Subj: Darwin Awards2 (Gz)
(Includes 50 jokes and articles)
Teddy with Suzi
from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
| >>>
Subj: Darwin Awards2 (Gz) (Includes 50 jokes and articles) |
|
Teddy with Suzi from Billy'S MovinG PictureS |
=============================================================Top
Subj: 2000
Darwin Nominees: (S209)
From: ICohen on 1/29/2001
The Darwin Awards, for those
not familiar, are for those
individuals who contribute to
the survival of the fittest
by eliminating themselves from
the gene pool before they
have a chance to breed.
1. A young Canadian man from
Newfoundland, searching for a
way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with
which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not sur-
prisingly, this concoction made
him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house.
This resulting explosion
and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his
sister.
2. A 34-year-old white male found
dead in the basement of
his home died of suffocation,
according to police. He was
approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was
wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle
shoes, and a woman's wig.
It appeared that he was trying
to create a schoolgirl's uniform
look. He was also wearing
military gas mask that had the
filter canister removed and
a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the
hose was connected to one end
of a hollow wooden tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter.
The tube's other end
was inserted into his rear end
for reasons unknown, and
was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining
the circumstances of
his death to his family very
awkward.
(Strange Plane Crash)
3. Three Brazilian men were
flying in a light aircraft at
low altitude when another plane
approached. It appears
that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane,
but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They
were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants
around their ankles.
(Penis Electrocution)
4. A police officer in Ohio
responded to a 911 call. She
had no details before arriving,
except that someone had
reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival,
the officer found the man facedown
on the couch, naked.
When she rolled him over to
check for a pulse and to start
CPR, she noticed burn marks
around his genitals.
After the ambulance arrived and
removed the man - who was
declared dead on arrival at
the hospital - the police made
a closer inspection of the couch,
and noticed that the man
had made a hole between the
cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered
what caused his death. Appar-
ently the man had a habit of
putting his penis between the
cushions, down into the hole
and between two electrical
sanders (with the sandpaper
removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after
his orgasm the discharge
shorted out one of the sanders,
electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman
lost control of her car on a
highway near Marseilles and
crashed into a tree, seriously
injuring her passenger and killing
herself. As a common-
place road accident, this would
not have qualified for a
Darwin nomination, were it not
for the fact that the
driver's attention had been
distracted by her Tamagotchi
key ring, which had started
urgently beeping for food
as she drove along. In
an attempt to press the correct
buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
life, the woman lost her
own.
6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man
was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps
to bungee jump off a 70-foot
railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia,
a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot,
anchored the other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink
Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael,
a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was
found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assem-
bled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and
the ground", Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent
cause of death was "Major trauma".
(Rattlesnake Catch)
7. A man in Alabama died from
rattlesnake bites. It seems
that he and a friend were playing
a game of catch, using
the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt, a
future Darwin Awards candidate
- was hospitalized.
(Warehouse Burns)
8. Employees in a medium-sized
warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management
evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential
sources of ignition lights,
power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians
from the gas company
were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found
they had difficulty navigating
in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights
worked (you can see what's
coming, can't you?). Witnesses
later described the sight
of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled
a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in
the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces of it up to three
miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician
suspected of causing the blast
had never been thought of
as 'bright' by his peers.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: The
1999 Darwin Award Winner Is . . . (S164)
From: RFSlick on 3/18/00
(Telephone Relay Night Watchman
Dies)
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night
watchman Edward Baker, 31, was
killed early Christmas morning
by excessive microwave radiation
exposure. He was apparently
attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a
safety violation once last year,
accordingto Northern Manitoba
Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
Cooke. She noted that
Bakers earlier infraction was for defeat-
ing a safety shut-off switch
and entering a restricted main-
tenance catwalk in order to
stand in front of the microwave dish.
He had told coworker's that
it was the only way he could stay
warm during his twelve-hour
shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty
below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules
within human tissue in the
sameway that they heat food
in microwave ovens. For his Christmas
shift, Baker reportedly brought
a twelve pack of beer and a plastic
lawn chair, which he positioned
directly in line with the strongest
microwave beam. Baker
had not been told about a tenfold boost in
microwave power planned that
night to handle the anticipated
increase in holiday long-distance
callingtraffic.
