Subj: Newspaper Headlines And Ads (Gz-m4)
(Includes 16 jokes and articles)
Calvin Cartoon
from
Animated Cliparts
| >>>
Subj: Newspaper Headlines And Ads (Gz-m4) (Includes 16 jokes and articles) |
|
Calvin Cartoon from Animated Cliparts |
Also see BUMPERSTICKERS- (see
whole file)
CLOTHING file - 'Real
Clever Shopping Bags'
DATING1 file - 'Personal
Ad'
DRINKING BEER1- 'Miller
Beer Ad'
EAST EUROPEAN - 'Pro
USA Editorial f/Romanian Newspaper'
JOB-STUFF-SUPP- 'Smart
Marketing'
LISTS file - 'Headlines
2050'
NATIONAL2 file- 'The
Future In Year 2035'
ONELINERS - (see
whole file)
DOCTOR3 file - 'Newspaper
Headline'
SIGNS-NAMES - (see whole
file)
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| Subj:
Russian Beer Ad #1 (S506c in Russian)
From: auntiegah@yahoo.com on 10/3/2006 |
 |
To view this short, cute commercial on my web site click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Mom
Sells Rule-Breaking Son's Car (S573)
From: ginafm on 1/11/2008
Jan 9, 2008
Jane Hambleton has dubbed herself
the "meanest mom on the
planet."
After finding alcohol in her
son's car, she decided to sell
the car and share her 19-year-old's
misdeed with everyone —
by placing an ad in the local
newspaper.
The ad reads: "OLDS 1999 Intrigue.
Totally uncool parents
who obviously don't love teenage
son, selling his car. Only
driven for three weeks before
snoopy mom who needs to get a
life found booze under front
seat. $3,700/offer. Call
meanest mom on the planet."
Hambleton has heard from people
besides interested buyers
since recently placing the ad
in The Des Moines Register.
The 48-year-old from Fort Dodge
says she has fielded more
than 70 telephone calls from
emergency room technicians,
nurses, school counselors and
even a Georgia man who
wanted to congratulate her.
"The ad cost a fortune, but you
know what? I'm telling
people what happened here,"
Hambleton says. "I'm not just
gonna put the car for resale
when there's nothing wrong
with it, except the driver made
a dumb decision.
"It's overwhelming the number
of calls I've gotten from
people saying 'Thank you, it's
nice to see a responsible
parent.' So far there
are no calls from anyone saying,
'You're really strict. You're
real overboard, lady.'"
The only critic is her son, who
Hambleton says is "very,
very unhappy" with the ad and
claims the alcohol was left
by a passenger.
Hambleton believes her son but
has decided mercy isn't the
best policy in this case.
She says she set two rules when
she bought the car at Thanksgiving:
No booze, and always
keep it locked.
The car has been sold, but Hambleton
says she will continue
the ad for another week — just
for the feedback.
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Subj: International
Marketing Ads (S492c)
From: drgolfmd on 6/24/2006
The Dairy Association's huge
success with the campaign "Got
Milk?" prompted them to expand
advertising to Mexico. It was
soon brought to their attention
the Spanish translation read,
"Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It
Loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer
Electrolux used the following
in an American campaign: "Nothing
sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist
Stick," a curling iron, in to
Germany only to find out that
"mist" is slang for manure. Not
too many people had use for
the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby
food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US,
with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa,
companies routinely put
pictures on the labels of what's
inside, since many people can't
read.
An American T-shirt maker in
Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's
visit. Instead of "I Saw the
Pope" (el Papa), the shirts
read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the
Pepsi Generation" translated into
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors
Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was
first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole"
or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness
in the mouth."
When American Airlines wanted
to advertise its new leather first
class seats in the Mexican market,
it translated its "Fly In
Leather" campaign literally,
which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en
cuero) in Spanish.
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Subj:
Russian Beer Ad #2 (S506c in Russian)
From: auntiegah on 10/3/2006 |
To view this short, cute commercial on my web site click 'HERE'.
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Subj: Irish
Personal Ads (S447)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/19/2005
"Personal ads" in the Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area.
Seeks gorgeous sex addict
interested in a man who loves
his pints, cigarettes,
Glasgow Celtic Football Club
and has been known to starting
fights on Patrick Street at
three o'clock in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin
man, lately rejected by
longtime fianc?e, seeks decent,
honest, reliable woman,
if such a thing still exists
in this cruel world of
hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a
troublemaker, gets slit-eyed
and shirty after a few scoops,
seeks attractive, wealthy
lady for bail purposes, maybe
more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old
bastard, living in a
damp cottage in the arse end
of Roscommon, seeks
attractive 21 year old blonde
lady, with a lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build,
brown hair, blue eyes,
seeks alibi for the night of
February 27 between 8 PM
and 11:30 PM.
