Subj: Thoughts Silly (Gz)
(Includes 286 jokes and articles)
Click "Here" for Thoughts-Silly-Supp
Dancing Worm from
Millanimations
| >>>
Subj: Thoughts Silly (Gz) (Includes 286 jokes and articles) Click "Here" for Thoughts-Silly-Supp |
|
Dancing Worm from Millanimations |
Also see ARAB file
- 'Moral Question
For You'
BUGS-ETC - 'Lessons
Learned From Worms'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Lovable
Louise'
ELDERLY4 file- 'A
Man's Success'
FACTS2 file - 'Smelling
Poop At Taco Bell'
KIDS3 file - 'If
You Love Something'
LISTS file - '18
Things I've Learned By Dave Barry'
MATH3 file - 'How
To Give 103%'
MOTHERS file - 'My
Mother Taught Me'
PRISON file - 'Friendship
Quote'
QUOTES-COMDNS- 'George
Carlin's Perfect Life'
THOUGHTS-KIDS- '35
Truths Learned From Kids'
THOUGHTS-LND1- 'Words
To Live By'
......................-
'What
I Have Learned II'
......................-
'25
Things I Have Learned In 50 Years'
THOUGHTS-LND2- 'Great
Truths About Growing Old'
......................-
'Why
We Are Here?'
THOU-LND-SUPP- 'Inner
Peace'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Back in my
day ...'
THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Because
You're My Friend'
============================================================Top
Subj: If You
Can... (S255, S486)
From: KMACINTY on 12/17/2001
and
From: darrell94590 on 5/12/2006
If you can start the day without
caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring
aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining
and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food
everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved
ones are too busy to give
you time,
If you can overlook people taking
things out on you when,
through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and
blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's
limited education and
never correct him,
If you can resist treating a
rich friend better than
a poor friend,
If you can face the world without
lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without
medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can honestly say that
deep in your heart you have
no prejudice against
creed, color, religion, sexual
orientation or
politics,
If you can always sleep without
the aid of drugs,
Then........
You are probably the family dog.
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Truisms
(S230)
From: JBCARY1 on 6/20/2001
1. What's the definition of
a teenager? God's punishment
for; enjoying
sex.
2. Define Transvestite: A guy
who likes to eat, drink and
be Mary!
3. What's the difference between
the Pope and your boss?
The Pope
only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and
it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats
a path to your door is
if you're
in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies.
Tried it once and the
seat folded
up.
7. It used to be only death
and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who
takes out the trash and gives
the impression
he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no
kitchen -- just vending
machines.
10. The only thing wrong with
a perfect drive to work is
that you
end up at work.
11. Americans are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago,
it took two
people to carry ten dollars' worth of
groceries.
Today, a five-year-old can do it.
12. Blondie told her friend,
"I was worried that my
mechanic
might try to rip me off, so I was relieved
when he told
me all I needed was "blinker fluid."
13. Why is a government worker
like a shotgun with a
broken firing
pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
14. I'm so depressed...I went
to the doctor today and he
refused to
write me a prescription for Viagra. Said
it would
be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Money
(S195)
From: gheckman on 10/27/2000
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see, money isn't everything.
The best things in life can't
be bought,
and often we destroy ourselves
trying!
I tell you all this because
I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to
take away your
needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money, and
I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will
never find. :-)
CASH ONLY, PLEASE.
P. S. Send this to 10 other people.
I'd like to be
their friends as well...
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: We'd
Like To See On Office Posters (S187)
From: JCary on 08/25/2000
TOP 10 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE
TO SEE ON THOSE INSPIRATIONAL
OFFICE POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great
empire by having meetings,
they did
it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while
all around you is chaos...
then you
probably haven't completely understood the
seriousness
of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first
time gets the job done.
Doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet
engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is
no match for Natural
Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the
face of adversity... probably
has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow
what you can avoid
altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having
to take all the blame
yourself.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Exercise
Tips (S180)
From: gheckman on 7/11/00
It is well documented that for
every mile that you jog....you
add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years
old to spend an additional 5
months in a nursing home at $5000
per month
1 - My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now and
we don't know where the hell she is.
2- The only reason I would take
up jogging is so that I could
hear heavy breathing again.