Bakers body was discovered by
the daytime watchman, John Burns, who
was greeted by an odor he mistook
for a Christmas roast he thought
Baker must have prepared as
a surprise. Burns also reported to
NMSR company officialsthat Bakers
unfinished beers had exploded.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Darwin
Award Candidates? (S137)
From: JCary on 09/11/1999
1. A fierce gust of wind
blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car
into a river
near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to
break out
a window, climb out and swim to shore-- where a
tree blew
over and killed him.
2. Mike Stewart, 31, of
Dallas was filming a public service
movie in
1983 on "The Dangers of Low-level Bridges" when
the truck
he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge
-- killing
him.
3. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old
store clerk in Leeds, England
was so afraid
of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow
worker to
try to cure his toothache by punching him in the
jaw.
The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head,
and he died
of a fractured skull.
(Factory
Fire)
4. George Schwartz, owner
of a factory in Providence, R.I.
narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his
factory except
for one wall. After treatment for minor
injuries,
he returned to the scene to search for his files.
The remaining
wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.
5. Depressed since he couldn't
find a job, 42-year-old Romolo
Ribolla sat
in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in
his hand,
threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife
pleaded for
him not to do it and after about an hour, he burst
into tears
and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and
killed his
wife.
(Also see
'Mrs. Carson's Funeral' in
ACCIDENTS1)
6. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson
of Lake Cachexia, N.Y. was laid out in
her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners
watched,
she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of
fright.
7. A man hit by a car in
New York City in 1977 got up uninjured,
but laid
back down in front of the car when a bystander told
him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money.
The car then
rolled forward and crushed him to death.
8. Surprised while burgling
a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief
fled out
the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall,
dropped down,
and found himself in the city prison.
(Also see
'Irishman Hit By Four
Cars' in ACCIDENTS1
9. In 1976, a 22-year-old
Irishman, Bob Finnegan was crossing the
busy Falls
Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and
flung over
its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay
stunned in
the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into
the gutter.
It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to
examine the
magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through
the crowd,
leaving in its wake 3 injured bystanders, and an
even more
battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came
along, the
crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit--
Bob Finnegan.
In the space of two minutes, Finnegan suffered
a fractured
skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other
assorted
injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
(Hungarian
Railroad Accident)
10. While motorcycling through
the Hungarian countryside, Cristo
Falatti came
up to a railway border crossing just as the
crossing
gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was
joined by
a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to
the crossing
gate. A few minutes later a horse and cart drew
up behind
Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a
sports car.
When the train roared through the crossing, the
horse startled
and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with,
Falatti responded by punching the horse in the
head.
In consequence, the horse's owner jumped down from the
cart and
began scuffling with the cyclist. The horse, which
was not up
to this kind of excitement, backed away briskly,
smashing
the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports
car driver
came forward to try to pacify the three flailing
men.
As he did so, the crossing gate rose and the goat was
strangled.
At last report, the insurance companies were
trying to
sort out the claims.
(Also see
'German Head-On Collision'
in Accidents1)
11. Two German motorists had
an all-too-literal head-on collision
in heavy
fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was
guiding his
car at a snail's pace from opposite directions but
both in the
middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their
heads were
both out the windows where they smacked together.
Both men
were hospitalized with severe head injuries. The cars
weren't scratched.
12. In a case of "one thing
leading to another", seven men, aged
18 to 27
years, received jail sentences of 3-4 years each in
Kingston-on-Thames,
England in 1979, after a fight started
when one
of the men threw a French fry at another while they
stood waiting
for a train.
13. Hitting on the novel idea
he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by
giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built
an elaborate
harness to make it look as if he had hanged him-
self.
When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted.
Hearing a
disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what
she thought
were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot
the place.
As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the
outraged
and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her in the backside.
This so surprised
the lady that she dropped dead of a heart
attack. Mr
Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his
wife were
reconciled.
(Also see
'Its A Bad Day When......'
in Accidents1)
14. A few years ago in California
there was a raging brush fire.
