Subj: Thoughts Silly
(Includes 286 jokes and articles, 11 1026,6,cf,vYT2a,2)
Click "Here" for Thoughts-Silly-Supp
Dancing Worm from
Also see ARAB file
- 'Moral Question
BUGS-ETC - 'Lessons Learned From Worms'
CHRISTMAS1 - 'Lovable Louise'
ELDERLY4 file- 'A Man's Success'
FACTS2 file - 'Smelling Poop At Taco Bell'
KIDS3 file - 'If You Love Something'
LISTS file - '18 Things I've Learned By Dave Barry'
MATH3 file - 'How To Give 103%'
MOTHERS file - 'My Mother Taught Me'
PRISON file - 'Friendship Quote'
.........QUOTES-COMDNS- 'George Carlin's Perfect Life'
SIGNS-NAM-SUP- 'A Very Stupid Sign'
THOUGHTS-KIDS- '35 Truths Learned From Kids'
THOUGHTS-LND1- 'Words To Live By'
......................- 'What I Have Learned II'
......................- '25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years'
THOUGHTS-LND2- 'Great Truths About Growing Old'
......................- 'Why We Are Here?'
THOU-LND-SUPP- 'Inner Peace'
THOUGHTS-TIME- 'Back in my day ...'
THOUGHTS-WARM- 'Because You're My Friend'
Subj: Pickles Comic Strip (S759)
By Brian Crane on 7/27/2011
Subj: If You Can... (S255, S486)
From: KMACINTY on 12/17/2001
and From: darrell94590 on 5/12/2006
If you can start the day without
caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and
never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than
a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have
no prejudice against creed, color, religion, sexual
orientation or politics,
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,
You are probably the family dog.
Subj: Truisms (S230)
From: JBCARY1 on 6/20/2001
1. What's the definition of
a teenager? God's punishment
for; enjoying sex.
2. Define Transvestite: A guy
who likes to eat, drink and
3. What's the difference between
the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and
it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats
a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies.
Tried it once and the
seat folded up.
7. It used to be only death
and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who
takes out the trash and gives
the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no
kitchen -- just vending
10. The only thing wrong with
a perfect drive to work is
that you end up at work.
11. Americans are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago,
it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of
groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
12. Blondie told her friend,
"I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved
when he told me all I needed was "blinker fluid."
13. Why is a government worker
like a shotgun with a
broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
14. I'm so depressed...I went
to the doctor today and he
refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said
it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
Subj: Money (S195)
From: gheckman on 10/27/2000
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see, money isn't everything.
The best things in life can't be bought,
and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away your
needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money, and
I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find. :-)
CASH ONLY, PLEASE.
P. S. Send this to 10 other people.
I'd like to be
their friends as well...
Subj: We'd Like To See On Office Posters (S187)
From: JCary on 08/25/2000
TOP 10 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE INSPIRATIONAL
1. Rome did not create a great
empire by having meetings,
they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while
all around you is chaos...
then you probably haven't completely understood the
seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first
time gets the job done.
Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet
5. Artificial Intelligence is
no match for Natural
6. A person who smiles in the
face of adversity... probably
has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow
what you can avoid
10. TEAMWORK... means never having
to take all the blame
Subj: Hagar Comic Strip (S665 in Marriage1)
by Chris Browne on 10/3/2009
Subj: Exercise Tips (S180)
From: gheckman on 7/11/00
It is well documented that for
every mile that you jog....you
add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years
old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000
1 - My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
2- The only reason I would take
up jogging is so that I could
hear heavy breathing again.
3- I joined a health club last
year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4- I have to exercise early in
the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
5- I don't exercise at all.
If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6- I like long walks, especially
when they are taken by
people who annoy me.
7- I have flabby thighs, but
fortunately my stomach covers
8 - The advantage of exercising
every day is that you die
9- If you are going to try cross-county
skiing, start with
a small country.
and last but not least ........
10- I don't jog, it makes the
ice jump right out of my
Subj: Philosophy Of Life (S148)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/29/1999
Life is an endless struggle,
full of frustrations and
challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you
The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right
thing in theright place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because
you grow old; you grow old
because you stop laughing.
It is bad to suppress laughter;
it goes back down and spreads
to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes
that she were a year older is
when she is expecting a baby.