3- I joined a health club last
year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently
you have to show up.
4- I have to exercise early in
the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
5- I don't exercise at all.
If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put
them further up our body.
6- I like long walks, especially
when they are taken by
people who annoy me.
7- I have flabby thighs, but
fortunately my stomach covers
them.
8 - The advantage of exercising
every day is that you die
healthier.
9- If you are going to try cross-county
skiing, start with
a small country.
and last but not least ........
10- I don't jog, it makes the
ice jump right out of my
vodka tonic.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Government
Photos (S155)
From: gheckman on 01/22/2000
This is wild, but I found this
website that uses government
files to find an actual photograph
of ANYBODY. I was shocked
to find that with no trouble
at all, it brought up an (old)
picture of me. You should see
if they have you in the database
too!
Al
http://209.69.229.50/FBI/default.asp?B=?P=0303?R=0103
This web page is NOT up any more.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Philosophy
Of Life (S148)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/29/1999
Life is an endless struggle,
full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you
find a hair stylist you
like.
The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right
thing in theright place, but
also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because
you grow old; you grow old
because you stop laughing.
It is bad to suppress laughter;
it goes back down and spreads
to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes
that she were a year older is
when she is expecting a baby.
Inside some of us is a thin person
struggling to get out, but
he/she can usually be sedated
with a few pieces of chocolate
cake.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Thoughts
for the Day (S147)
From: RFSlick on 11/21/1999
A friend sent this to me:
1) Before you criticize
someone, you should walk a mile in
his
shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a
mile
away from him and you have his shoes.
2) A bus station is where
a bus stops. A train station is
where
a train stops. On my desk I have a work station
3) I believe five out
of four people have trouble with
fractions.
4) If quitters never win,
and winners never quit, what fool
came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6) What hair color do
they put on the driver's licenses
of
bald men?
7) I was thinking that
women should put pictures of missing
husbands
on beer cans.
8) My grandmother told
me that at her age, going braless
pulls
all the wrinkles out of her face.
9) I was thinking about
how people seem to read the Bible
a whole
lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on
me
- they were cramming for their finals.
10) Employment applications
always ask who is to be notified
in
case of emergency. I write "A very good doctor."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Guidelines
For Enlightenment (S140)
by Swami Beyondananda
From: smiles on 09/16/1999
1. Be a Fundamentalist--make
sure the Fun always comes before
the mental.
Realize that life is a situation comedy that
will never
be canceled. A laugh track has been provided,
and the reason
why we are put in the material world is to
get more
material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day,
and that
will ensure regularhilarity.
2. Remember that each of us
has been given a special gift,
just for
entering - so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on
the planet today is Tell-A-
Vision.
That is where I tell a vision to you, and you
tell a vision
to me. That way, if we don't like the
programming
we're getting, we can simply change the
channel.
4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
5. It is true. As we go through
life thinking heavy thoughts,
thought particles
tend to get caught between the ears,
causing a
condition called truth decay. So be sure to use
mental floss
twice a day. And when you're tempted to
practice
tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's
Absurdiveness
Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*
6. If we want world peace, we
must let go of our attachments
and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you,
you no mad
at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness
on the planet.
And peace begins with each of us. A
little peace
here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces
will fit together to make one big peace
everywhere.
7. I know great earth changes
have been predicted for the
future, so
if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my
advice is
simple. When you find a fault, just don't
dwell on
it.
8. There's no need to change
the world. All we have to do
is toilet
train the world, and we'll never have to
change it
again.
9. If you're looking to find
the key to the Universe, I
have some
bad news and some good news. The bad news
is: there
is no key to the Universe. The good news
is: it has
been left unlocked.
10. Finally, everything I have
told you is channeled. That
way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. And
remember,
enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we
don't have
to go through channels.
