Subj: Darwin Awards1 (Gz)
(Includes 31 jokes and articles)
Suzi with Teddy
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
| >>>
Subj: Darwin Awards1 (Gz) (Includes 31 jokes and articles) |
|
Suzi with Teddy from Billy'S MovinG PictureS |
Also see ACCIDENTS1 - 'Iraq
Terrorist Dies'
......................-
'Bizarre
Forensic Case'
ACCIDENTS2 - 'The
Dumbest Deaths In Recorded History'
......................-
'Launched
On The Fourth Of July ...'
......................-
'Gravity
Kills'
......................-
'Deaths
At Disney'
......................-
'Man
Determined To Commit Suicide'
......................-
'Fun
With Beer And Guns'
FROG file - 'Freak
Accident After Frog Fishing'
SHIP file - 'Blonde
Boater'
WORD JOKES2 - 'Chevy
Nova Awards'
=============================================================Top
| Subj:
Darwin Awards Rejects (S595c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2008 Photo from
YouTube...
|
 |
You can view this video of five
accidents at the above source,
or on my web site by clicking
'HERE'.
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Subj: 2001
Darwin Awards (S262)
From: JBCARY1 on 2/5/2002
Honorable Mention: CHARCOAL GRILLED
October 2001, Florida | A dozen
Burger King marketing
department employees found out
first-hand why meat cooks...
when they burned their feet
on hot coals during a fire-
walking ritual. It’s the
heat!
One woman was hospitalized and
the others were treated by
a doctor summoned to the scene.
The company-sponsored
event was intended to promote
teamwork. Next time you
complain about your company’s
inane team-building exercises,
remember this story and count
yourself lucky.
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Subj: 1996
Darwin Award Nominees (DU)
From: JOELFALLON on 97-02-07
You may have seen the 1996 nominees
before, but the 1995
nominees are also included at
the end, I had not seen them
before.
Darwin Awards are (by definition)
granted posthumously.
This citation is bestowed upon
(the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has
done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the
human gene pool.
The 1996 nominees are:
[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified
man, using a
shotgun like a club to break
a former girlfriend's
windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the
gun discharged, blowing a hole
in his gut.
[Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to
death in December in Newton,
N.C. Upon awakening to
the sound of a ringing telephone
beside his bed, he reached for
the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith ? Wesson .38
Special, which discharged
when he drew it up to his ear.
(Died From Farting)
[Unknown, 25 March] A
terrible diet and room with no
ventilation are being blamed
for the death of a man who
was killed by his own gas.
There was no mark on his body
but autopsy showed large amounts
of methane gas in his
system. His diet had consisted
primarily of beans and
cabbage (and a couple of other
things). It was just the
right combination of foods.
It appears that the man died
in his sleep from breathing
the poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed.
Had he been outside or had his
windows been opened, it wouldn't
have been fatal. But the
man was shut up in his near
airtight bedroom. He was
". . . a big man with a huge
capacity for creating [this
deadly gas]." Three of
the rescuers got sick and one was
hospitalized.
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
Man slips, falls 23
stories to his death.
A man cleaning a bird feeder on his
balcony of his condominium apartment
in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories
to his death, police said
Monday. Stefan Macko,
55, was standing on a wheeled chair
Sunday when the accident occurred,
said Inspector D'Arcy
Honer of the Peel regional police.
"It appears the chair
moved and he went over the balcony,"
Honer said. "It's
one of those freak accidents.
No foul play is suspected."
[UPI, Toronto] Police said a
lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed
through a pane with his shoulder
and plunged 24 floors to
his death. A police spokesman
said Garry Hoy, 39, fell
into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early
Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the
building's windows to visiting
law students. Hoy previously
had conducted demonstrations
of window strength according
to police reports. Peter
Lauwers, managing partner of the
firm Holden Day Wilson, told
the Toronto Sun newspaper that
Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-
man association.
[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP)] Six
people drowned Monday while
trying to rescue a chicken that
had fallen into a well in southern
Egypt. An 18-year-old
farmer was the first to descend
into the 60-foot well. He
drowned, apparently after an
undercurrent in the water
pulled him down, police said.
His sister and two brothers,
none of whom could swim well,
went in one by one to help
him, but also drowned.
