Subj: Tree, Plants, and Chainsaw Jokes
(Includes 56 jokes, 18 1118,22,cf,wYT2a7a,14)
Click "Here" for Trees-Supp
Tree and Beaver from
Also see BIRDS file - 'Two
BIRTHDAYS - 'From What Tree Did You Fall?'
BREAST file - 'Kinds Of Breasts And Penises'
CHRISTMAS3 - 'Woodstock's Christmas Tree' - Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip
GOLF1 file - 'Two Golfers And A Pine Tree'
GOD2 file - 'Woodcutter Meets The Lord'
......................- 'Lawns and God'
JOBS2 file - 'Government Road Workers'
MATH1 file - 'Cajun Math Test'
MATH3 file - 'The History Of Math Word Problems'
MENQUESTIONS - 'If A Man Speaks' - Sign
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Turtle Climbs A Tree'
STORIES file - 'Tired Carpenter Gets Ride Home'
TEST_FACES6 - 'Satyajit Ray's 11 Faces In A Tree' - Drawing
THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comics'
Subj: Red And Rover Sunday Cartoon (S915)
Created by Brian Basset in 2014
Subj: Chainsaw Cuts Off Workers Head (S51)
From: Ossama's Laugh in 1997
A guy is cutting down a tree
with a chainsaw while his friend
watches. Suddenly he slips and cuts his friend's head clean
from off of his shoulders. They both work for the government
so the guy reports the accident to his foreman. The foreman
says: "Well somebody's going to have to tell his wife", to
which the guy replies "I feel a bit guilty so I'll go."
The guy turns up at the wife's
house, but so she would know
he wasn't some kind of sick hoaxer he takews the decapitated
head with him. Holding the head by the hair behind his back
he knocks on the door.
A woman opens the door: "Yes?"
"Excuse me," says the guy "Does
your husband work for the
"Yes" says the woman.
"Does he have black hair and a black beard?"
"And a scar down his left cheek?"
"Yes, that's him" says the woman.
"Well is this him?" says the
guy, pulling the head from
behind his back.
"No," says the woman.
"No?" says the guy, surprised.
"He's a lot taller than that."
Mexican Tree Removal
..........in 2011 (S753d-iFrame)
Normally I do not forward homemade,
disaster videos, but
this one is funny and no one was hurt. Click 'HERE' to
see this 2007 video.
Subj: Pheasant Wants To Climb A Tree (S287, S622b)
From: mbucher in 1998
A pheasant was standing in a
field chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,"
the pheasant sighed, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch and so on.
Finally, after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Whereupon a farmer spotted him and
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot
the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit
might get you to the top, but
it won't keep you there.
Subj: The Thinking Tree (S1118)
From: Lawrence Davis in 2018
..........Puglia's gnarled old olive trees in Italy
..........can be more than a thousand years old.
Grinding A Tree Top To Bottom
From: Tony Gerritsen (S911d-On Site)
Photo from YouTube.com
In this video several 2 ft. diameter
trees are ground to
the earth from top to bottom. Click 'HERE' to see this
very fast way to change a tree into mulch.
Subj: Telling The Front From The Back Of A Tree? (S693)
From: rfslick in 2010
A redneck named Bubba from Georgia
decided to travel across
the south to Virginia to see God'S country. When he got to
Franklin, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay.
But first he had find a job!!!!
Bubba walked into the International
Paper Company office and
filled out an application as an experienced log inspector.
It was his lucky day!! They just happened to be looking
for someone right then. But first, the log foreman took him
for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to
see how much he knew.
The foreman stopped the truck
on the side of the road and
pointed at a tree and said "See that tree over there? I
want you to tell me what species it is and how many board
feet of lumber it contains."
Bubba promptly answered, "That
thar's a white pine, and
thar's 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
The foreman was impressed!!!
He put the truck back in
gear and started driving again. He stopped about a mile
down the road and pointed at another tree through the
passenger window. The foreman asked the same two questions
as before. This time it was a bigger tree of a different
The redneck replied, "That's
a loblolly pine and she's got
about 456 clear board feet."