Once the
fire was extinguished the firefighters began the
process of
clean-up. In the middle of where the fire had
been burning,
they found a man wearing a scuba tank and wet
suit.
At first the firefighters were baffled as to why a
man would
be in the middle of the country side wearing full
scuba gear.
Upon further examination, it was determined
that the
man died from the impact with the ground and not
the fire.
As best as anyone could determine, this man was
scuba diving
off the coast of California and was accidentally
picked up
by the firefighting aircraft when it was refilling
its water
tanks offshore.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: 1998
Darwin Award Winner- Pumping (S101)
From: scott_pryor on 99-01-03
Japan Times-April 16, 1997
"The government must crack down
on this disgusting craze of
'Pumping'", a spokesman for
the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital
told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will
destroy the cream of Thailand's
manhood." He was speaking
after the remains of 13 year-old
Charnchai Puanmuangpak
had been rushed into the hospital's
emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard
bicycle pump," he explained,
"inserting the nozzle far up
their rectum, giving themselves
a rush of air, creating a momentary
high. This act is a sin
against God."
It appears that the young Charnchai
took it further still.
He started using a two-cylinder
foot pump, but even that
wasn't exciting enough for him,
so he boasted to friends
that he was going to try the
compressed air hose at a nearby
gasoline station. They
dared him to do it, so, under
cover of darkness, he sneaked
in.
Not realizing how powerful the
machine was, he inserted the
tube deep into his rectum, and
placed a coin in the slot.
As a result, he died virtually
instantly, leaving passers-by
still in shock. One woman
thought she was watching a
twilight fireworks display,
and started clapping.
"We still haven't located all
of him", say the police
authorities. "When that
quantity of air interacted with
the gas in his system, he nearly
exploded. It was like
an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime,
and we must all say no to
Satan," Ratchasima concluded.
"Inflate your tires by all
means, but then hide your bicycle
pump where it cannot tempt
you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak,
the undisputed
1998 Darwin Award recipient!
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Other
1998 Darwin Nominees: (S101)
From: RFSlick on 98-09-27
They have finally been released!
For those not familiar
with the Darwin Award - It's
an annual honor given to the
person whose done the universal
human gene pool the biggest
service by getting killed in
the most extraordinarily stupid
way. As always, competitionthis
year has been keen again.
Some candidates appear to have
trained their whole lives for
this event
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a
41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing his head first
through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys
(Running off a cliff)
2. In October, a 49-year-old
San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned out when he ran,"
according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on
a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole
he had dug into the sand caved
in as he sat inside it.
Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or
protection from the wind, and
had been sitting in a beach
chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of
sand. People on the beach, on
the outer banks, used their
hands and shovels, trying to
claw their way to Jones, a resident
of Woodbridge, VA, but
could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to
free him while about 200 people
looked on. Jones was pronounced
dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado,
24, was killed in Lompoc,
CA, as he fell face-first through
the ceiling of a bicycle
shop he was burgling.
Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in
his mouth (to keep his hands
free) rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega,
GA, ROTC cadet Nick
Berrena, 20, was stabbed to
death in January by fellow cadet
Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife
could not penetrate the flakvest
Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26,
was killed in February in
Selbyville, Del, as he won a
bet with friends who said he
would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his
mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to
police in Windsor, Ont, Daniel
Kolta,27, and Randy Taylor,
33, died in a head-on collision,
thus earning a tie in the game
of chicken they were playing
with their snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old
boy fell off a 100-foot-high
bluff near Ozark, Ark, after
he lost his grip swinging on a
cross that marked the spot where
another person had fallen
to his death in 1990.
(Flashing Your Breasts)
9. AUGUSTA, ME - Four people
were injured in a string of
bizarre accidents. Sherry
Moeller was admitted with a head
wound caused by flying masonry,
Tim Vegas was diagnosed with
a mild case of whiplash and
contusions on his chest, arms
and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered
torn gum tissue, and
Pamela Klesick's first two fingers
of her right hand had
been bitten off. Moeller
had just dropped her husband off
for his first day of work and,
in addition to a good-bye
kiss, she flashed her breasts
at him. "I'm still not sure
why I did it," she said later.
