(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 09817,4,cf,wXT3,3)
Bear Fishing from
Subj: During And After A Quake - Quiz (S592d)
From: auntiegah on 5/17/2008
Source: (Removed from nwcn.com/sharedcontent)
This cute ten question test on what to do during a quake,
is harder than you think. You can test your knowledge
by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: 2003 Issue Of Guinness (S294b)
From: jerry on 9/18/2002
Some highlights from the forthcoming
2003 issue of The
Guinness Book of Records:
- A man who holds the record
for consuming the contents
of a 14 ounce bottle of ketchup through a quarter-inch
diameter straw: 33 seconds.
- A man who now holds the record
for the longest "spaghetti
strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow:" 7.5 inches.
- Fastest backward run between
Los Angeles to New York City:
- Fastest consumption of wristwatches
(huh?): One hour and
34 minutes, according to an uneaten watch, I presume.
Steve Harvey Column in the Los Angeles Times
Subj: Exploding Heads From Intense Use (S18)
Copyright 1995 by Felix Kramer,
From Felix's Humor Compendium
From: WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May
24, 1994 MOSCOW --
Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the
brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head
literally exploded in the middle of a championship game!
No one else was hurt in the fatal
explosion but four
players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate
Masters Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and
brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew
apart. Experts say he suffered from Hyper-Cerebral
Electrosis or HCE.
He was deep in concentration
with his eyes focused on the
board, says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. All of
a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in
pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled by
the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his
cranium, his head popped like a firecracker. Incredibly,
Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head
has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have
died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death
occurred just three years ago in 1991, when European
psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story
was reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. HCE
is an extremely rare physical imbalance, said Dr. Anatoly
Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human
brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert.
It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain
become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The
explosions happen during periods of intense mental
activity when lots of current is surging through the
brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great
powers of concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov
were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral
circuits overloaded. In a way it could be said they were
literally too smart for their own good. Although Dr.
Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases,
he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE.
Most people who have it will never know. At this point,
medical science still doesn't know much about HCE. And
since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years
before research money becomes available. In the meantime,
the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too
hard for long periods of time. Take frequent relaxation
breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental
focus, he recommends.
Subj: Moonwalker (S15, S764)
From: Internet Joke Archive
and From: darrellvip on 1/30/2008
(Also see 'How to greet aliens' in ALIEN file)
When Apollo Mission Astronaut
Neil Armstrong first walked
on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed
it by several remarks - usual COM traffic between him, the
other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.
Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However upon
checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or
American space programs.
Over the years, many people have
questioned him as to what
the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant but Armstrong
never answering. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while
answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought
up the Gorsky quote. On the 26 of July he finally
responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so
Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, Neil was playing
baseball with his
brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball
which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window.
The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down
to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get
oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
This urban legend is a fun story,
but false, as verified at
Subj: Mom Dials Cops For Daughter
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-17
LONDON, July 2 (Reuter)--A terrified
British mother put
police on red alert after mistaking the sound of lovemaking
for a cry for help from her daughter. The Independent
newspaper said on [July 2] that two accidental phone calls
woke the woman in Devizes, southern England, in the small
hours of the morning. Hearing moaning, groaning and
shouting, she dismissed the first as an obscene call, but
in the second she recognised her daughter crying: "Oh my God,"
and heard a man's voice. Convinced her daughter was being
attacked in her bedroom 100 miles (160 km) away, she dialed
the emergency number 999 and a police squad sped to the
daughter's home to investigate. "Officers rushed round and
found she wasn't being attacked--in fact she was quite
willing," a police spokesman said. "They explained that
during the moments of passion one of the couple [pushed an
auto-dial button on their phone] with a toe. Unfortunately
on both occasions it was the girl's mother's phone number,"
he said. "This is a warning for other people--if you're
going to indulge in this sort of thing, move the phone."
Vicks VapoRub (S621c)
From: darrellvip on 11/30/2008
Photo from IndiaAbundance.com
During a lecture on Essential
Oils, they told us how the
foot soles can absorb oils. Their example: Put garlic on
your feet and within 20 minutes you can 'taste' it.
Some of us have used Vicks VapoRub
for years for everything
from chapped lips to sore toes and many body parts in between.
But I've never heard of this. And don't laugh, it works 100%
of the time, although the scientists who discovered it aren't
To stop night time coughing in
a child (or adult as we found
out personally), put Vicks VapoRub generously on the bottom
of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks. Even persistent,
heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay
stopped for many, many hours of relief.
Works 100% of the time and is
more effective in children than
even very strong prescription cough medicines. In addition
it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep
Just happened to tune in A.M.
Radio and picked up this guy
talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm
than good, due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs
so, I listened. It was a surprise finding and found to be
more effective than prescribed medicines for children at
bedtime, in addition to have a soothing and calming effect
on sick children who then went on to sleep soundly.
My wife tried it on herself when
she had a very deep constant
and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100%! She
said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her,
coughing stopped in a few minutes and believe me, this was a
deep, ( incredibly annoying!) every few seconds uncontrollable
cough, and she slept cough-free for hours
every night that she used it.