The foreman was really impressed
with this good ol' boy.
This redneck was quick and he got the answers right with-
out using a calculator!!! But the foreman wanted to do
one more test.
They drove a little further down
the road, and the fore-
man stopped the truck again. This time, he pointed across
the road and said, "And what about that one?"
Before the foreman could finish
pointing, Bubba said, "White
oak, and 242 board feet at best."
The foreman spun the truck around
and headed back to the
office a little ticked off because he thinks the redneck
is smarter than himself. As they neared the office, the
foreman stopped the truck and asked Bubba to step out of
the truck. The foreman handed the him a piece of chalk
and told the him, "See that tree over there? I want you
to mark an "X" on the front of that tree!!" The foreman
thinks to himself, "Idiot, how will he know which is
the front of a tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree,
he walkes around it in a
circle while looking at the ground. He reaches up and
places a white "X" on the trunk. The redneck then walked
back to the foreman and handed him the chalk. "That thar's
the front," Bubba said.
The foreman laughs to himself
and asks sarcastically, "How
in hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The good ol' boy looks down at
his feet, while rubbing the
toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replied,
"Cuz someone took a shit behind it!"
Bubba got the job.
What Do You Hear?
in 2006 (S518c)
Source: (Removed from lablaughs)
This is a cute, Christmas comic
strip. You can view it
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: The Bacon Tree (S594c)
From: LABLaughsClean in 2008
Two Mexicans are stuck in the
desert, wandering aimlessly
and close to death.
They are close to just lying
down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what
I smell? Ees bacon I ahm
sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they
struggle up the next sand
dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture...
There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a
meerage? We ees in the Desert
'Pepe, when deed you ever hear
of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that...Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with
Pepe following closely
behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and
Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, true friend that
he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe...go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
... Eees a Ham Bush!"
Subj: A Tree, And A Wall Create A Picture Of A Face
Created by Tyree Guyton (S601, S1056)
Part of the Heidelberg Project
.For more than a decade, Detroiters argued over whether the
.Heidelberg Project, a world-famous square block of street art,
.was truly art or simply trash. By sundown today, there was
.little room left for debate. The city government had bulldozed
.most of it and hauled it away in dozens of dump trucks.
.This tree and wall create a picture of a face in this project.
.Click 'HERE' to see eleven similar, beautiful walls. (d-On Site)
Subj: Two Woodpeckers Argue (S521b, S690)
From: tom in 2010
An Hawaiian woodpecker and a
California woodpecker were
arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The
Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no
woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted
his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in
awe. The California wood-
pecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The
Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so
accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the
Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no
The two woodpeckers were now
confused. How is it that
the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian
tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the
Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the
tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering,
they both came to the same conclusion. Apparently, Tiger
Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder
when you're away from home.
Herman Sunday Comic Strip (S641)
By Jim Unger on 4/19/2009
This Herman comic strip discusses
the riddle of whether
a tree falling in a forest makes a sound if people are
are not there. Click 'HERE' to read this cute strip.
Subj: All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Trees (S482)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com in 2006
* It's important to have roots.
* In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
* Don't pine away over old flames.
* If you really believe in something,
don't be afraid to
go out on a limb.
* Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
* Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
* If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
* To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
* Grow where you're planted.
* It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
* Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
* Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
* If the party gets boring, just leaf.
* You can't hide your true colors
as you approach
the autumn of your life.
Subj: Chainsaw Carving (S1082)
Made by Gabi Rizea
From: Sam Perkins in 2017
Subj: The Tree Riddle (S423b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles in 2005
This multiple riddle dates from
the 19th. century. To solve
it completely, you are required to identify 65 names of trees.
Even we don't know all the answers. Where we do know (or think
we know) we have provided.
What's the sociable tree, and
the dancing tree,
And the tree that is nearest the sea;
The most yielding tree, the busiest tree,
And the tree where ships may be?
The languishing tree, the least
And the tree that bears a curse;
The chronologist's tree, the fisherman's tree,
And the tree like an Irish nurse?
