Subj: Thoughts Silly Supp (Gz)
(Includes 45 jokes and articles)
Jester from
Arts Massachutts EchoCommunity
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Subj: Thoughts Silly Supp (Gz) (Includes 45 jokes and articles) |
|
Jester from Arts Massachutts EchoCommunity |
| Subj:
Deadly Sins (S534)
From: Quizopolis.com on 4/15/2007 |
 |
Cartoon from
Quizopolis.com |
Take this thirty-five question,
check-the-box quiz to
find which "Deadly Sin" is yours.
As you can see from
the picture, mine was gluttony.
You must take the quiz
at the source above.
\\\//
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Subj: Daffy-nitions
(S596)
From: darrellvip on 6/19/2008
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing
at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up
and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before
they are born and
after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and
wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed
out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep
in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without
damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like
flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person
at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person
scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to
extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving
devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.
\\\//
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Subj: All I Need to Know About Life
I Learned From Shopping (S475c)
From:
Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/20/2006
Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
If it's on sale, you need it.
Never ask your mother her opinion.
You can always take it back.
You'll grow into it.
By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.
Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".
If they're working on commission, they're lying.
Know when to yell, "Charge!"
So many malls, so little time.
If you put it on your credit
card, it's not really
spending money.
Always try to spend someone else's money first.
There's no such thing as compulsive
shopping, just
enthusiastic shopping.
Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.
If you've still got checks, there
must be money
in the account.
You can always get more credit.
If you want it, you deserve it.
\\\//
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Subj: A Few
Things to Ponder (S458)
From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 10/29/2005
1- Love is grand; divorce is at least a hundred grand.
2- Time may be a great healer,
but it's also
a lousy beautician.
3- Remember: amateurs built
the ark, professionals built
the Titanic.
4- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
5- Conscience is what hurts
when everything else
feels so
good.
6- An optimist thinks that this
is the best possible world.
A pessimist
fears that this is true.
7- Even if you are on the right
track, you'll get run over
if you just
stand there.
8- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.
9- I am having an out of money experience.
10- It's frustrating when you
know all the answers, but
nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
11- You're getting old when you
get the same sensation from
a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
12- Brain cells come and brain
cells go, but fat cells
live forever.
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Subj: Twelve
Things To Ponder (S376)
From: Imogenelumen on 4/8/2004
12. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
11. Life is sexually transmitted.
10. Good health is merely the
slowest possible rate at
which one
can die.
9. Men have two emotions: Hungry
and Horny. If he isn't
horny, make
him a sandwich.
8. Give a person a fish and
you feed them for a day; teach
a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you
for weeks.
7. Some people are like Slinkies
... not really good for
anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you
see one tumble
down the stairs.
6. Health nuts are going to
feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals
dying of nothing.
5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
4. Why does a slight tax increase
cost you two hundred
dollars and
a substantial tax cut saves you only
thirty cents?
3. In the 60's people took acid
to make the world weird.
Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make
it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be
the second oldest profession.
I have come
to realize that it bears a very close
resemblance
to the oldest.
1. We read about all terrorists
these days. Many of them
came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired
visas, some
for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare
that to Blockbuster
- if you are two days late returning
a video,
those people are all over you. I think we should
put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration
\\\//
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Subj: Deep
Thoughts IV (S493c)
From: darrell94590 on 7/3/2006
Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously:
1. Okay . . . so what's the speed of dark?
2. Every one has a photographic
memory. Some just don't
have film.
3. What happens if you get scared half to death.........twice?
4. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
5. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
6. Inside every older person
is a younger person wondering
what happened?
7. Light travels faster than
sound. That is why some people
appear bright
until you hear them speak.
8. Life isn't like a box of chocolates
. . . it's more like
a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today might burn your
butt tomorrow.
\\\//
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Subj: Deep
Thoughts III (S373)
From: JBCARY1 on 3/16/2004
Gardening Rule: When weeding,
the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not
a valuable plant is to pull on
it. If it comes out of
the ground easily, it is a valuable
plant.