Inside some of us is a thin person
struggling to get out, but
he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate
Subj: Thoughts for the Day (S147)
From: RFSlick on 11/21/1999
A friend sent this to me:
1) Before you criticize
someone, you should walk a mile in
his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a
mile away from him and you have his shoes.
2) A bus station is where
a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station
3) I believe five out
of four people have trouble with
4) If quitters never win,
and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6) What hair color do
they put on the driver's licenses
of bald men?
7) I was thinking that
women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
8) My grandmother told
me that at her age, going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.
9) I was thinking about
how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on
me - they were cramming for their finals.
10) Employment applications
always ask who is to be notified
in case of emergency. I write "A very good doctor."
Subj: Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comic Strip (S984)
By Stephan Pastis on 11/15/2015
.............Click 'HERE' to see this cute strip.
Subj: Guidelines For Enlightenment (S140)
by Swami Beyondananda
From: smiles on 09/16/1999
1. Be a Fundamentalist--make
sure the Fun always comes before
the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that
will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided,
and the reason why we are put in the material world is to
get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day,
and that will ensure regularhilarity.
2. Remember that each of us
has been given a special gift,
just for entering - so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on
the planet today is Tell-A-
Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you
tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the
programming we're getting, we can simply change the
4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
5. It is true. As we go through
life thinking heavy thoughts,
thought particles tend to get caught between the ears,
causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use
mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to
practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's
Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*
6. If we want world peace, we
must let go of our attachments
and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you,
you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness
on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A
little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace
7. I know great earth changes
have been predicted for the
future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my
advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't
dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change
the world. All we have to do
is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to
change it again.
9. If you're looking to find
the key to the Universe, I
have some bad news and some good news. The bad news
is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news
is: it has been left unlocked.
10. Finally, everything I have
told you is channeled. That
way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And
remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we
don't have to go through channels.
--- by Swami Beyondananda
Subj: Contest of Theories (S134)
From: gsm on 8/22/99
A contest was held for people
to submit their theories on ANY
subject. Below are the winners:
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability
Theory): If an infinite
number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks
fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics):
Why Yawning Is Contagious:
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure
change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures,
so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic
Logic): Communist China is
technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and
therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian
Mechanics): The earth may spin
faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's
rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics):
The quantity of consonants
in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they
turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's
migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh" his car and invest in
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject:
Perpetual Motion): When a cat is dropped,
it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always
lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot
buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two
opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above
the ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
(See 'Antigravity: The Feline Butterology Theory' in PHYSICS1)
Subj: Words To Live By - Humorous (S72)
From: RFSlick on 98-06-17
(See 'Words To Live By' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1)
I can please only one person
per day. Today is not
your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a
I love deadlines. I especially
like the whooshing
sound they make when they go flying by.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
but three rights
make a left.
If swimming is so good for your
figure, how do you
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always
keep one finger
on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
SLOW IS: A herd of turtles
chunky peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate
success in life:
1. Never tell everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll
tell you how to
get along without it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels
sucked into jet engines.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #31 on 98-02-01
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't
just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the
more of your body is
required on it.
The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the
softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person
to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the
more time you'll have to
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about
you, try missing
a couple of payments.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Subj: Garfield Cartoon - Bury Your Ass (S433)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/9/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Silly Questions (S151)
From: RFSlick on 12/24/1999
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
on the watch called the
3. If a word is misspelled
in the dictionary, how would
we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the
first dictionary, where did he
find the words?
5. Why do we say something
is out of whack? Just what
is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down"
and "slow up" mean the same
7. Why does "fat chance"
and "slim chance" mean the
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take
me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands"
when they are made for
11. Why is it called "after
dark" when it really is "after
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific,
why do they have to pay you to
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and
have dyslexia, can you
read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder
on the buttons of a remote
control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment
bags and garments
in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when
we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV 'set', when you only get one?
From: Vfirstname.lastname@example.org (Ray Lewis) on 97-04-29
27. If you throw a cat out a
car window does
it become kitty litter?
28. If corn oil comes from corn,
baby oil come from?
29. If there is no God, who
pops up the next
Kleenex in the box?
30. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
31. Why do they put braille
on the number pads
of drive-through bank machines?