Two elderly farmers then came to
help, but they apparently were
pulled by the same under-
current. The bodies of
the six were later pulled out of
the well in the village of Nazlat
Imara, 240 miles south
of Cairo. The chicken
was also pulled out. It survived.
[Times of London] A thief who
sneaked into a hospital was
scarred for life when he tried
to get a suntan. After
evading security staff at Odstock
Hospital in Salisbury,
Wiltshire, and helping himself
to doctor's paging devices,
the thief spotted a vertical
sunbed. He walked into the
unit and removed his clothes
for a 45-minute tan. However,
the high-voltage UV machine
at the hospital, which is
renowned for its treatment of
burns victims, has a maximum
dosage of 10 seconds.
After lying on the bed for almost
300 times the recommended maximum
time, the man was covered
in blisters. Hours later,
when the pain of the burns became
unbearable, he went to Southampton
General Hospital, 20
miles away, in Hampshire.
Staff became suspicious because
he was wearing a doctor's coat.
After tending his wounds
they called the police.
Southampton police said: "This man
broke into Odstock and decided
he fancied a quick suntan.
Doctors say he is going to be
scarred for life.
"More intelligence-challenged people"
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested
in San Antonio, Texas,
after a mechanic reported to
police that 18 packages of
marijuana were packed in the
engine compartment of the car
which she had brought to the
mechanic for an oil change.
According to police, Brasher
later said that she didn't
realize that the mechanic would
have to raise the hood
to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I. Police
charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a
string of vending machine robberies
in January when he:
1. fled from police inexplicably
when they spotted him
loitering
around a vending machine and
2. later tried to post his
$400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested
in Lake City, Florida,
for robbery of a Howard Johnson's
motel. She was armed
with only an electric chainsaw,
which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column
reported that a robber
walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti,
Michigan at 7:50 am,
flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register
without a food order.
When the robber ordered onion rings,
the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The
robber, frustrated, walked away.
In case you've forgotten about
the nonwinning 1995 nominees,
some of them are listed below:
(Repairing Farm Truck)
* James Burns, 34, of
Alamo, Mich., was killed in March
as he was trying to repair what
police described as a
"farm-type truck." Burns
got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung
underneath so that he could
ascertain the source of a troubling
noise.
Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other
man found Burns "wrapped in
the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo
Gazette, 4-1-95]
* Same thing up here in
MI. Seems some poor fella thought
it would be a good idea to "move"
a downed wire from his
car. Newspaper reports
it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors
whacking away at him with a
2x4 to free their freshly fried
former friend from the fatal
flashing.
(Struck In The Head By A Train)
* Bowling Green, Ohio,
student Robert Ricketts, 19, had
his head bloodied when he was
struck by a Conrail train.
He told police he was trying
to see how close to the moving
train he could place his head
without getting hit.
* In Wesley Chapel, Florida,
Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in
the leg with pieces of the bullet
he fired at the exhaust
pipe of his car. While
repairing the car, he needed to
bore a hole in the pipe.
When he couldn't find a drill, he
tried to shoot a hole in the
exhaust pipe.
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Subj: 1996
Darwin Award Winner - Rocket Car (S183)
From: Internet Joke Archive
Do you know about the Darwin
Awards? - It's an annual honour
given to the person who did
the gene pool the biggest service
by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on
top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it.
The 1996 winner follows:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came
upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a
cliff rising above the road at the
apex of a curve. The wreckage
resembled the site of an airplane
crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at
the scene. The lab finally figured
out what it was and what had
happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow
gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off - actually
a solid fuel rocket) that is used
to give heavy military transport
planes an extra "push" for taking
off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into
the desert and found a long,
straight stretch of road. Then he
attached the JATO unit to his
car, jumped in, got up some speed
and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be
determined are that the operator of
the 1967 Impala hit the JATO
ignition at a distance of approximately
3.0 miles from the crash site.
This was established by the prominent
scorched and melted asphalt
at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly,
would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the
Chevy to reach speeds well in excess
of 350 mph and continuing at
full power for an additional 20-25
seconds.
