>>> Subj:     Facts2 (Gz)                  (Includes 24 jokes and articles)

Bear Fishing from PageWorks

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Subj:     During And After A Quake - Quiz (S592)           From: auntiegah           on 5/17/2008

 Source: http://www.nwcn.com/sharedcontent/features/flash/quake/during.html

 This cute ten question test on what to do during a quake
 is harder than you think.  You can test your knowledge
 at the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     2003 Issue Of Guinness (S294b)
          From: jerry on 9/18/2002

 Some highlights from the forthcoming 2003 issue of The
 Guinness Book of Records:

 - A man who holds the record for consuming the contents
   of a 14 ounce bottle of ketchup through a quarter-inch
   diameter straw: 33 seconds.

 - A man who now holds the record for the longest "spaghetti
   strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow:" 7.5 inches.

 - Fastest backward run between Los Angeles to New York City:
   107 days

 - Fastest consumption of wristwatches (huh?): One hour and
   34 minutes, according to an uneaten watch, I presume.

   Steve Harvey Column in the Los Angeles Times

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Subj:     Exploding Heads From Intense Use (S18)
          Copyright 1995 by Felix Kramer,
          From Felix's Humor Compendium

 From: WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994 MOSCOW --
 Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the
 brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head
 literally exploded in the middle of a championship game!

 No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four
 players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate
 Masters Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and
 brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew
 apart.  Experts say he suffered from Hyper-Cerebral
 Electrosis or HCE.

 He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the
 board, says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin.  All of
 a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in
 pain.  Everyone looked up from their games, startled by
 the noise.  Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his
 cranium, his head popped like a firecracker.  Incredibly,
 Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head
 has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have
 died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death
 occurred just three years ago in 1991, when European
 psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst.  Miss Nicole's story
 was reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN.  HCE
 is an extremely rare physical imbalance, said Dr. Anatoly
 Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human
 brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert.
 It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain
 become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The
 explosions happen during periods of intense mental
 activity when lots of current is surging through the
 brain.  Victims are highly intelligent people with great
 powers of concentration.  Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov
 were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral
 circuits overloaded.  In a way it could be said they were
 literally too smart for their own good.  Although Dr.
 Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases,
 he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE.
 Most people who have it will never know.  At this point,
 medical science still doesn't know much about HCE.  And
 since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years
 before research money becomes available.  In the meantime,
 the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too
 hard for long periods of time. Take frequent relaxation
 breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental
 focus, he recommends.

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Subj:     Moonwalker (S15, S577)
          From: Internet Joke Archive
      and From: darrellvip on 1/30/2008
          (Also see 'How to greet aliens' in ALIEN file)

 When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked
 on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step
 for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed
 it by several remarks - usual COM traffic between him, the
 other astronauts and Mission Control.  Before he re-entered
 the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.
 Gorsky."  Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
 concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However upon
 checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
 American space programs.

 Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what
 the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant but Armstrong
 never answering.  On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
 answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought
 up the Gorsky quote.  On the 26 of July he finally
 responded.  It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so
 Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

 When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his
 brother in the backyard.  His brother hit a fly ball
 which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window.
 The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy.  As he leaned down
 to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
 Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want?  You'll get
 oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 This urban legend is a fun story, but false, as verified at
 http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp

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Subj:     Mom Dials Cops For Daughter
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-17

 LONDON, July 2 (Reuter)--A terrified British mother put
 police on red alert after mistaking the sound of lovemaking
 for a cry for help from her daughter.  The Independent
 newspaper said on [July 2] that two accidental phone calls
 woke the woman in Devizes, southern England, in the small
 hours of the morning.  Hearing moaning, groaning and
 shouting, she dismissed the first as an obscene call, but
 in the second she recognised her daughter crying: "Oh my God,"
 and heard a man's voice.  Convinced her daughter was being
 attacked in her bedroom 100 miles (160 km) away, she dialed
 the emergency number 999 and a police squad sped to the
 daughter's home to investigate. "Officers rushed round and
 found she wasn't being attacked--in fact she was quite
 willing," a police spokesman said.  "They explained that
 during the moments of passion one of the couple [pushed an
 auto-dial button on their phone] with a toe.  Unfortunately
 on both occasions it was the girl's mother's phone number,"
 he said.  "This is a warning for other people--if you're
 going to indulge in this sort of thing, move the phone."

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Subj:     Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
          From: ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR

 Here's What You Do

 Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone
 problem.  But unlike most people she did something about it.