--- by Swami Beyondananda
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Contest
of Theories (S134)
From: gsm on 8/22/99
A contest was held for people
to submit their theories on ANY
subject. Below are the
winners:
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability
Theory): If an infinite
number of rednecks riding in
an infinite number of pickup trucks
fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics):
Why Yawning Is Contagious:
You yawn to equalize the pressure
on your eardrums. This pressure
change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures,
so they then yawn to even it
out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic
Logic): Communist China is
technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet and
therefore cannot use acronyms
to communicate technical ideas at a
faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian
Mechanics): The earth may spin
faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's
rate of spin increases when
the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees
may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics):
The quantity of consonants
in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they
turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks his cah," the lost R's
migrate southwest, causing a
Texan to warsh" his car and invest in
"erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject:
Perpetual Motion): When a cat is dropped,
it always lands on its feet,
and when toast is dropped, it always
lands buttered side down. It
was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot
buttered toast to the back of
a hundred tethered cats; the two
opposing forces will cause the
cats to hover, spinning inches above
the ground. Using the giant
buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New
York with Chicago.
(See 'Antigravity:
The Feline Butterology Theory' in PHYSICS1)
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Words
To Live By - Humorous (S72)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-17
(See 'Words To Live By'
in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1)
I can please only one person
per day. Today is not
your day. Tomorrow isn't
looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a
perception problem.
I love deadlines. I especially
like the whooshing
sound they make when they go
flying by.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
but three rights
make a left.
If swimming is so good for your
figure, how do you
explain whales?
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always
keep one finger
on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
SLOW IS: A herd of turtles
stampeding through
chunky peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate
success in life:
1.
Never tell everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll
tell you how to
get along without it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get
sucked into jet engines.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #31 on 98-02-01
If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence
that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't
get until
just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the
more of your body is
required on it.
The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the
softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism;
to
steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the
more time you'll have to
catch up.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about
you, try missing
a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If at first you don't succeed,
then
skydiving definitely isn't for
you.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Garfield
Cartoon - Bury Your Ass (S433)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/9/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20050213
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Silly
Questions (S151)
From: RFSlick on 12/24/1999
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
on the watch called the
second
hand?
3. If a word is misspelled
in the dictionary, how would
we
ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the
first dictionary, where did he
find
the words?
5. Why do we say something
is out of whack? Just what
is
a whack?
6. Why does "slow down"
and "slow up" mean the same
thing?
7. Why does "fat chance"
and "slim chance" mean the
same
thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take
me out to the ball game" when we
are
already there?
10. Why are they called "stands"
when they are made for
sitting?
11. Why is it called "after
dark" when it really is "after
light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected
expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific,
why do they have to pay you to
do
it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and
have dyslexia, can you
read
all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder
on the buttons of a remote
control
when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment
bags and garments
in
a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when
we
use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV 'set', when you only get one?
From: V-lewis@msn.com (Ray Lewis) on 97-04-29
27. If you throw a cat out a
car window does
it
become kitty litter?
28. If corn oil comes from corn,
where does
baby
oil come from?
29. If there is no God, who
pops up the next
Kleenex
in the box?
30. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
31. Why do they put braille
on the number pads
of
drive-through bank machines?
32. How did a fool and his money GET together?
33. If nothing sticks to Teflon,
how do they
stick
Teflon on the pan?
34. How do they get a deer to
cross at that
yellow
road sign?
35. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
36. What's another word for thesaurus?
37. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
38. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
39. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
40. Why is there an expiration
date on my sour
cream
container?
41. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
42. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
43. Is it true that cannibals
don't eat clowns
because
they taste funny?
44. Does 'virgin wool' come
from sheep the
shepherd
hasn't caught yet?
45. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
46. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
47. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
48. Do they have reserved parking
for non-handicap
people
at the Special Olympics?
49. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
50. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
51. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
52. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Serenity
(S193)
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot
change
The Courage to change the things
I cannot accept,
And the Wisdom
To hide the bodies of those
people
I had to eliminate today because
they ticked me off.
And also,
Help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today
as they
May be connected to the behind
I have to kiss tomorrow.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Cynics
Guide To Life (S213, S495c)
From: RFSlick on 3/1/2001
and
From: drgolfmd 7/22/2006
also called 'Now and Zen' and 'Daily moment of zen:'
1. Do not walk behind
me,
for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey
of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest
before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be
irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one
is listening until
you make a mistake.
6. Always
remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
7. Never test
the depth of the
water with both feet.
8. It may
be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far
more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think
nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize
someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't
succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish
and he will eat for a day.
Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in
boat drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone
$20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your
spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are
the bug,
some days you are the windshield.
18. Good judgment comes
from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
19. Timing has an awful
lot to do with the
outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers
no foot.
21. Duct tape is like
the force.
It has a light side a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
22. Experience is something
you don't get
until just after you need it.
23. We are born naked,
wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
24. I believe for every
drop of rain that falls,
a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and
a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
25. Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where
you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
26. Always take time to
stop and smell the roses...
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
27. If you don't like
my driving, don't call anyone.
Just take another road. That's why the highway
department made so many of them.
28. A handy telephone
tip: Keep a small chalkboard near
the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can
hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails
across it until he hangs up.
29. Each day I try to
enjoy something from each of the
four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack
group, the caffeine group, and the thing-in-tin-
foil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge group.
30. Into every life some
rain must fall. Usually when
your car windows are down.
31. Just remember... You
gotta break some eggs to make
a real mess on the neighbor's car!
32. When you find yourself
getting irritated with someone,
try to remember that all men are brothers... and just
give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
33. This morning I woke
up to the unmistakable scent of
pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for
letting the relatives stay over.
34. It's a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
35. Keep your nose to
the grindstone and your shoulder to
the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
36. This land is your
land. This land is my land. So
stay on your land.
37. Love is like
a roller coaster: when it's good you
don't want to get off, and when it isn't...
you can't wait to throw up.
From: auntieg on 98-12-09
38. Searching is
half the fun: life is much more
manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt
as opposed to a surprise party. -- Jimmy Buffett
39. If you don't
think every day is a good day,
just try missing one. -- Cavett Robert
40. Deep summer
is when laziness finds respectability.
-- Bern Williams
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: For
Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
From: RobertTompkins on 4/10/99
1. Save the whales. Collect
the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is
like, night
3. On the other hand, you have
different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics
are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give
the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally
parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted,
then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper
the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and
quiet.
11. Remember half the people
you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living,
have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to
a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks
slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the
worm,
but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to
worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever
- so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist
- they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams
stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for
good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're
the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming
your way, you're
in the wrong
lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place
where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something
you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is
an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the
mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for
the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until
you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in
private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is
directly proportional
to the softness
of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch
is inversely proportional to
the ability
to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one
person is plagiarism;
to steal
from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics,
it is often necessary
to rise above
your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to
spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to
swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the
beginning.
44. The problem with the gene
pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind
the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except
from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse
- it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous -
tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest
and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares,
try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe
in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage
is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving isn't for you.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Some
Time-Honored Truths (S79)
From: Anaise on 98-08-05
1. Don't sweat the petty things,
and don't
pet the sweaty
things.
2. One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk
about other
people.
4. To be intoxicated is to
feel sophisticated but
not be able
to say it.
5. Never underestimate the
power of stupid people
in large
groups.
6. The older you get, the better
you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might
be.
8. Age is a very high price
to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art
of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they
think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women
are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he
will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer
all day.
13. A fool and his money are
soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature
golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing
boards, what did they
go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy
as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage,
where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would
he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer
drowns, do the rest have
to drown
too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the
most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific,
how come they have to pay you
to do it?
22. If you're born again, do
you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta,
would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and
succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist
season if we can't shoot at them?
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Deep
Thoughts
From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
From a newspaper contest where
entrants were asked to
imitate "DeepThoughts" by Jack
Handey, from Saturday
Night Live. Winning entrants
are at the end:
Honorable Mentions:
My young son asked me what happens
after we die. I told
him we get buried under a bunch
of dirt and worms eat our
bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth-- that
most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally-- but I didn't
want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got
a day off for the
president's birthday, like they
do for the queen. Of
course, then we would have a
lot of people voting for
a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the
long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing,
except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good
book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used
to, until she got an unlisted
number.
You can lead a horse to water
but you can't make
him gargle.
As you make your way through
this hectic world of ours,
set aside a few minutes each
day. At the end of the year,
you'll have a couple of days
saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red
Cross Bloodmobile got into
an accident. No, wait.
That would be good because if
anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there.
Give me the strength to change
the things I can, the grace
to accept the things I cannot,
and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim
is strange are the same ones
who think it odd that I drive
without pants.