If you have grandchildren, pass
this on. If you end up sick,
try it yourself and you will be absolutely amazed at how it
Snopes.com says that the accuracy
of this article is
"Undetermined." You can read their report at the above
Subj: Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
From: ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR
Here's What You Do
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn.,
had a serious telephone
problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock
Plaza Motel opened nearby
and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls
not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years,
she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management
to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused
claiming that it could not
change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful,
either. A number was a number, and just because a customer
was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make
it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola
decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang.
Someone from Memphis was calling
the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday.
Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked
in. A secretary wanted a
suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said
the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for
$600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and
asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be
necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for
Leola. In the morning, she
booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for
Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the
82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine
during lunchtime so that
she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest
challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book
the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that
it would be no problem and asked
if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the
hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would
prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the
question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful.
"There's no charge for valet
parking, but we always recomend that the client tips the
drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was
a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings,
bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper
that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an
Marriott said, "We're prepared
to offer you $200,000 for
Leola replied. "We'll take it,
but only if you change the
Subj: Lighting Charcoal (S458)
From: RobertTompkins on 97-05-01
(Also see 'Chemistry Prize' in Ig Nobel file)
Our subject today is lighting
charcoal grills. One of our
favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble
(really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University
Each year, Goble and a bunch
of other engineers hold a picnic
in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on
a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical
ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.
"We started by blowing the charcoal
with a hair dryer," Goble
told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that
it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."
If you know anything about (1)
engineers and (2) guys in
general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-
lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast
they could light the charcoal.
From the vacuum cleaner, they
escalated to using a propane
torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using
compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn
much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class,
fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a
reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long
time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and
Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).
By this point, Goble was getting
pretty good times. But
in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good"
does not cut the mustard.
Thus, Goble hit upon the idea
of using - get ready - liquid
oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines;
it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as
regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring
liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a
live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador
retrievers. On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is
http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs
and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-
long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not
sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal
and a lit cigarette for ignition.
What follows is the most impressive
charcoal-lighting I have
ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble,
reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for
cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.
There's also a photo of what
happened when Goble used the same
technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's
left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it.
"Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were
thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."
Looking at Goble's video and
photos, I became, as an American,
all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live
anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was
proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to
barbecue in less time than it take for guys in less-advanced
nations, such as France, to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever
be broken? Will engineers
come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting
technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this
summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now
and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana,
looking for a mushroom cloud.
Subj: UA Agent's Quick Wit
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-05-30
(Also see 'Flight Attendant Handles Angry Passenger' in PLANE1)
An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on
this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to
help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who
Without hesitating, the gate
agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention
please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in
line laughing hysterically, the
man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore
Without flinching, she smiled
and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people
in the terminal applauded
loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were
late, they were no longer angry at United.
Subj: Exchanging A Pair Of Pants
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
OWATONNA, Minn (AP)
Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the
same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years -
and each time the package gets harder to open. This year
the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.
The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin.
Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette
received a pair of moleskin
trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville,
Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he
was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they
froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he
gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins
"miserable", wore them
three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to
Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange
continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly,
stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave
them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed
the pants into a
7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale"
Not to be outdone, the next year
Collette put the pants
into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it
shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers
back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the
caper if the trousers were
damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted
inside an insulated window that
had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered
the trousers, stuffed
them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The
can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete
and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following
Two years ago, Kunkel installed
the pants in a 225-pound
homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and
etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble
retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without
burning them with a cutting torch. Last Christmas,
Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon
Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated
it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and
welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel,
who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked
to Owatonna, 55 miles
south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that
once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to
the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the
pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning,"
Collette said. "I will
definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting
until January to think about how to recover the bothersome
britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the
Subj: US Standard Railroad Gauge (S51, S485c)
How MilSpecs Live Forever
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
and From: edbabcock on 5/7/2006
The US standard railroad gauge
(distance between the rails)
is 4 ft 8 1/2 in (1.44 m). That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why is that gauge used? Because that's the way they built
them in England, and the US railroads were built by English
Why did the English build 'em
like that? Because the first
rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-
railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did
they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools as they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
OK! Why did the wagons
use that wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some
of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of
So who built these old rutted
roads? The first long distance
roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the
ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for
fear of breaking their wagons, were first made by Roman war
chariots. Since the chariots were made by or for Imperial
Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing (ruts
Thus we have the answer to the
original question. The United
States standard railroad gauge of 4 ft 8 1/2 in derives from
the original military specification (MilSpec) for an Imperial
Roman army war chariot. MisSpecs (and bureaucracies) live forever!
So, the next time you are handed
a specification and wonder what
horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because
the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to
accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
A followup to this story: .....when
Napoleon marched on Russia,
his army made much slower time than planned once they reached
eastern Europe because the ruts weren't to Roman gauge. Because
they made slower time than planned they got caught in the field
in the Russian winter rather than on the outskirts of Moscow.
And then, of course, they lost the war.
Now the twist to the story...
From: FrankRoesc on 09/13/1999
There's an interesting extension
of the story about railroad
gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting
on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached
to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are the solid rocket
boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory
in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be
shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The rail-
road line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains.