The driver, soon to be pilot,
most likely would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for
dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, basically causing
him to become insignificant for the
remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the
straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the
driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires
and leaving thick rubber marks
on the road surface, then becoming
airborne for an additional 1.4
miles and impacting the cliff face
at a height of 125 feet leaving
a blackened crater 3 feet deep in
the rock.
Most of the driver's remains
were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and
hair were extracted from the crater
and fingernail and bone shards
were removed from a piece of debris
believed to be a portion of
the steering wheel.
Epilog:
It has been calculated that
this moron nearly reached Mach I,
attaining a ground-speed of
approximately 420 mph.
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Subj: 1997
Darwin Award Nominees (DU)
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
(Darwin awards are given to people
who improve the gene
pool by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily
stupid way)
BOTTOM OF THE GENE POOL
In October in Massapequa Park,
N. Y., four men, ages 19-21,
intending to follow a recipe
in the Underground Steroid
Handbook, failed to wait patiently
until the Drano-like
concoction had reached a satisfactory
pH level to make it
milder. The four were
hospitalized with bad internal
burns, and the concoction also
burned rescuing police
officers when the four men vomited
on them.
In November in Santa Maria, Tex.,
Luis Martinez, Jr., 25,
was stabbed in the neck with
a broken bottle by his uncle,
allegedly to punish Martinez
for not sharing his bag of
Frito's.
Phillip Johnson, 32, was hospitalized
in Prestonburg, Ky.,
in December with a gunshot wound
just above his left nipple,
which he inflicted upon himself
because, as he told para-
medics, he wanted to see what
it felt like. When the
paramedics arrived, said the
sheriff, they found him
"screaming about the pain, over
and over."
In November, a 60-year-old Polish
man in the village of
Kosianka Trojanowka, identified
only as "Czeslaw B," was
accidentally shot to death by
two homemade guns he had
mounted on his garage door to
ward off trespassers
(just 2 of 28 booby traps in
his house).
And in Slidell, La., in December,
Jason Jinks, 20, decided
to open his car door and back
up at 25 mph in order to look
for his hat that had just fallen
off. When he hit the
brakes, he fell out on his head
and, three days later,
died.
Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and
an alleged accomplice were
arrested in West Lafayette,
Ind., in May on theft and fraud
charges. Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had
written with disappearing ink,
apparently believing the
checks would be blank by the
time they were presented to
the bank for collection.
However, traces of ink remained,
and police said Pyrcioch would
have a better chance of
getting away with it if he had
not used checks pre-printed
with his name and account number
on them.
Funny Speed Bump Stories:
In July, one or more residents
of Wabash Avenue in Medford,
Ore., installed their own professional-looking
(but illegal)
speed bump on a street where
residents had long complained
unsuccessfully to the government
about speeding.
And a city official in Culemborg,
Netherlands, bought six
sheep in July and stationed
them on a busy road at rush hour
in order to slow down commuter
traffic.
And in August, a Pennsylvania
highway road crew inexplicably
re-paved state road 895 directly
over a dead deer near the
town of Andreas.
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Subj: 1997
Darwin Award Winner - Balloon Ride (S187)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-14
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
You all know about the Darwin
Awards - It's an annual honor
given to the person who did
the gene pool the biggest service
by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow
who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip
out a free soda.
In 1996 the winner was an air
force sergeant who attached a jet
engine (JATO) unit to his car
and crashed into a cliff several
hundred feet above the road.
Now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters
of Los Angeles-one of the
few Darwin winners to survive
his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry's boyhood dream was to
fly. When he graduated from high
school, he joined the Air Force
in hopes of becoming a pilot.
Unfortunately, poor eyesight
disqualified him. When he was
finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching
jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright
idea. He decided to fly. He
went to the local Army-Navy
surplus store and purchased 45
weather balloons and several
tanks of helium. The weather
balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four
feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped
the balloons to his sturdy
lawn chair. He anchored
the chair to the bumper of his jeep
and inflated the balloons with
the helium. He climbed on for
a test while it was still only
a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry
packed several sandwiches and
a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded
his pellet gun-figuring
he could pop a few balloons
when it was time to descend-and
went back to the floating lawn
chair. He tied himself in
along with his pellet gun and
provisions. Larry's plan was
to lazily float up to a height
of about thirty feet above
his back yard after severing
the anchor and in a few hours
come back down. Things
didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring
the lawn chair to his jeep,
he didn't float lazily up to
30 or so feet. Instead he
streaked into the LA sky as
if shot from a cannon. He did
not level of at 30 feet, nor
did he level off at 100 feet.