"I was really close to the
car, so I didn't think anyone
would see. Besides, it could
not have been for more than
two seconds."
However, cab driver Vegas did
see, and lost control of his
cab, running over the curb and
into the corner of the
Johnson Medical Building.
Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcoran's
teeth. The crash of
the cab against the building
made her jump, tearing
Corcoran's gums with a cleaning
pick. In shock, he bit
down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's
wound was caused by a falling
piece of the medical building.
10. TAOS, NM - A woman went to
a poison control center after
eating three birth-control vaginal
inserts. Her English was
so bad she had to draw a picture
describing how she believed
she had poisoned herself.
A translator arrived shortly
thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie
Valishnokov thought the inserts
were some kind of candy or
gum, being unable to read the
foil wrappers. After the
third one, she realized something
was wrong when her throat
and mouth began to fill with
a sour-tasting foam. She ran
for the Poison Control Center,
only a few blocks away where
doctors were able to flush the
foam from her mouth, throat,
and stomach with no ill effects.
(Bungee Jumping)
11. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham,
had been drinking with
several friends when one of
them said they knew a person
who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the
middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and a
least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30
a.m. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought
bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of cable had been left
near the railing. Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied
to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot
off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into
the icy river water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say," explained Bingham,
"is that God was watching
out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation
for it." Bingham's foot
was never located.
12. On February 3, 1990, a Renton,
Washington man tried to
commit a robbery. This
was probably his first attempt, as
suggested by the fact that he
had no previous record of
violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid choices as
listed below:
1. The target was
H?J Leather ? Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was
full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is
licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the
shop, he had to step around a marked
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in
uniform was standing next to the
counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a
holdup and fired a few wild
shots. The officer and a
clerk promptly returned fire,
removing him from the gene
pool. Several other customers
also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else
was hurt.
(Also see 'Man
Determined To Commit Suicide' in ACCIDENDS2)
13. In France, Jacques LeFevrier
left nothing to chance
when he decided to commit suicide.
He stood at the top of
a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied
the other end of the rope to
a large rock. He drank some
poison and set fire to his clothes.
He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him completely
and cut through the rope
above him. Free of the
threat of hanging, he plunged into
the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and
made him vomit the poison.
He was dragged out of the water
by a kind fisherman, and was
taken to hospital, where he
died - of hypothermia.
DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS
1) In Guthrie, Okla , in October,
Jason Heck tried to kill
a millipede with a shot from
his 22-caliber rifle, but the
bullet ricocheted off a rock
near the hole and hit pal
Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.
2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October,
Martyn Eskins, attempting
to clean out cobwebs in his
basement, declined to use a
broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that
burned the first and second
floors of his house.
3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized
in Andover Township,
NJ, in September, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, by
a quarter-stick of dynamite
that blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2 AM,
the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it
out the window to see what
would happen, but they apparently
failed to notice that the
window was closed.
4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too
Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an
annual festival in November
includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year,
no bull was killed, but dozens
of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the head
and one Bobbittized. Said one
participant, "It's just one
bull against [a town of] a thousand
Morons".
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: 1997
Darwin Nominees: (S79)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-03
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every
year to bestow upon (the
remains) of those individuals,
who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, have done the
most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene
pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki,
33, and his brother
decided to remove a bees nest
from a shed on their property
with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal
firecracker which is the explosive
equivalent of one-half
stick of dynamite. They ignited
the fuse and retreated to
watch from inside their home,
behind a window some 10 feet
away from the hive/shed.
The concussion of the explosion
shattered the window
inwards, seriously lacerating
Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki
need stitches, the brothers
headed out to go to a nearby
hospital. While walking towards
their car, Ani was stung
three times by the surviving
bees.
Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was allergic to bee
venom, and died of Suffocation
enroute to the hospital.
(# 2) Derrick L. Richards, 28,
was charged in April in
Minneapolis with third-degree
murder in the death of his
beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards.
According to police,
Derrick suggested a game of
Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol (instead
of the more traditional
revolver) to Ken's head and
fired.