The tell-tale tree, and the traitor
And the tree that's the warmest clad;
The layman's restraint, and the housewife's tree,
And the tree that makes one sad?
The tree that with death befrights
The tree that your wants would supply,
The tree that to travel invites you,
And the tree that forbids you to die?
The tree that will fight, and
the tree that obeys you,
And the tree that never stands still;
The tree that got up, and the tree that is lazy,
And the tree neither up nor down hill?
The tree to be kissed, and the
The tree guiding ships to go forth;
The tree of the people, the unhealthiest tree,
And the tree whose wood faces north?
The tree in a battle, the tree
in a fog,
And the tree that bids the joints pain;
The terrible tree when schoolmasters flog,
And the tree a mother and child do name.
The emulous tree, the industrious
And the tree that warms mutton when cold;
The reddest brown tree and the reddest blue tree,
And the tree one becomes ere one's old?
The treacherous tree, the contemptible
The tree to which wines are inclined;
The tree that causes each townsman to flee,
And what round fair ankles are twined?
The tree that's entire, and the
tree that is split,
The tree half given by doctors when ill;
The tree that we offer to friends when we meet,
And the tree we may use as a quill?
The tree that's immortal, and
the trees that are not,
And the tree that must pass through the fire;
The tree that in Latin can ne'er be forgot,
And in English we all most admire?
The Egyptian plague tree, the
tree that is dear,
And what round itself doth entwine;
The tree that in billiards must ever be near,
And the tree that by Cockneys is turned into wine?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
A)Tea Tree, Caper
O)Mango(Man, go/Orange (O range)
P)Olive (O live)
Q) Box, Dogwood
R)Lilac (lie lack)?
U)Tulip (two lip) tree,
Y)? , Hazel
CC)Ivy (I vie), Cotten
GG)Judas Tree, Fig
kk)Holly (wholly)? Clove
|Subj: Dividing The
Written by Sam Loyd (1841-1911)
At: (Removed from thinks.com)
After gathering 770 chestnuts,
How many chestnuts did each girl get?
I've been told by some of you anonymous mathematicians
that you don't bother with these puzzles if I include the
solution. So, if you want this solution go to the web site
Trees In The Snow (S1045d-On Site)
From: Nancy Bonesteel on 1/15/2017
Source: (Removed from facebook.com/Beautifulviews)
A lady from California purchased
a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points
in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,
she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady
slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then
told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She
sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied,
"Well, I had to get permits
from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-
growth timber from a recreational area."
Subj: Beautiful Tree Houses Of Australia (S907d)
Created by Real Wonders Of The World
Imagine you are walking into
an Art Gallery,
there are 4 paintings on the wall:
Painting(1) = a
tree with falling leaves, autumn season...
Painting(2) = many trees with lots of leaves and
Painting(3) = a tree in the winter season, with snow....
Painting(4) = a garden with trees and flowers...
Rank these four paintings according
to your preference,
from the one you like best to the one you least like...
Scroll down for interpretation:
This test is to see what you think is important when
choosing your partner.
Painting(1) = Money : your partner
has to be well to do.
Painting(2) = Figure : your partner has to be well built/
has a fantastic figure.
Painting(3) = Looks : looks means a lot to you.
Painting(4) = Personality : a person with good character
will attract you first.
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S617c)
by Bob Thaves in 2008
Subj: Trees Argue (S280b, S428)
From: DoctorDebt in 2005
A birch tree and beech tree carried
on a decades long
argument as to which tree was more attractive, taller,
etc. One day a sapling began to grow between the two
"Hey, I see a new tree over there. Is that a son of a beech?"
"I don't think so. Do you
think it's a son of a birch?" his
friend replied. They discussed this for some time but could
come to no conclusion. They ask around and other trees
consider it, and animals passing by try to help, but no one
can tell if it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech.
Finally they spotted a woodpecker
flying by and asked him if
he could help resolve their dilemna. "Sure", he said and
flew over to the new tree. He flew up one side and down the
other, checking the new tree out, to no avail. He flew to
the top and looked down and then flew and landed on the
ground. Still no dice.