After climbing and climbing,
he leveled off at 11,000 feet.
At that height he couldn't risk
shooting any of the balloons,
lest he unbalance the load and
really find himself in trouble.
So he stayed there, drifting,
cold and frightened, for more
than 14 hours. Then he really
got in trouble.
He found himself drifting into
the primary approach corridor
of Los Angeles International
Airport. A United pilot first
spotted Larry. He radioed
the tower and described passing
a guy in a lawn chair with a
gun.
Radar confirmed the existence
of an object floating 11,000
feet above the airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung
into full alert and a heli-
copter was dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the
ocean. Night was falling
and the offshore breeze began to
flow. It carried Larry
out to sea with the helicopter in
hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter
caught up with Larry.
Once the crew determined that
Larry was not dangerous, they
attempted to close in for a
rescue but the draft from the
blades would push Larry away
whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended
to a position several hundred
feet above Larry and lowered
a rescue line. Larry snagged the
line and was hauled back to
shore. The difficult maneuver was
flawlessly executed by the helicopter
crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to
earth, he was arrested by
waiting members of the LAPD
for violating LAX airspace. As he
was led away in handcuffs, a
reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had
done it. Larry stopped, turned
and replied nonchalantly, "A
man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
\\\//
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Subj: Power
Poles And Beer Don't Mix (S188)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-25
(Darwin awards are given to people
who improve the gene pool
by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way)
There are many transmission lines
that crisscross Connecticut.
These are held up by Transmission
Towers of various construct-
ions. Those most commonly
installed near urban areas are
called "metal Ornamental Towers"
(supposedly prettier than
wood towers). Sometimes
adventurous folks climb the towers
in order to enjoy the view and
the night air. Most stay away
from the wires, and when they
get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn
after a recent spat with his
girlfriend needed some fresh
air to clear his head and decided
to climb a tower. He stopped
for a 6 pack to help clear his
thoughts, went to a tower south
of Hartford, next to I-91, and
climbed it.
Public Service employees later
pieced the story together. The
man sat there 60 feet above
the highway, drank his beer and
consoled his bruised ego.
After 5 beers, he needed to do what
people often need to do after
5 beers. It being such a long
hike down, he unzipped and did
his business right there off the
tower.
Electricity is a funny thing.
One doesn't need to touch a wire
in order to get shocked.
Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt
lines,like those supported by
the tower, could shock a person
as far away as 6 feet.
When the man "whizzed" near the
conductor (wire), the power
arced up his "stream" (urine
is an excellent conductor of
electricity), traveled up to
his private parts, and blew him
off the tower.
The guys at the power company
noted a momentary outage on this
line and sent repairmen to see
if there was any damage. When
they got to the scene of the
accident, they found a very dead
person, his fly down, what was
left of his private parts
smoking, and a single beer left
on top.
\\\//
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Subj: More
Darwin Award Candidates? (S28)
From: grs on 97-08-01
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every
year to bestow upon (the
remains of) that individual,
who through single-minded self-
sacrifice, has done the most
to remove undesirable elements
from the human gene pool.
Here are some current candidates:
(Skiing Death)
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San
Anselmo man died yesterday when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while
riding down the slope on a foam
pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was
pronounced dead at Centinela
Mammoth Hospital. The
accident occurred about 3 a.m., the
Mono County Sheriff's Department
said.
Hubal and his friends apparently
had hiked up a ski run
called Stump Alley and undid
some yellow foam protectors
from the lift towers, said Lieutenant
Mike Donnelly of the
Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit
the towers. The group
apparently used the pads
to slide down the ski slope and
Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been investigated
that the tower he hit was the
one with its pad removed.
Death By Hot Dog
[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo,
32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened
to call police, Puelo grabbed
a hot dog, shoved it in his
mouth, and walked out without
paying for it. Police found
him unconscious in front of
the store: paramedics removed
the six-inch wiener from his
throat, where it had choked
him to death.
Man's Looses Face at Party
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W.