(Eating A Pastie)
(# 3) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified
29 year old male
choked to death on a sequined
pastie he had orally removed
from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't
think he was going to eat it,"
the dancer identified only
as "Ginger" said, adding "He
was really drunk."
(# 4) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk
security man asked a colleague
at the Moscow bank they were
guarding to stab his
bulletproof vest to see if
it would protected him against a
knife attack. It didn't, and
the 25-year-old guard died of a
heart wound. (It's good to see
the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(I.E. Non-fatalities)
Gulf Breeze, Florida, three
unidentified teenage males were
using a home video camera to
film an action/adventure
"movie" one of the boys had
written. In a scene that called
for each character to be
ignited by fire, the "special
effects coordinator," age 15,
prepared the "stunt" youth by
dousing lighter fluid onto his
clothes.
The intentional fire, which proved
unexpectedly difficult to
extinguish, left the young man
with third degree burns on
his left arm, torso, and
both legs. It was all captured on
film.
*************
In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28,
caught a small snake in a
container which he handed to
his wife. She opened the
container and, startled
to see the snake, dropped it. The
excited and poisonous snake
immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the
shin. Mr Cruwe survived the
wound and recovered after a
short visit to the local emergency
room.
*************
(Shooting Raccoons)
In rural Carbon County, PA,
a group of men were drinking beer
and discharging firearms from
the rear deck of a home owned
by Irving Michaels, age 27.
The men were firing at a raccoon
that was wandering by,
but the beer apparently impaired
their aim and, despite of the
estimated 35 shots the group
fired, the animal escaped into
a 3 foot diameter drainage
pipe some 100 feet away from
Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined
to terminate the animal, Mr.
Michaels retrieved a can of
gasoline and poured some down
the pipe, intending to smoke
the animal out. After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite
the fuel, Michaels emptied the
entire 5 gallon fuel can down
the pipe and tried to ignite
it again, to no avail. Not one
to admit defeat by wildlife,
the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first
approximately 15 feet down the
sloping pipe to toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding
fireball propelled Mr.
Michaels back the way he had
come, though at a much higher
rate of speed. He exited the
angled pipe "like a Polaris
missile leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph
McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was
launched directly over his
own home, right over the heads
of his astonished friends,
onto his front lawn. In all,
he traveled over 200 feet
through the air. "There was
a Doppler Effect to his scream
as he flew over us," McFadden
reported, "followed by a loud
thud." Amazingly, he suffered
only minor injuries. "It was
actually pretty cool," Michaels
said, "Like when they shoot
someone out of a cannon at the
circus. I'd do it again if I
was sure I wouldn't get
hurt."
**************
(Also see 'Falling
Cow' in ACCIDENTS2)
Earlier this year, the dazed
crew of a Japanese trawler were
plucked out of the Sea
of Japan clinging to the wreckage of
their sunken ship. Their rescue,
however, was followed by
immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the
sailors on their ship's loss.
To a man they claimed that a
cow, falling out of a clear
blue sky, had struck the trawler
amidships, shattering its
hull and sinking the vessel
within minutes. They remained
in prison for several weeks,
until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese
authorities that the crew of
one of its cargo planes had
apparently stolen a cow
wandering at the edge of a Siberian
airfield, forced the cow
into the plane's hold and hastily
taken off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the
Russian crew was ill-equipped
to manage a now rampaging cow
within its hold. To save the
aircraft and themselves, they
shoved the animal out of the
cargo hold as they crossed the
Sea of Japan at an altitude
of 30,000 feet.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Another
Darwin Award Winner (elephant) (S223)
From: gheckman on 5/3/2001
(Also see 'Elephant
Shit Kills Trainer' in ELEPHANT)
(Constipated Elephant)
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous
zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
fed his constipated elephant
'Stefan' 22 doses of animal
laxative and more than a bushel
of berries, figs and prunes
before the plugged-up elephant
finally let fly and suffocated
the keeper under 200 pounds
of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an
olive oil enema when the relieved
beast unloaded on him like a
dump truck full of mud. "The
sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground,
where he struck his head on a
rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to evacuate
his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern. "With no
one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least
an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time
he suffocated. "It seems to be just
one of those freak accidents
that happen."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Smiley scared to death from
Smiley_Central |