 The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby
 and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
 From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls
 not for her.  Since she had the same phone number for years,
 she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management
 to change its number.

 Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not
 change its stationery.  The phone company was not helpful,
 either.  A number was a number, and just because a customer
 was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make
 it responsible.  After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola
 decided to take matters into her own hands.

 At 9 o'clock the phone rang.  Someone from Memphis was calling
 the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday.
 Leoloa said, "No problem.  How many nights?"

 A few hours later Dallas checked in.  A secretary wanted a
 suite with two bedrooms for a week.  Emboldened, Leola said
 the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for
 $600 a night.  The secretary said that she would take it and
 asked if the hotel wanted a deposit.  "No, that won't be
 necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

 The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she
 booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for
 Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the
 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

 She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that
 she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest
 challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book
 the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

 Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked
 if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the
 hotel to take care of it.  The mother said that she would
 prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements.  Then the
 question of valet parking came up.

 Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet
 parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the
 drivers."  Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was
 a disaster area.

 People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
 Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
 Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper
 that the motel might go bankrupt.  Her phone rang, and an
 executive from

 Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for
 the motel."

 Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the
 telephone number."

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Subj:     Lighting Charcoal (S458)
          From: RobertTompkins on 97-05-01
          (Also see 'Chemistry Prize' in Ig Nobel file)

 Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills.  One of our
 favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble
 (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University
 engineering department.

 Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic
 in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on
 a big grill.  Being engineers, they began looking for practical
 ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.

 "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble
 told me in a telephone interview.  "Then we figured out that
 it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."

 If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in
 general, you know what happened:  The purpose of the charcoal-
 lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast
 they could light the charcoal.

 From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane
 torch, then an acetylene torch.  Then Goble started using
 compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn
 much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class,
 fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a
 reducing agent (the charcoal).  We discovered that a long
 time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and
 Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

 By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times.  But
 in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good"
 does not cut the mustard.

 Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid
 oxygen.  This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines;
 it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as
 regular oxygen.  In terms of releasing energy, pouring
 liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a
 live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador
 retrievers.  On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is
 http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs
 and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-
 long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not
 sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal
 and a lit cigarette for ignition.

 What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have
 ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble,
 reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit.  The charcoal was ready for
 cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

 There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same
 technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill.  All that's
 left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it.
 "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble.  "We were
 thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

 Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American,
 all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live
 anywhere near the engineers' picnic site.  But also, I was
 proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to
 barbecue in less time than it take for guys in less-advanced
 nations, such as France, to spit.

 Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken?  Will engineers
 come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting
 technology?  It's something for all of us to ponder this
 summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now
 and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana,
 looking for a mushroom cloud.

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Subj:     UA Agent's Quick Wit
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-30
          (Also see 'Flight Attendant Handles Angry Passenger' in PLANE1)

 An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in
 Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when
 confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
 cargo.

 During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a
 crowded United flight was canceled.  A single agent was
 rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.  Suddenly
 an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped
 his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
 this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

 The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to
 help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
 sure we'll be able to work something out."

 The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the
 passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who
 I am?"

 Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her
 public address microphone. "May I have your attention
 please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
 terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
 NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity,
 please come to the gate."

 With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the
 man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore
 "F*** you."

 Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
 you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

 The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded
 loudly.  Although the flight was canceled and people were
 late, they were no longer angry at United.

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Subj:     Exchanging A Pair Of Pants
          From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97

 OWATONNA, Minn (AP)
 Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the
 same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years -
 and each time the package gets harder to open.  This year
 the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.
 The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin.
 Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.

 It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin
 trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville,
 Ill.  Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he
 was a college student.  He wore them a few times, but they
 froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he
 gave them to Collette.

 Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them
 three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to
 Kunkel for Christmas the next year.  The friendly exchange
 continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly,
 stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave
 them back to Kunkel.

 The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a
 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale"
 to Collette.

 Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants
 into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it
 shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers
 back to Kunkel.

 The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were
 damaged.  But they were as careful as they were clever.

 Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that
 had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

 Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed
 them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut.  The
 can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete
 and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following
 Christmas.

 Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound
 homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and
 etched Collette's name on the side.  Collette had trouble
 retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without
 burning them with a cutting torch.  Last Christmas,
 Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon
 Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated
 it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and
 welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel,
 who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

 Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles
 south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that
 once was a car with 95,000 miles on it.  A note attached to
 the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the
 pants were inside the glove compartment.