He thought to himself, I better
go drum on this for awhile.
He started pecking on the new tree. RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT!
Finally he flew back over to the other two trees and said
"I have good news and bad news.
The sapling is neither a
son of a beech.. nor a son of a birch. It is however, the
best piece of ash I ever had my pecker in." Shaking his
beak, he flew away!
Subj: Bizarro Cartoon (S809)
By Dan Piraro in 2012
Subj: Tree Camaflage (DU)
From: TNKRTEACH in 1997
During camouflage training in
Louisiana, a private disguised
as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by
a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did,
you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered
apologetically. "But, if I
may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used
me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a
large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels
ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat
one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."
Subj: Waterfall - GIF (S973)
From: Rosemeire Moretto in 2015
Subj: A What Is It Riddle (DU)
From: LABLaughs.com in 2001
Dies half its life. Dances without
music, breathes without
breath. What is it?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
Subj: Short Tree Jokes (DU)
Advice From A Tree (S810d)
From: Nancy Tyler Bonesteel
Source: (Removed frim Facebook Photos)
How To Chop Wood Without Messing Around
From: Wimp.com in 2011 (S748d-On Site)
Subj: Man Speaks In A Forest (S940)
From: Jeffrey Brown on Facebook
Horse Gets Head Stuck In Tree
By Chris Irvine (in Horse file)
in 2008 (S625b)
Frank And Ernest Cartoon II (S621c)
by Bob Thaves in 2008
Subj: Poem About the Forest (S389)
From: Anonymous Jr in 2004
Come follow me, though I've no legs
I'll lead you through the trees.
Come follow me, though I've no voice
to call you on the breeze.
These woods are wild as can be,
I know them well,
come follow me, what am I?
The answer backwards:
htap si rewsna eht
Blondie Sunday Comic Strip
by Young and Lebrun
..........in 2008 (S620b)
Subj: Burning Your Mail (S201b)
From: jerry in 2002
Bonehead award two goes to U.S. Forest Service ranger,
Terry Barton, of Colorado who went into the woods to
burn a letter from her estranged husband and set the
State of Colorado on fire.
103,000 acres and 22 homes were
destroyed because she
decided to burn the letter instead of simply tearing
it up. She could be sentenced to 10 years in prison
and fined $250,000 if convicted.
Nando Times 17-Jun-02
Nine Amazing Trees (S589)
From: ginafm in 2008
Subj: Gang Holds Trees Hostage (S250)
From: rodney in 2001
A gang in Germany are holding trees 'hostage' by
threatening to chop them down if their owners don't
hand over hundreds of pounds. Police say adverts in
Hanover claim the gang will take on every kind of
garden work at a reasonable price. But when they
show up as arranged, the men take out chainsaws
and threaten to cut down trees if they aren't given
One woman has already lost two trees for failing to
find the money in time...
Tree On The Lake
..........in 2005 (S465b)
Subj: A Man With A Plan (S320)
From: JBCARY1 in 2003
The picture, "A Man With A Plan" can be viewed
by clicking 'Here'.
Subj: Tree Covered Path - Photo (S900)
From: Mary Elizabeth on Facebook
Subj: Short But Sweet (S51)
..........From: RFSlick in 1998
NEWS FLASH from API newswire:
For immediate release
The following was delivered to our offices less than one hour ago...
FROM: THE TREES
STop tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
theRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS."
Subj: Popsicle Stick Riddle (S814)
................Englewood Cliffs, NJ 07632
..........Click "HERE" to see 22 Popsicle Stick riddles.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate
of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
My all-time favorite philosophy
What classic fallacy of logic is contained in the following:
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #253 in 1998
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #294 in 1998
To all those tree huggers, try wipeing with plastic
From: igiggle in 2004 (S395b)
I've killed so many plants. I walked into a nursery once
and my face was on a wanted poster.
From: LABLaughsClean in 2009 (S628b)
"The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit."
From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 in 1998
Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
From: LABLaughsAdult in 2005 (S416b)
Q: What do you call a gay X-mas tree?