32. How did a fool and his money GET together?
33. If nothing sticks to Teflon,
how do they
stick Teflon on the pan?
34. How do they get a deer to
cross at that
yellow road sign?
35. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
36. What's another word for thesaurus?
37. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
38. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
39. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
40. Why is there an expiration
date on my sour
41. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
42. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
43. Is it true that cannibals
don't eat clowns
because they taste funny?
44. Does 'virgin wool' come
from sheep the
shepherd hasn't caught yet?
45. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
46. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
47. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
48. Do they have reserved parking
people at the Special Olympics?
49. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
50. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
51. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
52. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Subj: Serenity (S193)
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the Wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to eliminate today because they ticked me off.
Help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the behind
I have to kiss tomorrow.
Subj: Cynics Guide To Life (S213, S495c)
From: RFSlick on 3/1/2001
and From: drgolfmd 7/22/2006
also called 'Now and Zen' and 'Daily moment of zen:'
1. Do not walk behind
for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey
of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be
irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one
is listening until
you make a mistake.
remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
7. Never test
the depth of the
water with both feet.
8. It may
be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far
more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think
nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize
someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't
skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish
and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in
boat drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone
$20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your
16. If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are
some days you are the windshield.
18. Good judgment comes
from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
19. Timing has an awful
lot to do with the
outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers
21. Duct tape is like
It has a light side a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
22. Experience is something
you don't get
until just after you need it.
23. We are born naked,
wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
24. I believe for every
drop of rain that falls,
a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and
a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
25. Follow your dream!
Unless it's the one where
you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
26. Always take time to
stop and smell the roses...
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
27. If you don't like
my driving, don't call anyone.
Just take another road. That's why the highway
department made so many of them.
28. A handy telephone
tip: Keep a small chalkboard near
the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can
hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails
across it until he hangs up.
29. Each day I try to
enjoy something from each of the
four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack
group, the caffeine group, and the thing-in-tin-
30. Into every life some
rain must fall. Usually when
your car windows are down.
31. Just remember... You
gotta break some eggs to make
a real mess on the neighbor's car!
32. When you find yourself
getting irritated with someone,
try to remember that all men are brothers... and just
give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
33. This morning I woke
up to the unmistakable scent of
pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for
letting the relatives stay over.
34. It's a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
35. Keep your nose to
the grindstone and your shoulder to
the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
36. This land is your
land. This land is my land. So
stay on your land.
37. Love is like
a roller coaster: when it's good you
don't want to get off, and when it isn't...
you can't wait to throw up.
From: auntieg on 98-12-09
38. Searching is half the fun: life is much more
manageable when thought of as a scavenger hunt
as opposed to a surprise party. -- Jimmy Buffett
39. If you don't
think every day is a good day,
just try missing one. -- Cavett Robert
40. Deep summer
is when laziness finds respectability.
-- Bern Williams
Subj: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
From: RobertTompkins on 4/10/99
1. Save the whales. Collect
the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional
to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary
to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Subj: Some Time-Honored Truths (S79)
From: Anaise on 98-08-05
1. Don't sweat the petty things,
pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk
about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but
not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people
in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they
go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have
to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you
to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Subj: "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey (S224)
From: ICohen on 5/15/2001
From "DeepThoughts" by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live.
Before criticizing someone, walk
a mile in their shoes. Then
when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let
'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can
you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part
of the face.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children should
be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of
something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror,because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an
ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking
a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Telecom Systems Engineer
Office of Information Technology
City of Oakland, CA
Office (510) 238-2187
Cell (510) 220-0027
Fax (510) 238-3555
Subj: Feeling Stressed? (S78, S528c)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #261 on 98-07-25
Picture yourself near a stream...
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air...
Nothing can bother you here...
No one knows this secret place...
You are in total seclusion from that place called The World...
The soothing sound of a gentle
waterfall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity...
The water is clear...
You can easily make out the face
of the person whose head
you're holding under the water...
There now... feeling better?
Subj: Short Thoughts Silly
Laughter - Cartoon (S456b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/12/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/12/2001
"Life if full of loneliness, misery, and sufferring, and
it's all over much too soon." -- Woody Allen
From: dogbyte on 8/31/2002 (S291b)
I don't exaggerate,...
I just remember big.
.............................Fainting smiley from Smiley_Central