Money : your partner has to be well to do.
 Painting(2) = Figure : your partner has to be well built/
               has a fantastic figure.
 Painting(3) = Looks : looks means a lot to you.
 Painting(4) = Personality : a person with good character
               will attract you first.

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Subj:     How You Can SAVE With A Woodstove
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
                                                             $
 Stove, Pipe, Installation, etc........................   458.00
 Chain Saw.............................................   149.95
 Gas and Maintenance for Chainsaw......................    44.60
 4-Wheel Drive Pickup, Stripped........................ 8,379.40
 4-Wheel Drive Pickup, Maintenance.....................   438.00
 Replace Rear Window of Pickup (Twice).................   310.00
 Fine for Cutting Unmarked Tree in State Forest........   500.00
 Fourteen Cases of Michelob Beer.......................   126.00
 Littering Fine........................................    50.00
 Tow Charge from Creek.................................    50.00
 Doctor's Fee for Removing Splinter from Eye...........    45.00
 Safety Glasses........................................    29.50
 Emergency Room Treatment (Broken Toes - Dropped Log)..   125.00
 Work Boots with Steel Toes............................    49.50
 New Living Room Carpet................................   800.00
 Paint Walls and Ceiling...............................   110.00
 Worcester Chimney Brush and Rods......................    45.00
 Log Splitter..........................................   150.00
 Fifteen Acre Woodlot.................................. 9,000.00
 Taxes on Woodlot......................................   310.00
 Replace Coffee Table (Chopped up and Burned while Drunk)  75.00
 Divorce Settlement....................................33,678.22
                                                      ___________
                             Total First Year's Costs..54,922.81
          Savings in "Conventional" Fuel - First Year..    62.37
                                                      ___________
                 Net Cost of First Year's Woodburning..54,815.44
(Wait till NEXT year...)

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Subj:     Pheasant Wants To Climb A Tree (S287)
          From: mbucher on 98-01-12
      and From: CatScratch on 7/29/2002

 A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull.
 "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,"
 the pheasant sighed, "but I haven't got the energy."  "Well,
 why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
 bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."

 The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
 actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
 of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he
 reached the second branch and so on.

 Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched
 at the top of the tree.  Whereupon a farmer spotted him and
 dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot
 the pheasant right out of the tree.

 Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but
 it won't keep you there.

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Subj:     Trees Argue (S280b, S428)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 10/12/2000
      and From: DoctorDebt on 4/8/2005

 A birch tree and beech tree carried on a decades long
 argument as to which tree was more attractive, taller,
 etc.  One day a sapling  began to grow between the two
 trees.

 "Hey, I see a new tree over there.  Is that a son of a beech?"

 "I don't think so.  Do you think it's a son of a birch?"  his
 friend replied.  They discussed this for some time but could
 come to no conclusion.   They ask around and other trees
 consider it, and animals passing by try to help, but no one
 can tell if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech.

 Finally they spotted a woodpecker flying by and asked him if
 he could help resolve their dilemna.  "Sure", he said and
 flew over to the new tree.  He flew up one side and down the
 other, checking the new tree out, to no avail.  He flew to
 the top and looked down and then flew and landed on the
 ground.  Still no dice.

 He thought to himself, I better go drum on this for awhile.
 He started pecking on the new tree.  RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT!
 Finally he flew back over to the other two trees and said
 his answer.

 "I have good news and bad news.  The sapling is neither a
 son of a beech.. nor a son of a birch.  It is however, the
 best piece of ash I ever had my pecker in."  Shaking his
 beak, he flew away!

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Subj:     Son Gives Dad A ChainSaw (S48)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/28/97

 A lumberjack had raised his only son ? had managed to finance
 the young man's college education by the only way he knew
 how, cutting down trees, by hand.  The young man had helped
 his father cut down some of those trees.  He knew how hard
 his father had to work to put him through college.

 When the son started college he promised himself the first
 thing he would do was to buy his father a present that would
 make the old man's life easier.  The son saved ? scrimped ?
 finally had enough money to purchase the finest chain saw in
 the world.

 On a school vacation the son asks his dad how many trees
 could he cut down in one day.  The father a large husky man
 thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20
 trees.  The son gave the father the brand new chain saw ?
 said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and
 only work half as hard.

 The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son
 in the world.  The young man left for school the next morning
 ? wasn't able to return until the next school break, 3 months
 later.

 When he arrived he immediately noticed that his dad appeared
 run down.  He asked if his father was feeling alright.  The
 old man replied that cutting trees was getting harder ? harder
 ? now with the new chain saw he was working longer hours but
 not cutting as many trees as before.