------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks
a blonde 20 year old
double-jointed supermodel, who
owns her own brewery,
and has an open-minded twin
sister.
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Subj: The
Newspapers (S354b)
From: Imogenelumen on 11/8/2003
1. The Wall Street Journal is
read by the people
who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read
by people
who think they
run the country.
3. The New York Times is read
by people who think they should
run the country,
and who are very good at crosswords.
4. USA Today is read by people
who think they ought to run
the country but
don't really understand the Washington
Post. They do,
however, like their statistics shown in
pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read
by people who wouldn't mind
running the country,
if they could spare the time, and if
they didn't have
to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by
people whose parents used to
run the country
and did a far superior job of it, thank
you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is
read by people who aren't too
sure who's running
the country, and don't really care as
long as they can
get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read
by people who don't care who's
running the country,
as long as they do something really
scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle
is read by people who aren't
sure there is a
country .... or that anyone is running
it; but whoever
it is, they oppose all that they stand
for. There
are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority
feminist atheist dwarfs, who also
happen to be illegal
aliens from ANY country or galaxy
as long as they
are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people
who are running
another country
but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by
people trapped in line
at the grocery
store.
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| Subj:
Australian Bike Commercial (S512b in Bicycle)
From: edapsmas on 11/8/2006 |
 |
You can view this cute 1,500
KB commercial on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Viagra
Advertising Slogans (S316b)
From: gheckman on 2/18/2003
The boss of Stone Marketing called
a spontaneous staff
meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week.
When everyone gathered, the
employer, who understood the
benefits of having fun, told
the burnt-out staff the
purpose of the meeting was to
have a quick contest. The
theme was Viagra advertising
slogans. The only rule was
that they had to use past ad
slogans, originally written
for other products, that captured
the essence of Viagra.
Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned
in their suggestions
and created a Top Ten List.
After all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for
everyone.
The top ten:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker up!
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs...
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Subj: Classified
Ads (S292)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/5/2002
Classified sections of city newspapers.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member
of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag sale. Handmade
gifts for the
hard to find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age
children requires person
to assume general housekeeping
duties. Must be capable
of contributing to growth of
family.
And now, the Superstore unequaled
in size, unmatched in
variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine
and adjust tension in
your home for $1.00.
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Subj: New
York Post's Error (S388)
From: jerry on 7/6/2004
Source: http://lerman.biz/pics/Gallery22.html
The New York Post, too anxious
to be the first to tell you
so, declared on their front
cover that Presidential hopeful
John Kerry picked Dick Gephardt
as his running mate. Two
hours later Kerry officially
announced that his running mate
is Senator John Edwards.
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Subj: Real
Meanings of Personal Ad Codes (S275c, S491c)
From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
and
From: darrell94590 on 6/18/2006
(See 'Secrets
Of Women's Language' in DIFFERENCES3
and 'Woman's Dictionary'
in WOMEN3
The real meaning behind the abbreviations
in personal ads:
40-ish............. 48
Adventurer......... Has had
more partners than you ever will
Athletic........... Flat-chested
Average looking.... Ugly
Beautiful.......... Pathological
liar
Contagious Smile... Bring your
penicillin
Educated........... College
dropout
Emotionally Secure. Medicated
Feminist........... Fat; ball
buster
Free spirit........ Substance
user
Friendship first... Trying to
live down reputation as slut
Fun................ Annoying
Gentle............. Comatose
Good Listener...... Borderline
Autistic
New-Age............ All body
hair, all the time
Old-fashioned...... Lights out,
missionary position only
Open-minded........ Desperate
Outgoing........... Loud
Passionate......... Loud
Poet............... Depressive
Schzophrenic
Professional....... Real Witch
Redhead............ Shops the
Clairol section
Reubenesque........ Grossly
Fat
Romantic........... Looks better
by candle light
Voluptuous......... Very Fat
Weight proportional
to height........ Hugely
Fat
Wants Soulmate..... One step
away from stalking
Widow.............. Nagged first
husband to death
Young at heart..... Toothless
crone
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Subj: Personal
Ads (S62)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/8/98
Actual personal ads from actual newspapers across America.