 "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will
 definitely get them out.  I'm confident."  But he's waiting
 until January to think about how to recover the bothersome
 britches.  "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the
 offensive again."

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Subj:     US Standard Railroad Gauge (S51, S485c)
          or
         How MilSpecs Live Forever
          From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
      and From: edbabcock on 5/7/2006

 The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails)
 is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m).  That's an exceedingly odd number.
 Why is that gauge used?  Because that's the way they built
 them in England, and the US railroads were built by English
 ex patriots.

 Why did the English build 'em like that?  Because the first
 rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-
 railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.  Why did
 they use that gauge then?  Because the people who built the
 tramways used the same jigs and tools as they used for building
 wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

 OK!  Why did the wagons use that wheel spacing?  Well, if they
 tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some
 of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of
 the ruts.

 So who built these old rutted roads?  The first long distance
 roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
 their legions.  The roads have been used ever since.  And the
 ruts?  The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for
 fear of breaking their wagons, were first made by Roman war
 chariots.  Since the chariots were made by or for Imperial
 Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing (ruts
 again).

 Thus we have the answer to the original question.  The United
 States standard railroad gauge of 4 ft 8 1/2 in derives from
 the original military specification (MilSpec) for an Imperial
 Roman army war chariot. MisSpecs (and bureaucracies) live forever!

 So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what
 horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right.  Because
 the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to
 accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

 A followup to this story: .....when Napoleon marched on Russia,
 his army made much slower time than planned once they reached
 eastern Europe because the ruts weren't to Roman gauge.  Because
 they made slower time than planned they got caught in the field
 in the Russian winter rather than on the outskirts of Moscow.
 And then, of course, they lost the war.

 Now the twist to the story...
 From: FrankRoesc on 09/13/1999

 There's an interesting extension of the story about railroad
 gauge and horses' behinds.  When we see a Space Shuttle sitting
 on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached
 to the sides of the main fuel tank.  These are the solid rocket
 boosters, or SRBs.  The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory
 in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRBs might have
 preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be
 shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.  The rail-
 road line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains.
 The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly
 wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as
 wide as two horses' behinds.  So a major design feature of what
 is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was
 determined by the width of a hore's Ass!

 This is a wonderful story, but just an Urban Legend as stated
 at http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp

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Subj:     Carlsbad Caverns (S490b)           From: LABLaughsClean            on 6/2/2006

 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19950801
      to http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19950810

 This web page contains ten photos and an explanation for
 Carlsbad Caverns.  To see the story, click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #167

 PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold
 her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the
 stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.

 And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an
 excellent chance of collecting!

 "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked
 that we not use his name.  "How bright can you be if you
 think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?

 "But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling
 and false advertising issues.  She may not collect but she
 will make a lot of noise and trouble.  People are down on
 lawyers anyway.  They think we waste time and money on
 frivolous lawsuits.  This isn't going to help our public
 relations any."

 A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he
 is shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken
 seriously.  "All she has to do is open the box and read the
 directions," says the spokesman.  "Next thing you know
 someone will come after us because they couldn't stick
 things together with their toothpaste.

 "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't
 it?  Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?'"

 But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied
 to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay
 $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.

 "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former
 model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional
 basketball team.

 "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the
 food section.  I know, now, that the directions say it
 should be used vaginally with a condom.

 "But who has time to sit around reading directions these
 days - especially when you're sexually aroused?

 "The company should call it something else and the pharmacy
 shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer
 who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting
 pregnant."

 As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing
 the lawsuit.

 "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits,"
 said another attorney.  "With the courts bending over
 backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the
 times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action
 against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."

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Subj:     Bill To Dead Man's Mother
          From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97

 The Times of London reported in March that when an employee
 of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbastion, England
 recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother $20,000
 for the expense of settling his office work.  Included was
 a bill for about $2,300 to go to his home to find out why
 he didn't show up at work (thus finding his body), plus
 $500 for identifying the body for the coroner, plus about
 $250 to go to his mother's home, knock on the door and tell
 her thar her son was dead.

 After unfavorable publicity the firm withdrew the bill.
 Maybe Shakespeare knew what he was talking about when he
 said first we kill all the lawyers.

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Subj:     Most Embarassing Moments (S64, S233)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04
      and From: JBCARY1 on 7/20/2001

 The following are the first three winners of a Most
 Embarrassing Moment's Contest in New Woman Magazine.