For centuries, people thought
the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts
found that the moon as really
a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you
leave it out.
Think of the biggest number you
can. Now add five. Then,
imagine if you had that many
Twinkies. Wow, that's five
more than the biggest number
you could come up with!
I bet living in a nudist colony
takes all the fun out of
Halloween.
The only stupid question is the
one that is never asked,
except maybe "Don't you think
it is about time you audited
my return?" or "Isn't is morally
wrong to give me a warning
when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes.
Then I came upon a man
who had no feet. So I
took his shoes. I mean, it's not
like he really needed them,
right?
When I go to heaven, I want to
see my grandpa again. But
he better have lost the nose
hair and the old-man smell.
I believe you should live each
day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any
clean laundry, because, come
on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John
Tesh isn't as popular singer
as some people think he should
be. Then, I remember it's
because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad
about where I am in my life,
I think about the last words
of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
If you really want to impress
people with your computer
literacy, add the words "dot
com" to the end of everything
you say, dot com.
I like to go down to the dog
pound and pretend that I've
found my dog. Then I tell
them to kill it anyway because
I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure
don't have a sense of humor.
THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I
enjoy watching paint dry.
I imagine that the wet paint
is a big freshwater lake that
is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the
lake. As the lake gets
drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there
are water riots. Once
there was a big fire and everyone
died.
SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God.
It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."
Unless it was just a lawn mower.
FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full
moon. The same one, I think
to myself, at which Socrates,
Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear
beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over
one's right to die and
wonder at the constancy of the
human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country
that has come the closest
to Utopia, and I show him a
copy of the Constitution. I
tell Aristotle that we have
found many more than four basic
elements and I show him a periodic
table. I get a box of
kitchen matches and strike one.
They gasp with wonder. We
spend the rest of the night
lighting farts.
WINNER
If we could just get everyone
to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an
hour, imagine how serene
and quiet it would be, until
the looting started.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: "Deep
Thoughts" by Jack Handey (S224)
From: ICohen on 5/15/2001
From "DeepThoughts" by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live.
Before criticizing someone, walk
a mile in their shoes. Then
when you do criticize them,
you will be a mile away and have
their shoes.
=======
If you ever drop your keys into
a river of molten lava, let
'em go, because, man, they're
gone.
=======
If trees could scream, would
we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if
they screamed all the time, for no
good reason.
=======
To me, it's a good idea to always
carry two sacks of something
when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can
you give me a hand?" You
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
=======
The face of a child can say
it all, especially the mouth part
of the face.
=======
I believe in making the world
safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because
I don't think children should
be having sex.
=======
If a kid asks where rain comes
from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is, "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him
is, "Probably because of
something you did."
=======
If you ever catch on fire, try
to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror,because I bet that's
what REALLY throws you into a panic.
=======
Whenever I see an old lady slip
and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an
ant and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
=======
To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers
hit each other.
=======
I hope if dogs ever take over
the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size,
because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
=======
If you go flying back through
time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future,
it's probably best to avoid
eye contact.
=======
It's easy to sit there and say
you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like
about it. It's easy. Just
sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money.
=======
If you ever reach total enlightenment
while you're drinking
a beer, I bet it makes beer
shoot out your nose.
Ira Cohen
Telecom Systems Engineer
Office of Information Technology
City of Oakland, CA
Office (510) 238-2187
Cell (510)
220-0027
Fax (510)
238-3555
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Feeling
Stressed? (S78, S528c)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #261 on 98-07-25
Picture yourself near a stream...
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air...
Nothing can bother you here...
No one knows this secret place...
You are in total seclusion from that place called The World...
The soothing sound of a gentle
waterfall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity...
The water is clear...
You can easily make out the face
of the person whose head
you're holding under the water...
There now... feeling better?
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
Thoughts Silly
| Subj:
Laughter - Cartoon (S456b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/12/2005 |
 |
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/12/2001
(S237)
"Life if full of loneliness,
misery, and sufferring, and
it's all over much too soon."
-- Woody Allen
From: dogbyte on 8/31/2002 (S291b)
I don't exaggerate,...
I just remember big.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
Fainting smiley from
Smiley_Central |