 The son knew there was something wrong ? thought perhaps the
 saw he purchased wasn't as good as advertised.  He asked to
 check it out.  Upon examining it he checked the oiler ? it
 was full.  He checked the gas ? it too was full.  He yanked
 on the cord ? immediately it roared to life.

 His father grabbed him by the shirt ? hollered "WHAT'S THAT
 NOISE!!!!"

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Subj:     Chainsaw Cuts Off Workers Head (S51)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97

 A guy is cutting down a tree with a chainsaw while his friend
 watches.  Suddenly he slips and cuts his friend's head clean
 from off of his shoulders.  They both work for the government
 so the guy reports the accident to his foreman.  The foreman
 says: "Well somebody's going to have to tell his wife", to
 which the guy replies "I feel a bit guilty so I'll go."

 The guy turns up at the wife's house, but so she would know
 he wasn't some kind of sick hoaxer he takews the decapitated
 head with him.  Holding the head by the hair behind his back
 he knocks on the door.

 A woman opens the door: "Yes?"

 "Excuse me," says the guy "Does your husband work for the
 Forestry Commission?"

 "Yes" says the woman.

 "Does he have black hair and a black beard?"

 "Yes"

 "And a scar down his left cheek?"

 "Yes, that's him" says the woman.

 "Well is this him?" says the guy, pulling the head from
 behind his back.

 "No," says the woman.

 "No?" says the guy, surprised.

 "He's a lot taller than that."

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Subj:     Tree Camaflage (DU)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-03

 During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised
 as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by
 a visiting general.  "You simpleton!" the officer barked.
 "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did,
 you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

 "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I
 may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used
 me for target practice.  And I never moved a muscle when a
 large dog peed on my lower branches.  But when two squirrels
 ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,  "Let's eat
 one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."

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Subj:     Short Tree Jokes (DU)

Top

Subj:     Nine Amazing Trees (S589)           From: ginafm           on 4/29/2008

 You can view these nine pictures of amazing trees on my web
 site by click 'HERE'.
 

Top

Subj:     Tree On The Lake (S465b)           From: auntiegah           on 12/17/2005

 Just a pretty picture of a tree on a lake.  You can view it
 on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Poem About the Forest (S389)
          From: Anonymous Jr on July 5,2004
 Come follow me, though I've no legs
 I'll lead you through the trees.
 Come follow me, though I've no voice
 to call you on the breeze.
 These woods are wild as can be,
 I know them well,
 come follow me, what am I?

 The answer backwards:
 htap si rewsna eht
 

Top
Subj:     A Man With A Plan (S320)
          From: JBCARY1 on 3/16/2003
The picture, "A Man With A Plan" can be viewed
on my joke web site by clicking 'Here'.
 

Top
Subj:     Burning Your Mail (S201b)
          From: jerry on 6/17/2002
 Bonehead award two goes to U.S. Forest Service ranger,
 Terry Barton, of Colorado who went into the woods to
 burn a letter from her estranged husband and set the
 State of Colorado on fire.

 103,000 acres and 22 homes were destroyed because she
 decided to burn the letter instead of simply tearing
 it up.  She could be sentenced to 10 years in prison
 and fined $250,000 if convicted.

 Nando Times 17-Jun-02
 

Top
Subj:     Gang Holds Trees Hostage (S250)
          From: rodney on 10/27/2001
 A gang in Germany are holding trees 'hostage' by
 threatening to chop them down if their owners don't
 hand over hundreds of pounds. Police say adverts in
 Hanover claim the gang will take on every kind of
 garden work at a reasonable price.  But when they
 show up as arranged, the men take out chainsaws
 and threaten to cut down trees if they aren't given
 money.
 One woman has already lost two trees for failing to
 find the money in time...
 

Top
Subj:     Short But Sweet (S51)
          From: RFSlick on 98-01-22
 NEWS FLASH from API newswire:
 For immediate release

 Tahoe
 The following was delivered to our offices less than one hour ago...

 FROM: THE TREES

 STop tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.

 theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS."
 

 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.

 Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
 arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
 trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
 

 My all-time favorite philosophy joke:
   What classic fallacy of logic is contained in the following:
      All trees have bark.
      All dogs bark.
      Therefore, all dogs are trees.
   The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
 

From: humorlist-digest V2 #253 on 98-10-22
 Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #294 on 98-12-14
 To all those tree huggers, try wipeing with plastic
 toilet paper!

From: igiggle on 8/18/2004 (S395b)
 I've killed so many plants.  I walked into a nursery once
 and my face was on a wanted poster.
 

From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
 Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
 A: The balls are just for decoration.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/18/2005 (S416b)
 Q: What do you call a gay X-mas tree?
 A: Spruce

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Smiley in Love from Smiley_Central

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