 (Working Christmas Eve)
 "It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working
 behind the cosmetics counter.  I decided I would find a
 place to sit for a moment.

 I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting
 my feet on a cardboard box.  I allowed my body to ease into
 the can.  About that time a few customers came to the
 register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash
 can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came
 around the counter to help me - some pulled my arms while
 others held the can.  Then my manager came to the counter,
 wanting to know what was going on.  He said he was going to
 call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and
 lights.  My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut
 me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors."
   -- Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida

 (In Line At The Bank - S64)
 "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
 decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I
 was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
 looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told
 her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she
 would be punished.

 To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
 just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*,
 I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
 last night!'

 "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
 Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered
 up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
 my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when the door
 closed behind me were screams of laughter"
   -- Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

 (Answering The Phone Nude)
 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday.  I was
 living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening,
 so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
 "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone
 ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give
 her a piggyback ride to the phone.  Since we didn't want to
 miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

 When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
 came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'  My
 entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and
 all my friends were standing there!

 My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and
 embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

 "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
 party again."  -- Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
 

Subj:     Other Most Embarassing Moments

 (Going To The Hair Salon)
 I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
 in tow and asked  loudly, "How much do you charge for a
 shampoo and a blow job?"  -- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

 (Insurance Man Came To Visit)
 An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
 mortgage insurance.  He was throwing a lot of facts and
 figures at me, and I wanted to follow  as best I could,
 so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.  He
 came back  and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
 guest.  -- Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

 (My Christmas Photo)
 I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into
 the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
 Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for
 my camera and took a few shots.  They came out so well
 that I had copies made and included one with each of our
 Christmas cards.  Days later, a relative called about the
 picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a
 closer look.  Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
 shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
 captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing
 but a camera!  -- Name Withheld

 (Lady Golfer)
 I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
 balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been
 using.  After browsing for several minutes, I was
 approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
 at the store.  He asked if he could help me.  Without
 thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
 playing with men's balls."
   -- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

 (Nuts About You)
 My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
 sold a variety of nuts.  As we were looking at the display
 case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any
 help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."  My
 sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and
 I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
 has never let me forget.  -- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

 (Priceless)
 A lady picked up several items at a discount store.  When
 she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
 her items had no price tag.  Imagine her embarrassment when
 the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
 store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
 SIZE."

 That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
 apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
 In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
 intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
 OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

 (Mom's Advice)
From: jbcary1 on 2/6/2006 (S473c)
 A teacher noticed that Little Johnny at the back of the
 class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not
 paying attention. She went back to find out what was going
 on. Johnny was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
 just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.

 The teacher told him to go to the principal's office.  He
 was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
 about it. He left and returned to class a few minutes later.
 Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
 went back  to investigate, only to find Johnny sitting at
 his desk with his penis hanging out.

 "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.  "I did,"
 he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
 noon, she'd come and pick me up!!"

 (Smelling Poop At Taco Bell) (S327)
      From: woneye on 4/27/2003
      (Also see 'Kids are a Gas!' in Fart file)
 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
 My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
 training and I was on him constantly.

 One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
 between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining
 room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
 so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and
 she was clean.  Then I realized that Danny had not asked
 to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
 and he said "No."

 I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
 and I don't have any clothes with me."  I said, "Danny,
 are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

 I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
 smell was getting worse.  Soooooo! I asked one more time,
 "Danny, did you have an accident?"  This time he jumped up,
 yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
 yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

 While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
 laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.  An
 old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
 laugh they'd ever had!

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Stop The Timeline...I Want Off
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12
          (Also see 'Freshman Entering College in l999' in COLLEGE2)

 The people who are starting college this fall across the
 nation were born in 1980.

 Consider this:

 The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.

 They have no memory of a time before MTV.

 "New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.

 Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, and
 the Sex Pistols are all old music they have heard of, if
 they have heard of it at all.

 They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

 They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

 If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably
 as a losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some
 obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be
 made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.

 Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
 Depression.

 Their world has always included AIDS.

 Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can
 romanticize the 1970s.

 They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.

 They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids
 -- on video.

 Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.

 From their earliest years, a camera was something you used
 once and threw away.

 As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

 The oil crisis is history of which they probably know
 nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is
 beyond them.

 Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if
 they went to Catholic schools.

 [If you tell them the joke about the kid pulling a CD out
 of the cutout bin and saying "Wow! Paul McCartney was in
 a band before Wings!" they will give you a blank look and
 ask "What's 'Wings'?"  -psl]

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Approving smiley from Smiley_Central

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