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly
wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as
wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what
is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was
determined by the width of a hore's Ass!
This is a wonderful story, but
just an Urban Legend as stated
Carlsbad Caverns (S490b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/2/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
This web page contains ten photos
and an explanation for
Carlsbad Caverns. To see the story, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant
From Bawdy.Net Collage #167
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is
suing the pharmacy that sold
her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the
stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway.
And, incredibly, many legal experts
are saying she's got an
excellent chance of collecting!
"The woman is a complete idiot,"
said one attorney who asked
that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you
think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?
"But certain aspects of the case
involve truth in labeling
and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she
will make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on
lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on
frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public
A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop
drugstore says he
is shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken
seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the
directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know
someone will come after us because they couldn't stick
things together with their toothpaste.
"I can just imagine some moron
saying: 'It's paste, isn't
it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?'"
But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton
say she was swindled and lied
to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay
$500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'"
says Mrs. Chyton, a former
model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional
"And they kept it on the shelf
just two aisles from the
food section. I know, now, that the directions say it
should be used vaginally with a condom.
"But who has time to sit around
reading directions these
days - especially when you're sexually aroused?
"The company should call it something
else and the pharmacy
shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer
who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting
As bizarre as it sounds, the
pharmacy could wind up losing
"It's hard for businesses to
avoid troublesome lawsuits,"
said another attorney. "With the courts bending over
backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the
times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action
against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."
Subj: Bill To Dead Man's Mother
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
The Times of London reported
in March that when an employee
of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbastion, England
recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother $20,000
for the expense of settling his office work. Included was
a bill for about $2,300 to go to his home to find out why
he didn't show up at work (thus finding his body), plus
$500 for identifying the body for the coroner, plus about
$250 to go to his mother's home, knock on the door and tell
her thar her son was dead.
After unfavorable publicity the
firm withdrew the bill.
Maybe Shakespeare knew what he was talking about when he
said first we kill all the lawyers.
Subj: Most Embarassing Moments (S64, S233)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04
and From: JBCARY1 on 7/20/2001
The following are the first three
winners of a Most
Embarrassing Moment's Contest in New Woman Magazine.
(Working Christmas Eve)
"It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working
behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a
place to sit for a moment.
I spied a tall plastic trash
can and plopped down, resting
my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into
the can. About that time a few customers came to the
register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash
can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came
around the counter to help me - some pulled my arms while
others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter,
wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to
call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and
lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut
me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors."
-- Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida
(In Line At The Bank - S64)
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I
was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she
would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee
"The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered
up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter"
-- Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
(Answering The Phone Nude)
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was
living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening,
so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
"As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone
ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give
her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to
miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of
the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My
entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and
all my friends were standing there!
My girlfriend and I were frozen
in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
"Since then, no one in my family
has planned a surprise
party again." -- Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
Most Embarassing Moments
(Going To The Hair Salon)
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job?" -- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
(Insurance Man Came To Visit)
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and
figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could,
so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He
came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
guest. -- Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC
(My Christmas Photo)
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into
the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for
my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well
that I had copies made and included one with each of our
Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a
closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing
but a camera! -- Name Withheld
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been
using. After browsing for several minutes, I was
approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."
-- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
(Nuts About You)
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any
help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My
sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and
I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget. -- Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When
she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
That was bad enough, but somebody
at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB
OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
From: jbcary1 on 2/6/2006 (S473c, S817)
and From: tom on 9/8/2012
A teacher noticed that Little Johnny at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not
paying attention. She went back to find out what was going
on. Johnny was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go to
the principal's office. He
was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He left and returned to class a few minutes later.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
went back to investigate, only to find Johnny sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call
your mom!" she said. "I did,"
he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up!!"
(Smelling Poop At Taco Bell) (S327, S797)
From: woneye on 4/27/2003
(Also see 'Kids are a Gas!' in Fart file)
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and
she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked
to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have
had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked
to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An
old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!
Subj: Stop The Timeline...I Want Off
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12
(Also see 'Freshman Entering College in l999' in COLLEGE2)
The people who are starting college
this fall across the
nation were born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before MTV.
"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the
Pretenders, the Kinks, and
the Sex Pistols are all old music they have heard of, if
they have heard of it at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name "Oliver
North," it was probably
as a losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some
obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be
made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant
to them as the Great
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the
Disco Scare, they can
romanticize the 1970s.
They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
They watched "Star Wars" years
ago, when they were kids
-- on video.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
From their earliest years, a
camera was something you used
once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
The oil crisis is history of
which they probably know
nothing -- and why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is
Most of them have probably never
seen a real nun, even if
they went to Catholic schools.
[If you tell them the joke about
the kid pulling a CD out
of the cutout bin and saying "Wow! Paul McCartney was in
a band before Wings!" they will give you a blank look and
ask "What's 'Wings'?" -psl]
Interesting Medications From The Past (S659)
From: ft.apache on 7/27/2009
These nine photos of ads for
medications are amazing.
Click 'HERE' to see them.
............................Approving smiley from Smiley_Central.