The easiest way to find something
lost around the house is
to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners
never quit, then who is
the fool who said, "Quit while
you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you
feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies:
not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel
stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone
has a camcorder these days
no one talks about seeing UFOs
like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson
from the weather: it pays no
attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase
cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves
you thirty cents?
How is it one careless match
can start a forest fire but it
takes a whole box to start a
campfire?
\\\//
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Subj: Trick
Questions & Answers (S299)
From: pns on 10/25/2002
Q: How can you drop a raw egg
onto a concrete
floor without cracking
it?
A: Concrete floors are very
hard to crack!
Q: If it took eight men ten hours
to build a wall,
how long would
it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all it is already
built.
Q. Approximately how many birthdays
does the
average Japanese
woman have?
A: Just one. All the others
are anniversaries.
Q: If you had three apples and
four oranges in one
hand and four apples
and three oranges in the
other hand, what
would you have ?
A: Very large hands.
Q: How can you lift an elephant
with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since
you will never find
an elephant with
one hand.
Q: How can a man go eight days
without sleep?
A: He sleeps at night.
Q: Why it is impossible to send
a telegram to
Washington today
?
A: Because he is dead.
Q: If you throw a red stone into
the blue sea what
it will become
?
A: It becomes wet.
Q: What often falls but never
gets hurt ?
A: Rain
Q: What is that no man ever saw
which never was
but always will
be ?
A: Tomorrow
Q: What looks like half a apple
?
A: The other half.
Q: What can you never eat for
breakfast ?
A: Dinner.
Q: What gets wet with drying
?
A: A towel.
Q: What 3 letters change a girl
into a woman ?
A: AGE.
Q: What happened when wheel was
invented ?
A: It caused a revolution.
Q: Why is it easy to weigh a
fish ?
A: Because it has its own scales.
Q: Why does a bike rest on its
leg ?
A: Because it is too tyred.
\\\//
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Subj: Politically
Correct Phrases (S293b)
From: thebartend on 9/13/2002
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE
- She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She
is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She
is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY
- She is METALLICALLY
OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is
INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER
BEST QUALITIES
She does not want to be MARRIED
- She wants to lock you
in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She
is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She
is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE
- She is IN TOUCH WITH HER
MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED
SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY
IGNORANT
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME
- She commits
FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She
is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She
is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY
- She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY
- She achieves MAXIMUM
DENSITY.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP
- She has reached
COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS
- She is GRAVITY
RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes
VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She does not have THIN LIPS
- She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
\\\//
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Subj: More
Of Maxine's Wisdom (S435)
From: darrell94590 on 5/27/2005
| People who live
in glass houses
should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print.
There
If you let a smile be your umbrella,
The only two things we do with
The trouble with bucket seats
is
|
 |
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about
40 years, we'll have thousands
of old ladies running around
with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness --
but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in
a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't
wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
As usual, if you don't forward
this to 10 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes, your belly
button will fall off. Really...
it's true! Have I ever lied
to you?
\\\//
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Subj: Just
Say No (S290b)
From: Cypriot on 8/23/2002
How To Tell Someone No Without
Saying No
(Handy excuses for any occasion)
I'd love to, but...
... I have to floss my cat.
... I've dedicated my life to linguini.
... I want to spend more time with my blender.
... The President said he might drop in.
... The man on television told me to say tuned.
... I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
... It's my parakeet's bowling night.
... It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
... I'm building a pig from a kit.
... I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
... I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
... There's a disturbance in the Force.
... I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
... I have to go to the post
office to see if I'm still
wanted.
... I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
... I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
... I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
... I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
... My crayons all melted together.
... I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
... I'm in training to be a household pest.
... I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
... My patent is pending.
... I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
... I'm sandblasting my oven.
... I'm worried about my vertical hold.
... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
... I'm being deported.
... The grunion are running.
... I'll be looking for a parking space.
... My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
... The monsters haven't turned
blue yet, and I have to
eat more
dots.
... I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
... I have to fluff my shower cap.
... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
... I've come down with a really
horrible case of something
or other.
... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
... My plot to take over the world is thickening.
... I have to fulfill my potential.
... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
... It's too close to the turn of the century.
... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
... My subconscious says no.
... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
... I left my body in my other clothes.
... The last time I went, I never came back.
... I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
... None of my socks match.
... I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
... I'm having all my plants neutered.
... People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
... I'm making a home movie called
"The Thing That Grew in
My Refrigerator."
... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
... My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
... I'm touring China with a wok band.
... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
... I never go out on days that end in "Y."
... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
... I'm running off to Yugoslavia
with a foreign-exchange
student named
Basil Metabolism.
... I just picked up a book called
"Glue in Many Lands" and
I can't put
it down.
... I'm too old/young for that stuff.
... I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
... I have too much guilt.
... There are important world issues that need worrying about.
... I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
... I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
... I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
... I feel a song coming on.
... I'm trying to be less popular.
... My bathroom tiles need grouting.
... I have to bleach my hare.
... I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
... I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
... You know how we psychos are.
... My favorite commercial is on TV.
... I have to study for a blood test.
... I'm going to be old someday.
... I've been traded to Cincinnati.
... I'm observing National Apathy Week.
... I have to rotate my crops.
... My uncle escaped again.
... I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
... I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
... I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
... I have to go to court for kitty littering.
... I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
... I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
... Having fun gives me prickly heat.
... I'm going to the Missing
Persons Bureau to see if
anyone is
looking for me.
... I have to jog my memory.
... My palm reader advised against it.
... My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
... I have to stay home and see if I snore.
... I prefer to remain an enigma.
... I think you want the OTHER [your name].
... I have to sit up with a sick ant.
... I'm trying to cut down.
... well, maybe.
\\\//
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Subj: A Child
In Need (S274b)
From: KMACINTY on 5/1/2002
Several weekends ago, I was rushing
around doing some last
minute Valentine's Day shopping.
I was stressed out and not
thinking very fondly of the
weather right then. It was dark,
cold, and wet in the parking
lot. As I was loading my car,
I noticed that a receipt I might
need later was missing.
Mumbling under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the mall
entrance.
While searching the wet pavement
for the lost receipt, I
heard a quiet sobbing.
The crying was coming from a poorly
dressed boy 10 to12-years-old.
He was short, undernourished,
and terribly thin. He
had no coat or hat, and his badly
worn tennis shoes were soaked.
He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him
from the wet and cold night's
chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding
a $100 bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked
him what was wrong.
He told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a
large family. He had three brothers
and four sisters. His
father had died when he was
9-years-old. His mother was
poorly educated and worked two
full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large
family. Nevertheless,
she had managed to skimp and
save two hundred dollars to
buy her children some warm clothing
. (She couldn't afford
to get them anything for Christmas)
and medicine for the
baby sister.
The young boy had been dropped
off by his mother on the
way to her night job cleaning
offices. The lad said he
was to use the money to buy
clothing for all his siblings,
medicine for baby sister, but
save just enough to ride
the bus home. The boy
said that he had not even entered
the mall, when an older boy
grabbed one of the hundred
dollar bills and disappeared
into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did,"
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
The boy, looking down at the sidewalk, sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up
and meekly whispered, "Please
help me!"
Of course no one came to help.
I realized that absolutely
no one could have heard that
poor wisp of a boy cry for
help. So I grabbed his
other $100 bill and ran to my car.
Sincerely,
Kenneth Lay
Former CEO, Enron
\\\//
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Subj: Single
Silly Thoughts
Top
Subj: Things
That Can Kill you (S455)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/5/2005
Fifteen days ago, I read that
smoking can kill you. The next
day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that
too much red meat can kill you.
The next day I stopped eating
red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking
can kill you.
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having
sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading.
| Subj:
When Things Go Wrong (S453)
From: LABLaughsAdult20050923 on 9/23/2005 |
 |
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/6/2004 (S393b)
Talk is cheap because supply
exceeds demand.
From: LABLaughsClean on 8/6/2004 (S393b)
Stupidity got us into this mess
-- why can't it get us out?
From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 12/20/2006
(S518b)
"The wit makes fun of other
persons; the satirist makes fun
of the world; the humorist
makes fun of himself."
-- James Thurber
\\\//
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 |
Scared smiley from
Smiley_Central |