Women Seeking Men
=================
I like driving around with my
two cats, especially on the
freeway. I make them wear little
hats so that I can use the
carpool lane. Way too much time
on your hands too? Call me.
SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced,
tattooed, insane,
hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading,
sushi-eating, cartoon-
watching redhead from Hell,
seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours.
BITE ME.
Don't call me if you are uneducated;
unemployed; unhealthy
smoker; felon; under 30 years
old, 5'10"; over 40 years old,
6'8", 230 pounds; like cats,
channel surfing; make less than
$30,000 annually; or have body
parts pierced. Others feel free.
Men Seeking Women
=================
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking
redneck seeks sexy
woman with big hair to cook,
clean and pick up unemployment
checks.
Desperate lonely loser, SWM,
32, miserable, apathetic, tired
of watching TV and my roommate's
hair fall out. Seeks
depressed, unattractive SWF,
25-32, no sense of humor, for
long talks about the macabre.
Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving,
romantic S/DWF with round,
bulging bubble butt and pretty
face with monogamous intentions,
28-40.
Thick glasses, HP calculator,
SAT 99th percentile, knows pi
to 16 digits. Great job,
big house, pool. SWM, 33, 6'0",
144 lbs. Better looking
than Bill Gates.
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| Subj:
Four Great Commercials (S509c)
From: darrell94590 on 10/18/2006 |
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This 4,900 KB movie contains
four short, funny commercials.
You can view them on my web
site by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Classic
Headlines (S177, S385b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16
and
From: janeenmarie on 6/11/2004
These are REAL Headlines with
double meanings that have
appeared in newspapers from
around the world.
Include Your Children when Baking
Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run
Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus
Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin
Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins
Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around
Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Faulkland
Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But
More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With
Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after
Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting
Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18
Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for
Second Times in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection
from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces
Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping
Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts
Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut
in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot
Doctors
From: smiles@bapp.com (HAND! #1235)
on 6/21/00
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -
Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal
By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door - Doctors
Pull Him Through
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails
- Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Antique Stripper to Display
Wares at Store
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's
Kin
Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's
Resolve to Do Better
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney
from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation
at High School
Defendants Speech Ends in Long
Sentence
Stiff Opposition Expected to
Casketless Funeral Plan
Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
Quarter of a Million Chinese
Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More
Lies Ahead
Deaf College Opens Doors to
Hearing
Prosecutor Releases Probe into
Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced
by Alumni
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers
Request Training
From: janeenmarie on 6/11/2004
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
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Subj: Actual
News Headlines (S37)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
Picture yourself opening the newspaper and seeing these:
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH
PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF
HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON,
STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S
HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX
POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S
BLOW
Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING
CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS
RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW
COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS The
Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH
A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF
MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle
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Subj: Short
Headlines And Ads
 |
Subj:
Headlines From 2004 And 2008 (S615b in Obama)
by Eric Allie From: TownHall.com on 11/5/2008 |
| Subj:
The Protector (S614b in Canadian)
From: gattica30 on 10/9/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Prize Winning Ad (S612)
From: tom on 10/2/2008 |
| Subj:
Motorcycle for Sale (S608c in Harley)
From: ginafm on 8/30/2008 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Creative Advertising (S541c in Sign-Supp)
From: jbcary1 on 5/24/2007 |
| Subj: News
For The Year You Were Born (S573c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/7/2008 (in Birthdays) Drawing
from www.artzooks.com...
|
 |
 |
Subj:
Trunk Monkeys (S555 - cars-supp)
From: AFine963 on 9/7/2007 |
| Subj:
Brazilian Bed Advertisements (S554b)
From: SCOTCOB (in Latin America) on 8/24/2007 |
 |
Top
Subj: Time
Traveler Ad (S503c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/7/2006
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19940927
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Top
Subj: Finding
A Date In The Personal Column (S316b)
From: gheckman on 2/18/2003
After four years of separation,
my wife and I finally
divorced amicably. I wanted
to date again, but I had
no idea of how to start, so
I decided to look in the
personals column of the local
newspaper.
After reading through all the
listings, I circled three
that seemed possible in terms
of age and interest, but
I put off calling them and left
the newspaper by the phone.
Two days later, there was a message
on my answering
machine from my ex-wife.
"I came over to your house to
borrow some tools today and
saw the ads you circled in the
paper. Don't call the
one in the second column. It's me."
 |
Subj:
Free To Good Home (S587b in Marriage6)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/16/2008 |
| Subj:
Bus Advertizing (S578c)
From: darrellvip on 2/7/2008 |
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Newspaper from
Smiley_Central |