VA] A man at a party popped
a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue, state
police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid,
bit the blasting cap as a
prank during a party late Tuesday
night, said Cpl. M.D.
Payne. "Another man had
it in an aquarium, hooked to a
battery, and was trying to explode
it," Payne said. "It
wouldn't go off and this guy
said, "I'll show you how to
set it off."
"He put it in his mouth and bit
down. It blew all his
teeth off, his tongue and his
lips," Payne said. Stromyer
was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according to
a spokesman at Charleston
Area Medical Division. "I just
can't imagine anyone doing
something like that,"
Payne said.
-------------------------
(Shot In Head With Arrow)
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors
at Portland's University
Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon
man shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow is
lucky to be alive, and will
be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right
eye last weekend during
an initiation into a men's rafting
club, Mountain Men
Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.
A friend tried to shoot a
beer can off his head, but the
arrow entered Roberts' right
eye.
Doctors said had the arrow gone
1 millimeter to the left,
a major blood vessel would have
cut and Roberts would have
died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw
at the University Hospital
in Portland said the arrow went
through 8 to 10 inches of
brain, with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skill, yet
somehow managed to miss all
major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert
tried to pull the arrow out
on his own he surely would have
killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he
and his friends had been
drinking that afternoon. Said
Roberts, "I feel so dumb
about this."
No charges have been filed but
the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation
stunt is under
investigation.
\\\//
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Subj: Potential
Darwin Award Nominees (S48)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
(Dying at a Medtallica concert)
Police in George, WA issued
a report on the events leading
up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake
(24) and his friend,
Ormond D. Young (27) at the
Metallica concert last Friday.
Uhlenake and Young were found
dead at the Gorge Amphitheater
after the show. Uhlenake was
in pickup that was on top of
Young at the bottom of a 20
ft drop. Young was found with
severe lacerations, numerous
fractures, contusions, ? a
branch in his anal cavity.
He also had been stabbed and
his pants were in a tree above
him, some 15 ft off the
ground; adding to the mystery
of the heretofore unexplained
scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge
Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake
and Young had tried to get tickets
for the sold-out concert.
When they were unable to get
any tickets, the two decided to
stay in the lot and drink. Once
the show began, and after
the two had consumed 18 beers
between the two of them, they
hit upon the idea of scaling
the 7 foot wooden security fence
around the perimeter of the
site and sneak in.
They apparently moved the truck
up to the edge of the fence
and decided that Young would
go over first and assist Uhlenake
later. They had not counted
on the fact that while it was a
7 foot fence on the parking
lot side, there was a 23 foot drop
on the other side. Young, who
weighed 255 lbs and was quite
inebriated, had jumped up and
over the fence and promptly fell
about half the 23 foot distance
before a large tree branch
broke his fall AND his left
forearm; unfortunately, he also
managed to get his shorts caught
on the branch. Since he was
now in a lot of pain and with
no way to extricate himself and
his shorts from the tree, he
decided, seeing bushes down below,
to cut his shorts off and fall
to the ground. Upon cutting the
last bit of fabric from himself,
he suddenly plummeted to earth,
losing grip of the knife.
The "soft" bushes were actually
holly bushes and landing in
them caused a massive number of
cuts. He also had the
misfortune of landing squarely on a holly
bush branch; effectively impaling
himself. The knife, which he
had accidentally released 15
ft up, now landed and stabbed him
in his left thigh. Apparently,
he was in a lot of pain.
Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake
had apparently observed the
last bit of this and, despite
his inebriated state, realized
that Young was in trouble.
He hit upon the idea of lowering a
rope to his friend and pull
him up and over the fence. This
was complicated by the fact
that Uhlenake was outweighed by his
friend by a good 100 lbs. Again,
despite his state he realized
he could use their truck to
pull Young out. Unfortunately,
because of his state, Uhlenake
put the truck in reverse, rather
than drive, broke through the
fence, landed on Young (killing
him), was thrown out of the
truck and subsequently died of
internal injuries.
"So that's how a dead 255 lb
man with no pants on, with a truck
on top of him and a stick up
his ass came to be" said
Commissioner Appleton. "The
gene pool could use a little
chlorine, you wouldn't believe
what we found on the bottom"
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